The more things change, so goes the old cliche, the more they stay the same. That's the ton of bricks :fallingbricks: I find myself under. Again. Normal. Never changes. More of that and why bother looking for it to be any different ... it's my life story. Which, as I was told endlessly from the start, is all my fault. It was so obvious I was totally unwanted, and that feeling forever haunts me if nothing else does. Worst is when I join them in hating me.
Oh sure, there's glimmers here and there. I'm pretty good at boosting myself with pep talks and other yadda-yaddas, before settling right back into the next round of self-hatred and sense of failure. While not wholly true, the feeling was planted like an irreversible tattoo and overrides decades of trying to get out from under those bricks. Called coping, this quickly reverts to resignation that I really can't turn the corner, that I was and still am unwelcome in a world I don't understand and don't want to be a part of, with its hatred and spite.
Go figure -- my T tells me my mood has seemed better lately. Maybe that's even true, for a while. I'm not sure it matters; I've already lost out on life, anyway. Actually, even improvement scares me -- it's like the old notion of watch out for the other shoe to drop even if some things occasionally seem better. Whenever I start to feel good about myself, the tiniest hole in my balloon will pop and I flounder in pain yet again. I know it can't be real -- some of this happened decades ago -- and yet it won't give up its hold on my psyche. I'm still ruined or ... is that just the perfectionism I'm desperate for?
This is all so familiar. Tired, overwhelmed, and ... no, I don't want to go any further. It's pretty bad when the best one can hope for is a teeny little bit less 'progress' lest it turn into yet another dead end and false dream. Always being afraid is just so discouraging; maybe that's a good sign. Probably good/bad is just irrelevant -- no one can ever say I didn't survive. That's often all that holds me together, yet even that seems so flimsy, so artificial. Neither good or bad, but I wanted so much more than mere survival. Like love, and all that; no one cared then, and it's never going to happen now. Another misfit bites the dust.
Hey woodsgnome, I'm sorry to hear your struggling.Your post resonates with me. I don't know if I have much to offer in the form advise or encouragement. I've been having a particularly hard day as well but I wanted to let you know I hear you.
Hi Woodsgnome, I can't put my words together properly this morning, but I do want you to know that I care, and want to send you a supportive hug, if that is something you can accept at the moment :hug: I know you're going through a tough time right now. :grouphug:
What your T said to you sounds like it was triggering, even though she pointed out something she perceived as positive - but maybe it was frightening to parts of you.
Just ignore anything I've said that doesn't help - I just wanted to let you know that I care.
Hope :)
I hear you, loud and clear, my friend. You are important to me. You are cared for. You support others here. You are worthy to receive it as well.
I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you're having, and wish there was something I could say that would help you. I guess I'll just say that I think of you often. And, I care about you.
Woodsgnome, first of all I am sending you a hug :hug:
I hear what you say and I think I understand what you are feeling right now. Your words resonate with me. I think I know that familiar feeling of pain and disconnection - comfortable due to how often I've felt yet painful for how deep the pain is.
I'm sending you positive healing vibes X
woodsgnome, I'm sending support and care! :hug:
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, Woodsgnome. Please know that I care about you, and I'm offering supportive hugs. :hug:
:hug:
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. This stuff is exhausting and can feel unrelenting.
It was suggested to me in a recent conversation that maybe a part of me was afraid of change and of improvement, because it was new and unknown. We tend to want to stick with what's familiar, even if what's familiar is painful or miserable. It's hard to imagine a future without all the pain and hurt. It's scary because we can't picture what that would be like. No idea if any of this at all is at play for you right now, but thought I'd throw it out there for what it's worth.
I haven't been around here long but you seem like a very kind, caring, and supportive person who is well liked and appreciated here. You are wanted here and if you had a FOO that didn't want you, well, that's on them and says nothing about you. They are missing out on a special person.
I hope you can get some relief from these difficult feelings.
Woodsgnome, my heart hurts over the pain you are experiencing. I have said and felt many of those things myself so I know how dark it feels when you are in the middle of it. You are important and precious. :hug:
Sorry you're going through such a rough time woodsgnome. Recently, I've been feeling that I've missed out on things I can never get back as well. I try to focus on the fact that there's always tomorrow. Not necessarily to feel so much better, or some miracle, but just to be okay. I think sometimes that's what is most important. Hope you feel better soon. Take care!
I just wanted come here and send my support, woodsgnome. I don't have much to say, I'm unable to find the words but I want you to know that I hear you and invite sorry you're going through this. I can relate to everything you wrote, those same thoughts I've had myself.
Just wanted to send a supportive and gentle hug, if it's ok. :hug: You are not alone in this.
Words would never come close to describing how thankful I am for all of your support, so I'll do it this way -- :hug: .
I mentioned that my T has noted what she hints at as being progress in some areas -- quite a feat considering how deep the levels of grief and despair can fall, especially when one wants only to vault ahead and be done with the seemingly endless pain. So often this results in just wanting to shuck it all, right to the edge of giving up. Been there, done that -- too often, but shakily I look around and see I've survived yet again.
Part of what's happening for me is perhaps a form of EF; I think of all the 'turning points' I've had in the past and how things seemed so hopeful and yet went so awry. I begin to think 'perfectionism' even when hope beckons to at least accept where I've been able to claw my way forward. Maybe eliminating the 'I think' portion and just 'be' true to my essence is key. After all, my essence did, against considerable odds, somehow survive.
And now should come the thriving, shouldn't it? That takes paitence as well ... long sigh (again!). I need so much help.
Which makes me so appreciative of the many forms of help from those who care -- everyone here, especially as you've experienced similar stumbles and hurts, deserves a huge :grouphug:
Thank you. Let us continue the journey, from our surving hearts; together we can help each other grow and thrive.
That's beautiful woodsgnome. :hug:
So, interestingly, you mentioned perfectionism, then I saw this post about it (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13477.0) I haven't even watched the video, but maybe it will be helpful for you?
Thanks, Jazzy, I needed that reminder; and thanks Snookiebookie for posting the original link.
So often it feels like I've turned the corner on things, only to find it wasn't quite what I anticipated, and wasn't the perfect prelude to 'living happily ever after'.
Perfectionism leads one on in its endless illusions of finding some vague promised land. Staying open to discovery allows one to find new, maybe even surprising, territory. It works -- and sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't I get flustered, angry, and all the rest. I'll try to reorient yet again, only to realize that I'd fallen into the perfectionist trap yet again.
In writing this I've just discovered a good deal, in that giving up the fantasy of finding the perfect way can act as an invitation towards a very important discovery -- it's okay not to be okay. :cheer:
There -- feels better, and by not being perfect :bigwink: it might even be better. By not being perfect I can discover more, and whatever I label it doesn't ultimately matter.
Yet another twist on this strange (imperfect yet perfect!) road, eh?
I'll take being human and authentic over being perfect any day Woodsgnome. I've come to care about you because you continue to show up here to help yourself and your fellow survivors. I can't say this about a lot of people so please hear me when I say I think you're perfect because you're not perfect, you're unique, authentic, kind you. After all the abuse/neglect you suffered that's both amazing and wonderful and I take inspiration from you. :hug:
woodsgnome, it's been really helpful for me to read your recent posts on here since I've not been feeling OK for being imperfect. Thank you.
Woodsgnome, I'm new here but I see you, I hear you, and I totally feel you and have noted how you seem like an incredibly supportive and giving figure in this forum. I appreciate you. You're valuable and worth every ounce of energy to keep going. :hug:
And yes - true perfection is really seeing perfection in all the imperfections! Love it.
When this thread first bubbled up through my system, I hesitated posting about it -- it just seemed too much of a self-pity, redundant sort of rant. I know that's partially why we're here, but I feel so ashamed to have to break it out in public like that.
On the other hand, I was desperate to somehow release some of the tension about my recent broodings, themselves so repetitive yet threatening to undo my emotions yet again. I was hurting and needed help, so chose to reach out, something I still find very difficult to do.
I can't begin to express what everyone's kind words have meant. This depth of caring on OOTS is truly astounding. There are so few places one can experience this sort of understanding. Thanks again. :grouphug:
:grouphug: