Out of the Storm

I'm working to get a better knowledge of what my emotional flashbacks are like. Once I know that, I can recognize them more easily (I hope). One thing I'm trying to find out is, what do they feel like physically, both during an EF and afterwards. Also, what changes in behaviour are triggered? I'm looking for things that could maybe function as clear signals that I'm flashing back.

So how about comparing notes? Maybe we can gather enough data so each of us gets a better idea of what EFs tend to feel like. An EF roadmap, kind of.

One thing I noticed, EFs dehydrate me. I'm often really really thirsty for a few days, to the point where I'm drinking up to 3 to 5 litres of water per day.
During a flashback, I have a strong urge to physically hide, to be less present, less noticeably physically. So I've got a huge scarf I'm wearing, as a kind of portable nest. Or if several people choose seats in a room, I'm picking one that's in a corner and close to the door, or in a position where I can see all the entry points. I'm sitting hunched, a little on the edge of my seat - you know, the typical way women have of sitting in a way that saves room, in situations where men (and very relaxed women) would sprawl and lean back and stretch out their legs.
Also, I tend to feel peckish for comfort food, often a particular food.
Then there's feeling small and insignificant and boring.

So how about you?

I don't have a lot of 'obvious' EFs, more the subtle kind (which is why it took reading Walker's explanations to figure out what was really going on).

The physical and emotional symptoms I experience during EFs are:

- general feeling of restlessness
- bad sleep (waking up and not falling asleep again for hours even though there's literally nothing on my mind)
- a feeling of unease, heightened alertness
- feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on (even more so before learning about EFs)
- comfort eating, never feeling that I'm 'full'
- looking for sources of 'warmth' (seeking a place near the heating system, longing for a hot bath, holding cups of hot beverages - anything that has warmth)

That kind of thing..... No wonder it's hard to figure out what it is exactly  that I'm dealing with - it's all so nondescript and vague. It's only the sum of the symptoms that spell EF.

Quote from: keepfighting on October 01, 2014, 01:11:41 PM
- a feeling of unease, heightened alertness
- feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on (even more so before learning about EFs)

Same here. It's a certainty that something's not right, I just don't know yet what.

Quote from: keepfighting on October 01, 2014, 01:11:41 PM
- comfort eating, never feeling that I'm 'full'

I read something on another website where a trauma survivor says she begins to eat "sustaining foods". Do you get that, too? I do that. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'm eating a lot more carbs, more fat, and more sugary things.

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on October 01, 2014, 11:25:26 AM
I'm working to get a better knowledge of what my emotional flashbacks are like. Once I know that, I can recognize them more easily (I hope). One thing I'm trying to find out is, what do they feel like physically, both during an EF and afterwards.

Physical

Dehydration - tick. After an EF I almost feel like I have a hangover and drink a lot of water not only because I'm dehydrated but to flush the toxins out.
Craving for certain foods - tick.  During/after an EF especially all the bad stuff - sugar, fat, salt
Heightened awareness - tick.  Hypervigilant, easily startled
Cold - tick (like I just can't get warm)
Other - Very sensitive to light, sound, movement; tight jaw and chest; shallow breathing; difficulty sleeping (if EF last a few days); feeling like I am adrenalized, have lots of chemicals flooding my body

Emotional

Strong urge to hide - tick.  I actually hid in my (big) master closet when I was at my worst.
Fear and unease - tick. That someone will notice I am barely holding it together and before I knew these were Fs wondering if I was having a breakdown
Other - feel little, small, vulnerable, ashamed ......

Cognitive

Confusion - Tick.
Hyperfocused - on the issue that triggered the EF
Racing thoughts
A sensation that the world is moving faster than me, like I can't keep up or track things

My behaviour - if I can't go into hide mode right then and there I get whatever it is I have to get done done and then head for the bedroom, draw the curtains, turn on our white noise machine and try to fall asleep/dissociate until the EF passes. 

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on October 01, 2014, 02:38:42 PM
I read something on another website where a trauma survivor says she begins to eat "sustaining foods". Do you get that, too? I do that. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'm eating a lot more carbs, more fat, and more sugary things.

Yes, definitely. The 'easy' carbs and sugars that give you a quick rush... I also noticed that I am looking for a nice creamy texture; feels comforting in the mouth I guess...

Quote from: Kizzie on October 01, 2014, 03:00:59 PM
Cold - tick (like I just can't get warm)

Strong urge to hide - tick.  I actually hid in my (big) master closet when I was at my worst.

I seem to have combined the two urges: I used to 'hide' cowering in front of the heating device in my room when I was growing up.

The feeling like you just can't get warm is indeed another symptom I also experience.


I must pay more attention to the symptoms/feelings after an EF. It's intriguing that both of you feel dehydrated after an EF....

Ah-ha! Separating it into categories - that looks very sensible. Now why didn't I think of that. Hey ho, we're making progress. Thanks for your replies. This has already helped me get a clearer image of EFs.

Is it okay if I make a kind of master list? If it isn't, tell me and I'll just delete it. But I thought that maybe someone else wants to use this as a template they can then personalize and use as a checklist or something. (Which reminds me... added "urge to hyper-organize everything" to the list. Ahem.) Also, I wrote it in second person singular, but maybe writing "I" instead of "you" sounds more authentic?

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

Thanks.

In general, if someone else is around who gets only a few or none of these signs, it'd be still interesting to hear from you. That way, we could maybe add something like: "can range from mild signs like... [what it's like for you] ...to [more detailed or vivid symptoms]"? It's just a matter of course that things are going to be different for everybody. Different bodies, different traumas, different habits...

When triggered I have a visual memory of something or recall a feeling that happened to me as a child. The feeling around the original incident though decades old returns. My emotions take over and I'm completely irrational replacing the fear from youth with adult anger. Heart rate escalates. Usually short lived as I get past the anger. Ive noticed this three times over the last few months since learning what they are. I wonder how long this has been going on...if I'm just noticing or if it's a new process as I come in touch with actually feeling...

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on October 01, 2014, 06:15:49 PM
Which reminds me... added "urge to hyper-organize everything" to the list. Ahem.

:rofl:   

Great idea Cat!  Maybe when it's complete it could be included in the Recovery Toolbox.    :thumbup:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Cat, great job on the list!

:udaman:

Thanks!  :bighug:

Please tell me if and how this should be modified, yes?

One thing I'd find interesting is a list of ways one symptom can manifest itself. I'm still so out of touch with my EFs that "increased need for safety" sounds like it doesn't apply to me, but "urge to wear huge scarf" or "choosing seat where I can see all the exit points" makes me go "oooh, right, of course". So if anyone can add something to one of those points, that'd be great.

For this list to be useful to all kinds of people, we'd need to make sure this isn't just a "CPTSD for Freezers" list. I focus on the Freeze response when things are really bad, and on Flight/Fawn when I'm better. So I tried to include some of those symptoms. But as I'm not "specializing" in Flight or Fawn, I'm not totally sure I got it right. That part is badly in need of corrections, additions and comments.

Here's an updated version:

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

I'm just learning about myself and EF's as well, so there are only a few things that I've noticed. I did have a theory about EF's though, the other day which I'm going to have to observe...

Defense mechanisms...like, I understood them intellectually as a coping mechanism but didn't really grasp that a coping mechanism must be "triggered" by something, and essentially, wouldn't the space between any triggering event, and the engagement of a coping mechanism be an EF?

Before I really understood what an EF was, I was noticing in myself a tendency to react strongly to certain things and I'd use those "over-reactions" as red-flags to look at a situation more closely.

Any time I found myself getting extremely defensive about something, or very angry about it - I'm a pretty emotionally mild person - or, at least my passionate responses are usually in line with whatever it is, like...expected and not over the top. Now, I think that there are definitely times when my reaction is "strange" for the actual encounter that I'm actually likely having EF's.

My extreme EF's and the ones that I've known for years about occur in the presence of someone hitting a child, or threatening to hit a child and it's a full on panic reaction.

My heart races.
My breathing gets shallow.
And I start crying hysterically and can't stop until it's run it's course.
I definitely want to hide, or be held.

I apparently also have this reaction when I am put in a situation with an authority figure who has any kind of control over my life or the outcome of a situation, who refuses to listen to me, or treat me as an intelligent human being. The worse it gets, the worse my reaction gets.

I'm a freezer too so I can't offer much new than what's already been discussed.
Thoughts slow down to molasses.
Stare off into space.
Need to sleep or otherwise "reboot" my brain.

When I first came here and really started thinking about my past again - I was having sort of specific "sucked back into the past" feelings, sort of lose track of where I am and what I'm doing, just a repeating thought in my head which I'm pretty sure is my IC screaming..."Not ok! Not safe! Not ok! Not safe!" So, I'm working on grounding rituals.

Hi  :wave:

Tight shoulders and neck
Shallow breathing and unconscious breath-holding
Hyper focus on trigger
Heart palpitations
Physical illnesses - insomnia, sinus, G.I. and a really annoying phenomenon the "itchies" - in bed at night trying to sleep and there is an itch, you scratch it and instantly another pops up somewhere else... this can go on for hours and sometimes all night
- it's torture  :stars:

Fight response:  I feel this red hot anger coming over me,  "I see red" is a good description as it wells up from some place deep within me. It's different than normal (adult) anger because it is overwhelming and difficult to calm myself or think, I am just feeling the adrenalin and it's like I am an angry child who has been hurt.

The need to sleep to reboot my brain is what I do most of the time too Spryte - whether it's a freeze or fight or whatever EF.  And I do wake up feeling as though the dark clouds have passed and I am grounded again.   

I am finding that most of my "symptoms" of an EF are body based. Apparently, not quite ready to connect with actual feelings yet.

I'm noticing this crazy throat tightening, like you get when you're trying not to cry...except I have no desire to cry whatsoever, it's JUST in my throat, like the muscles outside the throat, not inside. It's actually pretty bad right now, kind of painful.

And I may or may not be having temperature control issues as well. I'm watching to see if this correlates, but my body temp seems to be dipping when this happens.

Thanks for responding, everyone. I'll keep this window open and incorporate the changes tomorrow. I think I'll also add more disclaimers that this isn't exhaustive and it's not prescriptive either, not like those lists where you have to have at least 5 of 9 symptoms. I had this sudden, horrifying mental image of someone's inner critic telling them "see? you haven't enough symptoms yet, you don't qualify!" ...

Rrecovery, what's G.I.?

Here's the updated version. It's been hugely helpful to me - what everyone here said about their own symptoms made me realize that I've had panic attacks as a teenager lots of times. Without the chest pain, but the rest of it? I went through wikipedia's list of symptoms and my eyes went wider and wider. So THAT'S what all that was! I always thought it was just me being weird. But no: panic attacks. Wow. Okay.

------------------------------------------------

This is a list of possible signs that you're having a flashback. Many of these points are symptoms (panic attacks, armoured muscles, tunnel vision,...). Other things are simply just signs, maybe even coping strategies (such as seeking warmth if flashbacks always make you feel cold).

The purpose of this is to help us find out about signs of flashbacks that we've had all along, but haven't really been conscious of. Flashbacks are so overwhelming that it's not easy to have one while also monitoring yourself closely for signs and symptoms. Moreover, people around us might have shamed or blamed us for showing signs of distress, to the point where we felt obliged to be in denial about our trauma.

For this reason, we've collected as many possible symptoms as we could. Some of these are mutually exclusive, and none of us have ever experienced all of those at the same time. (Or so I hope.) This isn't a list of diagnostic criteria. It's not a tool meant to let you decide whether or not you have CPTSD. It's just there as a kind of map to our collective flashbacks, meant to help us become more aware of our own reactions. What kinds of symptoms each of us has depends on many factors - whether our trauma is somaticized or not, whether we're in touch with our feelings or have gone completely numb, whether our preferred response to crises is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, etc. Everyone's different.


EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

Reading this list in one go was kind of depressing. In case anyone else feels the same, here's a photo of a baby tapir to make up for it.

(https://www.cptsd.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjustcuteanimals.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F04%2Fcute-animals-baby-tapir-tongue-out-pics.jpg&hash=e75239c1242fd275b7920650fa1b6eabae80b51f)

Great job, Cat, as usual.   I think you have the makings of a future book in you, already started on the forum.  The taper baby is just what I needed.

Maybe I will get my morning coffee, sit by the heater now too.    :hug:

Thanks! Doing this is a bit of an emotional risk for me - it feels a bit like I'm leaning out the window a little too far. So it's a relief to know that this looks like it might be helpful. Phew.

I'm having a coffee, too. Cheers, rain.

Your writing skills are wonderful, but more important is the content wrapped inside your words.   I hear you on the risk, but your writing is strong.   You think about your content which shows in its depth.   It's a window worth leaning out of.

Ah, I love my java!   Cheers, Cat.   :thumbup:

I'm with Rain. I love the clear way that you convey ideas. Thank you so much for taking the time to put that together.

Also...derealization...huh. Didn't know there was a word for that experience. I've had that a lot.

Me too. It got so bad during my teenage years. Everything seemed so foggy, so thinned out, so unreal, that I wondered: if I jumped out of a moving car, would anything really happen? Thank goodness I never tested this. When I read up on PTSD and stumbled upon a book on derealization, it was almost a relief to hear that no, the world isn't really like that, this is simply me being traumatized.

Excellent topic! This depth of dissecting EF never occurred to me nor the extended effect of a EF moment as in thirst and GI issues. Thanks so much!

During an obvious EF physically I shake and quake in fear but frozen to do anything or else my blood pressure sores and I feel flush, red face, heat in full fight mode. The more subtle EF is something I'm working to recognize and can only describe it as feeling off center, not on plumb, unsteady and unsure of myself. This list is great and will help me recognize the more subtle EF episodes.

There been times I've had an entire day of extreme low energy, barely getting out of bed and will need to pay attention if this follows an extreme EF episode or if maybe it itself is a different type of EF im not used to noticing. It never occurred to me those days might be actual EF periods.

Will this be in the toolbox?

PS thanks for the tapir comic relief!

Ok breakthrough moment! Yesterday had one of those extreme exhaustion days and curled up on couch watching tv all day hungry and picking on food the whole time. Thought it out and realized the trigger so yes it was a flashback day. Thanks for this insightful post! This is something I can definitely work with because when I can track back to the trigger and recognize it for what it is I can then go to the 13 steps of what to do when EF happens and work it though.
:cheer:

Heeeey! That's brilliant!  :waveline:  That's the very reason I started this list, because it's just so hard sometimes to notice flashbacks. After all, during a flashback I always feel that this is what the world is like, this is the sheer objective truth, I'm finally seeing things as they truly are. So unless I've got some markers or warning signs or little red flashing lights, there's little chance I'll even notice I'm actually flashing back to something else. What everyone here said has already given me a much better understanding of things.

I typed the things you said into the old list, the one just above the photo. What you said about feeling unsteady and off centre - I'd not consciously linked that to EFs, but that's definitely there in mine, especially in the milder ones or in even the mid-size to big ones just before they get bad or just after they've ceased to be really awful.

Not sure if this will be in the toolbox. We could ask?

Today I was reading the steps to managing flashback and one of the steps included self soothing such as cuddling up with a blanket. I suppose it's a good sign when I do that because of choosing to self soothe in a healthy way.

@ schrödinger's cat

This is a great list I am going to bookmark it so when I feel bad, I can refer to it!

No one mentioned being scatterbrained. I get scatterbrained! I can't remember things I should rememeber, and just draw a blank! Sometimes when I try and post on here I have to do the copy and paste several times because I get them backwards.

keep on keeping on!

Thanks for pointing that out, Badmemories and Butterfly. I'll paste an updated version of our list into the next post.

EDITED: deleted this list so this thread doesn't reach the five-page limit too soon. The full list is on the last or next-to-last page.

Wow Cat, you are the woman!     :udaman:

Tks for all your work on this   :applause:

Curious about the "itchies" especially at night - an itch pops up and the second you scratch it another pops up somewhere else and so on... can go on for hours.  Perhaps I'm the only one - it's definitely an odd one - but it only happens to me in an EF.

I get itchy when I'm stressed, too. It's really annoying.

Rrecovery, it's in the list under "general malaise", here:

QuoteGeneral malaise - feeling itchy; existing conditions may get worse .... .

Hi SC,

Thank you, yes, I see it.  Thank you for this comprehensive list.  It feels validating  :hug:

Thanks. Yay! I'm happy this has helped someone.  :cheer:  But goodness me, has this list ever grown in size.

First I get really agitated and anxious. Then I have a lot of thoughts of violent and gruesome self-harm and feel the urge to destroy everything fragile I can get my hands on. Finally I freeze up and feel helpless and broken and disgusting and worthless. I rotate through these three experiences until it either resolves on its own (after weeks or months) or, more recently, until I realize I'm in a flashback and do the 13 steps.

Hi Milarepa! Thanks for that. I can't believe I never thought to add shame and self-harm. Such an obvious point, in hindsight. It's surprisingly difficult to actually be aware of what's happening during an EF - I freeze up so fast, it's hard to stay present. I also added what you said about cycling through stages. It's in the last of the three introductory paragraphs.

Cat - Could I add your list to the glossary? There's a short description of EF's there, but this is great additional info that could be added as a link.

Add away!

A suggestion: maybe you could add a link to the subforum on EFs (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=57.0), in case the list raises questions?

Will do, tks for the suggestion  :hug:

Quote from: Rrecovery on October 29, 2014, 02:09:54 PM
Curious about the "itchies" especially at night - an itch pops up and the second you scratch it another pops up somewhere else and so on... can go on for hours.  Perhaps I'm the only one - it's definitely an odd one - but it only happens to me in an EF.

This happens to me constantly. I basically always feel like I have bugs crawling on my skin.

Hi Milarepa, It's maddening isn't it?  I have found a way to quiet it:  I get it lying in bed trying to sleep - I realized that I tend to tense my muscles (curl up) and my breathing gets very shallow.  If I consciously relax my muscles and breathe more deeply it goes away.  Hope this helps you  :hug:

I echo what you have all said. Rrecovery, that is it in a nutshell for me. I get shaky, racing thoughts, racing heartbeat. Insomnia with all of the above. Major toxic shame attacks, suicidal ideation, very tense and withdraw until it goes away. Then feel wiped out, hopeless.

Quote from: Rrecovery on March 02, 2015, 02:05:19 PM
Hi Milarepa, It's maddening isn't it?  I have found a way to quiet it:  I get it lying in bed trying to sleep - I realized that I tend to tense my muscles (curl up) and my breathing gets very shallow.  If I consciously relax my muscles and breathe more deeply it goes away.  Hope this helps you  :hug:

Thanks! I'll give that a try. :-)

Quote from: Rrecovery on October 29, 2014, 02:09:54 PM
Curious about the "itchies" especially at night - an itch pops up and the second you scratch it another pops up somewhere else and so on... can go on for hours.  Perhaps I'm the only one - it's definitely an odd one - but it only happens to me in an EF.

This list quite extraordinary. I have many of them, but wanted first to let Rrecovery know that the very same thing happens to me with itching although the correlation would never have occurred to me if you hadn't brought it out into the light.

One physical sensation I get with EF is never ending/pulsating butterflies or a knot in that same area. I noticed that feeling sick is on the list, but not sure if this is connected or something else entirely. When I get that sensation, it is typically associated with anxiety.

During EF I often have a huge loss of appetite. Interested that others get food cravings where I don't want to eat at all. Although I sometimes want to drink alcohol.

Also, I experience the sensation off being off-balance. I'm not sure how to explain this one, but I get a sensation of how someone might be feeling about me and it sets me off kilter because I don't know what is real. It is very destabilizing. Is that derealization? I'm not sure.

Amazing thread.

Hi Lonewolf, I'm glad I helped bring it out into the light for you.  Thank you for letting me know.  It feels good when the sharing of my suffering actually helps someone.  Silver Linings.  I hope my remedy will be helpful for you.   :hug:

Thanks lonewolf and Phoebe, I've added what you said to the list.

Lonewolf, is this what you meant? I'm feeling a bit woozy and tired today and want to make sure I understood what you were saying.

QuoteYou sense how someone else might be feeling about you and this destabilizes your own sense of what's real (to the point where you're not sure anymore whether this imagined perception or your own is real)

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on March 09, 2015, 03:20:35 PM
Thanks lonewolf and Phoebe, I've added what you said to the list.

Lonewolf, is this what you meant? I'm feeling a bit woozy and tired today and want to make sure I understood what you were saying.

QuoteYou sense how someone else might be feeling about you and this destabilizes your own sense of what's real (to the point where you're not sure anymore whether this imagined perception or your own is real)

That is exactly right. You said it much better than I did. Thank you.

Thanks. It's happened to me, too, though not to the point where I feel fully derealized. But I only became aware of it when I read your post, so thanks for writing it.

The EF symptoms are showing me I seem like im just living one giant EF. With sporadic days maybe 1 -4 every few months where I am not in an EF.

Oh yikes.  :blink:  Poor Annegirl. That sounds very, very, very uncomfortable and very painful.

Quote from: Annegirl on March 12, 2015, 06:39:42 AM
The EF symptoms are showing me I seem like im just living one giant EF. With sporadic days maybe 1 -4 every few months where I am not in an EF.

This is also true for me. You're not alone, Annegirl.

Quote from: Annegirl on March 12, 2015, 06:39:42 AM
The EF symptoms are showing me I seem like im just living one giant EF. With sporadic days maybe 1 -4 every few months where I am not in an EF.

I've been there. IME, the severity of the perpetual EF decreases over time and the frequency and duration of "surfacing" experiences (when you're not in an EF) increase. The fact that you're having those moments at all means that you're on the right track. Keep going!!!  :applause:

Im still trying to sort out flashbacks. I get a racing heartbeat, get short of breath and talk quickly and sometimes shake. I sometimes get palpations too. I also need to do, do, do. Jobs, errands anything. I need to feel like im achieving something. Is this a flashback, or just a panic attack? I also feel the walls go up as I try and shore myself up emotionally. I get emotionally distant. Recently ive had lots of the previous but also seperately an ache all over with shortness of breath. Ive linked this back to how I felt during the abuse while pregnant. I even ended up sleeping on the floor again, just couldnt seem to get myself into the bed. I used to sleep on the floor during my marriage, especially when pregnant and when my daughter was young. Most of the symptoms above I had while I was married. So Im guessing having them now years later makes them flashbacks?

This is a list of possible signs that you're having a flashback. Many of these points are symptoms (panic attacks, armoured muscles, tunnel vision,...). Other things are simply just signs that you're stressed. Still other things may even be coping strategies (such as exercizing a lot to burn off excess adrenaline, or seeking warmth if flashbacks always make you feel cold).

The purpose of this is to help us find out about signs of flashbacks that we've had all along, but haven't really been conscious of. Flashbacks are so overwhelming that it's hard to monitor yourself for signs and symptoms while you're in the middle of it all. Moreover, people around us might have shamed or blamed us for showing signs of distress, making us feel that our own feelings and physical reactions were best ignored.

For this reason, we've collected as many possible symptoms as we could. Some of these are mutually exclusive, and none of us have ever experienced all of those at the same time. (Or so I hope.) This isn't a list of diagnostic criteria. It's not a tool meant to let you decide whether or not you have CPTSD. It's just there as a kind of map to our collective flashbacks, meant to help us become more aware of our own reactions. What kinds of symptoms each of us has depends on many factors - whether our trauma is somaticized or not, whether we're in touch with our feelings or have gone completely numb, whether our preferred response to crises is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, etc. Everyone's different. Flashbacks can be mild and very hard to spot, like a grey fog settling over everything. They can be strong, sudden, and debilitating. They can come in several stages that you cycle through (for example: feeling agitated and restless --> elevated Fight response --> Freeze response plus shame).


PHYSICAL

Dehydration: being very thirsty, drinking lots of water; maybe also dry mouth, slight headache, feeling tired, feeling dizzy

Feeling like one is adrenalized, has lots of chemicals flooding the body; feeling almost hungover or drugged

Feeling sick and nauseated, feeling ill, feeling physically weak

Craving certain foods - especially sugary, fatty, and/or salty foods; creamy textures; comfort eating; never feeling you're full; craving more sustaining foods (if you usually eat lots of vegetables)

Loss of appetite, not feeling hungry, not eating

Heightened awareness - hypervigilant, easily startled, racing thoughts, a "tunnel vision" focus on potential threats (or on "unsafe" people in the room) coupled with being less able to concentrate on other things

Cold - feeling like you can't get warm; seeking a place near the heating system, longing for a hot bath, holding cups of hot beverages - anything that has warmth

Tense - tight jaw, shoulders, and chest; muscle tension, "armoured" muscles; feeling a tightening around your throat as if you're tensing up so you won't cry; butterflies or a knot in your stomach

Sleep - difficulty sleeping (if EF lasts a few days), or waking up at night and staying awake for several hours; insomnia; feeling a need to sleep to reboot your brain

Breathing - shallow; unconsciously holding your breath; shortness of breath; feeling like you aren't getting enough air, wanting to always keep a window open because there isn't enough air in the room
   
Senses - very sensitive to light, sound, movement: things easily seem too loud, too bright, too hurried
   
Restlessness - feeling adranlized; unease, heightened alertness, feeling like you're never fully relaxing comfortably into a situation, instead always sitting perched on the edge of your seat (as it were); talking quickly

Fight response - feeling flushed, having a red face, feeling hot, feeling adrenalized

Freeze response - shaking in fear but being frozen and unable to do anything
   
General malaise - feeling itchy; existing conditions may get worse (food intolerance, stomach troubles, arthritis,...); sudden illness; general exhaustion; being more illness-prone (sinus trouble, head colds, infections,...); reacting more strongly to things like caffeine, cold meds, chocolate,...

Panic reactions - shallow breathing; palpitations; your heart races; strong urge to hide and find a safe place, to be held and comforted; starting to cry uncontrollably; panic attacks (a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, accompanied by physical symptoms such as trembling, an accelerated heart rate, sweating, feeling choked or smothered, nausea or abdominal distress, derealization, depersonalization, feeling dizzy / unsteady / lightheaded / faint, chest paint that can make you think you're having a heart attack, sense of impending death, fear of losing control or going insane, numbness or tingling sensations, and chills or hot flashes).


EMOTIONAL, BEHAVIOURAL, AND COGNITIVE

"Overreacting" to a certain situation - becoming extremely defensive or very angry, "seeing red" as the anger wells up from deep inside you, or feeling flooded with fear; your fear or anger is overwhelming, and you have difficulty calming yourself; feeling like a child who has been hurt

Cognitive distortions aka thinking fallacies - especially filtering, polarized thinking, overgeneralizations, jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing, personalization, the fallacy of internal control (=we feel responsible for the happiness and welfare of everyone around us), blaming ourselves for every problem around us, "should"s, emotional reasoning, and mislabelling (more here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/0002153)

Strong urge to hide - hiding in a closet; choosing a seat where people won't see you; closing the curtains (if you usually don't); wearing nondescript clothes that let you blend in and / or hide most of you; not wanting to leave the house. If seated or standing, adopting positions that are tense and don't take up much room, and/or let you get up again at a moment's notice, and/or copy what everyone else is doing so you don't stand out (even when doing so is physically uncomfortable for you - for example, crossing your legs even though it's * on your knees)

Strong urge to do something - for example, watching a child being yelled at and feeling a strong need to call the police or put yourself in the middle of it to protect the child

Fear of standing out of the crowd: not daring to disagree, feeling a pressure to go along with what others are saying, feeling that it's safest to not contribute to the conversation (except by making vague agreeing noises or letting others talk about themselves); feeling pressured to correspond to people's expectations, to be average and ordinary so one won't attract attention; urge to withdraw

Fear and unease - fear that someone will notice that you're barely holding it together, worrying that you're having a breakdown, worrying how long this is going to tak
   
Lack of control - feeling threatened, feeling helpless and at the mercy of forces beyond one's control; urge to hyper-control everything, feeling that everything must be just right or it's a disaster, escaping into activities one can control

Lack of poise - feeling off centre, feeling unsteady and unsure of yourself, feeling awkward and self-conscious

Diminished sense of self - feeling little, insignificant, small, vulnerable, ashamed, etc.; feeling that people around you are all of them to be a lot more powerful / important /handsome than you, feeling that they matter and you don't, feeling powerless

Emotional armouring - the walls go up as you try to shore yourself up emotionally; being emotionally distant

Echoes of your trauma - aches and pains in specific places (that were hurt back then), avoiding certain places (that are strongly associated with your trauma)

Toxic shame - feeling disgusting, worthless, stupid, ridiculous, etc

Urge to self-harm, self-sabotaging behaviour, ignoring your needs, suicidal ideation

Urge to drink or engage in other kinds of addictive behaviour

Confusion - feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on; something isn't quite right, but you don't know what; a vague sense that you're to blame for something, you just don't know yet what for; similarly, a sense that there's danger around, you just haven't found out yet what it is

Hyperfocused - "tunnel vision" on the issue that triggered the EF, scanning the environment for signs that it's happening again

Absent-minded - being less able to concentrate, being scatterbrained, constantly forgetting things, attention constantly drifts off (into worrying or a freeze-response kind of daydreaming)

You sense how someone else might be feeling about you and this destabilizes your own sense of what's real (to the point where you're not sure anymore whether this imagined perception or your own is real)

Racing thoughts

Slowed down - thoughts slow down to molasses, slower reaction times, feeling sluggish, feeling drugged

Staring off into space - thousand yard stare while the mind goes blank

A sensation that the world is moving faster than you, like you can't keep up or track things

Feeling sucked back into the past, losing track of where you are and what you're doing

Possibly faster reaction times (?) - time seems to slow down and your reactions speed up (for example, thinking you gave someone ample time to respond or react to something you said, then later finding out that you waited for a bare two seconds)

Depersonalization - watching yourself act while having little or no control over the situation; everything seems unreal or hazy; feeling unreal, feeling cut off from your own personal physicality, from your own sense of self

Derealization - the world around you seems unreal, and/or seems vague, dreamlike, lacking in vividness, emotional colouring and depth; feeling separated from the outside world by a fog, a pane of glass, or a veil; familiar places suddenly look alien and bizarre

Freeze response: feeling less able or unable to concentrate; foggy-minded; feeling numb, sleepy, maybe even bored; feeling physically tired; wanting to crawl into your bed (or into a computer game, a TV show, a book, the internet...) and never come out; feeling like you're disappearing, like you're not fully real anymore; feeling like you're a powerless spectator; feeling wiped out and hopeless

Fawn response: seeking to conciliate others by doing them favours, anticipating their wishes, being "good" (=helpful, cheerful, competent, a good listener,...); being beyond reproach; keeping your 'difficult' feelings and opinions entirely out of a social interaction; "eliciting" (=encouraging the other person to talk about themselves at length so the conversation turns into a monologue that doesn't require you to participate or be open)

Fight response: seeing red, feeling overwhelmed by anger, feeling a strong urge to do something, to "fight back", to destroy everything fragile you can lay your hands on

Flight response: a need to "do, do, do", a need to achieve something: jobs, errands, speed-cleaning, hyper-organizing one's house or project, increased need to exercize,...

Hi pippapop, you brought up some very good points, so they're now in the list. An excellent description of what's probably a Flight-type reaction? (I think?) And the thing with being emotionally distant, I hadn't thought of that before. Also the wish to avoid certain things.

This list is now really, really, really long. I'm wondering whether I should shorten it. PRO: more user-friendly. CON: a long list contains more details, so it might be easier for us to find our own symptoms there. After all, there already are a lot of short symptom lists.

This is a list of possible signs that you're having a flashback. Many of these points are symptoms (panic attacks, armoured muscles, tunnel vision,...). Other things are simply just signs that you're stressed. Still other things may even be coping strategies (such as exercizing a lot to burn off excess adrenaline, or seeking warmth if flashbacks always make you feel cold).

The purpose of this is to help us find out about signs of flashbacks that we've had all along, but haven't really been conscious of. Flashbacks are so overwhelming that it's hard to monitor yourself for signs and symptoms while you're in the middle of it all. Moreover, people around us might have shamed or blamed us for showing signs of distress, making us feel that our own feelings and physical reactions were best ignored.

For this reason, we've collected as many possible symptoms as we could. Some of these are mutually exclusive, and none of us have ever experienced all of those at the same time. (Or so I hope.) They're in some kind of order that looked sensible to me at the time, because I wanted to make the list more readable. So if you have one symptom out of a group and not others, it doesn't mean anything at all. This isn't a list of diagnostic criteria. It's not a tool meant to let you decide whether or not you have CPTSD. It's just there as a kind of map to our collective flashbacks, meant to help us become more aware of our own reactions. What kinds of symptoms each of us has depends on many factors - whether our trauma is somaticized or not, whether we're in touch with our feelings or have gone completely numb, whether our preferred response to crises is fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, etc. Everyone's different. Flashbacks can be mild and very hard to spot, like a grey fog settling over everything. They can be strong, sudden, and debilitating. They can come in several stages that you cycle through (for example: feeling agitated and restless --> elevated Fight response --> Freeze response plus shame).


PHYSICAL

Dehydration: being very thirsty, drinking lots of water; maybe also dry mouth, slight headache, feeling tired, feeling dizzy

Feeling like one is adrenalized, has lots of chemicals flooding the body; feeling almost hungover or drugged

Feeling sick and nauseated, feeling ill, feeling physically weak

Craving certain foods - especially sugary, fatty, and/or salty foods; creamy textures; comfort eating; never feeling you're full; craving more sustaining foods (if you usually eat lots of vegetables)

Loss of appetite, not feeling hungry, not eating

Heightened awareness - hypervigilant, easily startled, racing thoughts, a "tunnel vision" focus on potential threats (or on "unsafe" people in the room) coupled with being less able to concentrate on other things

Needing space - you hate being touched; holding eye contact is difficult; you need more personal space than normally and feel crowded a lot more easily; you need escape routes (i.e. leaving a door open, sitting in a spot where you could just get up and leave at any time; in a restaurant or café, preferring to sit in a corner with your back to the wall, in a spot where you can see the whole place at once)

Cold - feeling like you can't get warm; seeking a place near the heating system, longing for a hot bath, holding cups of hot beverages - anything that has warmth

Tense - tight jaw, shoulders, and chest; muscle tension, "armoured" muscles; feeling a tightening around your throat as if you're tensing up so you won't cry; butterflies or a knot in your stomach

Aches and pains in places strongly associated with your trauma, and/or pain of a kind you felt back when you were traumatized

Sleep - difficulty sleeping (if EF lasts a few days), or waking up at night and staying awake for several hours; insomnia; feeling a need to sleep to reboot your brain

Breathing - shallow; unconsciously holding your breath; shortness of breath; feeling like you aren't getting enough air, wanting to always keep a window open because there isn't enough air in the room
   
Senses - very sensitive to light, sound, movement: things easily seem too loud, too bright, too hurried
   
Restlessness - feeling adrenalized; unease, heightened alertness, feeling like you're never fully relaxing comfortably into a situation, instead always sitting perched on the edge of your seat (as it were); talking quickly

Fight response - feeling flushed, having a red face, feeling hot, feeling adrenalized

Freeze response - shaking in fear but being frozen and unable to do anything
   
General malaise - feeling itchy; existing conditions may get worse (food intolerance, stomach troubles, arthritis,...); sudden illness; general exhaustion; being more illness-prone (sinus trouble, head colds, infections,...); reacting more strongly to things like caffeine, cold meds, chocolate,...

Panic reactions - shallow breathing; palpitations; your heart races; strong urge to hide and find a safe place, to be held and comforted; starting to cry uncontrollably; panic attacks (a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, accompanied by physical symptoms such as trembling, an accelerated heart rate, sweating, feeling choked or smothered, nausea or abdominal distress, derealization, depersonalization, feeling dizzy / unsteady / lightheaded / faint, chest paint that can make you think you're having a heart attack, sense of impending death, fear of losing control or going insane, numbness or tingling sensations, and chills or hot flashes).


EMOTIONAL, BEHAVIOURAL, AND COGNITIVE

"Overreacting" to a certain situation - becoming extremely defensive or very angry at the drop of a hat, "seeing red" as the anger wells up from deep inside you, or feeling flooded with fear; your fear or anger is overwhelming, and you have difficulty calming yourself; feeling like a child who has been hurt

Cognitive distortions aka thinking fallacies - especially filtering, all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizations, jumping to conclusions, catastrophizing, personalization, the fallacy of internal control (=we feel responsible for the happiness and welfare of everyone around us), blaming ourselves for every problem around us, "should"s, emotional reasoning, and mislabelling (more here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/0002153)

Strong urge to hide - hiding in a closet; choosing a seat where people won't see you; closing the curtains (if you usually don't); wearing nondescript clothes that let you blend in and / or hide most of you; not wanting to leave the house. If seated or standing, adopting positions that are tense and don't take up much room, and/or let you get up again at a moment's notice, and/or copy what everyone else is doing so you don't stand out (even when doing so is physically uncomfortable for you - for example, crossing your legs even though it's * on your knees)

Strong urge to do something - for example, watching a child being yelled at and feeling a strong need to call the police or put yourself in the middle of it to protect the child

Fear of standing out of the crowd: not daring to disagree, feeling a pressure to go along with what others are saying, feeling that it's safest to not contribute to the conversation (except by making vague agreeing noises or letting others talk about themselves); feeling pressured to correspond to people's expectations, to be average and ordinary so one won't attract attention; urge to withdraw

Fear and unease - fear that someone will notice that you're barely holding it together, worrying that you're having a breakdown, worrying how long this is going to tak
   
Lack of control - feeling threatened, feeling helpless and at the mercy of forces beyond one's control; urge to hyper-control everything, feeling that everything must be just right or it's a disaster, escaping into activities one can control

Lack of poise - feeling off centre, feeling unsteady and unsure of yourself, feeling awkward and self-conscious

Diminished sense of self - feeling little, insignificant, small, vulnerable, ashamed, etc.; feeling that people around you are all of them to be a lot more powerful / important /handsome than you, feeling that they matter and you don't, feeling powerless

Emotional armouring - the walls go up as you try to shore yourself up emotionally; being emotionally distant

Avoidancy - a wish to avoid certain places, situations, things, types of people etc that are strongly associated with your trauma; discomfort when forced to interact with them anyway (note: things that are strongly associated with your trauma will probably always have trauma cooties, but it's possible that those cooties increase in power from a low background hum to a screaming alarm while you're having a flashback)

Toxic shame - self-hatred, feeling disgusting, worthless, stupid, ridiculous, etc

Urge to self-harm, self-sabotaging behaviour, ignoring your needs, suicidal ideation

Urge to drink or engage in other kinds of addictive behaviour

Confusion - feeling confused while trying to figure out what's going on; something isn't quite right, but you don't know what; a vague sense that you're to blame for something, you just don't know yet what for; similarly, a sense that there's danger around, you just haven't found out yet what it is

Hyperfocused - "tunnel vision" on the issue that triggered the EF, scanning the environment for signs that it's happening again

Absent-minded - being less able to concentrate, being scatterbrained, constantly forgetting things, attention constantly drifts off (into worrying or a freeze-response kind of daydreaming)

You sense how someone else might be feeling about you and this destabilizes your own sense of what's real (to the point where you're not sure anymore whether this imagined perception or your own is real)

Racing thoughts

Slowed down - thoughts slow down to molasses, slower reaction times, feeling sluggish, feeling drugged

Staring off into space - thousand yard stare while the mind goes blank

A sensation that the world is moving faster than you, like you can't keep up or track things

Feeling sucked back into the past, losing track of where you are and what you're doing

Possibly faster reaction times (?) - time seems to slow down and your reactions speed up (for example, thinking you gave someone ample time to respond or react to something you said, then later finding out that you waited for a bare two seconds)

Depersonalization - watching yourself act while having little or no control over the situation; everything seems unreal or hazy; feeling unreal, feeling cut off from your own personal physicality, from your own sense of self

Derealization - the world around you seems unreal, and/or seems vague, dreamlike, lacking in vividness, emotional colouring and depth; feeling separated from the outside world by a fog, a pane of glass, or a veil; familiar places suddenly look alien and bizarre

Freeze response: feeling less able or unable to concentrate; foggy-minded; feeling numb, sleepy, maybe even bored; feeling physically tired; wanting to crawl into your bed (or into a computer game, a TV show, a book, the internet...) and never come out; feeling like you're disappearing, like you're not fully real anymore; feeling like you're a powerless spectator; feeling wiped out and hopeless

Fawn response: seeking to conciliate others by doing them favours, anticipating their wishes, being "good" (=helpful, cheerful, competent, a good listener,...); being beyond reproach; keeping your 'difficult' feelings and opinions entirely out of a social interaction; "eliciting" (=encouraging the other person to talk about themselves at length so the conversation turns into a monologue that doesn't require you to participate or be open)

Fight response: seeing red, feeling overwhelmed by anger, feeling a strong urge to do something, to "fight back", to destroy everything fragile you can lay your hands on

Flight response: a need to "do, do, do", a need to achieve something: jobs, errands, speed-cleaning, hyper-organizing one's house or project, increased need to exercize,...

Thank you so much for that SC i get the depersonalization, derealisation ones a lot.

Hi SC, Really appreciate you putting this list together and updating it as you've gotten feedback.  My vote is to keep it as it is  :applause:

This is a remarkable list. I truly believe this will be helpful to so many -- especially those of us who are new to discovering their CPTSD or who are in the process of discovering it. It brings such order and clarity to what can feel like such chaos.

Thanks.  :hug:  It's been very helpful for me. There are quite a few things that I never realized were all part of EFs until people pointed it out. Before that, I'd thought they were character flaws. So the EFs I have now have a lot less toxic shame attached to them. That makes it easier to start processing the old feelings that come up. It's weird when you go: "Oh look, I'm grieving! Happy day!" - but compared to EFs plus toxic shame, grieving feels great. There's something clean and whole about it, something honest.

This is awesome and it is very cool to see how the community built it.  I am just adding some main ones of mine.

I really, really go into self-hatred and debasement.  All or nothing thinking.  I become very quick to anger and will go into a rage.

Physically, I cannot stand to be touched and really don't even like to be talked to.  I can't stand looking anyone close to me in the eye.  I believe that is a shame thing.  When I am touched, it feels like I have sunburn.  Someone else touching me is very irritating and I will avoid it.

I dissociate.  I stare.

I thought it was just depression until I started reading all this stuff.  I used to get it so bad I would have to stay in the bed.

Hi hugo,
Thank you for sharing. I'm just wondering if you have any support or see a therapist to help you through.?
:hug:

Hi Hugo, thanks for your input. I incorporated it into the list. I hadn't thought of touch aversion yet, it was a very good point. I get that too, a lot. Some of it is just generalized, but I observed that it always gets a lot more acute while I'm having a flashback, or shortly afterwards.

QuoteI thought it was just depression until I started reading all this stuff.

You see, the thing is, this is just a collection of symptoms. Some items on the list probably are signs of other things too, like stress or depression or anxiety. But EFs seem to come in so many shapes and sizes, with so many different sets of symptoms, I'd thought it best to leave it to each of us to decide what exactly those list items are symptoms of. I say that just to be on the safe side. Sorry if you already knew that. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised anymore if it turned out that a depression might be a symptom of EFs.

Glad to hear things are better for you now than they used to be.  :hug:

Excellent thread everyone!  As we have reached our 5 page limit I am going to lock this one and "Sticky" it so that's it's at the top of this forum for easier reference. 

Please feel free to start a new thread on the topic  :thumbup: