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Topics - AgandFe

#1
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Conflicting needs.
October 28, 2015, 03:18:22 AM
I'm at a stage in my recovery where I am deeply conflicted about how close I want to get to people.

For years, over fifteen years, I never felt lonely no matter how alone I was. The relief of not having to interact with another human being was profound. I felt like I lost my ability to connect to human beings, like that had been burned out of me. I was able to connect to animals much more easily, and my pets were literal life-savers for me, and still are. I feel understood by them.

I've been in therapy for a while, and I've begun to feel lonely. I know it sounds strange, but that is a sign of improvement for me. I feel the urge to be close to someone, maybe to lean against them while sitting at their side... Nothing more than that.

I now have competing needs: the need to connect to people, and the need to keep myself safe and alone.

How do the rest of you manage this balancing act, especially in terms of a romantic relationship? After the sadistic abuse I've been through in romantic relationships, I'm terrified of them, but I'm starting to feel like thinking about dating again, and yet I feel stupid and crazy for wanting to be that close to someone, it seems about as smart as putting my hand directly into a fire.
#2
Hi, I'm new here, obviously.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD for over a year now, and am in active therapy for it. I thought about joining a forum for a while now, but I've been building up to it.

My first boyfriend, when I was 18 was a sadistic psychopath. In the eight months I was with him, I was verbally abused, sexually abused, mentally abused and subjected to what my therapist calls "torture". He used to lock me in his basement, in the dark, and hunt me with kitchen knives for fun. He would play the Rolling Stones so that I couldn't sleep, and I was not allowed to eat more than I had to to stay alive.

Even after all the therapy, my heart races just typing about it.

My memories are jumbled and fragmented, not linear. For years I convinced myself it simply didn't matter, when I could, I pretended that it didn't happen. I got medical attention and lived in a fog for two or three years, the fog was punctuated by bouts of rage.

I was sexually assaulted, on two separate occasions, after that, by strangers.

I was convinced that it was because I was somehow bringing this on myself. How could one person have so much happen to them and have it not be their fault, after all?

I refused to dwell on them, though. I just kept forcing myself through life until I couldn't anymore. I became very, very depressed and attempted suicide.

I was treated for depression, but because I was terrified to speak of the abuse, I was never told about C-PTSD. After all, I thought only soldiers got PTSD, I didn't think my abuse and torture was severe enough, and I never thought about it, anyway.

After marrying a woman (I literally could not get close to men) who subjected me to more emotional abuse, I got out and divorced her. I started to get help, and decided to talk about all the abuse, finally. I was promptly diagnosed with severe C-PTSD and I've been working on it since.

I'm glad I found this place, thanks for reading.