my d and i are both closing in on breaking points. she's sleeping in the family room cuz they found rot and mold in the floorboards and ceiling. we've had numerous people out over the past 2 1/2 yrs. tell us the roof needs to be fixed, but the owner only allowed band-aid work done. the last roofer who was supposed to fix the problem cleaned the gutters and put toppers on them. ideally, a large portion of the roof needs to be redone, the wall on that side re-walled, and the floorboards removed and replaced. that's the most pressing problem at this point.
we've also discovered the foundation is cracked and the plywood over it is probably rotted - we'd been told the carpet needed to be pulled up so someone could see what exactly is going on beneath it. we wanted to buy this house so badly, and with so much fundamentally wrong, we just don't know. we certainly won't pay the asking price - and my t called the owner a slumlord. this house has been so mentally and emotionally healing for the both of us, the best neighbors ever, the forest as our backyard, and we could walk to the places we need the most - pharmacy, drugstore, e.r., doc, while the food bank has generously delivered boxes of food to us every month since we don't have a car.
the owner wants to sell it, but the mgt. agent said the place is unsellable after she walked around the house with us while we showed her what we've been putting up with. we were even threatened more than a year ago by someone else from the old mgt. company that if we kept complaining about what's wrong, the owner might just decide to tear the house down and put up condos - so we lived in fear of that happening to the point where my d couldn't use her clogged sink for 2 weeks out of fear of complaining, then because a different kind of plumber had to come in because it wasn't just a clog but the pipes were full of rust and need to be replaced.
the list of this goes on and on. we want to get an inspector in, which we'd have to pay for, to find out their thoughts, and know exactly what else might be wrong, if this is fixable, if we could take the cost of repairs off the asking price, etc. we decided we want to fight for this house cuz we just can't imagine living anywhere else. it's done more for our peace of mind (besides all the landlord crapola) than anywhere we've lived. it's big enough that we can have our own parts of the house to retreat to if we need privacy or a break from each other, and the location is all we could ask for.
all of this is happening in the aftermath of the past few political weeks in the u.s., my continuing work on my past traumas, a lot of drams in my d's life from an old flame, and the anxiety of being told that another someone wants to come look at the house - that's been since sept. amid the pandemic, my anxiety and fears are ramped up sky high. the stress we are now experiencing is affecting us physically and mentally. there was a point about a month ago when i had serious thoughts of retreating from the world. my chest has been hurting me badly for 2 or 3 days now, my legs are wobbly, the past few weeks i've been up all night several times, or waking up after 3-4 hrs. i'm beginning to feel unwell, my d is feeling the same - headaches, fatigue, low energy.
i know this kind of thing is bothering a lot of people cuz of the pandemic, but, quite honestly, that hasn't affected us very much. mostly, we miss being able to go to the library or out to eat for celebrations. no, we're able to walk safely near the forest, see the ocean every day - i'm hearing it right now - and sitting in our backyard w/ coffee and a cig is such a spiritual feeling for me. i call it my chapel of the forest. but, that's how i'm coping now - xanax, cigs, and food. just trying to stay sane. it is so frustrating because all i want to do is work on my issues, get myself healthier, and all these avalanches continue to fall on my head, so my therapy time is mostly spent talking about how i'm trying to cope from day to day. issues are being cast aside cuz i don't have any mind energy to look at them, let alone deal with them.
and, today is the 6th anniversary of when i decided to go nc with D1, and this is the most punishing day of my year. i don't know what else to do anymore. i'm feeling as bad stress-wise as i did when i first left the states and moved to mexico. my sanity feels on the edge, and that scares the grit outta me!
the topping on this cake was that i sliced my finger today while preparing food. blood and more blood. i haven't cut myself in so long, i can't even remember when. i know i went on autopilot just trying to get it cleaned and covered, but it was the last straw. it almost broke me.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
There's so much stress and heartache (D1) going on that I don't even know what to say, san. EMS? Spend the day in your rocker? I'm sending tons of compassion.
:hug: hugs my friend I'm sorry for your struggles. Always sending you positive thoughts and hugs. :hug:
I know what you mean about extra unwanted stress, I myself was at a real low point in the depths of my emptiness looking for meaning due to my abandonment and being made to feel worth less when my sons narcissistic mother informed me she's moving away with him making contact very difficult. It was the last straw and for his sake I've decided to go for custody. It's been really hard. I've recently realized that whatever comes my way regarding stress is always translated (that's the best word I can think of to describe my meaning) through my body, ramping up my already over burdened fight/flight/freeze response. So instead of trying to deal with problems in my head which now feels like avoidance, I try to deal with it via body awareness, just sitting and being with the uncomfortable sensations. I've found this quite empowering, so with you saying about your legs ,chest and difficulty sleeping it reminds me of how I get. I feel my brain is telling me of a physical threat and responds like your saying.
I found a great video on Trauma release exercising which helped engage my nervous system. Its difficult to explain but now I can just sit doing body awareness and follow any sensations which might lead to twitching or unfamiliar body movements, these then sometimes lead to expressions of an emotion that wants to come out and can be quite liberating.
To me these days when I'm going insane coming back to my body often helps.
Hi san, I just wanted to send a hug your way :bighug:
There is so much going on for you right now, practically and emotionally, all of which are linked of course. Your house sounds lovely and I hope that things go well with it :thumbup:
I absolutely can relate to having a pile of bricks fall on you while you're working on recovery and healing. I think all we can do is get through as best we can because life just piles on from time to time and stretches us razor thin.
I love that you can walk in the forest and sit in the back yard and see and hear the ocean - Mother Nature can be so healing so soak it in as much as you can. Maybe imagine us sitting or walking with you and comforting you, helping you to build some strength back to climb out from under all those bricks. :grouphug:
My experience of the impact of stress on health is very sad. On the part of the digestive system: complete loss of appetite, nausea, irritable bowel syndrome (diarrhea, bloating, spastic pain), intolerance to many foods, as with gastritis, lactose intolerance (but it may not have been woken up by stress, some relatives also did not eat dairy products), stone-free cholecystitis, poor absorption of nutrients from food. From the nervous system: daily headaches, sometimes several times a day, woke up at night and shook, threw in a sweat (bed had to be changed and clothes), froze (in the summer at +40 wool sweater and pants with a fleece), sleep disorders (constantly woke up, fell asleep poorly due to anxiety, shallow sleep, lack of deep sleep), PMS with anxiety, fever and nausea, back pain, just constant background anxiety, panic attacks, mixed anxiety-depressive disorder, fears, flashbacks, obsessive fears, fear of getting sick, fear that someone will get sick, and so on, a very acute reaction to any stress, goosebumps waves through the body for no reason. In general, in the last two years, the condition has deteriorated significantly, and I was able to cope with it only 6 months ago. I decided to try to buy a heavy blanket https://sommio.co.uk/ (https://sommio.co.uk/) , according to reviews, it helped to fight insomnia and stress. I am extremely glad that I made this decision because it was my salvation . I hope that my experience was useful for you!
Hi San! I just got around to reading this post. I am sorry for all the stress. I know from personal experience that house problems, and not to mention my experience with manipulative landlords, is incredibly stressful! I wanted to mention that I think it's beautiful that you have found a place that feels like home, even with all its problems and quirks. It is a picture of having compassion on ourselves - seeing through all the leaks, cracks, damage, uncared for property and seeing the beauty and value in it. That's what we are, just like your house. We are traumatized and broken, but so incredibly beautiful and full of exciting potential. I like the picture that you put in my mind of restoring something broken yet so invaluable.
How are you doing lately?
hey,
thanks for asking, pioneer, and thanks for all the well wishes from everyone. not doing well, is the short answer. i miss being here, but have nothing. wish i did.
:hug:
:grouphug:
I hope things turn around for you soon, sanmagic. :grouphug:
Hey san, you can come here with nothing, to get support. You don't have to give while you're here :bighug: :bighug:
Quote from: Blueberry on April 03, 2021, 08:52:55 PM
Hey san, you can come here with nothing, to get support. You don't have to give while you're here :bighug: :bighug:
I echo that :grouphug:
So sorry to hear things aren't good San :grouphug: You don't have to give to receive. If you just want to talk (write) please know we're OK with that. I know you're a carer extraordinaire but you can just be a receiver now, we're really are OK with that I promise.
my body is doing its best to hang on, but each day brings something new in the way of stress-related issues. this house is now a trigger in itself for feeling trapped (we have to stay until our lease is up at the end of june) like i've felt so many times in my life. the struggles we've gone thru, the mind games we've had to deal with from this landlord, the disregard/denial we've been thru for wanting to get basic things fixed up, it's all triggering now. i'm on edge most of the day. now i hate it here, want nothing more than to leave, can't wait till i can get out.
thank you all for your support, hugs, well wishes,, validation and caring. i appreciate each of you so much. love to you all. :grouphug:
this trauma crapola sucks. i'm on more meds just to be able to make it thru the day and also to fall asleep at night. the night meds have now caused me to gain weight and swell up, so i'm also feeling physically uncomfortable in my own skin. this font is called 'andale', and in spanish that means 'let's go'. yes, get me outta here!
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2021, 09:21:33 PM
this trauma crapola sucks.
Yes and amen!!!
I think that for the non-traumatized person, what you and your daughter have been dealing with would be extremely stressful. Add to that how it hooks into the trauma . . . Aghh! :stars: :'(
Sending you and your daughter lots of love and hugs. :grouphug:
:yeahthat: in bucketloads
the struggles we've gone thru, the mind games we've had to deal with from this landlord, the disregard/denial we've been thru for wanting to get basic things fixed up
This is something I know well, but on a lower level than you. My place isn't bad for my physical health.
May the month of June come speedily for you but not too speedily that you don't have anywhere to move to. :grouphug:
notalone and blueberry, your words were exactly what i needed tonite. somehow they've allowed me to settle enough so that i can go to sleep. thank you for that. a blessing indeed. :hug: :hug:
:hug: :zzz: :zzz: :hug:
Sending loads of :hug: your way San, we are here and we care about you. So sorry this is such a tough time :grouphug:
:hug: sending love San I'm sorry your struggling so right. June will be here soon and then you will find a new place and things will start looking up. Just hold on it will get better. Send love and comfort. :hug:
blueberry, the hugs and sleep are just right, especially since doing emdr work and getting my 2 doses of the vaccine this past month. still feeling the effects of the second one, but it wasn't quite as bad as expected. the weird thing about that was that i was almost disappointed. i know how to be sick, feeling crummy, all that stuff cuz i've been that way for so long, but to have this almost abbreviated was something i didn't expect. weird how that can happen. it's almost like being sick is a comfortable way to feel. :hug:
thank you, kizzie, for your warm wishes and support. i've been so under with everything, i've had nothing to give, and writing about it just stirred things up again when there are days that things seem to have settled a bit. what a frickin' roller coaster this is. :hug:
tee, as alwasy, thank you for the love and hugs you've sent my way. they are always appreciated and bring warmth to my heart. we're just hanging on, we'll find a place, we'll make do. it's just been too many times. before i was 30, i'd moved 38 times, and after that another 10 or so, to a different country as well as back to the states, but another state, where i've already moved 3 times in 4 yrs. i've lived in trailers, houses, apartments, even a motel and my car for several weeks. i may be a gypsy, but my blood just wants to settle and be comfortable for a long time. ugh! :hug:
still meeting with my t 2x/week, still quite unstable, and the bigger this stress has gotten, the easier the intrusive thoughts, especially about my ex are able to pop in and i have a harder and harder time pushing them away. like i told my t, i've had so many life experiences with bad people that even something as mundane as sweeping the floor is a trigger (my first hub would get on me that i wasn't sweeping right!) he's dead, but the memories didn't die w/ him. this pile-up has been so tremendous, over the years, my t, at one point, told me (after i'd been telling her about being trapped within the unholy trinity of my icky t, my ex, and my eldest d) that what she's understanding i went thru is nearly unfathomable.
i'd never heard it put that way, but it doesn't seem that way to me, mainly cuz i lived thru it. now, however, this feeling of being trapped has really got me by the short hairs again - trapped in this house and the b.s. we've been put thru by the ogre who owns it, by still now being sure where we're going to live in 2 1/2 months, and trapped by the triggers that continue circling me, jabbing and stabbing me when i'm not looking.
so far, i just cannot feel free of any of it, and am still overwhelmed. my mind is tarnished by neg. thoughts and remembrances that continue to jump out at me, my body is physically exhibiting more and harsher signs of stress, and my brain feels so numb at times, as if it's attempting to give itself a little time off. this crisis mode has gone on over a year and a half now. i'm hangin' as best i can, but if it weren't for my d, i'd be ready to cash it in. it's too much for too long for one person to continue to take and i'm so very afraid of losing my mind. that's the scariest part for me. some days it seems awfully close.
I am so sorry you are struggling and overwhelmed San, I really am :hug:
I know you're not in a good place so maybe your D could contact the housing authority where you live to see if you are eligible? It would take so much off your overloaded plate to have a place to move to that's long term and maybe even offers a bit of a community.
:grouphug:
:bighug: :grouphug: to you san
San, wish I could take off some of the many burdens that you carry. :hug:
thanks, kizzie. actually, from the time i began living w/ my D, she's done 99% of everything - finances, appts., phone calls, dealing w/ anyone about anything. i've had so little to do in that area because she's been so responsible for me. this has all come up, i believe, because i've had such a wonderful relationship with her that all the crapola that's distracted me in other relationships had finally gone away. it left room for memories, triggers, thoughts, - all the ugly junk - to come to the surface and wreak havoc w/ my brain. then, the stress of this house since last sept.,and everything that's gone along w/ it, plus a bunch of deaths of family and friends last year just overwhelmed me, and the stress from that has taken its toll physically, mentally, and emotionally. that's why i'm still talking w/ my t 2x/week - if nothing else, it helps me stabilize, at least for a few days.
i appreciate your suggestion, tho. if she weren't already taking care of so much, i'd definitely look into it. thanks for caring. :hug:
blueberry, those hugs mean the world. thank you so. :hug:
notalone, i so appreciate your support. thank you. :hug:
2 mos. till our lease is up, still nowhere to live. just dealing w/ that stress would be enough, but because of it i'm more vulnerable to intrusive thoughts, inability to sleep, can't hardly get thru a day w/o xanax, my hair is thinning, low energy, etc. i just want to settle someplace quiet for a while. that sounds like heaven to me right now. i haven't been able to process using emdr cuz last time i did my legs went out, and now i've got a fear of that running through my brain. hopefully, we will be able to target that, relieve some of it. honestly, it's been one thing after another. no breaks. ugh!
:grouphug: and :hug: San, like Notalone I wish I could do more than hugs.
:grouphug: :bighug:
Hey, that sounds like so much! Uncertainty and legitimate fear. I hope you can have a bit of peace amidst all the unknowns. :hug:
Hi San,
Just reading this and I hope things have gotten better for you. Sending a hug if you want it. Have been learning about mold and it's impact on us and anxiety is a big one. Moreso, if you're genetically susceptible to it too. I hope you moved and are feeling better but apparently spores can also live in porous materials. So, if you moved there's a chance it may have moved with you. I agree with your t that the owner sounds like a slumlord and it's awful that they threatened you like that.
dolly