Messages

Exactly!  And each step forward like this is so empowering. 

So good!!! Thank you so much for sharing that. 

Thank you Butterfly 

Cptsd mimics borderline so much. I think it was Spartan Life Coach (youtube) that said the BIG difference.....if you were borderline you might not even be asking the question, because you wouldn't care  AND people with cptsd generally have a huge conscience and do not want to hurt others the way a bpd sometimes does. We still care about others even in the midst of our own pain.  I was very scared I had it too in the beginning. 

I am sorry about the memories and EF's. Those are so hard and frustrating to deal with to say the least! It is terrible that they treated  you this way............like walking around with a big shiny pin waiting to pop any happy balloons you might have. One thing they cannot take away from you is your natural talent AND the honor of getting picked!!! YOU get to keep that forever. Even if it isn't getting used today, it is still a huge part of you and something to be very proud of. My npd mother was the same way with my running. I was a natural and did very well, invited to special state meets etc. But she could never make it to any of my special meets, any at all, because she had to cook supper. BS! My dad at least was there every single time.

LOVE arpy1's idea and hope you had a wonderful day of celebrating YOU. 

  This is such a HARD part of the healing and it takes SO much work to get through!!!  Feeling extremely short changed and just plain angry about it. Seeing friends that went to college, who had parents that believed in them, encouraged their skills, gifts and studies, feeling weird because we aren't in the same place emotionally, developmentally, etc that our peers were. Definitely getting older and realizing NOW, how much potential we had in every area, that we never tapped into. Downright pissed off about ALL of it. These feelings are real, legitimate and at times all consuming. I have been there definitely and it is awful. And then there is an almost frantic need to make up for lost time- a hyper phase/period as well...at least for me.....like overdrive....and it is exhausting and draining too. Just like every other level of recovering from this, I have let myself feel it, and have sat with it, until it has run its course. With some things it has taken years on and off. I found out about npd and bpd around 8 years ago. I was diagnosed twice with ptsd around 5 years ago, then with some research discovered cptsd and THAT rang truer than anything for me. After I got passed the worst of the anger what really helped me.....was that I started thinking that yes, it was late for all of this and yes, I probably did not want to go back to college at my age. But a lot now was also NEW for me..........a lot that was old and boring for others that had more normal upbringings.........while many of them were getting bored with their lives, I felt like my world had FINALLY opened up and in a lot of ways my options were endless.....I am not trying to sound pollyanna-ish, but there was a stubborn and angry part of me that said, my foo's diseases and stupidity cheated me out of soooooooooo much life, so much living, I will be damned if I am going to lose anymore of my life because of THEM........and it was like I was completely filled with this new wonder at so many things and just thankful to FINALLY get a chance to try them and get a "taste" of feeling somewhat normal and just breathe. So I didn't go back to college but I did do a yoga teacher training course. I wasn't able to get my dream job, but did start a small business that is doing pretty well and I thoroughly enjoy the work.......Will I ever get my youth back-no- but I choose to stay young in spirit and always learning. Do I have days where I am angry all over again......OH YES....and I let myself feel the rage inside until it subsides....and it does.....it is almost as though giving myself this permission releases the hold it had over me. I get mad and then do something physical, vent, or journal about it and then it passes and I get back to living again. I still have days where I feel cheated, because I was..........WE all were.........but the stubborn part of me just will not let me stay there anymore.............too much living to do........even tho it isn't perfect, it is MILES away from where I was just a few years ago and for that I am grateful. It can seem like such a slow process at times and so frustrating, but as long as we keep moving forward, this stuff does lose the gut wrenching hold it has on us.........I love the research being done on neuroplasticity....by thinking new thoughts and learning new things and then repeating them, this past stuff loses its punch and by the time that starts to happen we are well on our way to creating a NEW way of thinking and a new reality for ourselves. 

 chairmanmeow...........you have had so much happen in your life  that makes it very understandable why you have a hard time trusting others and isolate. You are to be commended for all that you have accomplished AND survived. I am glad you have found something that brings  you peace right now too. That is such a building block and so important to have. Good for you also for getting another boat. That is a big deal. Both very positive things. It sounds like you are in a better place now - where you are able to take care of yourself first. Maybe by getting out of the relationships that were so damaging, you are now truly finding YOU and that might explain your carefree feelings. By recognizing your needs and taking care of yourself first, new and healthier relationships will come your way. Sounds like you are on a better path now and beginning the journey to finding you.  Keep being gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to heal.

That is such a great article. Thank you for sharing it. I can still remember how hard it was to hear the word abuse the first few times in therapy when she would talk about my family's treatment of me. The denial ran so deep........we had issues sure, but abuse........whoa. It was so hard to go against the grain of all the years of programming and be able to say the word out loud and admit, that yes, that was exactly what happened. This article was very thorough and specific in how much we need to be able to realize this and put the blame or responsibility where it truly lies. One of the hardest but definitely most important steps in getting through all of this. 

Thank you  I love the cushion idea too. The softness of the cushion could just add to the whole experience I think.
I hate to admit but tonight while we were talking it was ME that interrupted him twice. I apologized and all was well. These little moderator helpers can work wonders for creating much healthier conversation.

Thank you  You are too. 

Thank you  We were talking again this evening............using the stone once again.......so far so good 

That is great BigGreeSee123. So happy she was able to work with you to stay present through that. That is a big deal. Happy that you came away feeling a sense of hope and safety with her too. 

woodsgnome, YES that is exactly it. It is so exhausting and just undoing really to have to sink to the bottom every time something happens that causes one and then slowly climb your way back up to repeat yet again and again. It gives you such a hopeless feeling. That power definitely does. Had it not been for the book, I don't know if I would have even made this baby step. I had heard people talk about them but had no idea what they really were. I am so thankful for learning this.  Thank you so much! 

arpy1 Thank you!!!     Ha ha Exactly!!!!! 

It is funny because I REALLY let him know how much it was bothering me this past weekend. We have been chatting since, in the evenings after work and I can tell he is really trying with this.........so much so, that until tonight there had not been even one single episode. When it happened tonight, he caught himself and apologized at least...........later I remembered when we were going through a tough time several years ago we jokingly had the "talking stone." The person that was speaking got to hold the stone until they were done and then hand it to the other. It seems this interrupting thing with him definitely shows up when we are going through something very stressful. So the stone is going to be part of our conversations again!  DU I love the idea of just saying........Please stop ranting now........that is perfect!!!! These are all such great ideas. Southbound, I really like the one about writing it on the card too and holding it up. I think tuning him out would be easy for me in that situation also. chair, that is kind of what he has said, so I have been cutting him some slack............unfortunately it was getting so bad  that I could barely speak when we were having these conversations. I gave him too much slack  I think your last statement was a very reasonable response to this type of person. I feel much differently toward acquaintances etc, that act like that or even other family members at this point in my life. I think what you suggested by just walking away is excellent! 

I found myself in the undertow of an emotional flashback the other day. Although I am not completely  through Peter Walker's book, I have read about the EF's. I have had these for forever and never knew what the heck they were. Well this time when it happened, I recognized it. Recognized the over reaction to what had happened and was able to put it into perspective. What a sense of power. Where before it would have completely pulled me under, this time it did not. I was able to work through it in much less time and get on with it. Like they say when we can name it we can tame it. YES!  Baby steps! 

Love these ideas! Thank you. 

I would love to stillhere