So I'll try and start my own recovery journal. Maybe it will help me to sort through things. I feel I've held back so much lately.
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Last week I fell into a major crisis. It didn't happen out of the blue, but in that extent it was unexpected to me (and my husband and friends).
A close friend who had bin in a clinic because she was suicidal, had returned home and was better. I had been there for her a lot, maybe I have pushed my limits too far, but when I knew she was relatively o.k., I couldn't hold myself upright any longer. I fell into panic, and loneliness and hurt. I don't know what exactly.
That she came home, that was the trigger. But the reason that I felt that way (apart from all the old feelings), were a couple of things that happened earlier.
My closest friend turned away from me. We were friends for 10 years and for the last two or three years, she suffered repeatedly from depression. Well, with her, too, I tried to be there for her and support her and had no room for my issues with her for a long time. I admit that my strength is very limited and maybe it was not enough for her what I gave. She started to contact me lesser and lesser (answered my messages lesser and lesser, contacted me only for special favors), and then she stopped contacting me entirely. I asked her in a letter, what was wrong, but she didn't answer. Then I asked her if she had gotten the letter. No answer. At that time, I didn't feel too much, I was not unaffected of the growing distance and had learned to cope with her absence.
Oh dear I have to stop for today, too much hurt here.
:hug: I have lost some people I thought were friends a long this journey too. I'm sorry your friend never responded. I've shared found some really great ones who have my bank no matter what. No matter how far down I go. So I've decided to remind myself when ok start in on myself about the ones who I pushed away or set appropriate boundaries and they left. Well they were not healthy for me anyway. It doesn't hurt less in that moment but it makes the moment last a shorter time. :grouphug:
I know that hurt of loosing a close friend when they drift away. :disappear: Hearing your pain. :hug:
Thank you Tee and notalone for hearing me :hug: :hug: although it's sad that you've gone through that, too, but it feels good not to be alone.
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Earlier in my life, I used not to be emotional about losing people, I never let them come that close I guess. Now it seems to be a different story. I haven't noticed that had changed so much... especially with friends. I let my husband come very close and he is wonderful and loving and I trust him completely now, after years (in fact, we've been friends before we were together for 20 years). But I am very aware that should something happen to him or should he turn away from me, that would be absolutely devastating... I guess that risk is always there when you trust.
After my friend didn't respond, I knew that was a serious blow for me but at that moment I felt I could cope. Then, later in the same week, my husband and I and his parents went to a restaurant in the countryside and wanted to do a longer walk through the fields and woods.
My MIL has narcissist traits. She is working on it but it still is present in her and now and she falls back into it completely. Like on that day.
I'm tired again.
:hug: rest you will make it :hug:
Thank you Tee :hug:
I've made some realizations yesterday and this morning.
As I am not a native speaker reading and writing here it's not so easy for me. Especially when writing I cannot maintain a flow of my thoughts, I can't express my thoughts directly. And therefore, it takes a lot of time and energy to express myself.
Then, I feel so touched and honored by any answers that I got here on the forum. Actually, I've got the feeling that it is too good to be true...
It is very hard for me to take up space when I know I don't have the strength at the moment to help others much. I think contacts and relationships should be reciprocal, that's what I've learned in my life.
I have once overused a friend of mine. Luckily, she told me so, so I could react and depend less on her. But I know deep in my heart there is a very needy spot. Well, I didn't get much love as a child so that's no wonder.
It became my strategy to listen to others first and give them first before I myself take the space and talk, let alone ask for something.
But here on the forum, things are all different. I come here, I Post here and some of you have already responded very kindly and very helpfully.
Well, this seems to have triggered something, because at the moment I feel uneasy and guilty for taking up space here. There is also fear, a lot of fear for not being enough and not giving enough.
It's just like I feel at the moment.
I try to listen to my heart. And what I know is that old things make me feel that way. There is a way to be here and be OK. I just need to find it yet.
I'd like to post something positive, too.
I think the hurt and the sadness are not so strong anymore.
I have managed to built a bit of a professional supportive system.
My husband seems to be better, he was in crisis, too.
I have twice gone to church in my village, and people there seem to be very nice and welcoming. Although I usually don't feel at ease with strange people, there I felt quite relaxed- really odd!
You're welcome here! Please don't feel guilty for feeling like you take up space here, this space has always been yours to begin with. I hope you have many more relaxed and peaceful days :hug:
Thank you sunflower38 :hug:
and for saying that I I am welcome and don't need to feel guilty.
On one level, I think so, too. But at the moment, I don't have access to those feelings.
I think I'll take a break and talk about how I feel to my T.
Maybe I come back to my journal when I have sorted out what's going on inside me.
Quote from: sunflower38 on August 14, 2019, 12:51:03 PM
You're welcome here! Please don't feel guilty for feeling like you take up space here, this space has always been yours to begin with.
:yeahthat:
The most important thing here is your own recovery. So if you don't feel able to read and/or respond to others' posts for a short or long period, that's quite OK. You might get a few less responses. Or maybe just as many members will respond anyway :Idunno:
Take care, we'll still be here supporting you when you come back. :hug:
:hug: blueberry, thanks a lot, I'll try to keep that in mind.
Maybe it just needs to sink in a bit.
There are times on this forum where I am not in a place to read others' posts. Sometimes I post and am need to hear from others, but have nothing to give/post for others. Other times I'm more able to read and respond to others. You are welcome to post as much as is helpful to you. If you are not up to reading and/or replying to others, that is okay.
notalone, yeah thats sounds totally ok and good and healthy as you say that! I hope, and I do think, that with me it will be the same, periods when I need to write and periods when I can and like to read and respond to others.
Yesterday I was at my T's and we talked about all of this.
I think what I didn't learn in my childhood is that there is something natural about giving and taking. If you grow up in a healthy environment, then you take that in all the time. At least, that's how I imagine it.
Somehow, at some point, I don't know exactly, I've learned that you have to give all the time. You have to give without feeling you want to. Don't listen to yourself, just do it. There was a lot of religious abuse about this. But my parents are that way, too. They are not able to love really, but they are very generous and very reliable in terms of material and practical things.
Having learned this was useful, because I was able to build really lasting relationships with this attitude. I have learned to love, too, in the end :) And I became better in choosing people as friends, who in turn give me support. Well, as I said, with this one friend it didn't "work " that way.
My T told me yesterday, that, in a friendship, I should only give when I truly want nothing in exchange. And only what I can give without exerting myself. And if that person goes away because of that, and that I am always afraid of, that's just the way it is.
So I have learned, that there is some kind of calculation behind all of this. I often give to make sure the other will give the same to me and will not walk away. :blink:
I think at the core, there's a lot of fear involved, and force. Maybe a way for me is to listen more to my heart, as woodsgnome wrote. Be more of a breathing, living being.
That would be nice...
I am still recovering from my crisis that began 3 weeks ago. Sorting it out, making lists. What was it, why was it so extreme, what did I learn from it?
I also work a lot with the sentences to the inner child from Pete Walker in his book the Tao of fully feeling. They help me a lot.
I think what caused the crisis was the loss of three very important people in my life. One was my friend and the other two were people who triggered me badly with their behavior, and that not for the first time. The first was my mother-in-law, and the second was my psychiatrist. I decided to see my mother-in-law much, much less and then for a really short period of time. So within two weeks, or actually one, I lost those three crucial people, a big part of my safety net, let alone the triggers. I don't have very much people around, and, apart from my FOO, there was only my husband and a friend of mine left. This friend was at that moment suicidal, and thought about going to a clinic ( which I strongly encouraged her to do). And my husband has had a very hard time for months and couldn't be there for me.
When I realized that I was near to alone, I panicked. I reached out for help at a local supporting institution. When the panic seized a little, the pain and the hurt washed over me. And it came back again and again in waves. It was the question, if I, too, should go to the clinic. In the end, however, I decided not to. I could see that this hurt and all the tears were normal reactions to what had happened to me and that they needed time to be. And I needed rest, because I was absolutely exhausted. I'm exhausted, still.
I have the feeling that I'm learning very much at the moment. But I can't pin it down yet.
In the last days, I've been sorting a lot. I made lists, e.g. what are my problems now and what were my problems when I first broke down at the age of 17. It was good to see how much progress I've made since then but also very hard to realize once again what * I was in then.
But I also did was make a therapy chronic which means I wrote the date and also the issues of the different therapies I had. Oh dear, it was so much work until now.
Well, it is true, I am much better now but my life has been damaged, and some of it beyond repair. Eg I cannot work anymore and receive a retirement fund... I could not have children, it would have been far too much for me. I have so much less strength than other normal people have.
Now I'm processing all of this, and I am exhausted. It was a lot of work.
I can imagine. Sifting through everything can be such hard work. I'm glad that you can see how much progress you've made though. Maybe it's time for a bit of a rest?
I hope you can sit back and rest now, for a bit. Take care of yourself. :hug: You're worthy of being treated with compassion.
Thank you snowdrop and Three Roses for the understanding and for suggesting to rest. That helps me very much to allow myself to rest which is what I really need. When I told my husband, he nodded vigorously ;)
:grouphug:
Sorry to hear about the damage caused. It sounds like you've done a lot of great work though! I hope you enjoyed your rest, and are getting some benefit from all your effort. Take care! :)
Glad you are able to treat yourself with kindness and rest.
Jazzy and notalone thank you! :hug: :hug:
It's so good to hear that you are with me and support me!
I'll be back when I have a bit of energy back.
I am much better now. I don't have so much energy but I feel lighter, as if a shadow has gone.
Yesterday I was in a new therapy called occupational therapy. My old psychiatrist told me I was actually too "fit" to get it but for once it would be OK. Occupational therapy is where you learn to engage in activities, to concentrate, to actually do things. Sorry, I can't describe it properly. My T suggested it because I have huge problems to learn an activity by myself. I wanted to start weaving, but there are so many triggers when I do something practical, so I never got far.
Oh dear, today I have trouble explaining what I mean in English.
Well the appointment was really good, and the T was completely getting what I needed. The problem is, I don't have a prescription yet, and I don't want to go back to that psychiatrist, I just don't want to, I've been with her for years, but I always go out worse than I went in. So next week on Tuesday I have an appointment with my GP, and hopefully, she will prescribe it for me. She knows I'm looking for a new psychiatrist and consented to fill in the gap.
I'm very nervous and hope she will do it. Otherwise I have to think again if I for once go back to that psychiatrist. Or to leave it be.
So if all goes well, I will finally learn how to weave. I'm really looking forward to this. All my activities up to now, except housework have to do with the brain, so I long to do something with my hands.
In two weeks I also plan to try out the church choir in my little village. It feels like a new stage in my life, trying out how it feels to be a part of a group of normal people, here in my village, where I live . It certainly will be rocky sometimes, but as I wrote here before, when I was at church with those people (three times now), I just felt natural and good.
This is something completely new to me, Most of my life I felt like an alien among other people. I don't know when that has changed. However, I'm looking forward to that adventure.
That sounds great Anjulie! Like a shadow having lifted. And you're looking forward to your next steps. :cheer: :)
I too get tons of triggers when I try to do anything practical. It has got better bit by bit.
QuoteIt feels like a new stage in my life, trying out how it feels to be a part of a group of normal people, here in my village, where I live . It certainly will be rocky sometimes, but as I wrote here before, when I was at church with those people (three times now), I just felt natural and good.
Happy you're experiencing some new things and good people!
Thank you Blueberry and Three Roses! :)
I'm sorry to hear that you've got those triggers,too, Blueberry. But it feels comforting to me that I am not alone with this. Maybe it will get better for me, too. I really hope so.
Hi Anjulie,
It's great that you have enjoyed your first session with that Occupational therapy person, and that you are looking forward to weaving. Also to the choir that you want to attend. I think this is really great, and I hope that it goes well. If it's ok, I would like to extend a hug to you :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope ,
Thank you, and your hug is very welcome :)
:hug: back!
anjulie, i think it's brave and strong of you to make that decision about your shrink, and not wanting to go back to her. definitely a red flag when you go to someone who's supposed to help you, and you come out feeling worse. been there and it totally sucks.
i'm glad you're seeing the value of rest for yourself. another form of self-care that i think a lot of us aren't able to give ourselves in a positive way. good for you!
i've done simple weaving (not on a big loom) in the past, both with yarn and with reeds (basket making), and i loved both of those activities. they use a very different part of the brain, and i found them both to be soothing and relaxing, plus i loved what i was able to create. i also knit, which is something i'm doing now, and that has the same effect for me. it's a break from thinking.
sounds like you've come a long way, and i give you a lot of credit for that. one step, then another - we'll get there! love and hugs to you :hug:
Hi sanmagic7, thank you für your validation, it means a lot :hug:
Yes, weaving is a very different kind of state. I really want to do it, and do it a lot. A big problem I have is that my forearms are so tense and hurting after just minutes (the same goes for writing). I guess it is the fear from my childhood of being judged and treated with contempt. I am very unhappy and sad about this. Why can't I do those things that I want to? :'(
Maybe my inner child has to learn that there is no F behind my back anymore, peering over my shoulder all the time.
So that's something I hope will get better with the occupational therapy. I will bring it into my traumatherapy, too.
But every step is so much work! So I have to brain-work to find some break from brainwork :pissed: :pissed:
i get it about being tense cuz of old messages. i do that same thing just being - it's been on automatic response for so long that i have to consciously relax myself at times. but, i'm glad you know where it's coming from and maybe that can be a starting place for diminishing those judgments and negative treatment. best to you with that.
i agree that every step is a lot of work. i believe it's worth it, which is why i trudge on with each one. i do believe that your o.t. experience will be much more positive than what you've known from the past, and that it will help with the healing. sending love and a hug filled with soothing care and acceptance.
Dear sanmagic7, thank you for your reply. It's good to know that you know what I speak of. Yeah, those old experiences... :'(
Last Friday I was there the second time, and it was so good. The woman is no expert in weaving, so there's no reason for me to be afraid of her. She's very nice and doesn't trigger anything. So I'm confident that the therapy will be a big help for me.
I got the prescription for the occupational therapy from my GP. She was so nice and understanding and told me, if I needed another prescription after that one, she would give me one. She said, it may be helpful to me to have that therapy for a longer time. I was nearly speechless!
Yesterday I was at the church choir rehearsal and it was very exciting but also very good. This is the first time in many years that I dared try to go to a group of people, and many things in me must have changed since then, it felt so different. I think I know who I am now and can authentically just be there. I've also noticed that I don't need those narcissistic defenses of mine any more such as feeling special and superior. That was a big part of me for many years.
I was completely exhausted afterwards and couldn't regulate my feelings so in the end I took medication to find some sleep. But that's ok. I didn't harm myself which is a progress.
So I am on a good way and feel :cheer: today.
Great, Anjulie, great to hear you are doing so well. Congratulations on being at the church choir :)
:cheer: for progress! well done! sounds like you are really moving forward, and i'm so glad for you. just a caution - don't forget to take breaks, ok? sometimes we get caught up in feeling good, and run run run and then get exhausted. that's not such a good thing, either. been there, done that!
in the meantime, i hope you enjoy all that you're accomplishing and how you are freeing yourself from old defenses. that's so great. love and hugs, sweetie! :hug:
Thank you SharpAndBlunt and sanmagic7! :) :)
sanmagic7, You're right, I am in danger to get carried away a bit in such times... i'll try to give myself rest, for example today I'm just sitting on my sofa watching television. I also have some special medical treatments scheduled in the next weeks. I'm thinking about postponing them because they are not urgent. I know myself and I will need time to adjust to the new things in my life. Yes, I think I'll do that.
Hi Anjulie
That's great that you went to the church choir, and it's also great that you're allowing yourself to have rest and giving yourself time to adjust to new things in your life. That sounds like good self-care to me. Sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope67 :hug:
I think, for a while, I may be reading mostly, not writing much in the forum.
It feels right that way at the moment.
I did a lot of work lately. Now I find myself on a kind of platform, and I just want to stay on the platform for a while, before I continue working on my further recovery.
Thank you all so far, I'm so glad that this place exists! :grouphug: