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Messages - redmum

#1
Hi there, I've popped over from a thread I started as this one is specifically ASD related.

I'm surrounded by people with ASD and always have been (mum, siblings, now children, and ex husband). Empathy is real and very overwhelming for people with ASD from what I have seen, in accordance with tesscaline. For me the problem has always been that the empathy was always for other people. For my mum it is for people at work, or people she isn't very close with. For my ex-husband it was always clients or people at work. I think the safe distance allowed them to express the empathy more. I don't really know for sure, but I think I was just too close, too emotional, and too random for them to even try to understand (as it is too painful?). They also needed downtime at home, time to stop pretending to be normal. From my side though, it looked like my problems or feelings were never good enough, valid, or worth noticing. If I had known all along that they had ASD (or what that even was) then things would have been different.

The damage done by marrying someone with ASD was that it reinforced all the messages from my childhood - don't talk, be quiet, stop making a fuss, don't change your mind, don't go shopping without lists, don't have friends, certainly not in our house, and stop talking, and shh.....

Having my own son with ASD changes everything. I get to be the understanding one, and I get to teach him how to understand people, and how to SHOW that he sees them, understands, and cares. He always notices, but he just doesn't react in the way NTs do. So I teach him, step by step, how to react and talk and just be around people when they are upset or hurt. Or how what he does can hurt people. He's only 8, but he is such a sensitive guy, and is very thoughtful (wow) especially when someone is hurting. Thank goodness for diagnosis. He also knows he has ASD, and will be able to tell and guide a future partner - and not end up here like us. So regardless of my own issues, I feel like it stops here, with my generation. After the damage I can see coming from my grandma, to my mother, to my siblings, that is a good thing. There is also a ripple effect, my mum is finally seeing herself a little more clearly, and her own mother (who is 90!) and brother.

I'll have to watch the video later (kids about!) but I'm just fascinated that other people relate and to have this all be 'real' finally.
I've been found by the kids so better go, my son is fascinated by the animated emoticons.
#2
Hi all,
I am new here, but have read about. My psychiatrist has said she thinks I may have C-PTSD, and said to have a think about it until next week. I see her for my bipolar 1, depression and anxiety, possibly ADHD. She is thinking the ADHD may actually be a long term (since very early childhood) anxiety stemming from my home life. I am one of four children, and had both parents until I was 13 (then a step dad etc). I think now that my dad had bipolar 1 too, and it seems my mum, and older two siblings, have ASD. My son has been diagnosed, so I know it quite well. So I was surrounded by non-neurotypical people....!

I went on to marry a man with ASD. Now divorced. My new husband (of 4 years) is amazingly loving and kind. He thinks I'm smart and beautiful and worthy of love. I'm really finding that hard. I have three children, and can be very loving with them. My question about ridicule is because I'm really trying to see what it my childhood counts as abusive. I was spanked once, so hard I couldn't sit, for talking. That was my dad. The teacher at school hit me for talking too. I really did talk a lot. Mostly though, they didn't believe anything I said, and poke holes in everything I say - this still happens now. They will scoff and laugh, and I feel about 6 again. They are all so 'logical' and I am just an emotional talky mess, it seems. It doesn't matter what I achieve, its never ... valid. Or good enough. I have a PhD. It doesn't count either. My grades in school weren't perfect, like my older siblings, so I was the dummy. My little brother was super smart too, but at least he was nice. For some reason though, I still get treated like the dummy, I can't contribute to a conversation or debate, even if it is in my area. I guess we all have quite academic discussions when we get together, but I still get relegated to unheard and uninteresting status. As a child I got in a lot of trouble for talking, from siblings and my dad 'empty vessels make the most noise', 'engage your brain before your mouth' that kind of thing.

Anyway, I can see that lots fits, but I'm struggling because at the time I just thought everyone's family was like mine. My mum was cold, but loving at the same time. She's just very 'logical'. There were a lot more things in my teen years, but I have a feeling my psych is aiming at the younger years. Does ridicule count as a cause? Some people here have suffered so much more. I read Cat's post about being allowed to feel valid and worthy, and just cried.
Thanks.