Does anyone else feel like they're judged really harshly sometimes for having had a horrible childhood? When I had my breakdown last winter my own mother in law who I thought might show some compassion after having anxiety herself and her own difficult mother seemed to instead completely distance herself from me. I've since learnt that rather than asking me personally about the difficulties I've had with my father she chose to ask my sister in law behind my back at a barbecue we hosted, as though it was a juicy piece of gossip. It really angers me that as soon as you're not happy or bubbly when in another person's company they just run away as though they're going to catch something, yet they still want the insider info on what's going wrong in your life.
I really feel like I've been judged harshly for not having a good relationship with my father too, even though I endured so much pain and terror when I lived alone with him. Why is it always the abused that end up being the ones who people think should fix everything?! It really drives me crazy. :fallingbricks:
Sorry no real point to this message other than to rant! Does anyone else relate?
Hi Blues,
To be honest I don't know the answer to this as it took me years to confide in anyone and even now there are very few people that know my background. Even on here I can be quite reticent to share. I'm sure others will come on here and share their experiences.
The only thing I can relate too is having something wrong that people can't see. I have MS and have had it a long time but unless you saw me struggling in a relapse you wouldn't know the was anything wrong. I've lost a lot of friends and even some family can't cope with it. Especially as sometimes I have to cancel at the last minute because I'm ill or just too damn tired.
My guess is though that in this case it's your Mother in law, in line with many of the last generation still struggle terribly with mental health. I find my youngest children understand it more than my peers or elders.
Just my twopence worth but there are a lot of people like her around. Just chalk it up to experience and next time share with someone you know who will at least show some sympathy.
In the meantime take a :hug:, it's miserable feeling 'different', believe me with arthritis, MS, IBS and CPTSD I know.
Yes, blues cruise, I can relate. Lots of "you shouldn't"s and "don't feel so"s from friends and family. Sometimes I think it's ignorance, sometimes I think it's guilt or helplessness from not being able to "fix" me.
Hang in there!
I've gone no contact with my bat $hi+ crazy mother-in-law. We have that right!
Yes I can blues cruise, although its from my FOO. When things get bad i'm left well alone, and they talk about me amongst themselves - and i'm not sure who else - until I pull myself out of the slump.
Actually they did this while the traumas were happening. So needless to say I have very little contact with them as a result. They are the main reason for my anger, more so than the traumas.
It's funny, but I just realized that I have been NC from most members of my FOO for so long that I have avoided the entire situation of having to explain my progress and healing and never even had to address feeling less-than-normal with them. With friends, I only ever have talked about therapy or my struggles with one or two. The one I share most with (and even then hardly ever) is a trained therapist herself who happens to be a school counselor at my school. So no, I don't think sharing our struggles is particularly a good idea. I also have several other "hidden" disabilities such as psoriasis and IBS. People understand those much more than Cptsd.
Thanks for the replies everyone, it's sad to think that other people struggle with this too but also a comfort to know that there are those out there who understand. :hug:
To be honest it's not like I even expect too much support from the monster in law, it would just be nice to not feel like I'm a complete social pariah in her presence. I seem to just get a weird stare from her whenever I try to make an effort as though she can't make me out. :stars: I don't think she's particularly self aware herself so probably doesn't bother trying to figure out why someone else's personality would completely change from happy and content to blatantly troubled.
Quote from: Sweetsixty on July 08, 2016, 03:23:46 PM
Hi Blues,
To be honest I don't know the answer to this as it took me years to confide in anyone and even now there are very few people that know my background. Even on here I can be quite reticent to share. I'm sure others will come on here and share their experiences.
The only thing I can relate too is having something wrong that people can't see. I have MS and have had it a long time but unless you saw me struggling in a relapse you wouldn't know the was anything wrong. I've lost a lot of friends and even some family can't cope with it. Especially as sometimes I have to cancel at the last minute because I'm ill or just too damn tired.
My guess is though that in this case it's your Mother in law, in line with many of the last generation still struggle terribly with mental health. I find my youngest children understand it more than my peers or elders.
Just my twopence worth but there are a lot of people like her around. Just chalk it up to experience and next time share with someone you know who will at least show some sympathy.
In the meantime take a :hug:, it's miserable feeling 'different', believe me with arthritis, MS, IBS and CPTSD I know.
Thank you Sweetsixty. :hug: Sounds like you have a lot to silently cope with, to have CPTSD on top of your physical illnesses must be hard. I think you're right that it's probably a generation thing, mental health awareness seems to increasingly be on the radar these days thankfully. For instance, I admire Prince William and Kate for using their status to spread greater awareness. Hopefully there will be far less stigma against talking about psychological problems for future generations.
Glad to input just a small piece blues!
As my T puts it the only good thing about having an on going chronic neurological illness is that I have access to a clinical psychologist on the NHS here in the UK, which not many have here lol.
;D
Yeah, I can totally relate. My father told me that "I must have taken it the wrong way," when my mother told me at 10 years old that my father was going to kill me. I mean, how on earth can a 10 year old critically think about a statement like that!? :stars: It goes without saying that I'm NC with them and the rest of my FOO.
Quote from: Sweetsixty on July 10, 2016, 08:17:04 AM
Glad to input just a small piece blues!
As my T puts it the only good thing about having an on going chronic neurological illness is that I have access to a clinical psychologist on the NHS here in the UK, which not many have here lol.
;D
Hehe, good, it must help! :)
Quote from: no_more_fear on July 12, 2016, 07:09:05 PM
Yeah, I can totally relate. My father told me that "I must have taken it the wrong way," when my mother told me at 10 years old that my father was going to kill me. I mean, how on earth can a 10 year old critically think about a statement like that!? :stars: It goes without saying that I'm NC with them and the rest of my FOO.
No 10 year old should have threats like that against them, in fact no adult should either! They sound disgusting. Good for you for being NC. :hug:
My mother used to say "I bought you into this world and I can take you out." whenever I did or said anything she didn't like and she backed it up one night by waking me up with a gun to my head.
That's horrible that you had to go thru that, Danaus :hug:
I made the unfortunate mistake of revealing only some of my childhood to coworkers - because it pertained to my job. I am in a helping profession and it helped me to be better at what I do. Big Mistake! It has been like loading a gun so people can turn it around and point it at me. I have had superiors use it to excuse inappropriate behavior, e.g. "You just have issues so you aren't viewing this accurately." I have also had colleagues whisper and gossip, making inappropriate comments. Nope. Wish I hadn't done that and won't do it again. I already had trust issues and this only made it worse.
As I need to take excessive amounts of sick leave to remain in the Zadroga 9/11 health program, I've had to explain to my managers that I was enrolled. When I worked in NYC it was no problem. Almost everyone in my office was there that day. When I got transferred to NJ, BIG PROBLEM. This one manager (that I no longer have) put me on leave with no pay, even though I always supplied him with a letter of explanation from my doctor's office. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I have a decent manager now, thank God. I hope she lasts till I'm able to retire.
Yes, I too deal with this, and am disabled (eyes/brain). Recently FOO issues came up, and although difficult I had to see a lawyer. I tried to explain my situation briefly being N/C and my disability issues. I am fiercely independant, as asking for any help seems to bring up the past for me (weak, not good enough, etc, etc) so advocating for myself is a big deal. The lawyer thing did not go well. There are those in the world who are judgemental and insensitive even when you are paying them...ugghh! It tears down self esteem, and trust issues, I can relate, and although your responses help me feel less alone, I am sorry for what you all have dealt with. I am trying to regain some strength, but I know one thing, I will seek out and screen lawyers better in the future, even though I thought I had already. Support to you all!
Just found out my new manager has 3 years till retirement, then I get prove myself all over again, that is if I still have a job. I'm sure I asked this somewhere before but can't remember where; who are these so called normal people anyway and who appointed them to the grand exalted state of "normal." More and more I find myself replacing the D in cPTSD with an R for "Reaction." It's the people that don't react to trauma that I'm suspicious of.
interesting concept, danaus. i'm not sure that i can answer it. i do know that a lot of so-called 'normal' people are indeed reacting through substance abuse, other addictions, constant distractions so as not to face, deal with, or look at the trauma. some laugh a bit too much at things that aren't funny. some change the subject. some will sidestep the issue or put up roadblocks to further exploration. some minimize, others maximize what is happening in their lives. some lie. we just don't always see these reactions. when i remember this, i can feel a modicum of peace.
Interesting thread.
In society we have this thing called "personality", most people believe that is who we are. It is simply the way we exhibit the effects of our past. It is not who we are at all.
If society was to realise that folks who are easy to get along with probably had the easiest upbringing and those who turn them off had difficult ones and are still suffering I think it would make life easier for us all. When it comes to work, the capitalist system is always looking for perfection, if your skills and abilities don't make your employer money you get fired, despite all our good intentions.
I am often looking at situations and asking myself am I looking at this with the right perspective? How would somebody who is mentally healthy act or respond? Sometimes I don't know and then decide the best thing is to do nothing. Doing nothing is a course of action too. if you take a DISC test or another type of personality test it will reveal your mode of operating and another for coping in social situations such as being at work, this is really all about filtering you so that a company can be sure that they can make money from you. I did this test for a recruiter, they are suggesting I use it as a way to make changes to the way I interact with others. It is true that at heart I am kind and considerate but others see me as being target driven and authoritarian. The recruiter thinks that we are a ball of putty and we can mold ourselves and make changes to how we see the world around us, instead it is hard wired into our brains. While we are working on making changes to counter the effects of our past, we get more and more abuse from the people we interact with on a day to day basis, which helps to solidify our behaviors and belief systems. We never get any respite from the onslaught to grow.
The three articles written by Sandra Bloom are very good at identifying the kind of problems we have and it gives me some comfort when I get fired for the eight time, that it was not my fault once again. We find it difficult to learn from experience. The big challenge is knowing how we can move forward.
http://www.sanctuaryweb.com/Portals/0/Bloom%20Pubs/2000%20Bloom%20Email%20Grief%20that%20Dares%20Ravages%201.pdf
This has been a problem in pretty much every relationship I've had. I try to explain what my upbringing was like and how it contributes to the issues I struggle with and my shortcomings. My partners usually act somewhat understanding, often having come from rough childhoods themselves, but when the issues come up--for instance I struggle with self-care when my depression is bad--I get told things like "I wish you would just try."
It's not like I want the C-PTSD and depression to be my excuse for bad behavior. I just don't want to be judged as if there is no underlying pathology that drives some of my failings. I do try, I am constantly trying to be better and healthier. I think every long-term girlfriend I've ever had has said "you're not even trying" to me when I'm treading water emotionally and mentally. It's so painful to hear that from someone who is supposed to understand you. I feel like there isn't going to be anyone in my life who will understand.
It is very frustrating to hear those sorts of things. I always wonder how people can truly think that we are choosing PTSD. It is as ludicrous as thinking we choose the trauma like a sweet from a candy jar.
As is typical for most of us here, I am always trying to see things from the other side, to get a better understanding. And the only thing I can come up with that makes any sense to me, is that these people do not try to see things from the other side, thus no understanding.
Doesn't make the pain of judgement any less painful though.