Memory issues began about 6 years ago. Prior to that, I had superb memory.
I first noticed it when I began waking in the morning and could no longer recall my dream. It would just evaporate. Prior to this, I had excellent dream recall. Now, today, this happens with my own thoughts and with other people's words. My boss could be explaining a new protocol to me, and no matter how hard I focus, I know that I will not be able to retain the information. I often cannot finish my own sentences when speaking (I will forget my logic or train of thought). I forget important events and plans. I often cannot hold one thing, let alone three pieces of information in my brain.
I also experience other strange changes. My spelling ability went from excellent to average. I often forget the names of things. When writing, I will put letters in the wrong order. I also seem to store information in disconnected ways. It makes forming friendships difficult, because the next time I see a person, I do not recall our past conversations or experiences (until sometime later when I suddenly remember). I also place items in strange places (putting salt in my fridge, refrigerated items in the freezer, etc.). I could go on and on. More recently, I've had random, seemingly lighthearted memories popping into my mind often. Its as though they come out of nowhere and makes it feel to me that my brain is really disorganized or that some strange reorganization or disorganization process is occurring in my brain.
Does anyone know what causes this? Is this reversible? Do I need to grieve and accept that this is the new me? It's embarrassing and hindering and scary. I went to see a neuropsych doctor who performed memory tests. She told me that it was very inconsistent (sometimes my scores were alarmingly low, and then on the next test they would be in the 99th percentile). She attributed this all to possible ADHD. I am not your stereotypical picture of ADHD, and I'm 34, so if I do have it, it would likely be adult onset (given that I didn't used to have any of these problems.
Both of my parents have terrible memories, in different ways. My father is more the extremely forgetful type, and my mother has a more relational, disconnected forgetting. For instance, the last time she visited me, she was encouraging her son (my brother) to drink pineapple juice. He is allergic to it, and she seemed to completely forget that and then be stunned (like deer in the headlights) when we reminded her that he is allergic. I see myself becoming like them both, memory-wise. I fear that it could be DID or schizophrenia even. I don't know what to do about it. Doctors brush my concerns aside, mostly. Anyone have similary experience? I'd love to hear. Anyone have any thoughts or insight?
Hey hopeis, welcome :wave:
I wouldn't jump on the DID or schizophrenia bandwagon so soon, they usually take other ways of manifesting themselves in early stages. Like an enormous amount of dissociation and what seems like depression and anxiety respectively.
I have some memory issues as well, but it's now getting a bit better. I forget words midsentence, what I'm doing in a middle of doing it, and more. So, I think it's reversible.
Maybe something triggered it, that you're not particularly aware at the moment. I know in times of great stress my memory becomes especially impaired. Are you experiencing any sort of particular amount of stress that's above what you normally have?
Anyway, CBT helped me a lot with that. Especially starting to write down things I do that are positive, and the worst thing of the day too. Keeps me centered and in the moment to remember to write it down later. Little exercises on apps are good too, they sharpen the brain.
The brain has neuroplasticity, so it's entirely possible that it is reversible, if the neurologist didn't find anything unusual.
Hi Hopeis,
I have a lot of memory problems too, including some you've mentioned. Like spelling. I've always been an excellent speller but just recently I've noticed that I've been forgetting the spelling of fairly basic words.
I sometimes put words in the wrong order when speaking. I was doing that a number of years ago, and then stopped. Recently I restarted. I do it when I'm particularly stressed and/or emotionally tired.
I also forget how to do things I actually know how to do. Like recently I needed to scan a document. It simply didn't work, although I've done it often enough before using scan function on my printer. my mind was completely blank on how to do it and has remained blank.
After my first bout of really intensive inpatient treatment in 2001 I forgot tons of 'general knowledge'. Some has come back, some hasn't. I say to myself that there's so much of my energy going into surviving I don't have enough for the general knowledge that one is meant to know but which doesn't really interest me.
This beast called C-PTSD can affect so many parts of us this is probably just another one. As Blackbird wrote, something might have triggered it even if you're not aware of the trigger yet. Contact with my family-of-origin (FOO) makes my memory for words worse. I'm sure this is a stress reaction, to do with the huge importance my FOO placed on verbal and intellectual skills.
Welcome on here :heythere: Glad you joined. Hope you find this place as supportive and helpful as most of us who post often seem to here.
It's funny. I have never seen this type of memory loss listed in any of the 'symptoms of CPTSD (or even PTSD)'; usually the only memory concerns relate to trauma-related amnesia and/or repressed memories of events.
I think, however, that the people making the lists have missed this other type of memory loss, because I have it too. I used to have a great memory. Now, I forget some of the most basic of information, like my friends' names, pets, jobs (how embarrassing); why I went to the store; etc.
I was going to say 'someone needs to research this more'. But in all honesty, 'someone' needs to research CPTSD more overall.
:yeahthat:
Yes ! I relate
Memory problems here ..
I don't know if it's got worse and is part of the trauma or that I'm seeing it more ( was in addictions before) or that it's to do with taking anti dep...
What ever it's to do with it is upsetting... I hear others reeling off facts and information and I'm like um ... and ... oh I can't remember
Yes I use writing things down a lot more, working on my concentration and taking things easy ... I think I expect myself to remember a lot more than I'm capable and so I ease back.. also my inner critic tells me obsessionally that 'I'm unintelligent' and I have to work to reverse its spikey comments ...
Mine fluctuates too as you described by your doctors tests ... it depends if I'm in flashback / disassociation... when I'm not I have a clearer head and am able to focus and recall better ...
What I do know overhall hope is is that self compassion and talking kindly to myself are my best tools .. I then just take the next small action as to whatever I need for myself/ my day and take it from there ...
Don't beat self , we can only try are best and get support as we see fit
Blessings to you
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on May 21, 2017, 12:16:35 PM
What I do know overhall hope is is that self compassion and talking kindly to myself are my best tools .. I then just take the next small action as to whatever I need for myself/ my day and take it from there ...
Don't beat self , we can only try are best ...
:yeahthat: Not that I always manage the self-compassion or anything but I do believe it's the way to go.
Hi Hopeis
If I can't concentrate, then I cannot remember day to day stuff, without making a big effort.
If I am anxiety ridden - which is pretty much most people with cPTSD - then I can't concentrate, and attend to tasks.
If I am prone to flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and toxic shame, then I am full of anxiety.
If I have emotional flashbacks then I remember times when I could not concentrate and times when I forced myself not to remember.
What you describe doesn't fit with DID. And if you had schizophrenia, memory and concentration would be the least of your concerns.
As you know, anxiety and depression cause memory problems.
And now the good news......it is reversible.
Peace
Slim
hi! yes i have this memory loss too... so much of what all of you have described happens to me, its pretty alarming and strange. I forget people, conversations, events and day to day stuff unless I focus on it. I also have lot more trouble concentrating at the moment, and get super flustered then shut down. Sad but a massive relief to see this post, not alone etc....
I was tested 2 years ago, and the basic DX was Borderline Mentally Handicapped due to severe cognitive memory function. Which was a pretty big way of saying my memory is kaputnik!
About 75% of the scores were below the 50% percentile, one was a gigantic 4% percentile. And the dr cautioned regular monitoring for increased losses in memory function. Yay me.
For as long as I can remember, I've had deja vu. My parents have told me for all my life, that my memories are too fantastical or embellished, to be believable or true. And that I remember things differently than they happened. This includes things neither of them were witness to. So how can they tell me I was wrong? I started spending nearly all my school days starting out of the window, most noticeably by the second grade. Mostly ADD type symptoms..either talk too much, or spaced out, staring out the window.
Lost time...I don't remember when I picked up on that...probably 1994. Some things I forget, even though I remember something...like taking a movie rental back, but leaving it on the kitchen table...and some stuff never even happened, in my memory...like not forgetting what we talked about, but forgetting we talked, and seeing it was later than I thought.
I would say it happens with stress...but no....for me...it happens because I'm breathing and my heart is beating. I do know what caused my ADD symptoms and other stuff...TBI caused by Mommy Dearest. Took at least 2 weeks for the noticeable symptoms to clear up...like ringing in ears and head....this was a major concussion with LOC of 5-10 minutes. And it was within one year of previous concussion that had me bl****** out one of my ears. Those symptoms that time lasted about a week.
Now...here's one for all you lovely people to try to grasp...I recently met someone on another online community. She was showing me some pictures of her son's first day of school and stuff from the past few weeks....major deja vu! Which freaked her out, as she also experiences that. But the kicker is...I saw those pictures YEARS AGO!!! I very clearly remember seeing them...over 10 years ago!!! Her son is only 7 years old!!!
Anyway...sorry for rambling....
Being relatively new to the world of recognizing and learning about my cptsd I am so grateful for the info on these forums. Have been in therapy with a good therapist finally after yrs. of managing my life with addictions. I have been blaming my memory loss on past drug usage and chemo brain but now recognize the correlation between my stress levels and memory loss and brain fog. Higher my stress levels, worse my memory till am in full out dissociation. Never saw the correlation before. Thx again ya'll.
Welcome, murfgirl! It's good to know how our past posts on here help newcomers!
I used to blame my memory loss partly on over-eating, having heard from others in 12-step group that there's a correlation. So I ended up blaming myself. If I hadn't eaten that oversized plate of...., I wouldn't be all brain-foggy. Seems a bit more complex though.
My mind seems to be re-sorting atm. I'm bilingual, but have forgotten most of the third language I used to know, partially because I have no need to use it. In the last couple of weeks words in this language crop up from time to time out of the blue. I still don't need them, so it's rather strange that they're coming! But it's nice too, a bit like old friends dropping by. ;)
After reading what everyone wrote, I firmly believe mine is due to trauma and the TBI, and the near life long cptsd.
Andyman, I'm sure it is.
In my case due to the CPTSD and the reasons behind it, especially emotional abuse. When I was told by two of my abusers (parents) that "something bad might have happened (to me), but it was time to forgive and forget and get on with life", I made a tremendous effort to forget, but the only possible way was to block out much of my childhood and teenage years, including the good stuff, like my vivid and colourful memories of nature and being out in nature. A lot of memories have come back bit by bit, but not the vivid colourful good stuff. It's as if I've lost the ability to have colourful memories.
A few years after the tremendous forgetting effort, I got concussion due to an accident. Idk if a concussion you recover from with no apparent problems (I didn't have to relearn any basic skills or anything) counts as a TBI, but I do know that about 7 or 8 months after the accident, when the pain in my head was finally receding, where I had to start applying my mind day-in, day-out in a way I hadn't in the previous months, I ended up all brain-foggy and having severe difficulties, which was new to me. I've since heard that brain injuries can bring traumatic memories back up, but it wasn't a doc or therapist who said that, just a fellow patient so idk if it's true. In my case it makes sense though; the brain fog was there to cover up the resurfacing memories. Idk how I finished that university degree, nor the following one, but I did. It took far more mental energy than it should have, and now my mental energy feels like it's shot.
I know that won't be giving hopeis much hope, sorry about that! Though once I get through this present phase - healing goes in phases and waves - I'll probably have some more mental energy, e.g. for my professional work.
Blueberry,
Funny, I never had one person, that I remember (!!!) ever say that something bad may have or did happen to me, so get over it. Not till my memories began coming back this year..my abusive wife has made those comments since then, though. I think any non-illness injury to the brain is a TBI...but not sure exactly..but auto accident would certainly be the trauma source...and brain...and injury. So a concussion...especially one that has symptoms beyond a few hours or a day, would sure be a TBI.
It's possible that the brain rerouting it's strength around the bruised areas, can go right through where traumatic memories are buried, and bring them to the surface. For me...I had two serious concussions at a young age... between 5-6 years old. In both cases, the effects were noticeable to me for at least a week or two. And that was the noticeable stuff like dizziness and so on. I also remember that I started experiencing ADD like symptoms after the 2nd one, which was much more serious of the 2. Had one as an adult at age 19.
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 27, 2017, 09:57:16 AM
It's possible that the brain rerouting it's strength around the bruised areas, can go right through where traumatic memories are buried, and bring them to the surface.
That makes sense, thanks for the idea / explanation in laymen's terms.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 28, 2017, 08:39:02 PM
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 27, 2017, 09:57:16 AM
It's possible that the brain rerouting it's strength around the bruised areas, can go right through where traumatic memories are buried, and bring them to the surface.
That makes sense, thanks for the idea / explanation in laymen's terms.
Don't ask me where I came up with that...cuz I have no idea. ;D ;D ;D
funnily enough I am working on a book about the brain at the moment, design and illustration side, but... Trauma shrinks the hippocampus, the bit of your brain that distinguishes between past and present memories, this is is response to the brain's priority to it's needs. It's not brain damage, the analogy is more like a muscle builder only working one arm. The brain is flooded with specific threats so it prioritises. You will notice how you can talk at length about issues regarding trouble but not the names of writers or musicians. Two types of information and your brain has been partitioned to favour one over the other. One of the reasons the fatigue hits after the event is that this changing of emphasis back is hard work and you need peace and quiet to do it. So forget memory, go blank and trust your body knows what it is doing. Memory will return.
What was the question again?
Quote from: JamesG on October 18, 2017, 01:51:40 PM
funnily enough I am working on a book about the brain at the moment, design and illustration side, but... Trauma shrinks the hippocampus, the bit of your brain that distinguishes between past and present memories, this is is response to the brain's priority to it's needs. It's not brain damage, the analogy is more like a muscle builder only working one arm. The brain is flooded with specific threats so it prioritises. You will notice how you can talk at length about issues regarding trouble but not the names of writers or musicians. Two types of information and your brain has been partitioned to favour one over the other. One of the reasons the fatigue hits after the event is that this changing of emphasis back is hard work and you need peace and quiet to do it. So forget memory, go blank and trust your body knows what it is doing. Memory will return.
What was the question again?
That's really interesting, James.
"So forget memory, go blank and trust your body"
This reminds me... piano players (or at least me) can learn a song off-by-heart, or more 'scientifically', by muscle memory. You do this by playing a song over and over and over, the same way, each time. And I find that I play my songs more fluently when my mind is blank. If I try to focus on what is coming next or what I'm doing, I lose concentration and forget what to play.
It's like, when you're dealing with so much trauma, and it's the same thing over and over, you become accustomed to it. So when you meet similar experiences in your later years, by muscle memory, you react as you did as a child. You can think realistically and identify that the person you are currently with is NOT your abuser, that they're not a threat. But it doesn't help, because it's the 'muscle memory' that takes over. That's just my little theory and analogy. :)
This post is so helpful for me .. thank you
I'm learning to accept my challenges in this area, hold my hands up and say these are my limitations, this is what I need and there is a peace that is coming within that
So, I guess I've got 42 years of one armed workouts going on in my brain....except still with abusive wife, so...still doing the one armed brain workouts.
AA, muscle memory...yeah that sums it up alright.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
I've problems with both working memory, short, medium and long term memory. I don't think it's just dissociation. It definitely gets worse with stress. Before I had my first break-down, I had excellent memory - could rewind conversations I'd had, could flip the pages of books mentally and could synthesise knowledge. Now I'm forgetting way too much. The worst feeling has been forgetting whether old relatives are alive or dead, but the most hampering in daily life is at work and when dating.
Quote from: PeTe on October 26, 2017, 08:32:26 PM
I've problems with both working memory, short, medium and long term memory. I don't think it's just dissociation. It definitely gets worse with stress. Before I had my first break-down, I had excellent memory - could rewind conversations I'd had, could flip the pages of books mentally and could synthesise knowledge. Now I'm forgetting way too much. The worst feeling has been forgetting whether old relatives are alive or dead, but the most hampering in daily life is at work and when dating.
I could never do any of those things..rewinding conversations and that stuff. And I have a reasonably above average IQ. I forget today as soon as it becomes yesterday.
Quote from: Andyman73 on October 27, 2017, 05:20:09 PMI forget today as soon as it becomes yesterday.
I like this sentence, hope you don't mind if I use it to refer to my own memory issues whenever someone asks. lol
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 29, 2017, 01:27:43 AM
Quote from: Andyman73 on October 27, 2017, 05:20:09 PMI forget today as soon as it becomes yesterday.
I like this sentence, hope you don't mind if I use it to refer to my own memory issues whenever someone asks. lol
Sure thing, go right ahead. :)
Thank u James that is really helpful