Hello
Inner critic is driving me insane -
Essentially I know it is 'thinking and the thoughts aren't 'real
It seems to be teaming up with my low self worth and doing 'a very good job' and beating me down -
It's exhausting - I feel lethargic and low
The hardest time is at work - I work in a busy stressful environment as a nurse - many nurses say they don't feel they do a good job - as the environment and lack of staff hinders any feeling of achievement -
People tell me I'm a good nurse - but I don't believe it -
It's the low worth that seems the prob too - also I am on anti dep that impairs my memory and also have chronic sinusitis that gives me head pain and so these things hinder my 'capacity at work'
I am learning about self compassion and as p walker says it is an area that is often vastly lacking for us . Tonight at work I said to myself 'am I trying my best ' and I think I am -
Also started having driving lessons and this is another area ( even though I'm new at it ) that my inner critic is berating me for - should know me - be better - have it Sussed
The evidence is on the second lesson I drove 5 miles and my instructor told me on the 4 th lesson how well I was doing - but still I feel useless - worthless and stupid
Tonight I feel fed up and asking 'will I always feel like this - how is it gonna change ?
The good thing is now I am not fixing on any addictions - I get to see this stuff clearly instead of 'just feeling low ....
Boatsetsailrose it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
For me, such stressful times seems to make it easier for my ICr to attack me.
It seems reasonable that your ICr is so active when you have so much going on. It is unfair too, eh? When we most need our energy to deal with basic life stuff, we often must instead spend so much of it on defending against the ICr.
If it helps, it sounds like what you are going through is 'normal', or as 'normal' as something like this problem could ever be. It also sounds like you truly are doing your best. It sounds too like your best is pretty amazingly good. Your ICr seems to be lying to you, though unfortunately that is what they do...
Sending positive energy thoughts
:bighug:
For some reason, this one did not come through on my reply.
Thank you I like vanilla.
Really helps to get your reply :)
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC??? i call mine The Bitch (hi-lite to read if you didn't guess).
Boatssr, don't despair. much support and :hug: :hug: :hug:
May Trigger....
Arply1, maybe this was what it was like for your growing up??
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???
It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.
I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.
Thank you arpy
Today is a better day :) I have some freedom :)
Indigo - it is all a delusion !!!
There is nothing wrong with us - we are just right - good people and even when we muck up we are still right people
🌺🌸
i read eckhart tolle's book new earth. something i remember is he says these voices are something like a movie reel in your head, saying a bunch of stuff. blah blah blah . think of it as an insect. like a mosquito in the room; annoying and hard to ignore but not significant.
Quote from: Indigo on October 08, 2015, 02:16:40 PM
May Trigger....
Arply1, maybe this was what it was like for your growing up??
isn't it weird how no matter how hard we try, how much success we achieve, we can never do enough to please our IC???
It was for me , nothing i ever did could ever please my mother, so i never gained any validation from succeeding at anything and I gave up trying that long ago, because i thought that the problem wasnt what i *did or didnt do*, its *who I am*, and i still think this.
I hope its all a delusion i was made to believe.
Indigo, this is a great insight. I know it is true for me too. There was also the impossible double bind (instilled by my NM and quoted often by my ICr) - 'never good enough, keep trying to be better, nothing is acceptable except the best'... 'but don't be so good that you that you make me feel threatened (because you might be 'better' than me'... My ICr revels in this type of no-win situation and, yes, it is a reflection of my growing-up. I think, unfortunately, so many of us have ICr that learned their tactics from our parental-type adults (I almost said 'caregivers' but that would be a lie).
Quote from: tired on October 08, 2015, 03:22:38 PM
i read eckhart tolle's book new earth. something i remember is he says these voices are something like a movie reel in your head, saying a bunch of stuff. blah blah blah . think of it as an insect. like a mosquito in the room; annoying and hard to ignore but not significant.
Tired, this is a fantastic image. Thank you for sharing it. I think I will draw on it when my ICr acts up.
Indigo mosquito! i love that. gonna remember that.
for me it wasn't so much growing up, altho there was a big pressure to be 'intelligent' and get top grades, felt like i had to excel, not just succeed, or i had failed (i know, makes little sense).
it was really in the JP that i learnt that i could never get it right enough becos i am fundamentally wrong, flawed, which taints everything i am and do. that was where the Bitch really came into her own. i still hear N (the leader) shouting in my head even now.
i need to work on believing it's a big lie. :stars:
Tired - love 💓echart tolle
I haven't read that book yet but have the power of now - practical steps book which I highly recommend ! :)
the person who recommended it was starting a business as some kind of healer and we had a few conversations. she said all these things in your mind, they are not you. i said who am i and she answered you don't need to know that.
i think what she meant was you don't have to have all the answers to be happy now (a tolle concept). sure, you can go to analysis and connect the dots and figure out what is you and what is noise. but right now, knowing that there is a difference, you can be perfectly happy. it doesn't matter that we can't completely separate and take a step back and look at our minds. we can know that theoretically, in a magical world, we can imagine that we are more than the sum total of all the crap that was thrown at us.
Exactly :)
Who am I ? That is a great question to ask - maybe a writing exercise ...
But yes not needing to know but feeling it -
My 1st experience of this as an adult was going to a satsang ( meeting truth ) and opening to dropping out of my mind - I'll never forget that day -
Just this morning I wake and my head is doing its thing - I get up stretch smile and breathe - I know today my head is on automatic replay -
But truth is ever new :) that being the magic of life - how lucky we are to know this -
Our nightmare becomes our freedom - blessed
Arpy1
Thanks, Im glad you like it ;D
for me it wasn't so much growing up, altho there was a big pressure to be 'intelligent' and get top grades, felt like i had to excel, not just succeed, or i had failed (i know, makes little sense).
No no, it makes perfect sense to me. No child should have to suffer that and I'm sorry that happened to you. Know one should have to *prove* their worth.
When you say, that you need to work on believing its a big lie, same here, I dont believe it for myself.
TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE BE CAREFUL-
Do you ever feel that it is true for everyone else who was abused, but not for you? That you are not worthy of this- this being that,-
everyone else who was abused is worthy, they were just made to believe they wasnt, and that their inner critic is wrong.
Do you believe that peopel are not born fundamentally flawed and worthless, but for you , you are the only one on this earth who actually is?
I feel this way.
Do you feel that the story of:
You were abused, made to believe you were unworthy, would be wonderful if that was your story, and that you could look back one day and see that you are worthy and that you are not flawed, -
but do you worry or feel that, while that story sucks because it means you were abused (which you were),
you are not good enough for that story? For the happy ending?
I do, and i worry that i will always be worthless, and that that story is only for the people who were abused and made to feel horrible about themselves who WERE NEVER worthless to begin with.
I feel that i was made flawed and that even if my T tells me I'm not and that i never was, i worry she will never know the truth, which is that I am worthless.
This is really how i feel, not saying that thats true for you or anyone else or that I'm right in my thinking.
My T thinks my thinking is wrong about this.
I am sorry you have your inner critic shouting in your head.
I do hope you see that its a big lie. I can say this for others but its so hard to believe and say to myself.
And then one day you realise by astonishment that the self hatred has shrunk and you can't believe it ... Really has it gone ? Where has it gone ? Was it really ever there ?
It comes back sometimes but not with the same force and it is flimsy by comparison - -
Target warning ##
Do not -
Do Not stop until the miracle happens -
The miracle of you -
It's there for all
Of us
And that --- is a fact
No one is excluded from finding out who they really are
Sending 💓
Aw Boatsetsailrose,
That is so lovely, thank you for that!
Do you mind me asking, when and how did it happen for you?
Hi :)
Well it's been a background thing and it's not always the case but I feel there has been a shift -
Um since I did the work with child trauma therapist
Self
Compassion being a hot topic - I can post a link to a website she recommended if u would like
Getting more awareness
This forum
P walker book
And doing other spiritual things - at the mo am doing transformational breath work in a group -
I think what p walker says about it's not just the cognitive healing that needs to take place but the emotional healing too -
The wounds need to be worked on with the right therapist / healer to shrink
That bad core we feel
Reading about shame is good too
Get a good book on it and what to do about it
Spiritual help is a good aid for me - it gives me the truth
indigo oh yeah, i know exactly what you mean about being the only one who truly is worthless/flawed/useless/guilty/whatever else the Bitch throws in my face. definitely. and i am unable to do the mental gymnastics required to unbelieve it at the moment.
slowly though, i am trying to turn that feeling back on the perpetrators, and believe that the only reason i believe it is becos it was in their best interests that i did. so i am not exactly challenging the belief, more recognising where it came from and giving it back? if that makes sense? becos for me, that robs it of power. and stops it from frightening me into freezecollapse mode. and funnily enough, it is diminishing a little bit. so that has to be good!
i also relate to believing everyone else who is in this battle really was worthy.... so i can believe it for you, if you can believe it for me... that way, we both have someone believe in us. gotta help, hasn't it??
:hug: :hug:
Boatsetsailrose
Thanks for sharing. I hope the shift continues to stay strong.
Its normal to go back and forth in recovery.
If you wouldnt mind posting the link i would really like to have a look at it, thanks a lot.
I will get some books on shame too.
Your group sounds interesting.
Looks like I'm on the right track. ;)
Arpy1, OMG.
I cant believe you think the same way as I do, and whilst it is comforting, that is very sad to hear for you.
How are you turning that feeling back on the perpetrators?
How true:
he only reason i believe it is becos it was in their best interests that i did.
so i am not exactly challenging the belief, more recognising where it came from and giving it back? if that makes sense? becos for me, that robs it of power. and stops it from frightening me into freezecollapse mode.
This makes sense....how do you trust that you are right to tell yourself that the beliefs are wrong?
You are wrong...but how do you tell yourself that when you dont believe it?
I have this feeling that my mum will storm into my life, and tell me I should get my head out of dream land, where the story is that my parents abused me, and look at myself, look at the truth that is that i am worthless.
I fear being good to myself because of what could happen ie. others hurt me themselves.
Do you basically tell yourself that you are not worthless- in the moment, even if it seems like a big lie that isn't true?
Hope that makes sense.
Thanks a lot, I believe it for you, and thanks for believing it for me too. :hug: :hug:
it does make sense, and no, i don't just do the 'telling myself the opposite' thingy - for me it doesn't work, becos i spent years in the cult doing the 'positive thinking' thing and so it has just become another frightening, guilt-laden trigger for me.
so the only way i can make any progress seems to be by sort of remembering who made me believe it in the first place. and then remembering all the terrible damage they did to me. and then remembering that they had to make me feel worthless so that they could abuse me with impunity. and the big THEREFORE that follows is to question critically the whole belief of my own worthlessness....
it's hard to explain, but, like, i'm not exactly trying to stop the feelings; i am trying to see the reason why i feel them and give responsibility for creating them back where it belongs.
despite decades of trying, i never have much success trying to 'stop' feelings anyway. it's better, kinder to myself if i just look at them and try to co-exist with them without panicking.
i don't know, it just helps to ground me back into reality. as i say, trying to force myself to 'believe the positive' just doesn't makes me worse. i guess i am trying to learn the art of critical thinking (not as in being critical, but in being able to 'critique' intelligently the things i have always believed becos i was taught to)
funny, when you mention your mum storming in to berate you, well, in my head it's N, the cult leader, or L, a particularly scary lady i was close to who was like a surrogate mum for me for years till she turned her bile on me. i used to call it the N on my shoulder, like a little gremlin shouting horrible things at me all the time!
Hey Arpy1
Thanks for explaining.
It makes sense about it being frightening, and about the guilt. Also about why you dont tell yourself those things as it doesnt work and i get why.
It helps me to think of the fact that my mum is undiagnosed NPD. To remember that therapist said i was emotionally abused etc.
but sometimes its hard for me to believe the facts and to see them as facts.
Maybe it helps if you have memories, which i dont have completely at the moment.
I have the habit of thinking that maybe I was hurt etc. and maybe mum was messed up and dad too etc. but i am a worthless being - not because of what i fail to do or do wrongly- but because i just am, was born like that- and even though i never chose to be born that way- i should still be ashamed of it, because the world wont tolerate the fact that i never chose to be this way- same as my mum didnt.
Even if its not my fault- people wont even want to look at me because of what i am deep down inside.
I hope i can grasp the truth one day- but maybe that will be harder than this lie i have created (if it is indeed a lie)...but the truth will be the door and the opening to hopefully a happier life etc.
I am glad you look at feelings the way you do. That is how to deal with them
I will work on this in therapy.
It seems that if i feel feelings, things go hay wire in my life. LOTS to work on here.!!
Yes- this is great!
learn the art of critical thinking (not as in being critical, but in being able to 'critique' intelligently the things i have always believed becos i was taught to)
What makes me angry is that these things may last forever. Comforting in a way as its all i have ever known, but also mad at the people who made me think these things that might not be true about myself and about life and that whilst i may one day think-
that they did it to me, it wasnt true what i think about myself etc. -
I may still feel it every day.
Haha, the green little gremlin. Good image!
How horrible for you that she turned on you like that after being a mother...or maybe you thought she was a mother but wasnt an ideal one at all.
Anyway, now I'm blabbing.
Thanks for that.
:hug:
:hug: :hug:
Dear indigo
# possible trigger warning
It makes me tearful to think that you have this feeling inside of you - and that a truly good person can feel this way -
But then I remember I had this inside of me for so long ( at short times it comes back but essentially it has gone )
That feeling of feeling rotten to the core - a bad person - intrinsically bad -
I used to feel like I'd murdered someone and was walking round with the guilt - that was the one way I could express how bad I felt as a person
Then I learnt of this condition called 'shame' and I felt a sense of relief that what I felt had a name and that it was a reaction to how others had related to me and rage I had turned this into me as self hatred -
I believe 100% you can be free of this -
I made a pact with myself when I was 17 that I would keep going until I felt better -
It's taken a lot of action ( I mean really so much of my life has been about healing ) and dedication. To get free -
A suggestion may be to focus on other parts of yourself and develop what u enjoy doing - my own experience is giving too much focus on the shame can somehow give it power -
It's in us but it is not who we are -
I used to hate mantras but one I say now is 'I am worthy ' 'I am good enough '
The shame I have expressed In Different ways over the yrs - through art ( always a dark figure ) with other expressions of where I was heading ( away from the beast
Dance therapy and other healing stuff
I can still relate to it though just today the charge nurse at work who was doing my annual appraisal was saying what a good nurse i was - and then asked me 'why don't you think you are '
And of course you and I know why but it just felt too long to get into
Maybe one day I'll feel good enough and not so perfection / inner critic driven :)
Sending you respect for being on this healing journey and for sharing so honestly of a subject we struggle with so deeply
Freedom is ours for the taking
We are all good people here 💓
Hi Boatsetsailrose
and thank you so much for your lovely message.
Im sorry if i have kind of ...taken this topic off course...I dont want others to not reply to your message at the top- the first one you posted- because of my question.
Your way of expressing this feeling of feeling bad as a person- very interesting and very good. Im not sure what the feeling is yes...as though i have murdered someone? I will have to see. Maybe that i have done something bad yes, and that i am covering it up but the whole world can see- they know what i have done , but more that I'm just a bad person inside...and i shouldnt be interacting or even walking the streets.
I felt relief too when i read a book about emotional neglect and it talked about the fatal flaw we feel. It hasn't stopped me feeling it..so i doubt knowing of shame will either, but its a process of course-and thank you for saying about shame, i am going to het some books about it and have a read.
it was a reaction to how others had related to me and rage I had turned this into me as self hatred -
I need to remember this, and woah, my anger is huge but at the wrong people, never my parents really, so if all the self hatred etc. is actually anger turned inwards...Omg. how much more of it there is.
Woah, imagine getting rid of self hatred in the form of angering...how freeing would that be!
That is intresing- I'm not sure i focus on shame, more - project it outwards unintentionally on others ... but its always there and i feel it some days.
I will try to find somethings i can focus on instead. Its hard because it comes up around others a lot, day to day when i cant distract and do something creative instead.
I hate mantras too but if they help thats good and those two things u say to yourself are probably good things to say to myself.
How cool to express shame with art. Im not sure how i would represent mine-
probably a picture of me with bad bits inside, in the pit of my stomach or suroundng my heart. it wold look like dirt.
The shame I have expressed In Different ways over the yrs - through art ( always a dark figure ) with other expressions of where I was heading ( away from the beast
Dance therapy and other healing stuff
Yes, i underhand why these questions are impossible to answer with out giving away your story and with out a lot of explanation.
I do hope you feel good enough one day.
And thanks very much. So much respect to you too for going on this hard journey.
Its really amazing and something to be proud of. :applause:
We are good people here and so are you.
:hug:
Thank you indigo
It's so good to share this stuff of our internal and external world
I didn't think u had taken things off course - it's really all relevant and great to have a thread that takes a journey 👍🏻👍🏻😊
No problem Boatsetsailrose
It is sooo good to share this stuff that we would never share with anybody for the shame and thinking know one else feels this way.
I am so glad that you feel that way about the thread. ;D :thumbup: :thumbup: