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I'm so happy for you! 

Today I got a letter saying the Family-day is cancelled.      & 

Dad wrote some more than just that, but as he wrote in the opening sentence: "This letter may appear to deal with the family-day, but in reality it's about me."
Which I like, as at least this may be an opening to get out of the family-enmeshment.

Not that I expect me and my uAsperger'sDad/enablerDad to have a cuddly-snugly-cozy relationship at any point, but I'm happy my announced absence has not blown up in my face.

First impression overall: 

Another hoover survived. 


Oh, and I almost forgot the most important part: My boundaries are holding, despite the onslaught, either frontal or by flanking maneuvering via the Flying Monkeys.

[very short]

Hi narcfree2016,

as I'm in the process myself of distancing myself from my FOO I can relate to you needing getting this of your chest.

It is a hoover... and I understand your intention of not responding. 

FWIW, I wouldn't either.


I'm not sure if you want a reply and/or reflection from me (or others) so I will put it in a color that is hard to read. Highlight/selct the text if you want to read, if you don't want to read, just skip it:
EnablerSis is pulling a couple of 'fast ones'.
You wrote: "In the first paragraph, she states that it is none of her business, then asks me to explain myself."
Indeed. Well spotted.
Also:
- If GC sis wants to invite you for her wedding, that's GC sis' business. But I guess that's what makes her EnablerSis.
- "I'm not going to tell you about the baby-news". Ehrrmmm, you just did, enSis!

You also wrote: "Ultimately I requested no contact with my family at the beginning, and did not give a reason, because all the research that I did supported this."
I did much the same. I didn't explain to my uHPDmom and uHPDsis (I didn't even specifically told them I went NC, so effectively I went very Low Contact), but told my enDad and Bro I would be practically NC with Sis. I too had read that explaining why would do no good, especially as far as the narcs are concerned. I kept my explaining to Bro and Dad very short and made it clear it was not up for discussion.
That did not prevent them from acting as Flying Monkeys though. My gut feeling says enSis is tricked into proxy recruitment as well, either out of her own Fear, Obligation, Guilt or more directly by GCsis and/or Nmom.
Whatever the case, the source of her current behavior doesn't matter much as far as your (non)reaction is concerned, IMHO.

Your boundaries have been busted, and a few times in one go, it seems to me.
The way enSis phrases it, it's like they are tiny boundary violations. Little prods. "Plausible deniability". But they are violations nonetheless.

In my personal experience I have always found it very hard to decide what to do with letters/contact like this, and it has been very helpful to "get it of my chest" here as well. I've had some great support from other members, whatever I decided 'what to do'.

One thing that has helped me personally the most is: Don't respond hastily, take whatever time you need. If you respond at all that is.
I've written many drafts, but hardly ever send anything. Writing it up did help me, as it re-affirmed my NC, again I saw clearly why I went NC. And I realized, again, how futile it would be to tell my mom and sis. Mostly because they both know very well why I'm NC, even while they claim to enDad and Bro they don't.
But of course they would 'play dumb' to them, otherwise they would have to own up, and that is not something they are willing or capable of doing.

I'm now a bit over one year NC and the hoovers keep coming. I'm sorry to have to tell you the bad news, but this is common, I've come to understand. I hope you'll fare better.
Feel free to post your hoovers here. Most of us have gone through this difficult process.
Stay your course, and what that course is at any point is in time: only you can tell. But by sharing these hoovers, you don't have to go through this process alone.

big hug.

Thank you for your support.

Received the following letter from ESIS yesterday.  Did not go to my spam - she must have used an email address I am unfamiliar with.

Hi,

Just wanted to touch base with you on a few items.  I've been respecting your request for no family communication.  I'm not sure why, and feel that it is none of my business unless you want to share this info with me.  I know that the last time we spoke, you were focused on making positive changes in your life, and I want to let you know that I support any decisions you that you make, however difficult for our family to accept. I'm also not sure if I specifically have contributed to this decision, and I would appreciate you letting me know if I've done anything that has caused you to take this action, so that I can make changes going forward to respect your feelings.

The real reason I am reaching out is because we have a few family events on the horizon. I assume that you will not be attending x's wedding.  I know that she would love to have you there, but will respect your decision either way.  She's managed to keep the guest list very small, with only a handful of family, and none of mom's family in attendance. I will also keep baby news to myself unless I hear from you otherwise.

Anyway, I will go back to radio silence as I know that is your wish.  Just know that I love you very much and hope that you are working your way to finding peace and happiness.

Love

X


My thoughts:

I have no intention of responding, because she may have written this letter of out of her own instinct or it may be a request originating from my mother or sister (leaning towards sister in this case).  There is no emotionally safe way of determining this without the risk of exposing myself to my toxic malignant covert nmom.

Ultimately I requested no contact with my family at the beginning, and did not give a reason, because all the research that I did supported this.  In the first paragraph, she states that it is none of her business, then asks me to explain myself.

Also, she mentions that GC sister will respect the fact that I will not attend her wedding.  This comment shows that she completely fails to understand GC sis, or she is being less than candid with me.  Neither option is impressing me right now. 

She mentions that none of Mom's family is attending the wedding.  My mother has a habit of airing various family members secrets to her immediate family in an attempt to garner sympathy for how difficult her plight is.  Even before Christmas of last year, when l last I spoke to my parents, she went too far (revealing one of my father's secrets), and my father has been dismayed.  Not to the point of doing anything about it, though.

Had to get that off my chest. 

I did get the job - my new boss is really sketchy though.

Will you have to deal a lot with the boss personally?
Trust your gut and if it starts to become too unpleasant, look out for other jobs perhaps?
But for now, congrats on a 'job' well done, and enjoy the employment you so much needed. Every success counts! Yay you!  :you rock:
Pocket the money!

Thank you.   

I will report directly to the boss.  However, if he touches me inappropriately he risks losing his hand.

My first reaction is: what a strange question. Inappropriate even. I can't see how your relationship with(in) your FOO could have anything to do with the job. Possible caveat: you're applying for a job as family-therapist, adoption-agency or something. (but even then. *? Professional standards please: no personal circumstances should come into play there either)

Any thoughts on how to handle this (God forbid) that it comes up in the future?

My gut reaction is I hope I'll have the courage to say: "My FOO is none of your, nor this job's interview business."
But I think your "We are not close" is an excellent answer as well. And if they keep prying on the 'why'/'how come' something like: "Good question, I haven't got a clue" might even be a truthful answer, right?

I hope you'll get the job you really need. :fingers crossed:

I did get the job - my new boss is really sketchy though.

Wow, that is really invasive and possibly illegal in your state. I don't think employers can ask about family. I wouldn't take a job with a company that asked me that during an interview. It borders on the now definitely illegal question they used to ask women, "When are you planning to start a family?"

You could, in self defence, ask why they need to know. It may even be the opposite of what you think. They may actually prefer someone NOT close to family. We're easier to exploit to work on holidays and for overtime. Those of us in NC, don't ask to leave for Christmas and Easter holidays a week early to fly home to see our parents!

But ultimately, I would be cautious about working with a company who allows such personal questions. It can only get worse.

I would agree with this...however I have gone through two layoffs in the last four years, and had to take the job anyway.  I am fairly certain that the owner (my new boss) is a narcissist- he stands a bit too close for my liking.  His new thing is that he wants me to 'text' him any time I have work-related questions.  Not falling for it.   

So my covert narc mom sent me a sappy-sweet email last week.  I blocked her months ago, but I routinely go through my spam and open emails from her, but don't reply.

In all honesty, the last email she sent was practically sociopathic in its fake niceness.  Literally no one else in my family is speaking to me right now, except for the one person I don't want to hear from.  My head nearly exploded (figuratively).

Having dealt with narcs on several occasions, I have to say that when they turn everyone against you, and then continue to contact you as if they are completely "innocent", this is my least favorite part.  I had a narc friend that I took three years to completely get out of my life.  She sent me emails on birthday, even though I never responded. 

However, I need to not read my spam.  In a sense, I kind of triggered myself by doing this. 

Thank you so much for your support. 

I did manage to obtain some work, just in the nick of time.  It is not less triggering (I feel like the contemporary workplace is rife with personality-disordered individuals), but it will enable me to not go broke, at least for the time being (every little bit helps).  There is of course no guarantee they will pay me on time, but what can you do?

It is hard to do it alone.  I was scapegoated in my support group (unfortunately) by an extremely clever covert narcissist.  Fortunately my own mother is a narc of this type, so I literally picked up on it after only one meeting - and opted not to go back, as I was being triggered constantly.  I feel like that guy from the "the Sixth sense", except that I don't see dead people, just malignant covert "nice" narcs.  The major issue with my particular CODA meeting was that the moderator was not a recovered Codependent.  Apparently this is something that happens fairly often.  I actually found the perfect CBT therapist, but it is just too expensive for the time being.

I recently watched the new movie "Miracles from Heaven", and while I feel very ambivalent about organized religion at this point, I liked the point that Jennifer Garner made, a great quote from Einstein (a fellow INTJ) which was something to the effect of we could treat nothing as if it's a miracle or everything as if it were a miracle.  So I guess at least for me, at this point, the only thing that is keeping me going is the belief that if I give my absolute best consistently and long enough that I might get the occasional miracle.

Certainly I have had a few.  There is no purely logical reason why I should still be standing at this point.  And if there was no God, then I would just be alone.  So I choose to believe in God, 'cause other than myself, I really don't have anyone else I can count on.  I feel like it's working OK for me, and it's certainly better than the alternative.

Keep on truckin'.  May the force be with you. 

My first reaction is: what a strange question. Inappropriate even. I can't see how your relationship with(in) your FOO could have anything to do with the job. Possible caveat: you're applying for a job as family-therapist, adoption-agency or something. (but even then. *? Professional standards please: no personal circumstances should come into play there either)

Any thoughts on how to handle this (God forbid) that it comes up in the future?

My gut reaction is I hope I'll have the courage to say: "My FOO is none of your, nor this job's interview business."
But I think your "We are not close" is an excellent answer as well. And if they keep prying on the 'why'/'how come' something like: "Good question, I haven't got a clue" might even be a truthful answer, right?

I hope you'll get the job you really need. :fingers crossed:

Thank you

So I have major anxiety re: job interviews, and today, out of blue, the interviewer asked me questions about my FOO.  I recovered quickly (and lied) of course, but it threw me for a loop.

I would love to be able to say, "We are not close," but I got the distinct sense that it would be a black mark against me and I really need this job.

Any thoughts on how to handle this (God forbid) that it comes up in the future?

Thank you so much for your support.

At this point I would not like to reestablish contact with my other two sisters.  They passed on info about my life to my Mother, which could be potentially harmful to me, and when I explained how I felt to the sister I was closest to, she told me that she was overreacting.  So I don't trust them.  I just miss what I thought we had.

Sometimes I feel as if I dislike enablers more than narcissists.  They should know better, and without them, no narcissist could do what they do.

I went NC with my covert NM at Christmas.   We had been at very LC, with my mother viciously attacking me behind my back.

I had been close to one of my sisters, also a SG, and she basically told everyone about the fact that I was convinced Mom was a narcissist and the fact that I was attending CODA.

I responded by blocking every single member of my family on social media - as a result, the only two of my sisters that are not narcs have stopped speaking to me.

I feel somehow I got off easy (I felt like my NM would be more vindictive).  Also very excited about missing the GC's wedding, which would have been rife with drama.   However, since I no longer have any friends and can't afford a therapist,  I feel so alone. 

I would love to hear from someone who survived C-PTSD without family, friends, or a job. 

Thank you

I have been on and off Welfare for a little over a year.  I am having trouble staying employed, due to severe C-PTSD and social anxiety.  I am barely scraping by.  Aside from my financial difficulties, which are severe, I don't have any friends left.  (The friends I had were all covert narcissists, like my NM, so I am still better off, I think.)

I went NC with my NM and family of origin about three months ago, and have been dealing with the grief, which is unbearable.

I can't afford CBT (or any therapist) for that matter.

Has anyone here survived narcissistic abuse without money or relationships?  Is it even possible?  I have been meditating for about two hours a day (one hour in the morning in one at night).  It's really just helping me to survive.

I have been considering stripping. (Not a joke.)