Hi all. This is my first post. Short background - I was in a very abusive relationship for five years, which I ended almost a decade ago. I had to get help from the police to end it.
Since then I saw a therapist, moved on with my life... A few years ago I got some health problems, which lead to depression, and I contacted my abuser again. It was the biggest mistake of my life. For the past six months he has been destroying me. All these years I had nightmares, flashbacks, and general ptsd symptoms, and now I have new traumas on top of the old. He picked up right where he left off. He is manipulating me, making me feel inadequate, stupid, crazy. Putting me down constantly, blaming me for things, taking his anger out on me, swearing at me. I beg him to stop. I feel so humiliated and degraded. I feel destroyed.
I'm older now. It's harder to deal with. I feel so weak, yet unable to leave due to the trauma bond. I love him still. How is this possible? It's like the curse of my life, to love a monster who makes me wish I would die. Please, if you have any advice, I would appreciate it. I can't go on like this. My soul is shattered. He took everything from me.
Hi Achilles, welcome, I’m so sorry that you feel yourself drawn into this traumabond again. Sometimes, when we are in a vulnerable state, we are a prey for predators. You mentioned how chronic pain and depression drove you back into his arms.
So you had a setback. That’s okay, don’t beat yourself up for it. Let’s analyse this together.
Do you know what drove you to him in the first place? Is there something in your past, in your FOO (Family Of Origin) that made you insecure of yourself? Sometimes our caregivers didn’t give us what we needed, so we’re deprived of love and we are therefor an easy prey for people who take advantage of us.
Maybe it helps you to realize that this isn’t real love. I don’t think he is capable of that.
Maybe you want to share more about your story so we can talk about this.
Take care
Lingurine
Lingurine, thank you so much for your reply.
My family of origin...My mother was cruel sometimes to my sister and me when we were kids. My mom sometimes said that she wished she didn't have me and that she was happier before I was born. I remember one time, when I was 5, she told me to get out of her sight and refused to talk to me for hours. I cried and begged her to talk to me, but she refused. There was physical abuse as well.
I'm sure this is at the root of my low self-esteem. I feel inadequate, and I'm drawn to people who make me feel like I need to earn their approval. I end up begging my ex for scraps. It's so humiliating.
edit
I know all about abuse and narcissism. I'm educated. And yet still, I allow him to make me feel so low, so degraded. Some days he's nice to me. Other days he dismisses me like I'm a pile of trash. I definitely think he is not capable of real, genuine love. I know he's not capable of having a healthy relationship. The answer here is for me to walk away and get my life back. But I don't know if I have the strength.
I always wished he'd shown remorse for what he did to me. I wanted an apology, since I never got one. Talking to him again was a horrible mistake, and I deeply regret it.
Achilles, you're talking about an abusive relationship. I'm wondering whether you're in danger. If so I've copied from our Emergency page:
If you are in a domestic violence situation, call the police if the threat is immediate. Otherwise, consult the following website for resources worldwide:
Hot Peach contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net
Even if you're not in actual physical danger, these or other resources on domestic violence might help you to take steps to leave the situation forever.
BTW, welcome here! Keep posting and/or reading if and as you want. That can help too.
Thank you for your reply Blueberry. I don't think I'm in danger (I don't live with him). I appreciate you reminding me to seek out some resources. I have no health insurance right now, so I can't really afford counseling in addition to my other medical expenses. But I know it would be helpful for me to talk to someone about what's going on.
achilles, welcome. This is a good crowd so sit down and we'll bring you a hot drink.
What you are experiencing seems to be a common pattern, you are feeding this man's narcissism which isn't doing anyone any good. People stay with abusers, it's a sadly common pattern and there are well know reasons. What feels like love can be a sense of failure, shame and a host of other things that can feel like love. But it's not love. Really. Love is only possible when there is an exchange of respect and that is not what is happening. All you can do is get out of there and find the real thing. There are many very good people out there, push the narcs aside and look for them.
Thank you for your reply JamesG.
I know this isn't love. I have this deep-seated need for him to love me. All these years I wanted his validation and approval. I know it's so unhealthy, and I shouldn't be allowing his voice any space in my mind. He is completely toxic. After he yells and swears at me, he goes on with his day while I feel gutted. I told myself I would never let anyone treat me this way again, and here I am. I feel so stupid for this.
I do believe I will get the courage and strength to walk away, for good. I did it before and I can do it again. It just feels so hard right now. Yesterday he hurt me so horribly, and I'm still reeling from it. I know he will never change; I know exactly what he is. I need to work on building up my strength and confidence.
Why do you think you have a "deep-seated need for him to love me"? Perhaps it is co-dependency from an abuser, sort of a Stockholm Syndrome effect, does that sound possible? One thing is that he is gaslighting you if he lies about what you know is true.
Thank you for your reply Hank.
I do think I have a sort of Stockholm Syndrome effect, yes. What happens is, he attacks me with a slew of insults and makes sure I feel down. Then, the next day he acts all sweet and affectionate. It's confusing and puts me on edge. But then I get a sense of relief and happiness that he's being nice again. He knows I crave his kindness and compassion, so he uses it to control me. It's his currency. I know this is all about power and control, and I fell right back into the trap. I feel so embarrassed that I let this happen. He's a textbook narcissist.
Yes, he is gaslighting me. He told me that in the past, before I left him, I was just too young and immature (he is a decade older than me), and we had "problems communicating". The way I remember it, he called me horrible names, laughed in my face when I cried, and told me to shut up all the time. I know the truth, but I'm afraid to stand up for myself because I know it will enrage him.
The issue here is, why do I care? Why do I care if he gets angry? If he never talks to me again, he will be doing me a favor. That would be a huge blessing, and I should throw a party and celebrate... and yet still, I feel addicted to the times when he is nice to me. This intermittent reinforcement is extremely effective.
I know I deserve better. Being here is already helping me put things in perspective.
spartan life coach... youtube... now
I never heard of spartan life coach...I'll go take a look now.
Thank you for the recommendation. This is already giving me some validation. I read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft years ago, and I think I should read it again. Now I'll go back to watching spartan life coach.
I just watched "20 signs you're with a covert narcissist". My ex has every single sign. I always knew he was a narcissist, but this is really eye-opening.
Years ago, he used to tell me that he hated how anxious I was around him. I'd stutter and be jittery and on edge because I was terrified of making him angry. It took me a long time to work through this and be able to interact with people normally. Now I'm starting to get really anxious again, and he tells me that I'm crazy and unstable. Yet he's the one causing it.
I need to get out of this. I hate seeing myself crumble with each passing day. My self-care is terrible, my health is declining.
Sorry for all these posts, I'm finding it helpful to write about this.
I went down a huge rabbit hole of the spartan life coach :). I'm actually feeling a lot better than I did earlier today. I got through the day.
There's a good quote I saw recently that goes something like "Don't look for healing at the feet of those who broke you." It really resonates with me.
Achilles, you started talking to him again, what you regret now. Thinking about Achilles, he was a warrior in the Trojan war and was shot in the Achilles heel with an arrow. Maybe that’s what you feel, like you’re in a warzone and can’t run away because of the arrow in your foot. He was a brave Hero and you are too. You did this before, so you can do it again. Pull the arrow out, put a band aid on it and protect your Achilles from being hurt again.
It’s so important to validate yourself again.
BTW spartan life coach is a great help.
Let us know how you are doing.
Lingurine
Thank you for your reply LIngurine.
I'm anxious this morning, but I feel better than yesterday. I didn't talk to him yesterday, and that helps. I'm really tired at the moment, but I'll return later.
achilles, your story sounds familiar to me because I went back to FOO (family of origin) after being pretty much estranged for a good number of years. Quite a number of things all happened again. At this precise moment I don't feel stupid about it but undoubtedly I have in the past. I probably don't need to tell you that we have no reason to feel stupid, going back is just a sign of how far along we are in healing, or how far we aren't along ;)
I've gone very low contact again, and know that FOO isn't going to change. So I have to protect myself, including by refusing contact.
I'm glad you're not actually living with this man.
Thank you for your reply Blueberry. I'm glad you're protecting yourself now. It's so hard to enforce boundaries.
He texted me and asked if I'm okay. I answered yes. Why did I engage? I'm flooded with anxiety now and feel like I'm going to throw up.
I'm exhausted.
He just sent me a long message about a tv show he's watching. Normally I'd eagerly read it and reply, happy that he took the time to talk to me. Normally I'd fall right back in the trap and be delighted that he gave me any attention at all. But right now it just makes me feel sick. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't stand seeing his words on the screen, I can't stand myself. So I'm not going to read it and I'm not going to reply, at least night now.
This is a good thing. I can feel something in me changing, just like it did years ago before I left. I need to protect myself, protect my mental health from this monster. It's a process. Bit by bit I'll stop needing his approval. I lived just fine without him for years...I can do it again...this time for good.
I don't have any real-life support. I appreciate this space to talk about my feelings, I needed an outlet.
Quote from: achilles on October 10, 2017, 04:40:56 PM
So I'm not going to read it and I'm not going to reply, at least night now.
:thumbup: :thumbup: The more we practise healthy responses (in this case not responding), the easier it is to keep going with that.
Have you ever been to 12 Step groups? They have useful slogans like "just for now", "just for 24 hours". So instead of thinking "oh, no! How am I going to manage like this for the rest of my life??", break time down into much smaller doses. That can help. I don't go to 12 Step meetings anymore but I used to, especially useful at a time when I had next to no friends IRL.
Quote from: achilles on October 10, 2017, 04:40:56 PM
I can feel something in me changing, just like it did years ago before I left. I need to protect myself, protect my mental health from this monster. It's a process. Bit by bit I'll stop needing his approval. I lived just fine without him for years...I can do it again...this time for good.
This is good self-talk! It's so good that you can feel something changing in yourself. Keep up the good work. :cheer: :cheer: I'm rooting for you. Come on here and use this space as an outlet any time.
Thank you for your reply Blueberry. I appreciate the support I've been getting here.
I held strong and didn't talk to him since Tuesday. Typically I talk to him every day, so this is new for me. Last night he sent me a couple messages, but I can't bring myself to answer (which is a good thing!). I've been working on my self-care instead of obsessing over him. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up, but like you said Blueberry, it's one day at a time. I have never been to a 12-step group, but I am familiar with some of their concepts.
You can do this Achilles, you are stronger than you think. :cheer:
Lingurine
Thank you Lingurine.
I started missing him, so I'm posting here instead to get my feelings out. I haven't contacted him in three days. I have a lot of conflicting emotions right now. I'm exhausted. In the past month I was hit by this overwhelming tiredness from the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I'm also so angry. I have to recover from the abuse he unleashed on me, while he doesn't care at all. I have to pay for all the damage he caused - for the second time. I'm full of so much shame for letting him hurt me again. I told myself I would never let anyone swear at me again, and it took just a few months before he'd worn me down to the point where I not only let it slide, but I ended up apologizing to him for making him mad. I hate that I let myself get so degraded.
The pattern always was that he'd be cold, or downright mean and nasty, and then once in a while give me a snippet of affection. And I'd indulge the fantasy that maybe he'd change and become kind and loving. But he never did and never will. I need to face reality here. I hate that I have this trauma bond, hate that I have this attachment to someone who makes me feel so low, so degraded, and so worthless. It's not fair that I have to pay for the pain he caused.
I feel better now that I got that out. I'm accepting that he will never understand. He is not capable of genuine love. But I won't allow myself to feel sorry for him because he does not deserve my sympathy. After all, he never had any for me.
Quote from: achilles on October 13, 2017, 07:12:45 PM
I started missing him, so I'm posting here instead to get my feelings out. I haven't contacted him in three days.
...
I feel better now that I got that out. I'm accepting that he will never understand. He is not capable of genuine love. But I won't allow myself to feel sorry for him because he does not deserve my sympathy. After all, he never had any for me.
Way to go achilles :cheer: :cheer: Stay strong, and come on here to post or just read, when you need it.
Kind of like 12 step concepts: go to a meeting (or come on here to share) instead of the addiction (to a substance or person or activity).
spartan life coach is amazing, you can go from this whirlpool of confusion toa really good understanding of the process in a very short time. It all feels unique, singular and personal but so many of the patterns we all talk about in here seem universal. Narcs exploit a weakness in human nature, namely being human. They subvert decency and humanity and turn it on itself. Learn all you can and know, that deep down, they are very scared and very weak people relying utterly on other people's decency to save them from the terror of existing. Once you start to see it their strength is halved, they will feel it instantly too, because the confidence trick they have been counting on for so long is suddenly useless. Knowledge is power. Prepare your battlefield, learn about that tactics they use, learn about the instinctive results they are counting on in others and then switch the monsters off. It's easier than you think. Don't expect a dramatic closure, look to switch the supply one notch at a time. Then go, and don't go back.
Thank you for your support Blueberry and JamesG.
I didn't talk to him in four days now. Every time I have a moment of weakness I remind myself of all the ways he hurt me. I don't want to talk to him, I wouldn't know what to say - I can't pretend everything is okay and shoot the breeze; nor can I tell him how I've been feeling, because he doesn't care and he would just beat me down even more for it. But I also don't want to make a dramatic announcement that it's over. So I feel a little frozen.
In the meantime I'm taking care of myself - getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, taking a walk and getting fresh air. I'm trying to sit with my emotions and then let them pass. I actually slept better the past few days too, although I am still extremely exhausted.
I took a nap and had a nightmare about him. I woke up anxious all over again. I wish I could get some relief from this.
I always knew he didn't care about me. I know he is a very weak person, a very fearful person, deep down. I know his patterns, his constant need to gain power and control over people. I'm not the first woman he abused and I'm sure I won't be the last.
There is much I have to be grateful for, despite this dark cloud over me, so I'm trying to focus on those things.
the best thing to do is let it wither on the vine, rather than a big announcement. He'll take an announcement as a challenge, just keep not being available but make it seem as normal as you can, but keep it up and watch for shifting tactics. Once you start you have to finish. Funny, but you've changed so much in tone since you first posted, really great to see. Spartan life coach can really throw light on all this.
Thank you JamesG. It's been 5 days now and holding strong. He texted me a few times but I ignored it.
Last night I hardly slept, I kept being plagued by intrusive thoughts and anxiety, alternating emotions of anger, hurt, and sadness. I know logically I don't miss him - I don't like him or respect him. There's nothing there to like, it's just the trauma bond playing tricks on me. I gave him so much over the past few months, my time, energy, attention, thoughts, love, trust, and he didn't appreciate any of it. In fact, he told me I didn't appreciate him.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he said or didn't say. Analyzing it is a waste of time. The only way to win with an abuser is not to play. I don't care if he gets angry, or tries to make me feel sorry for him, or stops reaching out to me at all. I'm not going to respond. I've been hurt enough, I have no more to give.
Bingo! You've got it! No going back now, you've crossed the canyon. Welcome to normal. There will be bumps and dips, trauma recovery is never a straight line, but it will all be progress now. It's worth every single second. Big hug to you, you broke the chains. x
Thank you. This is quite an accomplishment, as I haven't been able to go more than two days without contact prior to this. My biggest hurdle is filling up the time. I need to brainstorm some ideas for things to do to replace him in my life, since I spent a great deal of time on him.
gotcha... well what are your talents and interests? If you have energy why not just hit exercise? Anything is better than a narc. Clean a freeway with a toothpick, trust me, its better.
QuoteAt the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he said or didn't say. Analyzing it is a waste of time. The only way to win with an abuser is not to play.
Yes! Great realization :cheer:
QuoteClean a freeway with a toothpick, trust me, its better.
:rofl:
I agree
Thank you JamesG and Three Roses. Lol, cleaning a freeway with a toothpick is funny :).
I don't have much energy for exercise, but I try to take a walk almost every day. I have other interests, like writing, but I have no motivation right now. I've been trying to spend free time watching funny movies and reading light books, cleaning the house, playing with my dog, talking to my sister...I haven't told a single person in real life that I was in contact with him all this time. I was ashamed of it.
But I know that this is how the process goes. It hurts, there's no other way around it, and I definitely don't want to lose all the hard work I've been putting in the past few days. I can do this, but the days feel so long. I have achieved many things, and gotten through a lot of challenges, without him there. I can keep on getting through life without him.
Please pardon all the posts, I need an outlet.
I'm experiencing this flood of anger and shame right now. Anger for all the times he would invalidate or dismiss how I felt, and when I (foolishly) begged him to give me compassion and patience, he'd respond with rage and contempt.
I feel so indignant right now, that he re-traumatized me - and I let him. I keep forgetting that he's a narcissist, he literally cannot love, and yet I feel like I must have done something to deserve his wrath, his contempt, his scorn. I start to feel inadequate and ugly, even though I know I am not. He embedded himself into my mind, and I held the door wide open.
Ugh! I just hate this, hate these feelings. The shame, the anger, the inadequacy, the grief. I should be celebrating my freedom, and instead I'm pining for someone who did not even exist.
Okay. It helped to express all of that.
i wish this was a happy post. i broke no contact. i regret it already.
im in tears. im groveling. why...why...im so weak. i have no self-control. im so stupid.
You are not stupid! It's very normal to not be able to break away, cleanly.
Here, have a look: https://youtu.be/tQDTWqIRryA
Then give yourself a big hug, and know that everything comes when you are ready. :hug:
i hate myself so much right now. someone put me out of my misery. why do i have to be so stupid.
I told him that what he did last weekend hurt me a great deal. And true to form, he said my perceptions were wrong, and I'm looking to be hurt by anything. And then he went and played his video games....
Why don't I ever learn. He does not care. If I'm hurt, he doesn't care. I don't think he even wants me for supply. I'm used up at this point, got nothing to offer. He wouldn't care if I vanished into thin air. Why do I keep begging for his love.
He's so cold. Like a robot. I've crumbled into a pile of hysterics, literally begging him for a kind word. Somebody stop me lol, I need help.
You don't need his love, achilles. You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man! lol
You're right though, he doesn't care, and he's not going to change. Don't run back to him, you'll just end up hurting yourself more. Weaning off a relationship like this is like weaning off an addiction. It hurts so much at first, but there'll be this moment in time, a day when you wake up and realize you don't need him at all. You could keep feeding your addiction, but as with most addictions, they're damaging and the sooner you leave it the better.
I suspect part of you, like me with my brother, wanted to test him given your new knowledge. Not gonna work because nothing will work, he's a monster. But what you have learned is that you shouldn't have gone back, and that is actually very important. Somethings can only be learned through pain and knowledge in the same moment. You have that now. Don't beat yourself up, this is a very common phenomenon but it's a cycle that will only be broken by you reaching that moment of sheer defiance that makes you see that you, a perfectly decent, kind and loving person, are dealing with something very abnormal.
Look ahead of you in to the future.. is this how life should be going ahead? Of course not, but that means a time has to happen when it stops and the only way to stop it.. IS TO STOP IT.
Like all narcicists, he is using your strengths against you, making them seem like weakness, your decency turned in on itself and he is counting on your pain and misery after each encounter to weaken you so he can have you feed his dubious needs. He can't and he won't love you, no matter who you are or how you look, or anything because it isn't about you, it's about him and nothing will ever stop that flow of abuse.
This is a very hard lesson, and many of us have expwrienced this return to abuser effect but you can and will return to that point of no return when you realise that all the pain he sends out is designed to make you feel awful and is not related to who you really are in any sense whatsoever. You are better than this, and better than him. Be Free of this.
I don't have any words of advice. I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you some strength and some love.
thank you everyone for your kind words. i'm sobbing right now and literally feel too tired to use the shift key for capital letters. i am struggling so badly. so badly.
edit info
i feel so weak. all that work last week, with me deciding enough was enough. 5 days of no contact, down the drain. im so disappointed in myself. i just wish he saw me as others do. other people see me as capable, smart, funny, caring and loving. why cant he? :(
In my opinion, saying how you've been hurt by him will only fuel his ego or whatever. I mean if he's a classic stereotypical abuser he probably enjoys your crushed self esteem. Lol Makes him feel powerful.
I think, if you REALLY want to hurt him, stand up for yourself in a way that doesn't speak negatively of yourself. Say how strong you are, how independent and how you don't need him. Boast about yourself, describe everything you can do without him. I think it's a fairly common thing that if you want to appear appealing, smart, and capable, confidence and a love for yourself does absolute wonders.
This might be absolutely #$&@!# advice lol, feel free to ignore. It's probably one of those "easier said than done" things.
the best defence is to walk away and stop contact... do not feed him chocs or grenades, he can digest them equally. Just go
Quote from: JamesG on October 16, 2017, 03:17:35 PM
the best defence is to walk away and stop contact... do not feed him chocs or grenades, he can digest them equally. Just go
I second this. Otherwise unfortunately we just get hurt over and over again. Whether by partners or family of origin.
what would the world be like if there were no narcs eh? sheesh
thank you all for your replies. i appreciate the support. i feel like i failed you by going back. i know it's disheartening to see that.
im so drained now. he's simply an abuser, and theres nothing that will change that. he will never see it. i know this. i also know he doesnt care about me. he could take it or leave it where i'm concerned, i mean nothing.
yet somehow, i still have this urge, this compulsion, to prove to him that im worthy. there were years of my life where i was free of this (i still had nightmares and other ptsd symptoms from his prior abuse, but overall i was doing very well). i felt confident, strong. now im stuck in this horrible addiction cycle. how will i have the strength to walk away forever. i know i have to, and i know i will.
jamesg - it would be a beautiful world indeed, if there were no narcs in it.
Quote from: JamesG on October 14, 2017, 03:01:05 PM
Narcs exploit a weakness in human nature, namely being human. They subvert decency and humanity and turn it on itself. Learn all you can and know, that deep down, they are very scared and very weak people relying utterly on other people's decency to save them from the terror of existing. Once you start to see it their strength is halved, they will feel it instantly too, because the confidence trick they have been counting on for so long is suddenly useless. Knowledge is power. Prepare your battlefield, learn about that tactics they use, learn about the instinctive results they are counting on in others and then switch the monsters off. It's easier than you think. Don't expect a dramatic closure, look to switch the supply one notch at a time. Then go, and don't go back.
:yeahthat: Couldn't agree more with James :thumbup: I've been through detaching from NPD FOO, and it is painful and hard and soul wrenching so if you are tired it is no wonder. Be kinder than kind to yourself as you go through this. You are taking steps to move out of it, and that is worth giving yourself a huge self-hug and yelling "Yay me!" :bighug:
Rooting for you big time!! :cheer:
Thank you Kizzie.
I look forward to finally feeling free.
don't be hard on yourself Achilles, and certainly don't feel you are letting anyone down, we all know how deep this kind of trap can be and I'm sure we have all tried, 'one last time' to get validation and normality from a source that has no intention of providing it. The more you ask, the more worthless you will feel. Try to see that the relationship dynamics with a narc exploit a design flaw in human nature, a wee software glitch that would never matter if there were no narcs, namely that our desire to be wanted and loved makes us very vulnerable to the cruel and the heartless. It is no reflection on any of us in here that we were caught in that trap; there are millions upon millions of people who will live happy lives if they are never tested as we have been. The dice rolled bad for us is all and there is no going back, there is only learning these sad realities and then building a new life older and wiser where love is able to do what love does, free of exploitation.
This man sounds very cruel and unhinged, but clearly knows how to exploit honest feelings in others. My guess he's not just a narc but is essentially a psychopath because he is not devoid of empathy, he clearly has it and chooses to exploit it. That achilles is a psychopath. They can be very charming, hypnotic even. My brother is one, I wouldnt trust him with a blunt potato.
You cannot and will not get validation or closure, closure is impossible with these people. The rukes change by the second, goalposts move like sportscars and they will always be one step ahead of you if you fight clean and ask for fairness.
Metaphor alert:
You go swimming and you are attacked by a great white shark. It takes a leg off. You make it to shore and you go to hospital and recover, they find your arm and sew it back on (the shark wasn't even hungry and you didn't taste that good). Once you are fit and well, you decide that the best thing is to go back to the sea and make friends with the shark, train it to do seaworld tricks and be your friend because, after all, it wasn't personal, and the shark was just doing its shark thing, right? Wrong. The shark will at best, take another arm off, at worst, decide to mangle you into BBQ bits and it will do it without a care in the world because it simply doesn't care about you anymore than a wave, or a rockfall of a falling meteorite would.
These people DO NOT CARE. Forget closure, justice and resolution. This man is a shark, get out of the water.
Quote from: achilles on October 16, 2017, 10:00:27 PM
i feel like i failed you by going back.
You didn't fail us by going back! I certainly don't feel that way about your actions anyway.
I know from experience it can be pretty hard, but.... try and be kind and forgiving to yourself about going back. Most of us have been harangued enough in the past by abusers and enablers; it doesn't help to do it to ourselves too.
Healing to such an extent that we won't go back (to whoever, or whatever addiction) can take a long, long time.
:hug:
Yesterday he told me that it's all in my head, that I interpret his words wrong and find a reason to be hurt from nothing. If I would just listen to him, then everything would be good, he says...I'm the crazy one. Well, I am crazy for coming back for more abuse, that's for sure. He sounds so convincing, so self-assured, so confident, that I'm doubting myself. Maybe it really is all my fault. He is more sure of ...well, everything, than I ever was of anything. It's impossible to try to get him to see my point of view. Why do I keep trying? It's completely futile. I'm full of defeat and resignation. He doesn't care. He is not capable of caring.
On the other hand, there is still a little spark of strength in me that knows he is a monster. I wouldn't be surprised if he is a psychopath or something of that ilk. He seems to delight in destroying people's minds bit by bit, and then calling them insane once he's finished with them. And then he walks away without a shred of remorse.
It's bone-chilling really. I wouldn't believe people like this existed if I didn't know him myself. He is the most cruel person I ever met. I am so exhausted.
I'm having such a hard time not crying. But I can't right now, there are people around and it would be embarrassing.
He's going to hurt me again and again...oh god, make it stop :(.
he sounds identical to my brother, callous. I think the pleasure caused by pain is real, they think your good nature is weakness and they feel entitled to play with it.
Achilles... don't respond... starve him of oxygen. You do not need to respond, let it go. If you are going to be a happy woman living a good life it has to start now.. so start and switch this nutcase off
when will the pain end? i fear that im going to keep taking it until he does something so heinous that it completely destroys me. im having a hard time dealing with day to day life as it is. i just broke down and cried in the bathroom for ten minutes.
the (very few) times i told him that he was abusive, he responded by going into a rage. even when i pointed out that name-calling and swearing at me is the very definition of verbal abuse, he said that it was my fault for making him mad. everything is always my fault. he will never take responsibility. i know this.
every time i pathetically tell him i feel hurt, it goes the exact same way. he says "im not having this conversation," "it's all in your head," "your perceptions are wrong," or "i'm not dealing with this". he acts so calm and composed while i cry, and i always end up looking (and feeling) like the crazy one.
i truly don't understand why i keep coming back for more. when he is nice and affectionate (rare), i feel like all is right with the world, so happy...but most of the time i feel so low. i hate that my self-worth depends on what he does. i hate feeling so beneath him. he treats me like im inferior, and i've internalized it. waiting for him to show me true compassion is like trying to get water out of a rock.
i hate myself for this. biggest mistake of my life.
ok... so what's good about him... really? What justifies your attraction to him?
In the film the marathon Man, the ex nazi dentist tortures Dustin Hoffman by hurting his teeth then offering him tincture to relieve it. That is what this guy is doing. He's an obvious monster but you have got stop looking to him for validation (tincture), because the reason you need it is because he just drilled into your self respect and has given you the impression he is the only person who can stop the pain. It's lilke nicotine, I smoked to avoid withdrawal symptoms and kept doing it until I was coughing up my pelvis. Many of us here have had to hit that kind of wall to leave people who were killing us one emotion at a time. Are you gonna leave it til you are ragged or prove to yourself that you are worth more than this?
You're completely right. He hurts me, then I look to him for comfort, which is totally backwards. I need to stop this horrible cycle and put it in the past, but I truly don't know that I have the self-discipline to do it. But this can't go on forever. I will not give up my sanity for this monster.
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I know it's mind-boggling, why would I want anything to do with him? The answer is, the trauma bond. That attachment that makes me think I need his approval and love to feel worthy. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and I have this compulsive urge to prove myself worthy. It's sick. I feel so pathetic for this.
no Acilles, it's not pathetic, it's a well worn path to abuse. He is a parasite, a man who needs to validate himself via abuse. You have been taught to feel helpless and that he is the only person who can stop that. He is both disease and cure. There is a parasite that efects both birds and caterpillars. It infects the grubs with a larvae which then makes the caterpillar change colour to be easier to pot for birds and then as if that wasn't enough, the poor caterpillar goes to projecting branch and dances so that the birds see it and take it. That's your guy. He's not a lover or a partner, he's a parasite and he will play with you until you break. Lives with his mother, I'm afraid that's classic. He hates himself and feels too good to be independant so he probably claims to be a victim of bad lucjk and betrayal, otherwise he'd be plain magnificant, but he's not. He wants control and power and he's going to have it unless you just stop this and take back control. The charm thing is another red flag for me, they project it to everyone but their chosen victims. I'm sure many in here know this pattern.
Achilles, self hate is not the answer, yoiu are not unique in this, but you cannot squander your life to this kind of man, not because of how it looks to anyone else, or to him.. but it's about who you are. Is this acceptable? It so is not.
You cannot win this. You just cannot get him, and have him like you and respect you. He knows you want that now, and look how he is playing you. Back away and stay away. PLEASE
Quote from: achilles on October 17, 2017, 03:23:03 PM
He's going to hurt me again and again...oh god, make it stop :(.
achilles, only you can make it stop. Depending on how you see it that could be a fortunate or an unfortunate piece of news.
I posted above that it can take a while for us to stop our addictions (whether we're addicted to people, substances or behaviour) but that doesn't mean that it has to take a long time. I just meant: don't beat yourself up over it because that rarely helps.
You wrote "He hurts me, then I look to him for comfort, which is totally backwards." Up until very recently I was still looking toward FOO for various forms of comfort although they hurt me so badly when I was growing up and continue to do so a bit despite my Very Low Contact. I don't actually see myself as pathetic about that. Nor do I think you're pathetic. I don't know your story off-hand, or even if you've written it here, but you could be repeating a pattern from your childhood too. If that is the case, you might need therapeutic help to get out of the situation. I can only wish you all the best. C-PTSD is a terrible beast.
Thank you both, JamesG and Blueberry.
I'm sure this all goes back to when I was a little kid and my mom was emotionally abusive/neglectful to my sister and me. She flat-out said I was unwanted, and it stuck with me. So now it's like I'm drawn to people who treat me the same, and I'm looking for resolution for this wound that has never healed. I can't afford therapy at the moment, but I'll look into low-cost options...I think I could definitely use the help. I had some counseling in the past, and I thought it was successful at the time, but I never addressed the deeper issues.
I know it's up to me to make all this stop. The first time I left him, when I was much younger something finally clicked in me and I was ready to walk away - but that was after years of abuse and degradation. I'm not willing to throw years of my life away on him again. What helped, before, was reading books on abuse. They helped me feel much stronger and gave me back my voice. So I will do the same now.
He has said that he's changed and become a better person. I have not seen any evidence of this. He seems to think that he deserves a pat on the back for not calling me names, like he's doing me a favor. Every word he says is a tangled mess of traps to get me confused and doubting myself. I need to stop looking for any kindness in him. He told me to F off when my childhood dog died; he slapped me in the head and said "the problem is in here," just endless, endless abuse.
For the rest of today I'm going to focus on myself and my needs. I ate a healthy dinner, and I'm going to take a walk soon. At least, for the rest of today I will treat myself well.
Quote from: achilles on October 17, 2017, 10:29:10 PM
For the rest of today I'm going to focus on myself and my needs. I ate a healthy dinner, and I'm going to take a walk soon. At least, for the rest of today I will treat myself well.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
that's great to hear Achilles, the shift in your thinking just on this thread is noticable.
My advice, in the absence of counselling, is to keep on learning about the way PTSD, trauma and neglect create these repetitive effects in us. The more you learn, the stronger you will become because at the end of the day, allthough we are all different, and our experiences may alter, many of the ways that C-PTSD and it's causes work is universal. It is important to draw the distinction between cause and effect, but realise that the effect in us is working to a pattern and that gives us power to heal it.
Your childhood clearly shaped you for abuse and that is a big indicator, and I am glad you have explained this. Childhood neglect or abandonment of that kind makes you very vulnerable to narcissists in adult life. There is a huge amount of literature out there on this and knowledge is power if you want to break the cycle for good.
Defiance is the key, defiance is your new best friend. Look back at your life and decide that the crap stops now.
Thank you Blueberry and JamesG. Another day begins lol.
I restarted the journey of reading about abuse again. Lots to think about...I need to resolve the childhood issues, and then hopefully it will help me with the present.
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I'm feeling better at the moment. It's helpful for me to see him for exactly what he is.
bravo!
so today's latest, i could hear in his tone he was getting annoyed with me, so i started to grovel. and he told me to stop groveling because he "doesn't like to feel like an abuser". then maybe he should stop acting like one.
im so tired. i know im worth more than this.
you need to go no contact achilles.
I think he knows you are onto him to frank, if he said that then he knows the game is up. Don't talk to him.
I know. I'm so anxious, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Talking to him is exhausting and almost gives me a panic attack every time. This is so not worth it. If I talk about a subject he doesn't like, his tone gets dismissive and irritated, so I apologize and I get choked up because I feel his wrath building. So I'm like "i'm sorry for being so annoying, i know i'm stupid." And he says "you have to snap out of it, I don't like feeling like an abuser, you're making me feel like an abuser." Um...he is. He is an abuser. This is insanity here. Why am I giving him my precious time.
you are locked in an attempt to change him to be a decent person, and he isn't. give it up.
I went through this with my brother endlessly, the more I tried to find a way through it, the more he battered my confidence. You are feeding this man with your pain. Please don't use what you are learning about narcissists to try and change him, because it won't. He will invert it on you as he does everything else. Your self esteem is on the line here, if you stay with this you will just be adding years to your therapy and he won't even feel it. Please... drop him and start healing. He is not the solution, there is no solution involving you, he will use you until you have nothing left for anyone better.
:yeahthat:
Our focus here is on healing and recovery from being abused. What are you willing to do to pursue that healing, achilles? Please know I want the best for you, and I do not believe that the best course of action for you is to just continue to talk about how awful he is to you. Do you have a therapist? Or are you reading a book? Have you taken a look at the information on Richard Grannon's YouTube channel about escaping a narcissist?
Thank you for your replies.
I don't have a therapist right now, but I'm trying to find some low-cost options. Transportation is also an issue for me.
I'm reading one of Shahida Arabi's books right now on narcissism. I also watched most of the spartan life coach's videos. I don't know why I keep banging my head against the wall trying to make things work. I couldn't be more informed on the topic of abuse. I know he's a horrible, remorseless monster, yet it's like I have this masochistic compulsion to try to get him to be nice to me. I really need to work on figuring that out, getting stronger, and leaving.
you want a happy ending. Not gonna happen. He has no intention of going near an epiphany, and he enjoys your desperation in looking for one. We have all been there Achiles..
IAW our guidelines I am locking this thread as it has reached five pages.
Achilles, I did want to suggest that maybe members have given you enough feedback and it is time to turn this over to you to step away from this person or not. If you are not quite ready, fair enough. At some point hopefully you will be and we will support you in that. Ultimately, you must make a decision to act in whatever way will make your life healthier and more positive, whatever that may be. I hope you will post about that in anew thread when/if you act.
Kizzie
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