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I wrote this sometime ago....in 1990, long before I knew I had CPTSD, long before I knew anything about it. 

The Lost Child

An ocean of tears
Has been building for years
So many relationships
Family, lovers, friendships
Damaged. Lost, relinquished

Feeling abandoned
Yet knowing
There is something
Wrong
With me
Not them

Greater and greater the fears
Paranoid and defensive
Up and down I go
Something terrible is happening
The pain, exploding
Where does it all come from?

Be strong
You can do it
Reach out
You can do it
Be kind, be loving
You can do it

Tired, very very tired
Please love me
Somebody
I am but a child
In a woman's body
Mommy? Daddy?

I think I lost them or did they lose me?  This new journal will be, hopefully, about getting in touch with my feelings

I'm not sure if this is a coincidence or not but last Friday which is T day, I woke up  feeling, then thinking that she was not feeling well and going to cancel the appointment. Even though i feel she is pretty safe i still find it really difficult to meet every week.  My body tenses up even more than usual a couple days before the appointment and my mood changes.   I then received notification that she was not feeling well and that the appointment was cancelled.
All to say, that I was releaved the apt was cancelled.  A couple days later I started feeling/thinking (not sure anymore which is which) I missed the session, talking with her.

As I thought and reviewed over the last session from my notebook I saw her suggestion about joining an online community because I am very isolated.  My isolation is very much my choice.  I have very few people in my life and have difficulty maintaining a relationship of any kind.  And really a big part of me really doesn't want to even try.  I think my T focuses on the little part that still does want to try.  My head and my belief now is 'don't even bother, it's not worth it, it's too hard, it's unsafe (not necessarily in the right order) I very seldom go out except to get groceries and i do that as quickly as possible to get home wfere ut's safe.  Anyway,  I searched online and OOTS came up.  I tried it and it seems to be a good fit for me.  Hopefully I myself will be a fit as well.  I have never fit in anywhere.  Maybe for a bit but then it usually goes sideways. I digress....

Usually I sleep,  well I always over sleep and often have long daily naps.  I feel exhausted all the time from all the years of being out in the world and all the abuse that entails, feeling unsafe and hypervigilant and extremely sensitive to my surroundings and what the humans are doing lol.    Hence my choice for isolation.   So it was unusual for me this morning to wake up at 4:20 am especially that I went to sleep about 11:30 last night. 

I stayed awake til approx 630 am, watching tv . At 9 am the phone rang and it was the LTD insurance company calling.  It's almost like my body knows before I do what's going to happen.  My body and my head always get triggered when LTD insurance topic comes up.  I so wished they would leave me alone forever and ever so I can rest, not worry about them or anything else for that matter.  I'm just so tired of trying to make things work. The call was about sending me yet another form to fill out.  More hoops to jump through. I know I have to do these things, it is part of the process if I want to continue receiving disability payments.  I believe it's the triggers that I'm so tired of, it wouldn't be as difficult I guess without the triggers.  Ohhhh yeah that's why I'm on disability, (tongue in cheek) I can't seem to handle much of anything. 

I'm looking forward to session with T tomorrow.  It can't seem to come soon enough! 

Well I'm new here and am reading a lot of posts and relating.  Many posts are saying, expressing what I have not been able to verbalize but have felt for years.  I have "struggled" as far back as I can remember relationally. I was diagnosed with CPTSD a
couple years ago and am now getting help for the trauma experienced from an early age,and throughout my existence.  I say existence because really that is all its been.  I am realizing I have gone through life numb, hypervigilant, people pleasing, depressed and extremely anxious.  I have always felt there was something really wrong with me. 

A few incidences at work transpired which triggered and caused me to shutdown.  I continue to isolate however my therapist suggested an online group might be of benefit - so here I am. I will have to take it slow as well.

Thank you to all whom have shared their journey.