I have had pretty bad nightmares ever since my dad left, and my mom started freaking out more. I can usually deal with them; they don't leave a lasting impression. Normally, I wake up, think, "wow, that's messed up, brain," and go back to sleep. Even if I wake up crying, or shaking, it doesn't usually last. Last night, I had one that I couldn't shake, though, and I just want to get it out. I told a couple of friends about it already, but I can use some more support. I'm disproportionately shaken up.
I was in a dystopia ruled by rival gangs, and my father was part of one of them. The rival gang tried to kill him. I was very small in this dream, and couldn't save him. I was very scared, and ran away, leaving him to die.
A time skip occurred (because I'm just super creative, yo), and the gang my father was related to was after an age- and skills-accurate me, trying to kill me. I ran and ran, but eventually, they caught up to me, and tried to kill me in the same manner my father was murdered. Apparently, my father had been alive the whole time. He told me it was my punishment for not saving him, as he tried to deliver the finishing blow. I escaped at the last moment, but my father died in a fire he set. I continued to run.
I woke up after that, and couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.
I think I had that dream because of the guilt I feel for not saving my father or mother from themselves. I always have this niggling voice that tries to convince me that if I had just done X, or if I'd done more, everything would have worked out just fine. It seems to be a more focused version of the shame and guilt I had as a child, when I felt like everything wrong with the world was my fault.
I think it shook me so badly because I'm finally starting to understand fully that their choices are not my fault.
I hope that, even though it was terrible, it helped me process some emotions subconsciously. I think that's part of the reason I have such awful nightmares. I don't allow myself to feel enough when I'm awake. I constantly invalidate my own emotions, and when I do acknowledge them, it's only because I can get rid of them faster that way. I don't know how to break out of it, and embrace myself as a living, feeling, human being, instead of a machine.
Hi WF.
I recently had a powerful dream similar in theme to yours. Is it because we don't feel enough when awake? I'll say that I don't think so. I think when we are awake there are too many distractors to receive the message. I think we have to let our subconscious do the work because our rational minds sometimes can't or won't see the larger truth.
Mine involved being on a naval ship. We were coming into port and I could fly above the ship etc. really cool. But then I spotted a super huge tsunami coming toward the port and flew to warn my ex, who was in a restaurant w her friends. They refused to seek safety and my ex almost ridiculed me for being so dramatic. I had to fly away to save myself as the tsunami tore into the restaurant.
It was a profound message because in real life I had "seen" our r/ s disaster approaching, as well as her breakdown and warned her but she refused my help. It really shook me too.
Since you were a child you had no power to help them make good choices. That your father died in a fire that he set is, I think, a wonderful gift to you.
How to movE forward? Idk, but maybe embrace the subconscious creativity that is inside you, because it sounds as if that aspect of you is on your side.
I've felt a lot better since having that dream, and have made it through two full nights of sleep, since. Do you feel any different since having yours? Did it give you a new perspective on anything?
Very deep conversation guys, I have been through it. Yes, I think it is your brain trying to consolidate emotional memories.
Keep it going.
Oh yes, WF. My dream helped me accept the " message" that in real life I was aware that her self-diagnosis and self-medication was hurting her and that she repeatedly did not want to hear it. In real life, she had gotten into such a state, I believed she was going to have a medical crisis, not a psychological one.
Of course, I am not completely accepting, but that dream gives me hope I can alter my thinking about her.
On the night before she left, I had a dream very similar to the scene in Indiana jones where the nazis open the ark and a beautiful woman spirit comes out and swirls around all the nazis. But then the beautiful woman turns into an ugly, skeletal spirit. Didn't help that night, but I will never forget it, as again, it is a message that she "morphed" into an evil spirit.
Fyi, She often had recurrent nightmares about being raped, chased, desperate to fight back. I also believed that those recurrent nightmares had messages for her, especially since they involved people who actually raped or assaulted her. I figured it meant she had not dealt with the trauma of her life with those people--and now I am convinced I was on to something with that.
I would love to know if I am now one of the demons she has nightmares about.
I'm not given to spirituality, but these dreams really help me. Grow up? Change perspective? If it's true that no one can teach us wisdom, then maybe this is how I acquire it.
I hope your dreams continue to heal you.
Me, I sleep pretty well. I am looking forward to more flying dreams, as I make a pretty cool superhero who flies in such a beautiful world.
One more dream from 2013, after my mom died.
She was 90, and had narcissistic characteristics. But she did love us kids and would say so, but only after ranting and bloviating, and carrying-on because nothing ever seemed right or good enough to her. Her favorite color was green, fyi.
I was flying in a thick forest, with enormous trees, and I was enjoying just being high off the ground and maneuvering very deftly between the branches. Suddenly, I fly into this cavern of branches that burst into a glowing beautiful vivid green. Jewel tone green.
I took that as a message that my mom was ok now.
Thanks for allowing me to remember my dreams. It helps.
My mother always had dreams of my siblings and I being kidnapped. My older sister left when I was two, and I don't think she ever came to terms with it. Her greatest fear was losing us.
It makes sense to me that the emotions we feel during the day would come to play in our dreams. Residual hormones are probably still hanging out in our bodies.
I usually have dreams about running away, but never fast or far enough. I also have dreams in which one or more of my parents have died, sometimes at my hands, but sometimes indirectly because of me. It's always my fault, though.
It's always your fault.
Isn't that what they drilled into you?
I wonder if it is possible to will yourself to change who gets to be responsible for their deaths in your dreams?
I actually had that happen once--stopped a bad dream in its tracks because I did not want the bad dream to go where it was headed.
But the larger issue is perhaps to find a way where our nights are not so terror-filled, as so many on this forum have actual terror-filled days.
I might be able to will myself into changing the dreams. I lucid dream sometimes, and can make up whatever I want in those times. I think that the lack of control is a big aspect in those dreams, though, so I'm not sure how well that would work.
Just woke up from a nightmare again. It's pretty gross, so definitely don't read if you don't want to hear some disturbing stuff. I'll encase the dream in warnings, and isolate it so it's easy to skip over.
{Triggers} I dreamed that I was with my martial arts group, having fun. My brother was there for some reason. There was a large parrot there, and we were all making it talk. One of the people told me I should put the bird on my shoulder, so it could get to know me. I refused. The bird was set on my shoulder, anyway, and it put its claws uncomfortably near my eye. I immediately wanted no part of this bird's existence, and moved it off of me. My brother told me I was being a baby, and put his face down next to the bird. It plucked out his eye, and then stabbed him. It was very graphic. I woke up and wanted to vomit. {End triggers}
It wasn't nearly as powerful as the first dream I posted. The sick feeling faded quickly as soon as I realized it wasn't real.
I think I had this dream because I feel so comfortable at my dojo. I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen eventually; that my comfort isn't going to last forever. My inner critic hijacked my dreams, and tried to convince me of impending doom.
My mother would have disregarded the weird bird, and told me that I had that dream because one of the members has something off about them. The dojo members in my dream were just as terrified and disgusted as I was. I don't perceive anything off about any of them. There are several members who have been around for 20-30 years.
The bird triggered your survival instincts. You knew it was not safe to have it near your face. Your brother either did not know or was trying to bait you.
A dream about risk-taking? Does the parrot mean anything to you?
My dream last night took place in a badly managed zoo, where dangerous animals were kept in locked facilities very close to each other. Why I walked into this place, at night, I can't say. So a hummingbird pesters the bear next to it. The bear gets so mad at the hummingbird, the bear breaks out of its holding area. Which causes other cages to open, including one with a very very large brown cat. I am somewhat fearful that I am going to get seriously harmed, especially when the bear tears through a fabric door next to me. However, Cat and bear wrestle with each other . . . But then lie down because they got tired. So I'm ok but then . . .
But the funny part involved an out-of-control machine that shot lots of small silver fish at the Penguins . . . And so I got slimed in the face . . . Lord only knows where that came from, but it is making me laugh.
But maybe my dream is about risk-taking as well. Hmmm.
I hope you have some funny dreams.
I don't like parrots. I don't know whether I just don't know how to handle birds, or parrots are generally aggressive, but every time I've given one a chance, it's bitten me. But people keep them as pets, so I think it must be something wrong with me.
I think I might feel the same way about parrots as I do my parents. By leaving them, I feel I've abandoned my brother. In the dream, my brother was trying to show me that the parrot was fine, that it wouldn't harm anyone, and then it killed him. He was younger in the dream than he is now.
I'm glad your dream ended up funny. It seems to be a chain reaction of dysfunction, one that a lot of people should have seen coming! You took a risk walking into the zoo, but it was the fault of the management that everything was disordered. Did you have a particularly chaotic period of time in your life?
You had some good insights. The comparison to your parents makes your dream very telling, imo. I like your comment about a chain reaction of dysfunction.
I'm sorry you feel you abandoned your brother. That woul cause me to feel guilty, to say he least.
Did I have a chaotic period in my life? No.
But your question made me think . . . I wonder if it is a reflection of the chaos in my pd's life, my mom and ex, in particular, who are no longer in my life. I walk into their lives and get caught up in their mess.
Thanks for the question.
If it is a reflection of the chaos in their lives, I'm very glad you understand it's not your fault. That makes me hopeful that I can one day feel like it's no longer my problem.
I think that my guilt over abandoning my brother is something I'm afraid to touch. I've been treating it as kind of sacred. I'm afraid to begin to let go of it. I can absolve myself (rationally, at least) of guilt when it pertains to my parents, but not when it comes to my brother. I guess I'll open that can of worms later on.
One memory that really stood out to me in relation to that dream was when I dragged my brother out of the misconception that everything in our home life was acceptable. It was in a downward spiral, and I had had enough of watching my siblings fawn over my mother like she wasn't abusing them. So I sat down and had a talk with them. I told them that while I loved my M, she was not well, she had done such-and-such in the past, she is doing such-and-such now, and living in fear wasn't normal. My mother found out, told me it was "[my] precious brother" who had told her, and tried to tell me I was misremembering. She then berated me for trying to get her help with food when she was clearly struggling to feed the kids.
It makes sense that you can absolve yourself of guilt in re your parents, but not your brother as he was the innocent party.
Where is your brother now? Do you talk with him? How does he remember that moment in your lives?
There are some things I feel guilty about and always will, but others I have resolved by talking it out with the person. Do you have that chance?
My brother is with my mother off and on. He's only 16, and he's counting the days until he can go off to college. He has told me he understands why I moved out, and that he knew there was something wrong before I had that talk with him. He didn't tell my mother anything, though I wouldn't have cared if he had.
Even though he said he understands, and definitely doesn't blame me, I feel I should have been there to protect him. If I was there, the brunt of my M's rage would have fallen on me, instead of him. I feel I should be the one abused, if it will save him from it.
It's natural being the older one that you would protect your brother because you love him, and that you would take the brunt of the abuse.
What do you do to help your brother cope with living with your mom? Where does he go " off and on"? Do you or he have money for food and shelter? I'm thinking that you can turn your guilt into practical solutions which will possibly make you and he feel as you have more control over your lives.
Maybe you already know this, but Use the advice given to battered women as a guide. Do you have a means of contacting your brother in an emergency? Do you have a meeting place in an emergency? What about an adult or authority figure that is avail to consult with?
Also, does your brother understand the psych diagnosis that your mom has? And what coping tools does he know to use? Your brother already knows there is an elephant in the room, acknowledge it with facts, because then he knows what exactly he has to deal with.
Child welfare, a church, legal aid, teen support group, etc are resources avail to you to help find practical actions to assist you. Some of those may not work to your satisfaction, but you can take on the adult responsibilities of research, consultation, and then using what you know to help your situations.
Just a few ideas that might help you feel as if you can take action if help. Many more ideas out there, but most importantly, is that you have to help yourself before you can help your brother. Sounds as if you love him and that love, in the long run, will assuage his trauma and yours.
My mom would meltdown for a few days and I as the oldest girl put the food on the table and cleaned house,etc until mom felt better. In a small way I understand, so I can tell you that it will get better as you and he age into responsible adulthood. in the meantime, do what anyone of us would do : have a plan, acquire resources, and someone to assist.
No wonder why you have awful nightmares. I hope you will soon have dreams that reflect your power as well as the ability to forgive yourself.
I feel very out of control regarding my brother, since my M moved a couple states away. He lives with friends when my mom gets kicked out of her housing, and he spends his time at home avoiding the rest of the family. He spends most of his time at school.
The only way I'm able to contact him is via social media, but I talk to him a lot, and let him know how proud I am of his myriad coping skills, and his schoolwork, and how wonderful I think he is. I talk with him about the various struggles people like us face in life. I also make sure that's not all we talk about.
I didn't think to use advice for battered women, but I don't know how applicable it will be, since he's so far away. If my M gives him grief about leaving for college, I am planning on driving to him, and extricating him, myself. I will probably drive down, anyway, to help him move into his dorm room. I think that would be fun.
He seems to be coping really well. I ask him about how he feels about things all the time, and he always has an answer. I talk with him about the dangers of bottling up emotions, and letting guilt get the better of him. He says that, other than his time spent around our FOO, he's happy. He has friends, and he stays after school with them every day to avoid going home. He is MC with M right now, and he plans on going NC once he moves out to go to college.