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it's like Little Tea can sense that, and feels a bit of ease and slight happiness, and I feel happy caring for her. because it's my choice, and for once I'm aware of my duty to her. and that's good and that's OK for me now

This is so lovely and such a wonderful goal.  I, too, am appreciative of the link you provided ... thank you so much!

For about a month now I've been attending ACA (in Canada, or maybe new name?).  I've done two weeks of the ACA 12 Steps Workbook in a zoom group setting, which will run until sometime in the summer.  I've also signed up for "Ready, Set, Go", a multi-week face-to-face meeting that covers the 12 steps and also the Loving Parent work ... it's more of an introduction.  I'm very hopeful with this program.

I felt that at this time in my life, I needed to step out of isolation, and thought this might be the best way to approach it.

 

I have only recently found out about ACA.  I've been to a few online "beginner" meetings and in person as well.  Yesterday I started participation in a yellow book 12 steps study group online.  I'm so glad to see your post.  I'm very hopeful.

  

Welcome, Chart.  I'm glad you found us.  I'm sorry you had the experiences you did, but there is hope.  This is a supportive group of people who really understand what it's like.

 

Thank you, Kizzie.  I really appreciate your feedback.  Yes, I wondered if his bad relationship with his sister didn't help.  So far, I am keeping in touch by text.   

I am in the middle of reading this book, and I think it really helps us to understand the therapy process.

PaperDoll, beautiful prose.  I, too, am glad the little mouse finally found a good home.

Welcome, supaduece.  You're in a very good place with lots of people who understand what you've been through / are going through.  I find it comforting to know there are people who understand and care.  I, too, had never wanted to pass this along, which is why I chose to not have kids.  I'm glad you did, and they will definitely benefit from YOU.

 

Welcome, vitamind3000.  You are in a good place.

I think the CAMH website has been updated.  The link is now https://www.camh.ca/en/science-and-research/institutes-and-centres/cundill-centre-for-child-and-youth-depression/childhood-trauma-toolkit.

FYI.

Thanks for your feedback, Blueberry.

You're right about the 3 C's ... I'll take a look at the OOTF website as well.

Thanks for the suggestion of the Letters of Recovery.  Might be useful for me.

And your observation about British sarcasm:  "Anything to not feel."  Bingo.  I was always told I was too sensitive, etc.  Since then, I have recognized that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (Dr. Elaine Aaron https://hsperson.com) which made things worse.  Or did the CPTSD bring about the high sensitivity?? Doesn't really matter.  It is what it is.

Thank you very much for your kind thoughts and helpfulness.  Much appreciated.

... I think some of my angst is that I wanted to find a family member that I connected to in a healthy way, but am beginning to think that this might not be possible.  Makes me feel sad and isolated.

 

(This will be rather long, I'm afraid!)

I recently was given an expense paid trip to Thailand to visit my cousin for a month.  A trip of a lifetime, extremely generous and not expected.  How lucky!

Some background:  My cousin has retired to Thailand.  He is 4 years my junior and is divorced, no kids.  His Dad and my Dad were close brothers.  My Dad and I had a difficult relationship, and I really loved his Dad.  My cousin really loved my Dad (and his).  My cousin had a very difficult relationship with his sister.  My Dad passed away when I was 30, and my cousin's Dad passed away 2 years later.  They were all living in Scotland, while Dad and I were in Canada.  My cousin has always thought of me as the "sister he never had".  I am single with no kids.  My cousin and I are in constant contact with social networking.

The first thing that caught me off guard was that his language is very sarcastic, a trait I was reminded my father had, and not one that I had ever liked.  (It's very British, and to me, smart-assy and cold.)  This didn't show up in our social networking exchanges.  However, I jumped back into it regardless and honed my skills.  But I wasn't really happy about it.

He also at times just ignored me when I was speaking, looking at his phone.  This REALLY reminded me of Dad;  I used to say that talking to Dad was the same as talking to the wall.  And I had a recurring nightmare about this as well in my youth.  Sometimes I would raise my voice to get my cousin's attention, and sometimes I just couldn't be bothered.

I had had a bad fall on the way to the airport before I left with my forehead bashing into the sidewalk pavement, initially causing a huge lump, and over time, very bad bruising around my eyes.  I have also had a concussion in the past, and was prone to falling/not being steady on my feet.  We went for a walk along the beach but the tide was quite high and I was very nervous about my balance.  I let my cousin know this.  He went off walking way ahead of me and not checking back to see if I was alright.  He wouldn't have been there for me if I had gotten in trouble.  This type of thing happened on another occasion as well.  I felt very invisible.

For my cousin, his sister (now deceased) always used to blame him for everything.  What I knew of her, I'm certain she had an undiagnosed mental illness of some sort and was very narcissistic.  She was very difficult with everyone.

So here we were, together for a month, and I think both being triggered in different ways.  We talked about mental health therapy once.  He seems to be of the opinion that therapy is all about blaming your parents for your problems.  I said that it's not about blaming your parents, but understanding the dynamics and having someone who gives you a different view of the situation and provides new information for you to consider.  It's about learning something new and seeing things from another perspective.  We didn't talk any more about it.

I would like to write to him about this, but I'm really not sure if I should.  I know he would like me to visit again, so another approach is just to forget about it for now, and perhaps try to have a more honest discussion with him at that time.  However, I would really like to have a different relationship with him if possible.

There ... it's out there.

Thank you, everyone, for your warm welcome.  After reading several posts, I feel that this is a warm, supportive place, and I'm grateful to have people here who understand what having CPTSD is all about.  At this point in my life, I now have supportive friends who care a lot about me, but I feel that they wouldn't really understand my issues.  I don't think I'm just not giving them credit ... I think that unless you've been there, you can't really understand it.  And I'm also grateful that there are many people here who have been working on this all their life as well.  When I was in my late teens and first started therapy (and in those days there was no CPTSD), I figured I'd be "cured" in a few years and just needed to hang in there.  A lifetime later and I've accepted that it's an ongoing process, and will be with me forever.  I made the best progress working with a therapist who specialized in CPTSD (the one who has retired), so I know that there's something to this.

"Heartly" is the name of the most wonderful cat I ever had (and will EVER have).  We shared 14 years together until he passed in 2022 from cancer.  He was so loving and curious about life.  He was a white and gray cat, and when he slept, his grey markings went into the shape of a heart. So it's my way of bringing him along on my journey.

I am in my 68th year and have been recovering from cptsd all my life, predominantly with therapy.  My last therapist specialized in cptsd, and I got the most benefit out of this relationship.  She has retired.  Recently, I've been retriggered, and I also recognize that there is more work I can do.  I found and joined the cpstdfoundation.org in the US where I saw people who knew what I was talking about.  Today, I found this group and decided it can't hurt to belong to both, especially as I am Canadian, although I realize there are members here from all over the world.  Looking forward to sharing.