I'm
* grateful that OOTS exists
* intimidated by the number of rules and their details, afraid I'll break them and be punished or banned. That could be CPTSD at work - my not feeling safe when there's little reason to feel fear.
* afraid to feel hopeful that this forum can help me, because I feel so broken, misunderstood, and haven't found the healing I've needed for so long
* afraid to be around other people. I don't like having to pretend there's nothing wrong. It takes huge effort to "pass" in social situations. I hate the feeling of being a fake, and feeling exhausted afterward. There's always an undercurrent of "If these people only knew..." accompanied by a mix of longing, anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, and self-loathing.
* afraid to trust
* unable to remember most of my life
* unable to form meaningful relationships. All my relationships are shallow or overwrought with drama, with the exception of my relationship with my therapist. In the past, all my relationships seem to have blown up, so I have no friends from childhood, twenties, etc.
* unable to regulate my emotions - sometimes I feel like a star going supernova
* a "behaviroal" (non-chemical) addict; I try to bury and escape anything unpleasant in fantasy or in something unreal
* unwilling to give up on myself, unwilling to allow my childhood trauma strangle and define the *rest* of my life. At least, not without a fight.
Hi and welcome to OOTS Chris :heythere: .
QuoteI am unwilling to give up on myself, unwilling to allow my childhood trauma strangle and define the *rest* of my life. At least, not without a fight.
:thumbup: and :applause: and :grouphug:
Re the Member Guidelines - they were developed by our sister site Out of the FOG and adjusted slightly for our membership. They are intimidating I know but developed over time in the face of trolling behaviour which disrupts and even takes down boards unfortunately. Other guidelines were put in place to ensure members are as respectful and considerate of one another as is possible in cyberspace because of what we all went through.
Hi Chris! :wave:
I can relate to many of your points. You're definitely not alone.
Hi, Chris. Welcome. :heythere:
Quote from: Chris336 on October 11, 2019, 01:51:14 PM
There's always an undercurrent of "If these people only knew..."
Understand this. The other day I was talking to my therapist about chatting with clients from work and thinking the same thing, "If they only knew. . . " because I present whole and capable on the outside. My life is fairly fractured.
Quote from: Chris336 on October 11, 2019, 01:51:14 PM
* unwilling to give up on myself, unwilling to allow my childhood trauma strangle and define the *rest* of my life. At least, not without a fight.
:cheer: :applause:
For me part of the fight has been sharing some things on OOTS and getting support from the wonderful people here.
Welcome to the forum Chris! :heythere:
Here you don't have to pretend there's nothing wrong! We're all in different stages of healing too and know all too well what it feels like when everything comes crashing down.
It's great that you're unwilling to give up on yourself :thumbup: :applause: :cheer:
Hi Chris,
Much of what you wrote really resonates. Please know that you're not at all alone, and you're in the right place here.
This forum has been so helpful to me, and I suspect you will find good resources and understanding folks, both of which can be so therapeutic.
Looking forward to your future posts as you continue on this journey,
saylor
Hi, Chris336; I pretty much relate to everything you've expressed here. I especially concur with what you said about feeling tired and stressed by social situations. That's been a theme in my life as well.
Chris 366: "I hate the feeling of being a fake, and feeling exhausted afterward. There's always an undercurrent of "If these people only knew..." accompanied by a mix of longing, anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, and self-loathing."
Ditto for me; I can't seem to ever climb past the fear around people -- feel like I'm in an iceberg or balloon timidly looking out, fearful that everyone is ready to pounce and leave me wounded yet again.
It wasn't my penchant to even look for these sort of interactive sites. Yet when I found OOTS and read a bit of what it was like, a light bulb went off that indicated this felt like a safe place. It was very obvious that so many on here were struggling hard to make headway and at least find some little morsels of making peace with oneself; all in the spirit of knowing that there has to be some better way(s) to deal with all this. I hope this can be true for you as well.
Welcome to OOTS. :)
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for the warm and friendly welcome. There's so much to read here - I already looked at the "prezi" presentation by Jorge Silva; thank you for that link. There's so much to absorb!
Have a good day :bigwink:
Hi Chris,
I'm new here too and I was also worried about breaking the rules when posting as I've never been part of any online forum before!
But there are lots of experienced members here who are happy to give advice and encouragement and not judgement which I have found very useful in only a short amount of time.
The only advice I can give is start slowly and pick things up as you go along 😊
A lot of the other points you make also resonate with me...you are not alone in feeling the way you do..
I hope you find OOTS as useful and supportive as I am and I wish you well on your journey..
David
🙏 :wave: