Out of the Storm

12th January 2023
Here is my new journal for 2023.  It took me a few days to summon up courage to post a new Journal - and I recognise that this is because I am able to hear the various voices of my different parts and recognise that they have different viewpoints and feelings about things, and there was some resistance from parts of me about continuing to write about things here.

But - I am grateful for the fact that as a whole, I think my parts have reached consensus that it's a helpful and really supportive place to put things - and even though one part of me is highly resistive about it, I have managed to convince that part that it's going to be ok.

There is a part of me who wants to say that when I sent New Year greetings to people in the forum, I was able to find the majority of people via their journals, but I didn't get to wish Woodsgnome or Gromit a Happy New Year and I want to do that - but I feel a bit silly now for having taken so long - but incase they happen to pop by and read this entry, then they'll know that I was thinking of them, and part of me wasn't happy that I hadn't communicated that wish to them.  There are past members that I'd love to greet too, and this wish not to miss anyone out - it must be borne of trauma, because it feels an excessive need rather than one that is perhaps ....  can't find the word I want. 

I have given myself a bit of a rule that I won't delete anything, that I won't change what comes out on the page as I type this - so I hope to stick with that.

Over the past few weeks, I've wondered about whether I should delete many of the entries I made in this forum - because I've felt scared that I'll be recognised by FOO or even by friends.  But then I've thought, I've not been writing anything terrible.  I have been writing about my experiences and my thoughts and feelings about things, and therefore is that so terrible.  Haven't I got the right to express things, to try to work things out and understand things.  I've found a community where I feel accepted and where I feel understood.  I recognise I've been here for a few years now, and that it's a place that feels supportive - I feel like I need to be here, and want to be here. 

Sometimes I listen to a part of me that tells me that I shouldn't be here, that I don't need the support, and that I'll be ok if I dive off on my own - but honestly, I tell that part that it's ok to rely on support in life, it's ok.  Trying to negotiate through things alone - that's not so good.  Therefore having a supportive place to come and offload thoughts and feelings - but also get perspectives of others and support from others - that's so beneficial and helps so much.

Somehow I like the number 23 in this year's title - so I feel some optimism somehow.  I also feel optimism that I've been continuing to communicate with my parts, and that I now recognise that I can interact with them - and that I feel more things than I did previously.  That has been overwhelming at times and difficult to cope with, but it's been ok. 

Hope  :)

Im so glad you are here, Hope. I love getting messages of support from you. And I learn a lot reading your posts here.  :grouphug:

I wonder if it makes it feel better to know...I don't think anything you've written could be identified if a friend or FOO were to come here. I think you are safe.

i agree w/ armee, hope.  i'm very glad you are able to recognize the importance of help and relying on others for support, thoughts, and opinions.  just glad you're here.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope, I resonate with wondering if I still want to journal and be in community here on the forum too.  I appreciate your perspective that we can still seek and receive support here.  I am glad you are here.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you've found some courage in your New Year's Resolutions. I remember reading that people who have been through SA have a fear of being found out, or found by their perpetrators (I can't remember if I posted that before) but it sounds like it's quite common to feel the things you're feeling.

It is good to have support and wonder if it would be good for you to have even more support in "real" life in the form of a t? It always sounds like you have a lot to process on your own and I can imagine it's quite tough to do.

I think even if people have different opinions about things the forum should be a place where people speak respectfully to each other and honor one another's viewpoints even if it differs from their own, as well as their own viewpoint. Everyone here has the benefit of experience and what works for one doesn't work for all, but that doesn't mean that that person doesn't also have something to contribute. Not taking things personally is one of the trickiest things, well with the most longevity, I think I've had to tackle with CPTSD.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Armee - Thank you - I appreciated you saying that you didn't think that anything I've written in the forum is identifiable.  I know that parts of me still find that hard to believe though!  But I hear what you wrote, and it does help me.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - love and hugs to you too  :hug:

Hi Rainydiary - I am also glad that you are here, and thanks for sharing your perspective on writing in the community - it helps to hear someone else feels similar.  I'm glad we are both still writing here though!     :hug:

Hi Dollyvee - What you wrote has been very thought provoking for me, and thanks for that - when you wrote about reading that people who have been through SA have a fear of being found out, or found by their perpetrators - it lead me to seek out more information on u-tube and that was helpful to have done that.  I recognise that my wish to seek information goes in waves - I will avoid it sometimes, and then I will seek it - but I'm finding that I can cope better with reading things now and also process things better, as dissociating seems to happen a little less than it used to.

Dollyvee, it was also helpful to think about therapy - I could approach someone I've seen before, and I think that I'd be able to see that person if I needed to - BUT I feel like I'd need to 'fill her in' on TOO much!  Since I saw her, I've been delving into so many areas relating to trauma, and just feel like I'd be paying her to catch up - I realise this sounds quite narcissistic of me to say this - but honestly, I feel like I know a lot more than she does about it.  Actually, intersting to admit this here - I wouldn't normally say such a thing. 

I think that I don't really trust the therapy world enough to put myself in their hands. 

Dollyvee - thank you for your support, I do feel it  :hug:

*****************
14th January 2023
Just surprised myself by what I said about therapy.  But I won't delete it, as I am sticking with my rule not to self-edit what I write.  It makes sense though, I can't even bring myself to attend my GP for fear of what she'll think if I burst into tears infront of her - I can't guarantee which parts of me will be at the surface if and when I went for an appointment.  I'm just thankful that my medical niggles are no longer bothering me. 

Going to have a cup of tea now.

Hope  :)

hope, as a therapist, i just want you to know that i don't trust the therapy world, either.  been burned too many times.  thankfully i've finally found one who wants the best for me.  it's truly amazing.  but she was going to be my last try.  i don't think your thoughts about therapy and therapists are out of line at all.  like you said, you know so much about you and you're doing a bang-up job of taking care of you.

may i just say, sometimes we simply need a little help over a bump.  that's where a therapist could possibly help, w/o getting into all your backstory.  i've worked w/ clients in that manner, and it's still turned out well.  just a thought.

keep taking care, hope.  i think you're doing a wonderful job w/ you and your parts.  much love, many hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

  :grouphug:

Oh gosh do I relate to that exact fear about going to the GP. It's always very detached and impersonal but I still always think that's what is going to happen.

I agree with San. You are doing a good job taking care of you and your parts. Therapy will be there if you need help through something eventually. I can imagine how you feel about catch up, I feel overwhelmed by all I need to relay to my therapist just week to week.

Good job not deleting!!!

 :grouphug:

Hi Hope,

Congrats on not deleting and allowing you to say what you think  :cheer:

Part of the theraputic process is about building that bond of trust with your therapist so that you both can reflect together on the dynamics/relationship between you. For me, it's been helpful in seeing that things aren't always like I thought and, at other times, it's great validation for the things I'm doing. To me, there's lots of things that I bring to the sessions that my therapist doesn't "know," but she is supportive in the learning that I'm doing and how it impacts my life.

It did take going through a number of therapists before I found a good fit. Perhaps this therapist is not the one for you? Maybe it's not CBT you need but something else or someone more trauma informed if she's not. You have the right to interview people until you find what works for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

Just wanted to drop by to your new journal and say hello and send you a hug, Hope. :hug:

In your last post, you said:

QuoteI realise this sounds quite narcissistic of me to say this..

Not at all! You are the least narcissistic person I can think of, and what you said is the truth. There's nothing wrong with you saying what you did. :grouphug:

 :yeahthat:

Hi SanMagic, Not Alone, CactusFlower, Armee, Bach, Dollyvee & Snowdrop,
Thank you all  :grouphug:

************
9th February 2023
I have been reading a few 'lighter' books in recent weeks, but I have bought a book by Elaine Carney Gibson called 'Your Family Revealed: A Guide to Decoding the Patterns, Stories and Belief Systems in Your Family' - as I was impressed after hearing her talk on a podcast with Tami Simon about her work as a psychotherapist.  However, I feel some resistance to starting to read the book!!!  I'm wondering why that is, as I can delve into things sometimes, but somehow there's parts of me resisting starting this book.

I think I will start it on the weekend sometime.  I might write some notes on it.

Wondering what it is that's scaring parts of me about reading that book - I don't know.

Still trying to stimulate my vagus nerve with some of the exercises that Bach told me about - still trying some cold water in the shower before it warms up. 

I've started to wave at myself and smile every time I go in the bathroom now - look in the mirror and literally wave at myself and smile - it's like I'm beginning to pay more attention to myself in the mirror - as if I'm a person I'm getting to know.  The fact is, smiling at my reflection, there is a lovely smile in reply - it's actually quite nice! 

I haven't been meditating regularly in recent weeks, and I would like to get back to doing that in a disciplined way - so I am hoping that writing that intention here now, will help me to begin to do a daily meditation - just 10 minutes or so - but try to do it regularly.  It was helping me a lot before, and I need to do more of it.

Glad to have written something today - somehow it's been tough to write anything before today.
Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

That's a really sweet practice, to smile and wave to yourself. I bet that will help to open up outside too. I may have to adopt that myself!

Hope,

How beautiful that you wave at yourself in the mirror. I have no doubt that the smile you see in the mirror is a genuine and beautiful smile. I say it all the time, that we, the souls on this forum, know in our hearts that we are good people, but struggle with the trauma voices that keep lying to us about it. So, keep listening to the truth: We're good, beautiful people. Period!

I hope you're able to get restarted in meditations. Even short ones, like a few minutes, seem to be one of the most helpful habits for me also.

:hug:

I think it's great that you are smiling and waving to yourself. Beautiful.
Ten minutes of meditation is a good goal. And if you do five minutes, yea for you!

Hi Armee, Papa Coco & Not Alone,
Thank you so much - your reaction to my waving to myself in the mirror was validating to that part who is feeling like doing that.  Over time, it's definitely been helping me, as I notice I feel 'happier' and more connected to myself as a result of doing it.  I think it is something I'll continue to do - because it does make me feel better.

************
17th February 2023
I think I watched too much World news last night on TV - and it depressed me really.  I have woken with heavy feelings and some anxiety too.  But I'm trying to put some perspective on it, and go gently into the day - I feel sure it will be better as I interact more with the day.

I have attended a couple of sessions online regarding the Super Trauma Conference - just ones about meditation actually - and although I didn't necessarily join in, I watched the person doing the process of meditating and found some helpful things from it.  I particularly liked a session that Rick Hanson did, so I'll make a note of his website here, so I can remember it: Rickhanson.net - not looked there yet, but think that he spoke well and in a considered way about trauma and meditating.  My notes I wrote during listening to his session were: "Basic okay-ness.  Increase stimulation level whilst meditating.  e.g. walking or heartfelt content.  Verbal - mantra.  Also spoke of considering things as a whole (getting more of brain online).  Gazing - raising the gaze to the mid-line or above - helpful.  e.g. Look out of a window.  Watch the clouds.  Meditation: notice it, feel it, internalise it.  Levine's concept of pendulating (helpful).  Build strengths and capacity.  Resourcing.  Comfort and soothing.  Touching lips.  Nature.  Gradual cultivation can transition to sudden ...? (not sure of word I wanted to write there).  Nature; Spaciousness; Agency.  Extravert and introvert (being yourself)  States become traits.  Witness mindfully.  Calm, contentment, connection."

My notes above might not make much sense - I am just copying them from the notelet I'd written them on, as I am going to tear that up, and keep the notes here as a reminder.

*Note to self: Look at Rick Hanson's website - there are some free resources there.

I've started reading the book about Family - I noticed such a lot of resistance to my going there to do that from different parts within myself, but I was able to start the book, and so far it's been interesting.  I'm doing my usual thing of reading it through once before really trying any of the exercises it suggests.  Although I realise that reading it causes me to begin to process things in my mind.  So I am finding it helpful.  It has brought up some tough feelings too.

Since the pandemic I've not travelled anywhere very far away at all - and at the moment my partner and I are planning a holiday for later in the year - but the place we've chosen is a country I haven't been to for many years, and the last time I went there was with my FOO.  I am realising that I have some memories tied up with that occasion that I didn't realise would re-surface so much - so I think it's going to be a bit challenging to cope with organising this holiday - but I very much hope I can manage, it's stirring up a lot of different parts of myself, as well as bringing flashes of memory back that I'd not realised were necessarily there - bit frightened of that aspect as it feels out of my control.  Also trying to keep my brain online to cope with the different things involved in sorting out a holiday etc - but I am managing to cope so far.

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope its really helpful to me to read these notes and they make sense to me. When I meditate I feel very very very ungrounded and untethered and it is scary. It increases dissociation. So the things he is suggesting seem like ways that would help me be able to meditate without getting lost.

I'm sorry all those things are coming up as you plan your vacation. I find myself wanting to protect you and ask if you haven't already booked reservations if it isn't possible to consider changing your destination. You deserve a holiday that doesnt trigger you before you even go.  :grouphug:

Hi Armee,
I appreciate your protectiveness, thank you.   :hug:

I think that I am often triggered by the sheer fact of organising for any trip away, no matter what it is or where the destination is so I think that I would find it challenging at any level.  I've considered the fact that the country I am going to visit for the holiday is fairly big, and that I won't be going to the exact same places - so hopefully I can consider that it will be a different holiday and so I'm going to face it, and hopefully cope with it.   I went along with the choice of my partner on this instance, as he selected the holiday and I agreed it looks like a nice one. 

Somehow it feels more nerve wracking to think about travelling - having not been anywhere for quite a long time - due to the pandemic and other things.  But hopefully it will be ok.  It's quite a few months away - time to consider what I need for it etc.

***********
18th February 2023
Listened to another session in the Trauma conference today - by Adelene Cheong called 'The Benefits of Restorative Yoga for Trauma' - wrote a few notes: "Regulate nervous system; Restorative yoga.  'Feeling Safe Again'  and 'Opening up to Possibility' - 2 sessions Adelene has done.  Healing, feeling safe. Respond to somatic experience.  Having choice and making own decision is healing.  Intention: Relaxation and re-calibration.  Safe practice - choose to do it, or not.  Speaks straight to the nervous system."

Also listened to a session by Michael Stone called 'Neurodynamic Breathwork'
Notes: "Traumatic event.  Trauma. Ability to process the event.
Taking amygdala offline to enable access to memories and processing.  Breathwork.
Physiological - deeper connected conscious.  Blood - more alkaline.  More activity in some parts of the brain and less in other parts (less in emotional centre - default neuro-network, frontal cortex. 
Psychological - allow whatever wants to happen, let go.  Surrender.  Don't suppress feelings.  Please release, it's OK.
Self-talk = important.
Music - impacts expanded range of states.  Enhances mental imagery.  Releases intense emotionality.
Tension in fingers could occur (think he used the term 'tetnee' (not sure of spelling of that word ** Will hope to look up this concept as I do experience tingling in fingers and also in the tongue sometimes when triggered (especially at night).
Michael Stone finished his session with a 10 minute demonstration of a breathwork process.  I did this, and at the end when he advised to re-open the eyes he was smiling directly 'at me' and I felt tearful and emotional at that point.  Then the session completely ended - they didn't really leave time to discuss the experience of the person doing that.  But he says that on his website there is the potential to have an hour's free session for each person who wishes to try it, so I'm going to potentially do that.

The website is: Breakworkonline.com
** Will hope to try the free hour session and see what it's like, but need to do it when I'm alone - so not to be disturbed so maybe sometime after the weekend.

I've been reading more of the Family book - I found it caused me to have some quite 'grief stricken' kind of feelings - because the make-up and dynamics of my family are bleak and there are some themes across generations that are stark and disappointing.  I can see how trauma has infiltrated several generations and I feel sad that I couldn't make a difference in a positive way to that.  I feel like I ended up cutting off contact because I couldn't live with the toxicity of it - and yet it remains a sore wound.  I remain impacted in so many ways.  It's a wound that is difficult to cope with and to tend to.

Feel a lot of emotion underlying that.

Put my name down for a Free Summit about Narcissism which I found out about from the JungPlatform.  Will put a link here too, to remind me about it:
https://jungplatform.com/summit/narcissism-summit-2023
Dates are 30th March to 2nd April 2023. 

Just found some notes I wrote about another session I watched in the Trauma Conference - it's called 'Breathwork for Healing Fragmented Parts' by Anthony Abbagnano.
Notes: What's left is what shows up.  Relation with fragmented parts.  Each trigger = an opportunity.  Reflect.  Retrieve that part.
Client as Rescuer.  Breath - modulating.
Giving attention to our breath means being present.  He demonstrated this by considering a pleasant happy memory and thinking about where in the body a person felt/feels things relating to that - and focusing on it via breathwork.  Talked about a Bridge.
Similarly can do this for other emotions related to trauma - where in the body do you feel it."

For some reason didn't write more notes - not sure whether that was the end of the talk, or that I just didn't take more notes.  I did however find his talk to be positive and I related to it.  Made sense in terms of matching with things that Janina Fisher has said in working with Fragmented parts, and I do feel like I've been making some progress in connecting to parts of myself and to leaning in towards them, rather than my previous tendency to suppress or avoid or collude with the frozen defenses etc that I had previously.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

I support you in your plan to take the holiday. Time to make new memories!

Thanks again for the run down. I found the photo of that guy...Abbagnano was incredibly distressing to me. It's too bad I didn't give his talk a chance....it sounds interesting and helpful.

Hi Armee,
I completely relate to what you said about the picture of someone triggering you and that you avoided the talk for that reason.  I have found the same thing has happened with one of the interviewers who takes the talks - and have avoided some talks where she is present!  However, your mentioning your experience has helped me to reflect on what it is about the person that has triggered me. 

I wanted to say that the Conference organisers have said they'll be allowing access to all the talks tomorrow (Monday) - so if there's any you want to watch, that's a good opportunity.

I might pop over to your journal to say that, as well. 

Thank you so much for your support with my decision regarding my holiday - it is helpful.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Just wanted to say 'Hi' and send you good wishes for whatever is going on for you atm. I hope to catch up on various people's journals sometime soon.  :hug: :)

hi, hope, it sounds like you're learning a lot and reinforcing what you already know w/ these trauma conferences. 

i do hope this holiday you're planning works out well for you.  i can relate to not traveling, not really going to new places for quite a while, and having the experience of doing so be kind of disrupting internally.  my D and i are planning to sell our books again at farmers markets this summer, and altho i've thoroughly enjoyed doing so in the past, i can feel a flutter of trepidation when i think of it happening in just a few months.  weird how that works.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

I hope you're able to plan your trip in a way so that you can fully relax and enjoy the time when it comes.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

 ;)   :sunny:

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic, Dollyvee & Larry,
Thank you so much for your kind replies here in my Journal.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

_________
3rd April 2023
I am a bit shocked to realise that it's been over a month since I wrote here.  The whole of March, I didn't write here.  It's April now.  I really want to write about the intervening time, so I don't lose track of how it was and things that helped me get through that time.  So I do hope to maybe write something about that.  That's my intention.

Hope  :)

good to hear from you, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

 :wave:

Nice to hear from you Hope :hug:  I know sometimes you decide to take a break from the forum. In this case it seems it just happened w/o you planning it.

Nice to hear from you, Hope.

Hi SanMagic, Armee, Blueberry and Not Alone - thank you so much   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

******
6th April 2023
I have a bad stomach ache now, and wonder if it's due to something I ate or more emotional.  It's the long Bank Holiday weekend coming up - Easter, and I think maybe that's affected me. 
Hope  :)

I hope you feel better soon.

 :grouphug:

Hi Not Alone & Armee,
Thank you both very much  :hug: :hug:

*************
29th April 2023
I feel horrible today - I don't know whether it's because it's the Bank Holiday weekend here, and that's why.  I think maybe it is.  But I've not felt able to write in my Journal properly for quite a long time, and whenever I've wanted to write here, I've somehow felt 'frozen' and not able to do so.  It's as if having the disruption of not writing here has now made it difficult to re-connect and get back and write.

I will get back and write more though, as I want to! 

So, I'll be back.

Hope  :)

 :hug: to you if that's okay Hope, if not please disregard.

Thinking of you today.

Hi Hope.

Sending along warm thoughts of tea and safe cosy blankets to get you through the day.  :grouphug:

I wish it were not so hard to write for you but I am so glad to see you here even when you are not able to say much.  :hug:

hey, hope, it was  nice to see you if even for a little bit.  hoping you're feeling better soonest.  looking forward to seeing you here again, when you want or are able to.  love and hugs

Hi Hope. I hope that you feel better as the day goes on.

I have experienced times when I haven't felt safe to journal here. Even if you don't know why, there is a reason that you feel frozen when you come on OOTS to write. I'm glad that you are listening to that feeling and giving yourself space and time as needed.

Hi Moondance, Thank you so much, I appreciate your hug very much.   :hug:

Hi Armee, Thank you so much, your warm thoughts of tea and safe cosy blankets were welcome and helped me get through that day.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much for the love and hugs.  I appreciate them.   :hug:

Hi Not Alone, Yes, I definitely didn't feel safe and felt frozen as a result.  Thank you for sharing your experience of that too, I felt less alone with it.   :hug:

*********
1st May 2023
It's still the bank holiday weekend, but somehow I feel better today.  I am relieved.  I felt horrible earlier in the weekend and it lasted for quite a while. 

Back in April I attended a few online conferences and took quite a few notes from them.  I am keen to tear up those paper notes soon, but will hope to type some of them into my journal, so I can keep them somewhere safe - and I hope that if anyone else finds it helpful to read the notes, that will be a bonus. 

But for today, I'm going to try to do some relaxing things - like reading a magazine and sit in the sunshine for a while.  That would be very nice.  Cup of tea and a relax.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,
I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better. I'm sorry I missed your post from the 29th. I'm not sure how that happened.

I attended a few online conferences in April and took notes and haven't written them up on here either, though I intended to. I wonder if we will be writing about the same conferences.

:hug: :hug:

That sounds like a really nice plan for the day, Hope.  :grouphug:

Hi Blueberry,
I appreciate your support so much -  :hug:  I was just reading something you'd written in someone else's  journal about not feeling the need to write out a story from beginning to end, and it really helped me, as I sometimes wonder how people are able to do that, because it's so fragmented and all over the place, and it made me think that I don't need to do that myself.  It was very supportive and thought provoking, and I thought - Blueberry is so wise.  I think she's great.  So supportive and wise.   :hug: :hug:

(Actually a part of me feels really emotional now - it's touched an emotional part of me)

Anyway, I do appreciate your support, that's what I'm trying to say.

Hi Armee,
I also appreciate your support too - you are such a strong person, in my opinion.  I value everything you've said.  I appreciate the big hug too.   :grouphug:  :hug:

*********
2nd May 2023
Wow, I feel like there's an extra emotional part of myself present right now.  I really feel it quite strongly.  Interesting, because I can feel emotions more when I re-read what I've written, but at the moment, right now, I can feel them 'as I'm writing' - so that's a change. 

Blueberry - I think we most likely might have been to some of the same conferences, I am sitting with some notes still to write up.  But I probably won't write them all up, as they don't all make sense.   The only thing is that I didn't write the name of the Conference with the notes, so I don't know which one they came from - but I've put my notes separately instead - hope that's ok from Kizzie's point of view! 

I feel very emotional at the moment, but I think it's in a good way, as I am appreciating the support from this forum so much, and all the people in it.  I wanted to write in everyone's journals today, but felt like I was waning in energy as I went along.  Beginning to feel self-conscious.  That kind of thing.

*Note to self: I need to write about some of the more challenging things I went through - during the time I couldn't write in this forum.  I should have written about them - do I avoid that?  Yes, probably.  But why?  Sometimes I can face them, but talk about them, or write about them.  Fear?  I think it's concern about not having been able to write authentically about the truth - having to lie so much as a child to protect other people's lies.  Yes, I do feel some anger about that. 

I am still doing meditation each day - and it really has helped me to keep within a window of tolerance regarding my emotions.  My dreams have changed too - events within them have been what I would consider 'out of character' - but maybe it's because other parts of myself have woken up in the dreams and are able to express themselves.  Again, I'm too embarrassed or part of me is concerned about writing the content of them.

Othertimes, in previous weeks I was shocked by what I'd written in certain places in this forum.  Part of me wanted to 'rub them all out' and take them away - feeling unsafe about it.  But I'm glad that I've not acted on that - because actually every thing I've written in the past is helpful to look back on - and helps me understand how I've changed and what I've expressed over time.

I have quite a few paper notes in the house, and I'm wondering what to do with them.  Whether to keep them, or tear them up.  I'm not sure.  I printed out communications I had with a family member for example, and don't know if I want to have those anymore.  These are decisions I can make, but of course, if I do delete/get rid of, then I wouldn't be able to re-read them.  Maybe I'd regret it.  Hence I keep them.  But part of me thinks it might be really free-ing to just get rid of them.  But is that like trying to 'get rid of' the past, it can't be erased.  Dilemma.

Something that Janina Fisher had said about understanding themselves rather than judging themselves, is a helpful thing - because I do think that I can judge things sometimes, and that doesn't help - understanding is what's helpful.  I agree with her about that.

Recognising conflict between competing survival responses - I think that goes on for me - different parts of myself - my defenses do conflict in trying to help me.  Those traumatised parts of my personality.  They each do their best.  They try to drive my bus, and take me to a safe place, but they don't always know what they're doing or where they're going.

But, I feel like the journey is going in an ok direction currently - I have been helped by a book I read, but 'the part that rubs things out' has put that book in a safe place, and I don't know where it is, so I need to find it, and then I can share what it was.  I need to read it again, and 'do' the exercises wihtin it. 

*Note to self: Find that book.  Do the exercises in it. 

Glad to have written quite a few things today.

Hope  :)

I appreciate your reflection about times of feelings "extra" emotional and how different survival strategies may conflict with each other.

I relate to wanting to write in people's journals but not having the energy, or being too self-conscious.  I fear being misinterpreted, or just don't know what to say.  But I appreciate the forum too, and I appreciate you, Hope  :hug: :)

Hi Rainydiary - thank you  :hug:
Hi Bach - I appreciate you too and thank you for saying what you said.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Hope, you said some pretty helpful things in that post. One of them is going to stick with me for a while. You said that it's better for us to understand ourselves rather than judge ourselves.  That's a great way to go into meditations, and also daily life.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. We learn from each other, and by sharing your thoughts about yourself, I learned something about myself.

Sharing really is caring,

BIg Hug:  :bighug:

Hi SanMagic & Papa Coco,
Thank you so much  :hug: :hug:

I'm taking a break for a couple of weeks, but will be back and look forward to writing some things that I've been wanting to write.

Hope  :)

7th June 2023

I read these books during the past couple of months or so, and found them really helpful - I wanted to write their titles here in my Journal to remind me that I read them, and also put them there incase anyone else might be interested in reading them.

"My Life After Trauma Hanbook - Surviving & Thriving using Psychological Approaches" by Bridie Gallagher, Sue Knowles, Reggie Worthington & Jude Baron (2023) Jessica Kingsley Publishers.  ISBN 987 1 83997 128 0.

That book was written for teenagers, but I found it really explained things in such a clear and well presented way, and helped me to understand things.  I really found it helpful.

"Super-Women: Superhero Therapy for Women Battling Depression, Anxiety & Trauma" by Janina Scarlett (2020) Robinson.  ISBN: 978-1-47214-380-8

That book was really good too (in my opinion) - found it very helpful.

"I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy.  Publisher: Simon & Schuster.  (2022)  ISBN: 978-1-9821-8582-4

Jennette's book helped me to cope better with Mother's Day this year - it really helped me at the time, and I am glad I read it, although I felt some 'guilt' for reading it sometimes, but another part of me felt happy that I had read it. 

Also, following watching a Conference talk by Deb Dana, I bought her book:

"Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 client-centered practices" by Deb Dana (2020) Publisher: Norton.  ISBN: 978-0-393-71385-5
This book is excellent (in my opinion) and very useful practically - so many different exercises that are relatively easy to tackle and I think it's already helped me a lot.  The exercises are detailed and step-by-step. 

On the back of the book it is written "With this book, you and your clients have a guide to building the autonomic foundation for ventral vagal-inspired joy" (that's a great claim, but I do believe it's a path to obtaining access to that!).

Bessel A. van der Kolk said about Deb Dana's book "This is a valuable book to help you address your inner physiology and thereby create the necessary conditions for safety and connection."

Hope  :)

I appreciate you sharing about these resources.  Often I find reading things that have a target audience of children or teens to be really helpful. 

Thank you, Hope.  :grouphug:

Hi Rainy, Yes, books written for teenagers are often written clearly and I appreciate them.  :hug:

Hi Armee,   :hug:

***********
8th June 2023
I saw a quote by Dr Bessel van der Kolk that I really like:

"Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies"

I relate to his quote and find it helpful.

Note to self: look up the 'sexual assault survival stories with Dave Market - episodes 4-8 and episode 21 (Armee mentioned these previously, and I've taken a note of them - and keep meaning to listen to them).  Thank you Armee for mentioning those.

I have been tackling some paperwork and forms that I need to complete - it's been like treading through treacle a bit, as my brain keeps freezing at certain points, BUT I am making some progress, and I tackled some phone calls I needed to make as well. 

Hope  :)

Just putting a link here to a resource I just found, that I want to remember and go back to.  It's the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine, and I watched the first video on there by Ruth Buczynski, which featured Peter Levine just talking about 2 methods he uses to help with trauma - very simple, and just 6 mins 33 secs to watch - I think the other videos also look like they might be interesting, so I'll hope to go back there in the coming days and check some of them out.

https://www.youtube.com/NICABM

The video I watched was called 'Treating Trauma: 2 Ways to Help Clients Feel Safe".  I found it interesting that when I used those methods Peter sugggested, that I literally felt emotional inside - as if part of me really reacted to the containment and emotionally reacted to it.  But I did then settle afterwards - after feeling that emotion.

I have found things like that helpful at night, to calm myself - and over time, I've found that the terror is dissipating.  I don't feel it so often or so intensely and haven't had night terrors for a couple of months, that is really good.  Progress for me.

(As I write this, I feel another part of myself feeling self-conscious, and not being so happy about me writing it, but I am saying to myself - I want to write it.  I want to share these things, and make notes for myself in my journal, and that's ok!)

Hope  :)

thank you, hope, for sharing all this.  i agree that it's ok to share what you want, your feelings, your thoughts.  whatever feels right.  i'm glad you're finding such resources helpful.

i really related to that quote about having to realize and accept our body sensations as a way to overcome our trauma.  that's been a true challenge for me.  i appreciate your sharing this.  love and hugs  :hug:

I'm so glad that parts of you allowed you to write here even though other parts didn't want to. Its tough when there's so many conflicting needs inside and I think you're doing a great job being respectful to all of them.

:grouphug: I am so so happy to hear that you've had a break from night terrors.  :cheer: that's great news and being better rested will make healing easier. Keep going! This is solid progress toward healing!  :cheer:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.   :hug:

Hi Armee,
Yes, I agree that having some respite from the night terrors is progress, I am so pleased about that.   :cheer:  :cheer:

************
12th June 2023

I feel restless today.  I had set myself some goals which I had hoped to start working on today, but when it came to trying to start the tasks, I found I was easily distracted from them, and therefore didn't achieve any of them!  Feeling almost a bit hijacked really. 

Now I'm thinking that I'd like to read a good self-help kind of book, but don't have one in mind to start.  I have plenty of old ones and also some that I've not tackled - but somehow feel reluctant. 

I think I'm therefore in 'many minds' regarding what I wish/want to do.

Hope  :)

Being of many minds about what you do....yup. I know that feeling.  :grouphug: I know it well. It can be really frustrating. Eventually you'll settle into a track for awhile. It almost feels like adhd, to me. It's not, but so scattered and bouncing from one thing to the next because there's so much internal disagreement about what I should be doing.

I can't wait for you to settle on a book though, selfishly, because I always learn so much from what you share!   :grouphug:

Thanks so much Armee - I appreciated what you said very much.   :hug:

15th June 2023

I have been watching a series from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine each evening this week - as it's free to watch it - I've given a link to it in the resources section.  It's been a lot to try to process and take in, but I'm resolved to try to complete the 5 sessions.  Tonight's session is about Shame, so I am especially keen to watch that one.

I also started to watch a documentary that was too much for me to cope with - brought up too many emotions and thoughts at once, and I felt overwhelmed, and also concerned that my partner was due back in the house, and I didn't want to be crying when he came back - so I hope to watch it early next week, when I know he'll be away for a longer time period! 

Trigger warning (mentioning Sexual abuse)
It's about having a peaodiphile in the family, Surviving Dad - and it feels very relevant to my situation.  I want to write a few things about it already - I did write in my journal (paper journal) and I think I want to also write here - to share my thoughts and feelings somewhere where I know there are people who will understand.  But I need to pace this, as it's a lot...!  Feel very emotional even writing that - writing about recognising the need to pace and to look after myself, feeling that emotion, I think that's a huge thing - that I am feeling it.

Need to go now, and do some things.
Hope  :)

It is a huge thing, just what you wrote here. The emotions and even writing this, and the show, and knowing it's relevant. You're doing a great job pacing this. Its so important to go slow. I'm so proud of you.  :grouphug:

hope, that is huge.  like armee said, pacing is good for us. this stuff can overwhelm us so quickly.

i noticed w/in myself when you wrote the title for tonite is 'shame', my stomach lurched.  that tells me there must be a bunch of shame inside me that i haven't been able to access.  scared the crap out of me, but thanks for writing it as it taught me something, and i appreciate that.  appreciate you, too.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Armee,
I responded emotionally inside to what you wrote - it was like part of me felt validated by your reply, thank you.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I appreciate and value you too  :hug: What you wrote about how hearing/reading the word 'shame' gave you that very visceral/strong reaction.  It makes sense to me. 

************
16th June 2023
(Trigger warning -  mentioning CSA)

OK, so I'm going to copy what I wrote in my paper journal the other day, into this journal here.  I want to do this, because I want to share it with people who understand. 

I wrote this on 14th June 2023:
I have just watched about 10 minutes of a documentary on TV (that I recorded previously) entitled "Paedophile in My Family: Surviving Dad".  It caused tears to fall and I decided to stop watching as (my partner) is due home soon.  The girl (woman) experienced sexual abuse from her father from birth to 18 years of age and her mother and two brothers never knew.  She spoke of feeling guilt about her father's behaviour and feeling as if she'd ruined her mother's life, but also felt resentment towards her Mum for not knowing/helping.

Interesting about my own feelings and thoughts as I watched it.  Felt emotional for her - empathised with her.

I definitely want to watch more, but will wait till Monday - when (my partner) is out for a longer time period.  I'll have time to process whatever feelings come up.

Currently feel very hot (it is hot today) and nauseous in my stomach.  Might do some tapping.

Tapping helped.  I wanted to write about the fact that the woman spoke and a sign language interpreter also actioned her words, and how the upset for the woman seemed somehow emphasised by the interpreter's facial expressions.

Also, she (the woman) spoke of school reports and how she was described by teachers as positive, yet she hadn't felt that way, and had had lots of absences from school.  She expressed frustration and anger that nothing was picked up/noticed by the school or her family (mother).

She spoke of a stomach ache - said "it wouldn't have been that" - I had a flashback to having had a very bad ?stomach ache/more and how a GP did come eventually.

Round this are memories of being held down by Dad.  ?Night terrors.  Was he the cause?  I realise my traumatised parts hold the memories and I can't access them currently.  My partner is back."

So that was what I wrote that day.  I am glad to have written it here. 

I am thinking that in the past I wouldn't have felt able to write about CSA in my actual journal very easily - I'd have put it in the CSA section of the forum - 'apart' from my journal.  But now it feels more appropriate for me to write it here - because I'm owning the fact that things did happen that shouldn't have happened.  That they happened to me.  That they were real. 

Another thing I want to write is that I've been watching a session online of a woman who talks about her CSA and does tapping at the same time about it.  Part of me won't allow me to find the link to it right now.  But I do want to put a link here at some point - incase anyone else would value watching it.  I have listened to it each week, usually on a Monday when I have more time alone to process - and I've watched it for a few weeks now.  Each time, it's enabled me to process something viscerally.  So it has been helpful to me.

I am also continuing to do meditation daily - and also my dot-to-dots when I invite any parts within me to communicate whilst I focus on the dot-to-dots. 

I'm actively journalling more about my thoughts and feelings as well.  I think this is doing me good.

(I want to write some notes about the Trauma Series that has been on the past few days - but they are mentioning that they want people to buy a 'gold package' and they want people to respect their intellectual property and not share their resources by means of replicating them.  I am thinking that sharing notes would be ok.  Afterall they are recommending that practitioners use the skills in their work with clients.  Anyway, once I get to grips with what might be ok to share, I might be able to write some notes - I end up getting bogged down sometimes with 'shoulds' about what's right to do.  I feel like a younger part of me is writing that - it sounds to me like it's from a younger perspective.

Anyway, I feel some nausea inside just now.  I'm going to go and do some meditation and tapping, and hopefully re-ground myself for the remainder of the day.

Hope  :)

Hope :grouphug:

I want to be careful not to say more than parts are ready to read but I also want to let you know how sorry I am that your father did these things to you. I will delete this reply at any time if you need me to.

You've known in some ways for a long time but now you are writing it here. And I'm so proud of you because you have worked so diligently to respect all parts of yourself and to go at a pace that is ok for everyone inside and now because of that hard work you are able to know and write it here.

As you know, I have struggled too with accepting what happened to me too. And what helped me was that you and others here believed me, nearly every day, for 2 years, and told me you believed me, until I could believe it myself.

Once I could say it and start to believe it is when the healing started to happen. I will be here everyday to say now and as many times as you need to hear it: I believe you, and I am so sorry this happened to you. It is wrong that he used and harmed you like this and you did nothing wrong. None of it, not even a millimeter of it, is or ever was your fault.

Thank you for trusting us with this and for showing so much strength getting to this point.

If this is too much for parts I will delete my reply. All you have to do is say "too much" or "can't" or any other simple word that let's me know and I will respect the parts that aren't ready yet. But if they are ready, I'm so sad for what you went through but also I feel some joy that you can start to heal these wounds.

It's a difficult journey, Hope,  even though you've known for some time, it still hits like a ton of bricks when you let yourself know and believe fully. But it's the start of healing so I am very hopeful for you.

Sending you strength and compassion, Hope. I'm proud of you.

 :bighug:

Hi Armee,
I am grateful to you for your reply and for everything you said.  Thank you so much.  :hug: I feel especially glad that your healing has started to happen since you could say things and start to believe them.  I feel the beginnings of this process for myself currently.

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for that big hug, I appreciate it.   :hug:

***********
17th June 2023
I was re-reading some things I'd written back in 2017 on this forum in the CSA area, and I was amazed at how much I had shared there, and also how much had come out of connecting with younger Little Hopes.  As I was reading everything there, and realising how much had happened - it was making me think about how in daily time I have minimised and put things aside, and not really truely even believed that things have actually 'happened'. 

I've started looking at a book I've had before, called 'The Complex PTSD Workbook' by Arielle Schwartz - and whilst I was reading it, I felt as if I 'understood' it more - i.e. it was almost as if I'd never seen it before, and yet I feel sure I would have read it before now.  So I think because I've been able to be within my window of tolerance more, then so I can begin to process and understand things better. 

Anyway, it's the weekend now, and I've been trying to ensure that I do 'non-self-help' kind of related things on weekends - to try to relax and do things unconnected to self-analysis.  I realise I have become quite entrenched in learning more about complex PTSD and stuff relating to it - but I need to chill out and live a more normal life - especially on weekends.  So I think I'll go for a walk and enjoy the outdoors.  I'll see if my partner would like to go for a walk with me. 

Hope  :)

hope, i have so much admiration for you on how far you've come, so proud of you for pushing thru to get to this point.  thank you for sharing. i'm also seeing more self-confidence and inner strength in you. it beautiful to see.

what a horrific experience you went thru.  i believe it's totally natural and normal to be angry at the other adults around us, all of whom had the responsibility for our care, who didn't notice, didn't speak up, didn't help.  it doesn't matter if that's realistic or not - we were helpless babes and were supposed to be taken care of.  by someone!

reading about the different perspective you now have towards that workbook made me recall when you were reading so many books so often. your state of mind was different back then, as you've been able to recognize.  i think those are the signs we need of our growth to help us keep going.  you're doing great!  love and hugs :hug: 

Hope, I resonate with trying to find a balance with learning and self-helping and nurturing and restoring.  I hope the weekend offers relaxation.

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much for everything you said.   :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you so much  :hug:

*********
22nd June 2023
Trigger warnings - might mention CSA

I am doing ok.  I feel pleased with how things have been the past few days.  I watched the documentary about CSA at the start of the week, and it caused a huge rush of emotions and was understandably triggering, BUT, I was also able to consider things using a wise part of myself, and see things from a few perspectives.  I'm not sure I can put these reactions and feelings into words here, but for now - I will just say that I was glad I watched it.  I am grateful to the woman who shared her experiences - I felt a lot of empathy for her, and related to things she said and felt. 

I recognise that as I write this, I feel some tension in my left eye and side of my face - makes me realise that part of me is perhaps concerned about what I might write here.  I am reassuring all parts of myself that I am not going to write much just now, apart from saying how pleased I am that I can face some difficult things, and that I care about everything that happened to every younger part of myself.  I hope to keep every part of me safe now, and try to look after us all.

I'm going to write a note to myself/reminder that I need to keep doing my EFT tapping meditations each day - because I think they are helping me more now, and I don't want to lose the discipline of doing them daily - as it's a way for me to communicate with parts of myself in a caring and diligent way.

I recognise that there's a part of me that's perhaps steering me away/distracting me from doing that - but I know it's important to communicate with parts regularly - at least once a day, and I try to connect more with considering every feeling and thought - and doing body scans too.

At night, I feel like I have made some progress in communicating with a part of me that feels terror, and I feel like I've been able to stay constant more and comfort her. 

Can't think of anything else to say now, so I'll stop writing for now.

Hope  :)

hope, may i send encouragement your way to keep up your tapping?  it sounds like it's a good thing for you, which is somthing you deserve.  i get it how some days we just don't want to do something good for us, or don't have enough energy, whatever, and we're not perfect, so i hope on those days you don't beat yourself up for not doing it.

very brave, very courageous of you to write what you did.  here are some cuddles, fluffy blanket, stuffed animal for that terrified part.  we all just want to keep you safe.  gentle love and hugs to you both  :hug:  :hug:

Hi Hope,

It sounds like you're facing some tough challenges right now but I think you are very courageous for doing what you're doing.

I also have a part that wants to distract me from doing things to help myself (or even feel good about myself I think) and I am trying to get to know that part. I can relate that it's really difficult to do so. It's like the thinking stops and I'm just this motor that hums in place. I can't describe it. I'm trying to tell it that, "hey I'm here for you. You don't have to show yourself etc." I just want to show it that this is the adult me and I can accountable as an adult. Also, a very hard thing to believe right now as there's another part which seems to criticize everything, but I think it's a step by step journey. I hope you are able to show up for yourself as well little by little. 

Sending you a hug if that's ok  :hug:
dolly

Dear SanMagic,
Thank you for sending me that encouragement to continue with the EFT tapping - and also for the comfort to the terrified part - those were appreciated for sure.  Thank you  :hug:

Dear Dollyvee,
Thank you for what you said, and also for sharing about your part that distracts you, and the fact you're getting to know it.  I really like what you said to that part, that was very supportive and understanding.  I agree with you, it's a step by step journey, but I believe it's definitely a journey worth the continuing embarkation.  Thanks also for the hug, it is appreciated and I also send you a hug too  :hug:

*********
3rd July 2023
I have a few things I want to write about, and I hope that I will come back here and indeed write about them soon - I know I don't have much time just now, but maybe I'll be back later or tomorrow to write.  I'm actually feeling quite good about how things have been going/progressing, and want to write about that.  But somehow that makes me feel a bit guilty for wanting to share the good things...! 

Anyway, I do hope to come back later to do just that. 

Hope  :)

 :hug:

I look forward to reading whatever you have to share.

Hi Not Alone, Thank you so much, and sending you also a hug  :hug:
Hi Rainydiary, thank you for saying that,  :hug:

***********
7th July 2023
I meant to come back and write before now, but somehow days have passed since my last entry.  I have been quite busy.  I also acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels guilty about the prospect of writing about more positive things, and therefore perhaps there's a reluctance to actually do that.  So I'm not really sure if I can actually manage to do that - so maybe I'll just write about some stuff - different stuff.  Interesting - my language feels clunky just now, almost as if I'm writing it in a different language to one I'm comfortable with, and yet it is my native language!  Perhaps I'm blended with another part, and that's affecting me.  Not sure.

I had found an old magazine that had some articles in it that were interesting.  One had a piece about writing with the dominant and non-dominant hand to communicate between the current self and the past self/younger self.  I have tried that before, but not really got very far with it.  I am wondering whether to re-try it.  Maybe.

I saw a book that a couple of other forum members had talked about - I think the author is Claudia Black and it is called 'Repeat After Me' - I've ordered it, and read a little of it - and I feel as if I might be ready to 'do' some of the exercises there.  They suggest a Repeat After Me group to share experiences from the book - as a possible way to proceed, but I though that maybe I could occasionally discuss an exercise here, and any thoughts that have come from it - thereby not putting pressure on myself to achieve anything in any particular time frame.  I think the exercises will be challenging sometimes, and that I might have resistance to doing some of them. 

Attempting to cut through the resistance to talk about positives - I am going to try to mention some of them in this paragraph, as I am figuring that it's ok...  Positives - I've been able to cope with using a technique that I think Arielle Schwartz called 'pendulation' where I attempt to move between different levels of tolerance to memories and thoughts and feelings within my window of tolerance, and have truely been able to feel my way within those.  It's taken a few years to get to this point, as I've really struggled to stick with such things - but having really stuck with doing some daily meditation and EFT tapping - to consistently be there for my parts in some form of communication, has meant that my mind has calmed more, and I've been longer in a state of 'rest and digest' rather than 'fight and flight' - I've been calmer. 

I've been able to cope better with some socialising too - I am basically doing things much slower - taking my time, and have recognised previous patterns where I might have put myself into a rushed and adrenalised frenzy of panic, and instead can attend something and not have the same barriers, as I am in a more relaxed and open state.

Something I didn't write about at the time, was that I did manage to go away for a holiday to a place that had been triggering in the past (due to FOO connections with that place) and it was ok!  I really coped so much better than I thought I would.  It was challenging, yes, but it was enjoyable and I felt a renewed sense of freedom about being able to do that.  I also had the situation of socialising with a group of people whilst on that holiday, and being asked some more personal questions - which often I'd perhaps ignore/change the subject so as not to respond, BUT - I did speak about some personal things, and it was OK!  I wasn't judged for it, and the response was very understanding, and indeed the person went on to tell me some personal things that they were dealing with too.  So it was very nice to have that response. 

Another really good thing that I've noticed, is that since I've been using Vagal nerve stimulation exercises, that my heart rate variability has improved.  I have had extremely low heart rate variability before, but now it's better - although still not close to what most people's would be.  I read that it can be effected by PTSD and complex PTSD.  But I am going to continue with the vagus nerve stimulation - because I think it's very beneficial to me.

This is great - I managed to write about some positives, despite my initial resistance/reluctance (from some part of me) and now I feel like the clunkiness that I felt has lifted, so maybe that part has unblended and I am ok for the moment.  I don't regret what I've written, I think it's ok!

Hope  :)

I love reading about these positive things, Hope, and am grateful for that part that allowed you to share despite the initial discomfort.

I think that is such a huge positive step that despite the triggering association with FOO  that you were able to let those associations mostly stay in the back and in the past and were able to enjoy the vacation with your husband and friends and even to risk some vulnerability in sharing.

I feel the same way. Scared of sharing, not trusting my judgment about how much to say. That I will say too much or the wrong thing or make people uncomfortable and they will no longer want to be friends. So it's helpful to me to read about your experience with answering some questions and having the other person share back. That shows me that by you sharing you gave them space to share too, which I think is a great outcome and encouraging to me to risk more too with friends. 

 :grouphug:
 

That's a great update. I am glad you enjoyed your holiday. The socialising sounds very positive. Good for you!

Thank you for sharing your experience with vagus nerve stimulation. I am going to research that and maybe give it a go. One of the things that surprised me very much, given my interest in fitness which has been going on for several years now, was to discover that my HRV is way below what I would have expected. That, and various other things such as my sleeping heart rate (but not my daytime resting heart rate) being high, let me to do some research and conclude that these things are related to chronic stress and trauma.

Hi Armee and NarcKiddo, I appreciate what you both wrote, thank you  :hug:  :hug:

Armee - it wasn't specifically friends who I shared the more person things with, but one person I'd met whilst on that holiday - within a larger group, and therefore somehow it didn't seem as difficult to share something - I think it might have been harder if it was a friend of mine.  I have of course shared some things with my friends, but I am at the point where I don't necessarily remember what I've said to whom, and that's very worrying for parts of myself!  But it's been ok so far.

NarcKiddo - There's a really good book called 'Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection' by Deb Dana, which gives about 50 exercises that are 'client-centered practices' - I think that's really good.  I also think that Arielle Schwartz has some u-tube videos where she demonstrates stimulation of the vagus nerve in some of her sessions.  Bach also gave me a really great list of things to do to stimulate it - it's on the forum somewhere, but I can't remember where it is.  But it's good!  If I find it, I'll give you a link to it.

**********
8th July 2023
I'm finding the weekend a bit challenging - some unexpected things I need to do tomorrow - hoping it goes ok.  I'm feeling more anxious as a result.  Trying to keep grounded and not let things get out of perspective. 

I've also started reading Prince Harry's book 'Spare' and must say that I've found some things he's written to be very relevant to things I've experienced - just in terms of how he describes his memory about traumatic events.  I might share some notes in my journal, to keep them safe - and reflect on them - I might come back and write about them later. 

Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.

I have read Spare and parts of it resonated with me, too.

Sending you good wishes and strength for tomorrow. I hope all goes well with the unexpected things you need to do.

Hi Hope,

I'm really happy for you that you've been able to feel better about things and recognize the progress you've made  :cheer:

What I read recently is that even if you can't see those parts right away, checking in with them and just being curious can, over time, help them to trust you. This was helpful for me and thought you might find it helpful too.

Hope you're able to manage with the unexpected things. I had some come up this week and I had a lot of anxiety around them but things worked out.

Sending you support  :grouphug:
dolly

Hope, I hope the unexpected things passed as smoothly as possible.  I appreciate the insight about Prince Harry's book. 

hope, sending love and a hug filled w/ grounding energy. :hug:

adding to the grounding and group hug, Hope.  :hug:

 :grouphug: Thanks so much.  I appreciate each and every one of you, and really am glad to read what you each wrote.  Sorry to not reply individually back, but I am warmed by what you each said.   :hug:
Hope  :)

13th July 2023
I think I've been in an emotional overload of EFs in the past couple of days - I think I can see some of the triggers for this.  One of which happened to be the ongoing stuff about the BBC presenter that wasn't named for some time, but is now named.  Somehow it really spooked parts of me that there was so much uncertainty and different people were getting mentioned from time to time, and I was concerned for the effect on those people of false allegations and so forth.  I don't really know why it affected me so much, but it did.  I feel a bit better now that they have identified the person.  There are other triggers too - but I don't feel comfortable to say what they are, as I think parts of myself are too bothered by them. 

I recognise that I need to ease back on my wish to pursue certain things this week - and just look at self-care for myself, and trying to calm my nervous system down.  Regulate my feelings - that's very difficult to do.  I recognise how difficult it is when I wasn't helped to do that by my care-givers.  But, I am attempting to do so. 

I don't feel much sense of safety at the moment, there feels like there's things contributing to that - and I've tried to explain some of my feelings today to my partner, and he does understand, and it has helped to talk about them out loud to him.  He has been reassuring.  I am thankful of that. 

I very much hope that I will feel calmer and more centred again - more grounded.  I would like to achieve that feeling again, as I was feeling it sometimes, and enjoying it.  But I recognise that I feel more things now, and they are painful and emotional.  I guess it's the reality of facing things that I was previously more in the fog about, and dissociated/protected from by that dissociation.  I see things more clearly now, and it hurts.  Grief is there.  It ebbs and flows.  Different parts of me share different thoughts and feelings, and I react to these and lean in to feel the emotions - that is putting myself through something, I realise that - but I also welcome it.

I've got a very strong urge to binge eat something, but I am trying to resist it. 

Hope  :)

I especially appreciated your noticing to take care this week and how that wasn't modeled for you.

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you  :hug:

************
25th July 2023
I have been reading a book by Gabor Mate with Daniel Mate (his son) called 'The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture' and I am finding it quite good, but also quite challenging in that it makes me feel more low feelings, and more frustration at how much toxicity can be around in life and culture.

I wanted to quote this part on p.239 "It's enormous work to recover from our childhoods.  It's incredibly worthwhile, but it's a lot of work."

I think I feel better for reading that statement, and thinking that yes, it is hard work, but it should hopefully be worthwhile to continue to work on recovery.

Anyway, I needed to read that today - and was glad I did.  I've had part of myself who keeps saying 'I feel terrible.  I feel terrible.' in the background, but still keeps saying that through many parts of the day - yet I'm not sure what about - and which part that is.  Just that she repeats it.  I try to reassure her - saying 'I hear you.  I care.'  I feel like she's feeling a bit better now, as I've not heard her say that for the last hour. 

I have things I need to do, but wanted to come here and write that. 

Hope  :)

That excerpt is about as close to Truth as it gets!

Oh I have a little voice like that too. Isn't it such a strange feeling to not know what's going on inside? I often feel terrified inside but I am clueless as to what the problem is because I actually feel fine and am not feeling scared. Except I am feeling scared somewhere. It sounds like you've done a good job helping that part of you that feels terrible to feel a little better, like she has someone with her sitting next to her while she feels this way.  :grouphug:

I hope she tells you more so you can help her a little more.

Hi Armee,
Thanks for sharing about your little voice inside - it helped me feel very validated that you also experience something very similar -  I think 'feeling scared somewhere' is descriptive too.   :grouphug:

************
27th July 2023
I just can't formulate my words together to say anything at the moment.  I came here - thinking I'd be able to write something coherent and I find that I feel all mixed up and at multiple cross-roads of thought, and therefore I can't communicate - it feels jumbled.

I will hope to be back later in the week and maybe write something then.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I really empathize with the statement that it is enormous work to recover from our childhoods. It really is. I'm also glad you're able to care for that little voice inside you and what a great thing to have empathy and care for her  :hug:

I hope you're feeling more settled as well. I don't remember reading that post before now and I think it may have got lost in the fray.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Dollyvee - thank you so much  :hug:

***********
3rd August 2023
I have read a book by Kate Silverton called 'There's No Such Thing as Naughty' which is a parenting book for parenting under-fives.  I found it quite helpful and interesting, and it was thought provoking to consider differences in parenting over time and how my experience of being parented differed from the suggestions put forward by Kate.

Things that particularly came through to me were thinking that my parents weren't able to self-regulate, and therefore couldn't help me to self-regulate as a baby/young child. 

I'm just going to note a few things from that book here in my journal.  on p.73 of the book Julie Harmieson said "Empathy is not a developmental skill we just acquire.  It is hard to teach it, we have to experience it." (I definitely relate to that.  Kate said on p.81 "If you can manage your emotions, and teach your child to manage theirs, then rather than 'act out' big feelings, you can express them in more appropriate and healthy ways."

p.115 "Stress will live in the body if it has no form of release"

p.142 "When our emotions and our 'big feelings' are repressed they 'sit' inside the body."

On p.143 a psychotherapist called Liza Elle said "When we send our children to their room they become adults who associate being alone as a 'bad thing', which is why we see adults in modern life unable to sit with themselves in the 'alone'.  They will use TV, video games, food, alcohol, cigarettes, anything, to not feel (that) sensation again."  Kate says 'It's the same for the Naughty Step.'  'Naughty steps' and banishing kids to their rooms = evokes feelings of shame.

p.164 "Acknowledge their feelings and treat them in a way that tells them they matter."

p.171 Gabor Mate said "Our children don't need presents, they need our presence."

p.173 Kate mentioned that someone giggling - she interpreted it as a 'little stress release' (I found this helpful as I sometimes laugh when I'm stressed and I think it could be mis-perceived as something else).

p.194 "damaging to be physically present but emotionally absent with your child."  Kate goes on to say "A child senses the hypocrisy of a parent who says they care but doesn't care enough to spend time with them."

p.199 "Play is genetically ingrained in us all, but it needs the right environment: your child has to feel psychologically safe with you to be able to 'let go'."

p.207 "Avoid asking 'why' questions - it means your child has to move away from feeling and has to start thinking.  Stops their flow."

p.219 "Investing time in your children, giving them the space to play, encouraging them to feel the range of their feelings and having an open line of communication between them and you.  This way you can bring their sense of self to its full potential and not try to change it.  Work with each child's character and honour them as they are."

p.235 "Don't want our children to adopt roles and create a family dynamic than can very often end up playing out over the course of their lives."

p.235 "If one child appears to have a need to control, it will most often be based in insecurity.  Feels less in control."

(I relate a lot to that)

p.243 "Loss and change are important and universal concepts, so its critically important for us to understand the impact they have on our children, especially when they are very young."

(I find myself feelings some anger towards my FOO (parents) about that last statement, I wish they could have addressed/talked about/explained losses and changes that happened throughout my early childhood).

p.243 "The stress of separation - experienced in the brain in much the same way as physical pain."

(This next bit is particularly triggering for me, as I don't find transitions of ending/saying Goodbye easy - very triggering)

p.247 "Old school parenting - avoided saying 'Goodbye'"

(Feel this has a lot to do with my trauma)

p.247 "But being consistent with 'goodbyes' - children will build the flexibility and the capacity to cope."

p.248 "Need our help with transitions not to have to go it alone."

p.251 "Transitional object, toy or item of clothing."

p.253 "Rhythm of things - soothing dorsal vagus nerve."

p.254 "The temptation to avoid our upsets is disguised as 'not wanting to upset the child.'"

Kate goes on to say "The child is having to deal with not only the loss of a teacher but also the added feelings of not being worthy enough or important enough to say Goodbye to and can bring up feelings of abandonment."

(I am feeling dizzy now - just writing about that - Goodbyes are triggering big time for me, but I want to write about it).

p.257 "Knowing that whatever they are feeling about the change or event is normal helps them to 'come through it'.!

p.259 "Remember to name the emotions your child might be experiencing, not be afraid of them."

p.260 (This makes me feel emotional to read this bit) "Remember not to dismiss your child's emotions.  Put those wonderful warm wings around them during periods of change." (Parts of me feel emotional to hear that).

(Those notes above are all from Kate Silverton's book "There's No Such Thing as Naughty")  I thought it was a relateable book and gives some advice and suggestions that I found helpful to read for parenting my own inner children/parts.

I also wanted to write a few things that I noted down from Prince Harry's book 'Spare' - I want to shred my paper notes, and just keep my notes in my journal here - they are meaningful to me.

From his book:

p.21 "...it's wreathed in fog and might be slightly out of sequence.  At times my memory places it right there,... But at other times memory casts it forward, to many years later."

(I related a lot to that, as I find it hard to place things in time in the correct place, and have found that events will turn up at different times and ages, and I gradually adapt my recollections accordingly - putting them in different places and times)

p.27 "As a defense mechanism, most likely, my memory was no longer recording things quite as it once did."

(I relate to this - interesting to hear it mentioned as a defense mechanism)

p.65 "Part of my brain knew, but part of it was wholly insulated, and the division between these two parts kept the parliament of my consciousness divided, polarized, gridlocked.  Just as I wanted it."

(I relate to that.)

p.69 "Being so obtuse, so emotionally unavailable, wasn't a choice I made.  I simply wasn't capable, I wasn't close to ready."

p.159 "Grief is a thing best shared."

p.360 "Isn't 'defending each other' the first rule of every family."
p.369 "I'd been so conditioned to do as I was told."
(I definitely relate to the second of those statements - but am quizzical about the first - because I don't know what rules there are within families -they seem to different)

p.371 "Anything you do affects the whole family."

(I relate to this as I felt responsible for what happened within my family - almost to a ridiculous level of believing my power in it, but yet - I don't think I had any power at all - I was extremely defenceless).

p.4 "Apart from fear, I was feeling a kind of hyper-awareness, and a hugely intense vulnerability."

Prince Harry quoted his father as saying 'Please boys - don't make my final years a misery"  (I related to feeling guilt over feeling that I was 'to blame' for not being able to keep contact with my FOO - and yet I felt I had to estrange in order to survive and keep my mental health intact).

p.11 "Alas, the memory lies, with a million others, on the other side of a high mental wall.  Such a horrid, tantalizing feeling, to know they're over there, just on the other side, mere inches away - but the wall is always too high, too thick.  Unscalable."

p.18 "Did I imagine shapes sliding along the walls?  Did I stare at the bar of light along the floor, which was always there, because I always insisted on the door being open a crack."

(I relate to the crack of light under a door - leaving the light through there on - very much.  I also relate to the images of shapes sliding along walls as well.  )

p.21 "The next few days passed in a vacuum, noone saying anything"

(I related to this also - the horrible vacuum that follows when something is said that isn't acceptable and how there can be a punishing silence).

I've quoted things from Prince Harry's book, and my own comments on those things are afterwards in brackets.

The other thing I wanted to write a note of in my journal is the utube video that I had watched a few times over a few weeks - although I've not watched it for the past 3 weeks now.  It's called 'EFT for Sexual Abuse: Using the Movie Technique and Quantum EFT."  I wanted to keep a note of its name.  It was tough to watch at first, but over time, it got better and was quite useful to me. 

I've also written the word 'interoceptive awareness' in a box underneath, and have no idea why I wrote that - but thought I'll write it here too, incase I realise later why I wrote it.

Glad to have written these notes, I've been meaning to write some for a while.  I can tear up the hand-written notes now.   :disappear:

I still feel a bit sick and dizzy, but not too bad.  I know it's been good to type these things out here.  I want to keep them, and refer back.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you writing all that out.  I learned so much and it always catches me how we can find wisdom and support in places we might not expect like from Prince Harry or a parenting book.

Hi Rainydiary,
Yes, I found much wisdom in both those sources - glad I read those books.  I also benefited from typing out the things, as it made me process them again - and I saw new things in that processing.  Things to mull over after and think about. 

***********
4th August 2023
I'm finding that I am feeling more comfortable with feelings in my body that would have previously frightened me - it's as if I now understand where they come from to some degree.  Also, I find that I can look at past events with a new lens - new perspective and understanding.  Reading different things has continued to help me to negotiate my way through some stuff.  Journalling is also helpful - both here and in my paper journal.  I've been having more dreams with content that is related to relationships and expressing some emotions, thoughts and feelings that previously would have tended to be repressed or not even noticed as such.

Keeping up with the EFT tapping daily - and incorporating some other meditation within that.  Always thinking about opening the door to my parts and them feeling more comfortable that I'm there for them.  I think of them during the day, and they do communicate with me.  I still feel a bit reticent to write what they say in this journal - but essentially they are communicating more and I'm getting used to feeling comfortable with that communication.

Noticing that when I feel the 'clunky' aspect of communication here, it is potentially resistance from another part for me to write about it.  That feeling is like walking through treacle somehow.  But it's ok - I feel that I can communicate, and say more than I felt able to say previously.  Sometimes I have been amazed by how much I've shared in this forum, really personal things.  Wonder how I managed to write about those things.  But everyone has always been supportive here, and non-judgemental, and more than that - truely empathised with my experiences and understood.  That is.... I can't think of the right word.  It means a lot.

Feeling a bit embarrassed now, as if my words have become too gushy. 

I've begun to do some yoga exercises as well - and find it is relaxing and being able to do things in my own time and with my own privacy to do them (rather than in a group setting - which is what I have tried in the past) - it's much better.  I don't strain myself - I think when I did yoga in a group in the past, my body tightened up in a defence, and I strained myself or hurt myself.  But at home, and in privacy, it's been better.  It's felt safer.  It's felt ok.

Hope  :)

I don't think your post was at all gushy. And I'm glad you have benefited from the support of everyone here. We really can help one another. It's nice to read that you are doing some yoga exercises. I struggle with exercising in a group setting and avoid classes. I don't mine one to one with a coach and I need that because of my choice of exercise. But even that was horrendously tough at first.

Thank you for the extracts from the books. I've read Harry's book and I can relate to much of what he says. "Anything you do affects the whole family" really resonated with me and not in a good way. My FOO expects me to be in lockstep with them and being an individual is not encouraged. I am supposed to be a cog in the machine. Same for Harry, I guess. In his case it is a bit different because they are not an ordinary family and the eyes of the world and media are constantly on them. So from that point of view I agree with the statement. But I think it is a statement often used by a dysfunctional family to maintain compliance from the members. I fully understand and resonate with your dilemma about being made to feel responsible and yet having no actual power. It's a no-win situation.

From the parenting book I very much resonate with the giggling as stress release. And the power of laughter in general. I learned early as a child that if I could get mother to laugh she would not simultaneously be able to rage at me. Also the whole family seems unable to express appropriate emotions and we will all often laugh when others certainly would not. If I am failing at something when exercising with my coach, or finding it really hard, I will laugh. It does seem to ease tension.

i don't think your post was gushy, either, hope. i related to so many things on the post before, i couldn't read all of it - it was very triggering for me, but i'm glad you posted cuz it also helped cement some things for me. validation is always good. and, yeah, from where you were, how much you shared in the past, you've really come a long way.  a good thing to my mind.  thanks for being here. you are wonderful.  love and hugs :hug:

Not gushy at all, dear hope. Lovely to read and I'm so happy your parts are trusting you more and allowing you to write and hear more.

I agree with yoga. I can't with classes but it's been nice now that I can tolerate it at home.

Hope, really appreciate you sharing all the parts of the book you were reading that resonated with you.  Lots of things to think about in there.  Thank you  :hug:

I'm finding that I am feeling more comfortable with feelings in my body that would have previously frightened me - it's as if I now understand where they come from to some degree.  Also, I find that I can look at past events with a new lens - new perspective and understanding.

What you wrote above sounds like significant progress. 

I too feel the people in this forum are very empathetic and non-judgmental.  It's so helpful.

NarcKiddo  I appreciated what you said, and also the parts you related to in the books - I also think that the statement "Anything you do affects the whole family" is one that resonates with me - so much so, I felt I needed to repeat it.  I also think that humour is a helpful defence in situations - I found it helpful to learn some jokes when I was a child, so that I could be more popular in one of my schools.  Making people laugh was something that seemed a nice thing at the time.  Previously to that, I think that humour in the family for me was one where sarcasm was used quite a bit.  I didn't like that so much.

SanMagic Yes, there was a lot contained in the notes - I am glad that you found some of it helpful, and I think I maybe should have put some trigger warnings before it - it's always hard to know what will be triggering.  For me, a lot of the things about 'goodbyes' were very triggering.  But I was happy that there were some reasons put forward for why they might be so, and it helped me a lot to hear that. 

SanMagic, sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

Armee Thanks for what you said.  I am glad that you also enjoy and tolerate yoga at home.  I wish I'd discovered it earlier, but I don't think I was ready earlier really.  It took me a long time to relax my body sufficiently to be able to focus on helpful relaxing things within the yoga, and I'm only beginning to explore it.  But I do like it so far. 

Eireanne Thank you for saying that - I appreciate your hug too - thank you  :hug:

natureluvr Thank you so much - I do think it's been some progress.  I was glad to be reminded of it - as this morning I felt a bit like I was back to several squares before, but re-reading this and seeing things that people have written here, it's helped me feel more grounded again.  I agree with you that this forum is so helpful.

*************
10th August 2023
I got myself into a bit of a state this morning, and ended up crying infront of my partner.  I realise it was because parts of myself had blended with me, and 'acted out' some things - and my partner was the one who reacted to those things, and called me out on the behaviour that had come out of me.  But him doing that, meant another part of me was distraught and upset and confused and showed that.  Hence the tears.  What I heard my partner say was 'You worry about things before they've happened, and make them into worse things that are likely to be" - I acknowledged in my head, as he said this, 'Yes, he's right, I do' - I am so hypervigilant to things that can/could go wrong.  Usually those things are better than I anticipate they will be, but I have the whole stuff going on about 'what could happen'. 

He's gone out now, and I am thinking about it.  I don't feel too bad now.  I think that's good - because I feel sure that previously (in the past) I would have been left with feelings of abandonment, just by the fact he had to go out. 

I do think I'm co-dependent, but I must admit when I try to think of what that means, I'm not sure I understand the concept of what it even is.  I think to myself, it's not a bad thing to have some co-dependency with one's partner, it is surely ok.  Infact there's parts of me that really like that. 

Another thing was that there will be some 'in-laws' coming to visit during the Summer and I'm getting a bit worried about that.  How I'll cope and what questions they might ask me concerning my own FOO.  I hate that uncertainty of what people may or may not ask.  How I'll respond.  etc etc.  The fact I've begun to talk more about some issues from the past doesn't mean I am ready to talk to in-laws about the ins and outs of anything.  I am balancing along a beam is how it feels - and might fall off.

Last week I was shredding some old notes I'd made - and I nearly tore up a whole 'work-book' about my FOO that I'd created previously - containing a lot of notes that I'd made through different courses I'd attended and books I'd read and information I'd found (like a detective sourcing things that were helpful and meaningful, and notes that I can read back on an reflect).  There was a part of me that wanted me to get rid of them, (similar to when my partner says 'If only you could move on from it, and put it all behind you') yet, it's impossible to do that really (I feel).  Anyway, I shredded quite a few things, but thankfully NOT the work-book - I managed to keep hold of it, and I am glad about that, because I put a lot of work and effort into compiling stuff within it, and if I had shredded it, it would have been lost and memory can be tough to reconstruct.

Another thing that I found the other day was that different parts of myself now do talk and say things in my head, and I've noticed that they interact with each other such to discuss things in my life. 

Trigger warning: mentioning CSA
Regarding CSA I realise that different parts of myself have different views on this, i.e. whether it even actually happened, there is a part that literally says 'but what if it wasn't like that' 'were you confused about what was happening' etc  Then another part will express that it is definitely true that CSA happened, and can list the things that support that view.  Then there's the terrified part - who has no words, but 'feels' things.

On a positive note, I have been able to communicate with the terrified part in the night - it's happened a couple of times this week, and I feel the presence of the terrified part, and another part of me responds immediately and says 'You're welcome!'  'You'll be safe with us'  'I'm glad you're here' 'Come and lie safely and sleep peacefully' (peacefully wasn't a work I thought of just then, but some predictive text put it as a possible word, and I like it, so added that word).  I've found that to be very helpful, because the terrified part seems to respond and relax, and then I am able to get back to sleep without being affected by the fear and terror feelings.  It is definitely a bit of a revelation to have that change for me.  I am thankful. 

Hope  :)

So much of what you have written above resonates with me.

I, too, worry about things that might happen, and all of the increasingly bizarre "logical" follow-ons to those things, and work out how I would respond to them. I have often felt like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland (I think it is her - the one who screams and cries in advance of an injury so she doesn't have to do it when the injury occurs). I am working on this with my therapist. It was developed as a coping mechanism and maybe once it served some purpose. I am very wedded to it, still, and in my last therapy session tried to defend it to my therapist in some situations concerning my FOO. She has advised me to try to concentrate more on the fact that I am an adult and I can protect child me from the things I try to plan for. It is impossible to plan for every eventuality so by doing so I just exhaust myself, possibly for no benefit when my FOO does something even I have not been able to imagine in advance. The fact that you say usually things turn out better than you imagined (which also happens to me) tends to suggest that the advice from my therapist to me might be something you could try thinking about more.

I agree with you that it is fine to have some dependency on a partner. That is healthy. Relationships ebb and flow - there are times when one partner needs to depend on the other more, and vice versa. I guess the problems occur when each person gets stuck on their own tracks and feel they invariably *have* to respond to a partner in a certain way, or do certain things, or there will be some unwanted consequence.

People who wish we could just move on sort of have a point. I am sure many of us wish the same thing. But I think what others fail to understand is that CPTSD actually re-wires your brain. It is not just something you can walk away from. Of course you can develop new wiring in your brain but the old circuitry remains, even if not used, so it is easy for us to tap into the wrong circuit by mistake.

I hope the in-law visit goes well. I think that is an instance where it may pay off to thing about some things in advance (though whether my therapist would agree I don't know!). However, we all know people ask polite questions. Perhaps you don't need to think so much about exactly what they might ask (which you cannot predict) but rather think about some bland "stock" answers you can have. I assume they are not likely to start asking overly intrusive and personal questions from the get-go, so stock answers could range from purely factual information in reply, even if it does not quite fit the question asked (parents and siblings jobs, ages etc) to a conversation closure (my family did not really get along very well and I would rather not discuss them, thanks. Now, do tell me about your new car...). Maybe you could even ask your partner to help steer any conversations away from your FOO rather than encouraging them. Since he wishes you could leave it all behind you can point out that by removing them politely from present conversation with the in-laws he is helping with that endeavour.

I'm interested (and glad) to read that you have been able to communicate with the terrified part in the night. I find it hard to communicate with child me but I have had a couple of instances (always in the night) where child me is very upset and I have been able to calm her after a couple of false starts. I found it a very weird experience at first, because in the past I have been completely overtaken by child me and lain awake for ages. Having a small portion of adult me still available and able to comfort child me has been a revelation to me, too.

I am sorry you have been upset and struggling but I think your update contains a lot of positive and helpful insights. It seems like you are making good progress even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Sorry, this post has turned out a bit long, and maybe is a bit full of suggestions. I am very prone to try to make helpful suggestions but I realise that is not always the best thing. Please don't feel you need to respond to anything I have said and I will try to rein back my walls of text.

 :hug:

Hope, I read your update today and appreciate your reflections. 

Hi Hope,

Thank you for sharing about your parts. I'm glad that you're able to talk to them in the middle of the night and try to get them to relax, and that they hear you.

I think the work your doing is very important for you and I'm glad that you kept that journal to reflect on. I hope it helps you.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

That is just so cool that your parts are talking with and to one another now, especially that your terrified part listens and is able to calm in the night :thumbup:

I relate to so much of what you said. Well pretty much all of it.  :grouphug:

Especially the part about being worried about the in laws and what they might ask and how you might respond and not being ready to share yet. Similar to you I worry about these things a lot and then similar to what your partner points out and you noticed...usually the dreaded conversations don't even happen. Though I still think it's a bit useful to think about how you want to respond if something comes up before you are triggered.

I wish it were possible for people to understand that putting the past behind us and moving on 1. Isn't always possible 2. We want nothing more than to do that and 3. It's actually by taking it out from under the rug or wherever we shoved it to survive and really examining and processing it that we can actually successfully move on. Until then it will keep haunting us.

I also struggle with what you describe about some parts knowing and some having no idea. Last week I tried saying to my T (about little kid stuff) that I didn't know what that was in terms of things I've said before about it because I don't know what happened. He just looked at me and said "I know what it's about, but we won't go there until you're ready." Then of course I dissociated and later panicked. But it also felt good to parts that he knows and believes. Sometimes I say things or see things that make it sound like I know and sometimes I truly have no idea and believe nothing bad happened.

But ...the same thing happened for years about what I now know for sure happened when I was 19 in Greece. For years I would say things that alluded to this and I'd hear myself say these things and have no idea where this information was coming from, but when I'd say it it felt very true like it was coming from a very deep and certain spot inside me that just spoke right through me. And then later I'd be so confused about why I said those things because I had no knowledge of them.

So...I believe those parts of you that know. And I really get the parts that don't know. At first I couldn't tolerate those parts coexisting. It had to be all one or all the other. It sounds like you are in a good place with the sides that know and don't know. And yeah then there's the terrified part.  :grouphug:

I think you are doing great and am really happy you kept the workbook.

hope, i agree that i think it's great your parts are talking to each other. i also understand your hypervigilance - i'm there with you, unfortunately.  just trying to keep everyone inside safe in an anticipatory manner.  it sucks, tho.

you're doing so well, hope - it's wonderful to see how far you've come.  love and hugs :hug:

14th August 2023
Thank you everyone for what you wrote.  I have found everything so helpful, and really validating and it has warmed my heart to read your replies.  I thank you with many hugs  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thank you for the hug Armee and sending one back to you  :hug:
**********
20th August 2023
I have had a difficult few days, one way and another.  But today, I am feeling calmer and parts of me are feeling better.  I am relieved.  There were quite a lot of factors contributing - I don't feel like I can talk about them now, as I feel it would potentially stir up my parts again - and I really need to be calmer today.  I have stuff I need to do socially this afternoon, and that is going to be challenging anyway. 

I have done some nice things this morning.  I baked some muffins - I don't do that very often, but the recipe was really easy and they are baking now - and I think they will be hopefully nice. 

I just took them out of the oven, and they look really good.  I'll take some to the social gathering I'm attending later. 

Yesterday I wrote up some notes I'd written about the Vagus nerve, which was from a conference online by Dr Peter Kan.  I felt like I didn't put the notes in a very good/clear way - should have used bold print to show different talks etc - I think I was a bit triggered at the time I was writing them out. 

Anyway, I thought about that course, and thought that it had freaked me out a bit that Dr Kan had mentioned so many things that can go wrong with our systems - toxins, bacterial infections etc etc.  But anyway, I can see that he was wanting to make the point that there are quite a few things on the internet that launch straight into 'stimulating the vagus nerve' and he wanted to make the point that the root causes of the vagus nerve being out of kilter needed addressing.  He's a medical doctor I think? 

The talk that was given by Ari Whitten about the Vagus Nerve and Stress Resiliency was the one that I felt most positive about. He really suggested that stress could be seen as a challenge and therefore building up resiliency by doing various things (e.g. keeping moving, weight bearing movements and strengthening) and doing cognitive challenges etc, they were all positive things.  I like his positivity.

I have to go now, as my partner has just got back.  Maybe we'll taste a muffin to see how they are.  Cup of coffee and a Sunday morning muffin.  Sounds good.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Your muffins sound delicious. I'm glad you found it relaxing to do some baking.

I think I'm on board with Dr. Kan's assessment about the vagus nerve being stimulated for a variety of reasons, but understand the unknown can bring up some anxiety. I's always felt like I had a lot of "body" anxiety, I don't know how to describe it. Maybe I felt/knew it was off because I didn't always have it? Toxins, like mycotoxins which I'm detoxing from, can be neurotoxic and affect our central nervous system (as well as digestive nervous system). After detoxing the past while, I've felt a reduction in that body anxiety. It could also be helped by the microdosing as it's supposed to help the CNS as well. Gluten was another big anxiety factor that reduced when I cut it out. Annie Hopper wrote a book about rewiring our CNS after mold/mycotoxins/toxic exposure because of the effect it can have. There were other symptoms present for me like digestive issues, weight gain, but had great success working with a functional medicine practitioner who helped find the root cause. Anyways, I hope this doesn't cause anxiety, I just wanted to share some more detail about the process Dr. Kan might be talking about as it was very helpful to me and my emotional state.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Dollyvee,
I am grateful to you for mentioning about Annie Hopper's book about Mold/mycotoxins/toxic exposure - as I have been in contact with environments where there was quite a bit of mould in the past, and I was quite ill as a result of that for some time.  I wonder if there are still effects now - even though I've been out of those environments for a few years.  I might have a look at that book sometime.  I'm glad that you've been able to do some detoxing, and that you've felt a reduction in your body anxiety as a result of that.  It sounds like it's been effective for you. 

What you wrote hasn't added any anxiety to me, as I feel ok about what Dr Kan was saying.  I think I was more anxious about feeling a bit overwhelmed that I couldn't take in all his medical terms whilst he was explaining everything - he did give some very detailed talks, and I must admit that I was not always concentrating that well, and therefore missed quite a bit. 

***********
22nd August 2023
I had to change what I wrote then, as I actually wrote October!  This represents some anxiety I have about the month of September.  There is a lot going to happen for me in that month, and I am feeling anxious about it.

I have been comfort eating as a result, and I am gaining weight.  I don't like it.  I need to stop doing that.  But it's challenging.  I really think if I negotiate my way through September ok, then I'll feel a great sense of relief in October.  But I don't want to wish time away, because time is precious. 

There was a u-tube video I watched today by Alina Frank who was demonstrating EFT for Sexual trauma with a participant, and I joined in with the EFT tapping for three quarters of that session - but had to stop as my partner returned home.  Although the words the participant said didn't match my own experience - I still think it was helpful.  I am trying to do EFT tapping every day, and also some meditation too. 

I found that the one day I missed doing some of that, that my parts weren't happy and I felt like they acted out to get my attention.

I must admit that I've had one part who seems to have become more present lately - and she (when blended with me) makes me cry and by quite child-like.  I am worried that I won't be able to control her presence, and that I will feel embarrassed to behave that way infront of someone.  It did happen last week - I can't talk more about it as there's another part that feels too embarrassed.

I've also had a great sense of 'grief' and 'despondency' - feeling like that's another part that is strongly expressing feelings currently - and that's been tough.

I'm ok though.  I've had some nice moments in the day - and enjoyed them.  So that's been good.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad it wasn't upsetting for you to read that  :hug: My experience and understanding is that it stays in your system until you take binders to remove and recirculates through your bile ducts. It's also possible to have MARCONS in the nasal cavity. Apparently 25% of the population is unable to detox them (and the byproducts of lyme etc). Dr. Ritchie Shoemaker and Dr. Neil Nathan (he has some pretty far out theories but who knows) suggest that the rise of autoimmune disorders and things like fibromalagyia can be attributed to homes becoming more energy efficient and less breathable, which locks in the airborne mycotoxins. IMO it's a lot more common than people realize but no one is really linking it back to mold. My GI listened though and is actually going to try my binders etc.

It's great that you're progressing with your tapping and finding relief in it. It sounds like there are some things coming up and I hope you have the space to deal with those things.  :hug:

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Dollyvee,  Thanks so much for your reply and I am glad that your GI has listened and is going to try your binders etc.  That sounds good.

Yes, I am definitely going to continue with the tapping, as it does give me some relief and I find it a helpful window to communicating with my parts as well - it's like they can all communicate/hear me when I'm tapping - both the ones who feel able to talk and the ones who don't.  I feel different ones react at different times.  It's interesting and I value it.

***********
I have struggled to be able to write anything here for a while - but that's because there's been too much going on for me in my life currently and I have felt overwhelmed by that. 

I think I may resort to a break from technology/digital stuff for the month of September - and that way I'll be able to attend to things that need my attention, and I can't be distracted too much from doing the things I need to do.  There are some things in September that feel very anxiety provoking, BUT I also feel that I will be able to cope and get through them.  But I think I need to just focus on each day and give it sufficient attention to be in the 'here and now'.  Easier said than done.  I don't think I'll manage that.  But still, I can try...

I think I'll post in the section that says I'll be away for a while - I hope to be back online in October.  A fresh month then.  I hope that I will be able to say some positive things about the month of September - but whatever happens, it will be a new month in October, and I look forward to catching up then.

Hope  :)

Sending lots of wishes of support for you managing through September and I look forward to having you back when you can

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much  :hug:

3rd October 2023
September was actually ok - there were quite a few potentially stressful things within it, and I wasn't sure how I'd cope - but I did cope ok!  So I am happy about that.  I also enjoyed a rest from digital stuff, it was refreshing. 

I have ordered the book that is about Dissociation and IFS by Joanne Twombley and hope it will arrive in a few days.  I haven't done any reading about stuff in the month of September, but think I'd like to try that book. 

I did read some people's journals yesterday, but didn't feel able to write anything - just read.  But I felt like I caught up a bit, and enjoyed re-connecting even though I didn't actually participate.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thank you Not Alone, I appreciate your hug very much  :hug:  :hug:

Welcome back Hope :hug:   I'm glad you had a good digital break.

So nice to see you back Hope.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry & Moondance,
Thank you  :hug:  :hug:
Hope  :)

Just popped back to put a link to a video that I hope to watch later, and if it's really good (as I suspect it will be, as I've watched just 5 minutes of it - and think it will be useful) - I'll put it in the resources section of the forum (providing it is), but this is the link:

https://vimeo.com/646562391/4c66549277?share=copy

It's an "Interview with somatic psychologist Dr Arielle Schwartz on parts work and how it integrates into the biology'.

In the first five minutes, she was talking about self-sabotaging and how there is often conflict there from less prominent parts.  I think it's going to be a good talk, and I am book-marking it in my journal, so I can come back later and watch it.

I can't do that right now, as I need to do some domestic tasks. 

I really like the work of Dr Arielle Schwartz, she makes things easy to understand, and I relate to her.  I'm thankful she is so interested in the subject of complex PTSD.

Hope  :)

Thank you for the resource Hope67. I'm glad you thought of us here.

I'll make this my first "listen" of the day.

:hug: 

Hi Lakelynn,
I hope you enjoyed listening to it.  I watched it through late this morning, and thought it was helpful for me.  I like her enthusiasm and related to the things she was saying. 

Hope  :)

Hope67,

This has to be the pinnacle for me so far. I LOVED IT, my daughter loved it and we had a great conversation about it. Yes, the enthusiasm of both Drs hit right on target. This has so many ideas, both in theory and practice that I can hardly contain myself. Going to watch it again and again.

Keep sharing your discoveries.  :cheer:

Hi Hope,

Welcome back  :cheer: I'm glad you enjoyed your time away. I'm going to have a listen to the link you posted, thanks for sharing. I do feel like there is self-sabtotaging present at times (and then of course the shame spiral for doing it).

Sending you hug back  :hug:
dolly

Hi Lakelynn,
I am so happy to hear that you and your daughter enjoyed watching and listening to the interview.  I have looked up a few of her things on utube, and always enjoy what she shares.  I have also read her book about Complex CPTSD and thought it was excellent.  She writes so clearly.  Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you for your Welcome - and I appreciate the hug too.  I hope you enjoy watching that podcast/utube video, if you get chance to see it.   :hug:

**********
11th October 2023
I watched a session of yoga last night with Dr Arielle Schwartz, it was called 'Vagus Nerve Yoga: Embodied Compassion' and lasted over an hour.  She read a poem at the beginning and end of that practice, called 'The Homecoming' and I found the second time she read it (i.e. after participating in the hour long yoga practice for embodied compassion that I felt very emotional when listening to the poem at the end - although it hadn't had the same effect on me when I first heard it.

I definitely want to repeat that session again - maybe make it something I might do each week - because it was really good to try the different movements, and to feel my way into them.  I think it was good for me.  Also, it was quite strenuous, as she does some quite difficult yoga moves - I had to adapt my moves a lot to cope.  i.e. I need to do more yoga and get better at it.  But I know she talks about not feeling you have to do things perfectly, as she is very trauma informed in her delivery of things, and I very much value that.

My heart rate variability measures have gone up to the low 40's in the past couple of weeks - it's really great, as I was often between 15 to 20 before!  So it's improved a lot.  I have also improved on my sleep - used to get just under 7 hours but now I have between 7.5 and 8 hours.  I feel more energised as a result.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm so glad you found some relief and connection to your body with the yoga practices. It sounds like it was a powerful session.

I did end up watching the session and was quite affirming to see that there are lots of people who struggle with these things.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Hope,  glad to hear you are getting more sleep !!   Thank you for sharing the yoga session,  i am going to try that,  sending you some sunshine and positive vibes for a great weekend !!   :sunny:  :sunny:

Hi Dollyvee,
Since I watched that yoga session, I've not managed to do it again, but I intend to do it, or a similar one, sometime soon.  I'm glad you watched it and found it to be interesting.  Thank you for sending me support, I appreciate it. 

Hi Larry,
Thank you so much for the sunshine  :sunny: and the good wishes for a nice weekend.  I appreciate that. 

**********
28th October 2023
I watched a trauma session which was by the NICABM (not sure what that stands for - I didn't write it down) but they are doing a series about Mastering The Treatment of Trauma, and they are free to watch at specific times, and I managed to watch one that was called 'A Stain on the Soul' Why Moral Injury Requires a Different Treatment Plan than PTSD."  I just wanted to write a few notes here, as it was helpful to me - I think they were talking about how violating a moral code - would mean someone could suffer more.  Experience more shame, guilt and self-hatred.  Find it uncomfortable to talk about. Negative judgement, lack of compassion.  Someone called Wyatt Evans has written a book called 'Moral Injury Work Book' (not sure if I'll get hold of it - but noting it just incase I change my mind).

What I noticed was that they talked about processing emotions so they can pass from the body.  e.g. Guilt - where is it felt in the body.  What is it like.  Where has an emotion like that turned up in the past.  What did he/she do?

I should have taken more notes, as that was all I wrote - but basically I felt like on top of my C-PTSD, I also relate to moral injury - in that a lot of society (in my view) they judge someone sometimes for not having a solid relationship - particularly the mother-daughter - or father-daughter dynamic.  To not have such a solid or positive relationship - that holds a lot of stigma/judgement (potentially) from society.  Therefore, to have difficulties in that area, I think it does represent moral injury.  I remember my parents talking a lot about the 10 commandments - and 'honouring thy parents' (my words, not the actual words) - and therefore to have anything that doesn't match that standard, it's got a lot of negative stuff on it.

They also gave an example (trigger warning, mentioning CSA) about incest and how an elder child might bargain with the family (perpetrator of abuse) not to abuse the younger siblings, yet when the elder child is able to leave the family, then they go, even though they are likely to know that the younger siblings are then likely to be abused by those perpetrators.  Therefore the one who leaves has some moral injury feelings - guilt about not saving their siblings - even though they were all children, and victims of abuse.

Anyway, I related to these issues, even though I was a younger sibling remaining in such a system - someone I held onto guilt that I was the one who remained in the family system, and that my elder sibling was somehow ejected out.  Although I wasn't told what happened, so had to piece together things.

Anyway, watching all of this discussed in the session, made me think about it, and I talked about the moral injury feelings with my partner, and he told me that I shouldn't take responsibility for any of those things, as I was the child.  I am not responsible for my parents, and shouldn't have been made to feel as it I was.  I wasn't responsible for my sister either. 

I know this makes sense, but I still have so many feelings of guilt about stuff.  But at least having another label to understand why this stuff is so hard, it's helpful.  I'm glad I watched that session.  I think it's helping me to process more things, and more memories have come up about it.

I felt some anger towards my M as well - remembering an incident when she was particularly cruel with her words.  I thought that it was so unfair that she treated me that way.  I felt anger.  I think it's good that I felt this anger, as many times I think about her and feel guilt.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thank you for this, Hope

Yes, thank you, Hope. I keep seeing adverts for NICABM content on my Facebook feed. It looks interesting but I have not signed up in case I get endlessly spammed.

The concept of moral injury is interesting. My mother very much plays the "I am your one and only mother" card (Thank God - I certainly would not want more than one of her...) and also has always said that only blood family can be trusted. Given how emotionally untrustworthy they are it is little wonder I now trust nobody. And I see a lot of stuff online suggesting that people who criticise their families are in the wrong, or that even if they have been abused by their blood relations they should just suck it up and forgive, because "family".

I agree that you were not responsible for your parents or your sister, but I totally resonate with the guilt. I was made to feel responsible for my mother and my younger sister.

What a coincidence, Hope! I was in a meeting with a friend Saturday, and she read some of the transcript of that seminar. Bessel Van Der Kolk, Judith Herman, and I think about 2 or 3 others spoke on it. Moral injury is a very interesting concept, I think. I'm waiting for her to send me a copy of the transcript so I can read the rest. Did you get a copy, or would you like a copy when I get it? The transcript was free. PM if you want one.

Hi Armee, NarcKiddo and CactusFlower,
Thank you for what you each said.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

30th October 2023
I'm wondering how to best approach the feelings of guilt I've had recently re: my relationship with my M.  I am wondering if perhaps it's a part who carries the guilt who has ended up blending with me recently - probably when I found the skirt again - whilst looking through my wardrobe.  Another part had literally made me believe previously that I'd torn/ripped that skirt up and thrown it away.  I believed that for a while.  BUT, the skirt was just hidden in the back in a drawer - inside the wardrobe.  So I had just hidden it!  I think it's triggered more thoughts of her again, and the guilt is back again.  Maybe it never really went away, but I had had periods of time when I rarely thought of her so much.  Those were nice times!

I've also been considering the fact that 'anger' and 'guilt' seem tied up with each other.  One is underneath the other, and they seem to flow up and down in their dominance.  So that is a complication too.  I have always felt that anger was repressed for me, and not allowed.  Therefore if I do feel any anger, then guilt accompanies it immediately.

CactusFlower - thank you for your suggestion of the transcript - I think I won't look at one though, as I feel like I don't want to read extra stuff at the moment, but I will certainly pm you, if I change my mind.  I really appreciate you suggesting that.   :hug:

(Interesting that I actually feel like seeing the transcript would show me how much of the talk I didn't take in, and I can remember parts of it, and know that I only selected very small parts of what was said - hence there's some resistance in me to access the transcript, as parts of me will feel bad.)

Hope  :)

31st October 2023
I think I might have been in an EF - heavily laden with guilty feelings - when I last wrote.  I feel a lot better today - don't seem to be experiencing the guilty feelings today.

I did think about what might have triggered the previous EF, and I think it was a combination of being reminded of my M (finding that skirt in my wardrobe), and also the occasional times in the night that I wake up and find myself thinking about her.  Plus I had visited my MIL on the weekend, and I think that seeing her being older, and more vulnerable in her older age, had made me think about my relationship with my own M. 

BUT, I am not able to have a relationship with my M.  That isn't possible for me.  There are many parts of myself that feel anguish and horror at the thought of any contact with her, and thankfully - being estranged - I don't need to have contact.

Guilt does remain, but thankfully today - I don't feel it so much.

I've had some enjoyable moments in the day today - also been smiling about some Halloween outfits I've seen out and about.  Very rainy though.  Storms are due this week - Wednesday and especially Thursday.  I hope everyone keeps safe.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're feeling better about processing things. If it's any consolation, I maybe feel a similar sense of dread (and all that guilt) about dealing with my own family. Who do I think I am?! Having my own life and all that where I get to feel good. It just reminds me of the crushing responsibility I felt for other people growing up. As my second t said, who's life is it anyways?

Sending you support and a hug  :hug:
dolly

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings regarding that similar sense of dread.  I like what your second t said, in asking 'Who's life is it anyways?' that's a really helpful question!  I also appreciate your support and that hug - thank you  :hug:

***********
11th November 2023
I think I've been processing more things in the past couple of weeks - because my dreams have been happening most nights, and there's been themes where family members have been present - and I've managed to survive those dreams, and be relieved that in waking moments, they are not there! 

I have been reading a book called 'Gaslighting' which I think I might have borrowed before, and not managed to read previously - but this time, I am ready to read it, and it is eye-opening for me.  I might quote a few things from it, here in my journal, but for now I'll just write it as a reminder that I'm reading it, and finding it helpful.

It's helpful to challenge some of the guilt feelings I was experiencing.  Also, I discovered that underneath the guilt there was definite feelings of anger!  I had been watching a video online about embodied somatic therapy - and I think it was Pat Ogden talking about movements that some clients instinctively make.  Anyway, I ended up moving around the room whilst watching and listening to the video, and I ended up just making some movements instinctively - and in my imagination I ended up feeling as if I was (trigger warning - as mentioning a violent motion) -


I was literally punching my M and my F in the head/face. 

I would never do anything violent to anyone - I don't think so.  I am a very non-violent person, but in my mind, I was doing that, and acting out the action with my fist and arm - and it actually felt quite good!

Anyway, it happened, and I thought I'd share that I did that here, as I felt sure someone here would understand.  I actually think it's quite positive for me to express some of my anger towards my biological parents.

I bought myself a plant today - it is colourful and pretty, and I really like it.  I haven't done something like that for a long time.  It was good to treat myself in that way.

Hope  :)

congratulations on the new plant !!     ;)

That's fantastic Hope! Even though you would never act aggressively in person, to make those movements and start to get them out sounds potentially hugely healing.....to make self-protecting movements you couldn't make me when the traumas were occurring. I recall when I was doing a trauma yoga class and I was supposed to push my arms up but that's a super triggering movement and somehow instead I started shoving them away from me...that was the exact moment when I could turn the anger off of myself and onto the perpetrators. It was a really powerful turning point. I hope the same is true for you.  :hug:

Hi, Hope ...

I also know that feeling you're describing. If there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's stooping to violent means of expression. But this emotional/imaginary reaction can happen, and when it does, the after effect feels good. The actual triggering trauma still lies behind the present pain, but the release from allowing one's mind to unleash what was fearfully hiden while not actually harming another does wonders for one's soul.

So Congrats, and thanks for sharing the power of present mind over old wounds. In one sense, they may finally feel more distant, as they should.

Hi Larry - thank you so much.  The plant is something I am enjoying having in my space - it is lovely.  I hope to look after it.  :hug:

Hi Armee - thank you!  I do think it was a healing thing.  Thank you for sharing your experiences in that trauma yoga class.  Especially saying that you were able to 'turn the anger off of' yourself and 'onto the perpetrators' - that is huge.  A powerful turning point.  I think mine was also a form of turning point which I feel is helpful.  :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you.  You're right, the after effect of this emotional/imagery reaction did feel good!  I also like what you said about the 'power of present mind over old wounds' - and I do feel more distance now, which is good!   :hug:

***********
13th November 2023
I have been thinking back to some therapy I had a few years ago, thanks to Woodsgnome's post (elsewhere in the forum) - thank you Woodsgnome, it was very thought provoking.  I wanted to talk a bit more about some of the thoughts I'd had.

I was thinking that I feel quite creatively blocked by my trauma.  This goes back to experiences at school in a painting situation - I won't repeat it here, as I don't want to evoke the feelings and emotions that go along with it, but it was a young me who experienced it, and I think it affected me more than I realised.  I have written about it before in the forum anyway.  But I also think that subsequently as I grew up and shared any Art work, that it was more to elicit some kind of praise from a teacher, rather than for 'myself' - this makes me feel a bit ashamed.  But it is how I feel.

Now, I can only really do Art if I'm part of an Art group.  i.e. I'll participate and 'do' whatever is asked of me in a group, but in terms of using my paints at home, I don't start anything/do anything.  I'd love to do some drawing, and some Art (painting) but I don't.

Because I'd seen my old T doing some Art in an open space once - I was surprised to see her, and didn't realise she did Art.  But it made me think that she was so brave to be there in an open place, just painting!  It makes me wonder whether to go back to see her for therapy - because I feel like my block is due to my trauma - and therefore a typical Art group wouldn't necessarily be the place to go to overcome this block.

I also would love to be able to write short stories, but again, I feel that having my childhood stories burned by my F (even though it was claimed it was accidental) has really made me end up blocked from being able to try to write something.  I have attended a creative writing class before, but again, I can write in that situation, but NOT when left to my own devices at home.  I seem to be stuck/blocked.

I also feel that my language when writing is stilted and therefore doesn't flow very well.  Therefore I am critical of it anyway. 

I think this is quite brave of me to be writing of these things in my journal - as it's open to viewing - and parts of me are advising me that my FOO members might see it and recognise me from what I've written, but I am going to say 'So what' - it's unlikely, and all I'm doing is talking about my writer's and artist's blocks!

Hope  :)

Hello, Hope.

So much of what you have written recently resonates with me.

I took up boxing a few years ago and it has done me the world of good. I don't actually fight and would never want to. But I hit the bag or (more frequently) work with a coach who holds pads for me to hit. People at the gym always ask me who I am pretending to hit as I go so hard on the bag. In truth I don't pretend I am hitting anyone, though I would be quite happy to pretend if I found it helpful. For me I think the benefit lies in just having something to do with all my pent up adrenaline and stress from my hair trigger fight/flight response. So I am not surprised that you found benefit from those physical motions.

I think it is very brave of you to write about your experiences of art and writing. I hope you can find a way to unblock some of it because it sounds like these activities could be beneficial. I took up creative writing some years ago. I have periods of total block but when it comes it floods out. Art is more recent and I had huge difficulty with it a) because my childhood art was dismissed as daubs by my mother and b) because my mother enjoys art work and shoves it all under my nose for praise. I discussed this a lot with my therapist and in the end decided to have a go at adult colouring books. I'd read that it can be therapeutic and help with mindfulness. I can't do meditation and the like so the colouring appealed. That broke the block for me. I really enjoyed it and have started art classes, which I am enjoying. The art classes involve homework. Although my husband is very encouraging I still fear openly doing my art at home, but having homework makes it feel as if I am "allowed" to do it and that helps me. So I am just sharing all of this in case any of it might be helpful for you.

It really does sound as if you are wanting to find a way to do some of these activities, so I hope you find a way that works for you. There is nothing stilted about your writing on the forum - it is always well-crafted and easy to read.

I'm so sad to hear your F burned your writings when you were little.

I think it sounds like a great idea to see if you could work with your old T on art.

I don't want to make this post about my process with music therapy but I did it for similar reasons. It has been helpful. I'll try to write about it on my own journal today.

It's really impressive and strong and progress that you have been able to write so much. I love seeing it.

 :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo,  I am so grateful to you for sharing the things that have helped you in relation to creativity, and also for mentioning about the boxing too - that sounds like a good way to get feelings out.  I might think about that!  You mentioned the adult colouring books - I tend to do dot-to-dots, as it has a meditative aspect to it, but I know that my smaller parts are always excited when they spot what the dot-to-dot figure/subject is - and it feels as if we all created it somehow.  So I do relate to that.  I am so sorry about how your mother reacted to your art when a child, and how she pushes her own art - that is not nice of her to do that.  Very uncaring I think.  I am so glad that you've been able to start doing art classes and that you managed to break the block.  That is great  :cheer:   Thank you also for what you said about my writing, and that you don't think it sounds stilted.  I appreciate you saying that.   :hug:

Hi Armee,  Thank you so much for what you said, and also for mentioning your process with music therapy - I will hope to pop over to your journal sometime and read what you wrote there about it, as I would find it interesting (but no worries if you decided not to write about it afterall, that's ok too of course!)  You are so kind to say what you said - thank you  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, I appreciate so much that you came by and sent that hug, it is lovely - thank you  :hug:

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16th November 2023
Very appreciative of what people said here - thank you all  :grouphug:

Hope  :)

1st December 2023
I have had so many up and down emotions today - I can't necessarily notice what the exact triggers are, but I'm thinking maybe it's because there are so many festive things going on, and that's behind it.  What was good about today was that I took some action - by asking my partner to accompany me on a walk, and I felt a lot better after walking outside for a while in his company.  I also managed to tell him about how I'd been feeling as well - later on, and although I felt emotional as I told him about it, it was actually good to have talked about it with him.  He was understanding.  That was good.  He is very understanding, and I appreciate that.

I think it's likely that it has been like this on previous years, but maybe I've not 'felt' it so much - I am feeling things more now.  I see that as an improvement, but it's still challenging to negotiate my way through that.

I am feeling not to bad right now, but just wanted to write about it here in my journal, to remember it.  I want to write more, and hope to do so another day.  I have been reading some books that have been helping me, and want to share some of my thoughts on that experience of doing that reading.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thank you so much SanMagic, I appreciate that hug very much  :hug:

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4th December 2023
I have been having quite a few very realistic dreams lately - I think I wrote some dream themes in a different part of this forum, and I might look back for that, and add to it - I want to put it in a different place to my journal, as the content is a bit shame/embarrassing inducing for me, but I intend to write about it, because I think it's got some themes that are relevant to my processing of past issues.  Therefore, this is a note to myself to 'do that' - i.e. find that thread and add to it - hopefully later today - if I can get chance to do that.

Hope  :)

Regarding your first December post, I agree that feeling things more is probably an improvement. It may not always be the most welcome improvement if what you are feeling at any given time is unpleasant, but at least it is authentic.

Dream themes are interesting. I keep promising myself to journal all of mine that I can remember but I rarely get round to doing so while I can actually remember anything much.

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thanks for what you said.  I agree that dream themes are really interesting.  Thank you also for what you said about feeling things being 'authentic' - I agree.  It is authentic, and that is, I think, progress.

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10th December 2023
I just haven't been able/allowed myself the time to come here to write the things I would like/intend to write.  I'd really hoped to come back later that day when I last wrote, but now it's several days later, and I didn't manage it. 

However, that's ok - I will get round to it eventually - I think there's been quite a lot of movement for me in terms of some realisations lately.  I definitely do want to document those in my journal - to hold onto them, and remember them.  Therefore, I think that I'll manage it before the end of this year.  There's still a good chunk of December to go, even though it seems to be passing incredibly quickly this year!

I have got some nice things happening this week, so I am going to try to enjoy them, and not give myself any expectations or 'shoulds' - and go with the flow of seeing what happens with the events. 

I'm also giving myself a bit of a break from reading - because I have quite a few things I need to do, and therefore I need to attend to those things.  I can then allow myself some time to enjoy some reading over the holiday period.  Or even in the New Year.

I feel quite positive today.  It's a nice feeling.

Hope  :)

It's lovely that you feel positive today and that it's a good feeling! :)  :hug:

Thanks Blueberry, it is a good feeling!   :hug:

just stopping by to say hi  :heythere: , and i hope you're doing ok.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

Happy New Year :)

I hope you're having some space to deal with your realizations over the last few weeks and find some time for yourself.

Enjoy your break  :hug:

dolly

Hi Hope. Just dropping in to say hi.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Dollyvee and Not Alone,
Thank you so much for what you each said.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

I am going to start a new journal for 2024, so this will be my final entry in this 2023 journal. 

Hope  :)