Here's the thing. I've got a LOT of photographs dating back to my childhood. They're all in a stack of boxes that's in my living room. That stack goes right up to my shoulder. For the past few years I've been planning to sort out the ones I want to keep and stick them in albums.
Only, I kept on procrastinating. And I'm beginning to suspect it's because those photos trigger me. I'm looking at them and I instantly remember how very alone I was back then. Or I look at photos of old friends and I begin to wonder if they ever knew the real me, or just the fake self I built up in order to be safe from emotional abuse. Or I look at them and I get an echo of the kind of emotional flashback I kept having at that time.
So. What to do?
Plan A: toss it all away.
Plan B: enlist dh's help, dive in quickly to salvage a very FEW photos just so I have some memory of those times in my life, and plan for enough time to vent and grieve or do something nice afterwards.
Which sounds sensible, doesn't it? But honestly, even that... yikes. It's scary. A part of me doesn't want to have a memory of those times in my life. A part of me wants to just toss out everything that belongs to that time and start over. Clean slate. A grand gesture that would validate my feelings: "no, I don't have any photos of my past - my past was horrid". Like an exorcism. Honestly, if I could do what I liked, I'd put those photos on a big pile and then blow it up.
Only, of course, things are never that simple. And maybe I'd change my mind again in a few years' time.
Did anyone here ever tackle something like this? What would you do?
EDITED TO ADD: sorry, Kizzie, if this is in the wrong place. I had no idea if this is a "cafe" post or a "recovery" post.
Since you're (quite justly) not exactly sure what you want to do with them; I'd buy nice plastic containers and keep them in good condition in there until the time when you feel able to sort them. That time will come; there's no hurry - and you'll know when you're up to it.
Photos are major triggers and I understand the urge to just burn them or enlist the help of someone who is not as emotionally attached to them as you are - but they are your memories, good or bad, and no one else can decide which are precious to you and which aren't.
I'd advice against burning them before you've sorted them yourself for one simple reason:
Among all the memories of people, places and events that you fear, there will also be memories of people, places and events that you will treasure once you see them again. People that were good to you, pictures of yourself that show that you also had happy times and that you grew up to be a strong and kind person; memories of fun events and kind people (teachers, friends, ...) that helped you survive the battlefield of your childhood home. They are all in there, as well.
Sort them when you're up to it - maybe little by little - and then make a bonfire of the ones you want destroyed. :party:
Thanks for that. I'm probably a bit too perfectionistic about decluttering. But you're right, a few more boxes in our cellar won't hurt...
I'm with keepfighting - keep them until a later time. There WILL come a time when you are feeling more whole, more healed, and where those pictures might not provoke the same negative reactions. Better to save them and be sure, than to get rid of them and regret it later because they cannot be replaced.
Fits here great Cat. :yeahthat: I'm with keeping them in case there does come a time you are more comfortable and then you'll have them.
BeHeal1thy, we bunged them in our cellar, but what you wrote made me doubly glad that I didn't toss them in the bin. It's a really good point. There'll probably come a time when I'm glad that I've got things that evoke memories.
I never really thought about it like that, but you're absolutely right. I'll bet that's why I don't go through my pictures that often. It's a really intense experience. I sat down and showed my boyfriend a box of pics one time and nearly flew through them, not really wanting to spend a whole lot of time explaining what was in them.
A family member passed recently, and the family photo albums have been pulled out several times. I've looked at them, and taken a few pics of pictures of me and my brother/parents when I was really young. That was really intense too. They don't evoke memories for me, mostly when I look at them...especially the ones where I'm older and WOULD have had memories, it's like looking at a stranger. But, the story teller in me puts together what I know from how things were when I was little and it just gets...surreal.
I'm glad you didn't throw them away.
One of the reasons I keep my photos of both good and bad memories is because I don't wish to remember only the good. It's sometimes good for me to look back and know for certain based on the emotions I see in the faces in the pictures what life was really like. If I were to keep only the good memories then I would be painting a falsely rosy picture of my childhood. But like others I keep them in a box tucked away and rarely take a look at them.
definitely keep them. I have very few pictures of Myself as a child or of My kids. uNPD DIL and son took all the pictures I had in boxes! When they divorced DIL kept them and says she can't find them! I am still grieving on that one!
I know this is an old topic but I just wanted to add that you may find healing in the pictures if you look at them with a therapist. Use them as a tool to empower yourself instead of letting them drive your emotions of pain (while you review) or guilt (if you choose to discard).
Either way, the beautiful thing here is that you realize you do have a choice in how you manage this, just like you will continue to have a choice in how you react to whichever is the best thing for you to do. :hug:
:wave:
Sandals wrote:
I know this is an old topic but I just wanted to add that you may find healing in the pictures if you look at them with a therapist. Use them as a tool to empower yourself instead of letting them drive your emotions of pain (while you review) or guilt (if you choose to discard).
:yeahthat:
As I read this I thought about what My husband said when he saw My 2nd grade picture..You look like You were having a rough life in this picture! After He said that I did notice it... :stars: Funny all those years that I had looked at that picture ( mom hung them on the wall) and never noticed it until he said something. ???
Keep on keeping on! ;) :hug:
I, too, have boxes of pictures that I was planning on organizing. I have decided to take that off my list of things to do for now. My inner critic is brutal when looking at pictures. I can barely stand to see a picture of myself from any point in my life.
I read somewhere (I don't know where because I have read way too much, way too fast this past month) that looking through old pictures can help you to heal. I am not at that stage yet. Looking at a pit of poisonous vipers sounds more appealing to me at this time.
:yeahthat:
Someone on here posted that they were always told that they were UGLY... this is the same thing that was told to me.. I don't feel ugly as an adult now...but looking at old pictures would make me feel the feelings of ugly that were told to me! I can imagine that that would be a real trigger...
Oh man photos. I was looking through my boyfriend's family photos over the holidays and even THAT was triggering. I hadn't even been born yet, in another country, when most of those photos were taken. Seeing how sweet and loving his dad was with his babies/toddlers/children just made me feel very sad. (Moms still freak me out, so the photos with his mom didn't have the same effect. :-x)
I don't know if I will ever see my childhood photos again, and I'm not sure if I will ever want to.
I've got that box of photos that I don't want to go through as well. Mine's a small, clear plastic box crammed full of photos (some of them have gotten stuck together now, too) and I can see some old photos that I want- but I know there are others lurking in there, waiting to pull me back to a harsh time. Sandals posted the idea about going over them with a therapist- maybe the best plan? Or taking it realllllllllllly slowly. Nobody wants to be bombarded with bad memories...
Here is an idea. There are a number of services online where you can send your old photos to be scanned very inexpensively. You could just box them up, have them scanned, and go through them with you comfort of you tablet or computer at a later date.
Just an idea...this is what I did with old triggering photos.
My gut response is that you definitely need to blow at least some of those photos up! We "blew up" a gingerbread house with firecrackers one year and someone else I know "blows up" his christmas tree every new year's day (basically with fire works and a little fire and a LOT of water close by just in case). I've done things like that as a way to create a healthy, empowering memory.
Like carrying 40 lbs. of sand down a very steep stairway and to the beach where I dumped it in to the ocean when I lost 40 pounds.
Or destroying the painful pages of my "divorce" journal by crumpling each page, tossing it in to the garbage, and crushing it in the dumpster.
Another part of me says don't destroy those pictures of the sad or unhappy you b/c (because) part of the journey is developing compassion for that you. And I hope that you're loved ones look at those photos with compassion.
As for photos I have the same dilemna, but mine most painful photos are the 22 years of my married/family life that include my own children, so I'm having to keep the photos for them. Like you, I had the pics in my living space in the hopes of organizing them. When I moved I put them all in boxes and shut them away for now and that lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Simply having the photos in my personal space was creating a negative environment for me. I also used my smart phone to take photos of some of the photos and stored that as my temporary "album." My daughter agreed that she'd like to help with the photos one day. I know that I don't want to go through them alone. So that's what's worked for me for the moment...Your photo project sounds like one that needs a supportive loved one. Often another person without the history can take sincere pleasure in looking at photos which can in turn help us enjoy or develop compassion around our past.
Also from my perspective, there is nothing that says you need to decide what to do with those photos "now."
So, maybe do what works for you now...blow up a few you really dislike and grab a couple from the top for an album...then put the rest away or blow them up. And you can tell people that your childhood was too unpleasant for you to share photos with them if you want no matter what you decide ;) Whatever you decide to do this sounds like an opportunity for some steps towards growth. And no need to try to jump a tall hurdle before you're ready...life gives plenty of other opportunities for practice...
Also your post is a reminder that I can be creative in how I approach my photos as well!
Thanks for the reciprocity :)
I actually threw out a ton of my journals one time because they triggered me. I'm still mad to this day I did it. I think the journals validated my feelings, but also show how far I've come. However, maybe it is the right thing for you to get rid of them. I don't read my journals, but I take them where ever I move. I used to feel like I was carrying around old negative feelings, but I feel now I'm bring around my strength. Without my experience and journals I would not be where I am today--on the path to self compassion.
It's really up to you what is best for you. Maybe there is some sort of ceremony you can have to burn them, or toss them. Maybe it will help you move forward from your old self. Everyone is different.
I have an out of sight out of mind policy with mine. I can't imagine that burning them would be that therapeutic for me. But that's just me.