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I've tried replying to this post a few times but it's been difficult for me because I'm smack dab in the middle of distrust/jealousy *.

I can tell myself that my partner is completely reliable and trustworthy, and that the panic attacks I get when I feel unsure of where he is or who he is with are just parts of this damn disorder. And oh, there's the fact that the abuser who put me in this CPTSD-situation constantly made me question my judgment.

So it's a catch 22 -- I'm trying to learn to trust my own judgment and my own instincts again after being told (and telling myself) for 20 years that "you're just crazy if you believe any of what you're thinking" and... well, it's hard when you actually feel like what you're feeling and thinking is irrational and crazy. And then you don't know if it's the old gas lighting talking again or if you actually are picking up on something that's "off."

And then there's the part where you want to have an honest relationship but where you on the other hand feel so crazy for being jealous and distrusting that you worry that you may cause a breakup of your relationship by voicing your feelings (which you're just learning to give voice to).

I swear there are days I feel like recovery ought to happen on a deserted island where I can't hurt anyone else in the process.

Thank you for this thread. I'm wondering a lot, too.
My husband is incredibly supportive, sensitive, and focused on giving me what I need.
But right now, I don't know what I need most of the time. And that is frustrating to him. He's trying so hard, and as so often when you're trying really hard... it all comes out wrong.

None of us are simple beings; my situation is that I'm in addition to CPTSD battling a bad case of codependence, so when my husband gets frustrated with not being able to give me what I need, I have a hard time not taking responsibility for his feelings as well... which means I don't tell him how I'm feeling because I'm more afraid to frustrate him (and by extension, to lose him) than I am about keeping my feelings to myself -- after all, I've done that for all my life and I know how to do that...

And I'm glad to hear from "the other side" because I honestly would rather be me than my husband right now. I told him I think it's kind of like childbirth -- I know exactly how much pain I'm in even if I have no idea how to make it ease up, but that to me sounds like a better deal than sitting on the sidelines and feeling helpless and whatever you try to do, your spouse tells you it's wrong... (that's my situation, the way I see it, not commenting on anyone else's).

It is damn hard, though, to fight your own fight AND try to help your SO understand what is going on when YOU don't understand what's going on most of the time.

I'm a newcomer here, please remove if it's inappropriate for me to post a link here.
This is a long involved scholarly article (seems some Dutch involved here, too) that totally opened my eyes and explained to me some of what's been going on with me. Extension of dissociation and explanation of biochemistry/physiology behind dissociation.  http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/nijenhuis-2004.php

Hey -- I just found the site tonight and your post struck me because I recognize quite a bit of what you're talking about.

in this case the sheer terror/panic has only let up for hours at a time in the past month

Same here. I've done a LOT of breathing exercises in addition to medication while waiting to get in with a therapist. (Still waiting. And it's been a month.)

If anyone was in this much physical pain they'd be rushed to the hospital and get so much attention and care and empathy and support... but I can live in a screaming agony for a month... and no one understands. There's nothing to be done it seems and that's agony.

You know, I was writing something similar in my journal today. About how when people have a headache, there's OTC medication and people empathize and send you home from work and share their old wives' tale cures... but what if it's your soul that hurts?

I know that feeling of loneliness and hopelessness when you're feeling "crazy" and nobody understands... but you know, you're not alone. And it's not hopeless. Even on the days when it feels like it is. I talk to myself a lot (because at least I don't judge me) and one of the things I've been saying a lot lately is "remember that right now, you're seeing reality in a very creepy funhouse mirror. This is not what reality looks like; this is not what reality looked like a month ago to you; and you will get to a point again when reality doesn't look this freaky and scary."

Because I think I need to hear that. As a friend of mine likes to say -- don't believe everything you think.

Gentle hugs, if you need and want them.

And of course, the official Dx is NOT C-PTSD but just PTSD. But you got that.

which is not a surprise to me, given that my kids have the same Dx and have all been in treatment for a while.

For me, the trauma situation was an increasingly abusive marriage that lasted two decades. I'm out of it and functioning, but a month ago had a whopper of a flashback that I haven't been able to recover from. I'm still learning the proper terminology, still learning about C-PTSD, and I'm hoping to find a community here that has knowledge and information and that can also make me feel like "I may be odd but these people get me."

Because that's the hardest part for me right now. Feeling so alone in how I can't seem to integrate my rational functioning going to work 40 hours a week and taking care of the family part and my emotional train wreck falling apart being totally irrational scared of everything part.

I am remarried to an amazing man, but right now, he doesn't get me. At. All. We've been friends for forever, he knows me inside and out, but right now, he doesn't understand me and steps in it and hurts me without meaning to on a daily basis. And that's scaring me. Maybe more than anything else. Because he's a keeper, this one, and I don't want to scare him away.