I don't think I can make sense in this post. My head is all over. The Littles are confused and distraught. This is the first time in about seven hours that I've come out from being buried in a blanket.
Late Wednesday night, Hope (5 yrs.) emailed T. She had the tough session the Monday before and needed reassurance that he was there and that he cared. A couple more things, but that was the main part. He did not respond, which has happened on a couple of occasions.
Today in session, T said he didn't respond to Hope's email (truthfully, I don't know if I can get this right because my head is whirling with thoughts of rejection and abandonment) because he wanted me, adult NotAlone, to remind her that he cared. Also something about not wanting to encourage the Littles to be out when not in therapy.
I retreated into a whirlwind of panic and feeling like I needed to get out. I didn't talk. Could barely talk when he asked a question. There is so much here: past therapists who abandoned, present T's reassurances that it was okay to email him and all my doubts/fears about that. Hope not understanding what she did wrong. (She's crying now.)
He asked me who was mostly present. I don't know. It wasn't one of the three who usually come to therapy.
*****TW -/SH********************************************************************************************************************
Once I was home, did some SH. Haven't done that in decades. Don't feel shame or guilt, only wish I had cut deeper.*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
end TW
Spent several hours on the bathroom floor. Then several hours on my bed. Asked my daughter to make dinner. I have nothing in me to be mom or wife or anything else. I can't go on, but I have no choice because I am a mother.
Dinner is ready. Will try to eat with the family. Don't know if I can do it.
Sadly, the previous post was my 1,000th. After 1000 posts you would think I'd be further along. Too bad it wasn't writing about a victory. :pissed:
I did eat with family and acted like a normal person.
In session, T said we need a plan to get through the day. He said some things. I said I have a plan. He asked if I was going to self-harm. I said I didn't know. (That was a truthful answer.) He said then he needed to break confidentiality and contact someone. I asked who and he said my husband. I said NO. He said the only way he wouldn't do that would be if I contacted my friends. I sent them a text while in his office telling them I was having a hard time. At T request, added, "can we connect?" T had stated that husband was down as contact person. I need to change that. If I'm in trouble, the last thing I need it to take care of my husband. Yes, that's what it would be. I'm not sure what this all means now that I have SH. Of course T doesn't know that right now.
I feel like I'm really rambling. I am feeling so scared, angry, confused, hurt. Different relationships, words, situations are crashing into each, like a demolition derby in my head.
Before I left my session, my T told me to email him so he knew I was safe. I said, "You told me not to email." T: "That's not what I said. You can email as much as you want. I just won't be as responsive."
I feel thrown away.
i'm here to catch you - you're not thrown away. we're with you, notalone.
so very sorry you're struggling so badly. i hate that this happens. i know that demolition derby. hang tough - it will eventually smooth itself out.
in the meantime, you aren't alone. sending love and a hug filled with strength :hug:
I've just read your posts. Oh notalone, I'm so sorry this has happened. I understand your feelings and those of your Littles.
I wish your T had explained earlier that he might not reply, and his reasons for this. Hope made a huge breakthrough, and I understand her needing reassurances which she thought she'd get. Please tell Hope that she did nothing wrong. I'm so proud of her for what she did during that session.
Are you able to see any of your friends today? Is there anything you can do today to comfort yourself and the Littles?
Here for you, notalone, and sending you love, hugs and tons of support. :grouphug:
Dear Notalone, I am so sorry to hear what happened, and I wanted to extend a heartfelt hug, if that is helpful right now - :hug: Both to you, notalone, and to brave 5 year old Hope - who hasn't done anything wrong, and is very brave indeed. I hope that nothing I say here is triggering for you or your Littles, as I know you're feeling lots of things at the moment, and it may be quite over-whelming, so I really wish that you get some peace and calm, if that feels like a good feeling, and that you are ok.
Hope :)
I have been roughly where you are and your Littles are now. I'm sending love and :grouphug: :grouphug: and lots of good OOTS energy
That bit about your 1000th post is your ICr speaking. I'm over 5000 now and am still not cptsd-free. Other parts of your Adult know how it goes: 2 steps forward, 1 step back and then onwards to greater healing. :hug: :hug:
I want to reply to each of you, but just not able to right now. Please know that your words and care is helping me to come up for air in the middle of drowning.
Worked a split shift today. Sat with client, smiling and interacting, while my stomach felt like it had been punched and my head felt like it was full of a hive of bees. Felt like, "I can't do this," but made it through. Took a xanax between clients. Have never done that before because I want to make sure I'm focused. Today it seemed like the best option.
I have a ten hour work day tomorrow (including commute). How am I going to do that? I can't breathe.
On Friday family goes to my childhood home town to celebrate Christmas with relatives. Abusers are all dead, but just being in the town is triggering and in the state I'm in. . . .
There's more, but will stop for now.
Thank you so much for understanding and caring. :grouphug:
I'm sending you an invisible blanket to help you feel safe and comforted. It's soft and warm, and is the perfect weight to be of comfort to you. You and your Littles can feel its presence when it's wrapped around your shoulders, but nobody else can see it. You can wear it day and night, whenever you want, and noone except you will know that it's there. :hug:
Dear notalone, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I stand with you, and send love and support for all you have to do, strength and energy for continuing the effort, safe gentle hugs for comfort, and hopes and good wishes for the best possible circumstances for your upcoming travels and visits :hug:
sweetie, we're all with you when you go to your holiday happening. if you can picture us being there, know that you have our care and support, maybe that will help. it helped me when i had to leave mex. 2 yrs. ago. we were stuck at the border, and i was so nervous that we were going to get checked (i had my meds w/ me, the prescriptions weren't all up to date, so i was essentially smuggling drugs - i was terrified), but i imagined people from here, about a dozen of them, walking with the car as it made its slow progress to the border, and it gave me the strength to say what i needed to say to the border guard. we passed right thru, thank heaven, but i would've been a blubbering mess w/o that image of everyone being with me.
i hope you can lean on us as you drive into that state, be in that city. we'll be there.
i know about xanax days, too. sometimes it's the only answer. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and support. :hug:
Sending you some love and support honey. I feel terrible that this happened and now that you have an additional trigger around the bend.
The tough thing is that when our littles are triggered.... so are we... it's that simple.
Nothing but love and support :hug:
NotAlone, I'm with you too. Holding you in my heart. :hug:
Sanmagic, Snowdrop, Hope, Blueberry, Bach, Deep Blue, MoonBeam:
At a time when I was feeling rejected and very alone, your words and care brought me to tears. Your support is highly meaningful to me. Snowdrop, throughout my long work day yesterday, I thought of your blanket and received comfort from it. I will bring it with me when I travel to hometown of FOO tomorrow. San, I will also think of all of you travelling with me. :grouphug:
Early this morning, I wrote down my thoughts and reactions regarding my T saying he won't be as responsive to my emails. Part of me does not want to be that vulnerable, but I am considering the care and trust in the relationship over the last 19 months. Right now plan on reading it to him in Monday's session. With how I am feeling and going to hometown, these are going to be a long 4 days.
I did text friends for support. I met with one this morning. Told her what happened and even told her that I have DID. She was understanding and caring. It helped to see her and now another person has a fuller understanding of my life.
So incredibly grateful for your support!!
I am back home from my trip to hometown that I grew up in. On the way into town, I laid on the backseat with a IRL blanket over my head, Snowdrop's invisible blanket over me, and the vision of all of you with me. I took xanax throughout the weekend, as needed. The actual time with family members was enjoyable.
Tomorrow is my therapy session and I am really scared. This has been an incredibly difficult week. My plan is to read what I wrote regarding my thoughts of therapist saying he wouldn't respond to my emails like he used to. What if my feelings of rejection and of being thrown away stay the same or even get worse? What if five-year-old Hope feels even more blamed? I don't know how I got through last week. I need relief.
i'm so with you on wanting relief from all this. i'm glad you got thru the week, and hope all goes well w/ your t. just so you know, you are not rejected here, and we would never throw you away. you are too valuable and important, whether you realize it or not. you are so precious, notalone. we're with you. love and hugs filled w/ community :grouphug:
I hope the session goes well Notalone. Even feeling you can/will tell your T your real feelings when Hope is still afraid is such progress - maybe hard to see but that's what I thought when I read your post.
QuotePart of me does not want to be that vulnerable, but I am considering the care and trust in the relationship over the last 19 months.
... and now you have had these positive experiences to help balance Hope's fear. :thumbup:
QuoteI did text friends for support. I met with one this morning. Told her what happened and even told her that I have DID. She was understanding and caring. It helped to see her and now another person has a fuller understanding of my life.
and
QuoteThe actual time with family members was enjoyable.
:grouphug:
Thanks San & Kizzie and all who continue to support me.
A few days ago, I wrote down my thoughts and feelings about my therapist no longer willing to respond to my emails. I read it to him in session today. I am so overwhelmed and the fog in my head is spinning so fast, I just sat here for several minutes unable to think or create a sentence. Things are no better. I just sat here frozen for 15-20 minutes. Maybe will try and write later.
NotAlone. So much love to you.
I totally and completely understand where you are. I want to say there is so much wisdom, strength and love in you and it belongs to you, it is you, all of you. Things are so hard right now. I will stay near and just breathe with you if its ok, just sit near and hold peace for you as long as you need. :hug:
FWIW I think it was incredibly brave to read what you wrote to your T and completely understandable that you froze and are feeling overwhelmed. It's the worst possible fear to be abandoned/ rejected and yet you did it. :grouphug:
notalone, i echo mb and kizzie - what a courageous thing to do. i'm with you, too, you're in my heart. sending lovelovelove to you and a hug filled w/ continuing strength and determination. it has gotten you so far - you're amazing. :bighug:
MoonBeam, Kizzie, San, and all:
Thank you for your continued love and support. MoonBeam, thinking of you breathing with me. For the last 10 days my breaths have been short and shallow. Trying to remember to take deep breaths. All of you understanding helps me to feel like I'm not alone.
I had a marriage therapy session (different therapist) on the same evening that I had my individual session. Our therapist asked me how I was. I've been in so much pain and distress, that the dam broke. I told about the issues with my therapist, words tumbled out about five-year-old part, and on and on. Up until this point neither marriage therapist nor my husband knew about my DID. Our marriage therapist is trauma informed and he calmly and briefly explained things to my husband as different information gushed out of my mouth. He has worked with clients with complex trauma and DID, so none of this was new or unknown to him.
My plan had been to get to know our marriage therapist better (this was our 3rd session with him), then see him alone to tell him about DID, then have him tell husband. Obviously, things didn't go according to plan. My husband reacted in a positive and supportive way to all this. It is a relief to me that husband knows. It has been a big thing to keep secret. Also, good to know that marriage therapist understands.
Still having a real hard time. Took xanax today when the bees started buzzing around inside my head. I don't know how the issue with my individual therapist will be resolved. I also don't know if what I am hearing/understanding from my T is accurate or what is being interpreted through the veil of abandonment.
I know it wasn't what you planned, but I can imagine what a relief it must be that your husband knows. I'm glad he reacted in such a positive and supportive way.
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Sending you much love and support. :grouphug:
Sending support, notalone. :grouphug: :hug: :hug:
sometimes these unplanned events can work out well - been there myself several times. i'm just so glad for you that you're feeling some relief. step by step, my dear. love and hugs :hug:
NotAlone, I'm still with you, holding space for you. Thank you for continuing to show up here and let us know how you are. I'm glad things went the way they did with marriage therapy. Agreed, it wasn't what was planned, but sounds like it unfolded in just the way it needed to. So glad you have that understanding and support from H now and marriage T.
Not too long ago you reached out to me to support me through what felt like a major rupture in my relationship with my T--who has been a lifeline the last year and half for me. I couldn't even talk about it, it was so scary. Our relationship shifted--no contact between sessions among other things. All the ICr and abandonment stuff kicked in. We got through it though and I feel even stronger in our relationship after the fact. More trust, more understanding. It took weeks to work it out, but safe attachment is one of the biggest hurdles for me in my recovery. It was and continues to be an amazing opportunity for me to learn. I'm not sure how i stuck with it, when my whole MO is to bail at the slightest hint of trouble, but she had really been there for me and I believed that she still cared even though a shift needed to happen.
I hope this is the case for you NotAlone. Shifts and adjustments don't have to mean we're being left, or that there's anything wrong with us. That is the old paradigm. You will get to choose what feels right for you moving forward in your relationship with your T. I spent a good amount of time assessing if I wanted to continue working with my T through our process, so it was up to me too, I realized with my grown up eyes.
Thinking of you NotAlone and E and Hope and all parts of you. My heart is with you.
Dearest notalone, I'm so glad your husband is understanding and supportive. What an incredible relief it must be to not have to hold all the anxiety of wanting to tell but being afraid to. Although it must have been scary to have it all pour out that way, sometimes it happens like that because that's how you need it to. It's such a huge step!
The B's and I are thinking of you and sending love and hugs :hug:
Snowdrop, Blueberry, San, MoonBeam, Bach, and All:
In the middle of feeling the brick of abandonment in my stomach and the whirling in my head, your support is incredibly meaningful to me. Unfortunately, I also have the nagging thought: "You keep going on and on about this. You are going to be too much for these people too." :pissed:
MoonBeam, thank you for sharing about your experience with your T. It sounds very similar. I also am holding on, hoping things can be worked out, although I don't see a way out. I guess I still believe his care for me, but the feeling of being sucked down into a deep dark hole is huge. The thoughts bombarding me:
He said it was okay to email him. I believed him. I fought the thoughts that I was a burden. Now it isn't okay to email. I was right. I am a burden.
I'm too much.
I need too much.
He lied.
I am being thrown away.
From Hope: I must have done something really bad. Was I bad to cut up the picture of the belt? Bad to make a big deal of it? Bad to email T? Bad to ask
for his care?
He knows so many dark secrets about us and now he doesn't want us anymore.
Is he going to tell us to go away completely and stop seeing him?
I try to remember what he said in the two sessions that we've talked about this, but either my mind is blank, or I hear/remember, "You need too much." I do remember him saying that Hope didn't do anything wrong. Those seem like empty words to me. She cut up the belt, emailed him three days later, and at the next session he said he wouldn't respond to emails.
Decades ago, I had therapists walk away because I needed too much. Those are simple words to very complex situations, but it is the bottom line of why they left. My current T knows about those situations. Besides childhood abandonment, add therapists abandonment to the complexity of this situation.
I'm sorry that I keep going on and on about this. I feel thrown away, lost and afraid.
we're with you, not throwing you away.
sweetie, i can't tell you how many times i've gone on and on about the same thing here, also kind of waiting for someone here to tell me enough is enough. i never heard it, and i won't say it to you, either. this stuff sucks, it keeps affecting us, keeps coming at us, and we do our best to keep on going in life in spite of it. you are not too much for us here - many of us have been where you are. i used to say that i had to talk it to death, meaning that i had to keep talking about it until it finally went away, died of natural causes. keep talking about it, keep getting it out, please. i'm just glad you have a place to do so.
i don't know why your t changed his mind about the email thing. i don't understand why he didn't explain such an abrupt change to you in a way that let you know it's not your fault. in fact, it may be all on him. he may not be suited for dealing w/ someone who's been traumatized, had DID, but that's not your issue at all. too many t's don't have the knowledge or experience for working w/ traumatized people. unfortunately, the client is the one who gets hurt.
as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions. never. instead of you being too much for him, it may very well be that he's too little for you. that's why some t's will refer clients to a therapist who is better versed in the area of trauma or whatever the issue might be. but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault. since hope was the one who emailed him, he might have realized he just doesn't have the knowledge/experience to work w/ someone's parts. c-ptsd is a mighty beast, and neediness is a great part of it. hopefully, he can get his (*Y( together and do what's appropriate for you and your issues.
my heart goes out to you, notalone. you are not a burden, either here or in a t's office. nope, not ever. sending love and a hug filled w/ acceptance and caring for you and all your parts. :hug:
Dear Notalone,
I think it's good that you come here and talk to us about what is going on - these things are all important, and so are you. I'm sorry that you feel thrown away, lost and afraid, and I really wish there was something that could help you to feel better. I know you have lots of thoughts bombarding you, but I hope that you can find some way of shielding yourself from the impact of those thoughts - they are purely thoughts, they cannot physically hurt you, but I know they can emotionally impact, and that's not nice.
Sending you a gentle hug of support and hoping that you will know that we are supporting you :grouphug:
When I read through what you wrote, I felt different parts of myself reacting to things you'd said, and I felt huge support for you from many of my parts - I relate to things you've said, and I wish there was more I could say - but words fail me at this time.
Take care,
Hope :)
Hope, your words are precious and brought tears to my eyes, feeling your care for me. :hug:
San, I appreciate what you wrote. I feel like your "mama Bear" was coming out, speaking words of protection for me and that is comforting. My T is trauma informed and has over 20 years of experience working with people with cPTSD and DID. I don't understand why he didn't explain the abrupt change in a more gentle way.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2019, 04:16:55 PM
as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions. never. . . . . . . but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault. . . . . . .. . .
my heart goes out to you, notalone. you are not a burden, either here or in a t's office. nope, not ever. sending love and a hug filled w/ acceptance and caring for you and all your parts. :hug:
This is a new thought to me (never client's fault). I'm holding onto this and letting roll around in my head. Thank you. :hug:
QuoteMy T is trauma informed and has over 20 years of experience working with people with cPTSD and DID. I don't understand why he didn't explain the abrupt change in a more gentle way.
You were honest and open and vulnerable and deserved the most gentle, caring and compassionate of care Notalone. I sense that your T thought he was doing what was best for you but doesn't truly understand how shattering fear of abandonment and rejection are for you.
I echo what others have said,
you are not too much, this is what trauma is all about and you were brave enough to reveal it. It is not
you, it is your T and whether he is skilled enough to help you. It may be he thought you were ready when you weren't quite and perhaps you can tell him that and ask him to go more slowly and gently.
Would you/Hope be willing to speak to him again about how deeply this has affected her/you and the thoughts you wrote in an earlier post that this has raised for you?
NotAlone, thank you again for continuing to share here about this. It takes great bravery to continue to reach out, to share, when so much of the fear is around feeling like a burden or needy. I echo what others have said: You are never too much or needing too much. You are amazing and strong and working so hard, unpacking that which you've carried alone for so long. It is sooo hard to trust someone, to trust ourselves.
All of the feelings you are having around this are so valid. The story may not be accurate as to the why, but the feelings are real. When we don't know why someone shifts boundaries, it is our nature, our training to immediately internalize and take responsibility. I needed to understand why, what was happening that my T felt there needed to be a shift. I asked her to explain it to me many times. I needed to allow space to see her part in it as well as mine. I needed to understand the relationship.
I felt like I was so careful--checking in, making sure I knew what the rules were, so I wouldn't screw it up, ask for too much. So I could feel safe, have some control perhaps, check my dependence. This has been my pattern in all relationships, but I think I'm learning relationships are fluid and humans are well, human. Mistakes are made. I so hope your T can allow room for dialogue around what his thoughts and feelings were behind making a shift like that in what seems like a not so thoughtful way.
I think one thing that was particularly hard for me was I felt powerless. Like, T made a decision that greatly affected me without including me in the decision and it really fed my fears and pain. We talked about that a lot. It's part of being in relationship with someone and I believe t is a collaboration. Being able to talk about it openly, through my fear, and T being willing to hear and understand. That is what made the repair possible. I don't know if there will come a time when I need to shift, or need to work with someone else, but working through this with my T has helped heal some really old relational stuff.
I'm writing a lot. I hope that's ok. This is really big stuff and I'm with you, holding space for you to receive all you need to feel safe and held. Big, gentle :hug:
Kizzie & MoonBeam:
Your replies greatly appreciated. I want to write more, but feel so shaky now. I'm going hold my bear and listen to music. Will probably respond tomorrow. :grouphug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2019, 04:16:55 PM
we're with you, not throwing you away.
:yeahthat: :yes: :yes: :yes: + gentle :hug: :hug: if safe
Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2019, 04:16:55 PM
i don't know why your t changed his mind about the email thing. i don't understand why he didn't explain such an abrupt change to you in a way that let you know it's not your fault. in fact, it may be all on him. he may not be suited for dealing w/ someone who's been traumatized, had DID... too many t's don't have the knowledge or experience for working w/ traumatized people. unfortunately, the client is the one who gets hurt.
Unfortunately I have been hurt Idk how many times by Ts who thought they knew what they were doing with trauma, but were out of their depth in my case. So I really get the feelings of hurt and re-abandonment, know how excruciating they are. After such an occasion I was told by non-trauma Ts that - sure, Ts make mistakes or misjudgements but it is then up to the T to bring the client back to a safe place, help them restabilise. I think personally that if a T has a client with Inner Children, then the ICs should be helped back into a safe place as well and have things explained to them. What I or my ICs (hard to tell) always wanted but never got was an apology and recognition from the T that s/he had gone too far, hoping that if a T recognised it s/he wouldn't do it again.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2019, 04:16:55 PM
as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions. never. instead of you being too much for him, it may very well be that he's too little for you. but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault. since hope was the one who emailed him, he might have realized he just doesn't have the knowledge/experience to work w/ someone's parts. c-ptsd is a mighty beast, and neediness is a great part of it.
:yeahthat:
this bears repeating, tho I'm not a T myself. I just wish such Ts could recognise that they're getting out of their depth
before they hurt their clients.
We are here for you notalone. You are most welcome on OOTS and you are
not too much. :hug: :hug: (if safe for you)
QuoteI think one thing that was particularly hard for me was I felt powerless. Like, T made a decision that greatly affected me without including me in the decision and it really fed my fears and pain. I told T I wished she had said: I'm feeling this way about our work, I need to make some shifts. How can we work together to bring this into the relationship. What do you feel you need to be supported? This is what I can do. How can we get you what you need? We talked about that a lot.
Well said Moonbeam! We really do need to be part of 'the plan' so we are empowered and power imbalances are minimized. I love this but hard to do for some of us I know and some T's too I would imagine, but it's certainly the ideal therapeutic relationship imo.
Kizzie, I think you are right that he was doing what he thought was best for me. Last session, I read my thoughts about this and the affect it had on me. It has sucked me so far down into deep blackness, that I remember very little of what he said. I think when I have session this Monday, I will ask him why he was no longer going to respond to my emails and then write down his response. Thank you for saying that I am not too much. Maybe if I hear it enough the message will start entering my mind and heart.
At some point T is going to need to talk to Hope. She was deeply wounded by his timing of the email decision. Right now there are Parts who will not let him anywhere near Hope.
MoonBeam,
I am so grateful for you sharing more of your story. It helps me to feel less alone and is very helpful.
Thanks for saying my feelings are valid. I need to hear that. Even if 90% of what I'm feeling is connected to decades ago, my feelings are still important and valid.
Relationships are fluid. That is a good thing to remember. I don't know if that's hard for me or not. Like you, MoonBeam, I was sticking to the rules. Then without warning, the rules changed and the earth opened underneath me and swallowed me up. I do want and need to have a dialogue with him about why he changed his policy with me, why the timing, how things would have been more helpful to me, etc. This has all been so stressful to me that I am not thinking clearly and I don't know if I'm hearing clearly or not. Maybe I should record Monday's session?
Blueberry, I'm so grateful for your continued support and care.
Quote from: Blueberry on December 28, 2019, 01:30:17 PM
Unfortunately I have been hurt Idk how many times by Ts who thought they knew what they were doing with trauma, but were out of their depth in my case. So I really get the feelings of hurt and re-abandonment, know how excruciating they are. After such an occasion I was told by non-trauma Ts that - sure, Ts make mistakes or misjudgements but it is then up to the T to bring the client back to a safe place, help them restabilise. I think personally that if a T has a client with Inner Children, then the ICs should be helped back into a safe place as well and have things explained to them. What I or my ICs (hard to tell) always wanted but never got was an apology and recognition from the T that s/he had gone too far, hoping that if a T recognised it s/he wouldn't do it again.
Yes, it is excruciating. I can't even see if my T is trying to bring myself and Littles back to a safe place. Hard to see in a black hole. I also want an apology for how this was handled. You saying this helps give me permission to admit that to myself.
Dear notalone, you are never too much. Please know that you are very precious to us and we all care about you a great deal. :hug:
Thinking of you today NotAlone. :hug:
Update from session on Monday. I tried to take notes during session because over the last couple weeks I was not able to remember portions of sessions.
To the best of my understanding: Normally my T has email contact with clients for questions of scheduling. Sometimes in the beginning of therapy he might engage more in responses in email. With the severity of what I went through, he felt that I needed the email support. He doesn't do therapy via email, and for months has thought about the emails with me. So, three weeks ago, he told me he would no longer respond. He said he was sorry for how he executed things; he was thinking about it for months, for me it was abrupt and painful.
He said when I asked if it was okay if I emailed, I was asking significantly more. His answer that it was okay to email (now I know that means I can email whatever I want, but he won't respond/do therapy via email) was that question, yes, okay to email. I had two questions tied together: Is it okay to email? and Do I matter? Am I too much? The latter questions (and answers) have very deep, painful roots. When T told me he wasn't going to respond to my emails any longer, I completely took it as, "I am too much." He said it made sense that I tied the two together, but they were never meant to be tied together. This has helped me to begin to see that his decision to not respond to my emails is not a rejection of me.
I questioned him about the timing of this, after Hope cut up the belt picture and emailed him. He said it honestly had nothing to do with Hope and the belt. I told him that neither the Littles nor I believe that. Later he said that he didn't connect the emails with Hope, although it makes sense that she connects it. He wished he had done that differently. (I appreciated that.)
At the end of session, I asked him if he knew this would be this upsetting to me. He said he knew I wouldn't like it because it is a change, but he didn't know it would be this upsetting and at this level. At some point he said he was so sorry this was so painful.
Everything isn't all better, but I no longer feel like I'm in a deep, dark hole. T's saying he wished he had done some things differently has helped. It's not all on me; there are areas where he erred. Him pointing out that I was really asking two questions: 1) Is it okay to email 2) Am I too much, has been really helpful. That is why I felt thrown away. When he said he wasn't going to respond, I heard, you are too much and you are a burden. In his mind, that wasn't what he was saying. The connection of the two thoughts is so intertwined that I will need to continue to work to separate them.
Perhaps next Monday Hope will come to session and he can talk to her. She feels rejected and like she did something wrong. I think my understanding things more is a help to her, but she needs to hear directly from him.
After my session, I met with a friend and cried and cried. Then later cried with my husband. The pain from all this has been so big. And T is right, the roots of being thrown away are very deep.
Thank you all so much for holding my head above the water, for caring, for wisdom, for catching me. :grouphug:
notalone, I'm glad you're out of the hole. I know that hole. I can't really write anything sensible because I returned from my overseas trip on Monday afternoon and am dazed with jetlag, but I followed this thread a bit when I was away, and I have been thinking of you. I'm proud of you for how well you handled an exceptionally difficult thing at such an already busy and challenging part of the year. Love and best wishes for 2020 to you and all the littles :hug: :grouphug:
sweetie, so glad you were able to get some of those things straightened out w/ your t. good for you for bringing it up. :thumbup:
i hope he'll speak w/ Hope next time, too, if she's up for it. i think that could help a lot. so very glad you're out of that dark hole. that place is the worst, to my mind.
sending love and a hug filled with relief and understanding. :hug:
Bach, it means a lot to me that while you were overseas you checked in and thought of me. San, always appreciate your care. I will let you know how Monday goes.
NotAlone, I was so glad to hear you were able to connect with your T and gain some understanding of his process and thoughts behind his decision to change the email boundary. I'm also grateful he was able to see how devastating the way in which it was handled was for you and Hope and that he was able to express sincerely his concern and sadness that it caused you pain.
It takes great strength to stand up for ourselves, especially when we feel so vulnerable and you have been amazing through this. I know it's been so hard. I hope with all my heart things go well for Hope and T at your next appt. Repair in a relationship is a powerful tool for healing and my thoughts are with you as you continue on your path in whatever way feels safest and healthiest for you with your T.
I want to let you know too that I have been thinking of you. :hug:
I just wrote out a synopsis of last week's session, to read to T tomorrow, to see if I am understanding correctly. Writing it brought those awful feelings of being unimportant and being a burden. Now I just want to hide under a blanket. I told husband I would watch T.V. with him, so maybe will cover myself with my weighted blanket. In session tomorrow, if we don't get to the point of T talking to Hope, it is going to be really disappointing and hurtful. Pain.
:hug: NotAlone. You are so important and it is a gift to be a part of your journey of recovery. I have a feeling your T feels the same. Can you let T know how important it is to acknowledge Hope's feelings tomorrow at the beginning of session to make sure there will be time after you check in about last week's session?
I hope you were able to cuddle under your weighted blanket with h and watch something soothing and rest for a bit. I'll be thinking of you and Hope tomorrow.
You're not a burden, Notalone. You're worthy and important.
QuoteCan you let T know how important it is to acknowledge Hope's feelings tomorrow at the beginning of session to make sure there will be time after you check in about last week's session?
^^^ This sounds like an excellent idea.
I hope the session goes well. Thinking of you, and sending love and hugs. :hug:
I heartily agree with MoonBeam and Snowdrop, and am sending you love and good thoughts :hug:
MoonBeam, Snowdrop, Bach,
I have to leave soon for session, but checked in here first. Your words give me courage. Good idea about letting him know at the beginning of session that Hope needs to hear from him. :grouphug:
Quote from: notalone on January 06, 2020, 02:52:45 PM
MoonBeam, Snowdrop, Bach,
I have to leave soon for session, but checked in here first. Your words give me courage. Good idea about letting him know at the beginning of session that Hope needs to hear from him. :grouphug:
It can be so difficult and scary to advocate for your hurting little ones! I had to do that today at therapy and it was literally physically painful, but my sweet frightened Younger felt such relief afterward to know that I am willing to care for and nurture her even with all the pain. Her relief is my relief. I hope that you are able to do that for Hope, and for yourself. Your sharing here has helped me understand that, and I am very grateful for it :hug:
Session:
While I was waiting before session, I reminded Hope of all those who knew her and cared about her, naming many of you. It was a comfort to her.
I took your advice and stated in the beginning of our session that Hope needed to hear from him. Then I read my synopsis of my understanding of the whole email issue. He said I got it correct. He said I had it in my head then asked if I believe it. Short answer, no. The intertwining of the two questions of "May I email?" and "Am I too much?" is so strong in my mind that it is hard for me to see two separate questions and difficult to understand that my T was not responding to "Am I too much?" when he said he was going to limit his responses to my emails. I hope that over time I am able to believe that I am not too much and was not thrown away by him. Again, deep, dark roots going back to being given away and used when I was a little girl.
Hope did come to session. She curled up on the couch and cried. T told her she did not say or doing anything bad. He reassured her of his care and told her he was glad she was there. As much as Hope wanted to feel safe again with T and feel safe in his office, that didn't happen. Today was a step. The wounds from this are so deep (for all of us) that it will take time to heal. There will be a scar. Hope wanted to feel safe enough to tell him many things, but did not. She didn't even feel safe enough to show him her new doll. He knows she has been wanting a doll for a long time. That makes her sad. This is so hard.
I am so grateful to all of you for understanding, supporting me, telling me I'm of value. I feel like I keep saying that, but your support has been hugely significant in weathering this latest storm.
:grouphug:
Dear NotAlone and Hope. You were both so brave and strong today and you are so cared about here by all of us. I'm so glad T was able to also let you know he cares about you and just being there, continuing to show up shows how strong you are and perhaps one step at a time you will be able to feel safe with T again, and believe just how valuable and worthy of love you are.
NotAlone, I'm glad you were able to say what you needed and I agree, today was a step. It takes time to work through a disruption like that, to find footing again. I hope each step feels a little easier, safer and you are able to find repair in the relationship.
I understand those deep dark roots so completely. Today you are also a strong, brave, grown woman, who can not be given away, who is loved and valued by many, for you are worthy of love, care and respect. I know this with all of my being. I'm grateful to be on this journey with you NotAlone and so appreciate you. :hug:
Dear Notalone, I completely understand the disconnect between what your head thinks and your heart feels, and also how those two questions are intertwined. Your session can't have been easy, but it's a step forward and progress. I think you handled it well. :hug:
Dear Hope, you were so brave! I'm proud of you. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Maybe it would help you to play with your new doll? She sounds beautiful. :hug:
MoonBeam and Snowdrop and All:
Last night was tough; dreams and feeling like electricity was going through me. I read your kind, understanding words and they were a comfort to me.
I was going to quote some of your words, but everything you said was meaningful to me.
Today Jo (11 years old) came to session. She asked T if it was her fault regarding emails. T patiently said to her what he has been saying, no one's fault, etc. She was able to understand a bit more. Jo said it was like painting and T not responding to emails was one color, us being thrown away and being too much was another color. We have had the colors all mixed and blended so you couldn't tell that there were different colors. I do believe that the colors are starting to separate. I'm starting to understand more. It is difficult with the feelings and past experiences being so destructive, painful and complex.
At the end of session I did tell my T about SH four weeks ago. He was non-condemning and said he was glad that I told him.
I like Jo's analogy. It painted a clear picture in my head about what had happened. I'm glad that going to session helped her understand.
Well done for telling your T about the SH. Good to hear he was non-condemning about it.
I've been thinking about you, and I'm pleased your last session seems to have gone so well. :hug:
Snowdrop, thank you for your reply and your care. It means a lot.
i love the idea of the colors having been blended and are now being separated. that analogy makes a ton of sense to me. well done! :thumbup: it's something i can picture readily in my mind, and can even designate colors (already!) to various aspects of my life. no wonder we go dark/black when we're at our lowest - black is the culmination of absorbing all colors. if we can't distinguish them, they all puddle together. white, then, (and light) would be when the colors are separated and reflected. beautiful job, jo!
thanks for sharing this - it opened my mind to a brand new way of seeing some of this. love and hugs, notalone. :hug:
NotAlone. That was a brilliant analogy Jo came up with. I'm so glad you are all talking and finding understanding and resolution with T. Keep up the amazing work. :hug:
Quote from: notalone on January 06, 2020, 08:55:02 PM
The intertwining of the two questions of "May I email?" and "Am I too much?" is so strong in my mind that it is hard for me to see two separate questions and difficult to understand that my T was not responding to "Am I too much?" when he said he was going to limit his responses to my emails. I hope that over time I am able to believe that I am not too much and was not thrown away by him. Again, deep, dark roots going back to being given away and used when I was a little girl.
Quote from: notalone on January 13, 2020, 08:43:10 PM
Today Jo (11 years old) came to session. She asked T if it was her fault regarding emails. T patiently said to her what he has been saying, no one's fault, etc. She was able to understand a bit more. Jo said it was like painting and T not responding to emails was one color, us being thrown away and being too much was another color. We have had the colors all mixed and blended so you couldn't tell that there were different colors. I do believe that the colors are starting to separate. I'm starting to understand more. It is difficult with the feelings and past experiences being so destructive, painful and complex.
I spent the weekend with a friend. We finger painted. I put two globs of yellow paint on the paper. On the other side of the yellow, I put two globs of brown paint. On the first half, I painted the yellow and brown separately. On the second half, I mixed the brown and yellow. On the only yellow side I used a Q-tip to write: "Therapist email." On the brown I wrote: "thrown away" and "too much." On the part of the picture that was both colors mixed together I used all the letters from everything that I wrote, randomly written on that part of the picture. (After my therapy picture I just had fun finger painting!) I wish this cleared it all up completely in my heart and mind. It is another step in countering the destructive messages that I was given in childhood. Also a concrete activity, trying to understand in my heart and mind that T saying he was not going to respond as much to my emails was NOT him saying that I am too much for him and was NOT him throwing me away.
Quote from: notalone on January 06, 2020, 08:55:02 PM
Hope did come to session. She curled up on the couch and cried. T told her she did not say or doing anything bad. He reassured her of his care and told her he was glad she was there. As much as Hope wanted to feel safe again with T and feel safe in his office, that didn't happen. Today was a step. The wounds from this are so deep (for all of us) that it will take time to heal. There will be a scar. Hope wanted to feel safe enough to tell him many things, but did not. She didn't even feel safe enough to show him her new doll. He knows she has been wanting a doll for a long time. That makes her sad. This is so hard.
Quote from: notalone on January 01, 2020, 03:13:38 AM
I questioned him about the timing of this, after Hope cut up the belt picture and emailed him. He said it honestly had nothing to do with Hope and the belt. I told him that neither the Littles nor I believe that. Later he said that he didn't connect the emails with Hope, although it makes sense that she connects it. He wished he had done that differently. (I appreciated that.)
I need to keep reminding Hope that she did not do anything wrong by cutting up the belt, she didn't do anything wrong to email T. He should have thought about what she did and the timing of telling us he was limiting his email responses. He didn't think about it and that was his mistake. I get caught up in her feelings and then it is hard for me to tell her and reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong. For Hope, at the age of five, it seems clear: "I cut up the belt picture, I emailed T, then he said he won't respond at length to our emails; so I what I did (cut picture &/or email T) must have been really bad."
I just feel like screaming. :aaauuugh:
Thanks for hanging in here with me. This feels like a never-ending issue. :fallingbricks:
The finger painting sounds great!
I would also like to tell Hope that she did nothing wrong, if that helps. Nothing at all. I admire her so much. I know that people keep calling her brave. That's because she is. Genuinely. Cutting up the belt like that was amazing! I cheer her on each time I think of it.
Emailing T afterwards wasn't wrong. Asking for reassurance wasn't wrong. It honestly wasn't. She didn't make a mistake, the T did. I know that T regrets making that mistake and wishes he could undo it. I know that he cares for Hope.
:hug:
I'm just saying Hi from all of us :wave: Bach caught up with this thread today and wanted to say Hi and encourage you, but we've been sick for a few weeks and she's caught up with not being able to figure out how to say the right thing so I told her I'd tell you. I'm taking care of us right now because I learned how to do that when we were sick the week I turned 10. I hope you all are doing okay! I'll tell Hope about my cow soon. Bye for now! :wave:
Snowdrop, thank you. It does help Hope to hear that she did nothing wrong. The feelings are so deep and so to hear it many times from different people and straightforward is helpful.
Middle B and all the Bs. Thank you for saying hi and encouraging us. Middle B, I think it's brilliant that you are able to take care of everyone while you've been sick. That is a big job. Hope looks forward to hearing about your cow. I hope you all feel better soon.
Today in session we talked more about the email issue. I told him I was angry and hurt. He heard my feelings and (again) acknowledged that he should have done some things differently. (I'm too tired to write the details.) After that Hope felt safe enough to come out and show T her doll.
I feel like within the relationship with T, I am healing from that hurt. I can no longer see the deep, dark hole that I was buried in a few weeks ago. I'm aware that it exists, but the darkness is about being thrown away as I child, not being thrown away now.
NotAlone, I'm soooo glad Hope felt safe enough to engage with T in session. She has been so brave. T is right, he made a mistake and it had nothing to do with Hope, or you NotAlone. I'm glad to hear it feels like the relationship is in repair and you are experiencing healing from the hurt that you experienced from all that happened with your T. That is huge.
Feeling thrown away. It is so deep and dark. It has been one of the biggest wounds for me as well. It is in that core of worthlessness I carried for so long. The reason I could never get to the little 4yo me, who desperately needed some love. The reason for so many things, patterns, beliefs I held my whole life. Recently that has shifted. I'm aware now, just as I can say to you and believe 100% that you are a beautiful, worthy, lovable, brave and strong being, that I am worthy too.
You are so right. It starts by knowing now, today, you are not being thrown away, that you are worthy, that you were worthy and lovable then, but sadly there was no-one to show you that and when we are little we can't make sense of any of it. That is wasn't us. It was all on them. You made it through and now you are learning to love those parts, to honor their experiences and to heal the past by learning these truths and understanding, and in that, healing the present.
You are so brave, so strong and such an inspiration to me. :hug:
MoonBeam: I've been so grateful to you for your support and sharing parts of your similar journey through all this. It has been super hard, but my feet are back on solid ground. Thank you for:
Quote from: MoonBeam on January 30, 2020, 07:24:25 PM
I can say to you and believe 100% that you are a beautiful, worthy, lovable, brave and strong being, that I am worthy too.
I need to write that in my journal and read it often. :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: