It's time for a new Journal. I know I had 2 possible topics in mind. I can't even find one of them though I knnow I wrote it in the previous Journal. The other possible topic was Caring for Myself or something like that.
Now it's just New Journal. [5th Jan 2023: ETA - New title: Doing Things for ME Journal]
Some of my office stuff is still in my office, waiting to be sorted before I bring it upstairs into my apt, but the main move is done. Big change: I feel safer when I'm on my computer. Nobody can see me where I'm sitting whereas everybody wandering by could see me on my computer in the office. I didn't feel consciously unsafe, but unconsciously I must have felt so. And: w/o even trying I'm not pulling my hair out much if at all. Certainly not while on computer. So apparently SH was connected to where I was translating or surfing around, not to what I was doing.
I slept about 12 hours last night and straight through to noon. I suppose I needed it. I have a bit of ear-ache and a tickly throat. I know I should do a Corona test, I knew this a couple of hours ago, but my energy plummeted at the thought of doing it. That's unlikely to do with the impending result, it's much more likely to be connected to the process of taking the test - all the little steps.
I had a good Christmas, a nice Christmas. Zero to do with FOO. I did think about my niece who is my god-daughter but decided not to run the risk of destabilising myself by sending Christmas wishes to her via B2, her father.
This week is usually a bit of limbo time, in fact here it's called 'between the years'.
I spent the past 24 hours sleeping, reading, doing crossword puzzles, eating chocolate and ignoring the chaos in my apt not to mention the remains of stuff in my office. The chaos in my apt is caused by the stuff I've brought up from my office and not put away or found a spot for. I haven't spoken to or otherwise contacted anybody for over 24 hours. It's past midnight here so certainly won't be phoning anybody. But reaching out here instead :wave: Though I have also communicated with my furbabies.
Yesterday I watched a youtube video about narcs. Jerry Wise "22 Rules of a Dysfunctional Narcissistic Family". No wonder I didn't want to get out of bed today and/or zoned out for most of it. I'll give that video a TW! Triggers by definition. Though it was useful for me to watch.
:heythere: That's awesome that you feel safer at your computer where it is located now. :hug:
:wave:
:wave:
:wave: :hug: Thank goodness for our furbabies!
Hi Blueberry,
I hope to watch that video you mentioned, but I think I'll wait a couple of days, as you mentioned it's quite triggering.
I popped by to wish you and your furbabies the best for 2023, and to send you a heartfelt hug too, if that's ok! :hug: This is one for the furbabies too, if they're ok with hugs :grouphug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope, Thank you for all the hugs! The furbabies are not into real hugs but virtual ones are much appreciated, especially if there is a carrot somehow involved! Actually what they most need rn is to be cleaned out but my apt is such a mess since I moved my office up into it and I am so unmotivated that it's going to be pretty difficult to do so.
Thank you also for the good wishes for 2023, I wish the same for you :hug:
I wanted to write some things about myself but find I'm unable to. Well, there are concrete things to get on with, so maybe that?
Best wishes for the New Year, Blueberry :hug:.
I can very much relate to you feeling safer now your computer's in a different location. Where I sit and work has a big impact on me too. Years ago I worked in a big office, and in hindsight I constantly felt unsafe and hypervigilant. I mostly didn't recognise this at the time. I'm glad you now feel safer. :hug:
Thank you Snowdrop! Best wishes for you too. :hug:
It's often that way for me - not realising till after the fact how disturbing a situation was for me.
______________________
The furbabies' massive living quarters are partially cleaned out. I put some papers thru the shredder. First time I've used it tho I've had it for idk 8 years maybe? Me and machines... At least one smallish cardboard box is emptied as well as one large grocery-sized paper bag. There may be other stuff to shred, probably is in fact, but that's all I had pre-sorted.
I was meant to be out of my office by yesterday. Actually I was, but LL didn't want to come by and do the official hand-over, for which I was inwardly grateful. So I was shredding papers in there a couple of hours ago and have put my laundry racks back in there to do a laundry or three and get them dry over night. LL won't come today - it's Sunday and a public holiday ;D
A couple of days ago water was coming into my bedroom and dripping onto an old table near the window. LL came at my request and after going up the scaffolding outside my window, opined the water wasn't actually going to come thru the ceiling and suggested I put a bucket under the drip. There were actually several drips... Anyway, I did put up a bucket and mopped up the mess with towels. Yesterday the H of a friend dropped by to help me dismantle a few things from my office like a sign on the exterior wall. But he also went up the scaffolding, found out what was wrong and did a provisional repair by nailing a few thick plastic sheets above my window so that when it rains the water runs down them and drips outward from my window rather than in toward it. Really, LL should have done that, or called the building co. back to do it, even tho they're on holiday till Jan. 8th. But of course LL just wants me out so doesn't have much incentive
It's stressful atm. Tenants' Rights told me last appt to stay put, no matter what. Until they sort something further with LL, but that could take a while. TR is on holiday till Jan. 8th. I don't blame them at all! They need their break as much as everybody else. I also have to provide them with some more information before they can move on anything substantial - to the tune of thousands of euros to cover my move and additional rent elsewhere, but knowing I won't be coming back here. Because that would involve just another fight with LL. Legally, he has to take me back, but... He also has to cover my move and the rent for an interim place but as I say TR would arrange a settlement with him instead.
I have my eye on rental accommodation atm which is also kind of stressful cuz I just have my eye out, but will probably be waiting till at least mid-Jan. maybe Feb. to move. You generally have to show proof of employment and 3 months' of pay slips and that kind of thing to a future LL. I have none of that - just my disability pension which covers my present rent but only about half of any new rent. But anyway, the next laundry will be finished, better go and hang it up.
As I was reading, I experienced stress at the various timelines and processes and dynamics present for you right now. I hope that things work out the best they can.
dang, blueberry, what a load you are carrying. no wonder your energy level is so low. i do hope you don't have covid/corona, but feeling ill can make everything else more difficult, heavier, and exhausting. here's wishing you a year w/ less - less pain, less stress, less mental/emortional disturbance. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you san :hug: I don't have Covid/corona fortunately. Thank you for your good wishes for 2023 too. I guess that my emotional disturbance might go down as my healing goes forward? Healing-going-forward depends just a little on my own work-on-self. Seem to be taking a break from the latter but coming onto the forum reminds me to cut myself some slack on that front. Probably need this break of hanging about not doing much for some reason.
Thank you rainydiary for commenting. It helps me to know my situation would be stressful for others. It helps me to remember that I'm not sure how I would have weathered it even 6 months ago never mind a year ago.
_______________
I have literally piles of unsorted papers hanging around. I did clear a small box of bits of mostly (scraps of) papers yesterday, a box from which I took some examples to psycho T a few weeks ago. So it is a step that I've now been able to throw most of it out.
idk a couple of days ago I suppose I managed to clear about a quarter of the pages out of a binder, but really it would make better sense to clear up loose papers. I don't seem to work with rationality when doing this type of task though. At least the binder weighs a bit less now ;) Clearing both the binder and the small box involves saying 'goodbye' to teaching resources I didn't mostly end up using. Some of the papers I had copied and/or collected in order to make teaching material but then never did. And/or didn't complete the making of. I did make plenty of my own teaching material though! It was time-consuming so it's not surprising that I didn't use all of the materials I collected.
I also know that some of those materials I made and used with my students, well, some of those I was partially making and using for my Inner Children. I did have children and sometimes adult students who enjoyed working with those materials. But seeing my Inner Children where involved, it's easier to understand why I've been hanging onto this stuff and why it's still hard to let go. But at least I have let some go :cheer:
Then there are some other piles, e.g. of notes I made from sessions at video conferences on recovery. I don't seem to be able to throw them away, tho I don't read them either. Until I do, then see that 'oh yeah, that resonates' so I'm going to type on up on the forum and see what, if anything, it does for me. Once it's typed I know I'll be able to throw out those 2 sheets of paper. :)
So new title of my journal could be either: Doing things FOR ME or Light, Space and Colour in my apt.
The latter is kind of a sub-section to the former. It's also a goal I developed early on in last year's clinic stay. It was great to spend weeks in a pretty much uncluttered space! I would notice clutter - especially papers - creeping up on me there in my room, on my table, in a bag or my suitcase and then I would deal with it. I also had lots of colour on my walls with all the artwork I did while there and the cards I got. Alot of light came into the room too.
Doing things FOR ME is also a subsection to Light, Space and Colour because doing beneficial things for me like bit-by-bit decluttering will lead to more space!
A beneficial thing I finally did today was go and have a shower and wash my hair! Makes me feel better. makes me feel more presentable in public so that I'm more likely to go out and about which makes me more likely to bump into someone I know and just say 'hello', which then partially helps me keep in contact with people instead of hiding away.
Gentle hugs, Blue! It's so satisfying to make a clean slate look the way we want. Hope your new space brings you peace.
Thanks CF :hug: It's going to take a while, that's all.
_________________
I guess Doing Things FOR ME should be my journal's title. It is really hard! So that's why it will be good for me to focus on it.
i like it, blueberry - both a challenge and a goal. love and hugs :hug:
Thanks san :hug:
_______________
In fits and starts, I'm sorting through things and throwing some out. Especially going through papers. I sift through them, sometimes 2 or 3 times. Also sometimes on the 2nd or 3rd time I actually throw the paper out though for some reason I couldn't on the first time. Going back to previous Journal: I'm working on accepting myself about this. I've noticed before that I have a kind of haphazard way of sorting. Another aspect of that is that I can sift through papers and decide to keep or not, but the ones I keep mostly go back in the pile they came from. I'm mostly not good at being able to file them in the proper place, or even necessarily decide where the proper place would be. That knowledge helps me understand why so many of my papers are not filed, why it is so exhausting for me to try and tidy things up - at least 'the why' on the surface - and understanding helps me accept myself better.
I'm really tired. Didn't go to bed last night because it's so cold in that room. Sat in one of my living-room chairs instead but didn't sleep. Eventually got up again and started sorting papers. (See above.)
I found some more notes I took from trauma conferences etc which I still can't throw out w/o typing on here first. I guess the advantage of that to myself is that I have to re-read and feel a bit, process a tiny bit?
more or less ditto post above. Except I was in bed for a long, long time. Over 12 hours. It's cold but I have a lot of wool blankets and I bothered to make myself a hot water bottle. So I made myself a hot water bottle. That was doing something for me, which is my focus on this journal. Yesterday I went to the neighbourhood pantry and got lucky: there was tons (not literally) of fruit and veg, of which I took quite a bit of things you can eat raw - for me and my furbabies. And I started eating right away too lol but at least that was nutritious!
Going to bed IN BED last night was definitely for ME because as of tonight it's supposedly going to rain for a week which will mean that the ceiling over by the window will start dripping again, which doesn't lend itself to easy sleeping - above and beyond the cold.
I phoned a friend yesterday which was definitely also FOR ME as well as for her. Something she said helped me realise that all my energy is going into staying put and not being pushed / manipulated into something by LL. So no wonder everything else is so hard including very basic self-care. And then the holidays on top of it all, where none of my usual appointments are taking place. No therapy of any sort, no doc appts - tho I remember now one of my docs was going to be open between Xmas and New Year's. I remember that now! But probably then I was still holding out fairly well, whereas this week... I can't remember when the rain started coming in, but that was an added unforeseen stressor, unimaginable at the time I last could have spoken to one of my docs. Anyway, things outside my bldg are going back to normal tomorrow: everything open again, no more public holidays till just before Lent, and I have a whole load of appointments. And the builders will be back.
well done, blueberry, on doing so many things for you. i think it's wonderful you're focusing on such positives. keep up the good work. i love it when we can get fresh fruits and veggies - they're the best, and definitely something you're doing for you. love and hugs :hug:
Just wanted to say I love reading your entries. Focusing on such positives helps highlight the little wins all around us every day and can definitely lift the spirits and mood.
Hope you have a good week!
Thanks CrackedIce :)
There are actually whole threads of similar on OOTS e.g. Three Good Things Today, Things I am Grateful For, Today I achieved etc They can mostly be found here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0
__________________________
Maybe I should go back to those boards. Last night I wrote myself a list of Beneficial Things to Do. I didn't do very many of them, in fact I got up, took my first meds and went back to bed. I also went to bed in the early afternoon and missed my doc appt. I wrote it down as 14:00 which was correct but I can no longer read w/o sticking my nose on the page, so today I glanced and read 14:30. I got my prescription but no appointment. My psych doc is my least useful professional person for just talking to, but it wasn't fair to his medical practice, to him or even to myself to turn up half an hour late.
I'm addicted to the Internet atm. Spend hours on it, including rn. But at least I'm doing something semi-useful atm, which can't be said for most of the day.
I did the most important thing yesterday: found some important papers for my appt with Tenant's Rights tomorrow. Having found them, everything else got put on the backburner (by me). Idk that it's a conscious decision but it just happens.
I love that you are making note of the things that you are doing for yourself. The following is a list of things to do for self-care, if you would find that helpful. https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/selfcare
Thank you notalone :hug:
_______________
Today I made it to occup. T.
Two important realisations I made: I'm doing a lot of
flight atm to avoid my
feelings and I'm doing
freeze to avoid
taking action. So far I've known that I am sometimes a 'freezer' and sometimes a 'flighter' but I hadn't got it so clear on the functions on when I'm doing one or the other.
I'm also sometimes a fighter. That's the aspect in me atm that's thinking and acting: I'm not being manipulated by LL to move out w/o hefty financial compensation! That wasn't the realisation today though, I knew that in advance.The other important realisation:
Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: Blueberry on January 10, 2023, 01:00:25 PM
The other important realisation: Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well.
You are! I'm glad you can see that.
I also love the focus on things you are doing for yourself. :hug:
Thanks Snowdrop :) :hug: It's good to see the quotation again but just a few minutes ago I didn't feel I was coping well at all.
Wondering if anybody else on here seems to misunderstand people? Apparently I misunderstood the lawyer at Tenant's Rights so nothing going to be particularly easy after all and the approximate amount of money in compensation which the lawyer mentioned last appt is not a likely amount. She doesn't even remember saying that amount. Not really about the amount but about everything I feel :stars: :'( :stars: :'( :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
But still, I'm managing extremely well. I said I'd go to choir so I should. Even though 'should' isn't good for me, in this case I think it would be good to go.
I regularly experience misunderstanding with others especially in technical situations like you are describing. I am thinking of you as you process.
Thank you rainydiary :) It helps to know I'm not alone with this. I'm wondering if misunderstandings like this have anything to do with this dissociative symptoms I have?
I realise now - once again - how important it is for me to do things that are good for me because that helps with resilience which I need in order to keep going with my plans! And I also need in order not to be bowled over by anything from LL or FOO or Tenant's Rights saying something different and/or I misunderstood or whatever.
It seems I've bitten off more than I can chew with this Journal, so I'm going to end it.
If anybody has a response you can leave it of course, but otherwise I'm starting a new Journal with a different focus.
:grouphug:
Hugs BB. I don't tend to misunderstand things I just flat out do not remember them or take in information in the first place. But it makes sense to me dissociation would be behind what you are experiencing. I'm sorry that sounds really disappointing about your meeting. :hug:
Thank you Armee, hugs are good, feel good atm :hug: :grouphug:
Blueberry, I hear you coming to some significant realizations about yourself and also making choices that kind toward yourself. :cheer:
Thank you notalone :hug:
For me I'm now going to bed because it's past midnight and I have psycho T tomorrow. I feel good that I've got so much clarity on various, that will help with actual processing tomorrow in T and with moving forwards. :)
hope your session w/ 'psycho T' goes well, blueberry. sounds like you're making progress. love and hugs :hug: