How many Inner Critics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb ran away.
:rofl: That is so funny Rain!!
Rain :rofl: :yourock:
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, so long as the lightbulb 'wants' to change.
:rofl:
:waveline:
:udaman: Braveheart!
You guys make me smile seeing all those little emoticons doing all of those things. Rain, it was a great idea to start with 'Jokes'. :party:
Say, what music do they play at an Inner Critic party? :cake:
"My Guitar Is Out of Tune"
"The Last Train Is the One You Should Be On"
"Hate, Hate Me Do"
and their favorite, "You Really Drive Me Over the Edge ...Be Bop, Be Bop"
:udaman:
RAIN :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: :phoot: :rofl: RAIN
:udaman:
If I lose my car key, I never look for it. I wait for it to find itself.
(...does that joke work? I'm crap at jokes.)
Love this thread!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:party:
Yes Cat, :yes:
:thumbup: :rofl: :waveline:
Yesterday, my girlfriend and I were chatting on the phone about my first date with Chuck on Saturday night.
Shirley said, "How did your very first date with Chuck go? I know you've reallllly been looking forward to it."
"Great, I guess." I said, "He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and asked if we could go back to the same restaurant again this coming Saturday, when we said goodbye outside."
Shirley squealed with delight, and said, "So, how did the actual dinner date go?"
I said, "I don't know, as usual ...but hey, we ARE going out again!!!!!! Yippeee!!!!!!"
She said, "ohhhhh nooo.... not another 'Missing First Date Amnesia"'!!!! Not again!!"
"Yes ...you got it right, Shirley. The last thing I remember at the start of the date is Chuck asking about my childhood!!!"
Rain, that's funny. :udaman: :cheer: :rofl: :thumbup:
Sounds like many of my sessions!!!
:bighug:
If your narrator were as hypervigilant as I am sometimes, she might ask her friend: "I know how you are... but can you tell me how I'm doing?"
:bighug:
Not sure whether it's a quote or a joke:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder --- one of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and every one else is treated. (Unknown)
So good Keep Fighting! :thumbup: (ironic and unfortunately so true lol)
What do pigs use when they get ill?
Oinkment!
Not sure if this joke translates well, but here goes.
Says the doctor to the narcissist: "You broke both your legs? How on earth did that happen?"
"I climbed on top of my ego, and then I flung myself down onto my standards."
The horizon is that place where the earth meets the sky. A wee sparrow with a lump on his head told me.
My dog has no tail.
Then how can you tell when he's happy?
He stops biting me.
Can anyone else relate to this? ;D
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
What's red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
What's brown and sticky???
A stick
What's green and has wheels.
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Right! In order to check if I have any talent for jokes, here's one I came up with today (by looking at a map of the Pacific: don't ask me why!)
It's more a riddle:
What are the United States Unorganized Territories more commonly known as?
( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Territories_of_the_United_States#Unincorporated_unorganized_territories )
Drumroll....
Anarchypelago's
Ba Boom Tsjjj...
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on September 29, 2014, 03:08:59 PM
If your narrator were as hypervigilant as I am sometimes, she might ask her friend: "I know how you are... but can you tell me how I'm doing?"
I am going to actually start saying that. I really am. ;D
Okay, love this one but the guys may not appreciate it so much:
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there. ;D
I have a 50 year old child so this joke is perfect!
Hope everyone has a good and safe weekend!
DaisyMae :bigwink:
Here are some bad puns: (my family and I make up really bad puns almost trying to have a friendly competition for the corniest joke! So here are some of mine along with some other jokes!)
If sharks are made of cartilidge and noses are made of cartilidge then sharks must be giant, angrily swimming noses.
What did the astronaut say as he approached the black hole?
"Well this sucks."
Roses are red,
Violets AREN'T blue,
I have no idea what I'm doing,
And neither do you.
What do you call it when a group of students are standing in the middle of corn and one of them falls over?
A field trip.
What did the juice say to the ocean?
"Hi-Sea!"
Bae: Hey...
Me: hmmm?
Bae: if Scar had a repair shop his slogan would be:"be repaired!"
(Credit to my boyfriend)
If I think of more then I'll add them! :3
Woman in America sees Donald Trump in a tub of butter:
https://twitter.com/ArchieDaRival/status/636096342444544000/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
:rofl:
This is actually a commercial (not so obvious until the credits roll), but I thought it's funny nonetheless:
(I trust that since I post this for it's humorist content it's not a breach of site policy on advertisement. For all I care people will be put off by the product-placement ;D )
Suffering from Irrational Disbelief Syndrome
https://vimeo.com/5682716
From the same 'series', this one is quite funny too
https://vimeo.com/5628375
(I actually 'found' this through a program on National Television I saw yesterday evening, in which a guy (psychiatrist, philosopher and Professor in Psychiatry) had a whole evening (3 hours) to show clips of programs and movies to tell about his life, work and worldview, and was interviewed between the clips. The first commercial was in there as well, as a fragment of choice by him. There's also a movie of choice following the program. In this case it was "Apocalypse Now".)
Thank you! A great start to the week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79yDMxvLOqU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79yDMxvLOqU)
This is HYSTERICAL! This is what some people apparently thought they heard while listening to Disney songs! WARNING: some cursing and inappropriate themes. Apparently people have odd imaginations....
I'll give you the clean ones that are uber hysterical!
Circle of Life (Lion King)
Real Lyrics: (in Swahili)
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
What people thought they heard:Nah! It's in pain, yeah!
Mama the chihuahua!
Such a ghoul!
When you're a mom.
When you're a mom.
I'll Make A Man Out Of You (Mulan)
Real Lyrics:Be a man!
You must be swift as the coursing river!
Be a man!
With all the force of great typhoon!
Be a man!
What people thought they heard:Leave a man!
You must be swift as the coursing river!
Leave a man!
With all the force of great Thai food!
Leave a man!
Savages (Pocahontas)
(This song is talking about how both sides see the other as savages. So yeah the original lyrics aren't the nicest but the misheard lyrics crack me up! Because of this mishearing of lyrics I can no longer take the song seriously and just burst out laughing.)
Real lyrics:They're savages! Savages!
Barely even human!
Savages, savages!
Drive them from our shore!
What people thought they heard:They're sammiches! Sammiches!
Barely even human!
Sammiches, sammiches!
Drive them from our shore!
(Everyone run! The sammiches have arrived! lol)
Be Our Guest (Beauty & The Beast)
Real Lyrics:With your meal, with your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
While the candlelight's still glowing
Let us help you,
We'll keep going
Course by course...
What people thought they heard:Lick your beer!
Lick your ears!
Yes, indeed, we ate the police!
While the candlelight's still glowing...
Let us help you milk meat bologna!
Horse pie course...
(I laughed so hard that I almost fell over!)
I See The Light (Tangled)
Real Lyrics:Standing here,
It's oh so clear,
I'm where I'm meant to be!
What people thought they heard:Standing here,
It's oh so clear,
I'm where I'm meant to pee!
Circle of Life (Lion King)
Real lyrics: (Again, they are in Swahili)
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
What people thought they heard:Penguin, llama, penguin-Imma buy ya.
Penguin, llama, penguin-Imma buy ya.
Some more hysterically misheard lyrics because I am apparently easily amused.
Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap (AC/DC)
Real lyrics:Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.
What people thought they heard:Dirty deeds, done with sheep.
or
Dirty deeds, dungeon feet.
You're The One That I Want (Grease)
Real Lyrics:You better shape up,
'Cause I need a man...
What people thought they heard:You better shave Bob,
'Cause I need a pen...
Circle of Life (Lion King)
(yes, again)
What people thought they heard:PENNSYLVANIA!
lol still tryin to think of one
oh heck heres a couple local ones
Whats a hillbilly fortune cookie?
A biscuit with a food stamp in it!
whats a hillbilly credit card?
A 3 ft syphon hose!
I'm in great need of a laugh today, so I'm going to watch all 10 best Fawlty Towers moments that readers of the Guardian have piled up.
John Cleese should be put on a banknote, the guy is Brillant.
**trigger warning: Cleese plays a very unpleasant character. Sarcastic/black Humor**
http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2015/sep/24/readers-suggest-the-10-best-fawlty-towers-moments
Dogs race:
:rundog:
:rundog:
:rundog:
:rundog:
my money's on no. 3!
I think the hunt is on for a husband:
(https://www.cptsd.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdailylifestyle.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F08%2Fwed23.jpg&hash=94d03f4e3cbb39a0974f5b536f18318341a6d841)
what for? Lunch??
:rofl:
I think I'd run
***trigger warning: sarcasm***
Meditation for Narcissists (Satirical Only) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYAVPi_zlA)
OK, so this one is from my son
Where did the general hide his armies?
scroll for it....
more.....
In his sleavies!!!!
Always followed by, did ya get it? Did ya get it?
This made me laugh:
Am I a narcissist?
Step 1: Take a moment to think about yourself.
Step 2: If you made it to Step 2, you are not a narcissist.
OMG, that was so funny!
Today I read the headlines in the News-paper:
QuoteTrump says inner critics run by Democrats are more dangerous than war zones
I misread "inner cities" for "inner critics". :doh:
Made me chuckle. ;D
It does show what my focus is on these days. ;)
(The article itself doesn't matter, I haven't even read it, but I'll post it anyway: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/22/donald-trump-inner-city-crime-war-zone-hillary-clinton)
This is an attempt that may well be self-mockery (which I find funny to do at times)
"I suffer from an inverse Oedipus-complex: I want to divorce the mother/wife my father refuses to divorce from. (even when she already divorced him.)"
So one test tube says to another, "I think we've got some great chemistry going on between us."
Halloween theme joke:
Why didnt Dracula have any friends?
Cuz he was a pain the neck!
LOL, good one :witch: