Yesterday I had an incident and I have been upset with my reaction, which was absolutely nothing. I was shocked but tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Today I realize, I thought, I can't believe he just did that (touched my legs, above my knee) but after that I lost his face. What happened wasn't a big deal, but it triggered me and I was upset with my response. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I didn't even realize until today how much I dissociated. Below is a line from the article and the link below it. It explains really well what happened to me, but I don't feel it provides much hope in how to stop it.
a child who "froze" during incidents of frightening family abuse is, as an adult, especially susceptible to experience the freezing reaction again.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/trauma-and-the-freeze-response-good-bad-or-both
I can totally relate. I too froze often (as well as Pete Walker's "Fawn" response). I hate that about myself, when I feel it happening.
I have a similar trigger, like when someone touches me in a way I'm not a fan of like that, even not-knowingly, why can't I just say "don't touch me like that" or "i don't like that". But no, I freeze, dissociate, etc. Like, a couple of family members do this thing where they like to pat your bottom. As a friendly gesture I guess? I usually avoid their presence or quickly move away when I see them coming, or if they do it, I move away rather than assert myself more firmly. I did tell an uncle SEVERAL times not to sneak up and poke me in the ribs. The last time I got really mad and left. He finally got the message and last time I saw him he said to someone else "whatever you do don't poke her in the ribs!" I said, Yep! That's right! I don't think people realize that really sets a HSP off in a way that our nerves cannot recover for several hours. But I digress.
Quote from: Phoebes on February 09, 2018, 06:34:26 PM
Like, a couple of family members do this thing where they like to pat your bottom. As a friendly gesture I guess?
They might think so, but if it bothers you, then it's not.
Quote from: Dee on February 09, 2018, 05:41:24 PM
...after that I lost his face. ... The rest of the conversation was a blur.
This tells me how badly triggered you were, and that the situation wasn't 'nothing'.
Quote from: Dee on February 09, 2018, 05:41:24 PM
The article: It explains really well what happened to me, but I don't feel it provides much hope in how to stop it.
The article might not provide much hope, but I have hope for you! My therapy has helped me a lot in this area.
I want due if it wad okay to talk I depth about this. But now that you've brought it up....
I did a little reading today in the body keeps the score where he talks about it. (I was going to post something but chickened out) He explained that it's due to a nervous system that's still raw from injury but that it can decrease or disappear with more healing. I can try to find you some actual quotes if you want.
Phoebes, thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I found it interesting that you were able to use your voice with your uncle, but not others. Was it because you saw it coming or after the fact, or his actions different? It certainly sounds like a victory to me.
TR, I would like to have seen the post you chickened out of :hug:. I should get the book. I bought it once, but then I accidentally gave it away (with other books) and I hadn't even opened it yet. I would be interested in what you found out.
Quote from: Dee on February 10, 2018, 02:54:32 PM
TR, I would like to have seen the post you chickened out of :hug:. I should get the book. I bought it once, but then I accidentally gave it away (with other books) and I hadn't even opened it yet. I would be interested in what you found out.
Me too.
I feel so guilty whenever I freeze like that, it's so hard to remember it's beyond our control.
Ah, thanks for validating me. I've really beat myself up over this, it is nice to know I am not alone. I just thought I had improved enough to not do that but we can't tell until we are put to the test.
I think you've improved the things you can control, you've made immense improvement in those parts. You noticed something happened, you asked yourself what the trigger was, understood how the puzzle fit together. It didn't take you months to figure it out, it only took a day! That's amazing improvement.
But in the first moment our body runs the show, it freezes to save itself from further harm. It's beyond our control.
I think if I were in the same situation I'd feel so guilty and shamed, but you did nothing wrong. You were triggered, and it made perfect sense. Everything you did made perfect sense.
It can be so so humiliating... because our culture idolizes actions, it adores people who make a lot of noise... who stand up and speak confidently about things. Who start doing this :pissed: even if they say absolute nonsense, they're admired for it if they're confident about it. I think our society sees freezing as weak and bad, as a problem, and piles on guilt on already traumatized people for no good reason. Maybe it isn't any of those things though, as it's totally instinctive. It does feel awful afterward but maybe it's very painful, but not bad?
(These are the things I think when I feel angry at myself for freezing again...)
Dee, I still freeze too. I work as a server and a barista. Especially at the first one people can feel the need to touch me or say things they really shouldn't. I freeze and don't ever say or do anything about it. I have had it happen outsid eof work but it is the first thing that came to mind. You are not alone in this :hug:
It's odd, and instructive, hearing you talk about it in this context. I'm sorry you get triggered like this, and that so many guys are so poorly behaved.
Freezing is the core pattern for me as well. It's triggered by any sense that i've said or done something "wrong" or am dissapointing in some way. Internal sense -- it need not be stated, or even be true. But I freeze, dissociate, lose connection with my true self. Very often in the most intimate moments -- and I feel like a deer in the headlights, unable to respond in any meaningful way.
So, yes I recognize this. And the shame that follows. And the frustration with how it constricts my possibilities. As others have said, you are not alone.
But it's interesting the differences too. For you the freezing keeps you from saying no, and escaping. For me it keeps me from engaging and connecting. Lots to ponder.
(And yes. I froze as a child too.)
Gwyon, I am sorry you experience this as well but am thankful for your input. It is interesting to hear how everyone's freeze responses get triggered under similar but different circumstances. It is a lot to ponder, as you put it.
I don't always recognize that I do this, and appreciate you all for helping me think more clearly about these moments
I also appreciate everyones responses. I feel validated, that I am not alone.
Maybe role playing would help on this one. I had once before, but apparently once was not enough. Also it wasn't with a male, that seems scary.
:hug: :hug:
Just the thought of role playing with a male makes me tense up and shiver a little.( This is not to insult any of our wonderful male members I promise) my abuse happened with women too but for some reason I freeze more automatically around men. hmmm more things to ponder actually
Dee I am proud of you for managing to role play it even once, that takes a lot of bravery. I haven't gotten to the stage of being able to role play anything, although I do want to one day
I am saddened and angry that so many males have caused so much trauma for young women, and that our female members suffer for it.
But the irony is that all my childhood trauma was caused by women.
The two facts stated above result in a bit of cognitive dissonance for me.
Dee, I think it's because this was more recent, later in life, and I had had enough of that. It wasn't very graceful, and I find it weird how my family doesn't respect people's boundaries. So obnoxious. Maybe I felt if he was going to act like a child and keep poking me when I asked him not to, it was easier to assert myself as the adult of the situation. lol
Gwyon, I totally understand the cognitive dissonance that's would occur there. Thank you for recognizing how much men have done to the female members here. I have an odd perspective because I had sexual abuse from both genders for large periods of time. Abuse from either is truly terrible, I am sorry you experienced that.
Phoebes, I am glad you could assert yourself. It is truly obnoxious they insist on pushing your boundaries
So I know I am bringing back a somewha old thread, but it happened today at work with a coworker of mine. I froze and let it happen more than once because she is generally a safe human being. I let it be because I didn't know how to react.. I just froze... :Idunno: :'(
safe :hug: if that's OK otherwise just standing with you. Been there, done that i.e. let that happen.
Not knowing how to react is part of it. Not being able to react is another part. Sucks.
Blueberry, the safe hug is good right now. Thank you :hug:
Dee, it is frustrating. Both parts truly do suck, and I find myself so frustrated at myself today
I understand that so much. That was how I felt when I started this thread. It's like we practice, work, and when in the situation forget it all. I can only hope that it highlighted what I need to work on more on so when it is more serious I can react in a better way.
That is a good way to frame it, Dee. If it is okay I may use that a little bit to help my own feelings on this
Of course you can use it. :hug:
Thank you, Dee :hug: :hug: