Hey all! Not sure if I really belong here, but..alright. Here we go! Short(ish) and sweet 
I'm having vivid flashbacks of the past--remembering places and feelings I had tucked away and discovering that I can barely live in the town that we grew up in because there are awful memories on almost every corner. I want to let go. I truly do. I thought I HAD, but having him back in my life is clearly the ultimate trigger. I just remember how bad things were and I'm terrified it will happen again, the rational side of my brains tells me that he was a stupid kid who didn't understand that his actions had consequences that hurt me profoundly.
I'm terrified that I'll find out he's been lying to me, that he's been unfaithful, that maybe there is still some awful secret about our past that he's hiding. The rational part of me tells me this is silly, he's been so incredibly patient with me the past year that we've been together and I only just recently discovered CPTSD from googling "can a bad relationship cause a stress disorder?" and I'm also not receiving professional help (yet). He understands that I have my bad days and helps me how he can--he knows when I'm feeling down and wants to help.
I already feel bad enough that I can't "let go of the past", I don't want to tell him that I may have a stress disorder because of it..it probably sounds crazy but I feel completely guilty for my feelings and flashbacks and "bad days" because I should be able to move on. I have every desire to do so but it seems I just don't possess the tools yet..
So do I belong here? Can anyone relate? Or do I just need to get over it..
I'm having vivid flashbacks of the past--remembering places and feelings I had tucked away and discovering that I can barely live in the town that we grew up in because there are awful memories on almost every corner. I want to let go. I truly do. I thought I HAD, but having him back in my life is clearly the ultimate trigger. I just remember how bad things were and I'm terrified it will happen again, the rational side of my brains tells me that he was a stupid kid who didn't understand that his actions had consequences that hurt me profoundly.
I'm terrified that I'll find out he's been lying to me, that he's been unfaithful, that maybe there is still some awful secret about our past that he's hiding. The rational part of me tells me this is silly, he's been so incredibly patient with me the past year that we've been together and I only just recently discovered CPTSD from googling "can a bad relationship cause a stress disorder?" and I'm also not receiving professional help (yet). He understands that I have my bad days and helps me how he can--he knows when I'm feeling down and wants to help.
I already feel bad enough that I can't "let go of the past", I don't want to tell him that I may have a stress disorder because of it..it probably sounds crazy but I feel completely guilty for my feelings and flashbacks and "bad days" because I should be able to move on. I have every desire to do so but it seems I just don't possess the tools yet..
So do I belong here? Can anyone relate? Or do I just need to get over it..