I'm at a stage in my recovery where I am deeply conflicted about how close I want to get to people.
For years, over fifteen years, I never felt lonely no matter how alone I was. The relief of not having to interact with another human being was profound. I felt like I lost my ability to connect to human beings, like that had been burned out of me. I was able to connect to animals much more easily, and my pets were literal life-savers for me, and still are. I feel understood by them.
I've been in therapy for a while, and I've begun to feel lonely. I know it sounds strange, but that is a sign of improvement for me. I feel the urge to be close to someone, maybe to lean against them while sitting at their side... Nothing more than that.
I now have competing needs: the need to connect to people, and the need to keep myself safe and alone.
How do the rest of you manage this balancing act, especially in terms of a romantic relationship? After the sadistic abuse I've been through in romantic relationships, I'm terrified of them, but I'm starting to feel like thinking about dating again, and yet I feel stupid and crazy for wanting to be that close to someone, it seems about as smart as putting my hand directly into a fire.
For years, over fifteen years, I never felt lonely no matter how alone I was. The relief of not having to interact with another human being was profound. I felt like I lost my ability to connect to human beings, like that had been burned out of me. I was able to connect to animals much more easily, and my pets were literal life-savers for me, and still are. I feel understood by them.
I've been in therapy for a while, and I've begun to feel lonely. I know it sounds strange, but that is a sign of improvement for me. I feel the urge to be close to someone, maybe to lean against them while sitting at their side... Nothing more than that.
I now have competing needs: the need to connect to people, and the need to keep myself safe and alone.
How do the rest of you manage this balancing act, especially in terms of a romantic relationship? After the sadistic abuse I've been through in romantic relationships, I'm terrified of them, but I'm starting to feel like thinking about dating again, and yet I feel stupid and crazy for wanting to be that close to someone, it seems about as smart as putting my hand directly into a fire.