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[26/07/15]

26/07/15 Panic? warning. Maybe. God, I suck at warnings. Health issues as always.

Well damn. I'm twenty now. I have been for over a month and I can't process it.

Things have happened. Loads of them, which I guess is why this place just disappeared from my head for so long.

Was college a thing I ever talked about on here? Because as of yet, I'm going back this year. When people ask I tell them its still a maybe, so that if it comes to it, I don't have to face going from a yes to a no.

But I'm still very worried about it. When I went in to apply and for interviews etc. I felt ill. It's not something I've felt for a few years now. I felt almost short of breath, very shaky and kind of sick. Borderline panic, I think. I'm hoping with all the times I've been in there this year, I'll be okay walking onto campus come september. Now I just have to worry about my classmates. We had a taster lesson for the first course I applied for and every second felt wrong to me. I think it was mostly down to being a 20yo surrounded by 15/6yos. Which will still be a problem in the new course, but I'm hoping it's more dedicated. That first one... I think it was a cop-out course. The kind people take to get the numbers and move on, even if I was intensely interested.

I lost a friend recently. Not in any dramatic sense of the word, she's taken an indefinite hiatus from the website we met on. Eventhough she's been inching away from it for months, I feel her absence very, very, very much. We're on opposite sides of the world, so it's hard to be around. I often credit her with tugging me out of my shell, so in some ways it feels like I'm learning to do things without her. Which is a ridiculous thing to type given I just said we're on opposite ends of the earth and haven't spoken regularly in months.

My mum was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and my nan thinks she's brighter since she started the medication. I think I see it too? But then, nan also said my mum has the same patience with our puppy that she had with me when I was little. I wanted to cry at that. I'm not sure I can put why into words. I think it hurt.

I tried to get benefits for my psoriasis, since it's on my feet and hands. I didn't get it. I wouldn't mind but the assessor didn't acknowledge any of my problems. If he thinks I can cook, I'll offer him one sandwich with flakey skin and another with a layer of cream all over it. It made me angry because washing my hair hurts. Dressing hurts. Writing hurts. And my mum was there when I got the letter. So I got a lecture on everything I did wrong and why.

I apologise for the long * post. And the apparent diary format. I guess I take the journal part a bit literally.

[25/3/15]

25/3/15 ; Family therapy. Ugh.

I keep logging on to write more and then I don't do it. I got glad I hadn't at first, because my nan and I have talked, and I can go back. I should be able to get myself up enough by the time I need to work to college.

I've been reading up again on emotional abuse and I just can't decide if it applies to my mother or not. On the one hand, our therapists are right, there's a crazy amount of love between us, but on the other, today she repeatedly told me I was wrong about something and twisted my words in front of them. Thank God, they called her out on it. But it doesn't make it any less unpleasant and it doesn't stop it happening (or make it easier) when she does it at other times, or in front of other family.

I'm sure I need or want to write more, but there are more words here than I thought I'd get out today so I'll be pleased with that, I suppose.

Hi Blue Sun!  Is it Ok for me to ask if you have any alternative to living with your M right now?  I am only asking because for me sleep is a major thing: when my sleep gets affected, I spiral downwards pretty badly and lose my grip but perhaps this doesn't apply to you...

that's great about the therapy.  is the T good? How is your M responding?

I think I do. I mention it in the journal I just started.

Oh boy. She went for my nan. She keeps saying she feels attacked. For every ounce of relief I get from the moments they focus on helping me, it seems like it's another knife in her and I feel responsible.

[18/3/15]

18/3/15 ; Food issues below, no ED's, bu issues nonetheless.

I seem to have a knack for looking at this forum when I'm in an emotional state. But it seems to calm me down in it's way, so I wont argue.

Today I spotted this, the journal. This, I think, is more my speed. Companionship and emotional soundboarding with friends? Yes please. I'm not always good with the technicalities that seem to fill the rest of the forum and since I'm doing this alone, refusing to see a therapist (I've seen enough and I'm about 50% petulant child) I don't think I'm steady enough with knowing what's going on with my mental health for that yet. (So far, depression has been identified. I considered AVPD for a little while but now I'm not so sure. Intellectual Giftedness seems to be a given, and then there's CPTSD.)

My timing seemed pretty good. It's not long past midday and I've already broken down. It was nearly twenty hours since I'd eaten and I have issues with blood sugar at the best of times, but right now it's that time of month and I'm that much more likely to faint. I told my mum there was no food and she seemed to blame me. (Well, she doesn't eat so it must be my fault, right?) And I just broke down. On a possible bright side, though, it meant I could finally say the words to my nan. I can't be here.

It's effecting my physical and mental health, I'm missing medication doses... I think she understands now I can't live with my mum right now. No matter how much part of me wants to.

So, even with earlier, I think there's a little bit of hope?

Thanks for the link, I'll have a read through later.

And yes, I agree living with triggers is a drain on energy, I've noticed when I was living with my grandparents I was sleeping 6/7 hours a night no problems, but now I find I'm tired a few hours after waking and I could easily go back to sleep. It's an odd feeling. It wont be fair on my grandparents, but part of me hopes I can back to them when I go to college in the fall, I don't think I can manage it otherwise.

Chira, you're very welcome to use Blue Sun if you like

I've been able to pick out a few things, and thankfully we (me, her & nan) go to family counselling so it's come up there. But I think it's mostly that she's on a hair trigger and with my being the only other human in the household, her stress and pain filters down to me in ways that don't seem obvious. I've often said there's almost an aura about the house, and that I'm too empathetic for my own good.

I need to have a good explore of this place when I'm wide awake, I've never really been on a forum before!

I never know how to introduce myself, I'm sorry. So I just... jumped in? (I guess first; my username means 'blue sun' and I use it everywhere because it's so obscure. But you can call me Fawn.)

CPTSD is a very new discovery for me, but it was the kind of thing that's like walking into a wall; it was very much a "Oh God, that's me-" moment. PTSD had been mentioned with regards to me before, but I wasn't sure. In truth, I'm not entirely sure about CPTSD, eventhough it does fit me, because I can't really talk to anyone about it.

Unfortunately, part of what had me reading again was being back with my mum. I love her, but it's very much like being thrown in at the deep end trigger-wise and I'm not handling it well at all. I think she's unintentionally abused me for a very long time. I have a tendency to excuse it because she's in chronic pain, suicidal, and I'm by some standards a carer, but that doesn't mean the effects aren't there. I just... need to get to the point where I can say it to someone in my life. It's not easy.

Anyway! Even with my depression and possible CPTSD, I seem to be quite bright online and I love to talk to people. I am friendly and pretty loving. On other sites I seem to have a reputation as a sweetheart.

I can't wait to meet people on here, in the same sorts of situations. It's definitely a comfort.