I find dating really hard with complex ptsd. I struggle to let people in and even when I do I don't know how to tell them there is something wrong with me.
Any tips?
edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum. There are a few active threads on the same subject open for posting.
Quote Laynelove: "I don't know how to tell them there is something wrong with me."
First thing, with regards to what you tell about yourself is--there is nothing "wrong" with you! That might not be so much about the date, as about you fully believing that is the case. Even to call it an illness is a bit off-putting. What's going on with us is just that we have had certain events that strongly impacted our lives. The emotional impacts may show, or not. But cptsd is purely normal, it just takes learning a slightly different approach to the mainstream.
My opinion is that using the label cptsd is problematic, especially early in dating someone. While you don't want to paper it over, it's not a detriment to have issues, it can even show you as a strong person working hard on being your true self. Any date may well turn out to have "issues", too.
I dated someone and we were upfront about issues...it was prior to the emergence of the cptsd knowledge base, but abuse and alcoholism backgrounds soon had us on a shared footing, regardless of labels. While the relationship didn't endure (although we still communicate amiably), it helped that we each knew some of the other's struggles.
It can be discouraging, for sure...I'm not actively seeking dates anymore but I wandered onto one of the umpteen singles sites and they had a forum. One of the topics was: If you knew your date had PTSD would you continue? The overwhelming response was no, which is awful and/or just shows ignorance because the cultural messages are to always be strong, be bold, :blahblahblah: . Yikes!!!
Having cptsd isn't something one shouts to the world, but it's probably made you a stronger person. Back to step #1: believe in your self-worth and it might help project the positive vibe you want to show. Cptsd is challenging, but it's a normal response to a rotten set of conditions put in our life's path. It causes a lot of pain, but we find strength where we can from it.
Wishing you the best. :hug:
That's a great encouraging reply! Thanks so much
Hopefully someday I'll feel worthy of love
I managed to get by for 20 years without knowing I had cptsd so I guess it doesn't make that much difference.
I have read a number of books that indicate that we're programmed sub consciously to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so its likely that your soul mate has had similar experiences, although they might not have had the presence of mind to realise that it changed the way they think and feel.
To quote my father, "my dad used to beat the * out of me and it hasn't done me any harm" lol
lol, steamy, i always said i married my dad... ...what truly, deeply worried me was the thought that my ex, similarly, might have married his mum... :witch:
..... please god, no, not that, don't let me be like her :aaauuugh:
I went on a number of terrible dates and gave up. If I ever hae a relationship it will have to start as a friendship and not a dating scenario.
My thought is - why should I date? I have books and a cat, so I'm safe
:yeahthat:
LOL dating what is that??
i think, it's what happened to that dress that you found scrunched up at the back of the wardrobe... :blink:
or possibly what happened to my whole wardrobe while i wasn't looking. :blink: :blink:
decided after my marriage failed that i just can't trust myself to make decent choices where males are concerned. the thought of an intimate relationship, whilst culturally seemingly 'imperative', just feels totally superfluous to what i am facing in my life at the moment. maybe when i heal a bit?? i don't know. not sure i would risk trying to share my life with someone again.
I don't want another human being to be a witness to my daily struggles.
:yeahthat:
it's funny cause i am in the swing of recovery and sometimes i can see myself dating soon/again and some days it's like * no!
As i come to understand how many not necessarily true beliefs i have about myself, others and how i have to be (with them and in general) i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. i will very likely get married have a good if not great relationship and kids.
my parents really really have ingrained in me the belief that my life is not acceptable, who i am is not acceptable, that i have to hide, that i have to be ashamed, that i can't be real or i won't be loved. those have been my go to reactions for almost 30 years. but as i'm mindful of those beliefs, keep breathing deeply to calm my amygdala (automatic freeze reaction) so i can think more rationally and make choices, i see that they're only beliefs. they suck, but i can choose not to act on them. that in itself has taken like 2.5 years of therapy lol.
turns out i don't have to intensely filter everything and there is a chance i'll be liked for who i am, my life experience, my trauma, my cptsd the whole kit and caboodle lol. the idea that i can speak freely at some point without filtering intensely- that i can really be seen- is so novel to me. so that's what i'm doing. accepting me and my feelings and my experience over and over and over...and giving others a chance to accept me and my experience. so i'm not dating yet but recovery makes me hopeful. but damn if it's not hard to not buy into this * i was fed my entire childhood. freaking parents really traumatized me. freeze reactions are the worst to undo.
i was doing a school assignment recently about what our families wanted us to be when we were adolescents. Over and over so many wrote that their parents just wanted them to be themselves, be honest and be happy no matter what. sure there were rules and standards, disappointment at different times, but they never had to be fake, be different or pretend with their parents. being them was enough. that's what others learned. that they'd always be loved and supported. and it's what i'm learning (i'm reparenting myself so I'm learning to love and support myself.) long story short- not dating yet, but looking forward to it as my recovery progresses. in those tiny glimpses when i'm really being me, it feels so good to be seen and i want to be seen some more. sorry for this long babble, but recovery is sooooooooooo hard to explain sometimes without a novel.
respect! :thumbup: :thumbup:
I love your post.
Great to see some positivity and great to see that you have made huge progress in your recovery.
It's funny, I started this thread and it's amazing what I write on here when I'm really struggling. This thread was a totally hopeless and desperate moment, I have these pretty regularly and it completely clouds my whole judgement of my future and my ability to get better.
I'm currently doing schema therapy and it's so so hard but it's probably the best thing I have ever done. It's all linked to how your current problems relate back to childhood. I think we are gonna start going over some re parenting stuff too so I can't wait for that. Before I started schema I was totally against ever having a family of my own in case my problems mess up my kids lives. With schema, as well as learning where my problems come from, I feel like I'm also learning parenting skills. I don't know what the future holds, but I have no longer completely ruled out the idea of a family. If I ever happen to fall pregnant I have the confidence that I can be a good enough mum to raise mentally healthy kids or be supportive, accepting and loving enough to support them if they do develop issues.
Letting someone in and having a successful intimate relationship is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, but once I do that I think it will be a sign that my recovery is complete.
Early stages though, maybe in a few years. One thing at a time...no relationships for me just yet!
There is no way I can honestly look at someone and tell them what happened to me. There is a difference between someone with whom I become friends. The information is still too much. To say it to someone I'm attracted to,
why in the world want to be with someone so damaged.
Yeah I wouldn't want to date me.
You have that right.
I wouldn't want to date anyone who wants to date a person like me. If I said here are my issues, do you still want to go out? Any sane person worth my time and respect would have to say "this is not a good time for you and I think you should focus on yourself right now. Maybe our paths will cross again someday when the time is right."
I don't think dating is ever easy, even for people who seem to have everything going for them. It's all a dance and a process -- 2 different personalities with their own histories and expectations hopefully finding common ground, maybe more. By nature, it's full of challenges. That's why the self-help section of any bookstore is bulging with advice, tips, tricks and manuals trying to make it easier. It's just not. It can be fun, occasionally wonderful and sometimes humiliating, but it's never simple.
But you (when you're ready to try) already have a huge advantage. So many people--most I think-- lack true self-awareness. When you begin to know yourself, you're better able to see what's really important in any relationship. You understand your own needs and are better equipped to detect and decipher what's going on. This isn't about "sharing" too much. It's about your relationship with yourself, which it where all health begins. I say this as someone who dated blindly for many years, never understanding where all my confusion and pain was coming from, hiding my fears and insecurities as if my life depended on it, because that's exactly how I was raised and that's exactly how it felt. Pretending is no way to live, let alone date. This condition makes us no less lovable, and I think it even makes us much more loving.
After years (and years and years :doh:) of therapy I am finally trying to tackle dating. I definitely find it to be a daunting task, though. It's one of those things on the top of my internal "do not do - ever!" list. I have a hard time with trust. I am incredibly anxious around people. Going somewhere new with someone you don't really know to just sit there and be alone with them - to me this sounds like torture. Who would want to do that?
But over the years I've learned that I was wrong when I thought I didn't want to connect with other people. Really, it was just fear. It's not that I don't want to have other people in my life, it is that I am terribly afraid of other people. I am afraid of how they can hurt me. And it's so uncomfortable to put myself in situations that make me anxious. But I don't want to spend the next half of my life dictated by the same fear that's been my task-master for the last half. And, unfortunately, the only way to get over anxiety is to face these fears. Plus, I think about the fact that I regularly face feelings of hopelessness and fear...and I always make my way to the other side eventually. Dating and relationships might make me feel bad too, but how much worse can it be than what I already face on a near daily basis? I don't handle things like others do, but I wonder if I also face emotional challenges others don't - maybe, just maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
So I am motivated, at least for now, to try and do this thing that scares me. After all, walking into a grocery store used to scare me. Then I got over that and it was having conversations with other people that scared me. And that, too, has improved quite a bit. I'm hoping dating with be one more thing that I look back on in a few years, wondering how it ever got me so afraid.
That said, I wanted to read this topic because I am about 2 hours away from actually going on a date. Despite being motivated to try and make this work, I don't feel particularly strong or motivated. I feel more like :sadno: :aaauuugh: :sharkbait: :blowup: