Messages

I've lived all of my adult life with the fear that something horrible is going to happen to me.  This fear has destroyed romantic relationships and friendships throughout my life.  From what I have read on this site and the book I am reading, I understand that when I am experiencing this fear I am living in the past. 

My Baptist minister father told me once that god was going to kill someone in our church in the month of October of that year because they turned to sin and away from him. He would not tell me who it was.  I was terrified because I believed it was me.  Similar scenarios played out over my childhood with my father singling me out as the child who he told his dark prophecies to. He would put me in the car and drive and would tell me how god was angry and how he was going to destroy the world during our lifetime.  I believed my father completely.

This coming Monday I am meeting for the first time with a psychiatrist who specializes in cognitive therapy.  My current psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bi-Polar disorder ten years ago but I never believed I was or am.

I'm a 50 year old man and I'm sitting here at work shaking like a child.  My boss and co-workers are not aware of it because I'm hiding it.  I'm tired of hiding it.  I want it to go away. 

Thank you, everyone for your support.  It's comforting and I value it.

I am just starting to recognize my inner critic.  I have discovered I have been listening to it for 34 years.

Today it is telling me;

I am worthless
Others hate me
I am always wrong
No one wants to be friends with me
No one finds me attractive
No one can be trusted
There is no one who will ever love me

All of this has been constantly playing in my head all day and I am at work and have to fake like everything is okay, and I have to concentrate on my projects so that they are produced correctly.

I am mentally exhausted.  Medication is useless.

But I am thankful for this site and for this community of people who understand me, and I them.  That's a good thing. 

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.  It means a lot to me and I am grateful. 

I ended a fifteen year relationship over the holidays last year.  I was tired of being hated by him.  The relationship was toxic at best and brought out the worst in me due, in part, to my CPTSD. 

I moved out of the city and into the suburbs so I wouldn't have to see him.  Almost all of my friends are friends with him also.  I avoid them because I do not feel safe with them.  He's with the person he was cheating on me with.  It hurts to hear anything about them.

I was bullied as a child for many years and my dad, who is a Baptist minister, preached of an angry god who was going to send me to *.  I believed every word my dad spoke and grew up hated by my peers and hated by god and terrified of being sent to *. 

I'll be 50 next month and I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life. 

Thank you for your kind welcome, and thank you for the book recommendations.  I will look into both of them. 

I am also struggling with the deactivation of my Facebook account.  I loved Facebook.  I connected with people from my past who I loved and met new people who's interest I shared. 

And then my relationship of fifteen years ended over the holidays last year and Facebook became a field of emotional land minds.  I had to unfriend almost all of our mutual friends, telling them before I did it, because seeing or hearing anything about my ex caused me extreme stress and depression.

Over the July 4th holiday I saw a photo of my ex with his new boyfriend, someone that I had suspected he was having an affair with while we were together.  It hurt me very much.  It was then that I decided to deactivate my account for fear of seeing him or hearing about him.

Now I am without the connection to people I enjoyed.

All of the old familiar feelings came flooding back, the isolation, the loneliness, feeling like everyone else is better than me, feeling like no one wanted me, that I was unloveable, feeling I was useless and wrong, feeling I wasn't good enough to be a part of a group, feeling like no one can be trusted, feeling like everyone wants to hurt me, feeling like everyone hates me, feeling ashamed of being me.

I miss Facebook, but I am scared to go back.  It was a positive thing in my life and now I associate it with pain.  I have no hope at this point.

I am a new member.  I recently discovered CPTSD while searching online for information about the effects childhood bullying can have on a persons life.

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder ten years ago by a psychiatrist and put on meds and I never identified myself in any of the books or websites I read on the subject.  I knew immediately upon reading the symptoms of CPTSD that I had found what was really wrong with me.

I have lived 34 years in torment due to being bullied as a child.  I am so thankful to finally have an answer and to know that I am not crazy and that recovery is possible. 

Thank you