Out of the Storm

I thought that this would be beneficial.  To have some kind of journal going.  If nothing else, but to dump those thoughts and feelings somewhere.

Background

I have been bouncing around the mental health system in the UK for 23 years.  After several bouts of therapy and CBT I am just realizing that it could be trauma at the root.  I had a emotionally and mentally abusing father and I was often witness to, and occasionally a victim of physical domestic violence.  I have always found relationships difficult.  I adored my mother, but she left when I was 16 (leaving me with my father).  I made my own way for a long time, but when I was in my mid twenties I moved back to live with her. 

As mothers do, she disapproved of some things I did.  I don't dress properly.  My hair isn't right.  I need to loose weight.  etc..... And when I used to dress a Goth or Rock Chic in my late teens! OMG she was not happy. 

Things became worse when my daughter was born, and then I could not do anything right.  When she looked after my daughter she would let her do anything! She would not make her do the things that she should do - brush her teeth, eat her greens, go to bed etc....   I understand all grandparents are like that, but she would tell me off when I made her do those things.  Telling me I was strict!  She made me feel a bad person and an awful mother.

My daughter soon learned to manipulate the situation - and as she grew up she would look to my mum for support.    My husband would often ignore all of this - and tell me that I should ignore it too.

One day I caught my mum actually lying just so my daughter got her way.  Then for the first time, I realised that I was not in the wrong.  I was being manipulated. 

A symptom of all this upset and trauma is that I am easily intimidated and overwhelmed.  I struggle to cope at work and have moved from job to job.   I always feel that I am running away though.

Day 1.

Today has been quite stressful - but I have survived!

I have been unhappy at work for many years.  There is a lot of emotional baggage and history there.  I have been offered another job.  However, I was waiting to hear some further information before I made my decision. 

As I had had an informal chat with my employer on Friday, they knew that I was thinking of leaving.  I was supposed to speak with my boss today.   :aaauuugh:  However, as luck would have it he had to leave urgently - phew! 

I have now accepted the new job.  I have also left a voicemail message for my boss (as he was not available) and I have emailed him.  That was a really nerve racking phone call to make.  He has just texted me to confirm he has received my message.  He will call me later. 

This in itself is exhausting......However, it has been a big day too as I had my first appointment with the psychology team.

I had to go through my history with the psych team.  Explaining how I feel, what triggers me.  I described some situations from the past - and lo and behold I felt all the emotions again.  The appointment lasted about an hour.  It was very intense. 

I also know that tonight, whilst I sleep, I will replay the conversations in my head.  I am likely to wake up in a cold sweat and cringing a the thought of what I said etc. 

I have at least another 3 appointments to go.  And hopefully I will have the offer of some treatment at the end of it.....although there will be another waiting list.....

Thanks for listening

Snook

Well, my boss has accepted my notice.  But I noticed he made a big point of saying that "If someone goes as far as getting another job, their intentions are clear".  He clarified this by saying that he wouldn't dream of trying to convince me to stay. 

I am kinda disappointed and kinda relieved.  I was disappointed as it would have been a good ego massage and also would have made me feel smug (if only temporarily).  However, I am also kinda relieved because it means I don't need to convince anyone why I am leaving. I don't have to justify myself to anyone.

I am feeling all unsettled, as I am replaying all of the bad things that have happened in the work environment in my 30 years at work.  That's a very long time, so it stands to reason that there will be a few things that have gone awry and mistakes made.  My logical side tells me that I should be happy that there are less problems than there could be.  But my emotional/irrational side just goes into overdrive and tells me how rubbish, useless and bad I am. 

Is it possible to have more than one inner critic?  I can't see why not.  So all those negative voices of people who have hassled me are speaking at once now.  No wonder it's very loud in my head at the moment.  My inner critic voice from my mum was loud this afternoon - but I just told her to shut her bitter and twisted mouth.  Her "input" was not needed. 

I know that over the next month I will doubt myself and those voices will be very loud.  I need to allow them to wash over me.  I need to practice thought diffusion!

thought diffusion sounds like a great way to go, snookie.  i like that.  i totally believe there is more than one inner critic - how many critical voices have we heard in real life over the years?  tons!

good luck with your new job.  what your boss said sounded like a 'jab' to me, coming from a personal agenda.  a lot of bosses don't like the fact that we move on, and can take it personally.  sounds to me like you're doing a good thing for yourself.  and, i highly doubt you've been rubbish if you've kept the job for 30 years!

so, best to you on a new adventure.  that's how i see changing jobs after such a long run - a new adventure.  i hope you can continue to take good care of yourself while you make this transition.    love and hugs, sweetie.

Hi Sans.

Thanks for your comments and support.

I've 'only' worked there for 10 years, but I've been working for a total of 30 years.  However, I still suffer from Imposter Syndrome and I am constantly doubting myself and am convinced that I'm about to be fired.

Many thanks x

Feeling triggered today.

It's just one of those days.  First I became quite tearful thinking about my cat who had been put down earlier this year.  She'd been with me for 15 years and was more like a dog in the way she always kept me company.  I miss her enormously.  When I remembered her this morning I started to feel a bit "why me" and that bad stuff always happens to me.

Work was a bit boring and now I know that I'm leaving I have lost interest. However, I am becoming quite overwhelmed by perfectionism. The thought of someone coming across something that's wrong, even after I have gone, is quite upsetting.  But equally the thought of someone doing a better job than me after I leave is also upsetting. 

When I got home I intended to send an email to my new employer to let them know that I am still waiting for confirmation of my leaving date.  You know just let them know that I will be speaking to my direct supervisor when she returns from leave on Tuesday.  I did have a conversation with the Head boss on Tuesday and he verbally agreed a date. But I asked for in writing, which he hasn't done

When I checked my emails my new employer they'd emailed me for an update.I instantly felt embarrassed.  I then beat myself for not contacting them earlier. Then I started to imagine that they'd be judging what kind of worker I am.  They would think that I won't be a proactive worker who gets things done (something they asked about in the interview). This is because I know I could have contacted earlier to bring them up to speed.

I emailed my current boss - even though I know he will ignore me (and btw he has). I then emailed my new employer and told them that I'd indicted in my letter of resignation that my last day would be 29th June. I also explained the head boss had agreed this verbally but not yet in writing, but that I have chased him. I also explained that I would be taking the issue up with my direct supervisor on Tuesday, when she is back from leave.

I'm still fretting that they'll think I've not done enough. I've tried to reason that I've made it clear that I've calculated an end date. I've also discussed it with management. I've also chased management. Also I've made it clear that I have another plan of action, and given an indication as to when I will take that action.  Also, my new employer can see that I should be free from July. 

I've not heard from my new employer. I'd have expected a "thank you, please keep me informed" or"okay".

I'm also fuming at my current employer!  They're useless. Or more specifically my head boss is rubbish. And by not confirming s simple thing, he's made me look inept. But he's ALWAYS like this, v and that's one of the reasons I'm leaving.

I'm also starting to imagine what is going to be like working with new people. I feel intimidated.

So, all in all, lots of intense and painful emotions.....

I'm having a very quiet night tonight. Thank heavens!

going to a new job, new responsibilities, new people - yeah, it's a lot. 

sounds like you and i are starting a new phase of our lives on the same day - i'm moving on the 29th to a new house, new city, with my d as my roommate.  we're flying by the seat of our pants, just playing it by ear.  it's definitely a transition, and will take some time to settle in, just like with a new job. 

i hear you with all the stress and tension about such a big transition.  the waiting is the hardest. 

keep taking care of you the best you can, ok?  i'll do the same.  we'll be waiting together.   love and hugs, snookie.

San,

Thank you x

Yes, were both on new journeys.  And that can be scary as well as refreshing.  At least we know we've got support here. 

I wish you all the best in your journey too x

thanks, sweetie.  we'll do this together.  you're right about having support here.  it will be enough.   love and hugs to you.

Well, today was day 2 of my psych assessment.

It was more upsetting and distressing than last week.  The psychologist commented and asked more questions this week.  She did say that it seems that all the issues are down to relationships.  I am not sure of the implications of this.

We are having one more session to discuss my history and one after that to discuss where to go from there.  So at least I am getting there, but I am worried she will just say that I need to be a stronger person.  That the way I am is the problem.  I am jumping to conclusions though.  But one thing to take from this, she has not contradicted me or made me feel bad.  I do feel valid, if not not validated.

Phew! A bit of a full on day. Feeling a bit triggered/overstimulated.

Well first, my current work had announced by global email that I'm leaving. This instantly set of my anxiety, worrying what people were thinking or saying. 

Thankfully, I received a small rash of emails wishing me good luck and praising me for all the work I'd done.  This set off a flood of emotional reactions.  It felt pleasant for these nice things to be said, but part of me felt it couldn't relate to me. I was also sad that things are at an end.

Then I thought I'd try and organise a leaving do.  I always think that no-one will turn up.  I felt nervous about sending out an email.  Again, there were mixed emotions.  Some replies  were very complimentary and expressed how much they'd miss me and that they'd love to come. Others simply ignored me or had excuses.  So, it was intense and conflicting emotions.

I had to call in to my new employer to collect my contract and have my photo taken for the website.  I was shown around the office and met some future collegues.  It made me realise what it is going to be like when I start there. I'm going to feel an intense uncomfortable feeling for a while. My social anxiety will kick off.

Then I had to queue with three other future colleagues to have my photo taken.  They were nice enough and made small talk.  I actually handled it well, and kept the conversation going. But I was glad when the experience was over.

Having my picture taken was awful. I had been feeling pretty good about myself.... Until I saw the photos. Then the inner critic had a field day. I'm old, terrible skin, fat faced, shiny faced etc.  Thankfully the photographer allowed me to have some more shots taken.  And there were a couple that were acceptable.  I did take solace from the fact that I'd noticed a couple of the other ladies preening themselves, wanting extra shots or wanting privacy for their pictures. So, they obviously felt uncomfortable too.

I was totally washed out and forgot a could of errands in the afternoon. That's totally not like me. 

I've tried to look at the positives. I handled myself well and recognised when my inner critic was in overdrive etc.  I forgave myself for forgetting my errands. I now intend to have a peaceful and relaxing evening to calm down.

well done.     :hug:

Thank you San x

I had my counselling session this week. I only have a session once a fortnight (it's all I can afford).

My therapist was very supportive. She thinks that my current employer had the opportunity to make me feel valued, but like so many people in my life, they let me down. But worse than that, they've made me feel that I'm in the wrong.

She also thinks that I've been made to feel valued and wanted by my new employer.  I'm hoping this is the start of something positive.

I also explained how it felt when Is called in to my new employer.  I felt supremely confident at my old work, but very scared and overwhelmed at my new work.  She thinks the contrast of these feelings are my adult self versus my inner child. I was my adult self at my old work. But when I entered my new work place, which was unfamiliar and frightening she says that it was my inner child who felt scared. 

I think she is correct.  I need to do some work and research on this.  I am vaguely aware of having to re-parent myself. My mum and dad were never there when I entered scary situations.  I never learned how to deal with that intense emotions.

My therapist had suggested that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and nervous. I feel that I have to appear in charge and confident, but she's suggested it's okay to be nervous in a new job.

i have to agree with your t on this, snookie.  i think the very act of being in a new job can be nerve wracking, and that it's normal to feel nervous about it.  i don't know of anyone who hasn't.   even changing positions in the same company can bring on the nerves.

re-parenting can be very soothing and calming.  if your folks weren't there for you during new and scary situations, it stands to reason that your little you would have difficulty negotiating those feelings.  i hope you can talk to and reassure little you that it'll be ok, that your adult you will be there and take care of the situation, and that it's very common to be nervous in the beginning, that things will change over time. 

best to you, and i have no doubt that you'll come out on top of this shortly.  sending love and a hug filled with reassurance and calm.

 :stars: :stars: :stars:

Well I feel, well... Dazed.

We've had workmen in . And I've been fretting that they damage something, or hit a major problem, or something. Then I worried about paying them in cash. I'm now worrying that there'll be a problem with their work. I'm also fretting as the alarm needs connecting back up. What if it doesn't work, or that workman let's me down.

I had my third and final assessment with the psych team yesterday.  I've been discharged.  That's unsettling.

Basically, they could only offer me 9 sessions of therapy.  Compared to 46 years of trauma.  So I declined. I'm having counselling and have done for almost a year. 9 sessions on the NHS will do little.

I was hoping for a diagnosis. She did confirm it's not a personality disorders but due to the emotional trauma. So that's something.

I can't help feeling pathetic though. I'm not fully functioning, but not disordered enough to require any further treatment. 

I also felt she was over simplyfying the situation. My other T seems to get it and understand.

Feeling very overwhelmed. Trying to make sense of my emotions right now. 

As I said  :stars: :stars: :stars:

it's not you, snook.  it's the system.  these people don't have the proper understanding of what chronic trauma brings into our lives, how it causes changes in our perceptions and perspectives against our will.  over-simplifying the situation about sums it up.  i'm very sure that's exactly what was going on.

i'm glad you have a t who gets it and understands.  once again, it's not you.  if it was, that t wouldn't understand, either.  it's this beast, cunning and conniving.  sinister.  it makes us doubt our very worth, and sends us spinning, just like your emoji's show. 

hang tough, sweetie.  we're here with you.  i give you credit for going thru the assessment, even if it didn't give you satisfaction.  at least you have a better idea of where you stand with their system.  you have plenty to be diagnosed for - that's on them, not you.  sending a warm, comforting hug and lots of love.

As ever, many thanks to you San.  Much love to you.

Well, do you know what?  I really don't like people!!!   ???

I am on count down to leaving my current job.  I cannot wait to be away from all of the politics and BS!  I also hope to be leaving behind a load of emotional baggage (mainly consisting of shame!).  Yet I just feel that people are determined to make me feel bad and be negative about it.

One of my work mates, who I consider a friend, seems a bit more stand off-ish.  So that is not great.  She is still banging on about what she is doing every minute of the day!  In my opinion she has very little to do, and justifies her existence by talking about what she has done.  I have 6 days left to work there, why would I be interested in what she is doing?  She does not seem interested what is going to happen to my work when I am gone.  She just seems totally oblivious to the fact.

Then another colleague does not want to come to my leaving do, because of the football match next week.  But instead of asking me if I can rearrange to another day, he got another colleague to ask me (whats that all about?).  Now I am absolutely petrified that I am gonna look stupid because no one will want to come.    I cannot really do a different day and part of me thinks 'why should I?'

Another colleague decided to tell me about his wife, and how she is worse off for moving jobs.  Great.  Thanks!

And finally, management just have been ignoring me. 

So all in all I am quite triggered.   

The silver lining to all of this .....when I feel out of my depth at my new job, or feel out of place, then I can remember all of the above, to remind me why I moved.

geez. snook, what a bunch of goofballs!  no wonder you're looking forward to leaving!

whatever happens with your 'do', i'm thinking that if you can throw it for yourself, you've already done good.  if anyone else wants to join you, that's up to them, and welcome, but first and foremost, this is for you.  that way you know the guest of honor is there and enjoying it.  and, isn't that the point?  i think yes.  plus you can use it to put closure on everything for yourself as well.  let the rest of them eat cake!  so to speak.

since i'm also moving out of what i've discovered is a snake pit in less that 2 weeks, i'm right there beside you.  looking forward to shaking their dust off my feet as i go out the door.  i know there will be some upheaval, some struggles, before settling in at our new place, but in the long run, it will be much better.

best to you with all this.  i hope you can keep your focus where it's best for you.  it sounds like you're surrounded by some highly insensitive people, and i'm glad you're getting out of there.  5 more days.   love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks again xxx

There are so many echoes of the past at play here.  I know I'm not wrong, but I'm ignored, overlooked, treated as if I'm always making issues, or people react as if I'm out of order.  It's gut wrenching experiencing all this, but still knowing I'm not wrong. This is so like my parents! 

Your words of support mean so much.  Sending you hugs back xx

Well today was a bit better.  In fact I manage to function quite well and made progress at work.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated at work being blinkered and never getting anywhere.  One of the main reasons that I am leaving.  I still am having conversations that I had 8, 9, 10 years ago! 

I was chatting to a colleague about what will happen to my work when I leave.  It's been said that initially they will have to cope.  This makes absolutely no sense as people are already covering people who are on maternity leave and on annual leave.  They're stretched so thinly now!!!  I scan deal with this frustration as I know that at the end of next week all that will go!

However, someone has told me that they are thinking of replacing me (but not immediately).  That caused an emotional reaction in me.  It stands to reason that someone else will do my work. So why the reaction?

I'm thinking there are two reasons.  First I am worried that someone will find a mistake.  But secondly I am worried that they will do better than me. This would make me feel very sad.  It would be an echo of all those times I've been told/made to feel that I am no good enough, that I'm inadequate.  That second reason is quite triggering.

I don't really wish them to fail, but I'd they cope it'll make me feel useless or not unique.

For the last four years my identity has been they way I do my job. That I juggle a lot and things move smoothly. If someone else did that I don't know how I am.

So thats what I'm feeling. What about offsetting those feelings?  Well, maybe I just need to focus on doing my new job?

maybe that's exactly what you need to do, snook.  putting that old job in the past, leaving it behind can take some doing.  when they replace you, that person will never be able to do your job in quite the same way you did.  the way you did it was your way, and you made it work, worthwhile, and special in its/your own way.  no one can match that.

however, it won't be your job anymore, and someone else will have to find a way to make it theirs.  the circle of life, right?  just like you're going to your new job, some type of work that was done by others before you.  you'll make it your own in your own inimitable way, and you can take pride in how you do it.  i love how we continue to get chances to start over.

you may need to grieve your old job and everything that's attached to it, including your feelings of self-worth, uniqueness, and expertise with it.  every change contains both a gain and a loss, and those losses deserve to be mourned in order for us to move into the gain and become one with it on its own merit.

these last few days i would expect to be fraught with stress, various feelings, and emotions, making you feel a bit messy about the whole thing at times.  you'll get thru it, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs to you, snook.

I've been out of sorts. Not feeling quite right at work. And this is understandable, as I only have one week left until I leave.

One of the people who I work for said to me today "please don't go".  I just chuckled as I thought she was being funny.  Then she said "No, please don't go.  Who will do the things that you do.  It'll all get messed up".

It hit me then.  No one else has said anything like that to me.  And this makes me feel unimportant, not needed, useless.  That's what's been unsettling me. That's what's been missing.

I'm sure that they're all probably thinking that they'd rather I stayed.  I am also sure that they're all purposely not telling me this, as they don't want to let on how they do need me.  I also think they are in denial about how much impact it'll have.

But now I've identified why I feel odd, it'll be easier to deal with it.

i'm very glad someone stepped up and said something.  those kinds of things can make all the difference. 

you will be missed, snookie.  love and hugs to you.

I'm all out of sorts.  I've had a good and enjoyable weekend. But I'm still out of sorts.

There's a couple of reasons for this. First is my hubby and daughter have made me feel totally wrong when I'm not. This is the kind of behaviour my mum used to do to me.  So it sends me scatty.

When out and about on Friday with my daughter we joined a queue. I was watching who was being served, who was milling about and where we were in the queue.  When there was space at the counter I stepped forward. My 14 year old daughter grabbed me and looked absolutely mortified me. She told me that I'd pushed in. I hadn't. I knew we were next. She tutted at me and pointed at some one behind me and said that they were next.  I gentle said to her that they'd just arrived (I'd seen them arrive) and that we now lost our place, and that they could speak up for themselves if I'd accidentally pushed in.

What bothered me so much, is that she was convinced that I was in the wrong. There was no way that it was the other people. Of course it had to be me. In addition, I was not allowed to get it wrong, even accidentally! My husband does this particular thing to me all the time!!

Then hubby annoyed the day after. We've had new doors fitted. They're supposed to be more secure. Only I have trouble locking the front door. When I check if it's locked, I realise it's not.  So I try a second time, and it works. I'm concerned about this. We've paid a lot of money. But instead of being worried too, he comes out with a list of why it's something I'm doing wrong. I'm turning the handle too hard, too fast. This makes me feel foolish. I feel incapable. It triggers me. To my mind, the door should just lock. There should be no special technique. I should just lift the handle and turn the key. I shouldn't need to turn fast, stand on one leg or cast a magic spell.  But he's ignoring me. I feel angry.

To him everyone else is right. I'm the only person who's wrong. He'll upset me every time, as opposed to bothering or upsetting someone else. It has to be me.

Then he's out all day on Sunday (cycling fun 5am to 3pm).  Then he's on his phone whilst watching football. Whilst my daughter and I want to go out for tea.  So now I feel unimportant. And invisible. And when we out, he hardly speaks because he's shattered. And my daughter is just being  arguementative and contrary. Telling me how everyone likes her!

And then this morning, I find odd fragments of unhappy memories popping into my head. I usually don't suffer with this. And if I do it's only one memory which might be related to what I'm going through at that time. I usually just experience EF really. So this was very odd, for random memories to happen.

I think the memories are because next week in starting my new job? My anxiety is very high. And with my family being difficult this weekend, I'm very sensitive.

that just sucks that they make you feel like that, snook.  it really does.  i've had similar experiences, so can relate to how mortifying it can feel, even when we know we did nothing untoward. 

my hub has done that to me on numerous occasions, especially when we've been out in public.  his solution was for me just to let it go (not make a scene) and we'd discuss it when we got home.   well, by then, the whole thing was over, there wasn't time, and it just got brushed under the rug.  yuck!

don't have any advice, just support, love, and a big hug full of compassion. i do hope that some day you can get this sorted out.  fingers crossed.

San,

Thank you for your support and love. And thank you for your validation too. It means so much to me.

Sending hugs back to you  :hug:

I feel crushed  :fallingbricks:

It's bound to be a turbulent time. Leaving a job after 10 years.  There are so many negative and toxic people there. 

I was dreading this week, as it is my last. I knew I'd have to interact with a couple of people that have caused me difficulties, pain and have scarred me. 

Yesterday I sat with one of these ladies. It wasn't as bad as I thought but still she made me feel unimportant.  I have done so many positive and constructive things in this role.  It hadn't been done properly for almost two years when I stepped in. There were few documents and absolutely zero training.  I'm leaving it, up to date with all sorts of processes and procedures. There's documentation for everything for the period that I've being doing the job. Whoever takes over from me will find it much easier than I did.

And yet, despite the progress, she didn't even comment once about what I've achieved.  In fact she just pointed out a spelling mistake and asked that I add more information into my notes.

She did thank me for the help of given her over the years. But she didn't say how well I'd done. Or that I'd organised things very well.  Etc.....

And today is my big boss's last day in the office. I leave in Friday. And as I work part time, I have already left for the day.  He didn't even come to say goodbye.  Not even a handshake. Or a "good luck".  That seems pretty pointed to me!  And it hurts.

I have never been his type of person. I accept that. And I'm happy to say that I don't like him or the kind of people he likes.  But what hurts is that I've always tried hard. I've had to be out of my comfort zone on a regular basis due to the kinds of tasks given to me. I've never missed a deadline. I've always got results. I work on my own initiative and am conscientious. And yet he has acted this way.

I really cannot understand it.  Okay, he doesn't have to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but it's just manners to say goodbye.

I try to practice radical acceptance. I know that by questioning things it turns pain into suffering. But at this moment I cannot help wondering "why". Why people just don't seem to like me.  Why people make me feel bad.   I can't help recalling other times people were mean to me. And that makes me feel such a bad person.

To make matters worse, I'm upset at my T. She rescheduled my last appointment two weeks ago. I got an email on Monday wanting to reschedule today's appointment to tomorrow at 3pm too. I replied saying okay, but asking if she had an appointment at 2pm tomorrow instead (but if not then I'd take the 3pm slot).  I also asked which office to go to (she has two sites). I've not had a reply. This is rude and unprofessional. Do I call her out?  Do I assume she's just a bit slack with admin?  Do I ignore it and use my session to discuss the deep hurt I'm feeling? I'm probably do that. I can't face the idea of finding a new T - having to go over everything again! And at the moment this is the most stable thing in my life.

o, snook.

*sigh*.  people can be such buttwipes at times, can't they.  not giving you the recognition you deserve, not saying good-bye, pointing out a spelling error in lieu of praising you for all you've done right - you've been a big service to that office.  you'd think someone would have the common decency to acknowledge that.

i don't think it's you, tho.  i think it's a sign of the times, unfortunately.  there is such a lack of common courtesy, consideration, and caring that i fear for what humanity is going toward.  so the fact that the people you worked with may just be so into themselves that they don't take notice like many of us do.  that's not a reflection of you, your character, or your personality - rather, a reflection of their shallowness and apathy.

i wish the ending could be more congenial, friendlier, and have a more positive ring to it for you.  you've worked hard and contributed a lot.  that it's not recognized is a sign of the toxicity you're leaving behind.

very sorry it couldn't be more pleasant for you, snook.  you've done your best, and it was a wonderful effort.  you'll do your best at your next job, and hopefully will be more appreciated.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

San.

As always, thank you.  Sending you hugs and love and strength for the changes you are facing.   X

OMG

I'm seething.

I don't want a leaving do. I'm socially anxious.  My hubby and daughter are coming for goodness sake.  I knew it'd be soul crushing and confidence sapping. They're my moral support.

A few people have dropped out. And a few have ignored the invite.  That's to be expected.

But someone had just tried manipulate  me into changing all my arrangements.   She emailed - marked private,  asking if we could meet at the restaurant earlier. She said for personal reasons it would suit her to be home at 8 pm. She even offered to call the restaurant for me.

I'm sure that this is genuine.   And if it was an easy thing to change I would.  I explained that the reason for meeting for a drink first is because I need to travel in tonight, as do others, and I can't be certain we'd all arrive for 5.30. I asked her if she was ok and said I was sending hugs.

She emailed back to point out that we all could leave work at 5.30.  I replied saying I was travelling in (I work part time so have already finished for the day) and three other people  (who aren't in work) have been told to meet between 5.30 and 6.30.

She replied by saying that I should not make any changes just for her.  I wasn't  going to!  And I think she was being passive aggressive anyway. She said she would see what she could do.
I replied by saying thank you.

She then said she'd just come for a drink and skip the meal. This is why arranged the evening in stages, so people could choose which parts they want to take part in.

I'm astonished at how she was trying to get her way.  I felt so pressured and manipulated.   Honestly,  she expects that I'll change all my plans just for her!!

And now I'm gonna hate the evening as It'll bother me just how few people turn up.

I cannot wait for tomorrow to be over!!! My last day at that job.

I wish I never agreed to a leaving do.

you stood your ground with that woman, snook, so well done for that.  i hate it when people do that kind of thing, like what they're doing or their lives are more important.  pooh on that!

i'm glad you're hub and d are coming to be there for you.  a wise decision, i believe.  even if it's only the 3 of you, i hope you all can celebrate a job well done on your part, put closure to this job, and look forward to a new adventure.  i commend your hub and d for being there for you.

as for the rest, well, after tomorrow you'll never have to see them again, right?  let them go on with their petty little lives, while you'll be moving on from all of them.  i'm just sorry this is causing you such concern and consternation.  i really do hope you have a good time in spite of anything.  i'd be there with you if i could.   love and hugs, and hope it goes well.

San

I love you. You always know what to say and make me feel valid.

So sending you big hugs x

Thank you x

First day of job

Well, I survived. In fact I did really well. I didn't get scared. I chatted. I smiled.

I had some one to one training. And again I did okay. I made eye contact. I asked questions. I repeated stuff back, so that the trainer knew what I was taking in. I think I understood the processes okay too.

What didn't I like?  He kept jumping from one thing to another. He didn't process things in sequential manner.  He kept adding in bits of information.   Thankfully I did part of the work a few years ago, but slightly differently, do at least I had a vague idea of where all these bits of information fit in.

I also asked him let me do some of the work, with him watching me. I explained this is so he can correct me, or help me if I go wrong or get stuck.  That way I way I learn.  I can't pick it up by just by watching.  I need to do the work, but with guidance.

I'm sitting with someone else tomorrow.  I'm going that will allay my worries.  I'm just worried that they'll just say "get on with it" after tomorrow.  But I'll try and out my point of view across if they do.

What a difference a day makes!

I felt very despondent yesterday and very overwhelmed.  I woke up and could not sleep.  So I posted here (having a bad day) in panic.

I went back to bed and imagined cuddling my inner child.  It helped and I eventually dozed off again.

I really did not want to go in today.  I even toyed with not going - knowing that they would fire me.  But I knew that would bring much worse consequences - so I forced myself to go!

I sat with a lovely lady this time.  I explained I understood the work, just not the database that they use.  She explained when she was trained on my particular work, she was familiar with the database from her other job there, but it still took 4 days of training.  So I don't feel so bad.

She allowed me to do the work with her guiding me and me making notes.  I processed quite a few forms.  And felt much more confident.

We got chatting and I feel a little more sure as to where this job is going and what it will be like.

Feeling relieved..... :cheer:

Well my first week at my new job was okay.  In fact, I did really well.  I had an informal meeting and they're happy.

This week has been a bit tougher.  I am trying to make sense of everything. And it's frustrating as doc that should be saved on the computer aren't there.  Those that should add them are busy and aren't doing this. So I'm slowed by having to have a conversation about it! 

I'm beginning to worry about whether I'm fast enough or progressing enough.  But that is.my anxiety talking.  I've only been doing this for 7 days in all!

I'll see how things pan out tomorrow and think about it then.

At home my D is becoming more distressed at her grandad's distance since he met his new partner.  He's spending less and less time with us (and her).  In the last two years we've lost my mum, my mother in law, my cat of 15 years, and more we're hardly seeing her granddad. On top of which I've changed jobs and she's being sidelined by her friends. It's a lot of changes, for us all, and she's still in her teens.

But as a positive, in my anxiety peer support group I was referred to as a high functioning anxiety sufferer, as something for the rest of the group to aspire to. It was said that my self care routine was quite complex and involved. I think he was saying that I'm pretty accomplished at coping. Although I didn't always feel like I am!

What a TERRIBLE day. First my therapist cancelled my session at short notice - this is the third time that I have been messed about. I was relying on seeing her to help ground myself.  I was so disappointed.  I even toyed with whether I should find another therapist - but I have had soooo much change recently (well in the last two years really), I am not really sure I could/should do this at the moment.

Then when I arrived at work my PC would not let me on the system. I had to ask for help and in the end ended up sorting out and interim solution to work. But this set me back half an hour.   And I am feeling very annoyed at the problem with documentation - this is really slowing me down.  I believe someone wants to move to an all electronic system - which will help, but in the short term my progress is a bit slowed.  I did speak to the office manager about this and she reminded me I have only been here for a week and half so progress wont be great - and she did confirm that they have no issues with me.

ugh - frustration upon frustration.  what a drag, snook.

hopefully, as you become better acquainted with the new office, its dynamics, politics, and procedures, things will start going more smoothly for you.  however, it also sucks that your t canceled on you again.  such bad timing for you.  i have a grounding stone i keep in my bathroom - it's just a smooth black stone i picked up one day cuz it appealed to me.  since i see it every day, it reminds me about grounding, and that helps.  maybe something like that could work for you in between sessions?  just a thought.

may i encourage you to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  slowly, step by step, we make progress.  sending love and a hug full of calm and comfort to you.

Thank you San x

Really did not want to go in today - but forced myself.  I kept telling myself that I had to do some radical acceptance - which kinda helped.  I was instantly bombarded with several requests to sort old work issues, but I managed.  I also tried e-mailing the other people for missing info,which worked a bit better.  Maybe it's harder to actually ignore an e-mail that it is to ignore me asking!  I also managed to avoid comfort eating.  So an all round better day.  I felt useful and worthwhile.

Thanks again San, you are right that it is one foot in front of the other.  And before I know it I will have come a long way x

Epiphany.....

I've spent my entire life being made to feel that in I'm not good enough by those that I only want to love me.  That's my trauma summed up in one sentence.   But even if I spoke non-stop for the rest of my life, I wouldn't have enough time, or words to express the depth of the pain and damage  I have suffered as a result of the constant emotional harm and neglect that I've endured.  Not to mention the fear of being hurt and damated again.

Knowing what has happened helps (having a narrative). Understanding what happened is the key to shifting the shame (it was not my choice and I did not have control and therfore it's not my fault).  Accepting it happened but that I survived is the key to recovery (I've endured so much, but that has made me strong).

I'm slowly coming to terms with the hurt caused by my loved ones. 

 :thumbup:

that's a great epiphany, snook, and one that i have no doubt will serve you well as you continue your healing.  well done.  love and hugs, sweetie.