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thanks - I think I'm just not really used to this kind of forum. 

So, I just joined this forum a couple of days ago.  Truth-be-told, I'm lost.  There are so many topics ... but the things I think about or want to talk about seem to cross so many of them so I don't know where to start.  Or, I find a post that really resonates only to discover that it was written two years ago.  How do people who already feel like they don't belong anywhere and don't feel like they can trust a soul even begin?  It feels like being a new kid aimlessly roaming the halls of a new high school ... painfully aware that nobody sees you.  Then she tiptoes quietly away...

yeh, I wonder, too.  I didn't really like to play when I was a kid.  It seemed too much like work.  But then, I didn't really have a reason to play.  It might be different now that I do.

Hi Johnram & Papa Coco --

I'm new here and don't mean to intrude ... but, well, I'm having a bad day and this thread really resonated with me.  My family is utterly horrible, too.  I find myself so incredulous at the things they say and do that it tears me to shreds inside.  I freeze, fight, appease and flee (sometimes all at the same time!)

I walked away from the whole damn lot of them.  Moved to a new state with my kids.  Cut them off.  But they find "minions" ... they dig for things to blame on me.  The latest is that they've convinced my mother's nursing home that they shouldn't allow my mother to have any contact with me.  My sweet mother was the only person who believed me and stood by me when my abusive ex was crushing the life out of me ... she now has dementia.  She's trying to starve herself to death.  She lived with me and my children for 14 years.  She loves us and misses us but they have her locked away and refuse to let her talk to any of her friends or loved ones other than them (they weren't present in her life for years).

So.. I'm all over the board at the moment.

But I wanted to say to Papa Coco that your long response here was hugely helpful to me - I might even print it so I can read it more closely!  I saw somewhere else that you said you wrote too much - an apology, even.  Just wanted to say don't feel bad for writing too much!  Your words helped someone (me).  Please don't stop sharing

Thanks for the kind comments.  Funny how just having someone else acknowledge your pain makes a difference...

I can relate to this.  Emotions can throw off my entire day.  Like today.  Thanks for the reminder!

Monday, 11/1/2021
7:54pm (EST)

I've been keeping a journal for over 40 years.  My own little island.  My-land.

It's safe in here.  Nobody sees me.  Nobody hears me.  Nobody hurts me.

I'm not lonely.  Mostly.

Well, sometimes I am.  But I'd rather be lonely than feel those awful things again.

But those awful things are over now.  And I made a discovery.  The grief led me to it. 

My mother was a pianist when she was a girl.  She played beautifully.  Illness took the music away from her.  But I found it (by mistake).  I'm listening now ... I hear my mother playing again.  I hear myself ... playing piano when I was a child, too.  Long before the pain.  Long forgotten.

Maybe I should buy a piano and take lessons?  After all these years?  The music is so beautiful.

Hello everyone -

I just joined and began reading your intros.  I kept wanting to respond but decided I should tell you a little about me first.

Like yours, my story is a long and painful one.  The short version is that I grew up in a large family (8 children.)  My mother is/was a child abuse survivor (her father was an alcoholic) and "transcender" (she has dementia now, but devoted her adult life to helping children.)  There was no clear violence in my childhood, but there was unintentional neglect and extreme sibling rivalry.  As adults, all my siblings developed addictions and/or other (mostly undiagnosed) mental health issues.

I was mom's favorite.  I became the most highly educated, the most "successful," the only one of her children to become a mother too - and her caregiver when her health started failing (14 years ago.)  Despite all my successes, though, I ended up in an abusive/domestic violent relationship.  That is what happened to me that caused my trauma response.

I got out of my horrible relationship (barely) with the help of my mother.  She helped me raise my two children (now adolescents).  We became very, very close and I learned the truth of what happened to her.  I grew to understand her childhood hurts.  She became my hero. 

My siblings saw my mother differently - they became bitter and blamed her for their troubles.  Now she has dementia - so they have shifted blame to me.  I am squarely the Family Scapegoat/Identified Patient - and have recently been cut off from contact with my mother for various untrue reasons.

Last year I made the choice to cut off all contact with my entire extended family.  My children and I moved to another state and are struggling to build a new life.  It's good to finally be free on one hand, but lonely and grief-filled too.

I have made myself a promise to do everything in my power to try to "break the cycle" for my children.  It's an uphill battle. So from the sound of it, I think I may have found a good place.  Thank you for reading this - I'm looking forward to sharing your journey!

Hi everyone -- this is my very first post.  My name is my first & last initials plus today's date.  Not very creative at first glance, but meaningful to me for a couple of reasons: 1) finding and joining this forum is a big milestone for me so I wanted to remember the date and 2) I recently quietly celebrated (ie, alone) 10 years of "freedom" from domestic violence (9/1/2011) and realized that it's an important anniversary & I wished I could share it.  So, here I am, introducing myself on 11/1/2021.  I'm happy to be here.