I am going to be brave today and talk about my sexual abuse that happened to me as a child. It's a big thing to acknowledge that it 'was' sexual abuse, but I think and know that it was. What concerns me is how I could go all those years and not acknowledge it properly. But better now than never.
I feel the need to share the details, as part of my progress towards healing, because it's been featuring in my head for many years, and it's only recently that I've been able to really acknowledge that it IS abuse.
***Trigger Warning***
When I was very little - possibly about 4 years old - but I really don't know how old I was, my Dad wanted to play a game with me, when noone else was in the house, and he wanted to place his big toe and foot in contact with my vagina - by sitting me on top of his foot and for him to stimulate me there. I did sit on his foot for a moment, but I told him 'I don't want to play that game Daddy' and he stopped - he told me not to tell my Mum about it. I never did tell her.
He had a book which was wrapped in brown paper and I think it contained explicit things about sexual stimulation and I think it talked about touching young children - but again, I wonder if my memory has played tricks on me, and that such information wouldn't be there - but I know there are such things as paedophile rings who shared information back in the 1960's and 1970's, so it's possible.
As a teenager he used to touch me inappropriately by grabbing my boobs or pinching my bottom, or putting his hand out when I was going to sit down, and grabbing at my bum. He humiliated me when I was reading some teenage literature which had something sexual in it - in that he read it out and ridiculed it. He wanted to buy my panties, and I wonder if that was him wanting to have control on such a personal item of clothing.
When I was about 12 or 13 years old he and my Mum had me sitting on a rock in a lake with no top on - and they were taking a photograph of me like that. I had long hair, but I felt very uncomfortable - and some people came walking and saw what was happening and they made a fuss, but my Mum and Dad said it was none of their business what was happening there. I can't be sure of my age, maybe I was younger.
I think my Mum must have been complicit in this, as she never stopped him from doing these things - and I never talked to her about it, as I somehow knew she wouldn't protect or believe me.
I remember when I was little and one of my friends told me that she used to sleep with her knickers on in bed, and I thought - that's a great idea to wear knickers in bed - I wondered why I'd never thought of that. So that makes me wonder if my Dad had touched me inappropriately in my bed when I was little, but I don't know as my memory won't let me be sure of things from when I was very little.
I still get triggered by people's feet being near me - because of how feet invaded my space - and I don't wear skirts of dresses very often - preferring to wear trousers and jeans.
When I was a young child, I used to say I had an 'aura' around me, which was a way of trying to get some interpersonal 'space' and keep people from invading it, and there was a period of time when I used to spend time in a long box - hiding away in the dark, so I know things weren't good in my little world - to make me resort to doing that.
I feel so sick when I think of the impact of this on my life, and how I've kept this in for so many years - but there were reasons for that - it's complicated.
But - I feel it's good that I am finally 'talking' about it - with someone - with you - anyone who is reading this. My partner knows, some of my friends know, and I did talk to a therapist once - and she helped me to make the break to be estranged from them. That was a big step and I'm glad I've done that.
This makes me tearful and upset, but I am glad I've finally written it down.
Thank you for listening.
Hope :)
I'm so sorry Hope. I'm so sorry that such awful things happened to you. You didn't deserve any of that.
I'm proud of you for writing it and getting it out. I have not been brave enough, but you're courage is inspiring
QuoteI feel so sick when I think of the impact of this on my life, and how I've kept this in for so many years - but there were reasons for that - it's complicated.
But - I feel it's good that I am finally 'talking' about it - with someone - with you - anyone who is reading this. My partner knows, some of my friends know, and I did talk to a therapist once - and she helped me to make the break to be estranged from them. That was a big step and I'm glad I've done that.
This makes me tearful and upset, but I am glad I've finally written it down.
It's alright to be tearful and upset, and to mourn and to grieve. Take your time with it, go as slowly as you need.
I'm thinking of you Hope. Please take care of yourself :hug:
Hope, I agree, you are very brave. This was not easy to write and you did it anyway.
You were not at fault. You were innocent. You ARE innocent. What those parents did was wrong. What they chose to allow was wrong. I'm so sorry you didn't have the parents you deserved. :hug:
Hope, you are very brave to be able to write so many incidents all at once. No wonder you are upset about these things. :hug: from me. I can't write more.
Joyful - thank you so much - I read your reply yesterday and I was tearful - but it was because I felt so validated by what you said, and it really helped me, so thank you.
Wife2 - thank you so much - it means a lot to hear that I wasn't to blame for what happened, as there are so many confused messages, feelings, and thoughts which accompany my experiences, and I've struggled to make sense of them over the years.
Blueberry - thank you so much, I feel really supported by each and every one of your replies to me - somehow I felt a pressure to express my feelings and put it in the open, rather than having it hidden away and repressed.
It's really helped. But I found it strange when I re-read what I wrote today, that I feel dissociated from it, as if it happened to someone else - when I wrote it yesterday, I felt more connected. I guess that's normal - I do dissociate a lot of the time, but I am being more in the moment sometimes too - and beginning to process feelings in a better way. I think so anyway.
Some inner critic thoughts came to meet me yesterday as well - but thankfully I have pushed them aside, and decided I have a right to talk about my feelings.
Thank you to you all for replying and making me feel supported, validated and cared about.
Hope :)
I'm sorry these things happened to you. Your memories and feelings are valid. You are an amazing person capable of whatever you set your mind to.
Hi Lucy,
Thank you so much for your reply, and I really appreciate your kind words. They mean a lot.
Hope :)
Further Triggers on a Bank Holiday.
I haven't posted in this thread for a while, and I probably should start a new one, but I feel more comfortable to keep this together here, so I hope that's ok.
Last night, I watched a programme on TV that I'd taped, and it was about children in a school – about 7 to 8 years of age and how the teachers were trying to treat them the same – i.e. not discriminate on the basis of gender.
Many things triggered me during that programme, and it brought up a few memories for me, and I just wanted to share them here, as a way of 'getting them out of me' and seeking 'validation'.
In no particular order (Trigger warnings – as mentioning child sexual abuse at times):
Being told in primary school that I couldn't wear trousers. However the headmaster of that school tended to put his hand up my skirt whilst he was talking to me, and twiddled with my knicker elastic or rubbed the back of my legs and sometimes my bottom cheeks. Felt uncomfortable. I never told my parents about this. But I've always thought this wasn't right. I think I was only about 5 years of age at that time.
Another school, as a 12 year old, the teacher would play with a zip on my cardigan and pull it up and down. That felt inappropriate too – but I never said anything about it.
When I was maybe 10 years old, and was playing on my bike in a country area and I met one of the teenage boys – he grabbed me and tried to kiss me in a rough way that I really disliked– I struggled against him and broke free. I ran away, cycling as fast as I could. I never told my parents about it.
In addition to the game my F wanted to play with me when I was very little – I struggle with how old I was – I could have been anything between 3 years old and 6 years old...? He wanted me to sit on his foot, with it in contact with my vagina. I told him I didn't want to play that game, and he didn't pursue it, but I have always felt bad about it. There was another occasion when he was washing my hair – and I remember that my feelings as a child were 'He REALLY loves me!' because he was drying my hair in a very tender and loving way – and yet the 'adult me' realises that his breathing was 'funny' and I actually think that he was in a state of sexual reaction when he was doing that. It disgusts me to think of that now.
I've never told my M about that – but the fact that they BOTH were taking photos of me whilst asking me to sit on a rock in the middle of a lake, when I was maybe 8 to 11 years of age – that was so inappropriate – it makes me wonder if my M knew what he was like, and condoned his behaviour.
They both used to tickle me as a small child when I got into their bed with them in the mornings – but it was not nice as they tickled me in places I felt they shouldn't have – and they often used to laugh when approaching me with their feet, because they knew I was scared of the feet coming towards me.
As I write this, I feel very 'silly' and I can feel my inner critic telling me I shouldn't be writing about this, but I want to 'get it out there' so someone can know and I want to say 'It wasn't right'.
I find Bank holiday weekends more challenging, and I feel so much more triggered this weekend, but I feel glad to have written this down.
I am going to be kind to myself this weekend, and try to do some relaxing things.
Hope :)
Those realizations can be devastating. They challenge our view of our value and standing within the family and larger community. (Or at least my own revelatory realizations did for me.)
You are very brave to be looking at these, in my opinion. Working toward a solution or a deeper understanding is very difficult and takes a courage and strong belief in oneself. You may not feel brave, but I think you are! :hug:
I know what it cost me to have these realizations and recovered memories. I'm still getting back on my feet after remembering some lost memories and fleshing out the others I remembered but only foggily. It took a friend urging me to try therapy "just one more time" (there had been many unsuccessful attempts at it before) and I'm thankful I got a therapist who is actually helping. (Although I still wish he was trained in things like EMDR or SE as these are things I'd like to try.)
Huge kudos to you, brave Hope! :applause:
Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
(Trigger warnings – as mentioning child sexual abuse at times):
However the headmaster of that school tended to put his hand up my skirt whilst he was talking to me, and twiddled with my knicker elastic or rubbed the back of my legs and sometimes my bottom cheeks. Felt uncomfortable. I never told my parents about this. But I've always thought this wasn't right. I think I was only about 5 years of age at that time.
Hope, it was not right. Totally und utterly wrong. This is the kind of thing M did to me and my sibs and in fact other children. Whether we / other children were wearing skirts, trousers, or in the case of babies, nothing at all. It is totally inappropriate from anybody towards a child. Whether the child is 1, 5, 12. Some people seem to think it is OK ??? (or decide it's OK if family members do it). It's not. I want to validate that for you. Standing beside you with this.
Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
They both used to tickle me as a small child when I got into their bed with them in the mornings – but it was not nice as they tickled me in places I felt they shouldn't have – and they often used to laugh when approaching me with their feet, because they knew I was scared of the feet coming towards me.
Standing beside you with this too, though tickling was not one of the things my FOO went in for. But enough parallels to this. They
laughed because as a small child you were scared ??? :'( My FOO laughed at me and my pain, whether physical or emotional, but especially the emotional. I've been told this is sadistic behaviour. What happened to you sounds just as bad.
The fact that you didn't (presumably
couldn't) tell your parents about all those other incidents you've written here speaks volumes.
Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
As I write this, I feel very 'silly' and I can feel my inner critic telling me I shouldn't be writing about this, but I want to 'get it out there' so someone can know and I want to say 'It wasn't right'.
I know, I often feel very 'silly' about saying / writing these sort of incidents too. But I can tell you, as I'm not so capable of telling myself, that you are not being silly! These were instances of sexual abuse, with emotional mixed in. The fact that some were more covert than what people think of as CSA (especially when our generation were growing up), doesn't make it less grevious, in some ways it makes your and my situation even worse. It may take us far longer to speak up, and when we do, some of us are discounted. I was. By Ts and some fellow patients too. That's quite a few years back. But it's still hard. When I needed to tell my present T, I did it partly in writing and gave it to him to read, and parts I managed to say I could only tell him by looking in the opposite direction from him. That just goes to show how hard it still is, although I have often talked and written about it in various contexts, have been doing so for a good few years now. Being discounted by Ts: 12-15 years ago. Not now. But it remains a really hard topic to talk or write about.
I didn't comment on all the incidents, so on all: they were awful, that was awful what happened to you. I'm really sorry. :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 10:32:05 AM
I am going to be kind to myself this weekend, and try to do some relaxing things.
Sounds like a good plan! I hope you manage. I'm not good at that. Sounds as if you're better at it.
Thank you again Blueberry - I really really appreciate what you said - it means such a lot to know someone understands and really 'gets it' - and I know that you do. Thank you :hug:
I will come back to this and re-read it - but I just wanted to thank you for your reply.
Hope :)
Hi 3Roses,
I think I am dissociating a bit, as I feel a bit 'high' this evening - if that makes sense, and I completely didn't see your reply to me - earlier in this thread - the one before Blueberry's - I would also like to thank you for your reply - I will pop back tomorrow to read back and process what I wrote earlier and what you and Blueberry have said in reply - as it's a lot to process - but it feels so important to me at the moment to really 'look at this side of my life' - in amongst everything else.
Thank you for describing me as 'brave' - I do relate to that, as it's been a scary area for me, and one I've avoided for decades.
I'll hope to pop back tomorrow and re-read things.
Thank you :hug:
Hope :)
You're really very welcome, Hope. I'm just glad when I comment on here to somebody and it helps them, which is usually because I 'get it'. I often leave replies for a while without answering at all while I process them, so no worries on that score. :hug:
Oh, yes, and you're very brave! Agree with 3Roses there.
Thanks again Blueberry :hug:
I felt the need to come and re-read this post again, and also the replies from everyone within it, and it's got me crying - but I feel sure that's a good thing, and I realise it took me quite a while to come back and re-read - because essentially CSA is a difficult thing and I know I've 'avoided' addressing issues for most of my adult life - specifically relating to CSA.
The more I think about it, I think that I must have been younger than I thought I was - when I thought the events took place - i.e. a very small child. My memories of being a teenager - they are correct in terms of time - but the initial abuse could have happened as young as 2 years of age? I find this awful.
I partly felt the need to return here to re-read what I wrote because my partner commented today that he thinks that I am 'protecting' my parents (FOO) and that I often minimise their behaviour to me - he is clear that they have done things that he feels are NOT RIGHT - and he points out to me that I sometimes try to look for 'reasons' why they would do that - rather than condemning them for inappropriate behaviour.
Trigger warning TW...
My sister believes they are literally 'evil' and 'controlled by the dark side' and she also thinks that they are 'sadistic' - I've not been able to go so far as to think those things - but I can completely understand why she thinks they are sadistic, as she's relayed to me some things that they did to her which were cruel and sadistic.
Blueberry commented that the fact I never told my FOO (parents) about some of the other incidents I experienced from teachers was very telling - and I agree - it meant I couldn't go to anyone to talk about what was happening to me - I felt alone with noone to confide in. My sister was away in a care home - for much of our early childhood, and she left when I was 8 years old, and she was 16 years old and could choose to live somewhere else.
I realise that I feel the need to write a letter to my sister about some of those feelings - which I won't send to her, but which I think I need to 'get out' and I'll hope to do that in the other part of the forum regarding 'letters'.
But that's for another time, as I've said a lot just now, and need to step back a bit and process in a safe place.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on October 13, 2017, 06:36:15 PM
The more I think about it, I think that I must have been younger than I thought I was - when I thought the events took place - i.e. a very small child. .. but the initial abuse could have happened as young as 2 years of age? I find this awful.
Hope, it is awful! But it's also very possible. The younger a child is, the less she can protect herself, or even realise what's going on enough to protect herself. I'm standing with you.
Quote from: Hope66 on October 13, 2017, 06:36:15 PM
I partly felt the need to return here to re-read what I wrote because my partner commented today that he thinks that I am 'protecting' my parents (FOO) and that I often minimise their behaviour to me - he is clear that they have done things that he feels are NOT RIGHT - and he points out to me that I sometimes try to look for 'reasons' why they would do that - rather than condemning them for inappropriate behaviour.
I'm still minimising I think, and looking for 'reasons'. Sometimes when somebody like my T or somebody on here points something out, as inappropriate behaviour on the part of FOO to me, I'm :stars: Never seen it that way before. Even when you are NC or me VLC, it probably can still take a long time to really see how bad things were and to really admit that these people who were meant to love us unconditionally and be there for us,
were so not. Standing with you here too. Your partner is standing with you too - that sounds good.
Quote from: Hope66 on October 13, 2017, 06:36:15 PM
Trigger warning TW...
My sister thinks that they are 'sadistic' - I've not been able to go so far as to think those things
I've been told M's behaviour to me was 'sadistic' but that doesn't go visceral enough for me to feel it, which can be self-protection. In your case too maybe. These things take time and strength to weather. Take the time you need. :hug: :hug:
I know it's not always easy for you, this reconnection with your sister... but I envy you a little that she doesn't downplay and deny what was done to you. My sibs do. Things were done to them too. They don't remember and/or they believe it doesn't affect anybody anymore (except crazy Blueberry, who should get on with her life)
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much for everything you've said here - I wanted to quote something you'd said to highlight it, but can't seem to work out how to do that, so I'll put it here: You said: "that doesn't go visceral enough for me to feel it, which can be self-protection. " and that resonated with me. I think we do 'protect' ourselves from realising the full horror or significance of realising that the ones who were supposed to have our best interests at heart, didn't actually act as they should have done. It is hard to adjust to that in so many ways.
Hope :)
Hi again Blueberry,
I was also thinking about what you said about how your siblings don't acknowledge what happened to you - and that must be really tough - with regard to my sister - I feel that whilst she doesn't downplay what happened to me, I don't think that she really understands what it was like for me - especially as she never tried to find me, and she didn't kick up a fuss to the authorities about the fact that I was left in the care of my FOO, whilst she effectively chose to live elsewhere - when she was 16 years old. I feel like she was my elder sister - 8 years older, and she should have looked out for me - but she didn't.
I don't feel I can say that to her. When I mentioned to her that I was disappointed that she didn't look for me, she told me that 'the spirits told me it wasn't the right time, and that you would contact me in the future' - I found that quite exasperating to hear in a way.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on October 14, 2017, 01:18:57 PM
Hi again Blueberry,
with regard to my sister - I feel that whilst she doesn't downplay what happened to me, I don't think that she really understands what it was like for me - especially as she never tried to find me, and she didn't kick up a fuss to the authorities about the fact that I was left in the care of my FOO, whilst she effectively chose to live elsewhere - when she was 16 years old. I feel like she was my elder sister - 8 years older, and she should have looked out for me - but she didn't.
I don't feel I can say that to her. When I mentioned to her that I was disappointed that she didn't look for me, she told me that 'the spirits told me it wasn't the right time, and that you would contact me in the future' - I found that quite exasperating to hear in a way.
Hope, I take back what I said. I don't envy you at all, now that I know more of the context. (Note to self: Be less hasty in judgement next time.) I can commiserate instead.
I read your Unsent Letter to her, and I'm glad that at least there you were able to express your feelings, even if you can't in direct contact with her. I was really impressed about the way you can write that you have a different belief system but you don't criticise her "the spirits told me" kind of stuff. I would find those kinds of comments pretty exasperating too. :hug:
Blueberry, I found your reply very validating - and I feel emotional about it, but I know that's a good thing - as seeing you 'quote' my statements about my sister back at me, it really highlighted things - I have been feeling over-whelmed this week, at many levels - and when I think about it, I'm not surprised - it's a lot to take in regarding everything, and I think I just need to take things slowly - afterall, there isn't any 'rush' - I'm probably not making sense to you, or rather - I probably am, as I do feel you understand all of this FOO stuff - but I just wanted to say - I really found your reply really helpful. Thank you. :)
TW - *** Mentioning CSA issues
I'm more panicky than I should be, as I struggled to get in here today - I'd updated my computer and I had difficulty with various password issues, and then I couldn't access here - and so I feel more anxious than I should be - but also I feel a burning pressure to 'get out' some of my thoughts and feelings relating to my childhood sexual abuse - already feeling tearful as I experience the emotion of this.
I triggered myself earlier when I went into another thread - and mentioned some of the things that FOO said to me as a child - and particularly the comment by my F about my teenage body - saying "I've seen it all before" - this was when I must have been wanting him to give me some much needed privacy as a teenager, and him not respecting my privacy - and telling me he'd seen my body before.
Yes, he had seen it, and he had crossed the line too many times - I have a strong memory of him when I was very very young - and having talked about this in the forum, I think I might have been as young as 2 years old or thereabouts - but I really don't know. I also know that when I was very little - I remember masturbating and knowing what an orgasm felt like - and yet I was very tiny.
As a young girl and a teenager he often used to look at me in a way that wasn't right - he would tweak my breasts and put his hand out to 'goose me' when I passed by close to him or sat down - that's not right.
I have a horrible memory of one time when I was about ?8 years old, and I was dancing to song on the radio and he was outside the window in the garden, and I knew he was watching me, and I started to dance in a provocative and 'sexualised way' as if to get his attention and that sickens me that he had caused me to end up doing that. Also, what he said to me later that day was 'It's a good job you aren't going to make your living by dancing, as you're not very good at it' - or similar words to that - it made me feel ugly and bad at even dancing - but the lurid thing about that is that I was a small girl trying to get my own father's attention in a sexualised way. He basically made me feel as if I was groomed into doing that.
I feel angry and upset when I think of this, and it sickens me to think of it - but I can't help thinking about it, and wishing things had been different.
I don't feel up to writing more now - because this feels enough right now. But I'm glad I've written it out - because I know it's helped me before to write about it.
If you're reading this, thank you for doing so. I hope I've not triggered anyone too much - I can imagine it is triggering.
I think it's good that I feel anger about this. Because it wasn't right. He shouldn't have done what he did to me.
Hope :) (I always put a smile after my name, I know it seems incongruous in the circumstance of what I've written, but it makes me feel better to add it).
:hug:
I don't feel up to writing much, but I'm happy for you that you feel anger about this, because what F did to you was not right.
I feel so angry on your behalf Hope, if that's okay... I can't imagine how that's all affected you. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced.
argh this sadly resonates with me too - way too much. probably should've heeded the trigger warning (I can be a like a moth to a flame, still looking for answers methinks)
Anyway - I am super sorry you had all this happen to you! So young and so repeated from dodgy people. Should have a been a safe place. Family should always be the safest place.
Great job on speaking up here and cutting ties... be kind and patient with yourself. You are brave and strong X
Hi Blueberry, AphoticAtrementous & Deptofhearts,
Thank you all for your replies - I appreciate each of them, and feel validated by them - and supported too. That means a lot.
Hope :)
OMG, I'm so sorry. I had a similar instance with my father's father (my granfather), he grabbed my boobs and started to squeeze them... I was very numb at that moment but when I think about it I feel sick (se me revuelven las tripas)... I know it's nothing compared to what happened to you, I just wanted you to know that something similar happened to me...
Hi Blancalap,
I am so sorry to hear you had that experience with your Grandfather. :hug: to you. Thank you for sharing your experience, and relating to me - and your experience is horrible. I am sorry you had to experience that.
Hope :)
Big hug to you Hope66
Big hugs, Hope. This is such a long journey you've survived. I am amazed and proud of you with how far you've come.
Yes, anger is reasonable. Justified. Validating to your own sensibilities.
The Mama-bear in me wants to roar at your father 'HOW DARE YOU?!' Mama-bear would love to grab up little Hope, run away from that place and keep you safe from such a man. Mama bear would love to teach little Hope that all parts of HER body belong to HER and that each part is precious. Only HOPE gets to decide who touches and how. Even Mommies and Daddies and doctors don't get to decide for Hope, because her body doesn't belong to them.
Mama-bear is angry that little Hope had to know anything about any of this. Mama-bear wants to scream at all the selfish, cruel abusers in this world - your father chief among them - and say, 'STOP! Get a toy of you want to play, but children are to be cherished, nurtured, loved, taught the healthy ways of the world - AGE APPROPRIATELY. You don't OWN your child, you are graced with their presence for a few years only. Those years can be wonderful or horrible depending on who YOU choose to be - adult.'
Now, Mama-bear wants to take all the young who suffer from CSA and keep them safe. Show them the real love that children should know from parents. That hearing 'I hate you' from a loved child hurts, but can be survived. That these little humans are not toys, nor are they possessions. They belong to themselves. They are with parents to learn how to be in this world. To be shown and to learn to show love.
Ugh, my post is a long one yet again. I'm sorry, but Mama-bear took over the keyboard and wanted to protect the little girl who years ago had to deal with such wrongness. Mama-bear wants you to know you are loved, you are valuable, you are precious - little Hope and grown-up Hope. Be angry, if that helps you heal. Stomp and rage, if that helps you heal. What you feel, that anger and disappointment and sadness, that's all very normal. :hug:
Hi BlancaLap - thank you :)
Hi Wife2 - Big hugs back to you as well :hug: - I read your lovely reply yesterday, and I was affected very strongly and emotionally by the amazing Mama-bear in you - who literally came out and protected little Hope and adult Hope - and made me feel so emotional and validated and tears flowed from my eyes, but they were tears of feeling like someone really cared enough to want to protect Little Hope - and basically I don't think anyone really took that role in my childhood, as noone thought I was being violated - but my space, my body, my mind, they were all violated in various ways. Thank you!
I could actually picture Mama-Bear in my imagination - and she was really powerful in her protectiveness - I even used that image whilst I was having some flash-backs at night - which often happen - as I do ruminate about what happened to me, more than I realise really. It was helpful to see Mama-bear and know she'd protect me, and I was able to go back to sleep that bit sooner.
I hope that other people will read your words - and substitute their own names where 'Little Hope' and 'Adult Hope' are - because I really think it would help to cope.
Wife 2 - thank you for saying that my anger is "reasonable. Justified. Validating to my own sensibilities" - that means so much.
I feel emotional again - thinking about this, but honestly, you have really helped me in what you said. I think Mama-bear is really going to be part of my life - she can be part of my Family of Choice (FOC) and help me to stand strong against the injustices that came from my Family of Origin (FOO).
I feel stronger going into this day ahead. Thank you.
Hope :)
Forgive the need to give you a huge Mama-Bear hug. I also had an image, much like the bears used in commercials. She is big and she is ferocious in defending her babies. She would die to protect you. YOU are worth that much. Keep Mama-Bear in your heart, I am honored that you have welcomed her there.
Mama-Bear is right behind you, encouraging you, letting you know that you have a RIGHT to think for yourself, do for yourself, be yourself. If she sees you faltering, she will be ready to jump in front of you. Not to invalidate, but to support you until you feel the courage to stand in front again. Those who doubt, who invalidate, who diminish, they will get to see her huge fangs and revealed claws. They will get a face full of her breath as she roars them back away from you.
You have my permission to copy these posts as you see fit. I meant them for you, but if you want to share them, they are your gift to do with as you please.
One last Mama-Bear hug!
Hope,
You should always be allowed to feel like dancing as if no one is watching.
As for fierce momma bear... the momma bear in the Leonardo De Caprio movie The Revenant...is as about as fierce as you'll ever see. And if you scare easily...please do not try to see that.
Andy :phoot:
Hi Wife2 - Your Mama Bear has been so comforting as an image for me - I have used it in my imagination to tackle some of the memories, and it has helped. Thank you!
Hi Andy - Yes, I've seen that film, and you're right, that Bear in The Revenant is frightening indeed!!! It shows what a bear will do if provoked.
I've made the bear more cuddly - as she's my "Mama Bear" but it's good to know what she could be capable of, in the right circumstances!
Thank you both.
Hope :)
Just wanted to add that it was a lovely thing to say that someone should be able to feel like you can dance without anyone watching, that is lovely. Thank you Andy.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on December 15, 2017, 10:58:13 AM
Just wanted to add that it was a lovely thing to say that someone should be able to feel like you can dance without anyone watching, that is lovely. Thank you Andy.
Hope :)
You're quite welcome Hope.
It's amazing how ideas can change us. Totally invisible, yet powerful in their own ways. Without people, these ideas would have never been born. We keep them alive, and some of them can be deeply healing.
Hi Andy & Decimal Rocket,
Appreciate both your comments very much. :)
Hope :)
Because people are being nice to you, Mama Bear is curled up with a paw next to you. All you need do is tap her paw and she'll be up. She may seem asleep. You may crawl all over her soft Mama fur and find that just-right spot to feel safe, comfortable and loved. Where ever you end up, she'll be one tap away from wakefulness and readiness.
Hi Wife2,
I love having 'Mama Bear' as a Protector, she is incredible, and so are you, for bringing her into my life - thank you so much - just imagining her lying sleeping, but being reactive if I need her - it is very consoling to me at so many levels, and most of all I think my Inner Children really feel her presence and it's made them feel braver and more bold - less afraid.
:hug: to you, and to Mama Bear. :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Just stopped by to see how you doin? That momma bear 🐻 next to you sure is real big! Pretty color! Kodiak bear?
Andy
Hi Andy,
Yes, I think that Mama Bear is a Kodiak bear - they are huge!!! Very protective.
Hope :)
:)
Hi Hope,
Kodiaks are massive! Like Polar Bears but brown.
Andy :phoot:
Hi Andy,
Yes, I was looking at some photos of them on the internet, and they are incredibly big.
Hope :)
Hope,
Big enough to scare off even the most incessant aggressor. ;D :bighug:
Andy :phoot:
Since Mama-Bear is in our imaginations, she's free to roam around your memories, join them and protect Little Hope and Adult Hope from the scariness of those memories. She can't rewrite history, but she can give you something to change the focus, to remove the horror, to protect you from the 'THEM' that live in those memories.
Mama-Bear helped me through these past few days in my real life. It was healing. I can look back, say it did happen, it was real, it did hurt, then look away to Mama-Bear and her soft, loving eyes. She's taken those memories for me. They're not gone, their effects can still be felt at my choosing. I chose to give them to Mama-Bear to hold for me. So, now I can move out into the world and BE ME, not those memories of me, not who I think others should or want to see as me. I can be ME.
She's there, by your side, ready to take possession of any memories you want to give her. To be done with them, if possible. To acknowledge they existed, they were real. But, they don't get to define Little Hope or Adult Hope anymore. Mama-Bear will help you take their sting away. Even if it means she takes the sting herself - a small thing in protecting her Hope. She loves Hope completely. All of the complicated wonderfulness that is Hope.
She knows she can't fix everything, but she'll fix what you allow her to, on YOUR time table as YOU are ready - because she is YOUR Mama-Bear. She's here to help you, not mold or shape or control you in any way. YOU get to set the boundaries, practicing on her what can help you in your real life. She is willing, because she loves you. Not the manipulative love that some use against us. That healthy, boundary-accepting, encouraging, cherishing love that many of us missed. The kind of love you have always deserved.
:hug:
Hi Andy, Yes, definitely big enough - a great protector.
Hi Wife2, Thank you so much for writing this about Mama Bear - your words mean a lot - and I will keep them close - because they are just what I need - and thank you so much.
:hug:
Hope :)
Little Hope wants me to write this, because for her, I think it's her very first memory - but we're not sure... But she remembers that F came into the bedroom and she remembers not feeling comfortable about whatever he did, but she doesn't know what it is. Just that she was happier when he had gone away again. It really isn't clear.
Then she reminded me of the recurrent dream that Little Hope used to have of the Flying Moths - they were enormous and they would fly in a long stream in the sky - just big big wings all flapping in slow motion - that used to happen so regularly and it didn't feel very good. Little Hope wants me to write about that here, because she thinks it's important - and liked to her early experiences. We both wonder what is behind that recurrent dream. She reminds me of it at the moment, as she communicates with me more. So I'm writing about it here.
Then an older Hope remembers being in a bath, and feeling very lonely and feeling exposed - so alone, just wet and exposed.
We all wished that F wouldn't have access to the toilet like he used to - like he could just burst in when any of Little Hopes were bathing, and it was like he could then look at Little Hope, and even older Hope.
Little Hope felt like she wanted his love - but she didn't want him touching her. She wanted her space.
Adult Hope read in a newspaper today about how dogs turn onto their backs and show their tummies to their owners as a sign of 'trust' and yet the expert talked of how the owner's misunderstood and tickled the dog's tummies - and yet the dogs didn't really like that, but learned to 'put up with it' - and Little Hope related to this, because she was tickled in places that she'd rather not have been tickled in, as if it was a joke and very funny to both her parents - yet she hadn't shown her sensitive parts as a sign of trust - or maybe she did initially and then that was abused. Trust was abused. That is what I'm trying to say, and really - parents should 'know better' - they should know how to look after a child and shouldn't treat them that way.
Hope :)
you're absolutely right hope - parents should know better, should be protective like mama bear, should respect their children's privacy needs, and, ultimately, should allow their child to be able to trust that whatever the child says or feels is validated, accepted, and explored in a way to bring relief and reassurance to a child's anxieties.
you and your little hopes are so brave, so courageous, even if it doesn't feel like it. i give you all a lot of credit for sharing this. may i give you a bouquet of spring flowers to enjoy? (hope you're not allergic). white tulips, yellow daffodils, and some blue hyacinths. love and a gentle hug coming your way as well.
Oh, Hope.
I really understand what you are saying, about feeling lonely and exposed and invaded.
My parents viewed the absence of a lock on the bathroom door as a source of pride. Pride in the fact that we were such a close family, that there was no embarrassment or shame in all of our nakedness.
When I was in the bath, mother would often send father to collect a tea towel from the airing cupboard in the bathroom. As I grew older, I tried to hide my nakedness, never brave enough to say anything, but father reported this to mother and I was soundly ridiculed for being a prude, and I have come to realise, for giving them another example of how I did not want to belong to the family. I think my father did give me a bit more privacy as time went on (and we moved house, so less excuse in the new place), but the price I paid to maintain my privacy, was further scapegoating and isolation and emotional abuse. To me, this was an issue of growing up and individuation from them. To them, it was hostile, and, I suppose, abusive and rejecting, by me.
Little Libby is absolutely with Little Hope on this issue. It was very wrong, trust was abused and lost and our parents should have known and done better.
Well done, Hope. You have given Little Hope a voice and we support and applaud you for this.
Hugs,
Libby.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your validation here - it means a lot :hug: both to me and to Little Hope. :hug: Thank you also for the beautiful Spring flowers - they are so beautiful and meaningful too - thank you. :) What I was amazed by was that after I wrote what I wrote here (on behalf of Little Hope) and then when I re-read it again, Little Hope nearly 'came out of my chest' - it felt like she pushed her way through my breast bone and out of my chest - I'm not kidding - very strongly felt reaction - and it's not the first time she's done that. I was talking to my partner one day about how I had felt that he showed he truely cared for me - one time when I had hit my head, and was in pain - and how he had showed caring and love towards me, and I was telling him that it had felt so unusual to hear that someone 'actually cared about me' - and at that moment, the physical pain of Little Hope crashing through my chest happened again - right then and there. It's like she violently reacts to the emotion of that. I don't know if you relate to the intensity of that feeling, it was a bit shocking to me. I just wanted to share that with you.
Hi Libby,
Thank you so much for your reply here, and it means a lot that you shared what you said about feeling lonely and exposed and invaded - I am so sorry that we've both had to experience feeling like that and I want to say I hear and understand what you're saying, and it's tough to have experienced that. :hug: to you, if that's ok.
Giving Little Hope a voice is such a big thing - I hadn't really realised how much it would mean to hear her and to validate her experiences, and how much she wanted me to do that for her. It's like she's been waiting dormant and frozen - alone and afraid, and now I'm reaching out to her and taking her hand, and she can't believe it - someone has actually seen her, and heard her, and is listening to her. It means a lot.
Libby & SanMagic - thank you both - :hug: to you both.
Hope :)
that is so very cool, for both of you. i've got a great big grin on my face right now cuz i'm so happy for you both. i haven't had that sensation myself, but i can definitely imagine it. so very glad little hope is being heard, seen, and taken care of. it's wonderful. love and hugs all around.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - I've only just seen your reply here now, and I appreciate it - very much. :hug: to you.
*****
Trigger warnings throughout - mentioning more graphic things than I'm used to doing:
Just writing a bit more today - here in the Sexual Abuse diary where I'm tending to disclose things - because I've noticed more fragments of memory and also more flashes of thoughts related to sexual issues - which I believe are due to my experiences of SA. I've been 'getting in communication' with my wounded/fragmented parts, and I've started to feel the presence of a part which may have seen and experienced some of those things more directly than I had realised previously - i.e. during the night last night I was 'shown' flashes of what looked like adult genitalia - but it was in a weird way - as if it was like the genitalia of an old man of the Sea - rather than a normal person, - i.e. like the kind of scene you'd see in a Pirates of the Caribbean film where they show a mer-man - but it was frightening to see that, and it was vivid.
I've also had flashbacks to when I was between the ages of 8 to 11 years of age, but maybe I was younger - I really don't know - but I remember seeing the erect penis of a dog - which was our household dog, and the feeling at the time that I wanted to somehow sit on it. Previously I have pushed that thought aside, but in this past week it's been coming at me quite vividly.
I also have a memory from a very very young age - of being in a bedroom where I was in a ?cot and I could hear my parents 'doing something' - and feeling very upset and crying out in my sleep - and I have wondered if that was them sharing a room with me (at a young age) and maybe having sex, and me not understanding what they were doing.
I've also had flashbacks/thoughts about past occasions when I've had internal examinations - both the regular ones, that need to be done - like cervical smears and the like - and how I've felt quite violated by those - although I've managed to cope, but also - remembering how I went to see a GP when I was in my 20's, and actually asked the male GP to examine me to find a tampon that I had 'lost inside' - because I was terrified that I would have some kind of infection from it - I remember the shock on the doctor's face, as he appeared surprised that I'd ask such a thing, but he did get an assistant to observe and he 'had a look' - somehow at some level, I wonder if I was trying to say 'Please help me, find out if I've been sexually abused - look and find the bad part inside of me' - that is how that feels to me.
I remember going to a Clairvoyant weekend, where you can get your palm read and fortune told, and I had some Reiki from a woman there, and she told me that there was 'badness' inside - pointing at my uterus area - and she said there was 'dark energy' there. That stayed with me, in terms of hearing that and wondering why she would see that in me.
I also know that I have never felt able to fantasise - i.e. sexually - people can ask or talk about their fantasies, and I would always think - But I don't think I have any - it was as if it was repressed away, because of my sexual issues.
I was also incredibly fearful of certain sexual practices, and am thankful that I have a loving and caring partner.
I'm finding that writing things in this diary is helpful, as it is like I can 'put those things here' - and whilst I'm writing about these things, I can hear a part in my head saying to me - "How awful that others will now have to read about all of this stuff - what is wrong with you?" - but you know, I really feel the need to share my thoughts and my feelings about this, as it's tough to keep it inside - and as I write this, I can feel myself whelling up with emotion, because I do feel compassion for myself, and I guess that is positive, because it means I'm communicating with that hurt and upset part of myself - who has felt violated by whatever has gone on in my early experience - and I'm going to get through this, and air it, and hopefully dry out the horrible nature of it.
I actually feel quite annoyed that even writing this, it feels as if I'm locked in some Victorian Gothic novel, if that makes sense - it's like it's through some sticky treacle rather than writing with clarity. Maybe it's because there's a protective element that is there - from something or someone - maybe my inner parts continue to protect me in that way, I'm not sure. I am glad I've written about it though, as I already feel less tension. Thank you for reading, if you have - and I really hope I've not triggered anyone too much.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Trying to get a little cuaght up, while keeping somehwat current on my journal too. Been too long away from here and my other community. Was too muhc, too overwhelming to even think of coming here. But Since I recently started new t(who is totally faboulous!) I've felt that I can handle here and my other place.
Little Hope, sweetheart, you are a precious gem, as beautiful as any flower imagineable. we are so so sorry you had no privacy when bathing. We never did, till big teenager, then mommy stayed out. But by then we lived in a house that mommy and daddy had their own private bath, so no real reason for mommy to come to ours anymore. Mommy used to walk in on us all the time too. Sometimes we hide under the bubbles in water, she not see us so easy then.
We know aobut tickles too....too much, can't breathe...
Little HOpe, we say you so very very brave sharing here with Big Hope. ;D Can give big hugs??? if safe? :bighug: little andy not so big so his big hug is really kinda little. But him like giving hugs to special friends who need them. He think you so smart and brave to talk and share with Big Hope
Dream with big moths...make us wonder. Make us a little uneasy...big things scare us sometimes.
:wave: Hi little libby!!! We sorry you not have safe bath times either.
Big Hope, when she crashes through you...is that cuz she wants to feel that safe gentle love too? Sound like that what she wants. We not have that, maybe cuz we boys, and you girls? The reaction, not getting love, I mean. WE do feel hurts and pain or scares when little andy get s them . Sometimes he get lonely and scared at nightime, so we squeeze our stuffed puppy tight and curl up under blankets on bed.
Little hope, you not alone anymore, not have to be afraid no more either. We friends here, can be friends for you, too, if you like. little andy not have very many friends cuz him lose some friends the other week.
Hope, I find it quite curious, when you mentioned being in the same room while they were being close. Both of my brothers have said that they have heard through the walls, at various places we've lived. And one brother is completely deaf in one ear. Yet, I, who does have some hearing loss, but not as severe, can't remember ever hearing a single sound that sounded like they were being close. Only explanation I can come up with is that my mind blocked it out becuase of everything else. So our ears heard but our mind didn't listen.
How you mean not able to fanticize? Like day dream? Or sexually? We survived on fantasies. When younger, it was superhero stuff or other things. But to make it through s*x with abusive wife, fantacized about others. Maybe we sound pathetic, now, huh? Is okay. we used to it.
It not awful that you share here, dear sweet Hope. Not at all. Is very brave. Besides we all here have our own scary dark things too. Nothing wrong with you at all. Nothing. You very very brave. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Andy
Hi Andy,
Little Hope and Adult Hope appreciate all that you and Little Andy wrote here - thank you so much. :hug: to you.
I thought it was interesting what you said about how ears can hear, but the mind doesn't listen sometimes - it's hard to process things sometimes, depending what is going on, and I feel that our brains protected us perhaps from things that were too tough for little minds to bear.
I can day-dream. Glad you were able to make it through with superhero stuff. I don't think you sound pathetic at all - you have found ways to survive things, and that's important too.
Thank you for sharing your experiences Andy, and safe hugs to you :hug: :hug: You are brave.
Hope :)
Hi big and little Hopes. :wave: :wave: :wave: :grouphug: hug everyone!!!
Just hit me, maybe the minds not listening to what ears hearing is another dissociative process? We have lots and lots of lost time...all those missing memories of normal childhood stuffs. We don't actually remember dissociating, or anything when we was little.
Hmmm, first time we did that kind of thing, from what returned memory showed us...we were 13 and being sa/r in open public place, lots of bystanders....Boy Scout Jamboree in Munich, Germany. Had the fishbowl thing, derealization...depersonalization...not sure which. Was like we were in a big glass box, and nobody saw or heard anything.
How come they not see us??? :'( ??? :blink: :fallingbricks: :'( :'( :'( We seee them just walking by...why not see big older man doing this to us???
Then BoyScouts we knew came bye and we escaped bad man. But had to lie to other boys say man was our uncle. Cuz we really do actually have German relatives. And he could have been German great-uncle. Could have, but wasn't. Hmmm, why boys see, but not anyone else? Hmmmm...what that mean???
Sorry Hopes, this your place, not ours. We can change it if you want. :'( :'( :'( WE try so so hard be brave, you know? Cuz boys 'posed to be brave. But sometmes we just super sacred and freeze up too. Thannnk you for saying we brave. :) Brave is so much hard work. :hug:
Hi Andy,
I am glad that you were able to write about your experience here - and :hug: to you - I am sorry that no one appeared to see what was happening and that no one intervened to stop it - that is not right. It shouldn't have happened to you - I am sorry that it did. :hug: to you. I know you have tried to be brave, and I think you have been brave - I understand that you were super scared, and that you froze up - and I wish you could have had someone to come and stop it happening and protect you.
Take care Andy, and thank you for the hugs - Big and Little Hopes appreciate them, and wishing you continued bravery, if that feeling feels right to you. But give yourself some rest too - I know it's hard work being brave, and sometimes maybe it's ok just to 'be' whatever you want to be for a while.
Not sure if I'm making sense here.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Thank you so much for letting us write that stuff. You know....I still get all .... :Idunno: about that one....I mean, I cant understand the whole derealization or depersonalization that was happening...that whole in a fishbowl experience. I can see it in my mind right now....so so so weird. ??? Really did feel like we were invisible...you know? Could be maybe they didn't see cuz they didn't want to? like turn blind eye away from 12-13 year old me getting sa/r by man....mentally disabled with some gray hair. DDdone with that now.. too much ooops .
Talk other stuff now. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Being brave takes concentration and lots and lots of energy. Makes us sooo tired. too. Yeah sometimes we just get off the train and let it go on without us. Catch it a few days later at it goes by again. Started to call off work or leave early too. Not too much, but just when we really need to. Wife never ever ever ever allow that. But we not know all this stuff then. So it was just the cptsd effecting us with no understanding what it was or why we have it. And she not allow taking time off work with out her approval. She usually allow that for like regular dr appointments and stuff, but for mental health day or what ever...oh no no no. But now can! ;D Been super helpful too. And I do have a lot of time saved up...could actually take 2 months off from work, paid, between sick and vacation time.
HOpes...big and little, you been so so nice to us, we say thank you so so much. :grouphug: all us hugging all you.
HOpe made lots of good sense, yes! And even said it with words that we understand easily. Thank yo for that. We have problems when some use big words and stuff. Confuses us. Makes us feel little and stupid. So... :bigwink: we so glad you use smart words we know and understand. Thank yhou so so much for that, Hope.
Andy
Hi Andyman,
Sorry I didn't see your reply till today - and sending you hugs :hug:
**********
Just wanted to write about something that happened last night - as it's triggered me into an EF and I think it will help me to write about it. I feel quite anxious and upset as I write this, and I tried to settle - and get on with the day, but I think that I need to write about this - and as it is related to CSA - I am writing it here.
I think that whilst doing dot-to-dots (which is my way of relaxing and being mindful) - the content of those was Christmas themes, and featured Father Christmas - and I recognised that those were causing me to feel triggered - and I've thought about the link between Father Christmas and CSA - in that my F did sexually abuse me (I think so) - and he actually looks quite a lot like Father Christmas - in that he has a beard, and his beard is now white - literally he looks a lot like him.
Anyway, last night I was sleeping, but when I went to sleep I was having a flashback of one of my earliest memories, which is of being in my cot as a young toddler and it's like I feel that my F is there, and that he's doing something that I don't feel right about - but it's like I'm watching him do it from the side - and I have wondered what it was he was doing. So that was what I was contemplating when I was falling asleep. I also had the feeling that my partner wanted to be intimate - but I wasn't feeling like I wanted to reciprocate that - I was feeling a bit down, and I wanted to sleep.
My memories of my dreams were that I was in the process of moving house - all my belongings packed and I was on a ship in the middle of the sea - there was the similar theme of having to rush to pack everything - this is a theme I get from time to time, and I did have to move many many times in my earlier life - so it is something I am used to feeling.
In the morning, my partner told me that I had been talking a lot in my sleep. I asked him what I had said, and he was a bit perturbed and said I probably wouldn't like it - but I asked him, and he told me "You said 'Stop it, Dad'. Then he said that I had seemed to be unsure who he was. So perhaps I had reverted to a very young me, at that time, and was disorientated to place and also to who he was.
I then felt concerned for him, and how that might have made him feel, and also for myself.
The effect on me is that I am feeling quite upset - it is upsetting that my thoughts and concerns about my F and his inappropriate behaviour to me in the past is affecting me so much - I hate it. I need to get these emotions out - and I am really upset about it.
I'm glad I'm writing it here - because as I write, I can feel a release of the emotions - it's like parts of me are crying out - wanting to let it out.
I am aware I'm feeling extra stressed today as I have a social thing I've agreed to - and somehow that is feeling quite a big mountain to get through. So maybe I'm just a bit over-whelmed at the moment. I need to do quite a few things this morning to get ready for this social thing - i must do them. I need to get myself together. I need to cope today without letting emotion out - I don't want to cry infront of anyone - I feel like I need a mask today that will protect me.
I'm having a strong cup of coffee now - I dont' know if that's a good thing or not - but that's what I'm doing.
I do feel better for having written this down here.
Hope :)
I know there hasn't been a post here for a while, but wanted to say a few things since this thread has been particularly important to me.
Thank you, Hope66, for being willing to share these memories. It helps reinforce the truth that my own memories of childhood CSA are valid. Your courage is awe inspiring.
Wife#2 – Your Mama-Bear has so much power for me. My T has encouraged me to visualize my "safe space" and I have now been able to bring a beautiful brown grizzly into the space to help all the little Ferals that occupy this amazing place. She will be a powerful symbol of love, protection and strength as I continue on this path to understanding. Her beauty and strength bring tears of gratitude to my eyes.
Andyman73 – Your wisdom and kindness give me a more optimistic outlook for what is ahead.
I want to write more, but feel overwhelmed. To everyone on this thread, I want to say thank you from the depths of my heart.
Hi Feral Child,
I am so sorry that I didn't see your reply till today (24th August 2019) - so much later than when you wrote here. I am Hope67 and was originally Hope66 too, so I started this thread, and I found that Wife2's Mama-Bear has been so powerful in my processing of my experiences, and I still think of her at night, and feel more protected as a result of that. I am so glad to hear that you have found this thread to be particularly important to you, and that it has helped reinforce the truth that your own memories of childhood CSA are valid, that is very good to hear. I also agree with you about what you said about Andyman73's wisdom and kindness and his optimistic outlook for what is ahead, and I have drawn strength from that too.
So thank you for writing what you wrote, and for having the strength to do that, as I can see you want to write more, and you felt overwhelmed, but you wrote many things here. I hope you are ok, and I wish you the best.
Hope :)
Hope,
I have not read your most recent posts as I fear it may be too triggering for me right now. However, without knowing details, want to send you support and compassion.
Dear Hope 67 - Thank you for your kind and understanding reply. Please don't feel concern for not replying sooner. I've been away from the forum processing a lot of stuff. The nice thing is that I see overall healing in spite of a few bad days. I attribute so much of my progress to the gentle support and inspiration I find here on this thread and the forum as a whole.
We all have to find our own way to navigate the treacherous past but we are not alone. Heartfelt thanks to all who are here. To quote from a favorite You Tuber, "I'm sending you all a big hug."
:bighug:
:bighug: to us all!
:bighug: