Messages

I'm definitely not a professional mental health worker, but I've done a lot of research on NPD because of my experiences with people with NPD and ASPD.

Short answer to your OP? If you are worried that you might have NPD, you don't. A narc or a psychopath would never, ever worry about that. As I understand it, a Narc doesn't have the insight for it, and a Psychopath would consider it a strength, never a weakness.

I think living with one of these disordered types is like living with a fire breathing dragon. If you are going to survive it, you get used to living in armor. Sometimes that armor can make us look like we might be similar, but we just became what we had to become to survive.

When I was with the sadistic psychopath (that was his psychiatrist's official diagnosis of him, not my own), I had to learn how he thought. I had to get to know how his mind worked so that I could anticipate what to do, so that I could make it out of that situation alive. I'm damn lucky I did. When I get scared, I revert back to thinking like he did because it saved me before, if that makes any sense? I'm definitely not a psychopath, however. I feel incredible guilt if I hurt someone, even if they deserved it. I rescue shelter animals, I doubt myself continually and I've had the same doubts but came to the conclusion that I'm not a monster, I just learned to mimic one because I had to.

Sorry that was so long.

I find problem solving really relaxing, actually. It's one of the things I love about my job, is that I get to do intense problem solving all day, and it keeps my mind functioning.

If I can't sleep at night, I design things in my head. Something about that helps me fall asleep.

That's exactly it. I have a lot of moments in every single day where I feel "not human". I feel like an alien, dropped here among people who chit chat about their lawns for 20 minutes, and trust each other. 

The feeling of "otherness" is way more isolating than just being by myself. I can't relate to people and the sort of things they talk about. I don't really care about the weather outside. Chances are, I didn't even notice it, I was busy having an EF, or trying to make sure I was aware of everyone around me.

If I made /honest/ small talk, it would horrify normal people. My response to: so what's new with you? Would be: well, I rode in an elevator with a man for five floors, and I didn't plan out exactly where and how hard I'd have to hit him to take him down if he tried to grab me, so that's an improvement!

[edited for typos]

Conversation stopper right there...

Thank you! It's nice to hear encouraging words about this, and really hard to explain it to someone who doesn't understand the dilemma.

I'm still in therapy, and I'm seeing my T again this week. I've taken a few steps toward being less isolated, maybe baby steps is the way to go.

I have to agree, being aware of the warning signs of being used and abused definitely is an upside to CPTSD.  I had the same experience with a guy back a few years ago when I was trying to date. He came across like the greatest guy in the world ... but I recognized those little cracks. I think I shocked him when he tried to sucker me into feeling sorry for him and I called his bluff.

I have to admit, it felt good to stop that particular sort of monster in his tracks.

As for reaching out, it's hard to reach out. Some days I feel like all I attract are psychos for 'friends' and dates. I keep trying, though, when I can. I have a couple really, really, really good friends who I've known forever and I know I can trust. It was hard to find them, it's going to be hard to find trustworthy people in the future too, but I think they're worth sorting through the chaff for.

I'm at a stage in my recovery where I am deeply conflicted about how close I want to get to people.

For years, over fifteen years, I never felt lonely no matter how alone I was. The relief of not having to interact with another human being was profound. I felt like I lost my ability to connect to human beings, like that had been burned out of me. I was able to connect to animals much more easily, and my pets were literal life-savers for me, and still are. I feel understood by them.

I've been in therapy for a while, and I've begun to feel lonely. I know it sounds strange, but that is a sign of improvement for me. I feel the urge to be close to someone, maybe to lean against them while sitting at their side... Nothing more than that.

I now have competing needs: the need to connect to people, and the need to keep myself safe and alone.

How do the rest of you manage this balancing act, especially in terms of a romantic relationship? After the sadistic abuse I've been through in romantic relationships, I'm terrified of them, but I'm starting to feel like thinking about dating again, and yet I feel stupid and crazy for wanting to be that close to someone, it seems about as smart as putting my hand directly into a fire.

Very eloquently put, Coda.

Living with someone like that is like being forced into a game that is literally impossible to win. You can never look right unless they can somehow take credit for you looking right. Both exes loved to correct me, they lived for it. Of course now when someone corrects me at work, I feel my hackles rise, and I start having EF.

The only time I dressed "correctly" was when I let them dress and arrange me, like a doll. It was just sick. Both exes liked to control everything about my appearance from my clothing to hair cut and color, to the make up I wore. I got a short haircut without 'permission' from the sadist, once. Needless to say I paid for it.

I've found I have a very similar problem.

My first ex (who was sadistically abusive) and the second ex I married later and divorced (emotionally abusive) both liked to focus on my looks a great deal. If I didn't look good enough or perfect enough, I would be put down (by the sadist in particular). If I put effort into looking perfect, I was accused (by both exes) of trying to 'get some attention', make them look bad in comparison, or I was outright told "you look like a whore".

When I get dressed these days (free of both of them, thankfully), I'm hyper-aware of having to look good enough, but not "too" good, or I have the feeling something terrible will happen, just a sense of free-floating doom that makes me nervous all day.

Hi,

I've had CPTSD for almost 20 years, too. It's exhausting. The things normal people do and don't even think about are terrifying for people who have had repeated abuse. I can't stand to take a taxi anywhere, the drivers are nearly exclusively male, and I feel trapped even if I sit in the back seat. There's lots more, but basically, while I haven't had your life, I understand what you mean about 'normal' things being very, very hard to do.

I hope this place helps you, and I hope you find some peace.

Thank you, everyone! It's awful to talk about it, but it is nice to be able to talk about it with people who actually understand what it's like to live with these memories, and how they elbow their way into the present every single day.

I'm kind of shy, I don't know how much I will post, but it is a good feeling to join.

Hi, I'm new here, obviously.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD for over a year now, and am in active therapy for it. I thought about joining a forum for a while now, but I've been building up to it.

My first boyfriend, when I was 18 was a sadistic psychopath. In the eight months I was with him, I was verbally abused, sexually abused, mentally abused and subjected to what my therapist calls "torture". He used to lock me in his basement, in the dark, and hunt me with kitchen knives for fun. He would play the Rolling Stones so that I couldn't sleep, and I was not allowed to eat more than I had to to stay alive.

Even after all the therapy, my heart races just typing about it.

My memories are jumbled and fragmented, not linear. For years I convinced myself it simply didn't matter, when I could, I pretended that it didn't happen. I got medical attention and lived in a fog for two or three years, the fog was punctuated by bouts of rage.

I was sexually assaulted, on two separate occasions, after that, by strangers.

I was convinced that it was because I was somehow bringing this on myself. How could one person have so much happen to them and have it not be their fault, after all?

I refused to dwell on them, though. I just kept forcing myself through life until I couldn't anymore. I became very, very depressed and attempted suicide.

I was treated for depression, but because I was terrified to speak of the abuse, I was never told about C-PTSD. After all, I thought only soldiers got PTSD, I didn't think my abuse and torture was severe enough, and I never thought about it, anyway.

After marrying a woman (I literally could not get close to men) who subjected me to more emotional abuse, I got out and divorced her. I started to get help, and decided to talk about all the abuse, finally. I was promptly diagnosed with severe C-PTSD and I've been working on it since.

I'm glad I found this place, thanks for reading.