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This is something I have thought about a lot.  My partner struggles with how long I have been in therapy and often says to me that he feels there is a point where you have to stop being the victim and just move on.  He was physically abused by his mother as a child and struggled with depression.  He had 2 years of therapy and decided no more.  He says he has got to a point where he is ok and I completely respect that decision (although I have been known to tell him eff off).

My view is that I agree that you have to take responsibility for your own life -  but I believe by following this path that is what I am doing. If I stay in the present, ignoring and repressing what has happened to me then my unconscious will dictate my actions. My repressed anger will colour my relationships, my social anxiety will restrict me making new ones.  Am I not then a victim? I believe that awareness is choice. I need to identify what happened to me and grieve. Then I can choose how I act in the future. As to how long it takes - it took 20 years of daily abuse to make me who I am, who knows how long it will take to recover.

Having said all that I do feel mindfulness is a powerful tool especially against rumination, but just not in isolation. My experience of CBT has not been good, I find it triggers me badly in terms of 'getting things wrong'.

I hope I've got the right end of the stick with this thread - just re - read and now I'm not sure. Please do put me right if I've missed the point.

Thanks Recovery - I'm really hoping to fit in here

Hi littlepalm

Welcome to the forum.  I am new here myself but have already found it a supportive place to be.  Your loneliness and isolation strikes a chord with me 

Reaching out is hard to do but important I think. I second the Pete Walker suggestion.

I agree - I cannot feel compassion for what led to my mother's actions and anger at the same time.  In fact I'm pretty sure that this dynamic is what caused me to be stuck in denial for so many years.  She had such a terrible life that I couldn't see that she is responsible for how I am.  It had to be down to someone else (her parents, my father, me).  But I believe now that I need to process all of my anger and pain before I can feel compassionate towards her.  Maybe one day I will but maybe not.  I understand where your T is coming from and that it helped her to see that it wasn't her fault.  But I know now it wasn't my fault and I want to redirect all the anger I have been giving to myself to where it belongs.  I don't want to confront my mum (she's got NPD - it wouldn't make any difference anyway) but I want to feel it, genuinely feel it. 

It sounds to me like you have a very good handle on where you are and a great relationship with your T so that you can talk to her about what works for you and what doesn't. I hope it goes well on sat.

It's as if when I think about her and try to get angry, the anger just evaporates.

I am working on it too.  Intellectually I know that I learnt quickly when I was a baby that to feel angry with my mum was a dangerous thing to do.  But that translates into a weird emptiness when I try to direct legitimate anger towards her.  I can get angry with my son for stupid stuff but I can't get angry with her for the neglect and the abuse.  And I really want to.  Grief I can do but anger no.  Good luck with your work and please share your progress.  It's really helpful to me to find others struggling with the same issues.  It is such a long and tortuous process.

Stella - your T sounds like a smart lady to me.

Oh she most definitely is - I am so lucky to have found her.  I am resistant to hearing this because I find it easier to be angry with myself than compassionate and I find it really hard to be angry at my mother.  I want to be angry with her but end up being angry with myself. 

I've had some success with Pete Walker's idea of angering at the critic. When I realise she's going off on one I say 'Shut the f*** up, you don't get to speak to me that way anymore'.  It works quite well for me and I guess is based around the idea that the IC is my internalised mother.

But my therapist doesn't agree - she thinks my IC is my toddler self trying to protect me and so should be listened to and guided into different behaviour rather as you would teach a toddler how to behave. She feels that to bring yet more anger into the mix means all my inner dialogue is just more of the same.  Not sure what I think about this.

Thanks for the warm welcome.  I am pretty scared about posting.  I am not great at letting myself be vulnerable and trust is most definitely an issue.  I do trust my therapist - she is brilliant, but that has only, truly happened in the the last two years of our five year relationship.  I spent an awful lot of time saying she wouldn't be there if it wasn't for the money.  I don't trust anyone else though.  I have very few friends and although I love my partner, I don't trust him.  Not in the going through his texts kind of a way but in a sharing my true self kind of a way.  So I guess I'm looking for some people who understand all of this - does that make sense?

Hi everyone

I'm 42 and from the UK.   

I was emotionally abused and neglected throughout my childhood by my uNPD mother and my alcoholic father.  My father died last year and I have limited contact with my mother now.  I've been in therapy for years and am very slowly getting there I think. Reading Pete Walker 6 months ago was a huge turning point and helped me to recognise the extent of the trauma I went through and its unrelenting nature.  It was the concept of being trapped and unable to get away that helped me to see where I was and where I am.

I've been lurking for a few months and hope now that I am brave enough to post.

Stella