Having been in therapy for ten years, on my seventh therapist, she has deduced from various signals that I was molested as a young child (3-4 years old), by my best friend of the same age, and her father.
I have clear memories of my friend molesting me, but don't exactly feel traumatised by them. I do feel that there is a 'door' I'm unable to to open, and as if I was witness to a terrible event like a murder. We are currently using hypnotherapy to explore the past, and I'm hoping I can get concrete enough memories to go to the police.
I'm sure many other people can relate, but I have an incessant push and pull between belief and denial. Half the time I think I've made it all up and it can't be true; that I'm being attention-seeking and dramatic. My therapist (and also my very rational boyfriend who has listened to all the evidence) both tell me it sounds very likely to be true. But I just can't believe it, and generally can't connect with it as an absolute truth. I have other moments where I feel like I've always known it.
But this is the problem- yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist to discuss medication options, and of course I had to bring up this relevant stuff in a C-PTSD context. At the end he told me he thought that the repressed/recovered memories from therapy were 'probably made up', and that the abuse never happened. This was from talking to me for one hour, where I barely went into details about what the 'evidence' was.
When, inevitably, survivors are fraught with denial and self-blame, I was very surprised he was so quick to accuse me of making it up (unconsciously). This is in stark contrast to my therapist who I have been seeing twice a week for the last year, who seems very certain it is true.
I don't know if the world of psychiatric treatment is extremely flawed, but these mixed messages are very damaging. Now I have no idea who to trust, and feel closed off to any internal exploration, as I feel embarrassed if there is even a possibility I've just been very suggestible, and made it all up.
What do people think about these kinds of professional divides? Has anyone had experience with being shut down like that?
This makes me so mad! Professionals are supposed to help, not injure you further. To be talked to for only one hour and then to be so dismissed and invalidated says to me this man had an agenda! He's not interested in the truth. Just my opinion.
There have been lots of things said about repressed memories. Statistics show that CPA/CSA victims are more likely to minimize the abuse than to talk about and/or accept it! We explain it away, we rationalize, we blame ourselves.
There is still a great deal of misinformation and misunderstanding about this phenomenon. When I looked up "repressed memories", I was shocked to read current articles expressing disbelief they exist! However, when you look up dissociative amnesia, the result is quite different.
I know for a fact that my mind suppressed some very difficult memories. The truth always existed beneath the surface, and I can see now the many times my mind attempted to reveal the truth to me. However, I refused to look.
The key for me has been information. Two books (that I recommend so often I feel like I should get a commission :D) that were completely validating are "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving".
(Audio version of "The Body..." https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg Part 1, and https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ Part 2)
Trust your instincts. I hope to hear more from you!
:heythere:
I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your providers should be a team, working together. As with any other profession, there are people who are good at their job and those that are not. Unlike most other professions the damage of inept providers can ruin lives.
Follow your heart.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you are making great progress with your trusted support (T & BF). To have someone in a position of authority/power be dismissive and invalidating is truly detrimental. I might suggest talking to your T about this and perhaps asking if they know or can refer you to some one else. As Dee said your care team needs to be a team and on the same page. I personally don't think an hour is enough time to have made any kind of assessment let alone a conclusion. The comment was irresponsible and unprofessional.
I think it is very difficult for survivors of abuse to be able to trust themselves, their own minds, and their intuition. There is a lot of gaslighting and manipulation that goes on around abusive events. It challenges our reality and perception of what happened. What we know to be true vs. what we were/are being told happened.
My entire life I have felt like there was something in the back of my mind. But I didn't know what. It hunted me. A shadow of something I didn't know. It caused me pain, paranoia, and suffering. I recovered a memory recently from when I was little under 2. Part of being able to do that was listening and understanding to my bodys reaction to certain things. My subconscious was reacting and my mind would put a stop to it because it is wired to do that. Until I didn't need it to do that anymore and I learned a truth. My truth.
It sounds to me that you have experienced a traumatic event that has impacted your life. I think your subconscious knows this. Somewhere in there is your truth. Even if it is not the narrative that is currently being told and may be something else there is something there.
Should you need it;
I stand on my truth and uphold you with strength and courage on your journey to find yours.
It sounds like this man (the one that says it's not true) is not a very professional one, and not a very good one. No one can tell you if what you're saying is true or not only with a conversation of 1 hour. Professionals need months, sometimes years to be able to say this things. My opinion is that yyou should see a new one.
Quote from: SAL27 on December 08, 2017, 01:25:10 PM
I do feel that there is a 'door' I'm unable to to open, and as if I was witness to a terrible event like a murder.
In addition to what others have written, this sounds very telling to me.
Quote from: SAL27 on December 08, 2017, 01:25:10 PM
I have clear memories of my friend molesting me, but don't exactly feel traumatised by them.
This could be a defense mechanism till you get to a place in life where you can deal and heal. Doesn't mean that the molestation didn't happen or whatever else the psychiatrist thought.
I am so sorry you experienced this behaviour from a psychiatrist SAL27.
I agree with the others. He doesn't sound very professional in the way he conducted the session and was so quick to come to those conclusions. You don't need another person to invalidate you, lead you further into self-doubt, least of all, a so-called professional. Get out as fast as you can, is my advice. Sounds like your T was doing good work with you until this guy came along and made you confused.
I am reading 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel Van Der Kolk and can't recommend it highly enough. Only last night I was reading the chapter on amnesia and dissociation and re-enactment. Traumatic memories and ordinary memories are different, he says, explaining that traumatic memories become lost to ordinary consciousness because either: circumstances made a reaction impossible, or because they started during "severely paralysing affects, such as fright" (Breuer and Freud). Freud acknowledged the reality of CSA in traumatic memories. These and other buried, fragmented, traumatic memories can get re-enacted when triggered. I am fascinated by this, because I think most of my life has been affected by repeated unconscious re-enactments of CSA. Freud said, "if a person does not remember, he is likely to act it out. He reproduces it not as a memory, but as an action; he repeats it, without knowing, that he is repeating, and in the end, we understand that this is his way of remembering." Total memory loss is most common in CSA - 19% to 38% incidence. (page 191) These are from my notes taken from the book. It's probably better to read it :)
Fen, i can't agree with you more! That is a book I'd count as indispensable to me. It's also available to listen for free on YouTube - Part 1, https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg and Part 2 https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ
as a professional in this field, i absolutely hate this kind of dismissal. these kinds of people give the helping professions a bad name. i've incurred this type of thing from t's, massage therapists, docs - it runs the gamut.
the number one rule of the helping professions is 'first, do no harm.' someone who causes you to doubt yourself in such a manner, after such a short time and with no follow-up is breaking that rule, in my opinion. we've been invalidated, dismissed, and denied too much in our lives already.
i truly believe that if you feel something is there, it is there. you just might not be ready to open that door yet. in your time, at your pace, it will be opened. our minds take care of us as best they can to keep us from being overwhelmed with information before we're ready to deal with it.
best to you with this. for me, i would trust the person with whom you've had a long-term relationship that has been helping you, rather than one who invalidates you in an hour. big hug.
I had the same experience SAL27. I immediately returned to my GP and expressed that I felt invalidated and would not be returning to that psych.
My T was much more constructive.
Thank you so much for so many reaffirming and supportive comments. It feels good to be heard by wise and empathetic people!
Today I was dismayed to receive a copy of the referral letter from said psychiatrist to my therapist and a GP at my local clinic (to the WRONG GP if you can believe!), in which he reiterates his offensive view points.
He restated that "I would question the validity of her recovered memories as reflecting possible child sexual abuse. Such memories, which arise in the context of therapy, are often found to be false." This is simply not true..
And for a patronising and downright dangerous sign-off, he suggested, "I have encouraged her to talk to her therapist regarding the issues of recovered memory within the therapy context and to have a more sceptical and open view about their validity." So he wants me to continue to blame myself for my problems, and refuse to open my eyes to real-life nightmares that have been buried for 23 years, affecting every single facet of my life?
I'm rather shocked, and along side this I'm currently receiving hypnotherapy which is unfortunately proving that, indeed, there are repressed memories of CSA. Yet I still can't help but feel humiliated by his words, very misunderstood, and as usual unsure about anything.
Thank you for everyone's support and sharing their own experiences. It means a lot x
I believe you! I'll say again, I've recovered memories too, and they're not false. I can tell the difference between things that are true and things that are not, in my memory. I'm guessing this dude is old and is stuck in his antiquated views of the brain and memory.
Hang in there!
:heythere:
Quote from: SAL27 on December 18, 2017, 05:29:30 PM
Thank you so much for so many reaffirming and supportive comments. It feels good to be heard by wise and empathetic people!
Today I was dismayed to receive a copy of the referral letter from said psychiatrist to my therapist and a GP at my local clinic (to the WRONG GP if you can believe!), in which he reiterates his offensive view points.
He restated that "I would question the validity of her recovered memories as reflecting possible child sexual abuse. Such memories, which arise in the context of therapy, are often found to be false." This is simply not true..
And for a patronising and downright dangerous sign-off, he suggested, "I have encouraged her to talk to her therapist regarding the issues of recovered memory within the therapy context and to have a more sceptical and open view about their validity." So he wants me to continue to blame myself for my problems, and refuse to open my eyes to real-life nightmares that have been buried for 23 years, affecting every single facet of my life?
I'm rather shocked, and along side this I'm currently receiving hypnotherapy which is unfortunately proving that, indeed, there are repressed memories of CSA. Yet I still can't help but feel humiliated by his words, very misunderstood, and as usual unsure about anything.
Thank you for everyone's support and sharing their own experiences. It means a lot x
That feels so infuriating! He has no right to say such a things! I'm sorry you have to deal with such an awful person.
Quote from: SAL27 on December 18, 2017, 05:29:30 PM
He restated that "I would question the validity of her recovered memories as reflecting possible child sexual abuse. Such memories, which arise in the context of therapy, are often found to be false." This is simply not true..
I hope you never have to see this man again. Invalidation is hurtful and counterproductive to recovery.
It's unfortunate that there are psychs like him out there, as they must be causing a great deal of distress to traumatised people.
Hopefully, in time, you will be able to put this behind you, as experience. :hug:
SAL27,
My immediate thought is to praise you, and all of us, for having the self awareness of how abusive our situations are or were to not be pushed any further to relent.
To acknowledge and proclaim that a 'professional' in their field is not only incorrect, but disrespectful. How is that for taking the power of our minds and bodies back?
I admit to taking it a step further and vocalising these things to the relevant therapist, etc, and stating that I will not use this particular 'professional' again. I guess that is what is called 'growing some balls' but... looking down I literally don't have any. Turns out they're not actually necessary to the cause ;)
I hope you never have to see him again at the very, very least. I know you never ever have to see him again if that is what you want.
:hug:
Contessa
SAL27,
I believe you, truly and completely. I have been living with ptsd since 1994. I now know that it's cptsd. Not till last year, when nearly all of my memories came back, did I learn that my trauma experience stretches back 42 years to when I was 2 years old. I wasn't looking for anything, but was triggered while doing a mandatory online training at work, about workplace sa and harassment. It didn't do anything till the 3rd day after the training. Now I have to keep it all under lock and key, and strictly controlled. Which I'm no good at. Anyway, it's more than I can handle.
I had a therapist from the Veterans Hospital, who just retired last week, without telling me, after 3 years. He was pretty good, but really didn't understand or get what I've been through...and that's just talking about what happened while I was in the U.S. Marines. Living under constant threat of death and much worse, from one of my abusers, even as a Marine, is so much more traumatizing than he was allowing for. It was only at the last 2 sessions that I even mentioned my childhood.
While I never felt dismissed, I surely felt misunderstood and way out of his league. Also same for a therapist I had for 6 months through private insurance. She was also good, but way out of her league as well. I am seeing a new t on Monday, after 3 months of no t. I really hope she has some understanding of cptsd and extensive trauma as well. We all need to feel heard and validated by the professionals we see for help and treatment, otherwise they are just retraumatizing us.
I can't believe there's still so much ignorance about repressed memories. Knowledge of it has been around forever and there's tons of scientific proof. This ignorance is so damaging and wrong. They just let others tell them what to believe and don't look into it themselves. Doesn't anyone care about reality, facts, science, and most of all the victims of abuse?
Cygnus,
Many do believe, but are too afraid of their professional selves being misaligned by following their hearts, instead of going with the flow. I think maybe that they don't realize how much harm they are doing to us, by denying what we know to be true...because we are still living it.
I never ever doubted anyone's claims of not remembering, or remembering something so lost and forgotten. While I never remembered my own abuse, all my life, I always felt somehow, that others were telling the truth about this.
Hi SAL27, I can so relate to your post, because I had a repressed body memory come up during bodywork many years ago, and told a T about it (a male T) who told me "even if it's true, it's best to leave it in the past - it might not be true so it's better to just leave it alone" - I was like, huh? Nice solution!
I have been to many T's in the past, but I have not been to any since I became conscious of what I believe happened to me at about age 6 (and possibly multiple times much younger). Part of my memory is blacked out, but the physical memory is vivid, always has been. I don't listen to or trust T's for the final word on anything in my life and you know why? Because every single one of them never properly diagnosed me with what I now know is C-PTSD! How could they not have figured out that my family are N/B PDs? How could they not tell I was a survivor of psych. abuse? I find it infuriating. I got every other diagnosis based on symptoms like anxiety & depression & codependency. But it had to take me into middle age to finally realize the real problem? And I had to figure it out on my own? Yes! This is why I honestly don't care if I never go to another T again. Part of me thinks it could help if I present them with what I know first & they're willing to work with it, but part of me doesn't care & just wants to therapize myself.
I would say trust your gut instinct, you know on some level even if it's not consciously clear. The body knows, the heart knows, the emotions know.