So, Im sitting here, looking at the blank screen and finally trying to focus for long enough to actually write something. Not that I know what to say.
Im a wife, mother and grandmother, in my 50s. I started therapy about 3 years ago and am told that I have CPTSD from past, and ongoing traumas. I go in and out of denying it. I have numerous physical ailments, like Fibromyalgia, severe insomnia etc etc. My support 'team' consists of a good doctor, a close friend who lives overseas, and a therapist.
Not sure what else to write, other than that I am presently feeling very alone and sad, and lacking direction for how to move forward.
Hi soalone,
I wanted to welcome you, and I'm glad you were able to write what you wrote. I hope you'll find this place to be helpful. I know you are feeling very alone and sad at this time, and you feel you're lacking direction for how to move forward, but you've taken a positive step to reach out and write something here today. Wishing you a warm welcome.
Hope :)
soalone,
Welcome to OOTS :heythere:. I'm glad that you posted and introduced yourself. CPTSD can be very isolating and lonely. This forum is a group of people who get it. I have receive a great deal of understanding and comfort from them.
Welcome, soalone, and thanks for posting. Writing that first post can be so hard! I hope that being here with people who get it will help you move forward.
Thank you for the warm welcome.
I wrote a full reply, but somehow it got erased as I tried to send it:(
In a nutshell: my mother is narcissistic, father BPD. My husband of 35 years has Asperger. Some of my children also have ASD, while 2 are probably BPD. None have been diagnosed, and would never agree anyway. My husbands favorite reaction is silent treatment which used to last anywhere from days, to months at a time. Now, its basically full time, with occasional technical sentences here and there. There is probably more buried within myself, but I havent figured out any positive reason to dig up skeletons.
I still have trouble considering my childhood as complex or difficult, and havent figured out my role in this complicated marriage. I used to consider myself as someone who focuses on the positive in life. My therapist and friends tell me Im just in denial.
Its all so confusing.
Hi so alone
So glad u are here this forum has been and continues to be so supportive and informative... I've been here about 5 yrs now..
I can relate to the denial aspect I had that too and I see it as part of the healing. I let in what I could tolerate...
Becoming more aware and integrating to who I am has come in phases and I am in a much better place.. Healing trauma.. Remembering, integrating, learning new tools and attitudes
Recovery is possible..
I read what others have written on this forum, and Ive read a number of books plus speak to a therapist. I come away feeling like Im exaggerating everything. Compared to real issues, mine are very minor, and "mountains out of molehills".
Yet I relate to almost all of the symptoms that are used to described CPTSD.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Quote from: soalone on February 08, 2020, 10:13:04 PM
I come away feeling like Im exaggerating everything. Compared to real issues, mine are very minor, and "mountains out of molehills".
Yet I relate to almost all of the symptoms that are used to described CPTSD.
I really relate. I'm not new to the diagnosis or healing but I still sometimes wonder why I'm taking so long to heal compared to other people with
far worse trauma. In my case, my parents and other FOO mbrs made light of my complaints. They literally compared my plight to the plight of those with
real problems. As if mine weren't real as a child and teen. So I adopted their thoughts on it, sort of anyway.
So it could be something like that going on for you? It might help you to check about the Inner Critic, https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2592.0
Hope this helps. If not, ignore.
QuoteCompared to real issues, mine are very minor, and "mountains out of molehills".
Yet I relate to almost all of the symptoms that are used to described CPTSD.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Yes, it's pretty common among us, sorry to say. Blueberry has given you an important concept to consider, and I'd like to add some info on minimization. https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?action=post;quote=28581;topic=4795.0
I'm pressed for time atm but want to welcome you to the forum!
:heythere:
I guess Im still in denial, but feeling a drop better as I hear that others here can relate. Thank you for the links, they really are helpful.
Im working hard to stay in my head space at present, especially as my BPD dad is being really loving and nice to me recently. I need to remember that it can switch on a dime...
:cheer:Hi soalone thank you for posting. Still haven't done my own intro and now wonder if subconsciously it's to avoid the guilt i feel whenever my trauma trophy seemingly overshadows the pain of people hurting no less than i am. There is no tool by which to gauge how deep trauma effects us nor any standard to measure one's feeling it's impact, emotionally, physiologically, or otherwise. It is too personal and as individual as your fingerprint. You did not ask for it, may remember none of it, but the mark left on you becomes your badge of a survivor. Not a half. Or junior. We survived, period. I say we own that, uh, sweet honey ice tea. For whatever it's worth. :cheer:
Just wanted to welcome you to the forum soalone and just alittle :heythere:
It's really common to compare our trauma to that of others at first :yes: I know I did because my abuse came in the form of covert NPD parenting, not something many recognized as abusive at one time, myself included. As I came to understand though, the fact that I have the symptoms of CPTSD/Relational Trauma Response at all is a clear indication that what I went through was traumatic, period, full stop - no need to qualify.
We all suffer from an accumulation of ongoing relational trauma here and the core wound of having our sense of self, worth, safety and belonging in this world constantly threatened, day after day be that via physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect. For some of us the trauma was more horrific to be sure, but for all of us the trauma injures us deeply, thus the debilitating and lasting symptoms we all share.
IMO you deserve to have the same support, understanding, and being validated and comforted as anyone who has CPTSD/RTR. :yes:
:grouphug:
Quote from: soalone on February 08, 2020, 10:13:04 PM
I read what others have written on this forum, and Ive read a number of books plus speak to a therapist. I come away feeling like Im exaggerating everything. Compared to real issues, mine are very minor, and "mountains out of molehills".
Yet I relate to almost all of the symptoms that are used to described CPTSD.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Hi everyone I'm new here, haven't "introductory" posted yet (or might not ever? Dunno - bad at introductions IRL, bad at them everywhere) but couldn't help posting/responding to this because this is one of the reasons I found this board and joined.
It's not that I just feel extremely isolated with CPTSD. (I was diagnosed last winter and the events around that have completely broken my universe...in the process of rebuilding and it's incredibly lonesome, but thank goodness it's finally happening). But the constant "loop" of denial I go through every so often is just so bewildering, too, and reopens lonely wounds.
I think the tendency to play down your experiences in your own mind is the survival mechanism of it all. So you can carry on living a life you can interpret as normal, because if your brain was so sharply aware of how "abnormal"/maladjusted/non-nurturing your upbringing was
all.the.time., I think it would just shut down....right? (See, I still have doubts myself, I had them for 30 years and still struggle with them).
Most days I think of my childhood and think "NBD." Then, I flashback, and have to remember and re-process the reality of everything I've learned through therapy. I had to learn to connect flashbacks (which I thought were just me being *emotional* for all my life) to the fact that what happened WAS a very "BD." Flashbacks *alert* your inner child that, yes, what you went through was major and it still lives inside you. You're not just exaggerating. And it's definitely a mountain, not a molehill; otherwise you wouldn't be here.
Thank you so much for the welcomes and validation. I sense that I am surrounded by some very wise and caring individuals. Using your own pain as a means of supporting others is heroic.
In a world that is feeling extremely unsafe right now, its nice to know that this place exists.
Im a bit worried about myself right now. Im vacillating between numb and dissociated, and internally jittery and anxious. I sense a crisis moment coming on and its scary. I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and she insists that I add to my medication. Problem is that its one thats very addictive, and makes me even more drowsy and foggy brained. I have to work and function in the real world though, so Im not taking it.
I feel like there are two 'me'; the efficient, functioning and successful person that the world sees, and the scared, lonely and drowning my inside.
Does anyone else here ever feel like stress is literally killing them?
Quote from: soalone on February 13, 2020, 09:59:34 AM
Thank you so much for the welcomes and validation. I sense that I am surrounded by some very wise and caring individuals. Using your own pain as a means of supporting others is heroic.
In a world that is feeling extremely unsafe right now, its nice to know that this place exists.
Im a bit worried about myself right now. Im vacillating between numb and dissociated, and internally jittery and anxious. I sense a crisis moment coming on and its scary. I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and she insists that I add to my medication. Problem is that its one thats very addictive, and makes me even more drowsy and foggy brained. I have to work and function in the real world though, so Im not taking it.
I feel like there are two 'me'; the efficient, functioning and successful person that the world sees, and the scared, lonely and drowning my inside.
Does anyone else here ever feel like stress is literally killing them?
Thanks soalone... I came to this board so I wouldn't feel... well, so alone! One of the things that brings me comfort is seeing how similar everyone's experiences are. I'm not the only one going through this (phew!)
Yes, sometimes the stress has felt like I am going to die, but it gets better the more and more awareness you develop about what's actually going on with you when it happens. Your emotions are not you!
My "breakdown" over a year ago that got me into therapy and diagnosed was caused by stress. Not only did I think I was going to die, but I thought everyone around me was dangerous and that I needed to move away and hide completely, start anew. It almost destroyed my life and my marriage, and really hurt my partner.
Now I feel like I'm so, so far away from that. Meds really helped. I do use meds to help me when I can't seem to get a handle on what I'm feeling, or if I sense I'm losing control... but i have needed them less and less with help from cognitive behavioral therapy.
I was afraid of addiction and had groggy side effects too. Have you asked your therapist about a non-addictive alternative? I use buspirone just to take the edge off, Xanax only for extreme situations (thankfully less common).
When it comes to the side effects, they do get better and you get used to them. But, I tend to think "I'm going to only take the med if there are net positive gains." I don't just pop one if I feel something bad, and if the grog might interfere with what I'm doing, it's not worth it (the meds were absolutely instrumental for stopping the horrible, horrible insomnia tho)
However, the death feelings are pretty intense! And they're very worth treating. If you're not feeling relief from meds yet, you might feel better at a higher dose of you try it? If it just makes you feel worse you can always go back. (or switch to something different)
I just remember the first time my medication finally helped me "cut" through all the stress and adrenaline to sweet, sweet relief.... Finally. I really needed that and it was a huge help, and I'm not addicted or at the mercy of side effects. :)
Quote from: soalone on February 13, 2020, 09:59:34 AM
I feel like there are two 'me'; the efficient, functioning and successful person that the world sees, and the scared, lonely and drowning my inside.
I relate to this. Sometimes at work I think, "If they only knew. . ."
Some things came up this week that might be buried memories of something. If true, it would be huge stuff that will send me into a tailspin. Its very scary. Denial is much safer!
Im trying to decide whether to remain with my therapist or not. He is very good and experienced, but 2 1/2 years of talk therapy seems to be going very slowly. He keeps saying that Im not ready to deal with anything till Im stable, and to expect many years of work ahead. (He isnt saying it because he wants my business. He has a waiting list of years) I feel that I will snap long before that, and need something faster. Both he, and the psychiatrist say that if I switch, it must be someone who does multiple modalities and not only 1-2. And that I must not get anyone with less that 25 years solid experience due to my complex history which is present as well as past. They feel that CPTSD is hard to treat. So complicated!
Do any of you have recommendations of types of helpful modalities? And leads would be appreciated.
I'm getting along well with Internal Family Systems therapy. I've found the book "Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition)" by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy to be extremely helpful. It's also worth searching YouTube for "IFS Schwartz" and "IFS Schwartz trauma".
When things were really bad for me I took some time off work and that helped enormously. The psychiatrist I saw also switched my medication which made a huge difference within a fairly short period of time (2 wks). Perhaps you could let your P know the med makes you foggy and it's difficult to work so you don't want to take it, and see if there's an alternative.
The other thing I would suggest is to tell your T/psychiatrist what you're telling us (eg "I feel that I will snap long before that, and need something faster"), and see what they have to say about what to do now and as you move forward. (E.g., there may some group therapy or a support group avail in your area; you may benefit from adding other modalities to your therapy, etc).
The defenses we used to survive past trauma do tend to ramp up to protect us when we are getting close to feeling the pain/fear/etc of looking at those feelings and memories. They mean to get us to back away, to dissociate, etc to help us. It may be that you actually need to go slowly until you can face the trauma and/or learn more safety and grounding techniques.
Hope some of this helps :yes:
Snowdrop, thank you for that suggestion. IFS really is something that sounds very interesting.
Kizzie; I appreciate your input and insights. What you say makes sense.
For now, Im just trying to hang on hour by hour.
Soalone: I want to thank you for starting this thread. I just found this forum, and at the moment my head is almost exploding cause I have so many questions! :stars: You put words to one of my biggest issues.. how to deal with the sensation that everytime I do tell about my experiences, it's like I exaggerates everything. Confusion overwhelmes me..
I really needed to hear your words, and also the other comments here.
I hear your struggles at the moment. Having days like that, where "hanging on" for just one more hour, hour by hour, can feel so overwhelming. It's terrible. I can only say that it will pass... And you are not alone in this, even if it feels like it at the moment. May things pick up soon, and bring about some relief.
Yes, thank you soalone for starting this thread. I do feel like my whole life I've been hanging on a thread.
Although for me, I feel like I've never existed for my whole life (I'm still young). It's debilitating when I think of it that way.
Hi Marta and Bella,
Welcome to the forum :)
I must admit that I was really surprised to read your replies to my posts. Im so glad that somehow, I was able to help you via my own challenges. Helping others gives meaning to my struggles, and can be very empowering.
I wish I could wave my wand, and tell you that once you become older, the pain magically disappears. I wish I cold tell that to myself. It doesnt. On the other hand, I have only recently begun this work of healing very recently. Whatever Ive gone through, and still go through, would be such a different journey had I known when I was young.
Time doesnt always heal. Festering wounds dont heal with a Bandaid. All that does is hide them from sight. Infection needs to be uncovered and cleaned. Only then can real healing begin. And yes, we will be left with scars. Scars are reminders that we have been through challenges. And survived. And become stronger.