Read a good article today - Trauma Isn't Lazy (https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.wordpress.com/2018/08/23/trauma-isnt-lazy/). Here's an excerpt:
The traumatized brain is anything but lazy. In fact, it is over-worked, over-stimulated, over-active, and over-stressed. Trauma survivors have an enlarged amygdala, which triggers the fight-or-flight response. In a survivor, this response goes haywire. It cannot perceive between something that happened in the past with what's in the present. The brain remembers trauma in the form of flashbacks that constantly re-create the experience.
A traumatized brain is always on alert. Hypervigilance is constantly running in the background, assessing the situation and trying to report back to the rational brain what it finds. In order to keep up with everyday situations, it often must work hotter and harder than a brain without trauma.
Thank you for drawing that good article to our attention Kizzie. I heartily agree with the statements: " The traumatized brain is anything but lazy. In fact, it is over-worked, over-stimulated, over-active, and over-stressed." Yes, hypervigilance is exhausting.
And I would take it one step further: hypervigilance captures and steals our lives. The energy and focus involved in living on 'high alert' are all-consuming. In my experience, hypervigilance casts a terrible shadow over life, so that life narrows to a silent, bleak, survival trek over rocky terrain where the slightest mis-step may spell disaster.
Under these circumstances, there is no energy left to enjoy the movement or the view, allow yourself to drift, imagine or create. Instead life is reduced to a silent, grim endurance trek. The threat posed by abusers swells to fill the sky and the tension of waiting for danger to express itself becomes the primary focus of life and is accompanied by an endless, relentless bleakness that consumes precious time that can never be recovered.
Agree BluePalm and I also think it's one reason survivors turn to drugs/alcohol, not just to numb ourselves but to turn down the volume on hypervigilance and be able to relax and drift as you put it.
My H and I are moving closer to a large city in Oct and I am going to invest my insurance coverage in therapy that does have elements of body/somatic work so I can hopefully learn to turn the volume on my amygdala down, way down if that's possible.
Quote from: Kizzie on September 13, 2019, 04:19:08 PM
Agree BluePalm and I also think it's one reason survivors turn to drugs/alcohol, not just to numb ourselves but to turn down the volume on hypervigilance and be able to relax and drift as you put it.
Yes, I can understand your observation Kizzie - it makes sense to me. But it also makes me sad, because I've always been too afraid of people, too aware of my vulnerability, too untrusting of others not to take advantage of me, to ever allow myself to numb myself, relax and drift through using drugs/alcohol. I've felt scarily vulnerable even being asleep in the presence of other people. When I think of being an infant or small child, helplessly sleeping in the presence of my parents, my chest erupts in flutters of fear, even now as I write this. As a child, I would have to ritually check under the bed, open the wardrobe and check inside and carefully survey my bedroom before allowing myself to get into bed and close my eyes, fearing always that danger was lurking somewhere in that room. Although I lived in a quiet suburb of a quiet city in a country at peace, I had no sense of safety in the world. It was utterly exhausting.
Thanks for this Kizzie! I haven't even read the article, just your synopsis. It's so validating for me after years of exhaustion and not being able to get as much done as people of my own age, also thinking I was lazy or being told so by FOO in my teens.
I don't take drugs and hardly drink alcohol at all, but one of my reasons for eating is to deal with exhaustion, as if the calories or vitamins or whatever would somehow keep me going, whereas actually allowing myself to lie down and sleep would be a more constructive activity.
It's so weird having myself explained to me after so many years of being completely baffled as to why my life is the way it is when absolutely nothing adds up the way it should on the surface.
:grouphug: Bach, I feel the same way ;D
Having finally read the article, I feel that way too.
So powerful.
I appreciate this site and all of you so much. In the time I have been here it has been so challenging and frightening to learn about CPTSD and its implications, but it has also been tremendously useful and has given me new hope after many years of stagnation. All of you here who empathise and share so generously have been so helpful. I have not been able to participate here the way I would like to because I just don't have much energy left over from the fight to remain well and make progress instead of running back into self-destruction and retraumatisation the way I have so often done in the past, but I am amazed at how long and how well I have so far kept it up. That would not have been possible for me without the resources and support offered by this community. I hope in the future that when I am more physically well and have more stamina I will be able to give some of that to others.
I apologise if this post isn't appropriate, but I just reread the article and the thread and felt so moved with such gratitude that I wanted to share that and give everyone here :applause: for being in the fight and a big :grouphug: of solidarity along with my thanks.
QuoteI have not been able to participate here the way I would like to....
Your recovery comes first. :hug:
QuoteAll of you here who empathise and share so generously have been so helpful. I have not been able to participate here the way I would like to because I just don't have much energy left over from the fight to remain well and make progress instead of running back into self-destruction and retraumatisation the way I have so often done in the past, but I am amazed at how long and how well I have so far kept it up. That would not have been possible for me without the resources and support offered by this community. I hope in the future that when I am more physically well and have more stamina I will be able to give some of that to others.
Tks for the shout out Bach :grouphug: We all know how it feels to have limited energy so not to worry, just post what you can when you can, we're not going anywhere.
Wow! This is so true, I always believed that I was a lazy person bc that's what my abusers projected onto me. Then all that was reaffirmed in my adult life bc I've always had less energy than most and I believed I couldn't handle anything. This article was really helpful to read especially today bc my anxiety was really bad. I took a break and felt guilty all day but feel better after reading this post! Thank you!
Says it all that we need to learn breaks are a healthy thing and we are not lazy - grrrr.
:grouphug: Grace
Okay, so I'm going to risk inserting a wee bit of mirth :)) here -- for me, sometimes just a tiny bit of humour relieves the tension some.
This discussion per the constant fatigue around fighting with cptsd symptoms reminds me of a conversation with one of those phone 'helpers' internet service providers have for people experiencing bad or no online connections.
Anyway, once I was repeatedly told by one of these 'helpers' that there wasn't a thing I (or they apparently) could do -- that I was in a state of "Permanent Exhaust". Every time she said it, I thought how it's also spot on in describing how hypervigilance and cptsd in general feels -- Permanent Exhaust.
Like Bach said, "It's so weird having myself explained to me after so many years of being completely baffled as to why my life is the way it is when absolutely nothing adds up the way it should on the surface." It certainly felt weird and like being wacked in the head with a baseball bat when I read these lines:
This is why traumatized people often burn out quickly compared to others. We all have goals, and chances are, we'd all like to accomplish them sooner than reality permits. [We tend to] measure life in whatever external measures communicate success.
So that's why I burned out after finally getting my dream job barely after only 6 months? It's not only because I am a perfectionist or just fighting or flighting or just because I'm a loser? It's because I'm a Permanent Exhaust Machine? :doh:
It sure helps a lot when we can rewrite our autobiography with more kindness, gentleness and compassion - giving ourselves exactly the things we couldn't get when we needed them the most as kids. :bighug:
:yeahthat: :thumbup:
I know hypervigilance is not funny, but this made me laugh I have to admit. I have a strong startle response so sent it to my H and S:
https://www.sunnyskyz.com/happy-videos/8895/Someone-Added-Audio-To-A-Startled-Hamster-Video-And-We-Can-039-t-Stop-Laughing
My brain and also my immune system are hyper-vigilant. My dermatologist diagnosed it as "atopy". He said "I could put you in a bubble and you would still have allergic reactions- hives/sinusitis/asthma" When I looked up causes of atopy, low and behold one of the theories is "Maternal psychological trauma in utero may also be a strong indicator for development of atopy." Well that sure fits.
Geez, and the list of physical issues goes on.
Here's the article that was based on: Maternal stress and perinatal programming in the expression of atopy (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1586/1744666X.4.5.535)
The growing list of potential programing agents includes psychological stress. Evidence linking psychological stress to atopy suggests that early disruption of neuroimmunoregulatory processes are probably involved [9]. Both primate and rodent models of prenatal stress and early adverse caregiving have helped us to understand the potential consequences of similar experiences in humans and their relevance to atopy [10]. Early-life adversity shapes stress neurobiology, resulting in disturbed regulation of endocrine and autonomic processes (e.g., the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal [HPA] axis and the sympathetic–adrenal–medullary system). These disturbed patterns of stress regulation are hypothesized to subsequently modulate immune function, increasing susceptibility to asthma and related diseases. Maternal stress experienced in utero may influence programing of these key physiological systems in children [10]. Stressors influence pathogenesis by causing dysregulated biobehavioral states (e.g., depression and post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD]), which, in turn, program lasting effects on physiological processes that influence disease risk. Infants of mothers who have prenatally programed biobehavioral sequelae from stress may, thus, inherit biological vulnerabilities that alter reactivity to subsequent challenges [11]. Likewise, nonoptimal early-childhood environments and care-giving experiences (e.g., maternal psychopathology or maternal insensitivity) may impact these processes [12,13]. Stress-elicited disruption of these inter-related systems – autonomic, neuroendocrine and immune – may lead to increased vulnerability to allergic sensitization and atopic risk.
Yes, Thanks Kizzie,
My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was in and out of mental hospital, even before I was born. So whether there was prenatal stress is an in my case is an absolute. It took me years of frustration and misdiagnosis of pain and symptoms from many different doctors before a dermatologist finally made this connection and at last it all made sense! It didn't make it go away but even having the answer is a huge relief in itself. Just like understanding about EFs doesn't make them instantly go away but it sure goes a long way to relieving the 'crazy' feeling.
Could not agree more re the relief of knowing what's up Alice :yes:
I really appreciated this. I'm in the middle of a hard time with lots of stress and potential downfall, and not a lot of relief; and there's not much more I can do about it at this point other than what I'm doing... and I can't tell if it's going to work out. But it does really help, in the midst of that, to remember to be compassionate with myself and give myself breaks for my points of overwhelm and my coping mechanisms. I do feel—in my body, in my mind—how hard I work and how tired I am. I can at least give myself a break whenever possible or necessary!
We all, here, do so much, all the time: what this forum is helping me realize, as I read your posts and replies, is how hard you all work too, and on top of that, how sensitive (in the best ways), intelligent, considerate, resilient, judicious, strong, brave, and wise all of you are! And that makes me think, if I belong here, and I relate to the hard parts, maybe I have those good qualities too! You're helping me see the good in me through the good in you.
:cheer: :grouphug:
On that point, here's a quote a loved one recently shared with me, by E.M. Forster on the "aristocracy of spirit":
"Not an aristocracy of power, based upon rank and influence, but an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate and the plucky. Its members are to be found in all nations and classes, and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the one true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos. Thousands of them perish in obscurity, a few are great names.They are sensitive for others as well as themselves, they are considerate without being fussy, their pluck is not swankiness but the power to endure, and they can take a joke... Again and again Authority, seeing their value, has tried to net them and to utilize them as the Egyptian Priesthood or the Christian Church or the Chinese Civil Service or the Group Movement, or some other worthy stunt. But they slip through the net and are gone; when the door is shut, they are no longer in the room; their temple, as one of them remarked, is the Holiness of the Heart's Affection, and their kingdom, though they never possess it, is the wide-open world."
:yeahthat:
Thanks for noting and sharing, LucySnowe
Quotewhat this forum is helping me realize, as I read your posts and replies, is how hard you all work too, and on top of that, how sensitive (in the best ways), intelligent, considerate, resilient, judicious, strong, brave, and wise all of you are! And that makes me think, if I belong here, and I relate to the hard parts, maybe I have those good qualities too! You're helping me see the good in me through the good in you.
Exactly how I feel too, tks for expressing this so articulately Lucy :grouphug:
So, about 6 weeks ago, my hypervigilance was spinning out of control...I could feel the "hamster wheel" in my gut spinning with no end in sight, almost to the point of hyperventilating. I knew what was happening, but could not stop it. I went to my chiropractor that day (he knows of my cPTSD) he's been doing laser work on my Achilles tendons ...and he said he had a new laser and it has a PTSD setting. He used it on my Vagus nerve at the base of my breast bone, and the base of my skull 3 minutes each. I wasn't expecting anything...and driving home through farm roads, all by myself in a quiet car, about 20 minutes later the hamster wheel stopped. I've never experienced a medical procedure like that in my 58 years on this planet. There are many places that do laser light therapy. If this is you, I'd say, look into it...what do you have to lose...???
Quote from: Kizzie on September 14, 2019, 04:54:11 PM
:grouphug: Bach, I feel the same way ;D
Me too...Can we all just raise our collective hands...??? The only other place I relate/fit in is on a Facebook group CPTSD SUFFERERS AND SUPPORT...you guys are "my peeps"...
I thought I fit in at AA/NA...but in retrospect...I was just identifying with the CPTSD symptoms being spoken about in AA/NA terms...if that makes sense...there is so much trauma under the surface that never gets addressed in AA/NA...they're just treating a symptom...
just read the article and all the comments. It made me cry because can relate to so much. And i am not alone in this. I have always been so angry with myself for doing this (overactive thinking about negative scenarios / feelings of guilt and shame). Now i realize it's actually part of hypervigilance and i don't do it on purpose. And that my fatigue is not laziness or a mysterious disease, but actually understandable.
Hello everyone, I am new in this community. What a relief to read all of your contributions. I read the article and it has a strong echo, especially when the author says "Sometimes, it seems easier to push through because it numbs us from fully feeling our pain. The result is almost always an inevitable crash. And when we crash, we feel like we are being "lazy." And so goes the vicious cycle." I do find myself in this situation and have no idea on how to break the cycle. I am pushing myself to keep going on...yet I know I do not have the energy, so it's an endless process. I push myself to show up as a parent, to show up as a "good worker"...
Welcome to the forum Love-warrior :heythere:
Thank you so much for quoting this:
Quote from: Love-warrior on May 09, 2021, 08:21:06 AM
"Sometimes, it seems easier to push through because it numbs us from fully feeling our pain. The result is almost always an inevitable crash. And when we crash, we feel like we are being "lazy." And so goes the vicious cycle."
I do find myself in this situation and have no idea on how to break the cycle. I am pushing myself to keep going on...yet I know I do not have the energy, so it's an endless process. I push myself to show up as a parent, to show up as a "good worker"...
It is just what I needed to read this morning, the quote and how you respond to it. Thank you!
I hope you feel as much support from this forum as I do.
The article isn't there anymore, but reading your comments and the quotes you have pulled from it have helped me to understand how my own hypervigilance has affected me both physically and mentally...I wish there was a guide for all of our "well-intentioned" friends to read this and understand platitudes and distancing themselves until I "feel better" are NOT helpful, but understanding how desperately I need support right now WOULD be.
Which article could you not find, Eireanne? The link in the very first post worked for me. (If it hadn't I might have gone and looked for it to save Kizzie atm who is busy on recovery while I am busy running from recovery, mostly anyway)
I feel like so many things we were shamed about, or are regularly shamed about, are simply not true. We are surrounded by people who case harm, and then shame us for being harmed. We didn't go out into the world and are shamed by society, coworkers and partners for their own perspective and things that simply aren't true. But, until recently, I internalized all of those negative things just like I did as a child. No wonder I always feel like an alien. Outside messages simply don't compute to what my body and brain knows.
Hypervigilance is only the first step in a lengthy process. My brain scans the surroundings in a loop like a browser constantly pinging. It listens to every conversation in a room at once, often in several languages simultaneously. My brain detects movement and has to tell me whether it is safer to turn my head and check the movement or whether not moving is in my best interest. It's not just that my brain has to detect threats, but it has to detect threats through a broken filter. The click of a pen can grab my focus in an instant. The shuffle of my jacket as someone scoots past can cause me to reanalyse the conditions of the entire room. It does this while telling my body how to act normal, how to go undetected. It could be that no one notices that my eyes quickly scan the countertops, then look back, three two one, avert eye contact, now look again, nod. Make sure my hands are doing something natural. Remember to breathe, normally. I can feel my brain pulled in every direction as people move around me. I can FEEL it.
Bermuda, THANK YOU for this. It's often hard to explain why being out and social is so very exhausting. You've really painted a great picture of how it pulls you in a million directions simultaneously.
I am pretty new here but somehow feel connected which amazes me and makes me cry because I haven't felt connected is a long time.
Soooooo thank you so very much to every single share. I can identify with all that is bring said in this thread.
Before knowing anything about CPTSD I used to describe my exhaustion as crashes which was referenced in this thread. When it it first started to happen years ago I crashed sparingly. Now I am plain exhausted all the time. I am 61, unable to work at this time and am on disability.
I'm so grateful I found this forum.
:bighug:
Yes CactusFLower and Moondance, I think I only just now realised that myself as well.
Socialising is so exhausting because the overall expendature is so great that I likely gained comparatively little from the actual conversation being had. I never described actually speaking nor listening to the person speaking to me. That would occur last on the chain of command. I simple don't have the capacity to exist in public and socialise simultaneously without being completely overdrawn.
There needs to be a steam roller emoji. :)
This thread and all of you :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
I keep thinking why life seems to be so hard for me and so easy to others. And then I find my way here. And I am no longer alone. I hate that there are so many of us and am so happy each of us have found our way here.
Thank you for existing. For posting.
I am in a constant hypervigilence hamster wheel. I loved the perpetual exhaustion machine. It feels like that.
Bermuda - JMO but I think this would be an excellent example for the book.
I do much the same thing (not quite as much these days), and it is exhausting. :zzz: My H was military officer and there were so so many social events - I hated them!!! Military spouses, especially officers' wives are a pretty snobby/cliquey (sp?) group so there was a lot of actual danger.
So true! I can say that I am familiar with the social phenomenon. I don't envy you for having to put up with that. I will take a mental note for the book. I wrote this clearly because I had literally just walked out of class and the feeling was so fresh in my mind. Without this forum I wouldn't be able to recognise these things in myself. I would have no reference to know I was even being hyper aware. Just like DD, it just seems harder and it's easy to critise ourselves for seemingly low output when that's just not the full picture... And believe me, I can paint you the full picture. :rofl: :'(