So, I've been having a very strange reaction to a lot of the things that I've been reading on this forum - it starts with an immediate stomach ache, and the more I follow that I realize that I'm having a fear/panic reaction and generally figure that it's time for me to stop reading.
While I've never really participated on a forum with others who have experienced what I have, I have read a LOT about the effects of abuse, and have written even more in my own journal.
I don't exactly understand my current reaction except that I think that I am connecting to my experiences in a way that I have not previously. I have a history of dissociation/numbness. I used to talk about things in a very intellectualized, textbook manner...until the horrified looks on other people's faces when I talked about things started causing me to feel incredibly uncomfortable because *I* couldn't feel anything...so I quit talking about it.
I have had little hints here and there that I've started connecting with this stuff again. I've begun talking about some of it with friends, and with my therapist, and noticed a *little* emotion...but this stuff...mmm, it's a very uncomfortable emotional reaction.
I don't want to let myself run away from this stuff though. I don't want it to trigger me into even MORE escapist activities or just have to give up educating myself all together, or trying to work through this stuff.
Looks like the emotional reconnection means that when I think about this stuff, when I see something like, for instance...the descriptions of Fawn/Freeze that I was reading this morning which describe me to a T - and how that relates to my past experiences... I don't know, the only way I can describe it is "not safe" feeling.
I am not fond of emotions to begin with. I've been forcing myself for the last few years to allow myself to have them, because I know they're necessary to being whole, but in general...I'm still not happy about this process. Does not like.
Any suggestions? Anyone else have similar experiences when trying to self-educate about this stuff?
:stars:
Hmmm... a little bit similar. Reading about PTSD, depression, etc always felt more detached and aloof than this. It sometimes felt like it was simply one more topic I was researching for some translation job.
This, here, isn't a theory. These are real people telling their stories, and again and again, those stories sound like mine. It's happened to others. It's real. It was real all along. All of it. The Freezing, the Fawning... the somatic symptoms, the need to drink huge amounts of water after an EF... from the big picture down to little details, again and again, there's this sudden jolt of recognition. And that's what's making this all real. It happened to annegirl and rain and kizzie and keepfighting and badmemories and globetrotter and all the others, and I cannot validate their stories while still discounting my own. Not being in denial takes some getting used to.
I have it easier than you guys, though. When I'm overwhelmed, I just freeze and get lethargic, and I want to hide. Also, I get itchy everywhere. Once I start to work out what past memory's caused my EF, I mainly just get really p*ssed off. It feels great. All these years, and even when I knew I had PTSD, I never allowed myself to get angry. Real, proper anger is incredibly empowering. There's something clean and whole in it. It's not about hatred or bitterness at all.
Sooo... what to do, what to do. Healing&Feeling uses up energy. Logical conclusion: recharge batteries. How? Problematic. If I had surefire way of doing that, I wouldn't have spent the past 14 years feeling drained and burnt out. But it'll probably be along the lines of healthy lifestyle + decluttering my flat + re-watching Due South after ranting to dh about my FOO. Maybe I should make sure that, whenever I've been here, I've got 20-30 minutes' time to write about whatever feelings have come up.
But it's good to hear that I'm not alone. I hope the wind is going to be at your back, spryte and rain.
Rain - we are very similar, with the intellectualizing. I think that's why this stuff is coming up now. I've opened myself up to the actual emotions...and well, I'm getting what I asked for.
Titration first. I am going to have to take this in small bites which is SO HARD FOR ME. It's stuff that is interesting to me as well as being personal, it's what I would choose to spend my free time reading about, even if I didn't have issues. So, it's hard for me to say, ok...we can only read a little of this at a time. Also...I am so impatient to just...dive in and drag this stuff out into the light and get through it. I am so anxious to move on with my life. I know. Believe me, I've been meditating on patience.
schrödinger's cat - or, um...exactly similiar, lol. That's exactly kind of what I've determined is going on. It's this forum. I can read articles all day, but hearing people reflect back to me my own experiences...it's...intense.
(what's an EF?)
I get lethargic and tired too!!! The stomach ache is new - also with tightening in my throat. But - and now that I understand it better from reading the Freezing stuff...that's the stage that I've been stuck in for YEARS. I just...shut down when I'm overwhelmed. I too have been tapping into my anger in little bits and pieces here and there, and been finding it amazingly motivating...but just small amounts here and there. I have a lot of issues with feeling anger.
I need to create some grounding rituals. I'm looking into some prayer beads, which I can use to repeat an "I am safe" mantra. They're also made out of a gemstone that is supposed to be very grounding. I just need something to get me out of my head, and back in the Real World. Writing time is a good idea too. I think I'm going to have to set up some specific time/way to spend time here rather than just devour the info like I really want to.
Thanks guys. I'm really glad I found this place. I have been wanting to work side by side with actual people who are working through their "stuff" for a really really long time now.
:yourock:
EF = Emotional Flashback
Kizzie posted Pete Walker's 13 steps to managing EFs somewhere on this forum.
Maybe they'll help with the anxiety attacks as well? Worth a try!
Here's a link to Pete Walkers own website (steps to manage EFs included):
http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
FWIW, spryte, I think you're very brave for taking on your fears! Kudos to you!
QuoteIt's stuff that is interesting to me as well as being personal, it's what I would choose to spend my free time reading about, even if I didn't have issues. So, it's hard for me to say, ok...we can only read a little of this at a time. Also...I am so impatient to just...dive in and drag this stuff out into the light and get through it. I am so anxious to move on with my life.
Ha, same here. But that's a healthy response, I think. Maybe one we have to steer a little so we don't get overwhelmed, but still - it's just simple common sense, isn't it? For me, it was such a relief when all the puzzle pieces started to click together, I just wanted to get everything done at once. It felt like opening a really old house I'm fond of, but it's in disrepair and it has nests of mice. I mean, you'd just want to spring-clean it RIGHT NOW so it's a good place to be in as soon as possible.
Spryte, I do drive bys - cant take it all in.
I can feel sad, mad and glad but not in respect to the past.
It's a journey and it's peeling the onion - takes a while. It's alright to take bites and not eat the whole sammich.
Quote from: spryte on September 30, 2014, 02:40:43 PM
So, I've been having a very strange reaction to a lot of the things that I've been reading on this forum - it starts with an immediate stomach ache, and the more I follow that I realize that I'm having a fear/panic reaction and generally figure that it's time for me to stop reading.
While I've never really participated on a forum with others who have experienced what I have, I have read a LOT about the effects of abuse, and have written even more in my own journal.
I don't exactly understand my current reaction except that I think that I am connecting to my experiences in a way that I have not previously. I have a history of dissociation/numbness. I used to talk about things in a very intellectualized, textbook manner...until the horrified looks on other people's faces when I talked about things started causing me to feel incredibly uncomfortable because *I* couldn't feel anything...so I quit talking about it.
I have had little hints here and there that I've started connecting with this stuff again. I've begun talking about some of it with friends, and with my therapist, and noticed a *little* emotion...but this stuff...mmm, it's a very uncomfortable emotional reaction.
I don't want to let myself run away from this stuff though. I don't want it to trigger me into even MORE escapist activities or just have to give up educating myself all together, or trying to work through this stuff.
Looks like the emotional reconnection means that when I think about this stuff, when I see something like, for instance...the descriptions of Fawn/Freeze that I was reading this morning which describe me to a T - and how that relates to my past experiences... I don't know, the only way I can describe it is "not safe" feeling.
I am not fond of emotions to begin with. I've been forcing myself for the last few years to allow myself to have them, because I know they're necessary to being whole, but in general...I'm still not happy about this process. Does not like.
Any suggestions? Anyone else have similar experiences when trying to self-educate about this stuff?
:stars:
Definitely Spryte - it's just a
lot to deal with and reading and posting here is bound to bring up a lot of emotion because you (we) can see ourselves through the experiences of others and it does become real rather than just words in a book. I had to go slowly through Walker's book, one chapter at a time and then put it down because it was such a vivid picture of all that I felt and was struggling with. So dial that up a few hundred times by coming here and posting, add in a smidge or two of knowing it's not ideal to numb oneself and that's a big old batch of discomfort and fear even.
I haven't been able to dissociate/numb as much these days (darn it) so when I get to that tipping point I push away from the computer, put down the books and take a few days off. I know I will come back so I'm not worried about running, I just consider it time to let things gel and for me to rest and recharge my batteries. It's self-care and as GT says, "It's alright to take bites and not eat the whole sammich."
Quote from: Kizzie on October 01, 2014, 01:35:49 PM
I haven't been able to dissociate/numb as much these days (darn it) so when I get to that tipping point I push away from the computer, put down the books and take a few days off. I know I will come back so I'm not worried about running, I just consider it time to let things gel and for me to rest and recharge my batteries. It's self-care and as GT says, "It's alright to take bites and not eat the whole sammich."
Ditto!
Just had to include this from Walker's book:
"Unless we speak up, the loneliness of our silence will imprison us forever.... Recovering from overwhelmingly painful childhoods is also so difficult because we want to avoid any further pain at all.... However, if we are ever to recover our real voice, we must sometimes invoke the energy of bravery. Bravery is, in my opinion, defined by fear. It is taking the right action despite being afraid. It is not brave to do things that are not scary.... Anger work can help you with this enormously. With a strong enough intention you can begin by occasionally invoking the kind of courage that involves feeling fear and doing it anyway. You can nudge yourself to do it to rescue your inner child from the loneliness of never being seen or heard. Moreover, when we embrace this practice we will eventually learn that fear does not have to be disabling. We can be afraid and still act powerfully. We can refuse never speaking up, never having our say, never stating a preference, and never saying "no" to set a boundary. With enough practice, therapeutic flashbacks not only diminish but begin to be replaced by a healthy sense of pride in ourselves for our courageous self-championing. More and more we are rewarded with feelings of safe belonging in the world" (pp. 77-78).
Spryte - you are B R A V E :thumbup:
Quote from: Kizzie on October 01, 2014, 01:56:53 PM
Spryte - you are B R A V E :thumbup:
Spryte IS Brave!!
You guys rock, seriously!
Kizzie - I loved the excerpt. Thanks for sharing it. "It is not brave to do things that are not scary...." I love that.
I talked to my therapist about it Tues. Was actually freaking out pretty bad on Tues. All very new stuff to me, but I get it. It is definitely the intensity of interacting with other people in regards to this stuff. It's easy for me to intellectualize a book. "Oh, that's interesting." But, when I resonate with so many people's experiences...it's very different. And, I also noticed more strongly the pattern that I've had in the past of only ever being able to walk up to the edge of all this "stuff" before deciding subconsciously that I needed to be doing anything else other than this and numbing/distracting. I'm not really allowing myself to do that this time so I guess this was what was on the other side of that. It's ok. It's what I wanted. What I needed. I'll find my balance with it.
Also...speaking of physical manifestations of all of this...any of you ever find yourself getting "sick" when having breakthroughs? Rain, I know you mentioned throwing up, and I talked about the nausea, but after my T apt on Tues, by the time I drove home, I had a fever out of no-where. Just a fever, no other "flu-like" symptoms. Yesterday was feverish on and off and today I'm fine. Super weird.
...I hardly know whether to commiserate or congratulate you... Hm, both? Reading this was comforting to me today, because I had something a little similar. It felt like such a relief to hear that someone else is going through this, too.
I had a "mild flashback" that was only mild while I was still going "la la la, nothing happened, moving on right now", but when I braced myself and sat down to write about what had triggered me: WHAMMO, I felt physically sick and nauseated AT ONCE. It was weird, as if someone had flipped a switch. It felt like throwing up: Having all these toxins within you and feeling vaguely sick, and then suddenly everything comes back up and it feels so unpleasant... but at least there's hope that a part of what bothered me is in the toilet now.
Uh. I hope you weren't eating while you read this. If you were: ...sorry?
Anyway, I'm rooting for you, and wishing that the wind is at your back in this.
Thanks. I think that's the nature of a lot of this stuff. Um...congrats for walking through the super sucky fire to get to the other side??? lol.
That's kind of what I'm hoping. With all the physical health stuff that I've had going on, it's hard to say. SOMETHING was being burned out, whether it was physical, or emotional...and at this point, I really think it's impossible to separate them.
What I found interesting was this....
I mentioned to my T about the nausea, and she said that she didn't find it surprising and that maybe I had some...I can't remember exactly how she put it as I was kind of freaking out the entire session, but something about how I might have something from my past connected to that particular thing...like maybe I was nauseous when it happened? Or nauseous when I was feeling "not safe" as I think that was how I put the feelings that I was having.
At the time, I thought that if I did, I didn't remember it. But, on my way home, a very distinct memory came up, not a "recovered" memory, it's one that I've thought of before but maybe never really connected to emotionally...about a time when I was sick and my mom refused to get out of bed to "take care of me". It's a pretty intense memory that I am heavily getting the feeling needs to be processed better with this new "connection". I extrapolate that if I was nauseous and throwing up that night, perhaps I also had a fever? (I can't remember the entire thing clearly) I don't know. *shrug* It's all very interesting, and that was the weirdest "being sick" that I've had in a long while. With all my health problems, I rarely ever get actually sick.
And, like you...I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I hope like you do that it's something that processed it's way out and is done with. I can handle this stuff a lot better if I can think...ok, if I feel it, experience it, I can let it go...it'll be done. I am very motivated to heal, as it seems we all are and I'm rooting for all of you too!
:waveline:
Rain - I am so deeply deeply sorry that any of us have to go through this. You have obviously had a very difficult time with this. ( I mean, we all have, but...well, I'm just sorry) Dealing with all this crap isn't something that I'd ever wish on my worst enemy. Well...that's not exactly true...cause I'd sure like to see my mother have to go through this. I think it's really unfair that victims of abuse basically have to be revictimized in order to get better. It sure seems sometimes like being kicked while we're down.
:bighug:
I'm using an "accept and embrace" method that works in some situations and I guess I need to start employing it much more in these triggering moments...getting used to using it in panic moments. Maybe it'll be useful to someone else.
It's kind of just a mindfulness thing. Taking a deep breath, bringing myself fully into the moment - taking a quick "inventory" of what's going on in my body...the emotions, the physical feelings and just...accepting them. I know that sounds vague but there's an actual "feeling" of acceptance, and in my head it's like..."Ok. This is how things are right this second. Nothing I can do about it other than just...be ok with whatever it is."
This helps me get out of my head about it. Often, my anxiety is exacerbated by bouncing off the walls of my head with "What's going on? Why is this happening?" and then trying to analyze the crap out of whatever it is, never really coming up with an answer, and therefore upsetting myself more. I started doing this because of physical stuff, my health over the last year or so has been causing me a great deal of anxiety - which actually looks a lot like the same response to this emotional stuff...wanting to "get away from it" wanting to "escape" painful physical feelings, so...the anxiety feels like being "trapped" with whatever is going on.
The embracing part - embracing that this is my experience "right now", being compassionate with the experience rather than judging myself for it - since it's a lot of physical stuff, - like...sending my body messages of "It's ok. Whatever you are going through is ok."
I find that it calms me immediately, and whatever I am dealing with either passes pretty quickly, or just becomes not of immediate concern anymore. Not sure if I explained it well enough to be helpful to anyone else. I haven't tried to put that into exact words before.
Quote from: spryte on October 02, 2014, 01:53:30 PM
I'm using an "accept and embrace" method that works in some situations ...Taking a deep breath, bringing myself fully into the moment - taking a quick "inventory" of what's going on in my body...the emotions, the physical feelings and just...accepting them. "Ok. This is how things are right this second. Nothing I can do about it other than just...be ok with whatever it is."
This helps me get out of my head about it. Often, my anxiety is exacerbated by bouncing off the walls of my head with "What's going on? Why is this happening?" and then trying to analyze the crap out of whatever it is, never really coming up with an answer, and therefore upsetting myself more. ...the anxiety feels like being "trapped" with whatever is going on.
The embracing part - embracing that this is my experience "right now", being compassionate with the experience rather than judging myself for it - since it's a lot of physical stuff, - like...sending my body messages of "It's ok. Whatever you are going through is ok."
I find that it calms me immediately... .
Works for me, too. I gave it a shot because I read something along those lines in a book on mindfulness. To be honest, I tried it out because it seemed so very bonkers. You'd expect pain to get worse if you focus on it, not better.
The panic, the confusion, the sense of being trapped - yes, that's exactly it. That's what it's like for me. It's the same thing I felt back then, when it all happened. I remember things a little more clearly now than I did a few weeks ago. It wasn't just the traumatizing incidents that confused me - it was the very fact that they felt so terrible, that my reaction to them was so strong, that it all felt so overwhelming and hideous and unfamiliar, that this was nothing I had ever heard of before, nothing anyone could help me with.
So I'm now thinking: a part of this confusion / fear / unwillingness to focus on our pain could be a part of our flashback. And calming oursselves down in the here and now helps us resolve all that. I had the sense that some decades-old tension and panic had been resolved: as if a teenaged or child part of me went "oh... so this is normal? I'm okay? I'm not doing something wrong here?"
Now that I read your post, though, I was thinking... hey, isn't that the same thing we must have felt back then? I remember some of my reactions to the initial trauma. And that
definitely was there at the time.
EDITED TO ADD: sorry for initially leaving the last sentence unfinished. Dd climbed onto my lap and started rejoicing over the many, many lovely smileys at the top of the reply window. She just loves those smileys. I must have hit the send button by mistake.
Reading this thread has helped me a lot and I want to say thank you for sharing your experiences.
:bighug: :yourock:
I feel like I am struggling to get a handle on what feels like a tight wound up ball of emotional turmoil that just takes over and not being able to connect it to anything, except it started after starting counseling. The posts on this forum are so helpful including the one on EF, that I am also having a hard time with. I believe my emotional turmoil is connected to EF, but I have not gotten far enough to decipher them to events (there are so many to pick from :aaauuugh: and stowed away so long it is just one big mess). Anyway, just to say thank you!!!!!!
:udaman: - all of you
:yeahthat:
Rain - that's exactly it. The things that our parents didn't teach us about emotional regulation, and self-soothing. And in many cases, like mine, they didn't just NOT teach it, they actually taught us how to handle emotions in direct opposition to that. I got told a lot..."stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." *? Really? How else was I supposed to handle that as a child (one with my particular temperment) other than to learn how to just...shut down? Feelings are not OK? Ok. I just won't have any. Blarg.
Cat - I'm going to make an assumption here from the way that you write, that you and I are similar in that one of our coping mechanisms has been to "intellectualize" things. Because that's true for me, I can't have an emotional or physical reaction to anything without going into "super computer analytical mode" (which includes research) in order to "figure it out". Of course, there are walls to run into with that. Often, we are wrong. Often, we can't take into account all of the interactions that are going on which are creating a particular thing. And for other things, we simply can't KNOW what it is...especially the unconscious emotional stuff. So for me, at some point, the anxiety about just NOT KNOWING and not being able to FIGURE IT OUT and make it stop started creating so much more suffering for me. That was about the time that I started using that technique...when I'd just had it with chasing my tail and needed to find some relief from the panic because it was obvious that it wasn't changing any time soon. And, doing that with the physical health stuff served me well when I came here and started having those weird emotional and physical reactions that I couldn't explain.
I have a hard time with this also...for me I just sleep! in a 24 hour period I slept 13 hours today. Right now I am not doing very well...but everyday I am reading something. I think I am busting through the denial stage.
Physically i don't have a appetite, I am smoking to many cigarettes, I slept 14 hours in the last 24 and I am getting diarrhea. these are all physical symptoms that I get when I am stressed out.
As You all can see some days I don't post but everyday I DO read everything on here daily. I also try and read OOTF daily although I can't read everything everyday there.
I am also reading 2 books on abuse...
I guess I knew this was not going to be easy. It is not but I am determined to "keep on keeping on." I can not suffer as I have by NOT working on this! So suffering to get out is the best of two pains! :party:
Spryte, when you mentioned how unpleasant and unsettling it was to NOT have an answer, that sounded so hideous that I was relieved to hear you found something that helps with that. (I hope you can parse this sentence? It's not the best English I've ever written. :doh:) We have a phrase in my language - "the power of despair" - that describes why people are sometimes able to do very difficult things (like, "the drowning woman seized the life-raft with the power of despair"). It sounds like you used this to help yourself.
Quote from: spryte on October 03, 2014, 01:10:23 AMCat - I'm going to make an assumption here from the way that you write, that you and I are similar in that one of our coping mechanisms has been to "intellectualize" things.
Absolutely. It's a bit of a hindrance now, because I intellectualize things so I don't have to feel any pain. But essentially, it's a coping skill that's served me well. I just have to steer it now so I don't do it in an escapist way. I'm starting to teach myself that it's okay to NOT have the answer, to still be in shock, to NOT be super-competent about things. My FOO reacts very impatiently if I show myself to be vulnerable, or weak, or if I admit to a problem that I haven't yet solved. It's like we must always be strong, we must always be seen as competent, we must never be baffled or at a loss as to what to do. So it's a reflex by now: if I'm having a problem, I come up with a theory, a way of coping, a joke, and/or a silver lining - anything - so I don't have to face just how very * this problem is.
And it's exactly as you say: IF for some reason that doesn't work, I'm practically bouncing off the walls in panic. 'GAAAH I must find an explanation, I must overcome this, I must make sure I won't be weak and vulnerable in this!' - But it's okay to be weak now. I'm LC with my FOO now, I'm protecting myself from their reactions.
That went on my "list of things to fix". It's absurd, this list - "1) learn to have feelings, 2) learn to be myself, 3) learn how to have problems..."
It's all part and parcel of letting the real be real. Finding out what's really real about myself (vs what my FOO taught me ought to be real). Learning to see what's really real within me - my real feelings, my real traumatic injuries, my real reactions to present-day events. And learning what's really real in the here and now: yes, this feels unsettling and horrible, but it's okay to feel unsettled, this is an EF, this is about something real that happened long ago, this will pass, just treat it like a head cold or a bout of malaria...
QuoteI guess I knew this was not going to be easy. It is not but I am determined to "keep on keeping on." I can not suffer as I have by NOT working on this! So suffering to get out is the best of two pains!
Absolutely. I'm sorry to hear that you were poorly, badmemories, and I'm hoping that things will become easier for you soon. Hang in there. :waveline:
Quote from: spryte on October 03, 2014, 01:10:23 AM
I got told a lot..."stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." *? Really?
It is full out, disgusting emotional abuse, spryte. Ugly. Gee, spryte, I wonder why on earth you might have issues with crying.... BPD mothering STINKS!
Quote from: Badmemories on October 03, 2014, 02:19:40 AM
So suffering to get out is the best of two pains!
Great point, badmemories. It does hurt to recover. A little bit each day....we will all get there.
13 to 14 hours of sleep, friend? I am concerned about you. Not to mention diet, cigarettes. Well, PD? husband.... :sadno:
:hug:
Bad Memories -
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, but you're right...sometimes all we can do is just choose the better of two pains, the one that will...in the end, lead to the best outcome for us. I was thinking, maybe you could try to do just one thing for yourself that might be nurturing and healthful? Maybe a healthy smoothie powder drink? Some super super easy, that would feed your body something healthy. But, you know...if you can't manage that right now...that's fine too. You're nurturing yourself and doing a LOT by doing some reading every day. I swear I've had days where the most nurturing thing I did for myself was breathe. Facing things is nurturing, and if everything else has to fall away for a while...well, then it just does. Don't be hard on yourself about it. If it goes on for too long, reach out for help.
Cat -
Haha, I loved your list. It is ridiculous. Just the other day I was writing and thinking, "How ridiculous is it that I have to work so hard to learn how to like...be a human, be in the world?? I was in the world before, with great success...but I certainly wasn't a feeling human.
I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.
I am desperate for truth right now. I just want to smash all of the false truths that were installed on my hard-drive, all the false programs that lead no-where. Right now though, I'm seeing how far I've come with all of it, and that's making this process a bit easier.
Rain - thanks...yeah, she doesn't get any mother of the year awards, that's for sure.
Quote from: spryte on October 03, 2014, 12:15:10 PM
I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.
Wow Spryte, you captured the exact way I was feeling when I bottomed out earlier this year - I was absolutely worn to the nub and everything collapsed. It made me think that if I (we) have to expend that amount of energy holding things together, intellectualizing, shielding, repressing, dissociating etc., then we have a
lot of potential psychic energy that we
can give over to healing. E.g., As we learn to defuel the ICr, that energy becomes available for self-protection and -compassion.
I don't think this is particularly profound lol, but your post helped me to visualize a big box of psychic energy or power into which I can dip and use it in positive or negative ways. Tks :thumbup:
Kizzie - you're welcome! I'm glad it was helpful.
For many years now I've had an entire host of "health problems" that have plagued me. One of them is just this...bone deep exhaustion. I have been terrified for a long time that there was something seriously wrong with me. Of course, I go to doctors and they tell me that I'm fine. I've been sucked into several health care vitamin and supplement protocols trying to fix what I was sure was some kind of nutritional imbalance that no one could detect, or they weren't giving me the right tests for.
I do have some actual problems, stomach and digestion issues, food intolerances...
When I talk to my therapist about all of the anxiety, the holding myself together, the monitoring...all of that...the first things she's said to me is...that must be exhausting.
The more of this I clear out though, and the more I understand...I can feel the exhaustion lifting.
Because of the health stuff, I've had to do a lot of "energy management" in my life, can't do too much, can't be too social, can't get too stressed...all of my energy has been going to the wrong places.
Bone deep exhaustion Yes, yes and yes.
I have to limit what I do and have a bunch of health related issues too, the latest of which is acid reflux - how lovely :pissed:
Same here, just without the acid reflux. I've got a histamine intolerance instead. Always monitoring how much energy I'm expending is emotionally tiring. It's a bit like being skint. It's okay, I can deal, but it's sad to look back at the last fifteen or so years. I didn't achieve much. I just had CPTSD. I was so very burnt out for years, and I'm still clawing my way back from that.
Ah well. Here's to hoping that things will get better for all of us here.
What is being "skint" Cat? I'm not familiar with that term and I think you've used it elsewhere.
Lacking money? ... It's British English (I looked it up just now). Looking up synonyms.. broke! That's it. I knew there was some better word that I just couldn't remember at the moment. Sorry about that.
OK, I get it now - the emotional bank is empty.
Yes. My savings were spent dealing with disasters, and to boot, I've now got a standing order to withdraw 40 to 80% of my earnings straight to CPTSD.
Hi BeHea1thy, I'm smiling for you and for me. Isn't it weird having tears come down and you feel nothing at all? Surprised there are even tears in the first place. Emotional numbing. The emotions are still in the body ...and tears leak out. Yes, there is a lot of validation to find from others experiences that match with yours. You are not alone.
And yes, it WILL get better. My tears come, and I feel. I can feel. Emotions ...a blessed full range and depth of them.
What people take for granted, and it is a celebration for us. :yes:
How are you now on this, BeHea1thy? :hug:
Well, the great news 2 months ago is that you were able to cry. The less than great news was the reason why! :sadno:
Wow, BeHea1thy ...3 days ago you had surgery, and for a day and a half the anger poured out ...hmmmm, then you watched a lot of Netflix?? Okay. My week and your week have been quite different. :blink:
hmmm. Well, my original question was whether you had healed from emotional numbness. I guess you have recovered. Tears, anger, watching Netflix (a new category of emotions as in emotional escape).
So, you are tackling recovering from CPTSD and skin cancer at the same time? Okay. I see why your name is BeHea1thy.
Spryte wrote.
I think my "power of despair" comes from being absolutely worn to the nub by all my escape tricks, all my chasing my tail and bouncing off my own walls, all the holding myself together, all the monitoring of my behavior and thoughts to make sure that they're the "right" ones...I absolutely exhaust myself until I can't hold any of that up any longer, and it's only when it falls that I am able to see the Truth - how much effort I was putting into it in the first place.
I am desperate for truth right now. I just want to smash all of the false truths that were installed on my hard-drive, all the false programs that lead no-where. Right now though, I'm seeing how far I've come with all of it, and that's making this process a bit easier.
I am still learning so Much.. I guess it is baby steps right now. for example I can't see the EF's as they come but I have been able to analyze and figure some of them out afterwards. I still live with NPDH so when I am around him I still remain diligent! I can see the physical things easier. My arthritis flares up and I am in more pain when I have flashbacks! I do get upset stomach when I get flashbacks. Sometimes I get headaches. I am long over menopause, but sometimes I get the sweats, and sometimes I get cold. Last week when I was back paddling I was so cold and couldn't get warm. I had to quit reading the abuse books for now! All these memories keep coming up... and I am dealing with them. I have been trying everyday to ask My inner child what she would like to do almost everyday. I have been spending time with Paint on Microsoft. She likes to do that! I bought a good Yo-yo at a rummage sale and IC likes doing that too! So I have been doing that! lol.
So much to do and think about... but like I say Keep on keeping on!
That's great that you're seeing progress BadMemories :applause: The yo-yo and Paint sound like fun!
I was interested to read that your arthritis flares up when you have EFs - I've been noticing mine gets worse some days although I always thought it was more weather related so will track that see if mood/emotions contribute.
The physical responses to this stuff really fascinates me. I have noticed recently that the nausea feeling in my stomach has actually moved up into my throat. I'll be reading stuff, and realize that my throat really HURTS. It's like the tight throat feeling you get when you're trying not to cry...but I don't have any other feelings of wanting to cry. Couldn't even if I wanted to. It's like it's "stuck" in my throat. I'm kind of curious about where that's going to lead and I've thought about trying to find someone who does energy work of some kind to help me work on that area.
Doing stuff with your inner kid sounds like fun. There are things that I like doing that I never really associated with my inner kid, like coloring and playing in puddles. My IK has been wanting galoshes for the longest time and we're supposed to have a rainy cold winter here. I think it's time I buy her some. ;D
There is so much, and it is such a long slow road. And sometimes we fall down but as long as we keep getting up, that's all that matters!