I just processed an interaction I had today and I don't know where else to say this.
Dear Colleague,
I've written to you before and addressed you differently. The nature of our relationship seems to have changed so a name change seems ok.
I am deeply hurt by the manner in which I felt dismissed by you today. I would say this hurt extends beyond today but the events of today really pushed me across a line.
We restarted work about 3 weeks ago. The first few days you literally would not look at me when you entered a room. Seriously? In those moments I felt so small yet so angry at you. That is some petty stuff.
At a moment that felt right, I initiated a conversation to clear the air over our issues that began last year. It seemed to help. I thought we would be on a better track. That we would find a way to work together.
And now? You gave me the worst times to do my work. The timing ensures I will not be successful. I agreed to this time in an attempt to support you and your plans. But now it is just a recipe for us judging one another and not working together.
I have empathy and can see how this is a hard time for you. I have empathy because last year I was so mentally unwell I don't know how I got by. I have empathy because I know you are trying to do right by the people you are caring for.
Yet I will no longer take on your inability to have a direct conversation with me. Yes I could initiate a conversation too. I will work toward that. But I have tried to open up the communication. You have told me things are fine. If they aren't fine then stop saying that to me. If you want to be a martyr, go ahead.
I am so sad by this time and what it is doing to people. But you were treating me this way before the pandemic. I don't want to feel badly every time I walk away from an interaction with you. I'm not sure how to do that yet.