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I don't know how to do the quote thing but woodsgnome when you say you fear rejection and disbelief and that you were embarrassed.

I wish there was something I could say so that wasn't a fear for you. I personally don't care what is believed and I'm so used to being rejected because of what happened that it doesn't matter to me when it happens. If anything it's a reflection on the kind of person they are.

Maybe just focus on what you said at the end, that all things considered you are a pretty okay person. And so what if you are not normal. Really no ones normal.

I also think that I might be over stepping here (so not a therapist) but if an action causes you anxiety or causes you to trigger or disassociate why even put yourself in that situation? I understand seeking emotional attachment as that's something that you want but going further because it's 'normal' or because it's expected. I couldn't do it, it would feel like I was assaulting myself. I do everything I can to avoid my 'triggers' it took a while for me to realize that my happiness and comfort and security is more important then fitting in and doing the 'norm'. It makes life a little lonely but at least I'm not in pain.

I hope that you find a way to except you for you. And know there is nothing wrong with you. You are more than a sum of your parts! When I start to get hard on myself about those parts of myself I try and remember regardless of the reason nature or nurture I am who I am and that's all that I am. I'm not saying lower your expectations for yourself but maybe remember that your expectations should be based on what you want, on what makes you happy or safe.

Sanmagic, thanks again for your help and support, I've read a bit about sexual disfunction after child abuse but haven't really found what I'm looking for. My attention span hinders my progress. I want to understand the science behind it. Like how childhood trauma actually changes the brains development and ultimately all things through that. Sort of how reactive attachment disorder develops. How in infancy the need for nurture is so tantamount to a child's development that with out it, or under the wrong circumstances a child might never develop the ability to have emotional attachments.

I like understanding the science behind it. Thanks again for everyone! And again Woodsgnome i hope this reminds you that you are not alone, I know it helps me except myself easier knowing that there are others who are also affected and changed on a visceral level, because you are right someone who hasn't experienced something similar doesn't understand and often doesn't believe, because to them things like love and romance and sex are all just natural. It's not on the same level exactly but no one believes me when I tell them I've never loved and don't have the capacity to do so... their response is you just haven't met the right guy, I then have to decide if I'm going to try and explain that I wasn't referring to guys, that I've never loved at all, not parents or siblings or a best friend. Usually I just give up and let them believe what they want. I know the truth, and have found a few who understand. Good luck in all that is life.

You had me up until the abusive part. None of it was ever abusive (I think violent is the better word), non of it was related to love or positive feelings. There was never a desire to comply so I wouldn't be punished or for approval. There wasn't a reward punishment system. I was simply a tool, I wasn't even forced to participate. I was just expected to except it quietly.

I kind of went off explaining and clarifying (discussing what happened and getting it out there sure is cathartic) what I meant to say is thank you that makes perfect sense, if you know of any material I would love to read it, or even maybe a reference point for research. Googling screwed up sexual preferences doesn't produce a good result. I don't know about it being a coping mechanism. I really think that somewhere along the way with the neglect and reactive attachement stuff that after all was said and done my ideas about desire and commitment got weird.

Thank you so much for your reply I'm not ready to break out all the deep stuff with my therapist yet. It's hard to tell em all the dirty details. We are working on me building friendships because I don't feel as if I can get past surface relationships because I don't have the capacity for emotions or feelings. She's still naive and thinks that I'm just guarded. I haven't told her that I am sure I have CPTSD or that I think I have reactive attachement disorder or that my ACES score is 7. I'm trying to see if she picks up on any of that on her own.

Again thank you so much for the reply. The only way to figure this out is to understand it better. Thanks again your insight was much appreciated.

I wanna know if I am alone with this or if others have scewed love maps or interests due to the trauma they experienced? I understand that for some sex or intimacy is a trigger but I'm curious if anyone has different than normal response to the trauma, like development of a fetish or something. 

I have CPTSD recent self diagnosis. I had extensive childhood trauma with significant sexual trauma.

My whole family (and it was a large one 10 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins) were either predator or pray (I guess there were the very few who were just enablers) my sexual trauma started at age 5 (that I know of) and continued with family related trauma until I was 16.

I never learned what relationships were supposed to be like. There were never any significant examples. Like most here I thought it was all normal. When I passed puberty and was removed from that life I had no clue what was normal. I struggled the first 10ish years after that trying to figure it out.

I was triggered often, laid down and excepted my fate when I found myself in certain situations. My only examples of what to expect was what I had experienced and observed as a child and what I could glean from movies and tv shows. I get mad thinking of all the times I was assaulted where I never knew I could have just walked away. (There were a lot of them, very nice considerate guys and friends who were right there had I just said hey can we go home? But that's another story for another time)

As time went on and experiences happened I began to learn how to avoid situations I wasnt interested in. I also found what it was that I was interested in.

This is where things get weird if sexual depravity might offend you I'd suggest not reading any further.

I can't imagine that a guy wants to have sex for any other purpose except for physical gratification. I believe that mens sexual gratification is so important that they compromise on their beliefs and morality in order to experience it.

There are exceptions but I believe that the drive for sexual gratification is so much a part of male genetics that except for the rare circumstance men will chose sexual gratification over none.

Tell a man he has to cut off an arm or leg.... or his penis and I don't believe any man would chose to cut off his penis (I know logically that there has to be exceptions but emotionally I don't believe it)

And yes I know this belief is due to my trauma and it is not fact. But I can't help what I believe.

With that in mind I have never felt emotionally connected in anyway while having an intimate relationship, I'm sure my ideas about men aren't the only reason for that but it is what it is.

However since I've come into my sexual own I've realized that I am mostly responsive to pain and physical assault type behavior. That I get the most satisfaction both physically and emotionally from this type of sexual act. The idea of being forced and kept long term, kidnapped or the like is the only scenario where I can imagine that I would ever truly feel wanted.

I have rape fantasies, how seriously screwed up is that? Has anyone else developed an unhealthy or seriously screwed relationship with sex? Does anyone know why or how this is? Is there a way around or through this? Has anyone changed their sexual preferences?

The idea that gay is a choice comes to mind. I feel that this is permanent that I'll always feel this way. I can't change my preferences any more than someone who is gay can. Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated it was a hard decision to write about sex for obvious reasons, I hope there are others who could benefit from this type of discussion.

If this was over stepping I'm sorry. Not my intention, it is really something that I could never talk to anyone about but still needed to.

I too have a career where I see and have experienced the same things as you, from a different angle. While I do have CPTSD. (developed as a child) I do not have PTSD due to work. I do understand that help for those in that type of service is little to non existent, a lot of effort is put into war time PTSD but for you, and many others in the public service fields your war last years without any safe place. When soldiers come home the war zone is somewhere else. Yours is in your own back yard.

I guess I should correct my statement my CPTSD and the symptoms and effects it's had on me has made the trauma I experience at work different.

Just know that as it was when you were working you didn't work alone and you are not alone now. I hope your journey to healing is effective. Find support where ever you can.

I don't know about your inner critic, I'm not sure I have one? I'm new to all this. What I do know is that with every post I read, with everything I learn from everyone on here, with every shared experience, or ahh haa moment, every time I can relate just a little bit, that I am helped. Your words even without intending them to, help me, more than I could ever repay. And I thank you!

I have always done this to some extent or another. I feel as if this was how I survived my childhood with as much sanity that I did. I can't imagine life without it. I don't know if I'd ever want to stop.

"main distinction being that it distorts a person's core identity, especially when prolonged trauma occurs during childhood developement"

I think that eventually CPTSD will evolve because there are those of us who are traumatized during developement while children, then there are those who are traumatized as adults, or both, repeatedly and every instance is different and yields a different result. You obviously experienced multiple traumas of different categories during development and then again as an adult.

It doesn't matter that psychology hasn't caught up with the truth of it all, while CPTSD is the only vague unofficial name for a very complex thing the truth is that the trauma you lived through (no matter what it's called) is just that trauma! Terrible disgusting horrible excessive trauma on a small innocent fragile little girl with no security or escape.

I hope you know that you are more than your trauma and realize that you deserve the world! Stay strong! Seek strong trustworthy friends and know that you are not alone!!!

From what I understand CPTSD comes from parental figure dysfunction. Not having a safe nurturing, supportive, protective adult figure when you are growing and developing. It's as simple as that. The developement of a child happens at certain times without the proper care there is dysfunction. Just like how birds don't know they are birds until they are taught to be. Without proper raising you raised yourself... and while that is thought to be sad by normal standards what it really is is devistating. A 4 year old no sooner has the knowledge or skills to raise it self as a bird would know how to teach itself how to fly.

Just a thought, maybe try working on your shame and blame? Without admitting what ever it is you are struggling to say.

Maybe use hypothetical similar stories with your therapist to gauge a reaction?

It's obvious you are afraid to admit what ever it is that you feel 'you did'. Start small, build up your comfort with talking about it. But if it's over whelming and it hurts to even imagine saying it in the middle of an empty field alone then stop!!! you're not ready! And that's okay!

I worked small, forgiving my self for little things. I'm a procrastinator this is a negative quality but should I be ashamed of it? No, it simply is a part of who I am, I can work on not procrastinating, try and be better, find tricks to accomplish things on time. But I except that it's part of me and it's not a bad thing! Start small! Forgive yourself of the little things. If your house is a little cluttery, if you ditched school when you were younger, if you lied to your boss about being sick when really you just wanted to go to a flea market. Start small! This helped me a lot!

I feel that your trauma is your trauma regardless of the other person in the story.  It doesn't change what happened to you.  Age, disabilities, being traumatized doesn't take it away or minimize your experience

I have a similar story, with cousins not uncles. It started when I was really young, like 5. I too feel disgusted about my complicit ness, I also struggle with blaming my cousins. They weren't much older none over the age of 16 and it was all coercion instead of something violent or forced. I like to think that at 13-14 their 'love map' was so screwed up from puberty, child abuse, neglect and being molested by older men that they didn't understand the wrongness in their actions (coercing a weak vulnerable little girl who was definitely easy pray) to the extent they do now as adults.

No matter how it happens or by whom or any other factors, your trauma is still your trauma! And maybe your uncles behavior was his trauma, or maybe he made a terrible decision at a time in his life where his hormones were going crazy and he now feels shame and disgust for his actions, or maybe he knew what he was doing was wrong and knew he could coerce you and didn't care that it was sexual assault. No matter what you were not to blame, and wether he is to blame or not should have no bearing on how you feel about the situation and how you need to heal from it. If it will help you maybe talk to your therapist and see if asking him some questions might be helpful or hurtful.

But either way please know it's not your fault. Like that girl you knew who was abused until she was 18. And wives who are sexually abused by their husbands. You wouldn't blame them, so don't blame your 10 year old self!

Interesting thought! I'm in the medical field so thinking my PMS and cramping is due to CPTSD is hard for me to grasp (maybe partly cause I hate giving CPTSD credit) but also maybe your PMS and your cycle could be a trigger. Or the excess hormones during that time could be causing your CPTSD to come to the surface? This is a very interesting thought...

I hope you still read here hampster... I have a completely different response!

I too was angry about my self diagnosis! I too wondered if therapy and stuff would actually help or maybe hurt, because I am successful and strong and not being victimized.

I've read that there is only recovery and that recovered is not possible. That there is no cure, that you will never not be surviving or thriving... The question is are you surviving or thriving or suffering. I myself am thriving without any therapy or meds! I feel as if therapy would really almost just re victimize me.

People need therapy for help dealing with depression or anxiety or maybe just learning about their illness and understanding the whys and what not... but make no mistake therapy will change you, and there's no way to know in what way. You could go from thriving to suffering and develop an anxiety disorder or depression.... whether or not therapy would actually help you or not is something you need to decide for yourself, and remember if you change your mind you can always go later!

And to the poster that suggested that choosing to be lonely meant she wasn't happy and that therapy could help that, I'd like to maybe remind you that every situation is different and being alone does not make everyone lonely. And the stress and anxiety of trying to trust enough to be in a relationship is sometimes more detrimental than any potential benefit that might be garnered from struggling to try and be in a relationship... therapy will not alleviate fears it simply might... maybe... after much stress and turmoil teach you how to function and cope with that fear... If you are afraid of snakes would it not be best to just avoid snakes... if you are completely debilitated with your fear of snakes that you spend your days in constant anxiety and can't function then maybe you might need to see a therapist... if your fear of snakes is keeping you from your life long dream of being a vet then maybe therapy is for you... but therapy means you will be exposed to snakes, that you will have to work around or through anxiety and fear and if there is no ultimate benefit from doing so then why do it... and being in a relationship isn't a benefit, not for everyone anyway.

I'm almost opposite I think? I don't know if it's the same thing like maybe with you your inner child is the way you self sooth or something and your 'mature side' is your armor?

And for me my silly ness and out going extroverted self is the mask I show the world. (or more specifically my family)

At work I'm not silly but I am extroverted, I'm mature and professional. I don't have friends because all the masks I wear are exhausting and I'd rather just 'be' in my empty non existence then act more. I am my true self when I'm alone. Quiet, introverted, non engaging. But there is no way I can be this way around others... they think I'm depressed and sad and try and console or help me and could never understand that my natural state of non being is the only time I feel at peace.

But one of my masks (and I have little to no control over my masks, it would take a very concious constant effort to change a mask when others are around) is a silly childlike mask and it usually wins out over most all other masks (but only when children are around) and even though this mask is the least demanding it's still exhausting to wear.

I wonder if your silly side isn't a reversion or a coping mechanism, or how you self soothe but your natural self? When all your masks come off and you are able to be you?

(I'm new to this CPTSD stuff, self diagnosed 2 months ago when I ran across an article and was swiftly kicked in the chest when I realized that it applied to me and have been trying to understand more about it all)

I know you asked if anyone was deprived, and technically speaking I was, but I never developed issues with not having. I was dealing with other things and somehow I developed almost an opposite 'response?' than you. I don't like possessions things don't make me happy. Gifts give me anxiety, when positive people in my life spend money on my I feel icky, I spend money on them because of a sense of obligation. I think everyone is different and every response is different and I want to point out that it's not wrong! Don't feel guilty about being materialistic! Ignore the people that say money isn't everything or you can't buy happiness. Those statements may apply to them in their current situation but just like a reference to being Christ like isn't going to have the same effect on a Jew as it does on a catholic people should realize that there is no such thing as standard exceptable feelings and responses and what works for one doesn't always work for everyone! You do you! And I hope you find what you need to feel truely deeply and absolutely happy!!!! Here's to the journey!

TRIGGER WARNING!
I have had different responses when I mention my abuse (usually only in the most vaguest of terms)

I had a almost best friend who was extremely critical of my broken brother and the fact that I enabled him and his vice. (drinking and drugs) I got so fed up with her criticism and trying to explain the situation without bringing up his past was not working. I exploded one day and went off on her. I held nothing back and described in horrible detail the things he experienced as a child. She tried to cut me off several times, trying to get me to stop telling her things. When I finally lost my steam and was able to pull back and stop the steady flow of increasingly horrible stories she flat out with the most serious I've ever seen her face, with obvious anger in her eyes and voice told me that she never wanted to hear about any of that ever again and that what I was saying was terrible and discusting and she didn't want to hear about it. (she's in the medical field so not naive) when I told her that I had similar stories. She again said that she didn't want to hear anything about it.... She was no longer my almost best friend, at this point she became nothing more than a casual acquaintance that I worked with.

Everyone responds differently.

I had a casual friend who mentioned in passing that she was happy that 'made for tv lifetime stories' were just made up, and that it would be terrible if things like that really happened. I asked her if she was serious... she was 22. She truly thought things like that were just stories made up like super heros and ghosts living on pirate ships and alien invasions.

I had a complete stranger (customer service rep) who I approached in order to schedule an appointment tell me that he knew that I was a victim and that it was very obvious and that he could see it the moment I walked in the room.

I used to struggle with getting along with the people I worked with, them assuming my hyper vigilance, miss trust and anti social behaviors were because I was a stuck up &witch. After explaining to a couple that I had PTSD from childhood abuse and those behaviors helped me from experiencing flash backs they all performed a 360. Went from plotting to get me fired and intentionally doing everything they could to be mean and rude to totally acting as if everything was normal (and that they hadn't been bullying me) and tried to be overly nice to me.

Come to think on it I've never had someone try and use my past to try and hurt me (not counting male predators who could see that I was easy pray) I just realized, maybe your old friend and your mother in law are female predators, praying on you for a different reason, but praying on you none the less. I'm happy you have your husband as a protector! Use your safe relationships to build security for yourself so that predators will find it harder to pray on you!!!!