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[schrodinger's cat]

Thank you all for your responses. It really helps me to believe there are other people out there who can relate, because the anger I feel makes me fearful that I'm a crazy *. Or that I'm just like them. Right there. That fear can make me ugly cry.

Just to note -- I went completely no contact with them all late last year. There wasn't a trip of any kind. Sorry if the "NC" (no contact) acronym was confusing. I just assumed it would be clear. I don't miss them at all. At first it was very empowering. No one is running over me right now. It's the track in my head that won't shut up.

I actually haven't been back here because it is so hard to write about it. I want to forget that this part of me is even there. I don't know what details I should select. I don't trust myself. I'm good at crafting narratives, and given the environment I grew up in, I had to learn how to convince other people to give me what I needed to survive. I can run circles around most people in rational disagreements. It scares the * out of me because I know how destructive that can be. After years and years of being told how manipulative and horrible and crazy I am, it feels almost impossible to root out this basic mistrust of myself and my perceptions. That's why I stick with the concrete as much as possible. THIS happened. THAT was said. Then I know I'm not skewing it. Just reporting the facts. But fact selection is story telling, too.

schrodinger's cat -- Yes, the definition of CPTSD resonated with me. Moreso than PTSD. In particular the emotional flashbacks. I do get that the anger is protective... Part of my problem with my anger comes from the issues it has been causing in my marriage. My spouse told me he didn't know how to talk to me anymore because I was so angry, even though I was completely clear with him that I wasn't angry with him or at him. More on that below.


content note: childhood sexual abuse

....

The last two weeks have been hard. My therapist and I dug into the sexual abuse I suffered starting as a young teen (13). My parents allowed predators (much older teenage boys) to stay at our house sometimes for weeks at a time, knowing these boys had groomed me over the internet. (I know several people who have had it much worse. I'm not trying to garner sympathy, here. This is just what I'm dealing with. No one physically forced me to do anything.)

I kind of had made my peace with being used. But every time another wall of denial comes down there's another skeleton I have to excavate. I die a little more inside. My parents didn't care enough about me to protect my innocence. They blamed me, specifically told me that I was uncontrollable. The truth is I was a straight-A, pretty much obedient, totally innocent, totally isolated child in a rural part of the country. I was also terrified of my mother. Predators flew or drove in from hundreds of miles away. My parents picked the first one up from the airport. These predators never ever would have had access to me without my parent's consent.

My parents are not addicts, unless you count narcissistic supply. I had a stay-at-home mom. They're educated, upper-middle-class, and pass as sort of normal, if unpleasant. There are no excuses. Either they didn't give a damn what happened to me or I was stronger than them. Or both.

I haven't been able to have sex since my therapist put that together for me. I feel like a piece of meat. Our sex life was iffy already for the last year and a half because of health issues and this has just... made it harder for me.

My spouse has been under a lot of pressure at work and he's been short with me over what I feel is unavoidable stuff. General house cleanliness when we're about to move, but also my ongoing anxieties and fears. He knew from the start that I had PTSD -- I was totally clear with him every step of the way that anxiety and fear were part of the package.

I feel like I'm way too broken for him. Like I bring him down. He tells me how much he loves me and appreciates me and it doesn't get through. There's still warmth and affection and fun together, but these small and mild outbursts over day-to-day frustrations have blown apart the tiny part of me that felt safe and secure. I have shame problems, I'm a recovering perfectionist, and I'm dependent upon him right now while I'm trying to get my career going in an exceptionally tough field. It is excruciating when he's frustrated with me. My trust in him is eroding and my desire with it. I can't stop thinking about how much better off he'd be without me. It gets very dark and sometimes I can't sleep.

It's like I'm pre-programmed to self-destruct and I can't find the off switch no matter how hard I try.

I'm considering antidepressants but the last time, they seriously affected my IQ. Being smart is pretty much the basis of what little self-esteem I have. I also had an allergic reaction to the only one that worked. I'm sorry to unload all this here because I don't know if anyone here can even help. I don't know where else to go. Therapy only seems to be making things worse. I don't want to freak out my friends. They are all so far away they couldn't help unless I straight up left.

I went NC recently with my entire narcissistic FOO. My eldest sister may be a sociopath -- I have seen her take pleasure in my pain and suffering and she has attempted to push me toward suicide in the past. I have seen no evidence of a conscience, if it exists.

To show you the utter contempt I am held in -- that sister actually explained to me how to wipe my bottom when I was in my 20s. A few years ago, my other sister said I was a mentally handicapped pervert, and my mother agreed. My father attempted to get me to drop out of one of the most prestigious colleges in the country by telling me I wasn't smart enough to be there. My mother orchestrated an attempt to sever me from my entire extended family when I told her in a respectful but firm way that I was going to take some space.

I realize that my immune system issues, years of depression and anxiety, PTSD, imposter syndrome, low sense of self-worth, difficulty trusting others, past tendency to pick narcissistic partners, and crippling self-doubt are all consequences of being emotionally and financially abused, manipulated, scapegoated, discouraged, unprotected, and attacked for my entire life. When I outperformed them or achieved anything it brought heaps of rage and abuse onto me. They have conditioned me to fear success.

I am so angry and hurt. I hate their guts. This is weird for me and difficult to process. I am a gentle person who doesn't normally hate people, even when given an excellent reason. If someone behaves in a way that disturbed, usually I think through how badly they must feel inside themselves or how little connection they must have with other people to have to lord over others and treat them that way. And I feel bad for them, because they are stunted. But I hate my parents and my siblings right now.

I never learned to be comfortable with anger. It's hard to tell what is grief (and healing) and what is PTSD (and needs treatment like EMDR). I've been in and out of counseling for over a decade and it has been a huge struggle to value myself enough to make good decisions for me. I have an *excellent* therapist, but she doesn't do EMDR. Most of my old overt PTSD symptoms have been dealt with, but I remain easily triggered. I'm terrified that if I have children, someday they will hate me the way I hate my parents and siblings right now. I know it's not rational... but it's there.

I managed to break the cycle in my dating habits and now have a loving, genuinely kind and caring spouse. I'm so tired of the merry go round of depression and self-doubt bringing me down. I want to be steady and emotionally stable. Is that even possible?