Out of the Storm

I'm sometimes tempted to enlist my therapist on a week long boot camp.
One hour a week seems a small slice of time to dedicate to getting " better". I've read that unless you are in some form of crisis, once per week is plenty. I'm in there for the long haul,  partly because of my resistant personality and partly because of the layers of problems I need to overcome.
I believe I need to spend more time on my recovery outside of therapy. However, aside from dwelling on bad memories, learning to catch my self in old patterns and occasionally meditating I'm kind of at a loss. Reading helps with knowledge but I want to do more. I will ask my T about suggestions this week but does anyone have a type of Plan of Action to share?

Wow, it sounds like you're taking a lot of steps to get better. Good going!

I am reluctant to give any tips, just share what works for me:

- volunteer work (I help immigrants with the language)
- exercise (for me, walking and cardio exercise work very relaxing and help take my mind off things)
- taking a nice warm bath
- reading chicklits (blushing now - ;) )

For me, engaging in activities and helping people with a completely different set of problems than my own actually helps with my own (ongoing) recovery. Clears my head or something... 

Thanks Keep -

I am trying, and keeping in mind there is no microwave setting on a recovery program. Gets frustrating at times when the wheels churn in mud and my feelings shut down.

Ah, yes, exercise is a huge release valve for me, too. It "blows the stink off", as a friend of mine says. It wears down the edge on my anxiety, that's for sure. I get twitchy when I can't move!

I appreciate your suggestions. I can see where doing volunteer work would be very rewarding and give a sense of purpose. Associating with others outside of the normal circle could also be a good stretch goal.

For the first few months that I was in T, I went twice weekly.  I think it was very helpful for me, and I may do it again.  However, T is expensive enough for me, and doubling down on it is a pretty big financial strain that I'm not sure I can afford right now.

I'm also consulting with a psychiatrist, and trying to get my emotions and level of functioning at a more consistent level.  I am still in the early (day 3 today) of a med change from lexapro to zoloft, so it is too early to tell if this is a productive route to go.

Otherwise, I am in the very early stages of recovery, despite being in T for months now.  I've had some major life changes, and I started out relatively low functioning.  So for me, the things that I am doing outside of T right now focus on trying to force myself to leave the house and get control of the chaos that is running my life.  (Oh, if you could only see the squalor in my house, you'd understand that the place I need to start is right here!).  Before CPTSD brought me to my knees, I was volunteering and had at least a relatively firm grasp on day to day responsibilities. 

I also read A LOT of self help books. 

That's great, Overload. Any success, such as leaving the house, gives us the reinforcement we need and leads to more and bigger successes.

I agree  - wish I could afford twice a week!

Hi Emotion Overload and welcome to OOTS! 

I agree with GT, the little successes add up so kudos on trying to get on top of the chaos - at the same time, be kind and patient with yourself, wrestling with CPTSD takes a lot of energy.  Earlier this year CPTSD "brought me to my knees" too -- that's such a good description of how it felt.   My list of getting back on top of things was quite short for a while - get out of bed, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed and make bed.  That was it and if I managed that I was content.  Little by little as I began to feel better I added small goals and now I'm back to functioning fairly well. Mind you it was not without help - like you I changed meds (which made a huge difference after about a month on it and a few unsuccessful tries with other med),  and got some therapy.  If you have a chance perhaps you can post in the Intro section and tell us a bit more about your struggle with CPTSD.

Hey Globetrotter - Wish there was a plan and that it involved going faster too  :)  I just read something (I must learn to bookmark these gems - will see if I can find it) that CPTSD requires a lot of energy and going slow is highly recommended and maybe even necessary as we dig into all that "residual goo" from childhood.  The article talked about getting a lot of rest and destressing wherever possible. According to Walker (and the clinical articles I've read) it seems that a lot of recovering from CPTSD involves integrating the developmentally arrested parts of our psyche and it's a process that takes time.  Personally I'd like to crack open the vault and let the goo flow where it may, but maybe that would be too much emotionally speaking.  He lists a number of developmental arrests in CPTSD in his book (p. 22) and it's not short:

Self-acceptance
Clear sense of identity
Self-compassion
Self-protection
Capacity to develop comfort from relationships
Ability to relax
Capacity for self-expression
Self-esteem
Self-confidence

Ticks to all for me  - grrrrrrr!

Well, what else do I have to do, may as well go talk to the nice lady.  :)
It is difficult to be patient and see progress sometimes. It's probably there, but so slow and sneaky, I'm not noticing it.
Thank you for the wisdom, Kizzie. I'll try to remind myself.

This is really cool, I can see I'm much better in my ability to relax ( at home) and I can see in the past month I'm starting to be able to get comfort from my relationship with my husband. He used to complain that I was in my own world and he couldn't feel a connection with me. I can see this is changing, it's amazing how you think you are loving somebody, but then now I can see I wasn't and now I am starting to 'feel' and really care.

"I will ask my T about suggestions this week but does anyone have a type of Plan of Action to share?"

Absolutely -- the answer is yes. You can start right this moment. Below is a link to what I "practice" to keep myself out of self-harming. You can download a pdf named    insight_germermindfulness.pdf

It is a good place to learn to stop self-harming with "your present practices".

Trauma victims self-harm, to the point that they can be shut down. Stop practicing self-harm, and free your mind to function as it was intended.

Hey SC - what is the link?  I copied and pasted the one in your post but it just said "Server Not Found."   

I see the pdf is about mindfullness - can you tell us a bit about how this helped you to stop self-harming perhaps?   

I was reminded of something Pete Walker wrote in his book about CPTSD when I read your post: 

"...effective recovery is unwinding the natural potential you were born with out of your unconscious.  This is your innate potential which may be, as yet, unrealized because of your childhood trauma" (p. 23).

I like-- no love -- that he suggests there is much laying dormant in us, just waiting to be awakened.  It highlights what so many of us need to hear, that we are not broken.

"What is Mindfulness? Christopher Germer, Ph.D." This is the title of the writing contained within the pdf.

I don't necessarily agree with Peter Walker when it comes to his methods of dealing with inner turmoil and intrusive, repetitive thought patterns. I prefer to let my thoughts happen and not judge them; Not invest emotion or energy in them, so that my brain will be trained away from them. When I practice anger, or fear, my brain helps me by keeping those areas of my brain charged up, and ready for use.

Any time you practice something, your brain will keep that area of the brain alive and charged up. So, if you practice your grudges for a few minutes a day, then your grudges will always be there, charged up, and ready to be thrown into your conscience moments. Your brain will always be there to help you, by sending you info from the charged areas of itself. So if you practice shame, it will be charged in your brain, and your brain will send shaming messages into your conscience moments.

Practice makes perfect. If you practice shame, fear, anger/rage, anxiety, or whatever, your brain will reference those practiced areas, and send you plenty of unwanted info from them.

So, the idea is not to create inner turmoil when thoughts are sent from the brain. Let them happen without infusing them with judgement, and the energy that accompanies it. If you quit judging the messages from your brain -- infusing them with bursts of emotion -- those areas will die down, and you will begin to loose the emotional connection to those bad places.

Practice makes perfect. You can practice your grudges and the pain that goes with them, or you can practice letting the thoughts pass through your mind without reacting, or judging them. Let them float by and don't engage with them.

Practicing fear, guilt, shame and grudges, is self-harming. Quit practicing them.

Quote from: selfcompassion on September 25, 2014, 08:02:55 PM
You can practice your grudges and the pain that goes with them, or you can practice letting the thoughts pass through your mind without reacting, or judging them. Let them float by and don't engage with them.

Practicing fear, guilt, shame and grudges, is self-harming. Quit practicing them.

How does that work with EFs? Flashbacks aren't the easiest thing in the world to influence. Even just becoming aware of them takes a major effort. In fact, part of what makes EFs so painful is the very fact that they are not volitional and that they are not easy to control. How did you work on your own flashbacks, and what was your journey like? Did you first work on identifying flashbacks, then on managing them? What techniques did you use to detach yourself from them?

Or in the case of freezing, sometimes it seems better to feel pain than feel nothing...

"What techniques did you use to detach yourself from them? "

I just detailed the techniques. There is greater detail in information sources about mindfulness.

Two big components of mindfulness are awareness, and being alert. Aware of the world around you: being in the moment; and alertness: being aware of the thoughts that are being sent into your aware moments by your brain. You bring the whole emotional experience of reliving childhood trauma down, by letting those well trodden neural pathways atrophy from non use. Quit practicing bad memories, and their accompanying emotional hijackings, and the flashbacks begin to loose their power. As you practice being aware of yourself in the moment, awareness of the triggered states takes place, because you are alert to any changes in your mental state.

It takes lots of practice, all day, every day, until your mind rewires itself away from those childhood trauma hotspots.

Then your experience of CPTSD flashbacks differs significantly from mine.

It is different because of the things I practice. I have experienced flashback states in the past that lasted for months. I know flashbacks like I know the back of my hand. The way out of them is very counterintuitive. My brain is not different enough from yours for my flashback experiences to be that different from yours. We are different people, but our brains are wired in the same manner, and we experience the aftermath of trauma in much the same way.

Mindfulness is not something you can figure out in a few days of contemplation -- it can take months for you to begin to notice big changes in the way you handle those recordings that loop through your brain, and infect your mind. But luckily for us humans, our brains are sitting there -- perched on our shoulders -- ready to go to work for us in cleaning up trauma hot-spots, and replacing them with more useful neural nets. If we quit going to those trauma places -- in our mind -- the brain will allow those places to die-away, and will focus on keeping the areas that receive the most use alive. Mindfulness allows the hot-spots to die away and loose their power.

Maybe it doesn't make sense if you are hearing it for the first time. Trauma -- in the brain -- is stored memory; memories attached to traumatic events, and interconnected throughout the brain. Complex trauma is not much more than a bunch of neural networks in the brain. Letting those disruptive neural-nets atrophy, and loose their connections to the emotional and memory centers of the brain, will greatly lessen the impact, or even formation of flashbacks.

These things may not make sense, if you have never pondered them. We, as trauma survivors, need to stop self-harming. Keeping those traumatized neural hot-spots alive, by constantly practicing fear, shame, rage/anger over injustice, hypervigilance -- all of it, will keep you mentally mired in flashbacks.

I say these things because they work for me, and millions of others. I know it is counter to what you may have been thinking, but give it, and your brain a chance. Your brain will work with you when you are ready.

Let me know if I can help. 

SC,
Thank you for sharing this.  I hope you don't mind questions and if my questions sound naive, I apologize.  I haven't been in therapy very long and it feels like my emotions are a jumbled rats nest that I had been disconnected from for a very long time.  I believe you are referring to the internal messages about oneself and not about others? If so, my internal messages are mostly from others actions toward me (starting with an attachment disorder developed as an infant and throughout life vs being told that I am this or I am that).  I often use the saying 'actions speak louder then words' and looking at my past this phrase has been enforced in a new way with the question of who am I really?  Those unspoken messages have shaped my identity and  feel like 'me'.  I believe I am one of those highly sensitive that takes everything to heart.  It seems like this mindfulness would work in the same way, to ignore those thoughts, whether they were spoken or unspoken msgs?

And if I am  thinking about those in my life who have harmed me (their actions against me), I assume those messages i would not want to ignore to be better able to determine who to distance myself from?
Thanks again for sharing.  I will try anything that may help me.

???       

I practice mindfulness regularly, and meditate nearly every day. That's how I know meditation and mindfulness do not work well during the kind of EFs I personally am getting right now. Which is why I asked how precisely you're going about this. Details, please. What precise method, at what time do you practice it, how did you start out (i.e. during a lull in your CPTSD symptoms or when the going was tough), did you adapt your method or not? What you wrote was vague. You posited a theory without providing details. And here again you're re-phrasing your theory without providing details.

QuoteThese things may not make sense, if you have never pondered them. We, as trauma survivors, need to stop self-harming. Keeping those traumatized neural hot-spots alive, by constantly practicing fear, shame, rage/anger over injustice, hypervigilance -- all of it, will keep you mentally mired in flashbacks.

You're positing yourself as the authority, and you appear to assume I'm new to all this and require that you gently tell me that I "need to stop self-harming". This is not acceptable.

Just a reminder here that  we all may have a different idea as to what is "best" for recovery but they are just that, opinions to be explored in a respectful, tolerant and open manner. None of us have all the answers and we are here together to explore rather than lay out a path for anyone other than ourselves. So, please employ "I " rather than "You" sentences. I have found that ........ ". Or  "In my experience ......" Or "I believe that ....."

For my part, after a very long journey getting to this current place in my life, I believe that I need to remember the trauma and be angry and grieve in order to integrate it.  The trauma is part of me, it has made me who I am so for me it is important to be whole; that is, trauma defueled but included. I have done a lot of reading about recovery and the clinical/academic articles by traumatologists talk about the need to remember and work through trauma in order to integrate.  IMO while mindfulness has some merit, like CBT alone it does not have the capacity to foster integration while relational therapy does -- to my mind anyway.

At what point is it mindfulness and when is it denial and repressing feelings?
Just curious...
I've practiced mindful meditation, but I also don't think it's as simple as "quit feeling what you're feeling".

Quote from: globetrotter on September 26, 2014, 05:12:25 PM

At what point is it mindfulness and when is it denial and repressing feelings?
Just curious... I've practiced mindful meditation, but I also don't think it's as simple as "quit feeling what you're feeling".

Good question GT.  A pdoc I saw once (never went back) recommended the work of Byron Katie which is like mindfulness and CBT on steroids and I had the worst reaction to it.  It felt like she was saying you're only in pain because of what you think about your abuse AND you colluded in letting your parents abuse you AND just let it go.   

Nope.  If I just let it go part of me will be gone (or will remain repressed I'm not sure which), but if I look at the abuse and work through it, it will become a part of me -- like it should have long ago when it happened, but no-one was there to help.  My IC gets really upset when she thinks she is hearing someone tell her that she should just be forgotten or shoved back in her box which may be a misrepresentation of mindfulness and CBT, but that's how she hears it. Right now I often can't see and feel with clarity and reason because of the residual goo I carry with me and IMO need to work through in order to to restart the developmental process that was arrested in childhood, those parts of me that feel childlike because in fact they are stuck at a younger age.

At some point I think I will become mindful of my past and how it influences the present rather than be driven by it, and I will be able to deal with the present in a more mindful way (calmer, less reactive to feelings and thoughts) if that makes sense.

Perhaps I'm confusing mindfulness w mindful meditation.
I.have heard of Katie but haven't read her.
I do occassionally meditate and the clarity afterwards is amazing especially if I practice in the wilderness.
Science has nothing but good things to say about mindful meditation and my therapist advocates.it and we have practiced during sessions.
However.
We still.need.to.deal.with the demons that lurk. Buddhism.encourages us to " let it go"(. If it were that easy wouldn't.we all be cured by now?
So mindful meditation plus other therapies for 500, Alex...

When I first left home (and my PTSD got better straight away), I had moments of mindfulness almost at once. Those happened completely by itself. Just silly, small things, like peeling a potato under the sink and suddenly realizing how extraordinary and beautiful this is, that brown unsightly skin and then that gorgeous yellow underneath. Or taking a walk through an unfamiliar town, and really seeing things properly - people, buildings, things - and soaking up the athmosphere. Those times were brilliant. They were very peaceful, and I felt totally in control, but in a light and relaxed way that kept the focus on my surroundings and let me take everything in. It was WOW. If that's mindfulness, then it's a good thing. Those memories are still so vivid, they're like places I can revisit at any time.

However, reading up on mindfulness was less wow, for the same reasons Kizzie mentioned. Also, my FOO is very big on how to do things "properly", which is another can of worms. I'll see later on if I can find something ideology-free on mindfulness.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200812/back-the-present-how-live-in-the-moment (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200812/back-the-present-how-live-in-the-moment) --- series of things we can do to be mindful. The methods look easily adaptable. (I personally can't yet be fully at ease with this: "Make it new. When you're performing music, giving a presentation, or even just recounting a favorite story, try to make it new in subtle ways, delivering it in a way you've never done before." But I could take any ordinary task and try making it new in some way. Taking a different route when I'm walking to the shops for example.

Taken from another text:

QuoteSome great new data collected from users of the Lift goal-tracking app* shows that most beginner meditators started with 3-5 minutes. Even three minutes can feel like a darn long time when you first start meditating, so you could even start smaller. For example, paying attention to the sensations of taking 3 breaths.

QuoteSince walking helps people concentrate and reduces distractibility, a meditation that involves walking can be a great place to start.

Fellow PT blogger Dr Kelly McGonigal suggests a 10 minute walking meditation involving 1 minute of paying attention to each of (1) the feeling of your body walking, (2) the feeling of your breath, (3) the sensations of air or wind on your skin, (4) what you can hear, and (5) what you can see.

Follow this with 5 minutes of open awareness where you allow anything you can observe/sense to rise up into your awareness. Don't go looking for things to hear, see, feel etc. Just let whatever rises up into your awareness to do that and be naturally replaced by something else whenever that happens.

During the open awareness portion, if your attention drifts to past, future or evaluative thoughts, briefly go back to one of the points of focus to stabilize your attention.

You can adapt these instructions however you want. Make your practice your own. You're in charge! For example, do a walking meditation in which you focus on one of the above points of focus for 3 minutes and then do 3 minutes of open awareness.

(All this taken from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/5-meditation-tips-beginners (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/5-meditation-tips-beginners))


An example of a ten-minute meditation exercise (from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/03/new-to-mindfulness-how-to-get-started/ (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/03/new-to-mindfulness-how-to-get-started/)):

Quote
    Choose a time when you have 10 minutes to yourself and find a quiet place to sit comfortably.  Whether you are at your desk at work or in your home, clear the space of obvious distractions.  Put away phones, email and other distractors.  If setting a timer would help you stay focused, rather than worried about how much time you have, then set a timer.
    Acknowledge any thoughts or judgments you have about starting your mindfulness practice.  You may be uncomfortable, skeptical or excited.  Our minds are constantly thinking, so you may want to notice whether you are caught up in thoughts as you get ready for your practice.  If this is the case, simply acknowledge thoughts and emotions that come into your awareness and then refocus on getting settled and comfortable.
    Once settled and comfortable, you can choose to close you're eyes or keep your gaze focused in one spot in front of you.  Take a few deep breaths and then begin by bringing your attention to your breath, as you breath in.  Notice the tip of the nose as your breath enters your body.  Continue to breathe normally, following your inhalations as your breath flows down into your lungs.  Notice your lungs expand as your breath fills them and then notice them begin to contract during your exhalations.  There is no need to change your breathing.  Simply notice it as it flows in and out of your body.
    Follow your exhalations, with your awareness, as they flow out of your body.  Notice your breath flowing from the lungs, up through airways and out your nose again.
    Continuing following your breath in this manner for 10 minutes.  The first few times you practice, you may find that much of your time is spent lost in thought, rather than focused on your breath.
    The practice of mindfulness is about beginning to notice these internal distractions and mind wanderings and, once noticed, to bring your focus back.  You may lose focus and bring your attention back many, many times over the course of several minutes.  Don't worry, this is part of the practice.

I've also read someplace that you'll profit from sitting upright, with your back straight (not tense though) rather than hunched. I personally find it easier to breathe deeply that way.

A method for being mindful about our emotions (...which might or might not work for EFs, at least not for particularly strong or stubborn ones):

Quote
Using Mindfulness to Cope with Difficult Emotions

We all have bad days; some are worse than others. When emotions become overwhelming, you can use this RAIN formula to help manage your feelings in a mindful way:

    R – Recognise the emotion you're feeling. Name the emotion in your mind if you can.

    A – Accept the experience you're having. Yes you probably don't like the feeling, but the reality is the emotion is here at the moment.

    I – Investigate. Become curious about your experience. Where do you feel the emotion in your body? What kind of thoughts are going through your mind?

    N – Non-identification. See the emotion as a passing event rather than who you actually are, just as different images are reflected in a mirror but are not the mirror. Different emotions arise and pass in you, but are not you, yourself. The most powerful step is non-identification. Have the attitude 'anger is arising and will soon pass away' or 'sadness is coming up in me, and at some point will dissolve'.

Sometimes you just need to do one step, whereas at other times you may want to work through the whole formula. Practise using the formula whenever you can, so when things become challenging for you, you'll find it easier to use.

(from http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/mindfulness-for-dummies-cheat-sheet-uk-edition.html (http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/mindfulness-for-dummies-cheat-sheet-uk-edition.html))

From the same source:

Quote
Learning about True Mindfulness

Mindfulness is more than a set of techniques to practice. Mindfulness is about questioning your identity and relationship to the world around you. By understanding who you are at a deeper level, you are less affected by negative emotions, thoughts or physical sensations – you're tackling the root of the problem. For these reasons, it's worth spending some time and effort to find out for yourself who you truly are. Try this:

    Notice that your thoughts come and go. You are aware of your thoughts. You are that which is aware of thoughts – not the thoughts themselves.

    Notice that your emotions come and go too. You are aware of the emotion rather than being the emotion itself. You are the observer of the emotion.

    Observe that although your attention moves from one thing to another, your sense of being aware is always present. You're always aware of something. Awareness is always on, and completely effortless. You are that awareness itself.

    Reflect on the statement: 'I cannot be that which I observe'. Just as your eye is not the book, because the eye is observing the book, so you are not your thoughts, emotions, sensations, perceptions because you are observing them. You are the witness of them. As the witness you are completely free of them.

    Be as you are. You cannot become yourself, for you already are yourself! So, just relax and be as you are – effortless awareness. Awareness is your natural state – what you always have been and always will be.

    One of the most famous sages of the 20th Century, Nisargadatta put is this way: "Discover all that you are not – body, feelings, thoughts, time, space, this or that – nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive."

Sorry that it's so long. And it's not exhaustive, simply a handful of texts that looked like good places to start.

@ selfcompassion, Great Post very thought provoking!

  selfcompassion wrote September 26, 2014, 07:25:09 AM

If we quit going to those trauma places -- in our mind -- the brain will allow those places to die-away, and will focus on keeping the areas that receive the most use alive. Mindfulness allows the hot-spots to die away and loose their power.

bheart wrote September 26, 2014, 08:09:32 AM

If so, my internal messages are mostly from others actions toward me (starting with an attachment disorder developed as an infant and throughout life vs being told that I am this or I am that). I often use the saying 'actions speak louder then words' and looking at my past this phrase has been enforced in a new way with the question of who am I really? Those unspoken messages have shaped my identity and  feel like 'me'.


@ selfcompassion, I agree with MOST of what You are saying but I do not believe that The HOT spots die away unless WE validate ourselves.@bheart This is what is healing YOU! Part of the validation for me is going over the traumas in My life, looking at them in an adult mind, and rethinking what I thought about MYSELF during the original trauma and VALIDATING My traumas, and soothing MYSELF on the tram as, and saying to the inner child, IT'S OK. We will not let that happen again.

I have DENIED the tram as of MY life for too long, and just denying it will not make it go away. DENIAL only prolongs the problem and turns it into garbage in MY HEAD.

dbt handbook (http://dbt%20handbook) Pages 10-12. Validation

Keeping those traumatized neural hot-spots alive, by constantly practicing fear, shame, rage/anger over injustice, hypervigilance -- all of it, will keep you mentally mired in flashbacks.

@ selfcompassion, You are right about this...

The other part of OUR therapy is Learning to do things that make our life better in the here and Now. I have to work on boundaries, 51% rule. "it's not My monkeys, not my circus", It might include MC, NC. or LC, because the traumas come so fast that YOUR mind does not have time to process it. 

Dialectical thinking's purpose is to open up our black and white thinking. Pages 7-10 (link above above) page 7 states...

Being dialectical means:
™ Letting go of self-righteous indignation.
™ Letting go of "black and white", "all or nothing" ways of seeing a
situation.
™ Looking for what is "left out" of your understanding of a situation.
™ Finding a way to validate the other person's point of view.
™ Expanding your way of seeing things.
™ Getting "unstuck" from standoffs and conflicts.
™ Being more flexible and approachable.
™ Avoiding assumptions and blaming.

That helps Us in the here and now. Not blaming others for everything, understanding other peoples viewpoints, validating other peoples views. Other techniques we use also help Us in the here and now, meditation, reading Self-help books, breathing, etc. Also by looking at the INNER CRITIC,who is almost another person in OUR BRAIN. The INNER CRITIC is black and white thinking!

In the handbook above MINDFULNESS is described as Taking Control of YOUR attention and thoughts.

Posted by: selfcompassion
September 25, 2014, 06:13:50 PM

[color=blue]It takes lots of practice, all day, every day, until your mind rewires itself away from those childhood trauma hotspots.
Two big components of mindfulness are awareness, and being alert. Aware of the world around you: being in the moment; and alertness: being aware of the thoughts that are being sent into your aware moments by your brain. You bring the whole emotional experience of reliving childhood trauma down, Quit practicing bad memories, and their accompanying emotional hijackings, anby letting those well trodden neural pathways atrophy from non use. and the flashbacks begin to loose their power. As you practice being aware of yourself in the moment, awareness of the triggered states takes place, because you are alert to any changes in your mental state.[/color]

in My own case Mindfulness has helped me to have more control OVER My brain. If I am Mindful of the moment, the flashbacks have no place at the time when I am busy, or out in public and don't have time to work on the traumas of MY PAST LIFE. That is NOT a ticket to NOT WORK ON THE TRAMAS it is just me controlling the WHEN to work on them.

The thing to remember is that what helps one of Us with CPTSD might NOT work for another... our paths are similar but they are not the same. We are on the same path at different levels.

Right now at the beginning stages of the healing process I need to work on the denial, mindfulness and the the inner child. I need to work on setting limits, speaking up,  I have worked on Validation, and don't have much of an INNER critic.

I have more to comment on the other posts bu I am tired now and must sleep a little bit because My GD will wake-up soon!

SC, Thank you for all of the information and links.  I am going to read them all today.   :thumbup:

I haven't tried meditation or yoga (I have heard that can help also).


BM,  Thank you also for sharing.   Your link to the dbt handbook did not work for me?  I would like to read that also.   :thumbup:

I appreciate that you both took the time to write all of that out.  Thank you.   :yourock:

Quote from: Rain on September 28, 2014, 01:13:39 PM
Vulnerability to safe others takes courage.

I agree Rain, well said.

 Sorry I hope this works!

http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf
(http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf)

 :thumbup: :thumbup:

Thank you badmemories!!!

I'm going back to this topic again.

Every once in a while, I hit a wall with therapy - a lot more often than I would like to. I should win an award for 'Most Resistance Client'. I was programmed NOT to talk about my feelings, not cry, and sure as * don't like to talk about myself or any of this stuff. I've been going to my therapist for just over two years. I know I am the problem. Sometimes I think since I am 55 years old and have been this way for so long, this is as good as it gets.

Other folks have said I should go to a different therapist if I don't trust her, but I am fairly certain I would hit this wall with *any* therapist because I'm so entrenched in self-protection and closing myself down (or off).  I do trust her (as much as I can), know that she wants to help me, and is a kind person. She promotes herself as an expert in trauma and I have shared many of my memories with her. I believe she is intentionally not pushing me, but I get in these ruts when I wonder why I am spending my time and money going at all when I have such a difficult time opening up. She asks me question after question because often I'll give her a short response. That's my M.O. Blathering on about myself is a dream for me. Every once in a while, I do blather when something dramatic happens, but weekly, not so much.

One thing that gets me  about this strange 'relational experience' is that her life is a mystery. My closest friends consist of those who truly confide in me and tell me their deepest thoughts and secrets. I like their trust and faith in me. It validates our relationship and provides me the ability to share in return. Really, I think my T and I need to go out for a couple of beers. HA. She has had moments where she told me I could ask her anything, but it's not the same as someone sharing. I am not sure I can pole vault over this shield of protection and ever completely open up because I don't even do that beyond a certain point with my S.O.

We have done art therapy. I have taken in things that I have written. There is no easy path.

Does anyone else have this problem or advice??? Sometimes it makes me feel downright hopeless.

Yup.   :yes:

Been there.   Done that.    "Rut Ville"

You seem to have many excellent points.

Odd question, globetrotter ...but, have you basically taken this post and discussed this with her?    Like literally, print it out and read it, or have her read it?

I don't think it is "as good as it gets" for you.    I hear lots of feelings in what you write.   I have enjoyed your posts.


If you read your own post, but it had my "Rain" name on it, what advice would you give me, globetrotter?

Hey, Rain -
Funny, I copied and emailed what I wrote to myself after I typed it so I could try to remember the points that I made.

I am at a loss, I do not know what I would advise you!
I think she gets frustrated with me as well because I make her work haaaaard for the information she pulls out of me.
I am so used to living inside of my head it's hard to make thoughts pop out of that mouth-thingy. Other times, I'm not sure what should be the "topic of the week" because day to day life can be pretty ok.
I would be too embarrassed to mention the going out for beers idea. Or afraid that she might take me up on it!

Hey GT - It makes sense that we would have a hard time trusting someone we reveal ourselves, to but who does not reveal themselves to us in return.

I just had my first session with a new T and it went well I think because he shared a lot about himself with me, including an event where he triggered in a professional development course and turned into little Stu. Well, I could certainly relate to that!

Surprisingly, I revealed a lot actually but it was the adult me talking, and then he asked one question and boom, tears from my IC.  We talked it through and then he turned the conversation back onto something that did not leave me stranded in those feelings and with my IC clinging to my ankle as I left.  Quite skillfully done I thought.

Anyway, I'm not sure if having a T who is open about herself would be helpful or not, but if you're feeling that way then perhaps talk with her about it.  I know I really related to Walker's book because of the fact that he shared about his own CPTSD and wrote authentically, not just as a T but as a person.

Congrats Kizzie! Sounds like an excellent beginning!

I'm happy that you both understand what I'm saying and I so appreciate your time in responding. Can opener, yes. Bursty and unreliable.

She gets my relational limitation and has offered several times that I can ask her anything. She also said it couldn't be too personal or it becomes about her. At her hourly rate I appreciate that. I'm also on her Facebook page and pick up alot there so I feel I probably know a good bit about her but the big focus on me is very hard for me. Vulnerability. I have told her this. Rain, I am a big risk taker by nature but talking...SA...can be an issue. I spent a lot of years being invisible.

I am  taking a writing class now where I don't have to share and that's what drew me to the class. Prior to that I took a watercolor class.. I guess there's that which I could talk about for a minute or two...This is the last week, tho. Last week I told her there are people who get 20 word answers and people who get 40 word answers - I was half joking. She asked me how it would feel knowing she was prepared to accept more than 40 word answers and I said 'unfamiliar' (note: one word answers are not uncommon).

Siiiigh....why does this have to be so complicated?? Spinning wheels in mud...

I'm just curious GT if you do share those deeper things about your past, your IC stuff with the friends that you trust?  Or are those things closed off to all pretty much?

I was thinking after my session that Maybe I am closed off from the really painful stuff because if I let anyone in, the damn will break and I'm not really certain I could take the pain.  So I'm not sure that I am as afraid to trust others these days so much as I am myself. 

Late here so hope this isn't too rambling.  Time to zzzzzzzzzz

I can relate. I realized that people who never offer anything about themselves make me feel on edge. I don't fully trust them.

Pete Walker mentions that he's specialized in relational therapy. He says CPTSD is caused on a relational level, so he thinks it makes sense to heal it on a relational level, too. He says that this is why CPTSD survivors may have some trouble with the traditional "blank slate" style of therapy. --- I don't know anything about relational therapy or what that even is, but reading all this made me remember that, so here it is.

Kizzie, I share 90% w my SO and 70% w my best friend and the rest are clueless. Sidenote: My sister is 10 years older and was often at work, in band practice, or with her friends or her boyfriend when I was a kid and really has no idea what my childhood was like. She thinks she had it worse. I think not - at least she had my brother, and my parents weren't full blown alcoholics when she was a kid. I've never confronted her on this tho I have been tempted to give her the low down..I am not sure it would be received in the way that I want it to - not interested in a contest. We have commiserated in the past to some degree about what lousy parents we had, but not the intimate details of our own experiences.

Re: intensity of pain: I have been told that the pain we feel now is never as severe as the pain we felt then. And like the slow release of the air out of pinched balloon, we let it out only as we are able. I was afraid it was like blowing the lid off of Pandora's box, but it's quite the opposite for me. Frankly, I AM at the point where I want to yank that cover off and just have at it. Just don't know how.

Thanks, ya'll, I think I have plenty of fodder, for this week, anyway!

I enjoyed, and learned a lot, from your reply, globetrotter.    And, there is so very much I relate to, as in the talking, the SA, the vulnerability that I had when I hit "Rut Ville."

Thanks again!     :bighug:

I'm glad, Rain. I would love to know how you climbed out of the rut.!

Ah, I see about the stretching and trying new things. But what about opening up to the core? This is the speed bump.

I like it. I like it whole bunches.
We do have weeks like this. I want more of them.
I appreciate you sharing!!! It helps a lot.

It helps me in moving forward, and what this all is.   Thanks, globetrotter!         :bouncing:

Sometimes I wonder: Is our work ever done? How do we know? Perhaps we acquire a place of inner peace and self acceptance/acceptance of others. Hm. Enlightenment. A question for every human I suppose, regardless of their goo level.

I have read 'Waking the Tiger'.   T (who I somehow feel like calling 'Boss Lady' right at this moment) is an SEP. We get into some very 'unusual' exercises and visualizations at times in therapy.

YOU CAN do this recovery work!  :cheer:

Take care -

Very good question, globetrotter, as to when the work is done.   I will say that Pete Walker's answer on it in his latest book, is splendid.

For me, it is like leaving a mountain range.   It's only once it is behind me that I know.   There may be another mountain range ahead.   It's okay.

Like Walker says, we have a silver lining to this.   With such focus on developing our emotions, we end up bypassing the general public at some point.

I enjoy people with depth, and I'm not surprised by their tough past.


I laughed with your "Boss Lady" bit.   I enjoy your sense of humor.

We both CAN do this recovery work!    :cheer:

You take care too, globetrotter.

Hi All, I am new. It is very late and I am so tired but enjoyed reading all the posts on this thread.
I have suppressed my emotions for over 50 years, learning how to feel. It is truly a slow go but I see progress in my ability to grieve and to am starting to feel the good things a bit.

Yes, a life long journey, but the silver lining and knowing my journey will be used by G** in the lives of others is comforting. I can relate to the shear exhaustion of dealing with an EF, had a big one yesterday and then grieving. Had to take a 5 mile walk to get myself feeling like the adult me afterwards. Exhausted today. Hard and painful stuff that must come out to move forward.

Thank you all for sharing as I gain insight by reading your stories.
This is something that effects all areas of our lives. A new thing just popped into my head about relationships. I will be discussing that with my T next week. I had no idea there was a potential issue here. I need an objective person, my T who knows me yet has expertise in this area to tell me what she sees, and how we can move forward. Again my main focus is on feeling. I am asking myself how I feel about everything so the emotions can come out. I have not been able to display my emotions with anyone, just alone. My T is seeing some of my anger, but it would be a miracle if I cried in her office. It will happen one day. As the topic says, it's a slow go  :yes:

Hi VS,  a big  :hug: for you.

Play, dance, tap a rhythm ...hug yourself, pat yourself on the back ...when passing a mirror smile at yourself that you ARE glad you are here.    All the physical body things we missed as a child, but are so surprisingly critical ...the small joys ...it develops our brains.   

Give yourself the verbal missing praise that was missing long ago.   All the rational thoughts that are positive develops our brains.

Many of us here are in your shoes, myself with 40 to 50 years of this "brown bagging" ...stuffing emotions.   There is freedom coming out of this.

It has helped me a TON to see that I am not alone on this Journey.   Glad you are here too, VS.   We will all get better together.   Celebrate each day.  :applause:

Wow, thanks for that Rain!
Lots of encouragement there. I am thankful all of us are not alone, we need each other.
Just thankful I can cry at all, but will rejoice in that I was able to shed so e tears about my past today with my husband. I think it is coming and when I can with my T or not her friend, that will be a breakthrough for me. Not obsessing about it.

Yes, I must say having the freedom to express myself, like that child who never could has been therapeutic. It's coming ever so slowly but is so freeing.
I agree, we could not handle if everything hit us all at once. I woke this morning and realized working through my suppressed emotions has changed me, and I did not like the changes. Had to oust my inner critic. I am tired, exhausted and less motivated. I have crashed yesterday for an hour who he'd caused a horrible nights sleep, but I could not fight the total exhaustion after grieving for two hours yesterday morning.

I find being an older mom with two younger teens and going through this process now very difficult. I am thankful for the two people and one Higher than I that get this, get me, and I have the freedom to be myself. Now I have all of you, special. We are all special, extra special  ;)

I really appreciate the warm welcome and words of wisdom, especially that each day adds up faster than we think. I need to work real hard on the self care. Very foreign, but taking your suggestions to heart. Little things do matter.

Glad you are here and I see active on this forum :wave:

Kizzie wrote:
I was thinking after my session that Maybe I am closed off from the really painful stuff because if I let anyone in, the damn will break and I'm not really certain I could take the pain.  So I'm not sure that I am as afraid to trust others these days so much as I am myself.

I am afraid that I will start crying and not be able to quit! :'( :'( :'(  I had an appointment with psychiatrist this week. I got mixed up on days of the week... apt. was on WED. and when I got up on wednesday, I thought it was Tuesday! I missed My apt.  :stars: I have that happen to me often where I miss days... does that happen to any of You?

I wanted to ask him about who he thought would be a good therapist, and tell him My thoughts on bi-polar vs. cptsd? I was so disappointed at Myself!  :doh: Now I can't get into seeing him until April!  :stars:

April - seriously?  Why is that BadMemories?

kizzie not sure what you mean by why is that? Why can't I get in until April? he is booked until then!  ;D