Okay, looked around on the site a little more, giving this journal thing a try.
There are good days and bad days. Today is a more challenging day. I was tasked with something that in retrospect I handled like I normally do in an EF, so that wasn't helpful. I felt pretty resistant to the task (did it anyway), probably dissociating a bit through the whole thing. I was angry and frustrated, feeling inadequate at this task that I didn't have experience with. I did ask some people who I knew knew more than me for help, but (it felt like) they brushed me off, like they were just like explaining this to someone who had more knowledge than me, so that fed into some... thought processes. So, I guess I felt pretty abandoned when I was reaching out for help on something I didn't know. Then I didn't get the help I wanted, which kinda made me push towards the more independent, "let's figure this out myself" sort of response. Others did say to ask them for help if I needed it, but I felt resistant to that. I'm confused about the whole thing and I'm not sure what to do. Like, I really want to believe that I can have help and ask for it, but on the other hand I'm stuck in the not asking and just "toughing it out" phase. I don't know what to do about that.
I saw a few therapists, but none of them really helped/understood what I'm going through. In fact, their treatment approaches actually made my symptoms worse. So, I'm kind of just going at it alone for right now. I feel pretty..... insecure? about finding another one right now. I had an intense flashback during the last session with my last therapist and instead of helping me through the process of processing my emotions and helping with that particular arrested development, she immediately hopped on the antidepressants and intensive care train. That made me feel even more isolated and scared and distrusting going forward. It was reminiscent of the 0-60 reactions from my M. I'm good.
One day at a time.
Gravity, the thoughts you shared resonate with me as I have had similar experiences. I appreciate you sharing and hope you can find some support along your journey here.
Gravity, I'm sorry you had such a hard day. I feel you, when you just see yourself all alone, trekking this whatever "life trail". I'm sorry you didn't find good therapist for you, the journey to find him/her is long for most of us. I just wanted to send you a hug if it's ok and congratulate you for starting your first post. :hug:
Thank you rainydiary and marta1234. I will definitely accept hugs as it helps to feel something positive like that.
Ha, I just remembered how my M would force me to give hugs to people I didn't want to give hugs. Of course I would do them anyway so I didn't get guilt tripped even more than I was already guilt tripped into giving the hugs. I feel angry about being forced to do something I didn't want to do.
There's something related to that I want to share. My M would never respect my boundaries. She would always just burst into my room (she kept her clothes and random stuff in there with mine, so I didn't even have my own room in her house) and the only way I would know is by her footsteps. I remember changing when she again burst through the door, and the way the house was laid out, you could see into my room if the door was open. People were around, so I was understandably upset. I told her to knock next time, thinking she would actually stop and wait for me to say it was okay to enter. Well, she knocked and burst in anyway. I'm pretty sure I told her to wait for me to confirm, but she didn't listen. Then I would start locking the door, which definitely got the message through for the most part.
This relates to a recent incident where my SO knocked and walked into the room when I was in a meeting. I probably was triggered now that I think about it. I was close to being done, and probably should've just sent them a text that I would be done in a few minutes, but they knocked and entered anyway. It made me upset, and I tried to explain to them, but they got defensive over it, which kicked off a huge and rapid spiral for me. I became visibly upset, and the next thing out of their mouth and the tone of (probably perceived) disgust was just horrible. "Are you really that upset about what I did?" Yes, yes I am. I asked you before to wait for my confirmation and I am upset that you didn't do that.
I became very distraught, knees pulled to my chest, rocking hard, looking for help. I felt very abandoned, attacked, full blown EF. I was scared, alone, fearful, really distressed, like a wild animal, just searching for safety. Something flipped in my SO, and they calmed me by not offering advice, not offering help, just comforting me. That helped a little. They don't have the history I do, so this is difficult for them to understand, but I appreciate them doing their best even when I'm not at my best. I don't know what I did to have the opportunity to spend my time with such a patient, understanding person and I really want to manage all of this better because they really are awesome. I'm trying my best to explain all of this to them, but it's difficult.
One day at a time.
Another challenging day. A lot of self-deprecating and self-depreciating thoughts running wild. I'm trying to employ Pete Walker's 13 steps, but today is especially difficult. I'm also highly stressed, so that's not helping very much.
Today was better. Actually took some time to walk through the 13 Steps and I feel more centered.
Hi Gravity,
I'm glad that you found Pete Walker's steps helpful, and that yesterday was better. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks Hope, I really appreciate it.
Today was okay. A couple positives that are helping to lift me out of this funk. I really underestimated in-person social interaction with my friends. Most interactions are in front of a screen, which is pretty alright considering the circumstances of the current world, but it is no substitute. I also think part of it is I'm so heads down in work that I don't allow myself to have relaxed socialization. But it was really nice to actually talk to them. Something to work towards, eh?
It's incredible how someone can hold two polar opposites within themselves. The dissonance. Like, logically I know my friends like me and want to be around me, but the feelings of isolation and self-abandonment are so powerful. Those feelings tell me that's not true, they don't really like me, nobody wants to talk to me. It's highly distorting. It's like I have this huge black entity that keeps me crushed against the ground. I fight back, but it's like I don't have my heart in it. I hope that makes sense. I'm pretty bad at explaining things at times.
I feel like the last couple of days are slowly improving. I made a new friend who is very, very compassionate and I think that helps a lot. Someone to say, "That sucks." or "That's unfair." I'm trying to not just pour everything on them, finding the balance because maybe I did too much of that in the past. I guess I'm just scared that if I dump too much on them too many times they'll get tired of me and start ignoring me.
Another day down.
I had a pretty bad weekend. I was in high distress and turned to someone who always comforted me in the past, but this time they gave me harsh truths instead of comforting words. I felt very alone, very isolated, very misunderstood, very panicked. I don't know what more I can do to explain to others what I need when they keep disregarding me like this. Who do you turn to when your last line of defense is no longer supportive?
I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore and I know I'm dissociating because everything is so cut off, numb, dead inside.
My SO wonders why I'm so wracked with all of this pain and I think I realized it recently: because I was dissociating so hard that I appeared functional, but now that I'm staring the beast in the face, all of its snarling, degrading, undermining insults with no weapons to actually defend myself against this. I'm trying my best here carve off manageable, digestible chunks but sometimes the chunks are too big and I need help. These are my cries to those around me to help me carve down these pieces I thought I could handle on my own but can't.
My SO wonders why we're not intimate anymore. Because somewhere along the way I was hurt so deeply by someone I trusted absolutely; I'm shut down. All defense levels to the max. I will never allow myself to be hurt again. Prove to me you won't hurt me again.
I don't know what happened. I'm stuck and I can't find a way out.
I'm looking for another T again because I don't know what else to do. I keep hurting those I care about around me and I don't know why. I just want to be okay again. I want to feel again. I want to enjoy life's simple beauties and stop seeing nothing but the tragedies. I want to help others like me and give them a voice, too. I want to be safe again.
I want to be safe again.
Hi Gravity. I am sorry you've been having such a tough time this week (and even months) and weekend. I feel for you when you talk about having harsh truth instead of comfort. I've had that happen to me so many times, and it felt devastating everytime someone who I looked up to did that. I feel that because cptsd is a survival mechanism and is very well integrated into our daily lives, the issues and drastic symptoms we face are never shown to the outside world. For example, for most of my teen years I was depressed, but I couldn't show it. So my close family only found this out when I told them. However, for me, with very close people, I allow myself to tell them that all I need is a hug and comfort.
But I see you Gravity and what you're dealing with. I'm going through that too sometimes. Sending you much love and support (if it's ok). :hug:
Thank you very much, marta1234. I really, really appreciate what you said, the support you're offering, and I will definitely take that hug.
Looking for a new T. One I inquired was full, which makes me feel sad, but that's okay. It's an unusual time and it's understandable the mental health system is strained. I'm trying to not take it personally I guess is what I'm saying.
I found some CPTSD memes and it's incredible how every single one speaks to me. It's given me a sense of community, which helps, I think, as well as a great vehicle to say the things I can't say to those close to me. My poor inner child, grasping at anything to explain while trying to find the words and a voice.
One day, little one, you'll be able to speak again.
I'm sorry the person that you reached out to was harsh instead of comforting. That's really hurtful.
Thank you, notalone. It was hurtful, wasn't it? It certainly felt that way.
Hi Gravity,
I'm sorry you had that experience, and I hope you can find a new T. I'm glad you found the CPTSD memes helpful.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope. I appreciate the hug :hug:
This were going alright for a while. I stood up for myself, which I think I needed, and I think I conducted myself appropriately, but I have that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I shouldn't've done that, that there's some punishment on the horizon and I should've just stayed quiet. It's so hard to separate out the falsities my brain is telling me and to be confident and proud of what I did.
I reached out to some Ts, but they never got back to me, so that also leaves me feeling a bit defeated.
There's a project I'm working on for weeks now that suddenly needs to be changed, and I feel like I should've been told earlier in this whole process. We have check-ins with the overseer, so I feel like this should've been brought up earlier. It triggered me really badly, spiraling really hard into all the usual things. I feel very overwhelmed and blindsided. The overseer is very hands off and doesn't say anything unless you talk to them personally, which I think is very unfair. I don't feel safe with this person to have that sort of back and forth relationship. I don't feel like the environment is safe, positive, and encouraging. I just feel like quitting because everything is so overwhelming right now; I have to essentially overhaul the project. I have to fit 7 weeks of work into 3. I don't want to do it. I can't bring this up to anyone because when I brought something similar like this up to others I thought could help me, I was dismissed and nothing happened. I don't feel like I have any power to change anything and I don't have a voice. I'm back in my childhood again. There's no hope. There's no chance of escape. If I leave, everyone would look down on me and label me as a failure. Everyone is so exceptional and I am not. I have no idea how I even got here. I don't belong here. No one is helping me. No one cares.
I found a possible T, just need to actually speak with them. They say they have experience with CPTSD, so I'm cautiously hopeful. I'm a little scared but curious about EMDR, which I read about in The Body Keeps the Score. Might as well try it as the other approaches haven't worked yet.
Just trying to recover from the pretty bad flashback. I feel.... tense, agitated, like by heart is beating fast. I need to reincorporate deep breathing again. That helped a lot.
Congrats on finding at least a possible T, that's a step forward :cheer:
I wanted to also add to your last post, that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. And the rejection when opening up to someone in hopes of help or validation is something, sadly, most of us have had to experience. Your triggers are valid. Your unpleasant feelings of this situation is valid (I would also feel the same way if I was in your position).
Sending you love and support, Gravity. You are not alone in this. We all are marching along with you. :hug:
Thank you marta1234 for the validation. It really means a lot.
So, the possible T is not able to see me, but they went out of their way to help me find someone else, which I personally find impressive. This person has done a lot more than the other Ts I tried to contact in the last few weeks. Again, cautiously hopeful.
I noticed for the last few weeks, I wake up so angry. I don't know why I'm constantly angry for the first 10 mins or so of each morning. I'm guessing I'm waking up in a flashback every day. I'm not sure how to counteract that. In a way, I do feel like I'm an angry teenager again. Like, I started this whole journey as a scared child, and now emotionally I feel like an angry teenager. Progress? I think so, in this one regard, at least.
I also feel pretty accomplished today. I was able to work through a problem in a subject area that I'm not very experienced in and have struggled with for the last few years. When I found the solution, there was this strange release of just everything. A flood of emotions. There was... relief? Pride? Validation that I'm not as terrible or inept as I thought I was? It was so gratifying. I cried tears of so many emotions. It was nice.
Thanks for sharing, Gravity. I was having a really difficult day, and picked up your journal. I could relate to so much of it. I'm having an angry teenager/scared little kid tug of war inside me today. My angry side results in a lot of guilt and shame. It really helps to feel not so alone with all these conflicting feelings. I'm really glad you've found a T. I've had one for just a couple of months and now I both look forward to and fear our sessions, but I find I always feel some relief after, like some weight has been lifted, and I even relief from physical symptoms like pain and sleep problems.
Thank you Violet Magenta for also sharing what you're going through. I completely understand the feelings of anger followed by guilt and shame. It's bewildering and unsettling to one's self, perhaps a reflection of the relationship(s) we had to survive.
I'm also glad you have a T that you feel comfortable with and are finding relief in. That is wonderful :)
I want to share something that I think is a big deal for me.
I was listening to a lovely piece of music and something about it led me along a thought string. I'm afraid I'm repeating the same pattern of abuse and I saw my inner child curled up, crying. They were scared, fearful that I was repeating the same things my M did to me against my SO. They were so sad. Thoughts of being a bad person and the need to isolate were dominant. If I hid myself away, no one would have to suffer my abuse. That was so painful. But my present self told my little self the things they were doing were trained responses to survive an abusive M. These were just reactions to protect myself and survive. I grabbed their hand, and pulled them in for a tight hug. I told them they were so kind, compassionate, creative, loving. I was proud of them for just being them. We can work together to find healthier ways to be better, to replace the learned responses. We can dance in a field of flowers with a sublime sun setting over trees. We will be okay.
I cried at the compassion I had for myself. Little by little I'm accepting others' compassion into myself. There's less and less resistance each time. I want to make small things for my friends to show I care. I want to give what I have, as small as it is. I want to be better than my M. I'm slowly reclaiming the parts of me I lost for so long. It's like I've been trapped in a tar pit for years. Someone helped me out, but I couldn't take the tar off myself. Others have worked through layers and layers, and now I have a glimmer of skin. Thanks to my friends' and SO's support, I can do start taking some off the tar off, too.
Quote from: gravity on October 23, 2020, 10:27:42 PMIt's like I've been trapped in a tar pit for years. Someone helped me out, but I couldn't take the tar off myself. Others have worked through layers and layers, and now I have a glimmer of skin. Thanks to my friends' and SO's support, I can do start taking some off the tar off, too.
I am a visual person and I can relate to your picture of the tar pit. Wonderful that you are growing in self-compassion and that your are able to take in others' care also.
Thanks, notalone. I'm glad my visual helped you.
I made some nice treats today for my friends. They liked them! It made me feel good. I'm glad they liked the treats.
It's been a while. I've been up and down a lot, just trying to steer the ship towards calmer waters, but it still feels like quite the struggle. Still trying to find a T, but I feel like I fluctuate wildly on how I feel about that.
There were a couple memories that popped up that I'm trying to integrate into my life and the fact I think I'm identifying self-sabotaging behaviors probably is related to those.
I remember there was a time where my F was out of town for a few days, so my M had to take care of me. I woke up really, really sick and couldn't go to school. I was really fatigued and could barely get myself out of my bed let alone grab my bag and wait for the school bus. This was pretty unusual for me. I was home alone because both parents worked. When my M came home, she asked if I went to school. I said no and said I felt really sick. She then berated me for not going to school, made me feel ashamed and guilty for not going when I was so clearly sick. She told me I needed to go to the school the next day. I didn't. Same thing. I could barely get out of bed. Something was really wrong. And again she berated me. I had to convince her I needed to go to the doctor, so we did. What do you know, I had strep. We go to pick up the medicine, and she is complaining that she has to pay 60 dollars for something that could save my life. It's a wonder I'm so hesitant to ask for help when I'm clearly suffering and need help or very defensive with medical help.
I imagined what I would've done in that moment with that scared little person who was so sick. I would believe them right away and take them for help right away. It's not their fault for being sick and they will not be shamed for it. I would stand between them and their M, protecting them from the abuse. I would whisk them away to get the help they needed and tell my M to stop beating up a scared, defenseless child. I would make lots of soup and tea for them, pile on blankets and give them the TV remote. They would be comforted, protected, and safe.
Another memory (This may warrant a Trigger Warning: Gore) is when I was playing with my sibling, just some silly chasing games around the house. Well, I hurt myself on my hand and I swear I saw the fat and muscle underneath. I start panicking because, well, why not? I'm conditioned to panic at this point, so that's what I do. I'm bleeding and insisting we need to go to the hospital to get stitches. My M takes me into the bathroom, pours some hydrogen peroxide on my hand, and slaps some gauze on it. She said we didn't need to go to the hospital and to just deal with it. I was in pain for days if not weeks while it healed. I couldn't play my instrument very well, I couldn't partake in certain class activities, and I am amazed I have negligible effects of that accident today. I feel so sad and angry at how I was brushed aside and invalidated like that. I feel so sad for my inner child and what they had to go through.
What would I do in that instance? I would be very concerned, take them to the bathroom to at least get them stable, emotionally and physically. I would tell them it's okay, it was just an accident and if they wanted to go to the hospital to be taken care of we can go there. We will be okay and I would do my best to get them the care they needed. Lots of comfort, lots of understanding, lots of love.
The thing I realized with my M and her "parenting" was she never apologized, never thought the punishments were disproportionate to the crime, never thought it was unfair. That makes me feel so sad and angry for this helpless child. My M was suppose to protect and support me, but all I got was conditional love and punishments. It's so unfair.
Finally have an appointment with a new T. They say they're very familiar with CPTSD and that makes me cautiously hopeful. I read the paperwork and there were some similar things from a previous therapist I really liked but had to discontinue treatment, so I'm taking that as a positive sign.
On another front, I struggled this week with feelings of belonging and connection. It was like I was wanting to be part of a friend group, but no one could pick up on my subtle signals? I was putting a lot of weight on how people interacted with me, and taking the negatives from it. That doesn't help as it pushes me further into myself and eschewing any small connections I have with others. It's like I'm telling myself they don't really care about me, so why bother putting any more effort into this relationship? A learned defensive behavior, I'm sure. But it really upsets me and my inner child because I really need the attention and people glossing over me or ignoring me or not making a small effort to include me reminds me of the many times my M did the same thing. How do I break out of this? Maybe the T will have some guidance on that front.
I hope it goes well with the new T, Gravity. Fingers crossed.
I hope that this T is someone who is skilled, compassionate, and with whom you have a connection.
Thank you Snowdrop and notalone. I appreciate it.
I had to step away for a bit as my symptoms/inner critic/outer critic became very toxic and I needed time to sort through all of that.
Had my first meeting with my T. I like them so far. It feels like a much better fit than before. I'm hoping we can do a lot of work together to get me back where I need to be, resolve a lot of the buried pain with guidance.
Has anyone else in their recovery feel like they made good progress and then your brain was like, "You got a hold of the surface-level stuff, here's the deeper stuff," and became blindsided at how much more difficult it was to get back into a safe place? I feel like that's something I'm struggling very hard with right now, so I'm hoping the new T can guide me through that.
There was also an article I read about the different things people say/do that invalidate survivors, but I have no idea what the link is or where it is. I swear it's here on the forum somewhere, but I can't seem to find it. There were some things said to me that I want to double check against that list to, idk, validate myself, I guess. Does anyone know what that could be? I'll keep looking, too.