I fear going to see my GP (my doctor) - the reason is that I saw her quite a few years ago, when I was struggling to cope - and I think her reaction to me (at the time I burst into tears infront of her) and she reached out to me, and literally hugged me - made my wounded inner child want to 'attach to her' - and felt that she 'rescued' me - but the thing is that she didn't know I had complex CPTSD, and she thought I was depressed, and so she put me on anti-depressants, and treated me that way - and then it took me a few years to come off them - and in the meantime, I changed my GP and was pleased with my new doctor. However, recently that GP retired, and that meant I chose to go back to the previous one (the one who had seen me initially). She had forgotten what had happened previously - literally asked me if I'd left the practice and moved away geographically! I thought that wasn't good that she wasn't up to date on my records, and could have easily looked back, but I guess they don't have time to do that.
Anyway, I don't feel I can tell her about my background of trauma - I am 'self diagnosed' rather than in any professional sense, and I just don't think she would understand. I might sound arrogant to say that, but it's what I believe, and I don't think she would help me.
I don't know whether to continue to see her, or whether to change and see someone else. But the thing is that I don't feel I can trust any of the medical doctors.
Yet, there are times when I need to see a doctor - they are the way to get medication for infections and suchlike, and there's no way to access some things without a prescription - yet I lack confidence in them.
I thought I was brave to choose to go back to her, but I was disappointed by her lack of bothering to read any of my notes, or remember anything about me. It's like she didn't see me either, and noone in my FOO 'saw me' - not really.
I took a lot of courage to phone to ask to see the GP today - and was told she couldn't see me for a few weeks, as she's away on holiday - and I just couldn't pluck up courage to see anyone else either. So I put the phone down.
It's things like this that make me feel very small and powerless and vulnerable.
I'm glad I've not got any big health concerns - it's a relatively small thing - but I am just worried for when I might have something bigger that I wouldn't cope with seeking the support.
I can feel an inner critic telling me off for writing this now - but I'm going to put it out there anyway. However, I do wonder why talking about the doctor feels like a bad thing to do.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
I am sorry you have had this unnerving experience with your GP surgery. I think finding the right GP can be so difficult, and your story about being put on anti-depressants for depression when you have complex CPTSD sounds familiar. That's how I was treated as well. Like you, I stopped taking the meds because they did nothing for me at all. In fact they were harmful with their nasty 'side effects'.
I am afraid I don't trust medical doctors either. Because of this I avoid them at all costs. I simply do not wish to be misdiagnosed (again) and medicated with poisons.
QuoteI thought I was brave to choose to go back to her, but I was disappointed by her lack of bothering to read any of my notes, or remember anything about me. It's like she didn't see me either, and noone in my FOO 'saw me' - not really.
I totally resonate with this feeling Hope. I call it 'blindness' and 'deafness'. I used to get angry with my FOO, assuming they were rejecting my pain and suffering, just like they rejected me as a person, but now I have come to the conclusion that they
can't perceive it, and are not interested either. Professionals all too often seem to lack the ability, and the will, to do the excavation work, to find out the details of our suffering, how we came to be in this state.
QuoteIt's things like this that make me feel very small and powerless and vulnerable.
:hug:
I am just wondering whether there are any other NHS services available to you? One thing I did when I lived in London, was locate a Trauma clinic and get my GP to write a referral.
In the end the clinic wasn't that useful (long story!) but it could have been... and maybe there is another service in your area that you could be referred to, somewhere more appropriate for your needs. Just an idea.... We shouldn't have to depend on our GPs, as they are, after all not trauma specialists, but general practitioners.
Sending healing wishes and hugs x
Dear Hope,
I am sorry to hear that you have had such bad experiences with GPs, and that they are such a big concern for you.
You were brave phoning the GP up and asking for an appointment. It's a hard thing to do when shame and fear is strong!
I've had a few GPs that didn't take me seriously either. Some didn't listen, others just didn't have the full picture. It hurts deeply when you aren't believed. And trust is hard to build up again. If you are able to, I would recommend you change your GP. You need to be able to communicate with your GP. And he/she with you. It's essential for healing, both from infection but also to have a support person fighting along side you.
There are good GPs out there. I promise.
And I hope you won't give up hope on that.
Just wish you the best. Can I give you a hug? :hug:
Hi Hope,
I don't trust doctors either. I guess for those of us with a chronic problem and especially if we were misdiagnosed, they seem less reliable than to others.
What I do is I only see a doctor when I need something I know they can offer (prescription, referral, things that are way out of my field of knowledge and ability to research on my own). But in general, I try to avoid them as much as possible.
I was never officially diagnosed with cptsd, I don't see the need for it. Psychiatrists have nothing to offer me (and I don't really feel cptsd is psychiatric at all). I wouldn't get any benefits from a diagnosis where I live. I don't have access to therapy, I read a lot about trauma and cptsd and the brain. Yeah, when I see doctors I keep all that to myself. I don't trust them to understand the bigger picture.
Sad, but true. They don't seem to have the time, patience or resources to really dive in. They're excellent with acute problems, fixable things, simple things. Anything long term or complex and they lose interest and become impatient. Well, many do.
I think, based on what you've been writing here on OOTS, it seems to me you're taking very good, thoughtful care of yourself. So cptsd wise, maybe a doctor wouldn't be able to offer much that you aren't doing already. For other things, I think if I were you I might stick with her, with the GP; she's not perfect, obviously... :bigwink: but she's better than many.
She sounds like she has a heart and that's an asset in a doctor, no doubt. And she can get to know you over time.
I agree, it was brave of you to go back. And I also agree there may not be someone better out there. She sounds like a decent, better-than-average GP. Maybe give her a trial period, give it a while, let yourselves get to know each other a little and then decide?
Hope this helps, and at least won't be even more confusing.
Hi Ah,
What you wrote is so helpful - thank you! I think I will stick with her and see how we get along - she clearly did demonstrate she had a 'heart' - and that's a good thing.
Thanks - it helped to hear what you said.
:hug: to you, if that's ok. :)
Hope :)
Sorry to the other people who replied Fen Starshimmer and Sceal - I only 'saw' the reply from 'Ah' - and I am desperately tired, so I will come back tomorrow and read what you wrote too - as I would like to see what you wrote and consider all that people have kindly said. Thank you all...!!!!
:grouphug:
Hope :)
Hi again,
I've read what you wrote Fen Starshimmer and Sceal - and I had already read 'Ah's' reply last night - thank you all. You have all validated my experiences and said helpful things that resonate with me.
Fen Starshimmer - so sorry that you were also medicated and suffered from the side-effects of that - I did too - it was really hard to come off them as well - but I've been off them for a while now, and I am ok, so I don't think I needed them. I was in a bad way when she prescribed them, and I can see why she turned to them.
Sceal - I thank you for your reply - and for the hug too :hug: back to you - it is always welcome. You have raised a good point that there are some good doctors out there.
Ah - you're right - that doctor did show she had a heart - not many doctors would reach out to a patient and connect in a supportive way - and she clearly did when she thought I was in need previously, and I realise she will have seen tons of people since she saw me. I might go back to her, and see how it goes. Or maybe I'll see someone else in the meantime, and see what they're like. It's just that I find it very hard to 'take myself to the doctor' as I fear that I'll cry infront of them - it's harder to bring my mask of coping to such situations - particular nowadays, as I feel more fragile and 'reactive' - probably because I'm 'feeling' more things these days.
There's lots for me to think about, but in the end - I need to think that GP's are just that - General Practitioner's, and not specialists in anything really. I know some of them have special interests, but essentially they're gatekeepers to other services. I don't have any faith in the availability of other services, where I am living.
I think I'll stick to this forum, and my self-help books, and try to relate to my existing GP - give her a chance to get to know me, rather than project all my angst onto her - I need to be brave. I'll try...
Thank you all for your replies, as it's helped me to think more about this.
:grouphug:
Hope :)
Hope, I can totally understand what you're saying and when you wrote and said you can't take yourself to the dr's as you're worried about crying in front of them and you have your 'mask' on that is so me, I've been with my therapist for nearly a year now on the nhs (off and on) and can cry during emdr but just sitting there and talking face to face I can feel all the emotions bubbling up inside me but can't let them out, I always put on a lot of make up before I see her this is my mask and it keeps me protected, I really wish I could just sit there and completely have a breakdown in front of her because that's what I know I need to do but I just can't let myself do it!!
I have been really lucky with my doctor and referral through the nhs and do have a really good therapist but I do find 50 minutes once a week is so frustrating and I don't achieve a great deal, I feel like I'll be in therapy forever!! Good luck to you though.
:hug: :grouphug: for you Hope.
I'm lucky, my GP is very empathetic and often understands far more about me and CPTSD than psychiatrists and therapists. Though my current T understands tons too. But previous ones haven't always been that good, knowledgeable etc. I don't want to think about the search for a new GP when this one retires, which is likely to be sooner rather than later.
All the best!
Hi Eyessoblue,
Thank you for sharing your experience and for empathising with me. I really appreciate it.
Hi Blueberry - thank you for your empathy as well - and I'm glad to hear you've got an empathetic GP - and I hope you can find another one when the time comes.
Just to say that I ended up going to see a completely different GP today - because my partner encouraged me to make the phone call, and there was an appointment slot - and the GP that I saw was ok! She was very young, but seemed very professional and also gentle, and that was nice. She referred me to a specialist, so I will be put on a waiting list to see a specialist, and I must admit I was surprised that she felt I needed that, but I will hopefully cope. It's a medical issue - I guess it was needed. I don't know how long I'll be waiting for the appointment, but at least I know that the GP was approachable, and maybe I could go back to her - in the future. The GP Practice is one where you can ask to see different GP's, so maybe that's the way - to just be with one that seems ok.
Thank you everyone for your support and replies, because I think that maybe feeling your support enabled me to make the phone call - in addition to my partner's encouragement - and maybe I do need to see a specialist and get my issue looked at and hopefully sorted out.
Hope :)
That's great, Hope. :)
It reminds me of the analysis of why people win the lottery. The lottery seems like all its arbitrary numbers would make it too hard for anyone to win at all, but there's nearly always someone who does. From the sheer number of people who do, eventually there's enough tries that someone will win it. Those who won are often those who tried the most, and so the probability goes up that they'll win.
Wonder if it goes the same with a doctor, huh? I don't think human beings are as random as how statistics analyzes lotteries, but maybe there's a truth to it here too.
Well, take care, Hope. :hug:
I'm very happy to hear that you got to see a GP that met your needs and whom you felt were okay.
I hope your medical troubles get fixed and wont be bothersome anymore.
:hug: , if it's okay!
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much - mentioning the lottery - that makes sense you know. Also, I think that 'you have to be in it, to win it' - so really - I am better to face something and see what happens, than avoid it - because if I avoid it, I can't get my medical needs met - so that makes sense too.
Hi Sceal - thank you so much for your reply - and thank you for the hug - :hug: for you as well.
Hope :)
Hello Hope,
Thanks for your feedback. I know how frustrating it is to want to get better, to sense there must be ways to heal, but find the door continuously shut to anything workable.
I agree that self-educating can be a helpful kind of self-therapy when you are able to apply learning to self, do inner work, and find out about methods that can help re-regulate neural networks and repair damaged energy systems.
QuoteThere's lots for me to think about, but in the end - I need to think that GP's are just that - General Practitioner's, and not specialists in anything really. I know some of them have special interests, but essentially they're gatekeepers to other services. I don't have any faith in the availability of other services, where I am living.
I think I'll stick to this forum, and my self-help books, and try to relate to my existing GP - give her a chance to get to know me, rather than project all my angst onto her - I need to be brave. I'll try...
GPs seem restricted to their training and what their licence allows them to do; even if they would like to treat patients differently - the rules may prohibit them.
The leaps I have made in my own healing, ever since I became aware I had PTSD (then later CPTSD), have come from so-called 'alternative' therapies, especially modalities that address the unseen, and generally unacknowledged by mainstream allopathic medicine and psychiatry, energy body. Trauma displaces, disturbs, fragments and disorganises the energy field, which in my experience, hugely contributed to feeling dissociated and unbalanced, anxious etc. This may be a new idea to most people, so I am just putting it out there for anyone interested.
Hi Fen Starshimmer,
I have read your ideas here - and find them interesting - what you said about energy fields being displaced, disturbed and disorganised. I am glad that you've found some 'alternative' therapies to be helpful.
It's funny, because I saw the 'quote' you'd put - and didn't realise at first that it was 'me' who said that initially - I thought - 'Wow, that's me - I said that' - it's like I often write things and then just don't realise that it was me who wrote it. I am always 'aware' at the time, but later, when I read things back, it often really surprises me what I've communicated.
Just felt the need to say that.
I would like to wish you the best with your recovery - and it's always nice to see you in the forum. :hug: to you, Fen Starshimmer. I am hoping to start re-reading Janina's book again very soon. I feel ready to read it again... I feel sure I'll get more out of it that way.
Hope :)
Hello Hope,
It's nice to connect with you again on here. I will look out for more posts from you about Janina Fisher's fabulous book in the Books section. I have been dipping into it again. I am up to chapter 5 on 'Befriending our Parts', and finding it so interesting. It's making so much sense. I really must make some time to find and identify my parts. I think a quiet morning would be the best time, after a meditation when I will be less easily triggered. I wish all GPs and trauma therapists could read and learn the methods set out in this book, or at least be aware of them, then they would be less likely to cause us more harm or misdiagnose us, as is too often the case.
I suppose it's natural to be taken by surprise when reading past writing now and again, especially if we have a strong inner critic. Maybe we got lost in our own little world for a while, like being dissociated, but in a positive way. ;D I think that happens to me sometimes, and I don't mind it at all. It's like an escapism. I always find your posts sensitively written, and you do seem to have a knack with words. :) Reading and writing on here can be a kind of therapy in itself, don't you think? Sharing is unburdening, an outlet for releasing emotional energy and having feelings validated. So important.
Wishing you a peaceful week of continued progress in your recovery. :hug:
Fen
Quote from: Fen Starshimmer on May 27, 2018, 08:51:15 PM
I really must make some time to find and identify my parts.
Dear Fen,
Thank you so much for this lovely reply, and I agree with you that finding some time to identify our parts - it's important. I would like to wish you the best with it. I have made a start, and I am trying to communicate and befriend my parts - it is going ok, although sometimes I feel like I'm making some progress, and then it's like I am unable to connect - it definitely varies!
I have mislayed Janina's book - I need to find it! I really want to re-read it - I had started to re-read it, and then got distracted by some other books. I am like a butterfly sometimes - never able to stick with any one thing - but maybe that's a combination of being lead by different 'parts' - and it might depend on what the dominant part is leading my personality - I don't mean that I'm unaware of things, merely that different elements of my personality seem to be dominant at different times in the day.
I wonder if you experience something similar, or whether it's different?
Anyway, wishing you a good week.
Hope :)
I can relate, Hope. My personality seems to be different at different types of the day.
Sometimes I like something new. Sometimes I like something routine. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I want to be with others.
We're all different, and I'm happy to hear you're trying to understand our complex natures. ;)
Hi SpacePasta,
Thanks for your reply and it is helpful to hear your perspectives - how your personality seems to be different at different times of the day - I do relate to that. Understanding our complex natures, yes, that is what I try to do for myself, and I also try to understand other people too - and it is fascinating and like you say - we're all different. But it's good we can relate to one another's experiences and help each other.
Hope :)