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I wanted to share because I'm actually really proud of myself for it. Yesterday was spent with family. I didn't realize how disassociated I was even though all I wanted to do was drink and hide until nighttime after I watched the movie Interstellar which to my complete shock and bewilderment sent me into a huge EF. My critic quickly escalated things because I felt lame for getting triggered by a movie and because I can't do things other people can or else this happens. It hit a moment of thinking "I want to cut" (haven't for over 3 years) and a quick thought of suicide and then i was like this is an EF. I got out Pete Walkers tips to get through EF and also to combat inner critic and I was totally able to get myself out of the EF and stay 100% safe.  Granted it took like an hour with lots of sobbing and praying and lowering then quick spiking of anxiety before it stayed calm, but I was able to use those tips and mindfulness and went to bed out of my EF. Thanks for letting me share!

My nightmares are getting out of control. Yesterday I was on the phone with insurance and after I got off, I had an instant splitting migraine so bad I couldn't process the call. I think my brain literally burnt out and malfunctioned. I woke up at two from another reoccurring nightmare about crashing in a broken elevator and after I calmed down, I realized the result of the call was I can't afford therapy. I have completely lost my faith in god and am so discouraged and shaken to my core. I couldn't sleep after the nightmare except for an hour when I curled up on the floor (am I the only one who finds the floor more safe than beds or  couches?). I don't know what to do. I was so tired when i got to work that I left right away and since my nightmares have been horrid for the last two weeks, I literally collapsed from exhaustion when I got home. Any tips on managing nightmares? I think if i could just get a few nights of sleep, I'd be doing much better.

I'm not sure how much I'll post here because well people...it's not easy for me. However, I'm 27 and a single mother to the most incredible 4 year old. I work at a library (shelving books; no degree and high school drop out). I LOVE my job and my co workers are so supportive and deal with meltdowns which I just realized were being caused by emotional flashbacks (I can't believe these are a thing and that it's taken so many years for me to find a word to describe what the neck is happening; I feel so much less insane).

Finding the C-PTSD diagnosis was so random as I just got a kindle and was searching for free books on PTSD since I had another trigger at work two weeks ago and can't shake the symptoms this time. I randomly downloaded some free ones about it and reading it thought "omg there are actually words that finally describe perfectly what I've been experiencing?! Why has no one caught this?!"

Quick back story: emotional abuse from an explosive anger mother and I'm a very anxious person. Severe bullying. Sexual abuse outside home. Other traumatic stuff that makes me sound pathetic and I really hate talking about it. Self injured for 11 years starting when I was 13. Multiple suicide attempts and should be dead. I'm not but during an incredibly self destructive period when I was early 20's I got pregnant and didn't know father. No one wanted me to keep my daughter but I did and swore she'd have a better life and I got my act together. This year I hit my 3rd year recovery and am working on writing a book about my story but hit a rut. Some days I question what I'm doing and if I'll ever make a difference in this world.

I spent 10 years in therapy and have literally had every diagnosis from just depression to bpd, did, schizoaffective, and everything in between. I stopped because of inconsistent and poor treatment. I'm incredibly distrustful of mental health workers because of horrible experiences and ineffective treatment. I'm so relieved to find this diagnosis because it has given me words to describe what's going on. I hate feeling like a child and can't say how glad I am I'm apparently not the only one.

So yeah. Some days are good and I really do love life, but I get triggered and it messes my head. I get nightmares and my thoughts get so mixed up. I get so anxious and feel like I'm going insane. This last trigger was so bad that I have a call out to a therapist to see about getting in to see her who is specialized in trauma and then I found these books.

I am very active in church and sometimes feel like a piss poor Christian and that I just need stronger faith, but I do have a great pastor who I've been able to confide in multiple times and these thoughts come solely from me. I also, like I said, have wonderful, supportive co workers, many who are also in therapy. It was hard to make that phone call. I don't trust people and it took over two years for me to trust my current support system. It terrifies me to think about going back into therapy, but I need help.

I love to play guitar and write and have a blog called Beloved Unlovables because I want to share my story and inspire others to share theirs and to spread the message all people are beloved and deserve to be loved as they are right now. Sometimes I'm better at preaching my message than listening though. Still, I want to make a difference in this world and encourage and inspire others, but I'm a little stuck right now. Thanks for listening.

~L