I do the Zoom NAASCA meetings, and learnt about emotional flashbacks. I sort of understood it before, but was able to recognise it in another person, and in so doing, came to see it in myself.
One of the main flashbacks is being frightened of going home after school. Frightened of being told off, punished, humiliated or hit.
I could not help but feel empathy for myself: but I do practice empathy every day...even if i don't feel it.
It is a painful emotional memory, but I am trying to reassure myself that it is pain and fear from long ago.
Slim
I feel empathy for that boy you were, and can recognize that feeling in myself. I'm glad you are able to get a deeper level of understanding and so hopefully more empathy for yourself. You deserve it. :hug:
I didn't feel safe going home either Slim. :'( You didn't deserve any of what was inflicted on you, you were just a boy and like TR I hope the empathy becomes real and enduring, you deserve peace and freedom from fear, anger, shame :grouphug:
Its a bit annoying, because I feel frightened, quite teary, but also a feeling of "to * with everything" and "I dont care - I refuse to do anything" - like a tantrum.
This feeling doesnt make much sense: has anyone else had this?
Yup, that sounds like how I get sometimes. Sometimes it's a good thing. 😎😉
Thanks Three Roses and Kizzie
I'm actually working on the tantrum thing w/my new T Slim - if it helps we/I view this reaction which often happens in the face of awful behav by others. My teen self never got to express the anger, fear, rage she felt at being abused and I guess I keep her on lockdown a lot of the time because she felt/feels the most anger and I am afraid of her and it. Expressing anger only ever brought me more abuse and shame. The teen in me keeps having tantrums because she needs and deserves to be heard.
Again, if it helps we're aiming to accept that regulated anger is or can be a healthy emotion - it alerts us to abuse and can be used to set boundaries with others. Instead of pushing it away or stuffing it down, I try to feel it and to reassure my teen it is helpful and healthy as long as we/I express it in a regulated way. Easier said than done I know, but I do seem to be making some progress.
Hope this is helpful Slim, if not please disregard :hug:
Here's a (hopefully) helpful link that talks about what I was trying to say in my post Slim - https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-should-say-no-to-positivity-and-yes-to-our-negative-emotions/.
Excellent article, Kizzie! I liked this part especially -
QuoteSuppressing or turning away from our difficult emotions is not healthy or helpful, says David. "What happens is, it undermines our ability to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be," she says. "This is associated with lower levels of resilience, lower levels of wellbeing, and higher levels of depression and anxiety. And it also impacts our relationships and our ability to achieve our goals."
That is exactly why I stayed in an abusive marriage for 27 years, and only left when my health began to seriously deteriorate. I repressed my own need for safety, respect and stability to meet the (sick and wrong lol) expectations I held of what marriage was.
We've since reconciled tho, and those events helped give my h the incentive to seek change and healing in and for himself. We are both much happier these days.
I will go on to say, however, that imo there's too much emphasis on labeling emotions as negative or positive. An emotion is really neither good nor bad, and only the action it spurs us to take is healthy/good or harmful/bad. But that is just a layman's opinion. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Quote from: Slim on July 20, 2020, 06:56:44 PM
Its a bit annoying, because I feel frightened, quite teary, but also a feeling of "to * with everything" and "I dont care - I refuse to do anything" - like a tantrum.
This feeling doesnt make much sense: has anyone else had this?
Yes, I feel like that sometimes. I think it's when I feel overwhelmed &/or hurt. "I don't care" is like a shield: if I don't care, I can't be hurt. It doesn't work. :Idunno: Also, in me it is probably a younger part's reaction/way of trying to cope.
Thx notalone. It helps, because as usual I think I am the only one. My therapist told me yesterday that "of course you feel angry, and stubborn, and dug your heels in...it was a positive reaction, to all the horrid things, that made no sense, and really hurt".
My therapist went on to say that this is one way I coped, and that it is was a good strategy to manage the craziness. He said that without it, I might not have survived, mentally or physically.
For him, defenses like anger, and passive aggression are not negative, bad or shameful, but have goodness in them, as they helped me on my journey.
Kizzie, thx for the link. I could listen to Susan David all day, much like Brene Brown.
Slim
Quote"of course you feel angry, and stubborn, and dug your heels in...it was a positive reaction, to all the horrid things, that made no sense, and really hurt"
What we all need to hear (and believe) :thumbup:
Quote from: Slim on July 20, 2020, 06:56:44 PM
a feeling of "to * with everything" and "I dont care - I refuse to do anything"
This feeling doesnt make much sense: has anyone else had this?
I have this part still, but not so much mixed with sadness or fear anymore. I actually repeatedly said "I don't care" to my parents as a 6-8 yo (about the damage I was doing to myself). They used to say "Well you
will care later" but they were wrong. Probably as notalone says it worked as a shield. In my case I think it did work to a certain extent and even still does maybe, as unhealthy as it is when it ends in an eating binge e.g.
Slim, my T agrees. Anger is not 'bad' in itself. In fact you need it to set boundaries and protect yourself.
Thx Blueberry.
I'm a work in progress....
Slim
Slim, I have so much compassion and understanding for you now, and also for that little boy that felt so scared. I have so much empathy for all the feelings you are feeling, and the way they toss you about. Why do I not extend that to myself? Why do we do that to ourselves? Sending you support and compassion as you navigate...
The part of me writing this, has a story to tell. A story of agony, confusion, and betrayal. The word Trauma does not begin to capture my experiences.
My being, was replaced by a life of pain, and I felt this to be an awful ugliness. My other parts were afraid of me. (Other parts: The professional me, the musical me, the father me, the husband me.)
Because I identified myself as sub-human, I did not see that I was worth befriending. My other parts used to run from me, and were ashamed of me.
But today, the other parts want to be friends with me. They bear witness to my feelings of wanting to be dead. They support me when I have feelings of wanting to be a reminder (ie like a statue), of what human cruelty can be.
My other parts stay with me and support me and can hear me say that a sexual relationship is something I cannot experience.
They listen and do not wince when I confess that Sex is the most painful, ugly experiences i have ever had. It was not pleasurable and most certainly not a relationship. It was the ugliest devil-tainted filth that i was subjected to. Sex is something that was done to me.
My other parts love me even though I say that I will never heal from that. They love me as even though I am irrational, misguided, broken, damaged creature, that does not feel worthy of being healed, and is anyway too frightened of healing as it might show me the extent of my damage.
And how damaged and frightened of a sexual relationship, which is the most natural thing in the world
This is my emotional flashback
Slim
(To the part that wrote this -) These are profound insights. I am at a loss for words but I want you to know I support you in your healing. You are worthy of healing. You were changed by what was done to you. I understand and empathize that healing itself is intimidating and scary. Like digging in a minefield.
In IFS therapy, some parts who have taken on jobs for the Self, that no longer serve the Self's best interest, can be offered new jobs of their own choosing.
If I may use the word, I'm praying for your release from this oppression and the false definition you've taken on as a result. ♥️
Yes Three Roses
You gave me the tip about IFS, and it has helped me accept and appreciate the different parts of me, and not to ignore or marginalize them.
With time the degraded, humiliated part of me will grow.
And "Praying" is fine by me :)
Slim
QuoteWith time the degraded, humiliated part of me will grow.
:applause: :hug:
I am glad your other Parts are hearing you and supporting you. I hear you that sex means pain and ugly experiences. You were deeply wounded.
Yes, notalone.
It is a raw wound that is very sensitive to physical and emotional intimacy. But the rest of me is looking after that part now. Helping it to feel like it belongs. Reassuring that part, making it feel worthy, and explaining that it does not need a role or function, to be part of this human being. There is no shame in not having a role.