I have always deeply envied people who know without a doubt what they want to do, and what they are good at, and make a living with it.
I am curious if anybody is like me, trying to sort through all these issues in order to learn how to listen to that inner direction.
I'm in a desperate situation, but I haven't talked about it much because I am just not equipped to deal with it yet. I'm completely broke and unemployment is tapped out. I need to be working, I WANT to work and be productive, be part of a team, make a little bit of difference!
But I have not even made business cards because I don't know what to call myself. I'm stuck in this nowhere land of "communications" where I feel like I don't belong, but I don't know if I feel that way because of CPTSD, or just because I've never felt like I belonged anywhere.
I'm also stuck in this world of black and white, where I simultaneously feel like I could do anything I set my mind to, but I also feel like I have done nothing significant and failed at everything.
My goal: I want an identity that feels true and authentic, so when I meet people I can sound like Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer. I don't know why I thought of him, but I love the way he introduces himself: "I am the dog whisperer. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people." I want to be able to say "This is me. This is what I do."
I have a career coach, this is my 2nd one. She is helping me for free! But no coach in the world is going to be able to give me my identity, and I need that before I can do anything else.
So I wonder if anybody here has stories about finding their direction and how it happened? How many of us are happy with our work?
Hi voicelessagony2,
I wish I had advice for you, but I could have written your post myself. It is hard to be stuck in such a position, isn't it.
My own confusion/distress about work came directly from my mother, for very specific reasons, so I don't know if they will apply to anyone else. Mother was anti-education (she was not educated, so she was going to make sure none of her kids were either - she didn't want us getting educated and too "big-headed" and "getting above ourselves" :eyeroll: She also thinks that work is the one quality that makes a good person, so (because she has NPD) she made sure that her less-favored children were constantly derailed in their work. She needed to be the only one who could do real work. When I had jobs that I liked or that paid decently, she would go behind my back to try to get me fired. She will even go so far as to insist that people she doesn't like are unemployed, when they've actually been working for years. I don't know if she realizes she's lying, or if it's actually a delusion on her part. Whatever the case, the idea of other people working is very threatening to her, and it impacted my life drastically.
I gave up having a proper job after marriage, even though I'd longed to have a career (though heaven only knows in what). Having a job while trying to raise children while dealing with PTSD and depression is far beyond my ability to handle these days. That doesn't mean I don't wish it were possible.
They say you should follow your passion, but that's tough if you've never discovered your passion.
A hint may be something I heard Chris Rock say once: "when you have a career, there aren't enough hours in the day; when you have a job, you've got nothing but time." Meaning that a career is something you're so involved and excited about what you do, there isn't enough time to fit it all in. A job that you dislike, you watch the clock as the minutes tick by, agonizingly slow.
Maybe if you can think of what you can pursue with enjoyment, without watching the clock, that's a clue to your passion.
You may want to check out a website by a writer/editor named Esme Weijun-Wang. She has a blog on her website about having a career while also having a mental illness.(She has schizotypal disorder and has been hospitalized multiple times) There are lots of interviews with other women who have various mental illnesses and how they manage. It's full of great tips. Until I read her website, I always thought that having a career while having mental health issues was impossible (this was what I had always been told, I was "too crazy to ever have a real job") so I was amazed and inspired to see this.
I don't have the link to her website right now, but I'll post it as soon as I can.
Here is the link to Esme Weijun-Wang's main website
http://www.esmewang.com/
And the blog:
http://www.esmewang.com/chronicles/
Make sure you scroll down to see the text. She's all about leaving your legacy in the world, so I think it might be very helpful. :)
Thank you zazu! I love her already!
My dream was to be an artist, now I'm a social worker.
I still find myself to this day negatively talking to myself about how I could have been a more successful artist. Reality is (depending on where you live and culture): our economy sucks, few people have jobs in the field they want to be in, and we have an underlying societal shame about not picking yourself up by your bootstraps and riding your American dream into the sunset.
When I find myself in this negative talk I have to reality check. I love my job. It's not my dream job, but it pays the bills, I've made great friends, and I don't hate waking up in the morning. I think a lot of the time we unconsciously strive for perfect, and it backfires and leaves us feeling vulnerable and unhappy with ourselves. It makes us more lost than we really are. The answer really is within you. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself the right question to find it.
The biggest help in overcoming this type of existential/career (isn't it horrible that our career defines so much of who we are?) related struggle was Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner. Listening to his career journey really hit the nail on the head. I think you would appreciate it.
Thank you lovely, I'll check out that book.
I don't know if I think it's horrible, the career defining who we are. I look at it as an opportunity to integrate. If I'm true to who I am, and my values, and make that the driving force of what I do for a living, then that is not an issue.
I have a pretty good idea of my values, and I have a lot of skills, but I'm just having trouble focusing on how to bring myself into the job or business market, and I have a serious lack of confidence right now. I need to find something to do that will just earn some money and build my confidence, but I have no idea what that would be.
Part of the problem is that I have work to do on myself, first, to get to a more healthy place where I can be productive. But I am seriously out of time; I'm broke and there is no more unemployment. My only bill is my car note, and I won't be able to continue paying it. My boyfriend has agreed to pay Nov and Dec notes for me, but I can't expect him to continue indefinitely while I work on myself.
Stressed. :(
:wave:
I think that it is probably not the right answer but I think that most of MY career choices were picked by things I did for My mother that I like or at least she complimented me on.
I was a HAIRDRESSER for 25 years, I liked it, I made good money at it, and it really worked well with MY FAWN personality. I quit when I did not have insurance and My children needed it.
Then I went in to Manufacturing.. I put 18 years in at that...I really did like that also, I was good at it, I made real good money at it, I had a good benefit package, but the stress was very bad, the bullying was bad,...so...
I went to school for Web design.. I was pretty good at it but began to crack because of MY CPTSD so quit.. I got scattered brained and could not remember Much!
I started going to school for Social work..My father died and I had a nervous breakdown and could not go to school.. I started getting anxious..So quit school.
I was a waitress off and on for years. usually it was MY second job. I liked it also..I made real good tips, but no benefits...
I think economics has to be a consideration, because no matter How much You like it, if You are not making enough Money and benefits to have a good life, then it can be fun but the stress of not having enough money WILL affect You staying with it. I quit Hairdressing because of NO benefits...
I think that having it work with YOUR family life has a lot to do with it also...I had excellent babysitters when I was doing Manufacturing, and waitressing, Or I never could have done that!
Have You taken any TESTS, I can't think of the names now... but they should help You to pick something that You like that will suit your lifestyle. If Your Jobs counselor Has NOT given You tests aks her or You can find tests online to help You to decide..
Keep on Keeping on! ;) :hug:
Sorry, I think I phrased what I said wrong. It is wonderful if your job aligns with your dreams and aspirations, but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you failed! I just hear a lot of people saying to themselves, "Well I went to college for this, and now I work at Starbucks," as if they failed. Sorry if I was projecting ;)
Do you have a resume? Maybe sitting down and writing a resume and your skills will help you see the positive qualities you have and point you in the right direction. Or, there is always the "dream" question. If you were to wake up tomorrow morning and you had your dream job, what would it be? That could be a good starting point in what direction you want to move in. It can help you think about things like what kind of environment you'd want to work in, what kind of coworkers you would like to have, hours, etc. I don't know what resources are where you live, but there are resources that are free where I live that help you figure out what career might be right for you and they help with resume, interviewing, etc.
I don't know if anyone hear knows anything about assertiveness training. I did a little bit of it. I felt the underlying core of it was knowing that you are a valuable person and have something to offer the world, so don't be afraid to stick up for yourself, show pride in your work, etc. I jump back and forth between fight and fawn depending on the situation. I tend to be more "fight" at work and "fawn" in my personal life. Strange how we let these little parts of ourselves out in certain situations.
I really hope you find something soon! I used to work at Starbucks and it was actually one of my favorite jobs. I worked at 5 different stores all over the country and I could have not asked for more compassionate coworkers or better benefits. I don't know if that's something you would be interested in, but it sounds like you need a job that is empathetic. They were always really flexible with me.
lovely,
No need to apologize, I think I understand what you are saying. That's one of the first questions people ask when they are getting to know each other: "So what do you do?" As if that sums up who you are. Yea, I guess that part does suck right now, for me, cuz I don't know how to answer it. If you want to kill a conversation before it starts, just answer that question with "I'm a consultant."
I have written and re-written my resume a million times, and it still just gives me anxiety to think about it. No matter who I show it to, every single recruiter tells me it sucks and tells me to change the exact thing the previous recruiter told me to do. Arrggh! The whole thing about resumes just feels so exploitative and insincere. "Use keywords" "Highlight your accomplishments" "Tailor it to the job description" yeah, no. Just no. I tried, and I can't, or I won't, and it makes me want to cry.
The core of the problem goes right back to my illness. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. How can I set career (or life) goals and create a "personal brand" without those two things to start with? And my self-loathing internal critic still sees my job history as one massive train wreck, so it feels utterly dishonest for me to try to put a positive spin on it.
Another phrase I hate: "Fake it 'til you make it"... well I feel like I've been faking it all my life, and I'm exhausted. If I can't be authentic, then I don't want to play.
Quote from: zazu on December 03, 2014, 07:32:24 PM
You may want to check out a website by a writer/editor named Esme Weijun-Wang. She has a blog on her website about having a career while also having a mental illness.(She has schizotypal disorder and has been hospitalized multiple times) There are lots of interviews with other women who have various mental illnesses and how they manage. It's full of great tips. Until I read her website, I always thought that having a career while having mental health issues was impossible (this was what I had always been told, I was "too crazy to ever have a real job") so I was amazed and inspired to see this.
Thank you for the link! The website is very inspiring. It reminded me of the time the man on the yoga video said to "Take up space." and I cried happy tears because no one had ever given me permission to take up space in the world before. Funny but sad.
Have you done any values work? I remember one time when I was feeling lost, someone encouraged me to think about what my values are and why I had chosen them as my values. It helped me notice that values play a large role in our life from how we treat others to the decisions we make. So in a way, your values are who you are, and everything else changes. Whether it's your job, interests, hair color, everything changes. There is no constant. It can be hard to figure out who you are when we are constantly changing and growing.
Maybe, who are you today right now? Not the persona you wear for others. Who do you feel you are right in this moment? That's the only real thing that exists is right here right now.
Sorry of the resume thing brought up some stress. I used to have a really hard time getting feedback from people. At one point I realized I can always listen to their advice, but I don't always have to use it. Sometimes advice is good for you, and sometimes it's not.
Do you ever feel like you get stuck thinking too much and don't act? I recently have been practicing trying to get out of my head and just trust myself to act on the moment whatever it might be. It was almost like proving the inner critic wrong. Mine was more like, "If you go out you're going to look like a sobbing mess in public because you're obviously depressed." So I turned it into, "IC, you're not helpful. Sitting here crying isn't helpful. Sitting here basting in my own self pity isn't helpful. So, I'm going to go out with a friend and enjoy my time and not waste it on you, IC." I guess I'm trying to make one of my values, "I deserve to feel good and enjoy life."
VA, I've struggled my whole life with career choices so it's funny I ended up to be a career coach myself. I kind of fell into it but I figured, hey, I've probably done research on every career out there and tried a whole bunch so why not? So here are a couple questions: When you were a child, did you dream about what you wanted to be someday? When you were a child/teen-ager, what were your hobbies and interests? If you could do anything in the world, without regard for how much schooling you need, location, finances, or any practical concern, what would you do? ..... I'm not suggesting people go out and try to start a band or something based on a whim, but answering these questions could help you get to know yourself better. When you know what you like to do, that's at least a direction. Reality may intrude and you may have to just get a job for survival; I don't know your situation. But even when people have a job they're not crazy about I advise them to not lose who they are- pursue their talents and hobbies in any spare time and maybe volunteer in these areas and either your personal life will become more fulfilling, or maybe developing your interests could lead to a job you're really interested in someday.
Hi VA2,
I've been in a similar situation. It's stressful. I'm still stressed, and I do a lot of comparing my insides to other people's outsides.
I took 2.5 years of being unemployed and eating into my retirement savings before I made any career move. I have a few things to say about that:
- I had savings to fall back on, and the timing of how long it took me to get back in to employment was largely determined by my finances and tolerance for financial stress, balanced against my emotional and physical state. When one got greater than the other, I stumbed into action. So my timeline isn't your own, but if you're judging yourself harshly for taking "too long," I've done that to myself, and I'll bet that many others have too. A lot of my timing was determined by circumstances that reflect neither any particular virtue or defect of my own, just circumstances
- Yup, it was a stumble into action. My counsellor asked me the same question neenonee suggested: what would I do with my time if money wasn't a consideration? My answer was to grow food and cook it. But it took me a long time to stop assuming that while I wanted to work directly with food, my career had to be intellectual and, at best, could orbit around food. (My mother seemed to see aceptability only in my brain, not my body or my feelings, and even then, I was more trouble than I was worth.) Anyway, when I started looking for a job, I happened to find a posting for a restaurant dishwasher. I got the job and I stayed with that restaurant for a year. It gave me a little bit of money and some purpose, which was good. It let me see that a job where I used my body and my brain and my heart was possible, that there's lots of scope and possibility for me, that other people have similar passions, which was exellent. It was also really hard. I met some safe people and some unsafe ones. I was frequently triggered by the similarity in status between "dishpig" and family scapegoat.
- It took me 6 months of dishwashing to take the next baby step, and ask to try working in the bakery. I love bread, I know a lot about bread, I talked about it all the time. And I felt dread that if I asked for what I wanted, it somehow wouldn't be perfect and I would be in enormous trouble. I actually only asked for the transfer because Chef prompted me during my review, and that made it seem safer -- it was no longer entirely my idea that I should want something. (I still spent the rest of that day crying and shaking and had to go home.)
- 6 months in the bakery, and that had good and bad elements. Then I realized that the new bakery manager had been bullying me for at least 1.5 months, and in a messy sequence of events I called in sick, said that I was having a physical reaction to feeling bullied, brought in my letter of notice to my next shift, was told that I couldn't work that shift and walked out forever. I still half-believe that there was some perfect way i could have handled that so I resigned in a more conventional way, so I feel guilty. And I have a reference from my friend in the bakery, who happened to have been the head pastry chef, but nothing from senior management because I walked out, so I feel worried.
- Now I've been 1.5 months unemployed, alternating between job hunting for a cook or baker position and licking my wounds. I've had to transfer money from my old long-term savings again (and if it doesn't arrive soon my chequing account will be completely empty). Sometimes I think that I've circled back all the way to my worst point. Sometimes I think that I'm still ahead of where I once was.
How did I find my career? By slowly stumbling in a direction that seems to make sense in the moment, moving backward and forward, trying to remember that I can make another move tomorrow. One day, one move (or one pause) won't be forever and doesn't define who I am or who you are. I know that's true for you, and I almost believe it's true for me. Hang in there!
smg
This discussion might be dead but I an wondering if we ask have difficulties at work.
I am a prosthetist and came about my career after taking voluntary redundancy from the Navy. I was an aircraft engineer and was constantly worried that somebody was going to realise how incompetent I was and either a plane might crash or I might get into trouble. Of course I realised now 20 years later that it was my inner critic talking.
I spent all of my redundancy money on a university degree and have traveled and worked extensively. I have lived in about 9 countries but I have always struggled with office politics. I am currently out of work an need to get myself sorted out. My last job was in the middle East, my employer was a narcissist with ocd so to him we were always on the verge of going broke, despite making $3 million profit in the first year, after setting up the clinic buying all of the equipment MRI, x_ray etc . none of which I saw of course.
The rebellious child in me railed against the narcissistic director and I did little to help build the business, I stayed in my clinic room and did the bare minimum, it was never a long term option, with my idealistic nature.
We spend so much of our lives at work I have always thought to do something I really love, I am in one of the best professions in the world but the industry controlling it is awful.
In the last five years I have had six jobs, some failures were not my fault, and came down to politiucal instability or poor business planning and lack of investment but I have also contributed as well. I am frequently morning the lost opportunities and comparing my inside with the outside of others who seen to get on.
Glad you wrote that, I have difficulties at work, mostly because most workplaces have dysfunctional, hierarchical systems and this triggers my trauma. My trauma took place mainly in the family, a dysfunctional, hierarchical system, and in children's homes, which are also dysfunctional hierarchical systems. So it makes sense.
People who come from safe families don't experience the same terror when these same dynamics happen at work. They don't feel as angry, as powerless. they don't feel the need to react strongly and attempt to reestablish safety, or to run away from the situation to establish safety.
I am trying to deal with this problem two ways: tackle these particular elements of the abuse in counselling and try and choose work which exposes me as little as possible to organizational systems.
Working as a sole trader/independent contractor is my ideal, but it's hard because one thing I like about work is the social contact.
I can relate. That is exactly the situation I am in.
About 20 years ago I went to school for a big time career but after I graduated I just gave up. I did some dog walking and meals on wheels, which I liked because I could be alone most of the time in my car. Then I decided to get healthy and thought of taking the personal training exam. I did that and so now I'm technically a certified personal trainer. I say technically because I haven't done a lot of actual work. Very part time for years, as in, a couple of hours a week. You can imagine the problems I'm having; probably the same as yours.
I tried working for other people, gyms etc, and it was horrible. I gave up. Besides, there's not much money in that anyway. I am trying to work from home and I've invested a lot of credit card debt into home equipment right in my tiny living room. Basically taking over my house but I think this is the only thing I can do. When I'm home, I feel empowered and safe and as long as I'm selective about who comes in I feel pretty good.
I tried being a typical trainer and working to please people but I gave up on that and I am sticking to what I know. I decided I will do what I do, offer what I have in terms of skills (I'm also good at cleaning and organizing) and hope for the best. I don't know if I can make a living but this is probably all I can do. I mean I'm almost 50 and tried pretty much everything else I can think of.
I have trouble getting people in the door (advertising) and also keeping clients. Sometimes when they don't show up I don't follow up and say hey where are you. That sort of thing. I'm not good at some interactions and I tend to avoid people. I'm bad at paperwork and writing down plans but I force myself to do it because I'm terrified at how broke I am right now. And the fact that a couple of people seem to like me is very motivating.
I put an ad on craigslist for a personal assistant and I found a young woman with a history of csa who is young and understands social media and marketing. She is very understanding of my issues but also pushes me and tells me things I have to do. I arranged to barter with her and train her and her family for free in exchange for time she is putting into making my website and facebook page etc. Knowing she's there helps a lot.
I don't like asking for help and it sometimes makes things worse but getting help from one or two good people seems to be a good idea.
About figuring out what you like to do and who you are and your place in the world:
I paid attention to what I do when I just want me time. How do I spend my time, energy, money, when there is no one else around and I want to destress? The answers are: I clean and organize, I buy exercise equipment, I think of ways to solve problems around the house. What do I think about when I interact with people (aside from my social anxieties)? I think about how to help them clean their houses, organize their stuff, find ways to exercise that fit with their lifestyle, cook better meals, learn life skills. That all translates into personal fitness, professional organizing, cleaning.
I also recall things people say about me that are positive: I have a calm house. I have a calming influence. I give great advice. I'm fun. I understand quirky people. I have good ideas about exercise. I seem to have it all figured out (this is an image; it's not that I have it all figured out but the fact that people think I do is something that can relate to a job).
I am now at a place where I seem to be making tiny bits of progress, and I am terrified that I will fail again. I've failed at this same thing many times and last year I took a long time off and dropped the couple of clients I had. It was messy and depressing. But I took the time to regroup and figure out what was holding me back. I had to learn to function normally day to day and so I took ten steps back and started over. I put up signs in the kitchen 8am breakfast 9am clean kitchen things like that. I went into more and more detail that way. I have a kid so I can tell people it's for her. Or I can say I'm an add coach (i'm not ) and not care if they think it's weird. They don't anyway. Turns out a lot of people say they have add and I have good ideas.
Anyway I'm at this place where i thinki i'm on a roll. Then last night my issues with my mom sent me into a panic and I looked at my room (giant mountain of laundry) and i said ok this is bad. I told my daughter we can't do anything until this situation is fixed. no hobbies, nothing. we have to get to a new level of organization because i can't have laundry get to this point where i can't be ready for the next client. I think I'm going to have to add more lists. what would i do for a client who had a disability like short term memory loss? tons of post it reminders, etc. i might as well be brain damaged the way i have trouble functioning. it doesn't matter that the reason is ptsd and not brain damage. the effect is the same.
i decided that i have to settle on the idea that i can't see my mom and even the thought of it is ruining my life right now. last night i realized how damaging it is to even consider it and feel the pressure. so i decided i absolutely will not and if the family hates me it's a small price to pay compared to the alternative. this helped.
today is a new day. fingers crossed.
Wow tired, you are so determined. It's so hard to keep on trying but you do.
I stopped seeing my mum some years ago. Every time I saw her I felt so awful, I had suicidal thoughts, I just felt worthless. It was so hard but it was worth it. I don't think I'd be here if 'd kept seeing her.
When you have lived with being unsafe for a long time i think it can make it very difficult to recognise when bad feelings are being caused by others. Instead of shrugging off a slightly bullying boss at work I felt worthless, angry and helpless. I saw colleagues do what she said but then laugh at her- it didn't hurt them in their core. Instead of laughing I felt worthless. But it wasn't me who should have felt bad- it was her!
The same with friends and partners, it's a constant battle to try to listen to how I feel and recognise it as a valid reaction to another person's actions, instead of thinking a worthless feeling means I am worthless. I like what steamy said about comparing my inside with the outside of others who seem to get on. I do this all the time, worthless me Vs confident Other, it's always a rotten exercise.
I believe that with imaging technology that scientists can now see the changes CPTSD causes in the brain: it is a form of brain damage. I operate in the world with a major, invisible, disability, that affects everything I feel and do.
I read VA2 and had to agree "The core of the problem goes right back to my illness. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. How can I set career (or life) goals and create a "personal brand" without those two things to start with? And my self-loathing internal critic still sees my job history as one massive train wreck, so it feels utterly dishonest for me to try to put a positive spin on it."
I spent $300 on a profession CV writer to put the spin on my train wreck, a few jobs have been merged and some left off completely. I could not see the achievements of the last 30 years, it often takes somebody else to give us an outside view of ourselves.
Although I have a profession, I have no career, what I do seems to be hanging by a thread. At 48 the eternal optimism I had at 30 is all gone and it feels like everybody has been beating me up the last 20 years. I tried to do a masters degree to reinvent myself, that put $10,000 on my credit card and has only given me a broader view of how life is unfair for the poorest and most vulnerable in our society.
Last week I attended an interview for a job as a development worker, ironically the interview was attended by a psychologist, who picked up on a few things and told me that despite 15 years as a development worker I didn't have what it takes to be a development worker. I think that despite psychology moving on like it is, it will be a long while before we see positive discrimination for people with mental health issues. As our personalities radiate our state of mental health, it is that we get rejected on our personalities, people don't like us, are annoyed by us or simply don't warm to us, which might not affect our effectiveness, and that is prejudical, its exactly like not giving a job to somebody who has difficulty walking. It would be, pardon the pun, a big step forward if our society was to help people with CPTSD to maintain a job and provide them with the support to recover from the trauma, the continuous disappointments and ongoing hurt from rejections and failures means that we often continue to accumulate trauma instead of shedding it.
I agree it would be fairer if people with mental illness' were given help to get a job, and their illness' considered a bit more.
I currently work as a programmer and I got that job through an apprenticeship program. It's a good field to get in to cause they're constantly hiring and skilled people are limited in this area.
So yeah, it's a good job, although I struggle with being around people so much, it feels like I'm in a living *. I hope this gets better as I recover more and can socialise with better ease. I'm a freeze type so when I get triggered, which is often, I completely shut down and don't want to talk to, or even look at or be around anyone.
I guess the good thing about working with computers is isolation doesn't often affect my work, I can type away on my lonesome ownsome.
This isn't where my passion lies really, although it is quite a good job.
I want to pursue writing as this is my passion and what I done in college, although maybe just as a hobby mostly, I don't really care how much money I make.
I also really want to get involved in health and wellness, more than anything really, that's my dream job. I want to open my own naturopathic wellness centre, that's the dream :-)
I know this is an old topic, but I had to reply.
I think mental illness is definitely something that should be taken into account when helping people find work. While the daughter of my parents' friend sailed through school with straight A's, my top grades took a nosedive at the most crucial point thanks to C-PTSD and still living in a situation where I regularly encountered the causes. This meant I got the worst grades of my life for going to university. My record would show a smart, capable student, but they place the emphasis on the final grade that relies on exams. How is it fair to compare the achievements of one person who has a smooth, straight, clear path to the one with the winding obstacle course? You cannot expect them to both be able to achieve the same thing.
I had no self-esteem, no confidence. I didn't believe I could live on my own, so I chose universities based on being able to commute from my parents' house. I did choose something I liked, but I admit my low self confidence deterred me from my first choices. Especially if it involved venturing outside home or having to interact with people. At that stage in my life, I was still sure everyone was out to get me.
I'm sure no one will be surprised to know I never finished that degree. Any form of social thing I had to do as part of the course terrified me and realising the university was one of the worst choices I could have made only further destroyed my self-esteem.
During this time I met my husband, who offered to help me finish the degree in another country, as it was more affordable and had a much more developed course in comparison to the one I was taking. Unfortunately, the university staff made a mistake which meant I had already moved to that country before being told I would have to pay three times as much. It was impossible. Despite this, moving away from my toxic situation was the best decision I ever made. I had time to start healing and rebuilding. It was slow and painful, but my journey to a stronger, more confident self had begun.
My husband is highly educated. As such, we were relying on his income. His line of work takes him around the world. I decided to get a qualification for something I could do anywhere in the world: freelance proofreading in English. It took a long time to get permission to work in the country we lived in, but then he got an excellent job offer back in Europe. I worked for an English-language newspaper once, but then the recession hit almost as soon as I got the job and I was back to square one.
We ended up in East Asia, in a country where it was completely illegal for me to work as a person without a university degree (many, many countries have this rule, unless you are married to a local). We never had the money for me to get a degree and I wasn't sure how I could put what I would be most interested in to good use (psychology). I thought of translation, but that would take twice as long as a regular degree. In the end, I began working as an English teacher for cash. I taught several children. Some kids I liked fine, others were uncontrollable and their parents did not discipline them. In the end, I decided I did not enjoy the teaching itself enough. I was always happier to be going home than to teach. It did lead to more confidence in myself, which helped me, but I did not enjoy those years.
We moved again within East Asia and a friend lent me his graphics tablet. Drawing has always been a hobby of mine. Little did I know my drawing skills and proofreading qualification would lead to me having a job. It's not much of a career, but people appreciate and respect me. They love what I do.
Still, the dream will always be to create. To write and to draw, maybe learn how to paint. If only I could find the time. I get some satisfaction from the drawing I do at work, but it's not the same as having that freedom to do what you want.