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Messages - Deep Blue

#1201
Physical Issues / Re: Cancer
May 01, 2018, 12:14:25 AM
Kizzie,
Glad to hear it went well and that it was thorough.  We are still with you.  Hope you get the rest you need.  Take it easy sweet Kizzie.

:grouphug:
#1202
Friends / Re: Speaking my mind
April 30, 2018, 06:28:56 PM
Way to go  :bigwink: that was great awareness on your part to notice the signs and step up and say something.  Sometimes those people don't really care who they are talking to... they just like talking.  I think it's good to say something before they go trampling all over your boundaries.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
#1203
Physical Issues / Re: Cancer
April 30, 2018, 01:59:53 PM
Holding hands with you in the waiting room.   :hug:  :hug: :hug:
#1204
Sanmagic,
You are right.  I did say no one time... and I lived to regret it.  I survived, I'm safe, I'm here living my life now.  Thanks for the reminder.  I'll try to stop blaming myself... well I'll try to blame myself less  :bigwink:  baby steps
:hug:  :hug: :hug:
Just needing some virtual hugs so I can take a deep breath and keep going today
#1205
Elphanigh,
Thanks for always understanding.  My H is super into crime shows.  I think he believes I have a small bladder or something because I usually excuse myself when things get too triggering.  He knows nothing of my trauma.  I purposely keep him in the dark 

:Idunno:


Trigger warning **

Sanmagic,
I feel so ashamed for never fighting it.  Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I say no? Why did I just climb in the trunk over and over?  I would try to feel the turns and figure out where we were on the road.  How much longer till I could get out? It smelled like oil and I prayed we wouldn't hit any lights.  I still get triggered by the model of car...  I wish I could let go of my blame for all of it.  It's ok though, Still standing and working through it.
#1206
Snake bait,
I relate to you.  My abuser sounds very similar to yours.  Very intelligent and even better at fooling others about who they were.  A professional gas lighter!  Welcome to the forum.  I hope you find that the people here very much here for one another.  Best wishes to you.  :grouphug:
#1207
Elphanigh,
Thanks for sitting with me on this.  Thanks for the hug too.  Since you mentioned it, violence in TV triggers me too.  Physical abuse of women triggers me big time, as does abuse in children. 

Kizzie,
Thanks for validating my feelings.  If given the option I would choose being locked in a trunk over being physically abused every time.  I guess you are right, I did what I needed to do in order to survive.   :hug: back to you

California dreaming,
Quote from: California Dreaming on April 28, 2018, 09:54:49 PM
Sometimes I find comfort in something that I once heard: "The vilest predators are attracted to the brightest light."

I do find comfort in that quote. Thanks.  I was like you too.  I was a gifted athlete at a young age.  I'm trying not to minimize and you are right.  It was horrific.  Thanks for helping me to feel safe  :hug:  It is the fact that I'm starting to feel better and safer that I was able to post this. 
#1208
Physical Issues / Re: Cancer
April 28, 2018, 07:00:53 PM
We love you Kizzie

:grouphug: :grouphug:
#1209
Does anyone else get triggered frequently by TV?  I wasn't sure where to put this particular post, but my abuser was a sadistic narcissist... so I hope it's ok to put it here.

** Trigger warning (cross between physical and emotional abuse) **



One of my "punishments" was to be put in the trunk of a car.  If I performed poorly in athletics... I had to ride home in the trunk.  I still struggle with this.  So many TV shows seem to have someone in a trunk... they are being kidnapped, hiding, a dead body... blah blah. 

Looking back I wonder why I never fought this punishment.  I quietly got in the trunk when I was "in trouble."  I was so ashamed... I knew disobedience would lead to a worse punishment so I just did it.  :Idunno:  I look back and realize how abnormal this was.  The trunk got hot sometimes and that 15 min drive home sometimes seemed to take forever.  I still don't like tight spaces  ???   I could have died!  What if we were in an accident??

This is the first time I have admitted this happened to anyone except my T.  I'm taking a deep breath here before posting this...
#1210
 :yourock: :boogie:
Proud of you blueberry  :bigwink:
#1211
Physical Issues / Re: Cancer
April 27, 2018, 01:29:42 PM
Kizzie,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I can't imagine how the waiting must be weighing on you.  Sending you love and strength during this time. 
Take care,
Deep Blue
#1212
General Discussion / Re: People-pleasing . . .
April 27, 2018, 11:18:52 AM
Allie,
I'm with Whobuddy.  I think the world needs more listeners anyway.

Maybe your BFF is just trying to make sure you don't over exert yourself with worrying about others' perceptions.  It's a nice thought but she probably doesn't understand how hard that is for you. 

Personally I think most of us with CPTSD have no desire to rock the boat.  I often feel guilt and take the blame for things I was not responsible for just to keep the peace. 
#1213
Elphanigh,
Yes a hug is great.  I totally agree with you though.  There is a reboot of the show Rosanne right now.  It seems to glorify child abuse. (Of course I could be a bit jaded)
#1214
Elphanigh,
I had a similar experience last night.  I went with an old college friend to dinner.  She is at her witts end with her 4 daughter.


*** Trigger warning as well***



She said she has tried everything to get her to behave.  She said she has tried punishment and reward and none of it works.  She said her daughter's super power is knowing how to push people's buttons.  She said she knew something had to give because she hit her daughter with a belt to make her point.
I just lost it.  Having been punished in that way myself I just couldn't deal.  I went to the bathroom.

I found myself fighting the panic attack there and grounding.  I somehow avoided one... but what the heck!?! Hitting a 4 year old with a belt is not ok.  Of course it opened up the nightmares all night last night.  I don't care hand or object... I'm damaged goods now... and that type of punishment is to blame. 

P.S.  I don't think I can talk to that friend anymore for awhile
#1215
I'm going to add another one on here as well.  It is 20 diversion tactics narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths use.  I found myself reading it and ticking them all on the list.  My main abuser was a sadistic sociopath.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/