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I'm actively looking too. And actively looking for healthy role models, people who have grace & confidence as they go about their social interactions. It's taking a lot of looking, much persistence & dead-ends but I am finding them. Imo these are the cool people, somewhat rare & in demand. Just 'cos I find them doesn't mean we will be close friends, may be that I just get to spend time with them in a group so I'm grateful for that. It's nice to have them in the mix, kinda takes the pressure off me, their energy is so warm & strong.

I have to make an effort to be calm myself. Feeling desperate or just impatient, quickly comes across and is off-putting.

Flutterbye, what you are saying makes a lot of sense to me.  Yes, it is so great to focus on finding those sorts of empathetic and gracious people and to have that kind of warm and strong energy nearby.  It is hard for me not to want to crawl into the lap of someone like that (ooooooops!)  But I'm trying to be just aware and accepting of those feelings without acting on them.

I also hear your worry about not wanting to send off desperate vibes.  I so understasnd that.  I have to tread carefully with this impulse of mine, so as not to  tip into self-hatred, vicious self-policing, catastrophizing.  And yet of course I want to attend to my behavior too.  Sigh....

Step by step we're moving in the right direction.   

take care,
steadybowl

Happy Awareness, Dutch Uncle!!!!   

Dear artemis23 - I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I have my own pet narcissists too.  Ouch do their bites hurt!!!!! Sigh

Sending you lots of good thoughts to help you set the boundaries you need to set.  Also wishing you care and  affection from other places (especially from yourself to your inner child)

take care,
Steadybowl

Hmmmm, not sure if I should say "Happy Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day?!"


I love this board.  Where else would I find out about key info like this!!!!

Much love to all of you

flutterbye,

I have to believe we will both have supportive and solid friends someday!   

We are paying attention, we are committed to recovery, we are on the right path.

I've been in a lot of abusive relationships and what they all had in common was that they didn't take time.  There was far too much quasi-intimacy and quasi-attachment far too fast.  I'm finding making friends to be a painfully slow process but I'm kind of grateful, though it feels lonely, because I see things going too fast to be a red flag nowadays.

radical,
I completely identify with this statement.  I so appreciate this and all the wisdom you've shared here.  It's hard to hear that you have learned this the hard way.  I congratulate all your bold self loving and removing yourself from those situations!

flutterbye, aside from echoing the wisdom shared above, I'd also like to add that my therapist has given me the homework of seeking out "emotionally generous people."  These are the kind of people that smile when they see you, reach out a hand to include someone on the outside, give compliments freely, and are basically warm fuzzy and welcoming most of the time.  I am a little too good at excusing the behavior of people who are kind of cold fish.  Although they may also be lovely folks to know and have many redeeming qualities, that is not what I am looking for at this stage, I am a little too easily drawn into all kinds of not-so-great-for-me responses when faced with people who don't give out much.

I'm actively looking for generous actions and trying to focus my energy and attention on those people.  I have learned a lot just changing my focus to look at actions.  radical's focus on the "immediate quasi-intimacy" as a red flag is another great way to focus on behavior rather than falling in with the folks who feel familiar to me (sometimes for all the wrong FOO reasons!)

take care all,
steadybowl

Dear flowerofthewoods,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.   Big hugs to you. So awful.  So not fair.

I too have some weird unresolved, not consciously remembered issues around sex. My body tells me something loud and clear, but as far as memory?  Very little, very vague.  I have spent lots of time trying to remember.  Not a fun project and hasn't been very helpful to me - just brought up lots of worrying, shame, feelings of being worthless, weird almost flashbacks.

For me, it's been more helpful to focus on me and not try to dig up unremembered trauma.  Kind of as a variation on inner child stuff, I've gone over and over bad sexual experiences in my teens and replaced them with a fantasy, another version of myself, being the perfect partner for myself at that time in my life. Guess what, the perfect partner then (and now) isn't about sex - it's about closeness, consent, tenderness, physical touch, unconditional attention and loving without sex as a payment to pay for that affection.  And it is also about being desired, playing with that sexual energy, enjoying it.   Most of all, it's about me not getting so wrapped up in whether the other person is enjoying it and staying with myself and what I want/don't want.

Along with the healing fantasies and related, it's about how do I touch myself and bring pleasure to my own body.  Sharing with my spouse comes second (not that that was going all that well anyway!).

I like the author Betty Dodson who insists that our most important sexual relationship is with ourselves.  She also gives some pretty frank and practical advice, i.e. tells women to focus on the clitoris and use a good lubricant with yourself like almond oil.  Penetration is just not where it's at for many women.  Certainly your body seems to be telling you that loud and clear.  There are so many other ways to be with yourself or someone else.

Take care of you!  Sending gentle thoughts,

steadybowl

I don't know if you guys feel this.. the other side of the coin for me is feeling nothing around people or by myself. It's such a relief to end that in-love obsessive longing but it's kinda my all-or-nothing way of relating to people & attachment to people. Most other interactions can feel similar to nothing.. I don't know if that's relatively healthy or more like depression and numbness.

Yes, I understand and feel that.  For me the "falling in love" object seems to be giving me something I desperately lack, where other interactions just don't have that sparkle and pizazz.  But wow am I vulnerable around that person I think I've fallen for.  I just don't seem to have my adult judgment - that neediness crowds out anything else.

Grieving my friend (who is still right here, just not wiling to talk all the time, not able to provide that daily/hourly support I crave) really does feel like grieving something I'll never have, mourning the loss of the childhood that never was.  I'm trying to be tender with that little kid self while at the same time trying not to act like a fool on the outside.

I'm also trying to open my eyes to what other friends can bring. (You know, those faithful people  I don't feel super close to but who have continued wanting to take walks, have lunch, catch up while I've been obsessing about just one friend).

When I'm actively tending that little kid, I can appreciate what ordinary friends bring..... gentle caring, steadiness, a friendly ear.  So much less than the "falling in love" bliss, but perhaps a lot more reliable.

take care all,
steadybowl

Dear arpy1 and mourningdove -

A million grateful thanks for your thoughtful replies. It is a little overwhelming for me to be on this board and read the pain here.  And yet I hear your wisdom and kindness shining through as well.  Thank you.

i guess i try nowadays to stand with myself when i get these feelings and not to give in so much to the temptation to panic and run headlong into my fear or my shame or my humiliation. just because i feel these intense feelings doesn't mean i am bad or sick or stupid - but nor am i obliged to act out on them. i can just hold them in my hand, look and say 'oh s**t, there i go again' - and it somehow helps to ease the pain and the intensity

arpy1 this is amazing - standing with yourself, just noting "oh s**t, there I go again".  I feel like I know you and I have stood in those same shoes.  I have not read the Pete Walker book yet but I am anxiously awaiting its arrival in the mail. 

mourningdove it was so generous of you to respond and leave that post up even though it brought shame feelings.  Thank you.  What you said about the child parts of ourselves and that little kids DO have the right to expect attention and care 24/7 - so true.

Many many thanks to you both - sending gentle positive energy to you both

- steadybowl

Thanks so much to Kizzie and to Dutch Uncle for the warm welcomes and for all the work you do maintaining the board - I can see you do a lot here!!!

I look forward to getting to know you

[know]

Hello all -

So, I know it's "normal" to have "falling in love" feelings for your therapist.  After years of mediocre therapists I found a really great one 2 years ago.  And yep, sure enough I felt totally in love.  Head over heels.  I was "sure" that we should quit the therapy-client relationship and be lovers.  I am a lesbian, she is hetero and 20 years older, I have a long term partner and kids but surely it would work out, right?  Ahhh, no.

Sigh......  She has been very caring and patient with me.  I was totally humiliated by the depth of my flight from reality but I am getting through it.

After that, with my T's support, I made a friend.  A good friend, first really good friend/confidante I've had in 15 years.  And....Boom!  Major feelings of "falling in love." I was pretty convinced it was not "real" just another kind of transference.  Got through it.  Came to senses.  Now I come to find that there is something worse under that false romantic glow.  It's a little kid type of attachment.  I want to run to her every time something hard happens, be listened to and validated. 

Ultimately I want her to help me get through the day, to be available all the time.  And...that is NOT her responsibility!  I know that intellectually. Emotionally though I can't get there.  Roller coaster by the hour, vacillating between "she hates me this is over, I am flawed, no one will ever care for me" and "gosh I wouldn't want her to feel like I am ignoring her maybe I should send a reassuring text." Oh my.

My friend is no longer wiling to chat every day, and says that's because this is now maintenance of friendship and not new friendship.  She wants to have a "less intense" friendship.She is  still very compassionate and caring but I am having the toughest time with this.  I feel crazy and out of control on the inside.  On the outside I am managing to hyper down but wow is it hard. Urgh.

Have you been through this?  Would love to hear from someone who can relate. My therapist thinks I will get better at having friends.  I am torn between  fear and wanting support.   It would sure be nice to be able to spread my intensity out so as not to lean so hard on one person. But  I'm sure to go through this horrible roller coaster of "falling in love" and feeling like the most unlovable, shameful, flawed being ever.   

take care,
steadybowl

Hello there -

this is my first post to this board.  What a great resource - I am so happy to have found this place.

I have been healing for a long time without knowing what exactly I was healing from. I  finally found a great therapist about 2 years ago.  It's so great to have a name for my experience - complex PTSD.  It feels for the first time that this is something I have, something I am going through.  It's not actually ME. 

The term "emotional flashback" is another eye opener.  What a relief to know that I'm not intermittently crazy.  Instead I am going through experiences (emotional flashbacks) that are an understandable response to the type of childhood trauma I experienced.  Amazing.  I am so grateful.

Has anyone else experienced a nutritional component to their CPTSD?  If i don't watch my diet carefully, my blood sugar is not stable.  It's not dramatic enough to be diagnosed as hypoglycemia or diabetes, but there is definitely something physical going on.  For me, falling blood sugar is a trigger that causes emotional flashbacks.  After many years of trial and error, I  found out how to manage my food.  Then I was solid enough to do the therapy work. 

Looking forward to getting to know folks here. 

Take care,
steadybowl