Messages

Sara

The reality is exactly as you described it; what "myself" is there to get back to? My therapist told me straight up that I had no "myself" but rather as I recovered I would slowly discover who that self is.

Not all therapists are trained to treat CPTSD. I hear your pain around being invalidated by some you have seen. I can only encourage you to use google to track down relevant therapists close to you.

There is hope. My journey is one of recovery, slowly over several years after a lifetime of total chaos.

As others have said, be kind to yourself and be patient but also diligent in your efforts to recover.

Thank you Clarity, Blueberry and Contessa for your shared experiences and encouragement.

After writing that reply yesterday I went on a date. The writing process brought full awareness to that part of me and I have reflected on how I acted on the date and in talking to my date on the phone today. I really am a narcissist. I can see it very clearly. I am of the covert variety.

I'm not afraid of the truth and I'm not drowning in toxic shame.

This will be long but it will give you direct insight into a recovering narcissist (in part).

I have CPTSD, I have been professionally diagnosed with DID. I have three parts. One part has NPD. The other two parts of me do not.

I have been integrating steadily for the last six months. Diagnosis of CPTSD was four years ago and DID was two years ago. I have been seeing this therapist on and off for six years. My three parts have always had a hard time communicating but I was told there was some co-consciousness. Since the diagnosis I have been able to slowly accept that my protective part who is female (I am biologically male, so are my other two parts) has NPD traits. My therapist did not diagnose me as such, she diagnosed me as the sum of my parts. I personally believe that one third of me is NPD. This part of me has a hard time accepting that she is that way but my apparently normal self can see it clearly and because all my parts are fully aware of each other now, I have been able to accept this fact and she is not denying this fact any longer.

Where I have arrived in my recovery process is that I have developed a sense of "I" that is aware of all my parts and therefore all my behaviours, thoughts and emotions. I never used to have this unifying sense of identity. I used to just oscillate between the three parts and often in mixed states of two. For about four months I have had access to all my memories again. Of course this means I have been able to reflect on protective behaviour patterns which means I cannot deny my narcissistic traits any longer. Until I had this sense of "I" it was not possible to admit to my narcissistic part even though the apparently normal part of me knew it to be the case. Interesting.

For the last three weeks I have been having this recurring realisation "I am all of my parts". That is who I really am, because the world experiences the behaviour of all three parts. Now I can finally experience the same because I have developed this sense of "I" that encompasses all three parts. This idea of me being all my parts seems entirely logical and also very profound because I've not been able to experience all of me at once before now. No longer can I play the victim role of my wounded child, the proud coping strategist of apparently normal self or the cold, calculated and cruel machinations of my protective part without this new sense of "I" being aware of everything. There is an obvious caveat to that statement: emotional flashbacks which send me into one part exclusively for a while. On the other side of the flashback however, a debrief of full co-consciousness awaits.

I have struggled over the last two years to accept my narcissism. The logical conclusion is to accept it. It's in me. I behave in horrible ways when I feel threatened. I understand the reason for it, why these behaviours developed and why I split them off into a separate personality. I am all my parts. As a result of this self acceptance I can sometimes catch myself before I open my mouth or make a gesture. Other times I stuff up and realise it fairly soon after. I find it hard to appologise. I still rationalise that that was my protective part and she had her reasons. That is my old behaviour however and it cannot serve me well moving forward.

At the same time, because of my other two parts not being NPD my behaviour cannot be predicted in most situations as being congruent with that diagnosis. Hence my diagnosis is CPTSD and DID. So technically I am not a narcissist. Really that just means I am not a narcissist all the time, just some of the time. I'm not saying this to try and minimise my behaviours, I'm saying this because if I was entirely a narcissist I wouldn't know it. The other two parts and this new found sense of "I" allow me to know it. She has had to fess up because she can't hide from my other parts now. She wishes she was all of me because she sees the wounded child as a handicap. She wishes I had a female body so she could use that for manipulative purposes. These are murky waters, my dark side. She is willing to change because she accepts she is but one part of me and that she exists to protect my wounded child. My wounded child is aligned with my apparently normal self in regards to ethical conduct. She knows she is at odds with wounded child's attitude to people and so she will change. She understands that her "protective" (actually abusive) behaviour causes lot of pain for my wounded child.

This must seem so bizarre to anyone who doesn't live with multiple personalities. This is coming from someone who has recently learned to integrate so that is why it is a mixture of integration and separateness. This is my journey.

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with BPD. It was very difficult for him to accept at first but he is now progressing well in his recovery.

I have an ex who is exactly like me except without co-consciousness. I cannot be around her because she cannot accept any of her behaviour and projects the blame on to me for everything she does and then acts like the sun shines from her you-know-what.

The ability to feel shame and guilt coupled with self awareness is a tremendous gift. My uncomfortable, sometimes unbearable feelings are something I have learned to tolerate. Life is suffering. It's an inescapable fact. To be a better person devote some or all of your life to reducing the suffering of others. Self-centeredness is the source of my uncomfortable, sometimes unbearable feelings and I have learned to use these feelings as markers for behaviours that perpetuate my own suffering. I am systematically working on reducing these behaviours to reduce the suffering of others so that I might lead a life worth living.

So am I getting better? Yes I am. I am consciously working on being a less self centered, less self obsessed person. Therapy took away my confusion and taught me to talk to my selves. Deciding to help other people and think of my self less often has made me a lot happier, the happiest I've ever been.

Yes!

When you're their prey you get good at spotting them and as you say, it is like having a sixth sense.

"I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing"

I feel this statement keenly. I only feel I can connect when I am there for others. If I need someone to be there for me I cannot handle the fear of the possibility of rejection or indifference, so I don't build trust with anyone or if I have done in the past it is very easy for this trust to be eroded.

I work as a carer and because of my codependency I am very good at my job. I struggle when people run me behind time because I need to be assertive. I dislike dealing with the management.

I have more or less abandoned any hope of a close friendship or a long term intimate relationship. This is a bit of a glum place to be but I have been sucked dry yet again and I am trying to recharge the batteries, so to speak.

Thanks for sharing your truth, it has helped me feel less alone. I'm glad you have found hope since your original post. 

I have told several people about my cPTSD. One person seemed interested to know more about how the condition effects me. Most people cannot comprehend it. My understanding is that most therapists do not understand it either. As nice as it would be to be given external validation from all of my support network the reality is the condition is beyond most people's understanding of the world and so their response is minimal.

I am sorry you have recieved invalidating responses Trace. The great thing is that those of us here definetely do understand cPTSD which is why this board is so comforting and affirming.

This is an interesting question.

It seems that for me recovery feels like a life less chaotic, less painful, more enjoyable and with a sense of hope for the future. This is the general trend of how I feel looking at the bigger picture.

Presently I am in a period of emotional flashbacks brought about by the demise of an intimate relationship. So over these last three months there has been lots of pain, emotional chaos, wanting to escape from life via drugs or otherwise and some days where I have felt utterly hopeless and dreading having to live with the way I feel for the rest of my life.

Because I have been in recovery for years I have tools to deal with times like these. I called my therapist when the wheels started to fall off again. I joined this support group when I was diagnosed with cPTSD. I have been in contact with a couple of friends who are able to support me. I have made sure I stay close to my 12 step meetings to avoid a drug relapse. I have done more meditation than usual. I have learned to allow my emotional parts and apparently normal self to communicate in a constructive way (big improvement!).

The situation I am in now is very similar to a situation I was in two and a half years ago. This time around I was quick to identify the problem and get help with the symptoms so I can probably predict with some certainty I will be back to 'normal' within a month so all up this will have been a rough patch of about four months. Compare that to the last time I was in this situation. It took me around twenty months to get myself right. I am pausing to reflect on how I feel about this. I feel confident.

I conclude that recovery is a feeling of confidence that I can live life on life's terms. Over time I grow stronger as I grow from the challenges that life throws at me now that I have been given tools and continue to learn more tools to live with cPTSD. I don't always feel happy or love my life but I definitely feel more confident about getting through the bad times and confident that there will be a lot of good times in the future.

Yeah, that site is awesome.
The forum is under a paywall though, which has so far been a threshold for me, as I'm very tight on money.
I couldn't find out what the fee is.
Do you?

I joined a couple of years ago and it was free at that time to join. I haven't been asked to pay since either. Sorry i am not sure what it costs now. I guess I am flying under the radar?

As I have stated more than once in my posts here in Recovery, the one thing I have found quite difficult about this journey towards recovery is that I have yet to find an author who can tell you HOW to do it.

So I need, like bread, water and air some information on how to deal with these people moving forward.

Some online resources that have worked for me:

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/ This site is run by Dr Tara Palmatier, a very qualified and experienced psychologist who specialises in treating men who have been abused in relationships with women who have cluster b personality disorders i.e. NPD, BPD, HPD. Most of the more instructive and informative articles are listed under the earlier years, 2009-2012 with more recent posts focusing on stories from survivors of abusive relationships. She also hosts a support forum which is linked off the index page.

On youtube I can reccomend a few guys to check out. These guys share information based more on academic research than heresay and pop psychology. Spartanlifecoach. Ross Rosenberg. Sam Vaknin. Sam Vaknin is a psychiatrist and is himself a narcissist who is in recovery for his condition. If you want to get inside the mind of how these people tick then this guy is an excellent resource for that purpose but he also explains how to deal with narcissists too.

Hope some of these might be useful to you VeryFoggy. Good luck with your recovery.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can relate so much. Your writing is engaging and hits the mark beautifully.

Narcissists... I am a magnet to these people. You describe the dynamic so well.

I just extracted a covert narcissist from my life. My previous girlfriend was an overt narcissist but I was so blind back then that I could not see her for who she was. These people, to borrow your metaphor, took my flashlight and went into that hole in me so they could poke around and provoke pain to manipulate me with so they could feed on it. Excruciating though that was, I took that pain to therapy and because of the actions of these narcissists I dealt with pain that was otherwise hidden from me and now I am a more aware and less fragmented person.

All the best in your recovery. 

I was thinking the other day about how there is a positive of this difficulty, and that is that in some ways we are able to connect to those parts of ourselves. We know about and work with our inner lives. Many people don't get that, or even know that exists. They would be a 'I am this, I like this' type person (usually a social 'norm') and that is that for them. We know thats not the case, and so have great opportunity to grow and learn.

This is very true. My therapist remarks how much insight I have about my mind and this we agree is the reason for that.

It used to be  but now with the right guidance it is  to have fragments or parts.

Good luck in your recovery 

It's a wonderful insight you've gained about the ANP invalidating the others. I've just sort of stumbled onto that one myself recently, and it makes a huge difference.

It sure does!

I have been so confused for decades because of undiagnosed cPTSD/ DIDNOS. I have been working with a great therapist for five years on and off and only recently did she meet one of my emotional personalities which gave her a true insight into how much pain I have been living with. I never let this part of me show his face in her room before a few weeks ago.

After she saw that part of me she explained how my parts are quite seperate. This answered a lot of questions and made it ok to acklowledge my inconsistent reactions, moods and the conversations that go around in my head. I have learnt about the apparently normal personality and the emotional personalities that make up my fragmented sense of self. My aparently normal personality has been the one engaging in therapy most of the time with a few of my other alters occasionally showing up. My really hurt trauma personality hasn't even trusted this therapist and has resisted treatment until now.

For the longest time my aparently normal personality has been trying to pull my four emotional personalities into line, invalidating them and upsetting them along the way. Now I know it is ok to acknowledge that I have entirely different reactions within me to each situation that comes up during my day. I have to take all these points of view and feelings into consideration because they all make up the whole of me.

I don't wish to label myself as a multi personality person and remain at war with myself for the rest of my life. I am working towards integrating all these different parts of myself into one fairly coherent whole. My aparently normal self had a lot of success earlier in the year with yoga and meditation and while he was chilled out and not giving the rest of me a hard time I was feeling more peaceful than ever before. I want to be able to get all my parts to try yoga and meditation too. Trauma part and * goddess part are the most resistant. Dissociation part likes to try as does my really young self. I am 3/5ths of the way there!

It's just great to know what the problem is and to be able to express how I feel about it and how I am starting to deal with it so candidly. Imagine talking like this on facebook, for example. People wouldn't get it unless they understand the effects of complex trauma and they would call you crazy. I'm not crazy but I am very complicated. I can give myself a break about it now though, which is such a massive relief.

It's great to be exiting another crisis phase and gliding back into another growth and integration phase. I wish you all the best in your recoveries.

Obscured that's really tough.

I have been experiencing something similar I posted it under a bit of a crisis... My partner has gone cold and is with holding. We have small child which I think has helped to keep things a bit more stable. I can relate to everything you have written. My reaction was to try to talk but nobody would listen and I got so down I was ready to die. I realised that by doing that I would simply be punishing her for hurting me, she possibly represents a kind of mother surrogate. We look for these people who will behave like our parents so that we might re-enact our childhood in the hope that our hurt inner child might be reunited by a neglectful mother. Of course the result will always be the same and we will be hurt and suffer EFs.

I can feel the emptiness and dispair that you must have felt while trying to reconcile with your partner and save your relationship while being ignored and then beaten up for trying to get what you need.

I hope you're OK.

Steamy thanks for hearing me. I am sorry you are in a similar emotional situation. Not being heard and having affection with-held are both very painful experiences. I understand that it hurts so much you feel like wanting to die. If you did go through with it then it would be a punishment and also a very strong statement of how much pain her witholding causes you. The thing with suicide is it is a permanent problem to a temporary solution. You are right, we do look for surrogate mother figures so we can try to re-enact our childhoods. I do that too.

It has been a couple of weeks since I broke up and the strange thing is I feel abandoned even though I broke up with her. I want her to contact me and say "I am sorry, I get it now, no wonder you felt that you had to get away from me." At the same time another part of me is looking back over the relationship and putting things together, like her NLP course DVDs and the way I felt so manipulated at times. I have a very good radar for narcissists but unfortunately I tend to fall for them because my inner child wants that surrogate mother and my biological mother is a narcissist and my abuser.

I hope things have gotten better for you and that you are ok.

Thanks for your replies.

It is liberating to be able to post this stuff and get encouraging responses.