I just need to get this out. This could end up being a ramble.
My T has freaked me out. She didn't intend to I know. She asked me to do something to aid with grounding, such a simple thing, but it was like a direct trigger. I am still not ok days after therapy.
We've been working together for years, I trust her, I love her (this is a mutual, not in a weird way, we have both acknowledged this in sessions, in a deeply caring way) she actually gets me and now she triggers me.
Things she has said/ done have triggered me before and we've worked it through but this was so different.
I panicked in a whole new way. I was already in a flashback, I was coming out of it then suddenly the threat came from her. I am so freaked out by what happened. I don't know what to do. Was I staying with it and feeling something or was something else going on. I just had to keep saying no, I felt so out of control. I am so on edge. Am I finally begining to shift how I interact in flashbacks and find a voice to say what I need.
Has anyone else noticed a change in the way they come out of flashbacks?
I usually freeze, very still, quiet but this time I was shaking my head saying no I can't and I dont want to it was so different.
I am really scared about my next session, I know I need to tell her what happened, it was right at the end of session, the last minute so I don't think she realised what was going on. I feel if I tell her it might be like pressing repeat and doing it all over again. I am so confused. I don't feel like me.
OceanStar,
That sounds like a really scary and overwhelming experience. I hope you are able to meet with your T soon to work out what was so triggering. Leaving a therapy session and feeling worse is horrible (I've been there).
Oh gosh, hon, that sounds awful! :hug:
Yeah, you'll want to tell her. Preferably sooner than your next appointment? Is that a possibility? If I were your therapist I wouldn't want you suffering any longer by being triggered by me while already in a flashback. She'd probably want to help you ground in the present and to fix whatever happened with her.
Oh dear OCeanStar, I'm so sorry you had such a reaction to whatever she said to/asked of you. I agree with Armadillo and Notalone that it's important that you tell her so you can feel safe going back to therapy.
My T has said to me that it's important to go slowly (titrate) because if I come to associate therapy with pain/fear I obviously won't want to go. I agree that it has to be a safe space to explore my trauma at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me.
It certainly sounds like you have a good relationship and can talk openly with your therapist.
Big :hug: and hope you come out of this sooner rather than later.
Thank you Not Alone, Armadillo, and Kizzie. Your messages helped me to have the courage to say what had happened at my next session.
My T brought the ending of our previous session up as she realised something was off but there was no time on zoom to go any further. I was able to explain what had happened, this is massive as I'd usually freeze at even the thought of communicating why I freeze. I feel like she understands my triggers and how they fit into my story now. Hopefully sessions will end better from now on.
While I am truly sorry you have been through this difficult experience, I am happy to see you write of such impressive progress in your healing journey. :)
I find this especially powerful:
Quote from: OceanStarI was able to explain what had happened, this is massive as I'd usually freeze at even the thought of communicating why I freeze.
Congratulations on all of your hard work and accomplishments! :cheer:
<3 Jazzy
:grouphug: and :thumbup: