I've tried replying to this post a few times but it's been difficult for me because I'm smack dab in the middle of distrust/jealousy *.
I can tell myself that my partner is completely reliable and trustworthy, and that the panic attacks I get when I feel unsure of where he is or who he is with are just parts of this damn disorder. And oh, there's the fact that the abuser who put me in this CPTSD-situation constantly made me question my judgment.
So it's a catch 22 -- I'm trying to learn to trust my own judgment and my own instincts again after being told (and telling myself) for 20 years that "you're just crazy if you believe any of what you're thinking" and... well, it's hard when you actually feel like what you're feeling and thinking is irrational and crazy. And then you don't know if it's the old gas lighting talking again or if you actually are picking up on something that's "off."
And then there's the part where you want to have an honest relationship but where you on the other hand feel so crazy for being jealous and distrusting that you worry that you may cause a breakup of your relationship by voicing your feelings (which you're just learning to give voice to).
I swear there are days I feel like recovery ought to happen on a deserted island where I can't hurt anyone else in the process.
I can tell myself that my partner is completely reliable and trustworthy, and that the panic attacks I get when I feel unsure of where he is or who he is with are just parts of this damn disorder. And oh, there's the fact that the abuser who put me in this CPTSD-situation constantly made me question my judgment.
So it's a catch 22 -- I'm trying to learn to trust my own judgment and my own instincts again after being told (and telling myself) for 20 years that "you're just crazy if you believe any of what you're thinking" and... well, it's hard when you actually feel like what you're feeling and thinking is irrational and crazy. And then you don't know if it's the old gas lighting talking again or if you actually are picking up on something that's "off."
And then there's the part where you want to have an honest relationship but where you on the other hand feel so crazy for being jealous and distrusting that you worry that you may cause a breakup of your relationship by voicing your feelings (which you're just learning to give voice to).
I swear there are days I feel like recovery ought to happen on a deserted island where I can't hurt anyone else in the process.