Out of the Storm

I've been toying with the idea of starting a journal here. It took me a while,  but here I am  ;)

I'm in a weird place. Some kind of 'in between'. Where you're not really 'sick' anymore, or at least, not visibly. But there are still things that need work. And it's hardest when people then see you as a functional adult and expect more from you than you feel you can offer at that time. I feel like the deepest, hardest-to-kick patterns are only coming to the surface now. In part because the superficial stuff has been resolved, and in part because so much * hit the fan over the past two years, that I can't really look away anymore. I don't feel safe enough in my own skin and in my social connections to share everything that i'm dealing with at the moment. So I guess starting a journal here is a good first step.

Short back story for context, for anyone who wants to know *TW*:

I'm a female in my 30's. Throughout my childhood, some hard things happened. An immigration and a re-migration, sexual abuse by a neighbour, a lot of bullying by peers.
In my late teens/early 20's, I was in an unhealthy codependant realtionship and I got married. I divorced about 1,5 years later. Around that time, I also started struggling with my mental health more than ever before. I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, self harmed, and was suicidal. I spent about 10 years in the whole mental health world. In and out of therapy, psych wards, on all kinds of meds, etc. The term CPTSD was never coined, I didn't figure that out until later. In the mean time, I did manage to finish my studies, get a job, and all that other stuff you're supposed to do.

A few years ago, I finally got the right kind of help. I fully recovered and was doing really well. I also retrained, so that I could make a carreer switch. In 2019, I took the dive and quit my job to start my own business, together with my father. Shortly after, I discovered that my father isn't who I thought he was. A whole lot of sh*t went down, and a lifetime of lies and abuse came to light. My father is a communal narcissist. I broke contact with my father, losing my business, my dreams, future plans and not to mention my income in the process. I did manage to find a little part-time job to stay afloat, and I started to rebuild my business. Just when I started to feel like things were getting better, and I had time to process and heal, the pandemic came along.

Currently, i'm in survival mode. I feel like i'm back at square one, although I rationally know that i'm not. I just have a lot of new information now, and a lot to process. Granted, some old wound have re-opened and some things were uncovered that I didn't even know were there. I think that's a good thing, although I don't feel "happy" about it, haha. I'm coping better than I would have a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can, and i'm surviving without harming myself, I know there's a lot of work to do, a lot of healing to be done, etc. I know that's a good thing, yet at the same time I find myself feeling really hopeless and frustrated a lot of the time. And mostly, very very alone.
So that's about it in a nutshell.

Today I had a performance review at work.

The work I do is nothing special, just a way to pay the bills. It's a perfectly fine job, but it's not like I'm passionate about it or plan to turn it into a career.
I do my best, and I do my work pretty damn well, if I may say so myself.

Anywho, the performance review hit me hard. In particular, because my boss had exactly the same feedback for me, that my boss at my previous job had for me two years ago.
At the time, I was so hurt and frustrated that it was the last little push that I needed in order to resign and start working for myself. In retrospect, I was definitely running away.
And I thought that if I would be my own boss, I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff anymore. But as you can see, it has reared it's ugly head once again, and I need to ask myself:
if I keep hearing the same thing, is it true? Is it something that I do need to address? The thought terrifies me, angers me, frustrated me, and makes me very sad. But i'm worried that if I don't, it's going to keep showing up on my path.

She told me that she gets the feeling that I don't really like my job, my colleagues, my customers. That I don't really feel connected to any of them. Some of the things I'm asked to work on, is for example, making more smalltalk or investing in "relationships" with said colleagues or customers.
Here's the thing: I feel like the way that I show care or interest, is not aligned with how others do this, or expect to see this. I'm introverted, and I can't stand smalltalk. Also, i'm just not a very overtly expressive person. Except when i'm on stage, but that's a whole other story. (Side note; the fact that I seem extroverted on stage does confuse many people into thinking that i'm just arrogant or not interested, when they meet me in real life and i'm really quiet and keep to myself).


I show that I care, mostly with actions. And often times, these are quiet, secret, rather invisible. Because doing it "out in the open" terrifies me. And I also have a hard time talking about things that I feel going on in interactions, below the surface. For example, if I feel that someone is having a hard time, or (god forbid) that someone is angry, I'll avoid it bringing attention to it. Not because I don't care, but because i'm terrified. I'll work my * off, pick up shifts, pick up tasks that others don't get round to, I'm someone who does a lot "behind the scenes". Also, It's not that I don't connect with anyone. In fact, there are a few colleagues that I get along with really well and that I even consider friends now. But obviously, my boss doesn't know that who I speak to in my free time, or how we interact when she's not there.

An example: I had a colleague who recently fell on the ground, in eyeshot of where I was standing. I saw it happen. She got really angry, threw her things on the ground, mumbled that she'd be back, and ran out the door. My heart was in my throat. I picked up her things and neatly folded them, and laid them out for her for when she got back. That was, I suppose, my way of showing her that I care. But I never asked her if she was ok. Not even after she came back. I was scared that i'd make it more awkward for her. So I hoped that my gesture of taking care of her things, would be enough to convey the message. But today in the performance review, my boss told me that my colleague had felt that I "didnt see her". I felt awful.

The first time (at my old job) that my boss called me out on this, I was very hurt. I always work hard, I always try hard. I'm always there, perfect attendance. I'm the person that people come to (again, behind the scenes) when they need someone to talk to, or when * hits the fan. Something needs to be done? I'm there. But i'm also introverted, I keep to myself, and I value my own time. And I felt like I wasn't being appreciated as I was, and for what I did, because I didn't meet the standard for HOW they wanted me to do it. I felt like they expected me to be more extroverted, and that i'd have to take on a persona that didn't fit me, just to be valued. I felt like I wasn't being seen, in all the steps i'd taken. In how far i'd come, and in how much I did offer (albeit in my own way). Needless to say, I felt rejected. And I left.

And now, in my current job, a job where (simple as it is) I certainly hadn't expected this to be an issue for anyone....here it is again!
So now i'm sitting here feeling frustrated and all kinds of things mixed together. Frustrated that "the world" was harsh enough to me as a child, casting me out when I tried to connect, that it damaged my ability to connect. And now that I've done my best to heal (and am still doing so) and venture back into the world, and make do with what I can do...i'm cast out yet again, but this time for not connecting. It seems so unfair. And I don't want to throw a pity party, but there is that hurt child in my who feels pretty bad right now. All she's thinking is, for the love of god, leave me alone! Let me be! Just let me be me, instead of constantly trying to fit me into your mold.

And as an adult, I realise that if this is the feedback i'm getting from multiple angles...there must be some truth in it. And I can stay angry at the world, but the only one I can change, is me.
It means there's work to do, again, but I'm so tired. Ugh.

Today was a little better. Having a few days/nights to let it settle and put it all back into perspective does help (at least to get out of the EF). I realize that when she said it, I got back into that feeling of not belonging, of being incompetent and worth less than others, and that feeling of impending doom/going to be cast out). Now that it's had some time to settle, I don't really agree with everything that she said. There's obviously some truth in it, but it's not as black and white as it felt yesterday.

Obviously, my boss doesn't see everything I do. What tasks I perform without anyone asking me to. Which customers I do talk to, or what kind of "bond" I have with some of them. The way that she makes customers feel seen, is different from how I do it. And mine, in my opinion, is equally valid and needed. It's not my fault that she doesn't see that, but next time we talk about this, I will be more prepared in what I can say to illustrate this. For example, not all customers want to chat. Some may be very happy that there's someone like me who lets them go about their business, and who already knows their ususal order (and has it ready for them) when they show up. That's my style, and in my opinion, there's worth in that , too.
Also, she's not always around to see how I interact with colleagues, and I probably behave differently when she's around, too. I noticed at work this morning, with my regular morning colleagues, that we blend really well together and have fun. Just because my boss doesn't know/see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

As for the "not being flexible enough", well, I beg to differ. I do my best, within my boundaries. And i'll admit that I am very protective of my autonomy (with good reason). But I already explained to her, that this can be resolved with better communication (e.g. actually asking me if i'm availible before changing my timetable and sending it to me without a heads up).
Also, it's strange to me that my flexibility and my willingness is being judged by comparing my overtime with others. The fact that we are all consistently doing overtime and that this is considered normal, in my opinion, is weird. Why do we all have a contract for a certain numer of hours, then? I think the fact that I work overtime at all, shows enough willingness.
And the fact that I sometimes say no, is perfectly normal. I'm not a pown, i'm a human being with a life outside of work,

I also spoke to some of my collegues about this, this morning. They were as irritated as I was, and had enough to say about the matter. I was also happy to hear that they do not find me to be "not social enough".

The only thing that worries me, is that my boss is still in a position of authoroty. Weather I/we agree or not, she has the power to day, if you don't agree, I won't extend your contract (and i'll go find someone who does). Which is her right (although, good like finding new people every few months, who like being treated like pawns). And losing my job, especially now, would be disastrous.

Anyway, I don't want to make it sound like she's that bad (she's quite nice, she's just not good at being a boss, to be honest...) and I don't want to sound recalcitrant. I do take responsibility for the element of truth in what she said, and i'm willing to work on those things.
The task of making more small-talk and "being more social" seemed really daunting, because I felt like I had to do it with everyone, all the time, and right away. Instead, i've decided to set an intention: break the ice with at least one person (that feels safe enough) every day. And by ice, I mean the ice inside myself. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be anything and it can depend on how I feel that day. It's more about stretching my comfort zone. And I won't beat myself up if I skip a day or I fail (thats why I set an intention, instead of a goal). But it's a good start, and today I already managed to chat with one customer that I vaguely know.

AlterEgo,
I want to let you know that I read your posts. I see you making progess. I hear that you have stepped back a bit and really thought about what your boss said and also what your female colleague said not feeling seen and you've formed your opinions without taking all their stuff onboard :thumbup:   It really doesn't seem to me from what you wrote that you're responsible for the colleague who collapsed. I mean, not responsible for giving her the empathy or recognition she wanted the way she wanted it.

I can't really say anymore because I'm still too mixed up about my own issues, except that my Journals on here have been very helpful for me, I hope yours turn out that way for you too.
Blueberry

Thanks Blueberry, for your validation.
It's already helping to be able to vent and then take a step back, and to do this in a safe place.

The past few days have been double.

I've been taking steps as I intended to do. Making an effort to connect with at least one person every day, as promised. I don't always feel like it, and it takes a lot of energy, so I need to remind myself why i'm doing it. Sometimes, it actually feels good.

My boss is on holiday this week, and it's nice to to have her around breathing down our necks for a while.

Despite the fact that i'm making an effort, I also feel a lot of resentment and hopelessness towards the "you're not social enough" situation.
Sometimes I feel like there's no place for (someone like) me in this world. It can really make me angry, frustrated, sad and anxious. The way people can say "just be yourself", but mean "no, not like that." I'm an introvert, who also happends to have CPTSD resulting in social anxiety and awkwardness. And I know that i've made huge progress, but to the outside world, especially those who don't know how I used to be, i'm still "not social enough". What makes matters worse, is that I'm completely different on stage. When i'm performing or teaching, i'm in my "stage persona", i'm fun, energetic, powerful. And when I'm offstage, i'm quiet, low key, withdrawn, shy even. Many people who know my stage persona, get confused by this. If i'm quiet in real life, they assume that i'm arrogant, that I don't like them, that i'm in a bad mood, whatever. Both my current boss, and my boss at my previous job, have made this comparison. I tell them i'm fine and that i'm just an introvert, and they will say: "But you do it on stage...why don't you do it here?"
Well, because if I did that, i'd be burned out within a day or two.
It frustrates me that people are forever trying to drag me out of my comfortable place. And i'm perfectly aware that there's a little truth in what they say, yes, I can let go of some fears, get more comfortable, resulting in more spontaneous interaction. And yes, I get lonely. Yes, part of me being withdrawn is more fear-based than just introversion. But it's almost like they expect that if i'm no longer afraid, i'll become a raging extrovert. And the little steps that I take, just aren't good enough for them.
Come on guys, how about you let me be me and get to know me, instead of trying to force me to be someone else?
And part of me doesn't care what they think, but the other part is like...well, if I don't make an effort, i'll continue to lose people, and even jobs! How am I supposed to survive in this society, as a no-much-of-a-people-person....

I just want to be (allowed to be) me. :Idunno:

Something i've noticed over the past two or three weeks, is that i'm finally starting to relax a bit when i'm off work. This sounds weird, I mean, when you're free, you're free. Right?

Comparing this to the past two years since I quit my job and started my own business, the difference is definitely showing. It's becomeing clear to me now, how much i've been running on adrenaline and numbing myself. Although I had time off (probably more than when I worked as a teacher), I could never really relax. I always felt this knawing in the back of my mind, that I should be doing something. Anything business-related that I could write up hours for. And business was always running in the back of my head. Anxiety over things to come, whether it be a difficult client, feeling insecure about my competence, worries about money, whatever. There was always something. And sometimes I'd "block it out", but that isn't really relaxing either. That's just numbness, and it's still draining, even though you can't feel it happening.
Then when everything with my dad happened, I went into survival mode. So all those unprocessed feelings are still swirling around, and triggers are everywhere. And then Covid hit and caused even more trouble, so i've literally been in full on survival mode for two years straight. I'm so tired, and yet I felt like even when I was technically 'free', my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Anyway, at the end of 2020, I finished my second year as an entrepreneur, finished up all my administration, and came to the conclusion that for 2021, I wasn't going to bother with it.
Like, i'm not going to bother trying to make enough hours to qualify as an entrepreneur for tax reasons. I've already lost my office, my clients, and with all the covid restrictions, there's a slim chance that i'll be up and running again this year. And to be honest, with everything that's happened, I don't even really want to anymore. I wasn't ready for it when I started, and I feel less ready now. And there are other things that I want more than this. So I just want to continue working those few hours at the supermarket for as long as I need to, while I wait for a better job to come along. And in the mean time, i'm not going to go out of my way to keep my company up and running, or to rebuild it. Whatever happens, happens.
I felt such a sense of relief when I decided that. Especially since, if anyone asks, and I don't feel like explaining why I "quit", I can just blame covid. I don't need to explain all the other stuff that goes into it, unless I feel comfortable doing so. It's such a relief to let go of doing all those things that i'm too scared to do. It's such a relief that I don't have to spend every waking hour (and sleeping hour for that matter) "switched on". It took a while for my nervous system to catch up though.

Over the past week or two, I found myself waking up on my day off, taking it easy and doing whatever I wanted, and just drinking coffee on the couch watching youtube...without feeling on edge or guilty. I just realized, hey, i'm actually free today, and i'm allowed to hit here and do nothing. And I exhaled, and let it go. I also found myself playing computer games, or suddenly noticing things that I used to enjoy...and actually enjoying them. Even discovering some new hobbies. It's like i'm slowly thawing.
I still shoot back into freeze at the drop of a hat, but it's progress none the less. I'm starting to come back down to earth. I sure hope the earth starts coming back to earth too  :whistling:

I am SO pissed right now!

It's 22:00 and I just got an email from my boss, stating that she's been changing the work schedule again.
Last week we had that performance interview where I was told, in a nutshell, that I wasn't flexible enough, and that I wasn't invested enough/social enough. She was referring mainly to the fact that I can't just take any random shift or make insane amounts of overtime, because I have a second job (and a life) outside of this job. I work the amount of hours that I have on my contract, and help out with extra shifts where I can, but apparently that's not good enough.

And now she sent us this new schedule, and she's put me down for two sunday shifts a month (alternating weeks), knowing full and well that I generally can't work weekends and evenings since that's when I do my other job. Technically i'm free sunday afternoon, so that's why I sometimes take that shift if they need someone. Even though it's a long day for me, since I already have my other job on sunday morning. So now, i'm stuck with this sunday that I never wanted to begin with. And if I say no, I already know she's going to refer to my "not being flexible enough" again, with the risk of not getting my contract renewed. But if I say yes, i'll be working myself to the bone. It's a lose/lose situation.

And she sends this just before bedtime, too. I was tired, and now i'm just worked up.  :fallingbricks:

Hi AlterEg0. It sounds like you have a lot going on trying to manage the situation with your boss. I'm sorry, it sounds very frustrating, and I also get triggered when people change plans impacting  me without asking! It sounds like, despite that, you are doing a great job of staying in touch with your needs and boundaries.

It's been a little while. Just haven't been motivated to write, although there's plenty happening, good and not so good.

First off: I'm now an aunt! I went to visit, and my ovaries exploded. That brings me to the second point: this week I had an appointment at the fertility clinic to get an ultrasound. Just to check that everything is looking good down there, for future baby purposes. I'm on the waiting list for a donor, and should be at the top of the list about a year from now. Next week I need to go back for bloodwork. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. Terrifying for the most part because i'm all alone where I live, meaning that my family all lives far away and most of my closeby friends don't have or want kids. That's a bit of a scary thought when I think about becoming a single mom. I know i'll need help if i'm going to work and raise a kid by myself, and I know things will work themselves out along the way, but it's still scary. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. But I want children so bad, that it's worth it.

Another important step: I made an appointment with a psychologist who is specialised in the name-changing process. We have a call on monday, and if I decide to go through with it, she will be writing up the report that I will need in order to file the request. It's expensive and a huge hassle, but i'm actually excited about it.

I've been talking to some people at work, and it turns out that the vast majority of us feel that our boss is not doing the best job when it comes to communication. Today, one of my collegues ended up throwing everything on the table with her, in a more blunt way than the rest of us have done up until now. The question is: will he get is contract renewed next week, or will the boss fire him and continue doing what she's doing. In the mean time, I feel better knowing i'm not the only one who's frustrated with her. It's not just me, and it's not my fault. At the same time, i'm frustrated that I can't really stick up for myself more than I already have, for fear of losing my job in the middle of a pandemic. I'm currently looking at other jobs, but have not found anything viable yet. It causes anxiety sometimes. Other times, I just trust that this too will sort itself out in time. One way or another.

I'm a little worries about money. Money is tight. I'm surviving, but there's no wiggle room and it's not sustainable. I'm constantly worrying about the future. Hence the need for a new job, especially now that Covid ruimed my business.
My tax return won't be as big as expected, so I can't do all the things that I was planning to do. I can afford the name change, but may not be able to replace my car just yet. It's no disaster, i'm sure the car will last a little longer, but it makes me feel anxious knowing that it could give out (que expensive repairs) at any time. I also still really want to move, but I haven't been on the waiting list long enough to get a place that is better than what I have. Fingers crossed on that one.

I've still been working on making contact at least once a day. I think it's been going well, even though it's really awkward at times, and often I really don't feel like it.
I need to keep reminding myself that i'm doing it for me, and it will make my life easier and more fulfilling in the end. However, I still have those moments where I really feel like there's no place for an introverted weird person like me.

Anyway, that's my little update for now.

Today I had an appointment with an independant psychologist who is willing to help me get my name changed. I was nervous when she called, because I didn't know how I was going to "convince" her of my case. Thankfully, she told me right away that she was already 'beside me', and assumed that if I had gone so far as to contact her, she was going to assume that I had a good reason to want this. She said that it was more a matter of organising the story in a way that will sway the people who will be deciding.
I had already written the letter of motivation that she needed, and furthermore we just talked for about a half hour, with her asking a bunch of questions. It was emotional, but it was good.
She said that she thinks my chances are pretty good. If I want to go through with it, I can let her know and she'll start writing up the report. The whole process is going to take a few months and cost a lot of money, but I already feel so relieved. Today was good. Progress.

I've been so increadibly tired lately. Yet, at the same time, I'm feeling so much more relaxed. It's weird how those things can go together.

I find myself more and more letting go of things that aren't really serving me at the moment (not forcefully expelling or fighting, just letting them be until they fade). For example, this sounds really silly, but for years now, i've been doing this thing where I will jog on the spot (at home), just to meet a step- or calorie goal on my smart watch. It wasn't really bothering me, but I know rationally that it's kind of silly to be doing this alongside all the work and workouts I already do. Sometimes i'd even do it before going to the gym, just to make sure I hit my mark (the arbitrary 3000 kcal a day). And in my brain it had become this thing that made me feel like I was in control, productive, and wouldn't gain too much weight. In a way, a remnant of my anorexic past, even though I wouldn't consider this jogging thing disordered. It doesn't control my life, and I always figured i'd just keep doing it until I got tired of it. Well, I got tired of it.
I'd been having trouble with a foot injury that wouldn't let up despite physio, and I also found myself having trouble just doing things like sitting back to read a book or play a game, because i'd always feel like I still had to move more. So I decided to stop doing it for at least a week, and see what happened. Nudged myself through the discomfort. And then found that it really made me feel better to just sit the f*ck down and not have to do anything all day. I mean, i'm always telling people that recovery time is just as important as workout time. But I wan't really giving myself any downtime. Huh. Also, my foot is feeling a bit better. And i've even lost some weight (probably the cortisol levels getting back to normal, haha).

I simultaniously find myself getting more back into the habit of intuitive eating. Just having whatever I want, whenever I want, no questions asked. Over the past few months i'd been chewing and spitting food, which is clearly a coping thing that's (for me) kind of a safe midway between normal eating and full blown eating disorder. These past few weeks I haven't done it at all. Haven't even really felt the need. I'm just chilling.

I've been just letting myself do what I want, however frivolous or silly it may seem (wohoo, pokemon planet). It helps balance out the hard work, and also is helping me get back into contact with myself. Be myself. Figure out who I am in the first place. It's like i'm starting to come home.

Things are by no means perfect, I have a long way to go. But i'm glad to be feeling better, slowly but surely.


i've been having trouble with my right foot since november, probably plantar fascitis. Been seeing the fysio for it, but it was not really letting up.

I'm feeling really sad today. Last night, too.
I saw a picture on instagram, from the school I used to work at.

I miss my school. I miss my students. I miss teaching. I miss my colleagues. I miss my tribe. I miss feeling like i'm contributing. I miss feeling at home. I miss belonging. I miss feeling like I know what i'm doing with my life. I miss my sense of security. I miss my future prospects, my plans, hopes and dreams. I miss that part of my identity. I miss my life. I miss myself.

I feel like i'm in limbo. Like i've broken up with someone I still love, realized i've made a mistake, and now i'm watching them move on without me. And i'm still standing here.
Doing what I can, or what I should, just to survive. But my heart isn't in it.

Whenever I see them, I feel that happy, secure, belonging feeling for a split second until my brain kicks in and remembers what's up.

I feel heartbroken. Even more so when someone says: "Just get a new job.' It feels the same to me as when a beloved pet or a friend dies, and people say: "Just get a new one".
It wasn't just a job to me. I don't want to "just get a new one". I can't even explain what it meant to me. And then people ask why I left, and that's a long story of manipulation, misinformation, broken promises. I'm aware that I chose to leave. Yet, it wasn't really what I wanted. It was what I thought I was supposed to want.

I just want my life back.

I've noticed lately that i've been slowly feeling 'more like myself'. Like I said before, letting go of things that no longer serve me, and "collecting" things that do.
Silly, seemingly trivial example, selling clothes that I don't really like or that don't suit/fit me (anymore), and using that money to buy items that really speak to me. I recently got a new tattoo that i'd been wanting for ages, with musical notes/keys on my fingers. I got real dreads done in november. Yesterday I even put make-up on (normally I can't be bothered, but I just felt like it). And I caught myself looking in the mirror, and feeling "hey, I recognise myself! And I like what I see". It's obviously not just physical or superficial stuff, but this is an example, and it feels good.

Today I recieved the last documents I needed to file for my name change, so I took care of that right away. It will take 4 to 6 months before I hear back. Fingers crossed!

Quote from: Alter-eg0 on March 12, 2021, 05:09:59 PM
And I caught myself looking in the mirror, and feeling "hey, I recognise myself! And I like what I see".

This part really stood out to me.  Best wishes with your paperwork. 

I'm so triggered right now.
I was at work, my shift had ended, and I went downstairs to grab my stuff. I stumbled into the middle of a conversation between my boss and a few colleagues, which ended up being about the pandemic and the current rules in our country. My boss is very opposed to all of it, and that's fine. Another colleague had a different opionion, and my boss somehow felt the need to convince her otherwise by basically (no in these words, but it was implied) calling her naieve etc. She was talking louder and louder, and my colleage was just trying to convey that she saw things differently. My boss, in my opinion, was being rather hypocritical, considering she's always complaining about how people call her crazy for her opinion, and we should be able to agree to disagree, live and let live, whatever. But here she was, doing the exact thing she hates, to her colleague. Anyway, I was standing there, trying to be switzerland as I always do. I don't really care what either opinion is, I do feel that we're all right in our own minds and the thing we're lacking in uor current society is the ability to let various views co-exist without constantly snapping at each other or trying to drag people to "the other side". Anyway, I was standing there and I felt the anxiety creep up and I just had to get out. I looked at my watch, made a remark about that it was about to rain and I had to go, and I left. And now I feel really tight on the inside, and part of me is afraid that my colleague hates me now (for not sticking up for her, or whatever) and that my boss thinks i'm on her side (i'm not on either, but I have a tendency to try and please/appease someone who has authority over me) or will try to get me there.
It reminds me but all too much of living in my family, where my N dad didn't tolerate other views. He's always subtly or less subtly make you choose between losing connection with him, or with yourself. Because there was no room to be true to yourself, and still be connected to someone with another view. I feel hyped up now, and I have a headache.

I'm also waiting on a phonecall. Someone I know from a training I took a few years ago, a fellow coach, sent me a text yesterday. She has a student who is suicidal, and she has a meeting with him later this week. She wanted some advice on how to go about it. That's fine, I know the ropes. But ever since I closed my own coaching practice (partly because corona, partly because of everything else that happened in my private life over the past two years), I can't do anything relating to my business without being triggered. I don't want to open again any time soon, but I also don't want to tell anyone that, let alone tell them why. It's personal, and I can hardly explain it to begin with, even to myself. So i'm nervous, even though theres nothing to be nervous about. I just want to get it over with, so that I can relax a bit this afternoon. I'll need it.

I hope you're feeling less triggered by now (I think it was a while ago you wrote this, I'm not sure with these times though). But it's understandable why you would be, with everything you've written here. It's not about me, but I can really relate to a lot of this, so you're not alone in this kind of reaction. Please take care of yourself, you're important too!

With what you ran in to at work, I think that would be difficult for anyone, and most people would do the same as you did - look for a reason to politely exit without getting on one side or the other. I understand you want to support your co-worker, but you don't have to fight everyone's (or even every) battle, and unless you positively affirmed ("yes, I agree") with your boss, they are wrong to take it as such. It sounds very similar to your old home situation, as you described, and it is only natural that you would make such a connection, but you are not a child in your NF's house any more. :)

I hope things go well with your phone call. That sounds very stressful as well. Even if they are curious, you are not obligated to tell anyone anything if you are not ready to do so. Its understandable to be nervous about it though, setting appropriate boundaries like that is difficult, but rewarding.

I hope you can relax soon. Take care!

Pffff. Feeling pretty d*mn depressed at the moment.

My emotions are all over the place lately. Or, well, I don't know if that's true. It's more like i'm numb and surviving a lot of the time, and when I get triggered or when I thaw out, I suddenly feel that cascade of anxiety and grief come over me. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have moment's that i'm ok or even feel great. I'm not going to trick myself into believing that this depressed feeling is always and forever, because I know that's not true. It always fluctuates.

Yet, right now is especially hard.
Yesterday, I spend all morning (and evening) having an awesome time recording vocals for a track that I was suddenly inspired to make. I got my microphone out of my storage cupboard, downloaded some software and spent hours recording acapella stuff, and I had a blast. Then, I had to go into town to pick up a few things. As I went down there, I felt really extatic, still buzzing from the inspiration and the excitement over the track. Then I got a text from an ex colleague from the school I used to work at, before I quit. She told me that another colleague was quitting after this academic year, and that there might be work for me. So I went from happy, to extactic and nervous and anxious and OH MY GOD. I was already thinking: this is the break I was waiting for. I miss them so badly, and my current financial and professional situation is rather *. I've been missing them and wishing to go back, and feeling horrible over the fact that they don't have a place for me naymore. So naturally, I was suddenly in overdrive, thinking: THIS IS MY CHANCE. So I texted another colleague and asked her what the deal was. And she said: "Oh, yeah, as far as I know, we already have someone else lined up who already works with us." So I said, well, I might as well try, you never know. And she said: "I've never in all my years of working here, seen someone be hired back." I felt completely gutted. Not only because chances are slim that i'll get what I want/need so badly, but also because I feel like this collegue is saying: forget it, we don't want you anyway.

I cycled into dispair. Everything i've been pushing away for the past two years, came rushing back to the surface. Losing what I cared about, because I trusted the wrong person. Giving up something I cared about deeply, and that was not just a job, it was like a safe place or family to me. Not just security. And now, being in this situation where I have a meh job that doesnt earn enough to keep me afloat. And a business that is now closed and that I don't want to start up again. Not being able to find any relevant jobs within my profession, and not wanting to have to start all over again anyway. It takes me forever to start to feel safe somewhere, and make friends etc. I don't want to have to go through that again, after fighting for so long. I wish I could just finially cruise for a while. But it seems like every time things are going well, something happens and everything goes to * again.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and nobody wants me anyway. I feel anxious and hopeless about the future, and I'm having thoughts of death again.
Not that i'd do it, but thinking of death is like a way to blow of steam and keep me "sane", because it helps to remind myself that there is always a way out.

It just saddens me that i'm here again, while two years ago, I had everything going for me. I was genuinely happy and doing well, on my own two feet. Then I trusted the wrong person (my father) and lost it all, because of him. And now i'm here, stuck, unhappy, lonely, scared, and having to start over. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't in a phase where all I want is to settle down, start a family, etc. And it saddens me because I actually like living. There are many things I like about life, and want to experience, still. But not if it's going to be like this all the time.

So yeah, i'm having a hard time.

I'm not quite sure how I feel. Maybe that's because a lot of the time, i'm not feeling. Just to survive. I seem fine, or neutral, until I look a little deeper under the surface.
I feel heartbroken, devistated, terrified, angry, all that. I still can't believe that I faught so hard for so many years to get to a point where I was happy and healthy, only for my very own father to see this and think: hmm, that's not going to work for me. I can't control/use her if she's healthy and independant. And then manipulate me into making a choice that would ruin my life, block all my future plans and dreams, and basically put me back where I started only with less time on the clock to fix it. Because I accept that it's my responsibility to do my life, and to deal with the consequences. Ultimately, I was the one who made the choice. It pisses me off that I trusted him and that his hands are technically clean, though. The thing is that now, i'm 34, and I desprately want to have children. I always have, and the clock is ticking. I don't have a partner (my trouble with long term relationships is a whole other story, and that's also got to do with him), so i'm taking steps to do it alone. But in order to make that work, I need stability, a good support network, a good job, etc etc. And all of these things have been completely DESTROYED over the past 1,5 years, mostly by my father. After all the years it took me to build that up. After going through * to heal and get my life together. Just like that, he cunningly coerced me to make a choice that would tear it all apart. And now i'm frantically trying to fix it, while at the same time, I feel....I don't even know how I feel. Numb. "Never mind". Like I might as well give up.
And that breaks my heart even more, because not only did I fight so hard to regain my life and my will to live, but I actually like living. There are many things I love and look forward to. And now it feels like...I don't want to give up, but I also do. I hate this. I just want my life back.

So yesterday, another ex colleague texted me to let me know that there was a position opining up (which I already knew). It's nice to know that they are thinking of me. It's not so nice to know, that they are not the people who decide. I'm pretty sure the people higher up in the organisation don't want me back. In part because of what I was told last week, and also because after emailing both the principal and the vice principal about it last week, neither of them have responded at all. None the less, I have sent in a formal job application as well. Because you never know.
The annoying thing is that part of me is now really excited and hopeful, and already seeing myself walking around there again. Not to mention the prospect of a proper income.
Yet, the other side of me is already sad and hopeless thinking that it's not going to work, and knowing that i'll be even more devastaded when I am indeed rejected. Because the tiny bit of hope that had been keeping me going, hoping that one day i'd be there again, will really be officially gone.

I hope it works out for you, Alter-eg0. When will you know?

Quote from: owl25 on April 02, 2021, 10:57:43 PM
I hope it works out for you, Alter-eg0. When will you know?

Thanks, Owl. I don't know, the site said to send in applications before April 12th, so it'll be after then for sure.

Good for you for sending in the application.  :applause: Your feelings of hope and excitement as well as sadness and hopelessness make sense.

I've been feeling pretty numb lately. I'm not doing it consciously, but I am aware that i'm doing it. And when I look at the state of the world, my life, everything that's happened over the past two years, it makes sense. I sometimes think "I wish I could feel happy again", but then i'm also aware that allowing myself to feel that, would mean allowing myself to feel everything. You can't selectively numb certain emotions, it's all or nothing. And right now, it just doesn't feel safe.

I'm still waiting on news from my job application. There have already been four ex-colleagues who have tipped me, separately from one another, about the job opening. It's nice to know they are thinking of me and want me back. It just sucks that they aren't the ones making the decision of who to hire.
When one of them texted me today, I started feeling really excited and relieved imagining what it would be like if I got the job. But I automatically shut that feeling down pretty quickly, because I just don't want to get my hopes up. If I end up getting rejected, i'll be gutted enough as it is. I don't want to make it worse. So i'm just numbing. That way, it feels more like: whether i'm in or i'm out, it's both equally good or bad (depending on how you look at it).

Life feels like limbo at the moment. I feel like i've been waiting to start living again ever since I left that school, and all that crap went down. The situation with my dad, the pandemic, etc.
It's frustrating, too. Because I had come so far in healing. I'd finally come to the point where I decided to take a leap and trust someome, and I thought trusting my father would be a safe choice. It ended up ruining my life. And these past two years, so much has happened, it feels like every time I get up, something else comes along and pulls the rug from under me again.
I'm just surviving.

Bad news.
I did indeed get rejected for the job. That's not even what i'm the most gutted about. The worst part is, I was rejected via an automatic rejection email.
I worked there for six years. Six years. I even continued to drop in and help out after I left. And they saw how heartbroken I was when I decided to leave. I can live with the fact that they won't have me back, thats their right, and there are more people suited for the job. What hurts is that I emailed both the principle and the vice principal weeks ago, and neither replied at all.
It's like bumping into an old friend on the street, saying hello, and being ignored completely.
It's nice that four ex-collegues tipped me about the opening, so at least they did bother. But that the very people that I worked for, that I put so much time, energy and loyalty into for all those years, didn't even bother to reply to my message personally or even say hello...just an automatic rejection email. Zero acknowledgement. That really hurts.

I spoke to my mum earlier, she called me and I just bawled my eyes out. I've fought for so long, and come so far, but there's always something. I just want to live. But there's always something. I'm so tired. I know i'll end up picking myself up and finding another way. But right now, everything just feels so unfair. I got so far, had everything going for me, and I trust one wrong person and BAM. My life is back to * and i'm going to have to claw my way out again. Only this time, i'm ten years older and my biological clock is ticking too. I want to have a kid badly, but I can't even find a freaking proper job. Even with my batchelors degree, that I got with honors. For f's sake, can I just live?!

Hi AlterEgo,
I imagine that is really disappointing to have that automatic e-mail with that news of the job rejection.  It seems like the personal aspects in the work environment are overlooked sometimes with technology, and I think that's not right.  I'm glad that four of your ex-colleagues mentioned the job to you - that does sound like they care. 

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, but it's understandable that you are.  Anyway, I feel like I'm waffling a bit now, but I just wanted to say that I hope you get some luck on the job front soon. 

Hope  :)

Hope you find something  Alter - job hunting is tough to do.

Pffff, you know how when you really really need to pee, but you can't, so you hold it and hold it until you finally make it to the bathroom and then when you finally sit down, you're so cramped up that nothing comes out? And then all you can get out is a few drops, a few more drops, and then all of a sudden the dam breaks?
Well, metaphorically, that's how I feel right now.  Like I just reached the metaphorical toilet.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!
I'm so happy and relieved! Rationally, that is. My body doesn't get the message yet, it's still too busy being stressed. That's fine, the first drops are coming and the dam will break soon.

I haven't told my current boss yet, she's on holiday. And I want to wait a bit, since there are so many people already leaving that I want to give her the chance to get herself back together before I drop another bomb. It's fine, I only need a months notice with this job, and my new job doesn't start until the end of august. So I've decided that I want to leave my current job half way through july, so that I still have a proper "school holiday" to relax an prepare, before the fresh start. I'm really excited!

The funnies thing: I got hired because of my looks. Well, sort of. You see, during the job interview, the guy mentioned the way I looked (my dreads, piercings, tattoo's) and asked about them. He asked "why I am the way I am" (to which I replied: why are you the way you are?) and then he asked me how I see it, since there's often a lot of stigma and it can lead to negative situations with other people. I explained that I'm glad he asked, because that way we can have an open conversation instead of letting ourselves be lead by prejudice. I told him a little bit about my tattoo's, and I explained that I'm just being myself. That if I would be rejected for it, it wouldn't have been the place for me anyway. And that it's important to my not only to be myself, but that my students and colleagues can be themselves too. I also explained that in my experience it has actually often lead to more positive experiences: it opens doors and dialogs that you otherwise might not have. Students often come to me to talk about things, because somehow my looks seem to lower the thresold; I look like an open minded person who has seen some stuff.
So this morning when he called me and offered me the job, he said "we were very charmed by your appearance and the way you talked about it. And we do have quite a few students who are "different", so you'd be a great fit".

I was so amazed, because there had been so many applicants and although the interview went well, I just didn't have anything to go off. I couldn't size up the competition, so to speak.

It's so good to finally have some perspective, after all this "survival mode". I'm not out of the woods yet, but now that i've got a stable basis in the making, i'll be able to start thawing out, processing, healing and moving on.

So yeah, good news. And now...i'm exhausted.

Yea! Congratulations. Glad you are giving yourself some vacation time before starting your new job to rest and prepare.

 :cheer: :cheer:  :cheer:

Yay! Congrats!!!

Thanks NotAlone and Armadillo!
___________________________________

So I still haven't told my boss that i'll be leaving soon. I wanted to tell her straight away on monday, but she was too busy yelling at a co-worker, and I was like...yeah nope.
And the next time I see her, will be tomorrow. I already have my letter of resignation ready, and i've been taking care of some other business that also needs to be taken care of before I get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all this off my back and moving on. Looking forward to my new job, even though i'm scared. I still feel heavy, but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know things won't be perfect by any means, but it's progress all the same and it makes way for many options and growth in the future.

So...looks like i'll have to corner my boss tomorrow and break the news. I'm nervous about how she'll respond (and how she'll treat me for the next 2,5 months before I leave), but at the same time..knowing that i'll be leaving soon makes it easier to deal with.

My new contract starts on august 1st, but classes don't start until august 30th. So i've decided i'll leave my job on july 9th (a friday) so that I have just as much summer holiday as I would have had if i'd already been in the education system. It gives me time to prepare, but also to calm down, relax, do what I want. It's been so long since i've had a holiday that didn't have all the radars running in the back of my head the entire time. So i'm really looking forward to this!

I had a weird dream last night. I know you generally process a lot of unconcious stuff in your sleep, sometimes it's more obvious than ususal.

I dreamt that I was with my family, and my father wanted to gather us all together and tell us something. He was walking around all over the place, talking out loud without really checking to see if we were listening, sort of trying to prepare the place for his "presentation". It was a big place with two rooms, a large one to the right with a lot of chairs in a tribune like setting, and a smaller one to the left. So anyway, my father was walking around and blabbing, talking himself up, talking the location up, doing his whole act. And as he was so busy doing his thing, he didn't notice that we had left. We hadn't followed him, we had gone into the room on the left instead. Someone else was in that room (the guy who trained both me and my father, and who is the one who broke the news to me about my dad's narcissism). We were all sitting and chatting with this guy, and my dad must have noticed at some point that we weren't there anymore. So he barged into the room, walked up to the guy we were with, and punched him. He threw the punch in a weird angle, and ended up only hitting the guy's arms (which were in front of him). So the guy threw a punch back, and missed. Which was weird, because we expected (knowing that he has a background in martial arts) that he'd have no trouble knocking him out. It was almost as though he missed on purpose. They sort of went back and forth like this for a while, until the guy knocked my father out cold and he fell to the floor. The guy sat back down, my mum sort of ruffled his hair (which is weird because he's bald, and in my dream he had be bald up until that point) and we all were chatting again. I looked down at my dad, and all I could feel was pity.
I felt so sorry for him, trying so hard to put up that facade of being so great, having everything together, telling himself that everyone thinks he's so great, having to constantly put up that act, but probably being so deeply insecure and lonely on the inside. Always talking about his "good friends" or the great relationships he has with his family for example, and not even noticing that these people don't feel the same way. The fake-ness of it all. I felt really sad for him, purely out of pity.

I don't hate my father, although I am really angry at him. I don't miss him, and I don't want him in my life. But it does make me sad, to think that he's going to end up completely and utterly alone.

I just encountered another trigger that I had sort of forgotten about.

I just got a message from a colleague, asking me if I wanted to sing/teach a singing workshop at an upcoming gathering. I immidiately got a knot in my stomach and felt the need to push it away or find a viable explanation as to why I can't or don't want to do it.

Here's the thing. I sing, I love singing, I basically came out of the womb singing, and I'm pretty damn good at it. Although I'm no stranger to the stage, singing is something really near and dear to me and very vulnerable. It's one of the few things that's so intertwined with my whole being, and with my emotions. So naturally, singing in front of others feels pretty vulnerable, too. I'm fine when i'm up there with a band, or at least a guitarist or something, because then I don't feel as "naked". But if it's with a regular karaoke track for example, I hate that. It bores me, and it feels too vulnerable.

The strange thing is, when you have a certain talent, especially when it's something that involves performance, it somehow becomes "public property". It's like other people feel as though they have a right to experience it, and you are obligated to showcase it. You know, the whole "Oh, you sing? Sing something then!". When I was a kid, my parents would push me forward at any chance they got. Birthdays, funerals, parties, it didn't matter, it was always "Oh, no problem, she'll sing something". Nobody asked me, it was just assumed that I would do it, because I can. And by the time I was "asked", it was a retorical question. It was already decided. If I protested, I was told not to be so difficult, it wasn't that big a deal, it was no effort for me so why didn't I want to do someone else a pleasure, etc. I was emotionally blackmailed: "what will people think, if you don't do it. They expect it, you did it for so and so, what will they think if you don't do it for them, too?". You're selfish. You're a bad person.
It was an impossible choice for me. The two universal social fears that humans have, are not being good enough, and not belonging. When I was pushed to perform, I was put in a position where I was stuck between these two fears. Either failing at a performance (always afraid that people were expecting a standard that I couldn't meet) and disappointing both myself and others, or being cast out for saying no and being selfish. I always felt so frustrated and intensely angry, yet terrified at the same time. Having to make that impossible lose-lose choice.
So now, whenever someone asks me to sing, I feel that intense fear and the need to push away, rushing back.

The thing is, I probably would not even mind singing a sing if there would just be a karaoke machine and it would be a spontaneous thing. But the fact that someone asks me to sing, in my brain goes straight to "oh, this person is assuming that since I can, I will, and I must", and I immidiately feel scared, helpless and frustrated. I feel so nervous, my stomach is in knots and my heart it in my throat. I want to say no so that I can stop feeling this way and stop feeling the pre-stagefright all week until the day comes. But I also want to say yes, so that I don't have to walk around there feeling guilty for not doing it. This sucks.

Oh it breaks my heart that this thing that brings you joy has been made to cause suffering.

For the sake of that joy, I'd guide you to listen to your heart and gut and say yes  only when you want to and are ready to. If that is never and you are happy with that then that is OK.

You don't need an excuse you just say "I am so flattered you asked but I'm sorry I am unable to."

I relate a bit though mine is different. I love to play piano for myself. But if I am asked to play for or around someone I actually completely dissociate and can't even function. Can't find the music in a book i use all the time, my brain and body just stop working. Even thinking about playing for someone causes the same reaction. I'm glad because i literally can't play for someone and it keeps it as a thing for me.

Armadillo, exactly that!
I get it too. Yesterday I was teaching with a colleague and just singing along to the track we were using, and at a specific climactic part of the song she looked at me and said "here it comes!" and I completely choked. I laughed it off as though I meant it to sound bad, but in reality I felt pretty stupid. It's the same when for example there's a birthday and we all have to sing the birthday song. The only way I can do it, is if I sing really badly and make it clear that it's meant to be silly. Otherwise I choke.

And it makes a lot of sense when you say "that keeps it for me". I feel the same way. So often people say things like "why don't you join in <insert talent show here>" or "why haven't you had your breakthrough yet" or "Why don't you go to conservatory or do this professionally". They say "Why aren't you doing anything with this?? (professionally" and it always makes me feel...resentful? Like...guys, I am doing EXACTLY what I want with this. What you mean, is that you want me to make my thing public property. You're not wanting that for ME, you're wanting that for YOU. How is that pleasurable for me? This is mine. This is a deeply intitmate thing for me, and I only want to do it or share it on my own accord. I don't want to HAVE to do it.
Somehow, people don't understand that.

QuoteThey say "Why aren't you doing anything with this?? (professionally" and it always makes me feel...resentful? Like...guys, I am doing EXACTLY what I want with this. What you mean, is that you want me to make my thing public property. You're not wanting that for ME, you're wanting that for YOU. How is that pleasurable for me? This is mine. This is a deeply intitmate thing for me, and I only want to do it or share it on my own accord. I don't want to HAVE to do it.
Somehow, people don't understand that.

Haha. They don't understand it, because I don't think it's "normal" is it? This is trauma speaking, isn't it? Don't let yourself be seen or appreciated. Don't trust people. They are trying to take something from you. They will use it to hurt you. Stay away keep away stop.

My stomach is in knots, but i'm simultaneously proud of myself.
I just got into an argument with my boss, who is pretty much the female version of my NF.
She has a habit of treating us like pawns, not taking us seriously, breathing down our necks, dumping extra work on you when you're already swamped, pretending to be the nicest and most understanding person even while getting defensive and passive aggressive if anyone dares set a boundry or give her feedback (even when she literally asks for it). Today she asked me to do something (while I was already busy), came back twice to ask me if i'd done it yet (I had given it a place on my to-do list and had not done it yet), and when I stood up for myself and told her "No, and I don't think i'm going to be able to get it done" she went on a passive aggresive rant, then walked away. Then a little later, she walked past my department, didn't even look at me, and sort of called over het shoulder "Are you going to do it now?"
I was so mad and terrified, that I was shaking.
Then later after my shift, I was packing my bag when she cornered me and she wanted to "talk about it". So I told her that I didn't like the wat she talked to me, that it wasn't ok, and that it made me feel like she didn't take me seriously. She laughed at me. Then she went in to full defense, started bringing in all kinds of arguments about things I supposedly had done wrong in the past, brought in some gaslighting, some switcheroos, etc etc. I eventually told her I was not going to have this discussion, and that we'd have to agree to disagree. And that I was going home.
I'm still shaking. Part of me is like: "so what, i'll be out of there soon, what's she gonna do?", but on the other hand...I still have to face her for another six weeks. Who knows how she'll treat me now.
I can't with these people🙃

Wow! You stood up for yourself! That makes me feel sick and shaken just thinking about it so I am super proud along with you!!!

:hug:

Are there really that many narcissists and/or toxic people in the world, or do I just think i'm seeing them everywhere?

Ever since I found out about my NF and went no contact, i've been seeing them everywhere. In past and current relationships, work, the world in general. Maybe I see it now that I'm aware. Maybe I just happen to have attracted these people before I became aware. Maybe there really are that many. Or maybe I just think i'm seeing them everywhere since I'm still walking around with a open wound.
Is it just me?

It's not just you and I think its really complicated why this happens. Part of it is probably a bit of hypervigilance on our parts looking for warning signs. Part of it is probably we don't set up boundaries well so other people with stronger boundaries would just keep that kind of person out right away but we don't always. Part of it is probably a bit of trauma re-enactment, and part of it is people like that are attracted to people like us because of our kindness.

Every time I get a new same-old trauma I ask myself these same questions. Except instead of being questions... I'm so triggered it's like "oh my gosh I'm bad it's me it's my fault why does everyone around me want to ____")

I think it's really cool that you are noticing and asking this in a way that is kind to yourself....it shows me you want to protect yourself.  :cheer:

Agreed, definitely not just you. Our society (well, USA, can't speak to other countries) facilitates hiding it and abetting abusers. My Uncle is at the end of his life and I just now found out some things he did to my cousin. never once would have guessed. It made me question that, too, how many around me are monsters I can't see. unfortunately, it doesn't help our hypervigilance. But you are definitely not alone.

That's Armadillo and Sage. Yeah, it's probably a combination of all those things. It's such a weird place to be in, though. Seeing it everywhere and not knowing how to place it..

This week has been all over the place. I suppose you could say i've been practicing with conflict. And i'm not just talking about the issue with my boss.
For me, any form of conflict however small is a massive trigger. I normally avoid it at whatever cost. But for some reason, this week i've been encountering all kinds of these little things where i'll just try to push my own limit. Say something I normally wouldn't, not placate where I normally would, whatever. I'm not sure if this is coincidence, that i'm just suddenly overwhelmed with little fires this week, or that i'm (sub)conciously choosing to do more of it now that the cat's out of the bag. Sort of like exposure. The problem though, is, that even though I can rationalise that there isn't really a problem, I do constantly feel the physical ramnifications of said conflict. I'm constantly shaky, my guts are all over the place, I feel zoned out today, and I have EF's that send me back into thinking of death just to escape, because "if life means having to feel like this so often, which is enevitable since conflict is enevitable if you live with other humans on the planet, then I can't do it...it's too hard, I should just end it". I know that those thoughts are part of the EF, but it still feels crappy.

This afternoon a colleague texted me for help with a technical issue that I couldn't help her with, and I joked "I don't know, but then again, i'm not the customer service, call them". Then I immidiately felt like I was shooting out into space and my gut clenched, because I was scared that i'd been too spicy and that she would not want to be around me anymore after this.

This evening my facebook feed showed me a comment that my aunt (I never see her anymore, she divorced my uncle after cheating on him) left under an article by someone talking about her body-image troubles. The comment was rather crude, and it hurt to read, considering my own history with ED's. So I responded in still a very friendly way, with a little explanation as to what the person in the article was mentally going through. She responded yet again, claiming that this girl just wanted attention at that she shouldn't post it she didn't want to be criticized.
So I told her we'd have to agree to disagree, and I decided to remove her from my friends. Not to spite her, but so that I wouldn't constantly get updates about other comments she may leave (because if this is how she talks to people online, well, there's going to be more). She immidiately responded with "Oh, that's your solution? Unfriending me?", and I said "Nothing personal, this is a painful matter to me, and I'm just making sure I protect my health by removing  such things that can end up in my feed." Then she left another nasty message, removed said message, and then blocked me altogether. Now, I know this says more about her than about me. And I also know i'll probably never see her again anyway. But part of me is terrified that she will tell other people about this, and turn them against me. My cousins for example. Even though they can think for themselves, and may even also see that she herself was being mean.
It's just that, my father and his emotional blackmail and his smear campaigns, plus years of bullying by peers, have imprinted in my brain that even if I don't mind that a particular person doesn't like me, it's still a disaster since they will turn others against me and i'll end up alone again.

Then a few minutes ago I got an email from a client who was angry about me cancelling  a workshop (an email that I sent her over a month ago, and she isn't responding until now, all disappointed that I "kept her in the dark" (what dark, we're all in the same pandemic) and that she "didnt know if she'd ever get her money back" (I literally asked her for her info, and told her i'd get it back to her, although it may take a little while since I don't have any income at the moment). Rationally I understand her frustration, and I also feel that she's exaggerating a bit.
And also, I have already closed my business and i'm starting a new job. So from a business perspective, I don't even have to worry about bad reviews or whatever.
But part of me is still shaking at the fact that she now has a bad opinion of me.

I shouldn't care so much how people view me. And one half of me doesn't, but the other half is constantly scared to death. I suppose it's good that i'm challenging this whole issue with conflict and boundaries, as it will make me better at being authentic and sticking up for myself in the future. But sometimes it makes me so sad that I am needing to do this in the first place.
And I don't want to feel so scared all the time.

Alter-Eg0 - your stories here resonate with me.  I appreciate you sharing and hope that you keep finding ways to speak what is important to you. 

That is a lot of conflict and it would be making my guts feel all over place too. But I see you protecting yourself and standing up for yourself and seeing that these conflicts are about the other people having problems and not you. I know it feels shi*** right now. You will feel better. Conflict will be inevitable in life but eventually it will roll off you easier.

Pffff...I've been vaguely nauseous for a few days now, occasional bouts of dizziness and sometimes palpitations, diarrhoea, the works. I do have IBS and  stress is obviously a trigger, but usually those episodes are much easier to define. So I thought maybe I had eaten something bad, until I noticed the tightening of my stomach every time I remember that I have to go to work tomorrow, and for three more weeks before I leave there. Three weeks doesn't sound like much at all, but if it means feeling like this every time, it's going to be a long three weeks. I think the fact that it's fathers day (second one since going NC) doesn't help either. I need to relax...

Alter-Eg0, I appreciate the update and am sorry to hear about the physical symptoms.  My stress tends to express itself physically too, so what you share resonates.  I hope that you are able to find some ease today. 

 :hug: Big old hugs to you AlterEgo. Today's a rough day and give yourself lots of extra care. It makes so much sense your stomach is clenched and IBS is flaring.

Three weeks of being in a miserable job IS a long time but I hope it goes fast.

And add me to the long list of people with the classic physical symptoms too!

Thanks Rainy & Armadillo,

It's interesting isn't it, how things manifest themselves in the body. It's no fun to experience, but it's helpful information from you to you.

On a brighter note, I had my first unofficial day at my new job this week. It was a parent-teacher info evening, in preparation of the new academic year. I got to meet my new class and get to know them. It was pretty informal and it went well, I feel really welcome there even though I don't start until the end of august. It's good to know i'll be getting on with my life, and in a better place.

Quote from: Alter-eg0 on June 20, 2021, 01:10:46 PM
Three weeks doesn't sound like much at all, but if it means feeling like this every time, it's going to be a long three weeks. I think the fact that it's fathers day (second one since going NC) doesn't help either. I need to relax...

Three weeks is a long time when those days are filled with stress. I understand Father's Day being difficult too. I hope your IBS calms down soon.

Hi Alter-eg0,

Your previous post here sounds great! Feeling welcome and getting on with life... wow, that's incredible! :D Congratulations on your accomplishments!  :cheer:

Jazzy <3

Thanks NotAlone and Jazzy.

Tomorrow, my last work week at my current job begins. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, but i'm also looking forward to getting it all over with.

Last week, my boss asked me to take some time off, "because I was so busy, I might like it". In other words: we need you to use all the hours you saved up, so that we don't have to pay you for them after you leave. At first I was against it, I wanted to save them because I need to extra cash to get through the few week that I won't have an income before my new job starts. But at this point, I honestly don't care anymore. The job is so mentally draining that the less time I spend on the workfloor, the better.
So I had a few days off this past week, and it was much needed. It's funny how the very same say I got home with a free week ahead of my, my creativity immediately started flowing again.
I've been so productive this week! I even published a childrens book!
I used a story that I wrote as a child, and had always wanted to publish. I used Canva to create a format and make pictures, then I published it in Dutch and in English via Amazon. Today I reveived a photo from someone who had just gotten their copy in the mail, on the other end of the world. That's so cool!

I've been feeling up and down lately. I'm tired, raw, and easily triggered. But I also feel like little glimmers of enjoyment are poking through, sometimes I feel alive again and I get excited about the future. It doesn't last long, but it reminds me that i'm "thawing" and i'll be ok, even through it doesn't always seem like it.

I heard that my father is getting married this summer. He didn't tell any of us, and doesn't want to tell us. Not that I want to know, but it only goes to show... It makes me wonder though, wouldn't it make his new in-laws suspicious to see that none of his own family and friends show up at his wedding? How long can he keep convincing them that WE are the problem?

With the pandemic easing up, my current job ending and my new job on the horizon, I have a prediction for how things are going to go for me emotionally...I suspect that initially, i'll feel euphoric. Followed by depression and extreme fatigue. And then come overwhelming emotions as I slowly un-freeze. All the stuff i've been pushing down to stay in survival mode over the past two years, has to come out some time. It will smoothe out over time, but I suspect that it's going to be a rollercoaster....

Anyway, i'm going to go to bed in a minute. The sooner it's tomorrow, the sooner i'll get that shift over with and cross it off the list. The sooner this week is over, the better.

Congratulations on getting your book published!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :hug:

I'm so happy these last few weeks at work are coming to an end or you, and you are feeling a surge of creativity. The roller coaster is exhausting but I find it really helpful to understand what is happening, the pattern of what is coming to be prepared.

Congrats on publishing a children's book and already being contacted about it!!!! That's huge! :cheer:

Congratulations on publishing and selling your book!  :cheer:

Guys, i'm stressed out.

I would have thought i'd be feeling a lot better now. Tomorrow is my last day at my horrible job, which is good news. Also, i've taken care of all the last things I needed to do before the end of the academic year, and I start my new job at that school after the summer. I'm going to have a few weeks of summer holidays to rest and prepare, and i'm really looking forward to the new job. A new sense of belonging, nice people, doing what i'm good at, not to mention the financial stability. Also, I got amazing news yesterday: I got a letter about my name change yesterday, and it looks like they are going to grant me my mothers surname! There's some more stuff that needs to be taken care of, but it's looking good.
All these things are positive, and I expected to be feeling more relaxed now. But i'm not.


The past two years have been * on earth. Not just because of the pandemic, but that sure made the situation exponentially worse. With everything happening in my private life, combined with the stresses of lockdown (isolation, losing income, losing all the things that make my life enjoyable and worthwhile, losing my sense of autonomy...), I've been numbing myself just to survive. For the past two years i've been continuously oscillating beween numb/depressed, and waves of extreme stress/anxiety/grief/frustration. Things seemed to be looking up the past few weeks as things started to re-open and life started going back to normal. However, for the past few days, the number of positive tests have been rising. At the same time, we see the number of people in hospital/ICU at an all time low, and still declining. Which is completely logical: the majority of people in my country are vaccinated now. Asymptomatic people are obligated to test themselves in order to take part in events. Because of this dramatic increase in testing, we're obviously going to see higher numbers of positive tests (either from asymptomatic infections, or from false positives which is the inevitable result of testing healthy people). The vaccination doesn't prevent infection, it just prevents you from getting really ill from said infection. So it would make sense that we're seeing more positive tests, alongside a decrease in hospital admissions. Technically, that's exactly what we want. It proves that the strategy is working. People get infected, but no longer get sick. Thus no more excessive pressure on the healthcare system, which was the whole point of lockdown.
However, the government is freaking out and considering locking us down again. Just because of the positive test numbers.

When I heard this, this afternoon, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I know I look calm on the outside and continue to go about my business and live my life. But on the inside, the only thing keeping me going, is thinking of death. Not that I want to die (on the contrary, I want to LIVE, but NOT LIKE THIS), but thinking that I at least have an escape rope is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
I've been stretched so thin for the past two years that the tinest little thing sets me off inside. I can hardly handle anything anymore, I'm constantly stressed, my body feels tight and painful, I have palpitations, and I hardly enjoy anything anymore because I need to stay numb. I feel burned out. But I have to keep going, so I do.
I'm absolutely terrified that we're going back into lockdown. I don't know if I can take it. I can't stand having the government constantly deciding for me what I can and can't do, and playing groups of people out against one another. Social control. No matter what your opinion, you can't think or say anything without being ostracised by someone. And when I imagine escaping, I realize that there's nowhere to go: the whole world is involved. I feel trapped, and there's no end in sight. There's no logic, I can't predict what's going to happen and when this will end, and that makes me go crazy inside. It feels like....other things I don't want to remember.

I know i'll get through it, simply because I have to and I have a pretty good track record so far. But you know what scares me even more?
I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen when all this dies down, my life goes back to normal, and I can relax. Because with everything i've been pushing down and numbing for the past two years just in order to survive, there's going to be a tidal wave of emotions wating for me. It ain't over when it's over.

I'm sorry for this long rant, but I need to get it off my chest. I don't really know where else to turn, I don't feel safe or comfortable confiding in anyone. Even when I tell them my thoughts, I don't let the emotions peek through (even to myself). But i'm really struggling immensely with all this.

Any change. Good or bad is hard. So you have that, with your job.

Uncertainty is hard as is threat of another lockdown. Hard doesn't cut it right? It really doesn't.

It has been a couple really hard years and none of us has an exit plan so to speak, for reengaging with life, which won't quite be normal.

We are utterly worn down in so many ways.

I say that as a way of saying: your reaction to ALL this is normal. Yes it is absolutely amplified by the CPTSD. But it's also normal to feel this way, AlterEgo. I know. It's awful. It makes you feel like other awful times in your life.

I wish I could hug you and take all that pain and fear and uncertainty away.

We're going to get through this. You know you'll get through this. There will be scars. You've survived worse. You don't need an escape rope. You are an escape rope. You have tools to numb when you need to be numb. We are all masters of that. You are wise enough to know when to feel and when to tighten down the hatches. You'll let it out little by little when it is safe. I trust you.  :hug:

AlterEgo?

How are you holding up there, hon?  :hug:

Hi Armadillo,

I really appreciate you checking in, and your previous post was very helpful. I hadn't had time and energy to come in and update just yet, but i'm ok.

My last day was alright. I'm glad my boss wasn't there. I almost felt guilty for leaving though, after my other colleagues were so lovely. It hasn't quite set in that it's over, that's going to take a while.

As expected, my boss left a comment on my facebook post (I posted that i'd had my last day). She said something to make herself and the company sound great, and then, in her own passive aggressive "smiling through her teeth" style, made a comment about how it was a shame that our goodbye had to be like this (online, since she is on holiday and I avoided her on the last day we worked together). It was so obvious that it was a jab at me, it was almost funny. I'm awaiting her return to work, because I'm also expecting a passive aggressive email from her about how I have already handed in all my stuff, while most people drop in later for that. Obviously, I handed everything in because I never want to have to go back there, and she knows it.
Anyway, later next week after i've had my last paycheck and when she's finished with all the reasons she could have to check in with me, i'm going to block her from facebook.

I got an email Friday from my trainer from a course i'm training, asking me when i'm going to pick it up again (it's been on hold due to covid and due to my own mental health) and it really stressed me out. I feel pressured, and right now I just want to be left alone. I told her i'm taking the next few weeks for myself. I hope she doesn't make me re-do the last module (apparently there's an expiration date on that...).

I had a really nice time friday night with my band, my bassist celebrated his birthday with us around a campfire in his back yard. There was wine, guitars, singing and it was lovely.

Furthermore, i'm really tired and all over the place with my emotions. The difference is that now I can keep reminding myself that I can let it happen. I have time and space to feel bad and let it be there, so i'm going to use that.

I'm currently obsessed with the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. It's symbolic, beautiful, and I ugly cry every time Elphaba goes up into the air.

I can't wait till you can block that passive aggressive meanie pants and be done for good with the job.  :cheer:

I'm so happy you had a great Friday night with your band.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

It seems really wise to take that time you need to let your emotions be a little all over the map.

I thought I'd listen the that song, and I started to. And oddly it almost immediately gave me a wicked knot in my stomach and tightness in my chest. So i stopped.

Woop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief! It's such a small thing, it's funny how it can make such an impact. Although I still feel hypervigilant a lot of the time and work hasn't left my mind yet, it seems to be moving a little farther towards the back of my mind now.
This morning I didn't wake up until 11. I didn't go to bed particularly late, probably around 22.00. I have the tendency to try and rationalise this, and then, if I don't have a "good enough reason" to be tired, I tell myself I can't be tired and I push it away. I didn't do that today, I just let myself be tired. Because whether it makes sense to me or not, doesn't change how I feel, right?
I know where that comes from though. My parents would often tell me I was lazy and make remarks like "what do you have to be tired about? You're a kid, you don't do anything". So I always feel like I need a reason to feel what I feel. Which is nonsense. Trying to slowly let that go.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

QuoteWoop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief!

Big stuff that can make all the difference in your day.

Congrats on your achievements! And perhaps your body was having a bit of a come-down from the wind-up to blocking that person? What you said about needing a reason made so much sense. It also reminded me of one of the sayings by a TikTok-er I follow, "Rest is a right, not a reward." It's not always easy to remember. But I remember my abuser saying something very similar to what you were told, especially if I laid down during the day. Congrats on recognizing the cause to start to change it. :)

Hi AlterEg0,
I would also like to congratulate you on your achievements  :cheer:
Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

Sooooo, two weeks in to my summer vacation and i'm feeling more like myself every day. For the first few days after leaving my job, I still felt really hypervigilant. Couldn't wind down, kept checking work e-mail, felt like I was still up and running. I sort of let myself walk it off, figuratively. I've been sleeping a lot, and I gave myself permission to just do whatever my whims tell me to do. As a result, i've been doing a lot of music stuff. I invested in a new studio microphone and interface, and oh my lord, I should have done that years ago. The sound quality is amazing.
Somehow I never bothered to invest in any proper equipment, although I wanted to. It just felt excessive or frivolous, I mean, my voice is in my body for free, why would I put so much money towards expensive equipment? I usually just got the cheap stuff. But you know what, although I had to dip into my savings, I feel no guilt about this at all. And i've already put it all to good use.

I developed a "slight" obsession with Wicked, and spent the past couple of days recording and editing the vocals for the song "No Good Deed" (out of Wicked the musical, sung by Elphaba) and I had so much fun! After that, I also recorded a video to go with it, and uploaded it. It felt so good to allow myself to just go with the flow of my passions and obsessions, and to sing, and to be creative again! For the past two years, i've been in emotional lockdown. I've been so stressed and tired that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. Now that i'm back into the swing of it, I feel like i'm thawing out and coming back to myself.

I will say, I'm still triggered easily and when i'm in the middle of it, I still feel like things will always be awful. But between those moments, i'm feeling a lot calmer. It's not like a continuous EF anymore, there are definitely good moments. If you would ask me now how I am, i'd say i'm doing quite alright, inclusing the ups and downs. If you would have asked me three weeks ago, i'd say I was doing sh**. I guess the difference is also that now, there's light at the end of the tunnel with the new job in sight, and everything opening up in life and in the world. I can see a future now, I don't feel as trapped as I did then.

This past week was pretty weird. Two people in my direct surroundings passed away suddenly. One of them is a woman i've known for years, our paths crossed all over the place. I also rented my previous office space from her, before I gave it up a few months ago. She was someone who was so full of life, always taking on the next project and creating new things. She was only in her 50's. She hadn't been feeling too well, and one day, one of her friends couldn't get a hold of her, and went to check on her. They found her, on the floor, next to her bed. Gone.
Although I hadn't seen her in a while, and it's not like we were close or anything, it's still a slap in the face.
The other person, was a neighbour that I often see in the building and who always tries to make chit chat with me (while I get all awkward). The weirdest part is that I actually am a member of this app that texts people who know how to do CPR, when someone in the neighbourhood needs help (because we can often get there sooner than the ambulance). I got texted that someone in my building needed help, but I didn't see the text until two minutes after I got it. By then, the ambulance was already driving up our street (we live around the block from the hospital). So I was too late. I know it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference, but I do feel a little guilty for not making a run for it.

Anyway, that's about it for today. Tomorrow i'm going shopping with my mum, my grandma and my aunt. It's a yearly thing, and we skipped last year because of covid. So i'm glad we get to do it again!

Hi AlterEg0,

I hope you're continuing to enjoy your summer vacation and the recent changes after leaving your job.  Your new stuido microphone system sounds fun.  I like the songs from Wicked too, although I don't know them that well.   :cheer: for enjoying some creative things - I liked what you said about feeling like your thawing out and coming back to yourself.

I read what you wrote about the two people who passed away.  I'm sorry to hear about those things.  I know you hoped to have been able to help the second woman, but you only missed that text by literally two minutes, it may not have made a difference anyway.  I hope that the guilt doesn't stay with you.  I think you are a kind person to offer CPR to people in need via that app.  That's a big thing to do that.

Hope  :)

I'm disgusted...

So I already knew via via that my NF, with whom I'm no longer in contact, is getting married (to the girl my age, who he had an affair with). He never told us (not that I wanted to know), but apparently he got married two days ago.
This week I got a screenshot from someone, about something he posted on facebook (I have him blocked, but people still sometimes send me stuff about him). It was a message that looked a lot like a pregnancy announcement, about how their little family was growing, and "it's a girl". Now, I already had my doubts, I was pretty sure it would be about a dog (since their dog died recently). Anyway, many people responded to that post, congratulating her with her pregnancy. And people started sending me messages, asking about it. All this time, neither of them responded to any of the comments. So I was starting to think maybe there would actually be a child. I was already feeling bad for the kid, given the situation. I mean, i'd hope she would have a better experience with him than I did, but I doubt it. And that would be awful. Also, that would mean i'd have a half sister walking around who probably would think that I hate her and want nothing to do with her (i'm pretty sure that's what my father would let her believe). I was starting to get really worried about it all.
Until today: they posted, and it's a dog. They posted a photo, an update, etc. All jokes and laughs. And although they had not responded to any comments on their previous post, to all those people congratulating her on her pregnancy...they are now responding to literally everyone who is responding to their dog post. So they literally just let everything believe she was pregnant, for the fun of it. And probably the attention.
I'm digusted. What a cruel and tasteless joke.
And for me it's extra painful, given the fact that I desprately want children, have for a long time, but am still single and on a waiting list for a donor. I mean, come on. I'm not the only one who thinks this is a stupid joke, right?

 :hug:

I'm sorry AlterEgo both about the cruel and juvenile trick they played, about the marriage, and about your own situation.  :hug:

I agree, it's a very tasteless thing to do, and if they're aware of your desire for kids, it's totally cruel. Unfortunately, I can completely resonate with a NF who married someone near the age of his daughter who then had a kid. :bighug: Sorry you have to deal with all that.

Something weird happened last night, and i'm still not sure what to think about it.

So I have this neighbour, he lives a few doors down. I don't really know him, I bump into him from time to time in the elevator and sometimes there's some smalltalk. That's about it.
He's probably about 10 years older than I am, he lives alone (like the most of us in this building) and I suspect that he has some kind of learning disability. He's nice enough, he's just seems a little oblivious to social ques, and he seems a bit...slow? I don't mean that in a derogatory way or anything, I just don't know how else to describe it.

Anyway, last night at around 11pm, I got a random Facebook message from him, asking (and i'm translating this as best I can): "Can I call on you tomorrow to drive me to the supermarket, if it's raining?". I was a little taken aback since it was out of nowhere, I hardly know the guy, and the wording was just a bit strange. I mean, there was no reason given other than the possibility of rain, and he didn't exactly ask if I would be willing to help him out, it seemed almost more like he was assuming that since I have a car, I have some kind of duty to others that can be called on. It was just weird. If he would have been like "I broke my leg, can you pick up some groceries for me", I wouldn't have minded. But this just seemed odd.
But I didn't want to be the one to be paranoid or anything, after all, he's always been normal or nice to me, so I told him I couldn't because I had work (which I did). To which he asked me what time I had work...At this point I was really weirded out and slightly annoyed, so I told him I was really busy, and that I couldn't help him. He wished me goodnight and left it at that.

At first I just thought it was weird, but the more I thought about it, the more odd it seemed to me. I mean, I was really confused! The question made no sense given the context. So I was torn between "Is he really just a simple-minded bloke, innocently asking a question and not realizing how it comes across? Or is something weird going on?" . And then at the same time I felt a sense of guilt, because it could just as easily have been someone who was genuinely asking for help, but just going about it in an unhandy way. I'm not saying that he had ill intentions, but it's possible all the same. And even if that were not the case, it could become one of those "give them a finger and they'll take your whole hand" things...
I actually did lock all my doors and windows before I went to bed, and I was actually on alert. And today I was worried that he'd be waiting for me when I got home from work, to catch me out and say "Hey, I see you're back, now you can help me!".

I will say, i'm glad I said no. I'm much better at boundaries than I have been. I remember a  time when I agreed to drive my alcoholic landlord to the liquor store so that she could buy all the bottles she needed to replace the bottles she stole from my housemate. That's how easy it was to guilt-trip me into anything. So I guess I've come a long way.

But still...I mean, this is weird right? Or is it just me?

Alter-Eg0, I trust your instincts.  If you feel something is off then I think you are right to do what feels best to you. 

Aloha!

It's been a while since i've updated, simply because i've been swamped.
Two weeks ago, I started at my new job. It's been going well, i'd say. The atmosphere is great, the people are very welcoming and really go out of their way to help you along. I was pretty nervous (opposed even...until I had no other choice) to start over somewhere new. And yes, I do feel frustrated about the sheer amount of work it is to start over...at times I feel myself longing back to my days at the previous school I worked at, simply because back there, I knew everything and everyone, I had all my material sorted, I could do everything on auto-pilot. And now i'm in this new situation, having to learn the ropes all over again. I will say, it's by far not as stressful as the last time I started somewhere new. That's partly because I'm more experienced now than I was back then, and I've grown a lot personally. And it's partly because this is such a small school with nice and helpful people, which helps me to settle in and get the hang of it all much faster. I knew it was going to be rough, and I know i'll be fine in the end. Sometimes it's just frustrating, knowing that you have to go through that awkward, hard phase.

Over the past two weeks, i've probably asked more questions and been more proactive than I have been in my entire career at my previous school. Simply because I dare to do that know.
Because of this, i'm less stressed, as i'm taking care of issues as they arise instead of waiting and hoping that someone or something will fix it without me having to ask. So that's a big difference I've noticed. Also, I just seem less scared and less bothered by futilities in general, compared to what I was like in my last teaching job. I guess I have made more progress than I thought over those past two years that i've been out of the system. The things I've been through over the past two years have hurt me, but also forced me to grow and learn some important things in a really fast pace. I'm noticing the benefits of that now. At the same time, I do still get triggered easily. I'll be feeling fine, and the next moment I will have done something that makes me feel stupid and scared that my colleagues will find out, and judge me for it. Which has me tumbling back into the emotional EF's. I know when it's happening and I feel like I split into two, where one part of me is rationally talking me through the reality of the situation, and the other part of me is purely emotional, feeling like the world is falling apart. It's...weird. It's not something I can really explain to anyone either; most people just tell me that i'll be fine, i'm strong, there's nothing wrong, or whatever. Which I KNOW. And knowing it doesn't take the feeling away.

Anyway, i've been ticking many things off my 2021 goal- & wishlist. The big ones on the list were changing my surname (pending, still awaiting the official green light), getting a new job (got it!), buying a new car (did that!) and getting a new house. Well, I just recieved a message that i've been invited to check out a place that I had applied for a few weeks ago. It had taken so long for them to respond, that I had given up hope. But as it turns out, i'm the first one on the waiting list for the place. So i've been invited to check it out on monday 20th, and I have the first choice.
Unfortunately, I can't be there myself. So i'm sending a friend in my place. I have already walked by the place and checked it out through the windows. It's bigger than my current one bedroom apartment; it has two bedrooms, two floors, and even a little garden. So i'm really exited! If all goes well, it looks like i'll be moving soon. A big stressor, but worth it!

It's good to be finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, after two years of...well...*, pretty much.

AlterEg0,

Starting a new job, finding your way around, determining who could be most helpful and feeling good about it, all a HUGE plus.

Being less scared, less bothered by futilities, hanging on during the EFs: fantastic progress.

Dang! Changing your surname, pretty proactive and empowering too! Accomplishing your goals of the car, job and now new home. All those allow you to create your unique start, your own way. Nothing comes easy, and it takes a lot of energy to accomplish these things, so yeah to YOU! for having it, and using it to your advantage.

Way to go! Keep it up.

Quote from: Alter-eg0 on September 13, 2021, 05:00:35 PM
At the same time, I do still get triggered easily. I'll be feeling fine, and the next moment I will have done something that makes me feel stupid and scared that my colleagues will find out, and judge me for it. Which has me tumbling back into the emotional EF's. I know when it's happening and I feel like I split into two, where one part of me is rationally talking me through the reality of the situation, and the other part of me is purely emotional, feeling like the world is falling apart. It's...weird. It's not something I can really explain to anyone either; most people just tell me that i'll be fine, i'm strong, there's nothing wrong, or whatever. Which I KNOW. And knowing it doesn't take the feeling away.

AlterEg0,
I've been at my new job for over two months now. I could have written what I quoted from you. I'm pretty sure that my new co-workers have no idea of the insecurity and feelings of being left-out that I experience. The intensity and duration of those feelings is lessening as time goes on. I hope the same is true for you.

Hello all,

It's been a while. The past two months have been INSANE.

Things at the new job have been hectic, but good. It's a lot of work, and it's really tiring, but I really do hope I get to stay after this academic year.

That place I got to check out, ended up becoming mine! I moved in about three weeks ago. It was a lot of work to get it all sorted, the whole place had been stripped down and I had to do most of the painting, flooring, wallpaper, etc. by myself. I did get some help here and there, but most of the time, people were just busy. That's understandable, and i'm really grateful to the people who did take the time to help me out. I couldn't have done it without them. It was more work than i'd expected, and the timing wasn't great either, so it was very stressful and I was worried that I wouldn't make the deadline, but in the end, on the very last day that I needed to be out of my old place, at 19.30 in the evening, I finally finished hauling all my stuff over.
I don't have a proper kitchen yet; I was allowed to pick out a new one, but it's not going to be here for another two weeks.
So I made it!

It's a lovely place. It has two floors, two bedrooms and a small garden with a pond out back. I absolutely love it, I have a lot more space to move around here, both physically and mentally.
My dog loves it too, having more space to run around and a garden to play in. I used the second bedroom as an office/studio, so that I can separate work from rest. It will hopefully become a nursery one day, but for the time being, it's my own workspace.

While I was moving, I also had a trip to London planned. That was already planned way before I knew I'd be moving that week. The timing wasn't great, but the trip sure was. I only went for one night, and the only reason I was there, was to go and see the musical Wicked on the west end. It was absolutely amazing. When I arrived, and I walked by the Apollo Victoria theatre and looked up at the giant, green, sparkly Wicked billboard, I did get a little emotional. I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed, it was a feeling of "I made it!". In the broad sense of the words.
I mean, not only have I managed to survive these past two years of losing my job, losing my business, living in a pandemic, losing my income, having my family fall apart and whatnot, but i've managed to get back up and build my life back up to a point where I can afford a completely random trip like that, just because I want to. But I also have come to a point in my life where I actually have the guts to travel abroad on my own, and figure it out as I go. And seeing that show has been on my wishlist for a while, the show means a lot to me, the main character speaks to me, and being able to go and see it live, was just amazing.

In the same week that I was moving, I also got the news that my name change has officially been granted! That's a relief and absolutely amazing. At the same time, it is and was a huge bureaucratic mess. Having to get all my documents replaced (not to mention expensive), and now i'm in the process of having my information changed everywhere. It's a hassle, but it's worth it.

So although things have been on the up, it's just a lot. It's been overwhelming, and still is.
It doesn't help that the government has just decided to put us back into lockdown. The lockdown itself, the way people are treating each other, the way the government is planning to go for a 2G plan where you can basically only live your life if you've had the jab, it all feels very restrictive and controlling. It triggers me. I feel like I just came out of one abusive situation, and rolled into the next. Someone or something making decisions for me, and putting me in a position where I don't really have a choice in the matter. That's how the world feels to me right now.
And regardless what your opinion is on the matter, it hurts to see people being so horrible to one another, for their different views. I've taken to just keeping my mouth shut on my own opinions or feelings on the whole situation, just because I don't want to get caught in the crossfire. But at the same time, I feel very alone and i'm scared for the future. Mostly of being trapped in a world where I no longer have a choice in where I go, what I do, how I live, and what I do with my body. And wow, that's triggering.

You know, it dawned on my recently that I feel like over the last two years, with everything that has happened in my private life and in the world in general, I have lost that last little scrap of innocence that I had left. I feel like back in the day, even when things were f*cked up, there was always a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. Or a little sliver of naivity, the idea that one day in the future, things would be better and i'd have a "normal" life. Easy isn't the right word, there would still be hard stuff, but it would be the "normal" hard stuff. The stuff you can expect. You know, like loved ones passing away. That sucks, but it's part of life. I suppose a few years ago, I really thought i'd worked though the worst of it. Because how much weird, f*cked up stuff can you really expect to encounter in your life? So I just always thought that somehow, i'd had my share, and when i'd worked though all that, it would be relatively smooth sailing from there.
Two years ago, I was on track. I had a good job that I loved, I had ambitions for my own business and other plans for the future, I felt like I had a better bond with my family than ever, and I had gotten through all of the depression, ed's, etc. I felt like i'd won.
And no sooner had I begun to relax, when everything came crashing down in ways that I could never have expected. Having my own father ruin my life and finding out what he really was. Finding out that my life had been a lie. Losing everything that i'd built up. And then having a pandemic take over the world on top of all that. I feel like all of that just broke me. Broke the last little bit of childlike hope, innocence, naive-ness, whatever you want to call it. I feel like I don't have that anymore. I wouldn't say i'm depressed perse, it's not that, it's more like...i'm just a lot more cynical these days. I mean, I already was quite cynical to begin with, I didn't know it could go this deep. I just feel like internally, something in me has accepted the the world, or life, is indeed f*cked up, and that i'll just have to work with it. Things can go well, or not, we'll see. But I no longer have that idea that "one day, everything will be good". That's no longer a given. It's a possibility, but it's not a given. Life now, just feels...flat. Whatever. I make do with what i've got and i'll try to make the most of it, that's all I can do. If i'm lucky, things will be good. But i'm not waiting for that anymore :Idunno:

You know....I really want kids. I'm on the waiting list for a donor. But at the moment, i'm so unsure of my own future, or of the future of the world in general, that the thought scares me.
Not only do I wonder if I want to raise a child in this world, but it also scares me that once I have a child, i'll have no way out. You see, I tend to use thoughts of suicide to keep me sane.
Knowing there's a way out, helps me stay on track. But when I have a kid, I can't leave anymore. That's no longer an option. And the way things are now, that thought scares me.

Life is weird. I wonder if i'm just feeling this way because of the state of the world & my life, and i'll feel differently in a while when I've had the time to process and heal. But sometimes I worry that i've now really been irreparably broken.

Alter-Eg0, I was glad to see your entry today.  Thank you for sharing these updates.  I loved the sound of the place you've been creating for yourself.  Best wishes navigating the decision on parenthood. 

There's so much beauty and honesty in your post here AlterEgo.

I am so happy your job is lovely and you took that trip and you have a nice place to call home for you and your dog and your future baby.

Having a kid is super hard. It also focuses you, puts things in perspective, and gives you a reason to live, grow, and stay around. So maybe even though it is super scary to no longer be afforded a way out...there's also the flipside...you likely won't want a way out anymore.

The way I see everything you just wrote it feels like everything had to come crashing down and split apart fo you can rebuild the way that is true and loving to you. That this is the beginning of things not being bad. You get to rebuild it piece by piece and with awareness.

I'm having a hard day. I feel lonely and depressed. The state of the world and they way that people are treating each other, no matter their views, makes me sad.
The thought that there's probably another lockdown coming up, causes a lot of trapped and hopeless feelings.
I feel stressed out about a course i'm taking (have been for the past three years) that I have to do an exam for. I've been under a lot of pressure, and every time I have to do something for that course, I feel overwhelmed and I just want to quit. Quite frankly, if I fail this exam, i'm quitting anyway. It isn't worth the stress anymore. The exam is a formality, they already know that I can do the thing. But the criteria are so arbitrary that I could fail anyway, and i'm done with it. I've had quite enough.
Work is good, but overwhelming and stressful just because it's all new. Sometimes i'm fine, but sometimes everything just hits me at once and I want to run away to an island somewhere and hide from everyone.

I've been looking for a therapist, but I can't find anyone in the area that specializes in what I need, and that is also covered by my insurance. That sucks. I'm fine most of the time, but i'm very aware that that's mostly because i'm in survival mode. There's a lot of stuff hidden down in there, that I should probably address...

AlterEg0, thank you for sharing.  I've been feeling pretty low about the world too.  I hope that you find some ease. 

Hey there, it's been a while (again). Busy as usual.

I'm not quite sure how i'm doing. Practically speaking, i've done so much this year. I was looking at my list of goals and wishes for 2021, and the amount of things that i've been able to tick off the list is absolutely insane. Especially the big ones, like finding a new job, a new house and a new car all within a very short period of time. And not to mention getting my name changed!
I guess you could say i've been making big steps, getting the building blocks together to build a new life. But emotionally, i'm not there yes. There's just too much to process, and I have yet to come to a point where i'm comfortable enough to let go and start processing. Life right now is still too uncertain and stressful to come out of survival mode. The pandemic isn't helping.

I figured it would do me good to find a therapist, because although I wouldn't say i'm depressed, I do recognize that I have some things to work through that I can't do alone. It was really hard finding a therapist though, because the type of help that i'm looking for often isn't covered by insurance, and financially i'm not in a position to pay for it myself. After a long search, I think I may have found someone suitable. We spoke on the phone and she seemed nice enough, but not TOO nice (I unintentionally am very good at beating around the bush and manipulating therapists into thinking everything is fine and i'm making progress, all the while keeping them away from the core issues). I need someone who is compassionate, but can still call me out on my bull. Unfortunately (but as could be expected), there is a waiting list. She's likely to have time for me around the end of january. I'm not in a rush, though. My situation isn't acute, it's more like, something that can simmer for years and years, but I just don't want to live my life like this. It seems like a waste, since I know that I can feel and do better than this.

I ticked another big thing off my list this week. I've been in training to become a TRE provider (Trauma & Tension Releasing Exercises) for almost three years now. The pandemic got in the way, as did my personal life, and for a while there I was seriously considering giving it up. The training is just so much work, and the criteria are so arbitrary that I got really frustrated and anxious about the whole thing. One minute they'd be telling me I was doing great and that "if this was your exam, you would have passed". The next minute they'd be saying "you need to film another session asap, otherwise you will have to re-do module 2". Or i'd take their feedback and incorporate it into a session, and then during my next evaluation, i'd be told to do the exact opposite (ironically, the thing I was already doing before). I just felt like I never knew where I stood, and the amount of time, money and stress it was taking, took a massive toll on my mental health.
I didn't want to give it up too easily though, considering I only needed to do one more certification session. So I did it, filmed it, and it took weeks to finally get an appointment for the exam.
This due to the fact that the trainer only responds to her email once a week or so, and her agenda doesn't match mine at all.
On sunday, she emailed me (after many failed attempts to plan something) that she had time on monday night. It was a bit of a short timespan to work with, since I had to work that day, so I'd have no time to prepare. But I decided that I just wanted to get it over with, and that i'd be fine with either outcome. If I'd pass, i'd leave with a diploma. If i'd fail, i'd quit because it was no longer worth the stress of continuing with the training. Telling myself if would be over by the end of the evening, no matter what, helped me to get through it. So after a long day at work, and after dealing with several other little crisis' (why does everything happen at once?), I took the exam. It was online over zoom, and took about 2 hours. The first half was about theory, the second half was watching my filmed session together. Thankfully, theory is my strong suit, I passed that with flying colours. The rest of the session was harder, but it went better than expected. I'm very relieved to inform you that I did, indeed, pass my exam. So I'm now a certified TRE provider, and I can finally close another "tab" in my brain that has been running in the background for the past three years. What a relief!

There are two more weeks until the christmas break. I'm struggling to make it through. Currently i'm working 7 days a week. This due to the new covid restrictions that state all non-essential stuff has to close at 17.00. I work at school during the day (four days) and at the gym in the evenings and on sunday mornings. But since we can no longer do evening classes, we had to (temporarily, but we don't know for how long) shift all of my evening classes to my free hours during my day(s) off. So now I work monday through thursday at school, and friday through sunday at the gym. I used to have fridays and saturdays off. I'm beat. I can't wait until break, because I have sleep to catch up on, I need some down time and some me time. And although i've been living in my new house since october, I still don't feel entirely at home, simply because I've hardly been at home long enough to settle in.

I'd better get to bed, tomorrow is going to be another early one.

Congratulations on passing! :applause:

 :fireworks:      :party:   Congratulations on becoming a certified TRE provider.

Wow!!!! Awesome and congratulations! That's a huge accomplsihment! And I love love love how you looked at it as being over no matter what by that evening. I'm going to try that trick myself!

And oh my goodness I can't believe you are working so much!!!!! Break cannot come soon enough. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that this new T has openings soon enough and that she is a good fit. I'm happy with my slightly sarcastic not always gentle therapist to cut through my pretending to be fine. Pushes at the right time in the right amount.

You do deserve to feel better and have the mental freedom that comes with healing, even if you are scraping by ok.

Congrats again and rest up!!!

Thanks y'all.

So, change of plans, haha.

The government sent us back into full lockdown. From one day to the next, on saturday evening, they suddenly decided to close everything but the essentials per the next morning.
So suddenly I had no gym classes to teach in the morning, and on monday we had an emergency meeting at school to figure out what to do next. We ended up having the kids come to school in shifts on tuesday so that we could see them one last time, pick up their stuff and check that all their iPad's are capable of logging into teams. And then we spent the rest of the day preparing for online classes, and cleaning out the entire school. It's a shame, as we had so much planned in this last week before the xmas holidays. I had all their tests planned this week, and we had some festivities going on...

What's annoying is that everyone I talk to now says "lucky you, early holiday". Guy's, it's no holiday. I may not actually be physically at school now, but I have double the amount of work for lesson planning, as the government doesn't decide until january 3rd whether or not we'll be allowed to open the schools again on the 10th. So I have to prepare material for actual physical lessons, but I also have to prepare for online ones. And only one of them will end up being used. It's a lot of work, and half of it is going to be worthless in the end :Idunno:
But it's all we can do.

I will say though, this lockdown feels less stressful than last year. The main reason is that this time, I have a proper job that continues to pay me despite being closed. I don't have to worry about my rent, even though the gyms are now closed and that costs me a portion of my income.
Also, I have moved house, and I have a lot more space now. I don't have to sit in a cramped, one bedroom apartment, shuffling from my couch to my desk for a change of scenery. And I don't have to walk on eggshells for my downstairs neighbour who complains about every noise I make, because I no longer have anyone living beneath me. So I can do my workouts at home and have room to move around (even though it's boring and hard to motivate myself without my group of participants to yell at, and without being paid for it...), and I can jump without a downstairs neighbor to complain about it. Another plus is that I have a home studio now, which I bought stuff for over the summer, so I can continue to make music from the comfort of my own home.

Granted it still is frustrating as heck that I can't just live my life in freedom the way I would so much love to...but at least the circumstances are vastly better than last year.

I'm having my family over for x-mas. I'm looking forward to that as well, because it's going to be a belated birthday-housewarming-xmas get together, and it's going to be the first time that I get to host. I've never been able to do that in my house, as I've never had a big enough place to do so. And now, I have a proper grown-up house to welcome people into. Excited about that!
I bought my first x-mas tree this year (never bothered before..) and decorated it myself, just for my own pleasure. And I bought everyone a few little gifts to put underneath it as a surprise (we weren't going to do gifts this year). Getting gifts while only essential stores are open, as a challenge, but I worked out alright, I think.

You know, i'm actually quite thankful for these few extra days "off", even if it's because of lockdown. It was beautiful weather the other day, cold but sunny, the first ice on the canals. I got to sleep in, and do whatever I wanted. I can easily plan the work I still need to do for another day, so that I can enjoy this time for myself. It feels like "stolen time", because this time wasn't supposed to be mine. And thus, it doesn't matter what I do with it, because I wouldn't have had it to begin with. So i'm not losing anything, i'm not wasting any free time if I decide to do nothing at all. I like that. It's kind of like i'm hiding away, and I needed that. Usually when I have a holiday, it takes me so long to unwind and get to a point where I can relax, that the holiday is already over by the time I'm finally ready to relax. Now it's like I have a pre-vacation, so that I can actually relax in the vacation.
I do hope the gym starts providing online classes again soon though, as that will give me some work to do, some income, and it's easier to get me motivated for that, than to just be workout out in my living room by myself.

Oh Alter Ego that sounds so difficult and stressful to have to prepare for online and in-person instruction both and not know what it is going to be. I hope it goes faster than expected and you get to enjoy a bit of forced downtime, even though it would be better to have the gym open so you could teach and bring in that income.

That is so exciting that you are  hosting xmas this year for the first time! Enjoy it! I love the thought of a few little gifts under the tree.

Hi AlterEg0,
How lovely that you're hosting Christmas for the first time, and I enjoyed reading about your tree and the preparations you've made. 

Sorry to hear about the lock-down though - hope that you are able to negotiate your way through everything ok.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok, and wishing you an enjoyable Christmas, I hope it was fun and enjoyable for you.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Pfff....i'm having a hard time and I feel like i'm on the brink of a mental breakdown or a burn-out. Not that there's anything I can do that i'm not already doing.

I'm absolutely exhausted. From work, from Covid restrictions etc, from handling triggers and flashbacks...
Lately, I've been having more and more trouble getting out of bed and i've been having a lot of anxiety. I'm going back and forth between numbness, and then being triggered into extreme anxiety or feeling depressed until my brain says: "Hey, there's nothing you can do about this anyway, you're going to have to do the thing, so..." and then I go straight back into feeling numb.
Work is tough at the moment. I love my team and I'm extremely grateful that I have a job in the first place, but it's hard. Really hard. Expecially now, with schools opening and closing, hybrid teaching, many sick colleagues... And the worst part: parents who sit in on my online classes with their kids at home, and then email me their opinions on how I teach (which is obviously way out of context and quite uncalled for). It makes me even more anxious, teaching a class and knowing that people are watching me.
Also, the principle will start visiting our classes soon and this could determine whether I get a contract at the end of this academic year. I'm so terrified that I won't get one and I'll have to find another job and start over again. I put so much effort into this, and what's more: there's a good chance i'll be at the top of the donor (sperm) list soon, which means I should be able to start trying to get pregnant some time this year. But i'm not going to do that until I'm certain that I have a job and an income that can't be taken away from me any time soon. So that contract is really important.

I don't want to go hold a pity party, but sometimes I do feel really angry and sad that life keeps throwing these ridiculous curve-balls at me. It's like I can never catch a break, I work so hard to get back on my feet and build a life for myself only to have something else fall apart. Like going forward one step, and then 3 back. I just want to cruise for a while, i've had enough.
In the past when i've felt overwhelmed or depressed, I had time to fix it and there was a lot less to lose. I feel like now the pressure is even higher, since my biological clock is ticking as well.

I met my potential new therapist last week. She seemed nice, and on the same page. She also confirmed my hunch that previous therapies didn't work because they were taking the wrong route, diagnosing me with personality disorders while there's clearly a lot of complex trauma going on that needs addressing. The only issue is that she doesn't know to what extent she can help me, since she mainly offers basic mental health care (the only thing I can get from my insurance...). She did give me a tip for someone else who can be added to the mix so that we can get more out of it, but that therapist is not covered by my insurance so i'll have to find a way to make it work.

Yesterday, I was hoping to relax a bit this weekend. I had two days with no plans, and I was feeling alright. Until that evening my dog walker called and told me that she needs to quit due to health reasons and I need to start looking for someone else. I have started looking, but finding someone who can walk my dog 4 days a week while i'm at work, is proving to be very hard. I'm really anxious about it, it's something relatively small but it's another straw on the back of this camel that I just can't handle right now.

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and take good care of myself, but I feel like i'm cracking.

I hate that those parents are sitting in on online lessons and then commenting on your teaching. It IS uncalled for and likely to add stress to all but the most confident, experienced teachers.

I hear life is really difficult rn. I'm sorry.  :hug: Please feel the care of the forum :grouphug:

Alter-Eg0 - I appreciate you sharing your experience.  Much of what you shared resonates with me and it makes me feel less alone.  For me it is such a difficult and discouraging thing to feel like we are moving backward and to not know what else might help.  I hope that you find moments of ease as you navigate this time. 

Hi Alter,

Just wanted to say that I hear you and it is so overwhelming when all these things come up at once and aren't working out the way we want. It's hard when you've probably been disappointed growing up and hope that they turn out different this time. We can take a lot of that on. I hope you can try to see that you're doing the best that you can right now and it doesn't have to be more.

dolly

Hi Alter-Eg0,
You have got a lot on your plate at the moment, and I really hope that you are managing to negotiate your way through it all.  I really think it's tough that you have those parents commenting on your teaching - that is really unfair.  I really hope that you will be able to get some rest and chance to recuperate.  You mentioned feeling close to burn-out, and I hope you get some support. 

Sending you a hug of support from afar,  :hug:  and I hope that you've found someone to walk your dogs as well.

Hope  :)

 :hug:

Alter-Ego, anyone would be on the brink of cracking with all those stressors! I wonder if a group of teachers could ask the principal to send an all school communication to parents asking them to refrain from commenting on teaching methods....I know sometimes our principal steps in with moral type issues and issues a commandment that helps get the parents behaving more like responsible adults. Ugh. It is super unhelpful that they are doing that and adds more stress and work to your plate when there is already no room.

That's really exciting about the donor list!!! Eeeiiii! My fingers are extra crossed for that contract! Sometimes sadly numbness is how we need to get through tough periods. I hope that need for numbness lessens soon.

Hi guys, it's been a while.
Life has been hectic, and although i've been writing a lot, it wasn't here. I just feel the need to get something off my chest that I don't really feel comfortable sharing within my social network, so here I am.

It's my birthday this Wednesday, I turn 36. Since we haven't really been able to do social gatherings for the past few years with covid and all, I was looking forward to getting everyone together and seeing my friends again. So, about a month ago, I planned a game night for my friends that took place last night.
Unfortunately a few of my good friends weren't available, but they did let me know up front, so although I was disappointed, it was fine. Up until yesterday, the counter was on ten people who had confirmed, and six people who'd said 'maybe'. That's a pretty nice sized group for a game night, and I was really looking forward to it. I'm usually quite a hermit and I don't see my friends often, so events like these are kind of like hitting two birds with one stone. I spent the past two days preparing; baking cakes, doing groceries and just generally looking forward to it.

Then, yesterday, a few hours before the event, people started cancelling. For legitimate reasons, don't get me wrong (not that it's up to me to decide what a legitimate reason is, but you get my point), but it really bummed me out. Eventually, only four people showed up, out of the 10-12 that I was expecting. It was especially awkward in the beginning, when only two people were there and we all happened to be the more quiet of the lot, so after the standard chitchat it just kind of fell quiet. I was like, oh man, if no-one else shows up, how am I going to entertain them all evening and make sure this doesn't turn into an awkward disaster?
In the end, we did have fun with just the five of us, but it did leave me in a bit of a funk.

I feel really disappointed and sad. And I feel bad for feeling that way. I don't want to be ungrateful towards the people who did show up, and I don't want to be a d*ck towards the people who cancelled. But the whole thing just left me feeling really...unimportant and unwanted. It takes me back to the days when nobody wanted to play with me, and I never got invited anywhere.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling, I just feel really down right now.

I would feel down about that too. But you sound triggered on top of it. 

I'm glad you came on to post about it. :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Exactly what Blueberry said. I'm glad you posted about it, it is legitimately upsetting on it's own, AND it sounds like you are triggered on top of it making an upsetting situation even more upsetting.

I'd be in the same mental state right now too in that situation.

I am really glad though that the small group of you did have fun. Disappointment and gratitude can be there together. It's OK to feel that way.

Just take care of that triggered part. You are loved and worthwhile.  :grouphug:

Hi Alter,

I understand what you wrote and would feel similar. I think CPTSD leaves us feeling like we don't matter to people and this maybe brought up some of that old stuff, even though people can be generally flakey, and self absorbed. I would probably take a similar approach too, in being more choosey about who I give my time to if they don't reciprocate. I'm still setting boundaries and getting over my people pleasing behaviour.

I just wanted to say that your post on covert narcissism and your f came to mind when thinking about NPD in my family and I found it helpful to see your experience, and how you came to the conclusion that something wasn't right.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Alter,
I only saw your post today - so I know your Birthday is in the past now, but I wanted to pass on belated Birthday greetings to you  :hug:

I am so sorry that you had those cancellations at fairly last minute, and I completely understand how that would be upsetting and triggering on top.  I'm glad you posted about it too. 

I feel sure that your party was an enjoyable one to the guests who came to share it with you, and the ones who missed it, well they missed out!

Hope :-)

Thanks guys.

I'm having a rough day.

Took my dog to the vet this morning, because his swollen face probably meant another infected tooth. I was right, but as I already saw coming, there's a little more to take into account this time.
The vet said that he has a significant heart murmur, his kidneys are rapidly on the decline and he has arthritis. If we want to pull those teeth, he'll need an echo of his heart before they'll even consider putting him under, and the odds are that he won't wake up. If he does, his health will deteriorate faster after that, and he'll need to get a whole lot done about those kidneys and joints, too.
The other option is painkillers, which will make him comfortable, but it'll wreck his kidneys and it's not a long term solution.

Obviously, at almost 16 years old, I knew this day would come. The vet said that we needed to consider if I want to put him through all that when he's already on borrowed time, or whether I want to let him go. And I know that's the most humane thing to do. But i'm going to miss him so much...he's my best friend and he's all i've got.
I spoke to his previous owner who is still in the loop, and we decided it would be best to find someone who can euthanize him at home, because he's always so scared of the vet.
We've booked someone for next weekend.

I know it's for the best. I'm just heartbroken.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it really must be a tremendously difficult time for you. I'm thinking of you and send you strength so that you can get through this somehow

I'm sorry AlterEgo, I have little furbabies and i know what it's like. Gentle  :hug: :hug: 

Gentle hugs. There's no words to make this better. I'm sorry. Much love to you and your pup.  :grouphug:

Thinking of you AlterEg0. 

Hi guys, it's been a while.

By now, it's been about 6 weeks since I had to have my dog put to sleep. It's been a journey.
We found someone to come and do it at home, which was a good move. We planned the appointment a week after we found out about the whole thing. Then, I spent his entire last week doing everything together with him and pampering him, and I even had a little goodbye party where a bunch of friends who knew him, came over to say goodbye. It was a rough week, I ended up getting sent home from work one morning because I just couldn't keep it together. I was talking to my supervisor, and when she asked how I was doing, I burst into tears and she told me to go home. I've never taken a sick day in my entire teaching career, so that was...an experience. But I was grateful for it, because I could spend some more precious time with my dog.

The vet booked us in as probably his first client of the day, because they arrived pretty early in the morning. His previous owner was there too, along with her boyfriend, her sister, and another close friend who has known our dog since he was taken out of the shelter. I was glad they were all there, Adje passed away on my lap, surrounded by love and being cuddled until the very end. After that, we burried him in my back yard and planted a tree on top of it.

Getting used to being alone, has been rough. Adje was a central point in my life, i'm reminded of him with everything I do. I got used to the freedom pretty quickly, but I haven't gotten used to being without my best friend. I still talk to him every day, and I miss him dearly.

One thing that has helped, is that i've been (casually) seeing someone lately, for the first time in six years. I've known him for a while, he was the bass player in my previous band. I'd been thinking about it for a while, I mean, he's cute and kind, we're both adults, so why not. But I held off because, you know, you don't scr*w your colleagues. But somewhere at the beginning of november, he decided to leave the band and eventually we disbanded altogether. So I figured, I have no excuses left, I have nothing to lose, might as well ask. Well, he was up for it and we decided to, well, 'netflix and chill' some time. And that went really well.
That was at the end of November, literally days before I took Adje to the vet. We've been seeing each other regularly since, and it's been great. I'm trying not to get all TMI over here, but probably the best experiences i've ever had, in so many ways. Quite frankly, it's almost a healing experience. At the very least, i'm having a lot of fun and it's making a rough time a lot more bearable, haha. It's a casual thing, simply because we're both single and everyone has needs, but we're getting to know each other better along the way and I find that to be quite enjoyable as well. I never really got to know him that well before, because as two introverts, neither of us spoke much, we just played music. But with the conversations we're having now, I'm finding more and more things that we have in common and I really enjoy his company. So that's nice :) No idea where it'll lead, if anywhere at all, but it's exactly what I need at this moment.

Anyway, i'm off to teach a class.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog companion.  I'm grateful you had the opportunity to transition with them like you did and hope their absence shifts over time to feel less big. 

Hi Alter-Ego,

I'm sorry for your loss too. The passing of my pet was one of the most emotional things I went through. For me, she was probably the first thing to love me unconditionally and it's such a big connection.

Hope that things go well with your new connection. My t tells me that it's good to be friends first as I think it's much less activating on our attachment systems.

Sending you support,
dolly

Sending hugs for your loss. I'm so sorry you lost your pet.  :grouphug:

Hi Alter-Ego,
I am sorry to hear about your loss, and sending you a hug  :hug: 
Hope  :grouphug:

Hi Guys,

Just checking in.
Things are going alright, comparatively.

I recently decided to give myself a little kick up the butt and try something new, to get out of that rut i'd been in. So I signed up for motorcycle lessons, and i'm hoping to get my license before the summer. It's a challenge, but i'm having fun and it's nice to notice that it's not as horrible of an experience as my driving lessons were 18 years ago. Granted I was a lot younger and more insecure then; with every little bit of criticism I almost burst into tears. And I felt a lot more pressure to succeed at the time. Right now, i'm just doing this for me and I'm aware that I need a little more time when it comes to learning practical things. I'm more a theoretical gal. So I'm just taking it as it comes and enjoying it as much as I can.

As for the guy i'm seeing; that's been evolving, too. I was scrolling through my chat history and realized that over the past three months, we've been in contact with each other pretty much every day. And we're seeing more of each other as well; at first we'd see each other maybe once a week or less depending on how busy we were, but we gradually got into a rhythm of seeing each other three or four times a week and it's been really nice. I feel comfortable around him, we have fun and we can have deeper conversations as well.

There's a lot of things that I like about him, that i've discovered along the way. He's kind and considerate, but not a push-over. He'll help me out or support me, but not in a coddling or condescending way. He has a good sense of humor, he's smart, he has an open mind. And he just seems...balanced. Healthy. Which is a strange experience, because in previous relationships, I was always the healthier one (which is saying something). That does worry me sometimes, when I look at myself and thing, well now i'm the red flag. Why would anyone be interested in that?
But he's been really good about it. I specifically remember a situation where I was really stressed out about a phone call I had to make. At first he kind of made jokes about it, and the usual 'I make phone calls all day, what's the big deal' thing. He made a joke that he'd text me the next day to make sure i'd done it, just to give me a little push. And that made me feel invalidated and silly, but before I could give myself the chance to shut down and block him out, I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to communicate about it and see what would happen. After all, he's no mind-reader. So I told him that that wouldn't help, and asked him to do something else instead (I gave him an idea of what I needed). And without missing a beat, he changed his approach. And when we talked about it later and I tried to explain how these things work in my brain, he was really open to it. He simply said that it was something he hadn't considered because he didn't have this issue and didn't have any experience with what that must be like, but that although he didn't understand it from experience, he understood that it was a big deal for me. I was really glad that I took a shot at using this situation to practice communicating my needs and test how he'd respond, because as flabbergasted as I was (wait...he's not gonna fight me on this?!), I was really happy to experience what it's like when someone treats you and your boundaries with respect, even if they don't understand fully.

Three weeks ago, he invited me out to dinner. I think that was our first actual date, looking back. We had a great time, he stayed over, the next morning we just sat on the sofa having coffee and breakfast, and then we decided to go do something together. So we went and picked up his motorcycle, and then we went to a convention together. Afterwards, we did a nice little ride around the area and by the time we got home, it was cold and it was dinner time, so I just made us some food and we snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket and watched video's all evening. He stayed over again, and didn't leave until I had to go to work the next morning. So, effectively, we spontaneously ended up spending the whole weekend together and that's sort of become the norm now. He was with me last weekend as well, and he's picking me up later this afternoon to go away for the weekend together. So I don't think we can reasonably call this casual anymore, haha.

We haven't really talked about it explicitly, though we've had a conversation in which we both expressed that although this whole thing has developed way past what we initially intended it to be, there are no regrets and it feels good. I have told him that I really like him, and that didn't seem to scare him off, so that's good, haha. We're just taking it day by day, and we'll see what comes of it. Quite frankly, I think the way we've been taking it slowly and letting it develop naturally without those awkward 'what are we' discussions nailing it down, have actually helped me work around my usual attachment triggers.

Anyway, that's the update so far.

 :hug:

What am awesome update! That took a lot of courage to try out sharing with him how you felt and what kind of support you need and I'm so so glad that he responded well and supported you the way you needed and asked.

I relate to feeling like the red flag. The way you describe this guy he reminds me very much of my husband. It has taken 30 years of friendship, 18 years of marriage, and 4.5 years of therapy to get it through my head that he loves me, that love can coexist with my cPTSD, that I don't need to hide it all from him, and that he'll love me even when he sees the depths of my symptoms and past.

He himself is as stable and solid as you describe your boyfriend. I used to think he was really weirdly perfect and superhuman until I finally realized that it's just that he grew up not being deeply traumatized and that is the end result of that kind of childhood. It took so very long for me to understand he could love me as I am, not just the version of me that overcompensates for all my flaws.

He also understands me now even though he can't understand from his own experience what any of this is like or how a person can feel so badly about themselves. That comes from me sharing, him listening and respecting, and sometimes it takes a lot of time and repetition.

You are loveable as you are and it sounds like this guy sees that. I hope it keeps going well and that you are more and more able to be exactly yourself and to feel loved FOR being yourself and not in spite of being yourself. 

Thanks Armee, that does sound similar and it's good to hear! For years i've been saying that i'm not looking for a relationship, mainly because I feel that i'm incapable of having a healthy one. But hearing about people who have managed to make it work despite the issues we deal with, and not only that but also to work through those issues and heal (attachment stuff etc), that's awesome.

We went away for the weekend last week, and it was really nice. He had an appointment with a kitchen supplier in Germany on the saturday morning, so we drove to a hotel close to the border in Friday evening. It started snowing really heavily along the way, so it took ages to get there and it was a challenging drive, but it was good. We decided to take my car, because mine would be safer under the circumstances, so I did the driving and I put him in charge of the music, haha. The hotel was lovely (as was dinner and the breakfast buffet), and I drove us to the kitchen place the next morning. It was amusing being there with him, because obviously everyone assumed that we were together and making decisions for a home together. But what made it more amusing was that he actually did ask for my opinion on a number of things and actually took my input seriously, sometimes telling me he thought I was right and actually taking my advice.
After that, we drove back to the city and walked around for a while, had some lunch together, then I drove us back home. We subsequently popped into the supermarket for a few things, made dinner together, cosied up on the couch and eventually went to bed early (because utterly exhausted).

We've been spending our weekends together like this for a few weeks now, and I can't get over how natural it feels. Normally, i'd either be feeling suffocated and shutting down at this point, or i'd be anxious and getting enmeshed. But neither of those are the case. I'm fine on my own, I just really enjoy spending time with him and he feels like an enrichment to my life. It's strange and new, but i'm low-key envisioning what a future with him would be like, and it's not scaring me. I really like this guy, and for as far as I can tell at this point, he's a big green flag and I think we have a pretty good shot (assuming he feels the same way about me, obviously).

I've asked him if he'd like to go away with me over Easter, and he agreed. So we booked a lovely hotel in an area with a lot of nature, because we both like going on hikes. I also told him that my family was having an easter brunch on the morning before we leave, and half jokingly asked him if he'd like to come (not expecting him to actually agree, considering we're not 'official' or anything), but he actually agreed. So he'll be meeting the family, which is exciting . For the few things i've told them about him, they're all very curious, haha. Then today, he asked me to join him for coffee with his parents soon, too. So I guess we're taking another step.

This sounds amazing! And again reminds me of the first time I spent a weekend travelling with my now husband and just being shocked I could comfortably tolerate being with him that whole time. I just felt comfortable and natural and didn't feel like I needed to run away. Wishing the best for this for you!

Just checking in with another relationship update, because this whole experience is just so new and different that I feel the urge to write it down.

Another thing i've noticed that seems very healthy to me and that I really appreciate about him and the way we interact, is how openly he communicates, and how he actually tells me what he needs when it comes down to it. It makes it easier for me to do the same.
N had  a funeral on one day and heard that his uncle had passed on that very same day, so when I texted him at the end of the day to ask him about his day, he obviously said that he'd had a rough day. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he simply said: "Yeah. But later though, I need to decompress a bit first." and then, an hour or two later, he texted me that he was on his way over (as we usually do on monday evenings) and he asked me if we could take a walk. So, we did. We went for a walk, and he told me about his day. Simple as that. But not so simple if I look back at previous relationships and remember how hard i'd have to work at guessing what was wrong, and dragging things out of them.

Last weekend was busy, but lovely.
I had my motorcycle theory exam in the morning, which I passed, yay. I spent the afternoon cleaning the house and going out for coffee, because Friday is my day off. I invited N over for dinner, which he agreed to, and we spent the evening watching Love is Blind (we've been watching that together and subsequently watching the body language analysis video's of it, which is hilarious and interesting, but it also makes for great conversation about all kinds of subject including relationships, values, etc.). Then, the next day, I had a long day ahead of me because I had to perform at a reunion with my highschool band. N actually initially had other plans that evening, but he cancelled those in order to join me, which was really sweet, especially since that meant that he'd not only be tagging along for the gig, but he'd have to sit through the rehearsal and join me for all the highschool-reunion stuff as well. I reckon most would have found that boring, but he seemed genuinely interested in meeting some of my friends, seeing me perform and learning a bit more about my past.

We headed down there in the morning with some time to spare, and ended up getting a coffee at my aunt's café in the neighbourhood. My aunt was really happy to see us and chat, she's also now the first person in my family who has met N. My mum must be jealous, haha. On the way back to the venue, I drove around the area to show him the places i've lived, etc. It's nice to be able to share parts of my life to someone who seems genuinely interested, and who does the same with me (he drove me through his hometown the week before). It makes me feel seen.
After that, we headed back to the venue for rehearsal, and subsequently headed out to get a quick bite to eat. Then we had to go back to the venue, for the first part of the show (which we both watched together). I was a little worried that he'd be bored, but he really enjoyed it. After that, it was my turn onstage. It's kinda funny because N and I know each other from the band we were in together, and now I was onstage with a completely different band and he was sidelined, watching me. After that, we stuck around for a while and watched some of the other bands. We had a great time, but being the old people we are, we did go home before midnight because we were both in desperate need of some sleep at that point.

During the car ride home, we ended up having a pretty important conversation that I’d been meaning to have for a while. You see, I really want to have kids. And up until recently, I assumed that I’d be doing it alone. I have been on the waiting list for donor sperm for a while, and last year, I got a call that I was at the top of the list. At the time, I was just starting a new job and I asked them to postpone for another year until I knew whether or not I’d be getting a proper contract. They were ok with that, though it was unconventional. I was asked to call back in April/May to let them know if we’d be moving forward with things. Well, it’s April now, but obviously, things just got a lot more complicated. I mean, I still want kids (and I know that N does, too), but obviously it’s too soon for us to make that decision and for me to call off the whole donor thing. At the same time, we’re serious enough for it to be weird if I were to go through with the donor thing right now. We’re in that grey area where it’s not a serious relationship yet, but we’re both keen to see where this goes and figure out of this it the ‘real thing’ and we have a future together. We’re in that grey area of figuring it out and it’s going really well. So you can imagine, it was an important conversation to have, to make sure that he knows that this is going on in my life and so that we both know where we stand. He was really understanding about the situation and I was also very glad to get it all out in the open, and to hear from him that we’re on the same page in terms of the stage of the ‘relationship’ we’re in. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with feelings, and that I’m not the only one seeing this as something with serious potential and wanting to figure that out. I’ve also decided that I do need to call the medical center soon and ask them what my options are in terms of postponing, if at all possible. If they put me back at the bottom of the list, that wouldn’t be too bad either, since the waiting list is 1,5 years long. That would give me plenty of time to figure it out, and not so long that I would have aged out of their max age-range by then.

Anyway, we got back home after the gig, ad thankfully, i'd been smart enough to find someone to cover for me at work the next morning, so we could sleep in. After getting up, we went down to a beach restaurant that he frequents, and we had a brunch together. Then, we walked on the beach for a while, and on the way back, we spontaneously went to have a coffee at his mother's. It was a somewhat odd time to do so, because N's uncles passed away that week and the family was preparing for the cremation, but despite everything that was going on, it was nice to meet his mother and step-dad despite the weird timing, and it wasn't half as awkward as I'd normally expect such things to be. Somehow, the whole situation and the conversations were very organic.

We spent the rest of the evening hanging out on the couch at my place, I made us dinner and we were just chilling. Went to bed on time because we both had work in the morning, and N had a rough day ahead of him with his uncles cremation. I also had a job interview that day (I’m looking for something new, as I’m not quite happy with what I’m doing now). At the end of the day, N texted me to ask if he could drop in (he’d only just finished family stuff after the cremation), and then he came over and we went for another walk to talk through everything that had happened that day.

Wednesday, I got my period and I heard that the job I’d applied for really wanted to have me, but they couldn’t make up the hours so I rejected them. I was kind of bummed and complaining about it over text and I mentioned that I’d run out of chocolate. When I got home from the gym that evening, he was at my house, sitting on the sofa with a pot of tea and a bar of chocolate that he went and got for me. I thought that was so sweet.

This weekend, he’s coming with me to meet my family for easter brunch. I’m really excited about it, I cant wait to introduce him to everyone. After that, we’re going away for the weekend to a nice hotel in the middle of a nature reserve, which is going to be great. I’m really looking forward to it.
Excuse the long story with mundane details, it’s more that I feel the need to log this stuff somewhere because it’s all so new to me and it feels significant. Things are just going really well, and I’m happy about it.

There I am again.

Easter weekend was great, despite the fact that N and I both had a pretty bad cold.
He met my family for brunch, and that went really well. Not that I need their approval, but it's just nice to see them get on well. Especially considering the people i've brought home in the past, haha.

Anyway, after that, we took his motorcycle to a hotel in the middle of a nature reserve and spent the weekend there. We walked a lot, talked, chilled, read our books in silence, had delicious food and just hung out. It was really, really nice and we had great weather for the most part. It didn't start raining until the way back on monday, which is always a bit of  a bummer when you're on a motorbike, but hey ho.

I met up with him again yesterday after my classes, and I ended up telling him that I love him. And he reciprocated. In fact, after a few months of 'figuring it out', we've decided to make things official; he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and my unfiltered reply was "f*ck yeah". There's a tiny little part of me, a remnant of my avoidant dismissive attachment style, who is freaking out a little. But it's faint, and i'm sure she's only warning me not to make the same mistakes i've made in the past, and she's right to keep me on my toes in that sense. Because doing things the healthy way this time round, takes a lot of effort. Even though it's a * of a lot easier doing so when you have a healthy, stable partner.
But aside from that, i'm really happy about it. It's a decision we took our time for, and we really took the time to get to know each other. And not without reason, considering i'm not the youngest and time is ticking; I really want to start a family and I dont have time to f*ck around. So to be frank, i'm not just picking a boyfriend, i'm picking the potential father of my children. We're taking it easy, but we're taking it seriously.

So yeah, i'm really happy!

 :hug:

This is awesome!

Pff, can I just say that I feel so incredibly greatful and lucky to have such an amazing man in my life...

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment, lots of things that are good, but stressful all the same.
I got a job offer the other day that I didn't think I was going to get, and i'm happy about it, but they also require a reference from my current employer. Which is scary, because that means that i'm going to have to have that conversation this week, but it's a bit weird to be asking your current employer to do you a solid and recommend you to someone else, so that you can leave. And the thing is, I love my team here, but the new job is a big step forward all the same. So I feel bad for leaving, especially with our current shortages and everything, but I also feel like I need to do this. But as you can imagine, getting ready to have that conversation has been nerve wrecking.

Yesterday, I had a rought day, a few things happened that triggered me and made me feel wonky, and the job situation running in the back of my head was an extra stressor. By the time I got home from my evening job at the gym, my boyfriend was there waiting for me, which is always nice to come home to. When I started telling him about my day, I ended up crying (which is actually a first within our relationship), and he responded so well to that. At first he just held me for a while, then he got me a cup of tea and held me some more. Then, when I'd gotten it all out, he made me laugh with a bit of an inside joke, and eventually, after i'd told him that the biggest issue was that I didn't know how to have that conversation with my boss and what to say, he asked me what I had in mind. He listened to me, took a few minutes to process, asked me some questions, and eventually (from his own area of expertise also) he helped me figure out the best way to approach the conversation and what to say (very specifically, which is what I needed). He wasn't condescending or coddling about it, he knows my strengths and knows what I can do, but he also knows which things I need help with sometimes, even though they might seem small or silly. He seems to understand that it's the little details that get me, and it helps to figure out a step by step approach. But I was overwhelmed and although I would have done it anyway, it was really helpful to talk to him about it.

When I thanked him, he told me something along the lines of, I know you're strong and you're used to figuring everything out by yourself, but sometimes it's helpful to collaborate. You're not alone anymore.
And somehow, that made me feel really emotional. I d*mn near could have cried again.

Later in bed, when we we're cuddling before going to sleep, he sort of repeated that notion. The fact that i'm not alone.
And people have said that in the past, usually it doesn't really land and I brush it off. But this time, it just really hit me.
It feels so good to have someone in my life that I feel safe with, and who has my back and shows it. We haven't even been together for that long, but it feels so profound. I don't feel trapped like I would have done in the past, I find myself wanting to be with him and connect with him more than I ever have with anyone, simply because he lets me be me, he gives me my space (and takes his, too), and I trust him never to take away my freedom (whether it be literally or figuratively). The fact that he lets me be free, makes it safe and desirable for me to connect more.
He makes me feel loved, we can be weird around each other but have serious conversations and such as well, everything just feels so natural...it's like we've been together for ages, and it just fits. He encourages and challenges me, but doesn't push me against my will. He's great at communicating, and doesn't leave me guessing or get passive agressive like any of my previous partners would have done. It's so strange yet so natural, to not have to tread on eggshells all the time.

I love this guy to bits, and I feel so lucky...

Anyway, i'm going to go upstairs and see if my boss is free. I have a conversation to start.

Best wishes with the conversation Alter-eg0.  My experience is that bosses generally understand and I hope that is true in your case.  I appreciate you also sharing about the support you are experiencing in your relationship.

Thanks, Rainy!

So the conversation actually went really well. It really helped, the way my boyfriend helped me out with defining the most important points and the best angle, I had written it down for myself so that I could read it through beforehand and make sure I had it at the ready in my brain.
My boss was really understanding. I made sure that he understood why I couldn't let this opportunity go, and that I did feel ambivalent because I really love my current team. He told me "this is your future, this is something you have to do", and he even said "For our sake, I hope they don't hire you. But for your sake, I really hope they do". And also said: "And if, for some reason, it doesnt work out....you'll just stay here." He was also more than willing to speak to my new employer and give me a good reference.
So where I was initially worried about putting myself in a compromising position by basically putting myself out of a job before I officially have the new one, I now have two viable options. I immidiately sent his details to my (potential) new employer so that they could contact him, and it appears that they did so the very same day. Because I got a message back yesterday, with an invitation to come over there and discuss further details.

So yeah, it looks like I have a new job for the new academic year. I'm a little nervous, obviously, because i'll be starting over once again and that's always hard work. But at the same time, i'm really excited as it has so many benefits for my and for my future. I'll be much closer to home, i'll be able to nerd out, teaching biology at a higher level than i'm currently doing, and the school i'll be working at also has a lot of music and theatre stuff, so i'll be able to get involved with that, too. Furthermore, if I do end up moving in with my boyfriend and starting a family in the future, i'll already be closer to home, so that's great!

Anyway, when I met up with my boyfriend last night after my evening job, he'd went out and gotten me some snacks, because he remembered what I like to eat after work. He'd even made sure to look up which brands I can actually have ( because i'm gluten & lactose intolerant), which is really sweet. He takes good care of me, i'm a lucky girl.

This week was really exhausting, but with good results. Glad i'm off today, so that I can just relax and let it all settle down a bit.

I'm glad the conversation was supportive.  It is difficult to start new jobs and I hope that the transition goes as smooth as it can.  I hope your rest is restful.

Well, another few weeks have passed and in the meantime i've resigned from my current job (effective at the end of the academic year, in july) and I start at my new job after the summer, which is great. Working closer to home is going to save me so much time and energy, and I really hope the work environment is better too. It's these last few weeks that i'm really starting to notice how exhausted I am, and how desperate I am to get out of here. Can't wait!

As for my relationship, things are going well. At the same time, they say that healthy relationships can be triggering if you're used to toxic ones, and i've found that to be true as well. It's like...as happy as I am about our relationship and as sure as I feel about it, at the same time, the more I love him, the more scared I get. Because the deeper I get into this, the more I have to lose. And i've noticed that i've been dealing with some anxiety there. I'll start worrying about the usual, you know, the whole "what if we get to a point where he has gotten to know me so well, that he doesn't like what he finds". And I don't know if I should tell him about those fears, because one of the very things i'm afraid of is that he'll get tired of my baggage and insecuritites eventually, if I let them surface too much. He's a great guy, he cares for me, he's understanding, I just worry that i'll be too much, even for him.

I resonate with what your job and relationship experiences.  Best wishes transitioning to a new job.

I wish you the best in your new job.

Guys, i'm stressed AF.

This year, I was appointed to organize an excursion to the zoo with all our first year students. I've never done this before in this context, so I worked together with a colleague who had.
Three weeks ago, she told me to ask the person who makes the timetables for a list of names of all the colleagues who would be available that day, so that I could appoint supervisors who would be joining us on the day. I needed 13 people (the zoo asks we bring 1 teacher per 10 students), but because there was another excursion on the same day, there weren't many people to choose from.
Anywho, I asked and received the list and shared it with my other colleague who was organizing the other excursion, so that we could divide the supervisors amongst us. She offered to take the list from me, make the cut herself and send it straight to the timetable person. I agreed, assuming it would be finished a.s.a.p. so that I could start informing my people.
A week later, I noticed that there were still no changes in the timetable, so I asked about it. I was told that my colleague hadn't turned anything in yet, so I went to ask her about it. She told me she was almost done, and would send it later that day. Which she didn't.
Over the course of the past two weeks, i'd been getting more and more stressed about it, because the date of the excursion was getting closer and closer, and I still had no supervisors to inform. I emailed her and spoke to her numerous times over those two weeks, and she kept saying that she was nearly done but had to make changes due to people cancelling, and that she'd send it later that day. Which never happened.
Last week, I was away on camp with out second years. After emailing back and forth with her again, this sunday she eventually said she'd have it done by the end of the day and send it to me. But on monday morning, I still hadn't received anything. So whilst I was out on the football field, supervising the school sports day, I sent her yet another message to say that we really, really had to get it done NOW, otherwise the excursions might just fall apart.
When I got back to school, I found her in the hallway and we agreed to sit down and figure it out. She just had to talk to a student first, and she'd be out in 15 minutes. I agreed to wait for her in the teachers lounge, but after 45 minutes she still wasn't there. I was about to get up to find her, when she came in.

Anywho, we made the cut and figured it out, then I immediately communicated with the timetable maker and emailed all the chosen supervisors the details.
And that's when the emails starting coming in with cancellations, colleagues who already had other appointments that day, emails from colleagues who wanted to switch groups, people who were annoyed that this hadn't been communicated sooner, etc. And obviously, I agree with them. I wanted to have this done weeks ago, but I'd been waiting for the necessary info for weeks.

By the time evening came around, I was three people short due to cancellations, and I was really worried that I'd show up to school on Wednesday and have to cancel the whole thing for the lack of supervisors. And even more scared that i'd have to answer for it, because technically, I was the one responsible. And not only that, but I had a bunch of colleagues who were irritated with me for my late communication, and I didn't know what to explain it to them without throwing my colleague under the bus.

So, in a bit of a panic, I eventually contacted one of the principles and explained the situation. I told him that I was worried about the excursion flopping, about all the cancellations, and about the situation that lead up to it, including the fact that my colleague had failed to keep her word on numerous occasions. I also made sure to mention that I wasn't trying to sh*t talk my colleague, I know she's busy and does her best as well (it wasn't lazy or malicious, she's just chaotic), but that I wasn't happy about the way this had gone.

He got back to me pretty quickly to help me figure out the supervisor situation, but he also cc-ed the email to this colleague. So I panicked even more, because I imagined her reading it and being really pissed with me for throwing her under the bus. I probably should have spoken to her about my concerns sooner instead of waiting too long and directly taking it up with the principle, but I didn't. Partly because I felt uncomfortable doing so along the way, and partly because it was already too late and I wouldn't be seeing her anymore before the excursion date. I needed to do something, fast.

The supervisor issue is now resolved, but i'm immensely stressed about coming back to school and facing my colleague(s). I'm not too worried about explaining the situation to the people who were annoyed about the timing, as it wasn't my fault. But I'm worried that that particular colleague is going to be angry with me, and that possibly a few others in our department might be as well.

I'm already tired and stressed, and I can't wait until the summer holidays. But now all I want to do is run away and get out of there asap.

I'm so sorry. That is super stressful. You did the right thing though, letting the principal know in a quiet way. You weren't in control of how he responded though. That and the fall out is out of your hands other than just continuing to be kind and explaining why you needed to bring this to his attention. Trust yourself. You did the right thing. That's all you can do. How others react you cannot control.

Hi all,

It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.

I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).

My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.

The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.

Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."

And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.

Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!

Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.

 :cheer:  :cheer:

Fantastic! So so happy for you!  :grouphug: